Crashing (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Pete and Leif - full transcript

[HBO] HD. 'Pete and Leif.' (Season Two) Pete spends the day with Leif while continuing to grapple with his beliefs.

[HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE]

[GROANS]

Hm?

[GRUNTS]

[ALARM CHIMING]

Oh!

Just gonna... get that.

- Oh, God.
- [ALARM STOPS]

What time is it?

Oh, it's pretty early.

- Good morning.
- Hi. Oh! Heh.



Sorry. I'm not a... a big morning kisser.

[EXHALES, SNIFFS] I get it.

Yeah.

Oh. I am... not fresh.

Mm-hmm.

So, uh...

Do you, um...

have somewhere to be today or...?

Uh... no.

No.

I work Monday, Wednesday, Fri... Friday.

- At the...
- Oh.

At Cold Stone Creamery?

Mm.



You heard of it?

Yeah.

You should come by, I'll... [CHUCKLES]

I'll, uh, happily mix anything in
you want, any contraband. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS] Eww. I can give
you my employee discount.

Oh. That's nice.

I'm lactose intolerant, though, so...

Hey, um...

Last night...

was really special.

Yeah... it was.

Um... sorry. I... I have to get to work.

- I still have this temp job.
- Yeah.

I'm doing some, some
data entry during the day.

Yeah. Making the cash.

Making the sweet cheddar.

Okay, so... yeah. I mean,

definitely, you know,

take a minute or two to
get your stuff together.

Oh my God, that is a lifesaver.

If I could just have a
few more hours of sleep,

I think it would make a
big difference. [SIGHS]

Sure. Yeah, fine. Um,
the door locks behind you.

Okay? I mean,

can I use your bathroom?

Sure.

[CLATTERS]

Can you? Okay.

- Bike on wall.
- That's my bike, it's right there.

[SIGHING]

What are you doing?

[URINE SPLASHING]

No, no. This is just a sit-pee.

I... The room's kind of spinning.

I don't think I should be
standing and aiming right now.

Just close the door.

That's usually what people
do when they're... sit-peeing.

I was mostly done. [SIGHS]

All right, I gotta go!

But, um, have a great day!

Okay.

Don't stay too long!

Are any of these toothbrushes
guest toothbrushes?

Ali?



♪ Sunday mornin' ♪

♪ Brings the dawn in ♪

♪ It's just a restless feelin' ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ Early dawning ♪

♪ Sunday mornin' ♪

♪ It's just the wasted years ♪

♪ So close behind... ♪

- Wow!
- The floors are awesome.

Oh, my gosh. That's so cool.

[CLATTERS]

Hey.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

I'm, uh, I'm Pete. Ali said it was okay if

I wanted to cool out a little bit, so...

Are you... Ali's boyfriend?

I mean... [CHUCKLES]
It's funny you should ask,

'cause that's kind of what
I've been mulling over.

On one hand, we had a really

amazing time last night,

and on the other, she could not
have gotten out of here faster.

So, who's to say?

I mean, there was kind
of a thing this morning.

- I was a little bit overly familiar, I...
- [CHUCKLES] Yes.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

All right.

[TIMER BEEPS]

[TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[GLASS CRACKS]

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit!



[SIGHS]



- [DOOR OPENS]
- [MAN CHATTERING]

Oh, really? Oh, that's...

- Ali!
- [SCREAMS, GASPS]

Hey.

Oh my God!

Uh, sorry. I... I just, um...

What are you still doing
here? I don't understand.

Who's this?

I'm Steve. We work together. We have a...

Shut the fuck up, Steve. It's fine.

Pete, do you understand how creepy it is

that you're still in my space?

Yes. I'm sorry, I... I
just didn't wanna leave...

I acci... I'm sorry.

- I... I cracked your glass table.
- What?

I made a tray... I'm so sorry...
of pasta.

Oh! Fuck!

- And I put the hot tray on the glass.
- Shit.

PETE: I didn't know heat broke glass.

- What?
- The tray is glass.

Come on, man, that's untempered glass.

You put anything above 300 degrees
on it, it's gonna crack for sure.

There's special oven glass
and there's table glass?

Obviously, you can't just,
you know, you couldn't...

You wouldn't put your glass
table in the oven, it'd shatter.

There's all different
kinds of glass, you know?

But the tray is glass.

So... So what? You woke up, and
then you went in the kitchen,

and made yourself a... breakfast lasagna?

I... I'm hungover. You
don't have a lot of food.

Um, should we talk about this?

Steve? Can you, um...

Can you just give us a second? Please?

Okay.

I'm sorry. You look... you
look really nice. I like the...

Okay. Okay, you said it.

Um, I think maybe you're
getting the wrong idea here.

Like, last night was
really fun, absolutely.

- Really fun.
- It was fun. Yes.

Um, but I told you that
I don't date comics.

Right. While we were
having drinks, and then...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...one thing led to another.

- Mm-hmm.
- And then, we had sex.

Right! So...?

So...

[STAMMERS]

I know sex is a casual
thing to some people,

but I... you're the second
person in my entire life

I've ever made love to.

Oh my God.

- Um...
- Ali, that... it meant something to me.

It wasn't just some casual,
secular sort of hookup.

Okay. Pete, um, it was a hookup, though.

It was a hookup.

I just... I mean... that...
It meant something to me,

and I think it meant something to you. I...

- What?
- I liked... being with you.

I liked waking up here. I liked...

Yeah, great, but, like, that's...

that's where we end it, you know?

That was a... That was a big
deal. I gave myself to you. I...

Okay. [STAMMERS] You gotta go.

- Okay.
- You gotta go.

- I... I... I'm really sorry.
- It's time.

I can buy you a new table.

No, it's fine. Seriously, it's fine.

Okay. I'm so sorry. Again.

Yep. Okay.

- I guess, I love you.
- Wow.

- Sorry, that was reflexive.
- Okay!

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [DOORBELL REVERBERATES]

[MUTTERS]

[SIGHS]



♪ I know, baby, I'm the
last one on your list ♪

♪ I'm holding last place on
the lips you long to kiss ♪

[PHONE RINGING]

♪ It seems so hopeless... ♪

Do you feel that in there?

Yeah... uh, yeah.

- Mm.
- That's pretty intense. Wow.

Hey.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Peter.

Hey, man. I'm really sorry, man.

I... I got here as fast as I could.

You smell like rum, brother.

[SIGHS] I'm very hungover.

I'd offer you some hot cider,
but the pressure cooker busted,

right in the middle of that rush, 'cause...

I think 'cause I tried to make soap in it,

which shouldn't have done, but...

I'm really sorry, man, I... I fucked up.

Hey, it's all right.
Look at you. What is this?

Uh, you don't have to...
That's... that's okay.

- Let's put these down.
- Have a seat. Sit down.

I don't... I don't need a massage.

I need Advil and a Diet Coke.

- I get it.
- Let's just...

No worries. Just have a seat.

- Here.
- What are you...? Come on, man. Ow.

Here.

- Oh...
- There.

I've just run into a
little bit of blockage, man.

[GRUNTS]

Oh my God. Please don't stop.

I'm not stopping. I'm
just oiling up, Peter.

- [GRUNTS]
- Oh... God.

There's a whole new Peter I'm uncovering.

Is this... Is this what you did to my wife?

In a way.

- Ah... Oh!
- Ah-ah!

Oh, there you are, Peter.

Ah.

Let's go get you some fries.



Thank you.

There's something
different about you, Peter.

Your vibrations are...
very different. What's up?

I don't know.

I did kind of get into it last night.

I'm a little hungover.

I actually...

I had sex last night.

Se... Peter, mazel tov!

That's outstanding.
Making love is making love.

Uh-huh.

There's more of it now
for us today to share.

Yeah.

I kind of thought maybe
it was one thing, and...

It was just a casual... It was just casual.

She made that... abundantly clear.

Hey, man, to hell with the labels.

There was a transference of energy.

Your horn blew and it was heard, my friend.

How was it?

It was my first time using a condom.

So that... It was a little weird.

Sure. Yeah. Au naturel is preferred, but...

She had 'em right there, in a basket.

Like for fruit or keys.

Just dozens of free condoms.

Like a clinic.

I... I feel like...

the condom isn't the issue.

There's somethin' else. What's up, man?

I just can't shake the feeling
that I did something wrong.

Okay? Like I... I'm
getting away with something,

like I robbed a bank.

I... I feel like I sinned.

Which is weird, 'cause I don't
even know if I believe in that.

Ooh, sounds to me like you
are expanding your mind.

I had a conversation,
I had too many drinks,

I did something I never thought I'd do,

and now I feel like a different person.

- Oh, good.
- No! That's not good!

What part of that is good?

I liked who I was. I wanna be that guy.

You need to lose yourself
to find out who you are.

That's exciting.

It's not exciting to be
floating on a blue marble,

in an infinitely expanding
universe. Where's it goin'?

What's on the other side of the expanding?

Infinite universe.

- Fuck!
- I know.

- No!
- Yes!

Peter, I went to a party
when I was in college.

You went to college?

Tons of 'em, man.

All I knew about it was that
it was on Sycamore Street,

at a house with a red door.

So I go to Sycamore Street. Find a house.

It's got a red door. I walk inside.

There's a party, and I don't
know a single soul in it.

It was the wrong party and the wrong house.

So just as I'm about to bug out,

the host finds me...

calms me down.

He says, "You're not in the wrong
house. You're in the right house."

And then he introduces me to everybody.

Gives me pizza.

I meet his dad.

What's your point?

Pete, you feel like you
went into the wrong red door.

But you didn't.

You went into the perfect door, brother.

There's no reason to be scared.

You just have to relax and acclimate.

This is a party, man.

Life is a party. There's
pizza, and some guy's dad

that still texts you on your birthday.

You're not alone, Peter.

You're never alone, man.

Come on.

Where? Where are you taking me?

Peter, just be with me today.

Okay? The goal is no goal.

It's not about getting on
the Johnny Carson Show.

It's just...

Oh! Oh!

Hey. Hey, why do I feel high?

Did that oil you put on me,

did that have weed in it?

[LAUGHS] Yeah, of course it did.

Otherwise, it wouldn't be healing weed oil.

Yeah, but you... You got me high.

You got you high.

You let me rub it on
you, man, but it's okay.

It's just topical. It's not supposed
to soak into your bloodstream,

I don't think, through your forehead.

That's im... That's possible.

Is that possible?

I don't know, actually.

I've never used it
without already being high.



- This way.
- Where you goin'?

I don't know. We're
followin' the lights, brother.

When we hit a "don't walk," we turn.

We're flowin' down the
river of the city, brother.

Listen to its feedback.

That's not feedback, it's on a timer.







All right, Peter, which way, brother?

Right? He's feelin' right.

Move out. Stuck-up ass,
fake brainy-looking...

Yo, George Clooney.

New... New blend.

One time.

Hey! You guys like hip-hop?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah... Yeah, I like hip-hop.
- Yeah, Peter...

- Check this shit out.
- Uh, Kendrick Lamar?

Man, fuck that nigga, he already rich.

This that new underground
shit, that good good.

It's loud!

It's good, this is good. It's... Oh...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool, man. That's cool, thank
you. Thanks for letting me listen.

Nah, nah, that's you,
boy. That's 10 dollars.

- No, I...
- Nah, man, help me out, man.

I've been on the corner all day, all night.

It's smoky as shit out here,
ain't no bitches out here.

The police harassin' a
nigga, all that shit, man.

I'm sorry about all that. Uh, but
I... I don't... I don't want...

Oh! Okay. A'ight.

Okay, I see. I see what this is.

Another white man takin'
advantage of another brother, huh?

I... No. It's... it's not
a racial thing, I'm just...

Oh, it's always a racial thing in America.

And your white guilt is
showin' all over the place.

I don't have white guilt... I have
the right level of white guilt.

But I'm not, like... Are you...

I'm sorry, I feel like
you're trying to scare me.

Oh, now... Okay, now the
scare card comes in, right?

This is getting a little scary.

Scary? 'Cause I'm black?

- No!
- Do I look like I got a gun on me?

- No.
- Huh?

Okay. Cool. Hi. I'm here
now, and my name's Leif.

Very nice to meet you.

I'm so happy. You're...
you're the artist...

You're an artist, and this is your album?

Yeah, man, and it's 10 dollars.

It's beautiful, man. This is...
this is your heart and soul,

on this record, right here.
This is... this is your art.

Here's the thing, it's... it's
really my man Sherman's, but I'm...

I'm on the last song, in the
background, doin' the ad lib,

like this, take that,
take that, whoop-whoop!

Ah, okay. That sounds like fun,

but... why... why aren't
you doin' that on your own?

To be honest, I been
hustlin' for Sherman so long,

I ain't had time to do my own thing.

Wow. Well, it sounds like

you're the one being hustled then, right?

Right. Right! That's what
I be tryin' to say, man.

It's like, I got this gift, right?

And it's like, I talk to God through music,

and it's like the sounds of
nature flow through my body,

and I can record a dove
or a pigeon with Auto-tune

or just the right amount of reverb.

I got... I got my own sound, like,

you know, I fuck with the Jamaican shit

and the heartbeats,
that's... that's what I do.

You see what I'm sayin'?

Have you shared any of this with Sherman?

Not really, no.

This is just my opinion.

I feel like you don't need to waste

your time talkin' to two dopes like us.

You should talk to Sherman, man.

And you should tell Sherman how
you feel and what you wanna make.

And you follow your
art, all the way through.

And we will buy that album.

Thank you.

Hey, Sherman!

That was amazing.

I'm not good with conflict.

This is what it is, brother.

This world craves harmony.

And that's what we're here to do,

restore that balance, every single day.



When I was a kid, if I
asked my mom for hot dogs,

she'd make me four.

That was a serving when I was a child.

I'd say, Mom, I want a hot
dog, she'd make half the pack.

Did you have a brother
that ate the other four?

I think my brother was... He had two.

It was like, Pete wants hot
dogs? Uh, double... double that.

- She loved you.
- Yeah.

So this is it?

This is what you do, this is your day?

What is time, anyway?

Is it just the rate at
which one rock hurls itself

around another rock in space?

And if so, why do people call me late

for a rock race?

Oops, sorry.

- Sorry!
- Oh. Shit.

Hey. That's all right.

- Sorry about that.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Mind if I...?

Sure. Nice throw. If you wanna play,

- you're more than welcome.
- Okay. Thanks, we will.

How cool is that? Let's go.
These girls seem awesome.

Yeah. Let's play Frisbee. I
haven't played since college.

Yeah. Uh, why don't
you leave the ring here?

- What?
- The wedding ring.

It's liturgical, man, it's a weird symbol.

It's... It's just a ring. Let's just...

It's too heavy. It's an
anchor, Peter. Let it go.

Get past it. Let's set sail.

Don't dock the ship too early.

Come on!

Hiyah!

- Oh, look who's here!
- I gotcha!

Ooh! Nice!

- You play?
- Yeah, man, I play a little bit.

Okay.





PETER: I like reading books about movies

after I've seen the movie
because then it's all cast.

You know exactly what they look like.

- Yeah, exactly.
- [LAUGHTER]

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, don't answer that, man.

I don't get a lot of calls.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yes, yes. I'm... I'm close. I'm 20 minutes.

I will be there. Thank you so much.

- Yes. Thank you.
- Who's that?

That was Dr. Oz. That
was the show Dr. Oz.

They need a warm-up. Their warm-up
guy is sick, they need a warm-up.

- Oh.
- Peter, that's amazing!

- They called me!
- Whoa. Where is it?

Long Island City.

Man, think about it.

The journey brought us here,
and you are close enough

to be able to make that in
20 minutes. Think about that.

No, I know! I know, I get it!

This is it! I'm gonna
go warm-up Dr. Oz!

- Wow!
- Come on!

- Okay.
- It was very nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you, too.

Thank you for the cheese, I appreciate it.

- Okay.
- Bye!

Leif! Come on!

I wish I could stay, but
I'm kind of like his Sherpa.

- Have fun.
- Okay.

Thanks so much for having me.

Thanks for gettin' here so quickly.

We got your name from Rachael Ray.

You're sort of famous for
tellin' her mom to suck a dick.

That's not what I said...

You were like our fourth call,
but we were in a bit of a pinch.

- [SNAPS FINGERS] Hey.
- Yeah, but that's not what I said.

- It was just...
- So it's about 10, 12 minutes, okay?

Okay. Uh, do I hand out candy, or...?

We don't give out candy,
here, this is a health show.

Here are some coupons for SoulCycle.

Okay. Um,

I hate to ask, but...

The pay is 200 bucks.

Rachael Ray was 400.

Wow. Sweet gig.

Sounds like you shouldn't have
told her mom to slob your knob.

I didn't tell Rachael
Ray's mom to slob my knob.

I heard you did.

Okay, I'm the person
that the story's about,

so I can tell you with authority
that I didn't tell her...

I was told that you said that

Rachael Ray's mom should
nibble your nuts.

That sounds like something a
child would say, I didn't say that.

I heard you said that you wanted
her mom to gargle your gonads.

Okay, are some of those written down?

I have... Someone handed me some notes.

I just wanna be clear.
There was a misunderstanding.

- I did a little crowd work...
- Go for JJ.

- [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
- Are you guys excited?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

- Say yeah!
- Yeah!

Go, go! That's good!

Be like, heck, yeah!

AUDIENCE: Heck, yeah!

It's a family show, keep it heck.

Heck, yeah!

Heck, yeah!

Dr. Oz is gonna tell us what's healthy.

I saw an energy drink that was bragging

that it was 2.5 times
stronger than Red Bull.

- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
- Who...

Yeah. Who is that for?

[LAUGHTER]

Who is drinking Red Bull like,
"Yeah, it's pretty strong,

but they could kick this up
two and a half more times."

'Cause I don't have paranoia

and diarrhea immediately.

[LAUGHTER]

I can't be waiting for that.
I want first sip, soil myself.

[LAUGHTER]

I think my neighbor is a sniper.

[LAUGHTER]

Uh, we're gonna bring out
Dr. Oz and it's gonna be fun.

Are you guys excited?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Show me that energy! Go, yeah!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

All right, let's say
hi to Dr. Oz, everybody!

I'm here.

Oh! Dr. Oz. There he is!

Hi, everybody, thank you for being here!

- Hey.
- Okay, that's it.

That's it, I... I don't go back out?

One and done. Can I get the coupons?

Oh. Yeah. I'm not tryin' to steal those.

If I want something that's spinning
in circles and going nowhere,

I have my life.

You can leave the shirt
with Karen in wardrobe.

Okay.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, wow, thank you. Uh, that
was... that was so great.

Thanks for havin' me.

You did a nice job, they seemed fired up.

Thank you. Thank you. [LAUGHS]

Are you high?

No, no, I... No.

Look in my eyes, please.

I... I'm... I'm not high.

I know you're high.

I'm Dr. Oz.

Um... hey, could I ask you a question?

I've had a confusing couple days and, uh...

I was just wondering if you believe in God?

Yeah, sure.

Really? I thought, maybe
a man of science, you just,

thought it was a fairy tale.

I don't see science and faith
as opposing forces at all.

See, for me, it's all about vocabulary.

Think about that little speck of
mass that erupted into the big bang.

Do you call it "the singularity"
or do you call it "God"?

You know? I don't see much of a difference.

I bet you are freakin' out right now

'cause you are so high.

It's... it's a bit much.

Welcome to the show, everybody!

- [APPLAUSE]
- So what's goin' on inside the human body?

[WHISTLING]



Leif! Hey! Leif!

Hey, Peter!

Did you get all these cool gifts?

No. Listen. Uh, where's your bag?

The bag, our bag?

Oh, God. Oh... I think I forgot it.

We forgot it.

I put my ring in your bag!

That's okay. Well, calm down.

The bag deserves to be
found and we shall find it.

- So, we're gonna go.
- Come on.

Is this part of the plan?
Get high and leave our shit?



POLICEMAN: Keep that path clear!

[SIREN WAILS]

Hold it, hold it. Shit!

[SIREN WAILING]

What's goin' on?

I don't know. Bomb scare.

[FIRE TRUCK HORN BLARES]

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

[WHIRRING]

LEIF: Oh... Oh.

- What?
- Oh!

- Peter, my pressure cooker, man!
- What?

- Are you fuckin' kid... You kiddin' me?
- No.

[WHIRRING]

PETER: They think it's a fuckin' bomb!

- Yeah.
- You can't leave a pressure cooker

in a duffel bag and leave it in the park!

- I didn't mean to!
- Okay. You didn't do anything wrong.

We didn't do anything wrong,
I'll just... I'll grab a cop.

I'll explain what happened. I'll
get my ring. I got to get my ring.

No, no, no, leave the ring.
Don't worry about the ring, man.

It's in the past, forget the ring.

- I'll just explain...
- No, no, no!

- Hey, you didn't do anything!
- I did do something.

I have LSD in that bag, Peter.
I have some LSD in that bag.

It carries like a mandatory
minimum of five years.

It's Reagan, man. It's not me.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- No, I'm not.
- This whole magical journey

you had fuckin' narcotics on you?

The Frisbee girls gave it to
me because they're Canadian

and they were leaving town
and they... It was a gift.

I don't know.

- Okay. Fuck you!
- Peter!

- Get the fuck off!
- Wait! Peter!

- Get the...
- Hold on, man!

Aw! Fuckin' dick!

- Sorry. Pete...
- [GRUNTS]

Peter, that rock hit you!

Hold it! Hold it!

[GRUNTS]

Fire in the hole!

[CROWD GASPS]



LEIF: Hey, man.

You know what you're learning, Peter?

Strength, tons of it.

You did a great job today, man,

negotiating what's right
versus what's wrong.

I'm really proud of you.

Karmically, it might not work out

in this lifetime, but who knows?

In a hundred years, in a hundred lifetimes,

you could be a dog and
someone gives you a bone.

Can we go, please?

You're finally learning to surf.

No. No, I'm not!

You forced me to surf, and I
didn't wanna do any of this!

How... Why is it that when
bad things happen to me,

it's all part of some magical
plan that only you understand?

What about when shit happens to you?

Um, I...

I'll meditate on that for us both.

Can you roll up the window?

[SIREN CHIRPS]



♪ He wants to dream like a young man ♪

♪ With the wisdom of an old man ♪

♪ He wants his home and security ♪

♪ He wants to live
like a sailor at sea ♪

♪ Beautiful loser ♪

♪ Where you gonna fall ♪

♪ When you realize you
just can't have it all? ♪

♪ He's your oldest
and your best friend ♪

♪ If you need him,
he'll be there again ♪

♪ He's always willing ♪

♪ To be second best ♪

♪ A perfect lodger ♪

♪ A perfect guest ♪

♪ Beautiful loser ♪

♪ Read it on the wall ♪

♪ And realize ♪

♪ You just can't have it all ♪

♪ Just can't have it... ♪