Crashing (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Barking - full transcript
[honking]
Hey. Excuse me.
Yeah, show starts at 8:30 tonight.
It's a... it's a great
show. All headliner showcase.
- Two for one.
- No, sorry.
My name is Pete. I'm
a... I'm a comedian.
Oh, hey, Pete. Nice to meet you.
Hi. Uh, somebody told
me that you guys...
I'm gonna stop you there, Pete.
I know what somebody told you.
You're looking for stage time, right?
You got that soft,
scared look in your eye
like your mother just dropped
you off at the Mall of America.
Listen, I got allthe fucking
comedians I can handle.
What I need is some audience.
You know? Fuck, I need less comedians.
I'd love to help ya, but, uh, I can't.
So, God bless, good luck, fuck off.
There's nothing I can do.
Hold on. You... you're a comedian.
Yeah.
You know my shit?
No. I'm sorry.
But you get how it is, man.
I gotta pay $14 to do an open mic.
I'm performing for other people
who are waiting to perform.
I... I need a real club.
There's nothing I can
do. I don't... I mean...
unless you wanna bark.
What? Yes, I'll do that. What's that?
Well, a lot of guys think it
puts kind of a stink on you.
But, you know, I mean, it's
when you take these flyers
and you put your name on the
back and you go to the corner,
if you get five paying customers by the
end of the night,
we'll put you on stage,
but... it's a big if... If
there's still audience here.
So it's a butt-fuck, but it's
the butt-fuck I'm offering.
I accept your butt-fuck.
That, I... Yes.
Not so fast.
Let's see your moves.
- What, now?
- Yeah, now.
Uh...
Hey, do you have plans tonight?
We've got a great show.
Madame?
Hey, comedy! He looked busy.
Yeah, they're all busy.
They're walking, Pete.
Move the flyer. Move the flyer.
Flick. When it goes back in the stack,
- you wanna flick it.
- Flick it in the sack.
Come here. Give me this.
Let me show you how it's done.
Big man! Comedy show tonight.
- All headliner showcase.
- Not interested.
Not interested? Come on, come on.
It's the best show in town.
- What do you got to do?
- Dude, fuck off, man.
Fuck... Fuck off?
This is the best fucking show in town!
Fuck comedy.
Fuck comedy? Hey, fuck you!
Fuck me? Fuck you!
Honey, babe, it's okay.
- Fuckin' asshole.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep walkin'. I hope you
both have a bunch of kids!
And you gotta deal with
all of the associated
responsibilities,
you... you cock-sucker!
Fuck you!
That's how it's done, my friend.
- [laughter]
- Man: Geez.
What's up, guys?
Uh, I'm Pete.
You barking too?
Yeah. Yeah, man.
Did you guys look closely
at this flyer at all?
I mean, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld,
do any of these people
actually perform here?
- Fuck no.
- Yeah, Ben Stiller's on there.
He's not even a comic.
Ray Romano came in
here once, on accident.
But then he just used
the shitter and he left.
Where you guys are concerned,
they're all here, okay?
Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK,
you tell 'em we're re-animating
Richard fucking Pryor
if that'll get 'em through this door.
All right? Boy scout, we're
not selling Thin Mints here.
We haven't been saying
Bill Cosby as much recently.
Man: Yeah.
I just don't know if I feel
comfortable lying to people.
And do you feel more
comfortable not performing?
There's gotta be a middle ground there.
I mean, even if we do get
them in here with lies,
they're gonna know
it's a bait and switch.
No, they're not.
They're stupid tourists.
It's like who comes to New
York and doesn't have a plan?
Yeah, they're gonna end
up at like a Panera Bread
or get human-trafficked.
Is that a verb, "human-trafficked"?
When they do it to you.
What?
I'm at MacDougal and Third. I...
Ugh! Lucky!
Is that good?
No, they're all shitty, but
you got the least shitty.
I'm in front of an NYU dorm.
It's like these kids are too
smart to fall for this shit.
- Comedy tonight?
- Thank you.
You guys eat here?
Oh, yeah, you can't bark
for four hours and not eat.
Four hours?
Woman: The guy before
me, he's already tanking
and then for his
closer, he decides to put
his entire mouth over the microphone.
Do you know how dirty those are?
Like he deep-throated it.
This is great.
West Village. Look at us.
Standing on the corner,
eating street food,
we're gonna do a set tonight at a club
in Manhattan. I love this.
What the fuck's wrong with you?
No, I'm just saying,
following the dream.
We're grinding it out. I'm
happy to be with you guys.
- Oh, he's doing a bit.
- It's a bit.
No, no, no. I mean it.
You follow your heart, you
should be proud of yourselves.
I get it. You're Mormon.
I'm not Mormon.
I'm just regular, you know?
- Regular what?
- Regular Christian.
No add-ons. Just Old and New.
Meat and potatoes.
You know, to be honest,
I'm a little worried
about all this standing.
Four hours on concrete, that's
really hard on your knees.
I'm just saying if I had known, I
would have worn more comfortable shoes.
Like a nurse's shoe or a clog.
Are you talking about
like a wooden shoe?
Like what little Dutch girls wear?
No, like a modern clog, like a Croc.
You get the ones that don't
have the holes in the top
with a long pant, it looks like a shoe.
It's like a comfortable secret.
You're like a mental patient that's
been released for the afternoon.
I'm gonna sit down.
He's worse than an open mic.
Can you guys open it up?
Like, if you just...
If you just kind of
circle here, I can still...
We can see you.
You're good there, man.
You're good.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
Great comedy show, tonight.
Great comedy show t...
Great live comedy tonight.
We got a great show.
Excuse me.
Got a great live comedy show.
Great... great live comedy tonight.
All headliner show. 8:30 tonight.
All headliner show, right up the block.
Two for one with the flyer.
Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, who knows?
Great live comedy... Yes!
- Thank... you.
- [spits]
Great live comedy tonight.
Right up the block. 8:30 show.
Great live comedy. Great live comedy.
My knees hurt.
Great live comedy. Great
comedy show tonight.
Two for one.
Amplified jokes.
We got amplified jokes
happening on a stage.
All headliner show tonight, ladies.
Hello. Great live comedy
tonight. We got a great show.
- Great live comedy, guys. You wanna...
- Oh. Yeah.
Great live comedy. Two for ten.
- 8:30 tonight. All headliners.
- I love comedy.
- Great.
- Oh, my God. Is Seinfeld on the show?
Uh, not necessarily.
- You know, it's... it's New York.
- What?
He might pop in.
Why would you put him on the flyer then?
You know, these are examples of the
types of comedians you might see.
I... I like to think each
of them influence the essence
of the people you will see performing.
That's fucked up, man.
You go to an Italian restaurant,
there's a picture of Frank Sinatra.
It doesn't mean he's gonna be there.
[siren chirps]
Where did you get that coffee?
Do they have a bathroom?
Great live comedy. Was there a bathroom
in that pizzeria?
Hello. Great live comedy.
Hi. Great live comedy?
Please help me with this man.
Do you see him?
Do you know if there's
a bathroom around here?
Do you know if there's
a bathroom in the area?
Where do you pee?
Hey, can I help you?
- I'm just going to the bathroom.
- Customers only.
Yeah, I...
Just number one. Just a pee. Just a pow.
Customers only, dude.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You wanna use the bathroom, you're
gonna have to order something.
Uh, um...
If I had a bar and you came in,
I would look the other way.
Do you have a bar?
I've always wanted to open
a winery in the Adirondacks.
So, what you're saying is pointless.
Uh, okay. Give me a Coke.
- Coke.
- Coke.
It's $8.
I'm sorry?
- Eight.
- Dollars?
- Yeah.
- For the Coke?
Yeah.
Coca-Cola at a bodega or a gas station,
like two liters, 99 cents.
89 in some neighborhoods
that are rougher.
Okay? This isn't a bodega.
If I give you $8, I have $2 left.
How about a tip?
Yeah, I'm handing out flyers for free.
That sounds like a you-problem.
It's a service industry
- built on principle.
- Enjoy your pee.
I wish I had to shit.
I'd put it on the floor.
♪ ♪
Wanna see some comedy tonight, sir?
Greenwich Comedy Club. Big show tonight.
Got a great show tonight.
Greenwich Comedy Club.
Would you like to see some comedy?
- Hi! You guys want to see some comedy?
- I'll take one.
It's a great show. Big show tonight.
- I'll take it.
- Thank you.
Hey, you want to see some comedy, sir?
Sorry. Hi, no.
I... I've been working
on this corner tonight.
Oh, yeah? That's nice.
Hey, you want to see some
comedy? You like comedy?
Sorry, so... could I get my corner back?
Oh, this is your corner?
This, MacDougal and Third, is
your corner? You're a MacDougal?
I understand. It's...
it's not my corner.
But I... I was here. I
established a presence.
My club is right down there.
I got a good thing going.
Comedy. Greenwich
Comedy Club. Great show.
You see? They're
walking towards my club.
What was I gone, three minutes?
Three minutes, so if
you have a parking spot
and you drive off for three minutes,
is that supposed to be your parking spot
for the rest of your life?
Is that how you think cities work?
I understand the comparison,
but this isn't a parking...
Just walk away.
No, I'm just... Could we...
Walk away.
Geez.
- Walk away.
- Okay.
Great live comedy.
Would you like to see
some comedy, miss?
It's a really nice show.
I think you'll like it.
Hey, we got Jim Gaffigan tonight. Jim...
Come on, man.
Live comedy tonight!
Boston Comedy Club!
Hey, we got Dave Chappelle
tonight, man. Dave Chappelle!
I know you like Dave!
Half-Baked? Half-Baked?
Yes, you love it. Hey, cool. Hey!
Aah. Live comedy tonight!
- Boston Comedy...
- What's up, man?
- What?
- I'm having a problem.
Somebody from the Greenwich Comedy Club
came over and they're trying
to shake me from my corner.
- Someone shook you from your corner?
- Yes.
Why the fuck are you
talking like you in The Wire?
I haven't seen The Wire.
- What?
- There's no good way
to tell people you
haven't seen The Wire.
Look, this guy is on my corner.
I'm just asking you how...
How do I handle that?
Listen, man. I don't
know what to tell you.
All right? 'Cause if you don't
get five, you don't get on.
What would you do?
I would tell the guy to
get the fuck off my corner.
- You think that would work?
- It's not working now!
- Okay.
- Okay!
I will leave because I'm a reason...
- I'm sorry.
- Be reasonable and leave!
- I'm being...
- Go!
Thank you.
♪ ♪
Great live comedy.
Comedy?
No?
Great live comedy.
Hey, ladies, great live comedy tonight,
- just a couple blocks away.
- [giggling, muttering]
- Congratulations.
- [men speaking foreign language]
Hey, uh, great live comedy tonight.
It's just three blocks
this way, to the right,
one block up on your left.
Uh, we are looking for the Blue Note.
We got... we got a great
live comedy show though.
You guys would love it. Stand-up comedy.
No, no, no... No, no
comedy. Uh... Jaejue.
Uh... [imitates jazz cymbal]
Yeah, jazz.
[imitates trumpet]
There you go.
This guy's weird. I like that.
Uh, yeah, the Blue Note's on Third.
Uh, you're just gonna go
up there, bang a right.
You'll... you'll run into it, actually.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome. Enjoy.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- [all chatting]
[imitates trumpet] Yeah.
Yeah, all right, yeah. [imitates bass]
Great live comedy?
I also do jazz sounds.
♪ ♪
We got a great live comedy show, sir.
- Flick.
- No, thank you.
Hey, guys. Great live comedy?
We got a great live
comedy show. Two for one.
You guys like Jerry Seinfeld?
Man: Cool. I'll see y'all next time.
Man: Oh. All right, man.
I'm so sorry. I... I didn't...
I didn't know it was business.
And I'm not a narc.
I'm sure that's what narcs
say, "I'm not a narc."
They're not gonna say, "I'm a narc."
That would be a really
bad strategy for a narc.
I'm really sorry.
Do you have any interest...
in a comedy show?
[scoffs]
How much they pay you
to pass those flyers out?
Oh, yeah, no.
I... I don't get paid. I hand these out.
And if five people pay to come in,
then I get to perform.
Well, how much do they
pay you to perform?
They don't... they
don't pay me to perform.
It's... The whole thing is kind of...
gratis, you know?
Fuck.
Yeah.
Uh, it's all right.
I know this is weird, but
could I ask you some advice?
Yeah.
If somebody, like...
This is your turf, right?
And if somebody stole your turf,
how would you... How
would you get it back?
I mean, I don't really know.
To be honest with you, I
don't really have like, a turf.
You know, I just kind of walk around
with a look on my face
that says, "I have weed."
- Weed face.
- Yeah.
I mean, someone's up in your shit?
Yeah. You know, I...
I don't know what to do.
I mean, what would you do
if... if you went to the
bathroom and came back
and there was another guy here?
I'd just handle my business.
Okay, but how specifically
would you handle your business?
I'd get mine.
Set it off. Be a man. Man up.
You know, represent, man.
Like represent an attitude?
You gotta flip the switch, man.
You gotta light it up.
Sorry, a lot of these sound
like lyrics from the album Willennium.
I need like, real,
like, life application...
like steps.
Look, man, just be loud and opposin'.
I'm mean, you're a giant, man.
You're a tall dude.
I have never been in a fight in my life.
This is very soft.
I'm like a Tempur-Pedic
mattress going at it.
Trust me, nobody really wants to fight.
I mean, people talk tough shit,
but, you know, everyone's a coward.
Yeah.
- Do you want to come...
- I'm... I'm good.
I think I'm good.
Do you know anybody that might
want to come to a comedy show?
I mean, I guess I could
ask the dudes in my dorm.
- You go to NYU?
- Yeah. I'm a sophomore.
I study semiotics.
- Yeah. All right.
- Yeah.
Thank you. Good luck with your weed.
And your studies.
Thanks, man. I... I appreciate that.
Greenwich Comedy Club. Check it out.
Wanna see a show tonight?
Greenwich Village Comedy Club.
- No.
- Great show.
Hey, how you doin'? We got
a great live comedy show.
- The best comedy club in town.
- What the fuck are you doing?
Handling my business. We
got a great live comedy show.
- Boston Comedy Club...
- Hey, check it out...
[overlapping chatter]
- Louis CK is at the Boston Comedy Club.
- Check it out.
- You like comedy?
- Ray Romano...
- You like Eddie Murphy, right?
- ...at the Boston Comedy Club.
- We got, uh, Kevin Hart!
- We got Jerry Seinfeld.
Two-for-one if you want to see
Chris Rock at the Boston Comedy Club.
- Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
- We got Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
All right, listen to me, asshole.
Just walk off the corner, okay?
I was thinking about it. I'm
not gonna walk off the block.
'Cause what are you gonna do?
What's that a laser pointer?
Are you gonna give me a TED Talk?
[clacks]
That's an ASP, bitch.
Active Self Protection.
What, your mom get that for you?
- Yeah.
- You crazy!
- Yeah, I am crazy!
- Geez!
Cut it out! Aah!
- What do you think of that?
- That really hurts!
Get away from me!
Oh, you're in trouble now.
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
- You got a fuckin' problem?
- No.
- Uh, whoa.
- Geez.
- I don't think...
- I'm so sorry.
- You broke my fucking window!
- Run!
This wasn't about you. I'm so sorry.
He stole my corner.
I gotta get five people or
I don't get to go on stage.
- I don't give a fuck!
- I think we can talk.
Talk?! Goddammit!
Come on, man!
- Son of a bitch!
- I'm sorry!
I've got your ass, motherfucker!
You fucker!
[tires screeching]
[people gasping]
[screams] My leg!
- My fuckin' leg!
- Oh...
I'm so sorry, man! You
came out of nowhere!
Man: Oh, man! My foot!
Yeah, hello. We need an ambulanc
here, on Third and Thompson!
Man got hit by a car!
Call 911!
Yeah... I'm doing it now!
Yeah, we need an ambulance now.
Yes, Third and Thompson!
- Stop moving, bro.
- Yo, ambulance is coming.
Driver: You are drunk.
You obviously are drunk.
We got a great live comedy show.
Two for one. Jerry
Seinfeld, Chris Rock...
Man: Piece of shit, dude!
You can't fucking drive!
Driver: You're drunk!
Live comedy show. Jerry Seinfeld.
♪ ♪
What's going on, are we done?
No, Hannibal's going up at the Boston.
- Seriously. Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
[applause]
Hannibal Buress: Act like I
don't know when I get there.
Hey, man, this place is beautiful.
Congratulations, how
much did it cost you?
Come on, man, I don't want
to talk about money right now.
All right, cool, I'll
be back in ten seconds.
[laughter]
- Nobody tells me.
- Shut up. Come on.
I've been dabbling in Cialis.
[laughter]
If you don't know, Cialis is a male
enhancement drug, and
I don't feel ashamed.
Once of my friends gave me one.
And I tried it out, I
was like, "I like this."
I like what this is doing for me.
It's great. It's amazing.
And I don't tell the
girls I'm on Cialis.
I just dick 'em down and act
like that's how I always do it.
[laughing]
Just straight... Bow! Bow!
"Wow! You're a machine!"
I only know about
Viagra not from friends,
but just through jokes.
- Can't fucking believe this.
- I know, this is incredible.
No, dipshit, I can't believe you're
not on your fucking corner right now.
Why are you in here as
opposed to being out there
telling people to come in here?
Hannibal Buress is on stage...
I know Hannibal Buress
is on the fucking stage.
And if you told the fucking people on
the sidewalk that
Hannibal was on stage,
maybe they would come in here.
Those guys get to watch!
Why do they get to watch?
They all brought in five people.
You brought in two people.
I could drop a sandwich board
in the middle of the sidewalk
and get more than two
people in this place.
And I... Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey!
Anaya brought in 13 people.
Well, that's more than enough.
Can I have some of hers?
- Come on, come on, let's go. Come on.
- I'm just saying...
Get the fuck out there. Let's go.
Cialis make you fuck her good,
but not enough for her to fall in love.
[laughing]
You like Hannibal Buress? I love him.
Hannibal Buress, one of my
personal favorite comedians,
is on stage at the terrible
Boston Comedy Club right now.
- You guys want to see Hannibal Buress?
- Oh, my God, Hannibal?
Yeah, right. These guys
are always full of shit.
Nope. He's really there.
Two-for-one, Hannibal
Buress at the Boston...
- Hey.
- Oh.
- Marina.
- Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Pretty good.
You were really great
on Conan, by the way.
Aw, you know what, I
really appreciate that.
- Yeah.
- Are you all right? 'Cause, you know,
I saw Jason back there. He was kind
of rough on you. He was being a dick.
You know, it's... It's fine.
I'm kind of feeling degraded
and it's kind of crushing my soul.
I feel a little bit like a prostitute.
- Kind of sucks.
- Well, you know,
prostitutes get paid.
You're right. So it's worse.
[laughing] I didn't think... Okay.
I'm like a free
prostitute. I'm just a...
I'm just a loose woman
at the office party.
It's all right, man. Hang in there,
'cause, you know, we've all been here.
I've been here, I used to do this.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
I used to bark at the
Broadway Comedy Club.
It there's anything worse than
the Boston, it's the Broadway.
Well, that... That makes me feel better.
But, you know, this is the
game. This is what it is.
Like, you know, if it sucks,
like, that's when you
know you're doing it right.
In five years, they're
gonna be begging for it.
Okay? So you're good.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Thanks so much.
- Yeah, right.
Hey, Hannibal Buress
is on stage right now,
that's a great show.
I got two-for-one for Hannibal Buress.
So, did I get my five?
You barely squeaked by.
Couldn't get more than three
people with Hannibal Buress?
Okay, that's the problem
with lying, Jason.
Nobody believed me
when I said he was here.
It's like the boy who
cried Seinfeld out there.
Where'd everybody go?
- They left with Hannibal.
- This is what happens
when we run a deceitful operation.
We're out there lying, they come in...
[sniffs]... they smell the nonsense.
They leave once the hot stuff's gone,
and now there's nothing
left for the little guy.
This is a flyer, not a liar, okay?
Save it for the stage, Pete.
It's not good enough for the stage.
It's good enough for you. Do
you want to go on stage, Pete?
Yes. I'm sorry.
Go inside, Pete.
Hey, have you heard anybody doing
premise for their cum
tastes like vanilla?
- No.
- Okay. Good.
So the chick says, "I think I love you,
but your cum tastes like vanilla."
[one person laughs]
I'm just watching a basketball game,
12,000 people in the stands,
most of them are white,
I mean, somebody's gotta be racist.
It's gotta tear you up inside
being a racist basketball fan.
You're up there thinking,
"I hate black people,
except for these five guys. Go defense!"
[scattered chuckles]
Good night, everybody.
Yeah! Clap it up!
Jason Webber, everybody.
Nicely done, Jason.
Come on, there it is.
Any tourists in the crowd?
[man coughs]
All right, what do you say we
keep this moving right along.
Uh, very funny dude
is coming up right now.
Put your hands together for Pete...
Holmes, everybody, Pete Holmes!
Clap it up for him.
[scattered applause]
You ever hail a cab just
to stop it from hitting you?
[scattered chuckles]
I never know what to tip those guys.
[chuckling]
I feel like cops in shorts should
only be allowed to arrest children.
[chuckles]
Put on a long pant if you want to
take down a man, is what I'm saying.
- [door opens]
- Um...
[boisterous chattering]
Pete: My jazz friends.
[chattering continues]
Hey! Hey, all right!
You saw jazz, now you're
seeing stand-up comedy.
These are our two
major American exports.
Yeah. If you see a serial killer
later, you'll have seen all three.
[laughing]
I played baseball when
I was a kid, you know.
It's awkward because I
was the pudgy, awkward kid.
Or in Little League
terms, I was the catcher.
[laughing]
It's the only position where
you get to sit the whole game,
so I was like, "Tell me more."
It's really fun when you're the catcher,
except you're the only kid on the
team that has to wear a jockstrap.
[laughing] So, ooh, you know!
Which is awkward when you're a child
'cause they don't
really come in your size.
You just have to get
the smallest adult size,
which is gigantic.
It's like getting a three-car
garage to protect my tricycle,
you know what I mean?
I remember trying it on me,
like, "I don't think
this is going to work.
Maybe I should get the top
half of a pistachio shell
- and a rubber band."
- [laughing]
I used a vending machine
earlier this week.
Not only did it give me my snack,
it gave me all my money back.
- [laughing]
- Yeah.
So I was like, "I
guess we're dating now."
[laughing]
Yeah. It's like, "You just
fulfilled all my needs.
And you're not too bad
on the eyes, either."
Little something for everyone.
I had a roommate in college
who was a gutter punk.
You guys know what punks are?
Punks, yeah, yeah,
with the hair, you know?
Yeah, they look like a
fancy bird that no one loved.
A gutter punk is a punk
without any sort of class or dignity
and lives in the street,
but somehow has nine dogs.
No money, but nine dogs.
Y'all watch porn at work?
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, this section?
Okay. Uh... I like porn.
Sometimes when I watch porn,
I like to turn it up real loud
so my neighbors think
it's me fucking next door.
[laughing]
They get so confused. "Oh, my God!
Is he... Oh, shit! He's amazing."
And he plays saxophone, too?"
Like, you know what I mean?
Hey, y'all are like a
Korean Def Jam audience.
This is dope.
Whoo!
- [laughing]
- Very funny!
Thanks man, I appreciate it.
Good night.
Hey. You know, you're not un-funny.
I made a couple of notes.
I used to do a little
coaching on the side.
Don't take the mic out of the
stand for the first three years.
You're not ready for
that. Focus on the words.
Then you'll work on the physicality.
You should use more
old video game shirts.
Atari, Nintendo,
helps you connect with
the kinds of people
that would be interested in
buying something of yours.
Also, the weight. You
gotta lose ten or gain 50.
You're somewhere in the middle. Are you
- skinny, are you fat? We don't know.
- I...
Good job pulling in that crowd tonight.
Uh, thanks, Jason.
I, uh, I mean, what was that, 30,
20 people maybe? I mean.
Aah. You only had one flyer though.
- Yeah, but you...
- I'm kidding.
Come back tomorrow night,
I'll put you on even earlier.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'll be here.
- Thanks, man.
- Have a good night.
You too.
And keep up the energy up front,
in your act, when you come out.
- Yeah. Sure.
- Wink, smile.
"Any birthdays in the crowd?"
People love that stuff.
- Whoo.
- Right?
Yeah. That was good.
- That was dope.
- It was fine.
- That was nice.
- Shut up, man.
- What?
- It was fine.
It was just a
bunch of Korean tourists.
You know, they were laughing
because we were pausing,
and they were just happy that they
weren't in their home country anymore
because they normally
watch shows at gunpoint.
- How do you know this?
- They were not from North Korea.
That's the top one, by the way.
- I know there's two!
- You do?
- Do you?
- One is ours and one is theirs.
- [laughing] What?
- Right?
It's... Whatever. I know
I did better than Hannibal.
[laughter]
Yo, are you fucking kidding me?
No. I did great.
You literally did four
minutes of filler and setup.
Hannibal's so good, he
could make your shit funny.
- That's all I'm saying.
- It's a rhythm thing.
- What are you...
- You just do it with rhythm.
He's a genius, man. He's a genius.
Your rhythm is yelling through a beard.
Whatever. He just says things funny.
Whatever, Porter. I
have a 1:00 a.m. spot
to go work on my rhythm.
Can I come?
Oh, please don't say that.
That was very creepy.
- Yeah.
- Very creepy. That was uncomfortable.
Yeah. You just join. You just walk.
- I just mean...
- Just exist, man.
I'm being polite. I want to
make a connection with you guys.
- That's really gross.
- Yeah, it was very, like,
- just slimy. Like, "Can I join?"
- "Can I come?"
You sound like the
boy from Secret Garden.
What neighborhood do you guys live in?
Okay.
You know that that was creepier than
- the last thing you said.
- You know what that sounded like.
Ask me where I live.
- No!
- No.
I'm sure it's under
a bridge somewhere.
Kind of.
♪ East Side, West Side ♪
♪ All around the town ♪
♪ The tots sang
"Ring-a-rosie" ♪
♪ "London Bridge is falling down" ♪
♪ Boys and girls together ♪
♪ Me and Mamie O'Rourke ♪
♪ Tripped the light fantastic ♪
♪ On the sidewalks of New York ♪
♪ East Side, West Side ♪
♪ All around the town ♪
♪ The tots sang
"Ring-a-rosie" ♪
♪ "London Bridge is falling down" ♪
♪ Boys and girls together ♪
♪ Me and Mamie O'Rourke ♪
♪ Tripped the light fantastic ♪
♪ On the sidewalks ♪
♪ Of New York ♪
Hey. Excuse me.
Yeah, show starts at 8:30 tonight.
It's a... it's a great
show. All headliner showcase.
- Two for one.
- No, sorry.
My name is Pete. I'm
a... I'm a comedian.
Oh, hey, Pete. Nice to meet you.
Hi. Uh, somebody told
me that you guys...
I'm gonna stop you there, Pete.
I know what somebody told you.
You're looking for stage time, right?
You got that soft,
scared look in your eye
like your mother just dropped
you off at the Mall of America.
Listen, I got allthe fucking
comedians I can handle.
What I need is some audience.
You know? Fuck, I need less comedians.
I'd love to help ya, but, uh, I can't.
So, God bless, good luck, fuck off.
There's nothing I can do.
Hold on. You... you're a comedian.
Yeah.
You know my shit?
No. I'm sorry.
But you get how it is, man.
I gotta pay $14 to do an open mic.
I'm performing for other people
who are waiting to perform.
I... I need a real club.
There's nothing I can
do. I don't... I mean...
unless you wanna bark.
What? Yes, I'll do that. What's that?
Well, a lot of guys think it
puts kind of a stink on you.
But, you know, I mean, it's
when you take these flyers
and you put your name on the
back and you go to the corner,
if you get five paying customers by the
end of the night,
we'll put you on stage,
but... it's a big if... If
there's still audience here.
So it's a butt-fuck, but it's
the butt-fuck I'm offering.
I accept your butt-fuck.
That, I... Yes.
Not so fast.
Let's see your moves.
- What, now?
- Yeah, now.
Uh...
Hey, do you have plans tonight?
We've got a great show.
Madame?
Hey, comedy! He looked busy.
Yeah, they're all busy.
They're walking, Pete.
Move the flyer. Move the flyer.
Flick. When it goes back in the stack,
- you wanna flick it.
- Flick it in the sack.
Come here. Give me this.
Let me show you how it's done.
Big man! Comedy show tonight.
- All headliner showcase.
- Not interested.
Not interested? Come on, come on.
It's the best show in town.
- What do you got to do?
- Dude, fuck off, man.
Fuck... Fuck off?
This is the best fucking show in town!
Fuck comedy.
Fuck comedy? Hey, fuck you!
Fuck me? Fuck you!
Honey, babe, it's okay.
- Fuckin' asshole.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep walkin'. I hope you
both have a bunch of kids!
And you gotta deal with
all of the associated
responsibilities,
you... you cock-sucker!
Fuck you!
That's how it's done, my friend.
- [laughter]
- Man: Geez.
What's up, guys?
Uh, I'm Pete.
You barking too?
Yeah. Yeah, man.
Did you guys look closely
at this flyer at all?
I mean, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld,
do any of these people
actually perform here?
- Fuck no.
- Yeah, Ben Stiller's on there.
He's not even a comic.
Ray Romano came in
here once, on accident.
But then he just used
the shitter and he left.
Where you guys are concerned,
they're all here, okay?
Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK,
you tell 'em we're re-animating
Richard fucking Pryor
if that'll get 'em through this door.
All right? Boy scout, we're
not selling Thin Mints here.
We haven't been saying
Bill Cosby as much recently.
Man: Yeah.
I just don't know if I feel
comfortable lying to people.
And do you feel more
comfortable not performing?
There's gotta be a middle ground there.
I mean, even if we do get
them in here with lies,
they're gonna know
it's a bait and switch.
No, they're not.
They're stupid tourists.
It's like who comes to New
York and doesn't have a plan?
Yeah, they're gonna end
up at like a Panera Bread
or get human-trafficked.
Is that a verb, "human-trafficked"?
When they do it to you.
What?
I'm at MacDougal and Third. I...
Ugh! Lucky!
Is that good?
No, they're all shitty, but
you got the least shitty.
I'm in front of an NYU dorm.
It's like these kids are too
smart to fall for this shit.
- Comedy tonight?
- Thank you.
You guys eat here?
Oh, yeah, you can't bark
for four hours and not eat.
Four hours?
Woman: The guy before
me, he's already tanking
and then for his
closer, he decides to put
his entire mouth over the microphone.
Do you know how dirty those are?
Like he deep-throated it.
This is great.
West Village. Look at us.
Standing on the corner,
eating street food,
we're gonna do a set tonight at a club
in Manhattan. I love this.
What the fuck's wrong with you?
No, I'm just saying,
following the dream.
We're grinding it out. I'm
happy to be with you guys.
- Oh, he's doing a bit.
- It's a bit.
No, no, no. I mean it.
You follow your heart, you
should be proud of yourselves.
I get it. You're Mormon.
I'm not Mormon.
I'm just regular, you know?
- Regular what?
- Regular Christian.
No add-ons. Just Old and New.
Meat and potatoes.
You know, to be honest,
I'm a little worried
about all this standing.
Four hours on concrete, that's
really hard on your knees.
I'm just saying if I had known, I
would have worn more comfortable shoes.
Like a nurse's shoe or a clog.
Are you talking about
like a wooden shoe?
Like what little Dutch girls wear?
No, like a modern clog, like a Croc.
You get the ones that don't
have the holes in the top
with a long pant, it looks like a shoe.
It's like a comfortable secret.
You're like a mental patient that's
been released for the afternoon.
I'm gonna sit down.
He's worse than an open mic.
Can you guys open it up?
Like, if you just...
If you just kind of
circle here, I can still...
We can see you.
You're good there, man.
You're good.
♪ ♪
[sighs]
Great comedy show, tonight.
Great comedy show t...
Great live comedy tonight.
We got a great show.
Excuse me.
Got a great live comedy show.
Great... great live comedy tonight.
All headliner show. 8:30 tonight.
All headliner show, right up the block.
Two for one with the flyer.
Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, who knows?
Great live comedy... Yes!
- Thank... you.
- [spits]
Great live comedy tonight.
Right up the block. 8:30 show.
Great live comedy. Great live comedy.
My knees hurt.
Great live comedy. Great
comedy show tonight.
Two for one.
Amplified jokes.
We got amplified jokes
happening on a stage.
All headliner show tonight, ladies.
Hello. Great live comedy
tonight. We got a great show.
- Great live comedy, guys. You wanna...
- Oh. Yeah.
Great live comedy. Two for ten.
- 8:30 tonight. All headliners.
- I love comedy.
- Great.
- Oh, my God. Is Seinfeld on the show?
Uh, not necessarily.
- You know, it's... it's New York.
- What?
He might pop in.
Why would you put him on the flyer then?
You know, these are examples of the
types of comedians you might see.
I... I like to think each
of them influence the essence
of the people you will see performing.
That's fucked up, man.
You go to an Italian restaurant,
there's a picture of Frank Sinatra.
It doesn't mean he's gonna be there.
[siren chirps]
Where did you get that coffee?
Do they have a bathroom?
Great live comedy. Was there a bathroom
in that pizzeria?
Hello. Great live comedy.
Hi. Great live comedy?
Please help me with this man.
Do you see him?
Do you know if there's
a bathroom around here?
Do you know if there's
a bathroom in the area?
Where do you pee?
Hey, can I help you?
- I'm just going to the bathroom.
- Customers only.
Yeah, I...
Just number one. Just a pee. Just a pow.
Customers only, dude.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You wanna use the bathroom, you're
gonna have to order something.
Uh, um...
If I had a bar and you came in,
I would look the other way.
Do you have a bar?
I've always wanted to open
a winery in the Adirondacks.
So, what you're saying is pointless.
Uh, okay. Give me a Coke.
- Coke.
- Coke.
It's $8.
I'm sorry?
- Eight.
- Dollars?
- Yeah.
- For the Coke?
Yeah.
Coca-Cola at a bodega or a gas station,
like two liters, 99 cents.
89 in some neighborhoods
that are rougher.
Okay? This isn't a bodega.
If I give you $8, I have $2 left.
How about a tip?
Yeah, I'm handing out flyers for free.
That sounds like a you-problem.
It's a service industry
- built on principle.
- Enjoy your pee.
I wish I had to shit.
I'd put it on the floor.
♪ ♪
Wanna see some comedy tonight, sir?
Greenwich Comedy Club. Big show tonight.
Got a great show tonight.
Greenwich Comedy Club.
Would you like to see some comedy?
- Hi! You guys want to see some comedy?
- I'll take one.
It's a great show. Big show tonight.
- I'll take it.
- Thank you.
Hey, you want to see some comedy, sir?
Sorry. Hi, no.
I... I've been working
on this corner tonight.
Oh, yeah? That's nice.
Hey, you want to see some
comedy? You like comedy?
Sorry, so... could I get my corner back?
Oh, this is your corner?
This, MacDougal and Third, is
your corner? You're a MacDougal?
I understand. It's...
it's not my corner.
But I... I was here. I
established a presence.
My club is right down there.
I got a good thing going.
Comedy. Greenwich
Comedy Club. Great show.
You see? They're
walking towards my club.
What was I gone, three minutes?
Three minutes, so if
you have a parking spot
and you drive off for three minutes,
is that supposed to be your parking spot
for the rest of your life?
Is that how you think cities work?
I understand the comparison,
but this isn't a parking...
Just walk away.
No, I'm just... Could we...
Walk away.
Geez.
- Walk away.
- Okay.
Great live comedy.
Would you like to see
some comedy, miss?
It's a really nice show.
I think you'll like it.
Hey, we got Jim Gaffigan tonight. Jim...
Come on, man.
Live comedy tonight!
Boston Comedy Club!
Hey, we got Dave Chappelle
tonight, man. Dave Chappelle!
I know you like Dave!
Half-Baked? Half-Baked?
Yes, you love it. Hey, cool. Hey!
Aah. Live comedy tonight!
- Boston Comedy...
- What's up, man?
- What?
- I'm having a problem.
Somebody from the Greenwich Comedy Club
came over and they're trying
to shake me from my corner.
- Someone shook you from your corner?
- Yes.
Why the fuck are you
talking like you in The Wire?
I haven't seen The Wire.
- What?
- There's no good way
to tell people you
haven't seen The Wire.
Look, this guy is on my corner.
I'm just asking you how...
How do I handle that?
Listen, man. I don't
know what to tell you.
All right? 'Cause if you don't
get five, you don't get on.
What would you do?
I would tell the guy to
get the fuck off my corner.
- You think that would work?
- It's not working now!
- Okay.
- Okay!
I will leave because I'm a reason...
- I'm sorry.
- Be reasonable and leave!
- I'm being...
- Go!
Thank you.
♪ ♪
Great live comedy.
Comedy?
No?
Great live comedy.
Hey, ladies, great live comedy tonight,
- just a couple blocks away.
- [giggling, muttering]
- Congratulations.
- [men speaking foreign language]
Hey, uh, great live comedy tonight.
It's just three blocks
this way, to the right,
one block up on your left.
Uh, we are looking for the Blue Note.
We got... we got a great
live comedy show though.
You guys would love it. Stand-up comedy.
No, no, no... No, no
comedy. Uh... Jaejue.
Uh... [imitates jazz cymbal]
Yeah, jazz.
[imitates trumpet]
There you go.
This guy's weird. I like that.
Uh, yeah, the Blue Note's on Third.
Uh, you're just gonna go
up there, bang a right.
You'll... you'll run into it, actually.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome. Enjoy.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- [all chatting]
[imitates trumpet] Yeah.
Yeah, all right, yeah. [imitates bass]
Great live comedy?
I also do jazz sounds.
♪ ♪
We got a great live comedy show, sir.
- Flick.
- No, thank you.
Hey, guys. Great live comedy?
We got a great live
comedy show. Two for one.
You guys like Jerry Seinfeld?
Man: Cool. I'll see y'all next time.
Man: Oh. All right, man.
I'm so sorry. I... I didn't...
I didn't know it was business.
And I'm not a narc.
I'm sure that's what narcs
say, "I'm not a narc."
They're not gonna say, "I'm a narc."
That would be a really
bad strategy for a narc.
I'm really sorry.
Do you have any interest...
in a comedy show?
[scoffs]
How much they pay you
to pass those flyers out?
Oh, yeah, no.
I... I don't get paid. I hand these out.
And if five people pay to come in,
then I get to perform.
Well, how much do they
pay you to perform?
They don't... they
don't pay me to perform.
It's... The whole thing is kind of...
gratis, you know?
Fuck.
Yeah.
Uh, it's all right.
I know this is weird, but
could I ask you some advice?
Yeah.
If somebody, like...
This is your turf, right?
And if somebody stole your turf,
how would you... How
would you get it back?
I mean, I don't really know.
To be honest with you, I
don't really have like, a turf.
You know, I just kind of walk around
with a look on my face
that says, "I have weed."
- Weed face.
- Yeah.
I mean, someone's up in your shit?
Yeah. You know, I...
I don't know what to do.
I mean, what would you do
if... if you went to the
bathroom and came back
and there was another guy here?
I'd just handle my business.
Okay, but how specifically
would you handle your business?
I'd get mine.
Set it off. Be a man. Man up.
You know, represent, man.
Like represent an attitude?
You gotta flip the switch, man.
You gotta light it up.
Sorry, a lot of these sound
like lyrics from the album Willennium.
I need like, real,
like, life application...
like steps.
Look, man, just be loud and opposin'.
I'm mean, you're a giant, man.
You're a tall dude.
I have never been in a fight in my life.
This is very soft.
I'm like a Tempur-Pedic
mattress going at it.
Trust me, nobody really wants to fight.
I mean, people talk tough shit,
but, you know, everyone's a coward.
Yeah.
- Do you want to come...
- I'm... I'm good.
I think I'm good.
Do you know anybody that might
want to come to a comedy show?
I mean, I guess I could
ask the dudes in my dorm.
- You go to NYU?
- Yeah. I'm a sophomore.
I study semiotics.
- Yeah. All right.
- Yeah.
Thank you. Good luck with your weed.
And your studies.
Thanks, man. I... I appreciate that.
Greenwich Comedy Club. Check it out.
Wanna see a show tonight?
Greenwich Village Comedy Club.
- No.
- Great show.
Hey, how you doin'? We got
a great live comedy show.
- The best comedy club in town.
- What the fuck are you doing?
Handling my business. We
got a great live comedy show.
- Boston Comedy Club...
- Hey, check it out...
[overlapping chatter]
- Louis CK is at the Boston Comedy Club.
- Check it out.
- You like comedy?
- Ray Romano...
- You like Eddie Murphy, right?
- ...at the Boston Comedy Club.
- We got, uh, Kevin Hart!
- We got Jerry Seinfeld.
Two-for-one if you want to see
Chris Rock at the Boston Comedy Club.
- Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
- We got Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
All right, listen to me, asshole.
Just walk off the corner, okay?
I was thinking about it. I'm
not gonna walk off the block.
'Cause what are you gonna do?
What's that a laser pointer?
Are you gonna give me a TED Talk?
[clacks]
That's an ASP, bitch.
Active Self Protection.
What, your mom get that for you?
- Yeah.
- You crazy!
- Yeah, I am crazy!
- Geez!
Cut it out! Aah!
- What do you think of that?
- That really hurts!
Get away from me!
Oh, you're in trouble now.
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
- You got a fuckin' problem?
- No.
- Uh, whoa.
- Geez.
- I don't think...
- I'm so sorry.
- You broke my fucking window!
- Run!
This wasn't about you. I'm so sorry.
He stole my corner.
I gotta get five people or
I don't get to go on stage.
- I don't give a fuck!
- I think we can talk.
Talk?! Goddammit!
Come on, man!
- Son of a bitch!
- I'm sorry!
I've got your ass, motherfucker!
You fucker!
[tires screeching]
[people gasping]
[screams] My leg!
- My fuckin' leg!
- Oh...
I'm so sorry, man! You
came out of nowhere!
Man: Oh, man! My foot!
Yeah, hello. We need an ambulanc
here, on Third and Thompson!
Man got hit by a car!
Call 911!
Yeah... I'm doing it now!
Yeah, we need an ambulance now.
Yes, Third and Thompson!
- Stop moving, bro.
- Yo, ambulance is coming.
Driver: You are drunk.
You obviously are drunk.
We got a great live comedy show.
Two for one. Jerry
Seinfeld, Chris Rock...
Man: Piece of shit, dude!
You can't fucking drive!
Driver: You're drunk!
Live comedy show. Jerry Seinfeld.
♪ ♪
What's going on, are we done?
No, Hannibal's going up at the Boston.
- Seriously. Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
[applause]
Hannibal Buress: Act like I
don't know when I get there.
Hey, man, this place is beautiful.
Congratulations, how
much did it cost you?
Come on, man, I don't want
to talk about money right now.
All right, cool, I'll
be back in ten seconds.
[laughter]
- Nobody tells me.
- Shut up. Come on.
I've been dabbling in Cialis.
[laughter]
If you don't know, Cialis is a male
enhancement drug, and
I don't feel ashamed.
Once of my friends gave me one.
And I tried it out, I
was like, "I like this."
I like what this is doing for me.
It's great. It's amazing.
And I don't tell the
girls I'm on Cialis.
I just dick 'em down and act
like that's how I always do it.
[laughing]
Just straight... Bow! Bow!
"Wow! You're a machine!"
I only know about
Viagra not from friends,
but just through jokes.
- Can't fucking believe this.
- I know, this is incredible.
No, dipshit, I can't believe you're
not on your fucking corner right now.
Why are you in here as
opposed to being out there
telling people to come in here?
Hannibal Buress is on stage...
I know Hannibal Buress
is on the fucking stage.
And if you told the fucking people on
the sidewalk that
Hannibal was on stage,
maybe they would come in here.
Those guys get to watch!
Why do they get to watch?
They all brought in five people.
You brought in two people.
I could drop a sandwich board
in the middle of the sidewalk
and get more than two
people in this place.
And I... Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey!
Anaya brought in 13 people.
Well, that's more than enough.
Can I have some of hers?
- Come on, come on, let's go. Come on.
- I'm just saying...
Get the fuck out there. Let's go.
Cialis make you fuck her good,
but not enough for her to fall in love.
[laughing]
You like Hannibal Buress? I love him.
Hannibal Buress, one of my
personal favorite comedians,
is on stage at the terrible
Boston Comedy Club right now.
- You guys want to see Hannibal Buress?
- Oh, my God, Hannibal?
Yeah, right. These guys
are always full of shit.
Nope. He's really there.
Two-for-one, Hannibal
Buress at the Boston...
- Hey.
- Oh.
- Marina.
- Yeah.
- How's it going?
- Pretty good.
You were really great
on Conan, by the way.
Aw, you know what, I
really appreciate that.
- Yeah.
- Are you all right? 'Cause, you know,
I saw Jason back there. He was kind
of rough on you. He was being a dick.
You know, it's... It's fine.
I'm kind of feeling degraded
and it's kind of crushing my soul.
I feel a little bit like a prostitute.
- Kind of sucks.
- Well, you know,
prostitutes get paid.
You're right. So it's worse.
[laughing] I didn't think... Okay.
I'm like a free
prostitute. I'm just a...
I'm just a loose woman
at the office party.
It's all right, man. Hang in there,
'cause, you know, we've all been here.
I've been here, I used to do this.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
I used to bark at the
Broadway Comedy Club.
It there's anything worse than
the Boston, it's the Broadway.
Well, that... That makes me feel better.
But, you know, this is the
game. This is what it is.
Like, you know, if it sucks,
like, that's when you
know you're doing it right.
In five years, they're
gonna be begging for it.
Okay? So you're good.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Thanks so much.
- Yeah, right.
Hey, Hannibal Buress
is on stage right now,
that's a great show.
I got two-for-one for Hannibal Buress.
So, did I get my five?
You barely squeaked by.
Couldn't get more than three
people with Hannibal Buress?
Okay, that's the problem
with lying, Jason.
Nobody believed me
when I said he was here.
It's like the boy who
cried Seinfeld out there.
Where'd everybody go?
- They left with Hannibal.
- This is what happens
when we run a deceitful operation.
We're out there lying, they come in...
[sniffs]... they smell the nonsense.
They leave once the hot stuff's gone,
and now there's nothing
left for the little guy.
This is a flyer, not a liar, okay?
Save it for the stage, Pete.
It's not good enough for the stage.
It's good enough for you. Do
you want to go on stage, Pete?
Yes. I'm sorry.
Go inside, Pete.
Hey, have you heard anybody doing
premise for their cum
tastes like vanilla?
- No.
- Okay. Good.
So the chick says, "I think I love you,
but your cum tastes like vanilla."
[one person laughs]
I'm just watching a basketball game,
12,000 people in the stands,
most of them are white,
I mean, somebody's gotta be racist.
It's gotta tear you up inside
being a racist basketball fan.
You're up there thinking,
"I hate black people,
except for these five guys. Go defense!"
[scattered chuckles]
Good night, everybody.
Yeah! Clap it up!
Jason Webber, everybody.
Nicely done, Jason.
Come on, there it is.
Any tourists in the crowd?
[man coughs]
All right, what do you say we
keep this moving right along.
Uh, very funny dude
is coming up right now.
Put your hands together for Pete...
Holmes, everybody, Pete Holmes!
Clap it up for him.
[scattered applause]
You ever hail a cab just
to stop it from hitting you?
[scattered chuckles]
I never know what to tip those guys.
[chuckling]
I feel like cops in shorts should
only be allowed to arrest children.
[chuckles]
Put on a long pant if you want to
take down a man, is what I'm saying.
- [door opens]
- Um...
[boisterous chattering]
Pete: My jazz friends.
[chattering continues]
Hey! Hey, all right!
You saw jazz, now you're
seeing stand-up comedy.
These are our two
major American exports.
Yeah. If you see a serial killer
later, you'll have seen all three.
[laughing]
I played baseball when
I was a kid, you know.
It's awkward because I
was the pudgy, awkward kid.
Or in Little League
terms, I was the catcher.
[laughing]
It's the only position where
you get to sit the whole game,
so I was like, "Tell me more."
It's really fun when you're the catcher,
except you're the only kid on the
team that has to wear a jockstrap.
[laughing] So, ooh, you know!
Which is awkward when you're a child
'cause they don't
really come in your size.
You just have to get
the smallest adult size,
which is gigantic.
It's like getting a three-car
garage to protect my tricycle,
you know what I mean?
I remember trying it on me,
like, "I don't think
this is going to work.
Maybe I should get the top
half of a pistachio shell
- and a rubber band."
- [laughing]
I used a vending machine
earlier this week.
Not only did it give me my snack,
it gave me all my money back.
- [laughing]
- Yeah.
So I was like, "I
guess we're dating now."
[laughing]
Yeah. It's like, "You just
fulfilled all my needs.
And you're not too bad
on the eyes, either."
Little something for everyone.
I had a roommate in college
who was a gutter punk.
You guys know what punks are?
Punks, yeah, yeah,
with the hair, you know?
Yeah, they look like a
fancy bird that no one loved.
A gutter punk is a punk
without any sort of class or dignity
and lives in the street,
but somehow has nine dogs.
No money, but nine dogs.
Y'all watch porn at work?
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, this section?
Okay. Uh... I like porn.
Sometimes when I watch porn,
I like to turn it up real loud
so my neighbors think
it's me fucking next door.
[laughing]
They get so confused. "Oh, my God!
Is he... Oh, shit! He's amazing."
And he plays saxophone, too?"
Like, you know what I mean?
Hey, y'all are like a
Korean Def Jam audience.
This is dope.
Whoo!
- [laughing]
- Very funny!
Thanks man, I appreciate it.
Good night.
Hey. You know, you're not un-funny.
I made a couple of notes.
I used to do a little
coaching on the side.
Don't take the mic out of the
stand for the first three years.
You're not ready for
that. Focus on the words.
Then you'll work on the physicality.
You should use more
old video game shirts.
Atari, Nintendo,
helps you connect with
the kinds of people
that would be interested in
buying something of yours.
Also, the weight. You
gotta lose ten or gain 50.
You're somewhere in the middle. Are you
- skinny, are you fat? We don't know.
- I...
Good job pulling in that crowd tonight.
Uh, thanks, Jason.
I, uh, I mean, what was that, 30,
20 people maybe? I mean.
Aah. You only had one flyer though.
- Yeah, but you...
- I'm kidding.
Come back tomorrow night,
I'll put you on even earlier.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'll be here.
- Thanks, man.
- Have a good night.
You too.
And keep up the energy up front,
in your act, when you come out.
- Yeah. Sure.
- Wink, smile.
"Any birthdays in the crowd?"
People love that stuff.
- Whoo.
- Right?
Yeah. That was good.
- That was dope.
- It was fine.
- That was nice.
- Shut up, man.
- What?
- It was fine.
It was just a
bunch of Korean tourists.
You know, they were laughing
because we were pausing,
and they were just happy that they
weren't in their home country anymore
because they normally
watch shows at gunpoint.
- How do you know this?
- They were not from North Korea.
That's the top one, by the way.
- I know there's two!
- You do?
- Do you?
- One is ours and one is theirs.
- [laughing] What?
- Right?
It's... Whatever. I know
I did better than Hannibal.
[laughter]
Yo, are you fucking kidding me?
No. I did great.
You literally did four
minutes of filler and setup.
Hannibal's so good, he
could make your shit funny.
- That's all I'm saying.
- It's a rhythm thing.
- What are you...
- You just do it with rhythm.
He's a genius, man. He's a genius.
Your rhythm is yelling through a beard.
Whatever. He just says things funny.
Whatever, Porter. I
have a 1:00 a.m. spot
to go work on my rhythm.
Can I come?
Oh, please don't say that.
That was very creepy.
- Yeah.
- Very creepy. That was uncomfortable.
Yeah. You just join. You just walk.
- I just mean...
- Just exist, man.
I'm being polite. I want to
make a connection with you guys.
- That's really gross.
- Yeah, it was very, like,
- just slimy. Like, "Can I join?"
- "Can I come?"
You sound like the
boy from Secret Garden.
What neighborhood do you guys live in?
Okay.
You know that that was creepier than
- the last thing you said.
- You know what that sounded like.
Ask me where I live.
- No!
- No.
I'm sure it's under
a bridge somewhere.
Kind of.
♪ East Side, West Side ♪
♪ All around the town ♪
♪ The tots sang
"Ring-a-rosie" ♪
♪ "London Bridge is falling down" ♪
♪ Boys and girls together ♪
♪ Me and Mamie O'Rourke ♪
♪ Tripped the light fantastic ♪
♪ On the sidewalks of New York ♪
♪ East Side, West Side ♪
♪ All around the town ♪
♪ The tots sang
"Ring-a-rosie" ♪
♪ "London Bridge is falling down" ♪
♪ Boys and girls together ♪
♪ Me and Mamie O'Rourke ♪
♪ Tripped the light fantastic ♪
♪ On the sidewalks ♪
♪ Of New York ♪