Coupling (2000–2004): Season 1, Episode 2 - Size Matters - full transcript

*

* YOU WON'T ADMIT YOU LOVE ME *

* AND SO *

* HOW AM I EVER *

* TO KNOW *

* YOU ALWAYS TELL ME *

* PERHAPS, PERHAPS, PERHAPS *

* PERHAPS *

* PERHAPS *

* PERHAPS *

HI, IT'S STEVE.



OH, HI, STEVE.

SO WHAT WAS THE PAUSE FOR?

I DON'T KNOW.
I PANICKED.

WHAT DID YOU DO
AFTER THE PAUSE?

WELL, THE PAUSE
GOT OUT OF CONTROL.

YOU KEPT PAUSING?!

IT GOT AWAY FROM ME.

AT FIRST, IT WAS JUST
A NORMAL PAUSE,

A COLLECT-YOUR-THOUGHTS PAUSE.

THAT'S PERFECTLY
ACCEPTABLE.

BUT THEN...
THEN I THOUGHT
ABOUT THE PAUSE.

AND NOW THE PAUSE
IS TOO LONG TO IGNORE!

YEAH, THE PAUSE IS LIKE
A WHOLE THIRD PERSON
IN THE CONVERSATION.

EXACTLY!
ONLY NOT
SAYING MUCH.



RIGHT.

LIKE PATRICK.

NOW I'M A RABBIT
IN HEADLIGHTS!

THIS PAUSE
IS JUST EXPANDING

AND EXPANDING

LIKE THIS
OUT-OF-CONTROL
THING!

YEAH, LIKE
IN THE BLOB!

YES, LIKE IN--
WHAT?

THE BLOB, 50s HORROR MOVIE.

THIS BLOB COMES
FROM OUTER SPACE

AND JUST KEEPS
GROWING AND GROWING.

RIGHT, THANKS.

IT EATS PEOPLE!

AND IN THE END THEY KILL IT
BY ELECTROCUTION.

BUT THAT BIT
DOESN'T REALLY APPLY HERE.

ANYWAY,
I'VE GOT THE PHONE
IN MY HAND

AND I'M SAYING NOTHING.

RIGHT.
NO, NOTHING!

NOTHING IS COMING
INTO MY HEAD!

I HAVE FORGOTTEN
IN ONE MOMENT
OF EMBARRASSMENT

THE ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

I HATE IT
WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

I CAN FEEL MY HAIR
SWEATING!

OH, GOD, YEAH.

AND THERE'S ALWAYS
THIS PUPPY TRAPPED IN A CAR

THAT YOU'VE GOT TO RESCUE!

WHAT?

OH, SORRY. I'M BACK
ON THE BLOB THERE.

THERE'S ALWAYS THIS PUPPY
TRAPPED IN A CAR

IN THOSE MOVIES.

OKAY. SORRY.
SO, UM...

THE BLOB FROM SPACE
IS THE PAUSE...

YEAH.

WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PUPPY?

LOVE.

WHAT?

OBVIOUSLY, THE PUPPY
REPRESENTS LOVE.

YOU'VE GOT TO RESCUE
THE PUPPY OF LOVE

FROM THE CAR...
OF CONVERSATION.

THAT'S RIGHT,
ISN'T IT, JEFF?

STEVE?

HI, IT'S STEVE.

YOU SAID.

RIGHT--RIGHT, OF COURSE.

UM...

UM...

THERE SEEMS TO BE
A FAULT ON THIS LINE.

BRILLIANT!

PRETTY GOOD.

A FAULT?

YOU--YOU COULDN'T HEAR ME
TALKING THEN, COULD YOU?

I COULD HEAR YOU BREATHING.

UH, THAT WASN'T ME.

IT WASN'T YOU?

NO, NO. UM...

MAYBE--MAYBE THERE'S
SOMEONE BEHIND YOU.

I'M ALONE.

LOOK--

I WAS JUST WONDERING,

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO MEET UP SOMETIME?

OR ALTERNATIVELY,
I COULD NEVER PHONE YOU AGAIN

AND EMIGRATE.

HOW 'BOUT TOMORROW NIGHT?

GREAT.

I SUGGEST NEW ZEALAND.

KIDDING.

RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU
COME 'ROUND TO MY PLACE.

I'LL COOK.

YOU SAID WHAT?

I'LL COOK.

IT JUST CAME
OUT OF MY MOUTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT
"I'LL COOKSAYS?"

IT SAYS,"LET'S HAVE SEX."

NO. THAT WOULD BE "COME
AND SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME."

"COME AND SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH ME" SAYS"LET'S HAVE SEX."

"I'LL COOK"SAYS"LET'S HAVE SEX
ANDI'LL CATER."

SALLY...

SUSAN, YOU ARE
OFFERING THIS MAN

FOOD AND SEX
IN THE SAME PLACE.

IF THERE'S SOMETHING
TO READ IN THE LOO,
HE MAY NEVER LEAVE.

MEN DON'T EXPECT SEX
JUST 'CAUSE YOU OFFER TO COOK.

OKAY...

HAVE YOU THOUGHT
THROUGH YOUR FOREPLAY YET?

THEY KNOW ABOUT THAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FOREPLAY?!

WHAT DO YOU THINK I MEAN?

I MEAN WHERE EXACTLY
DO YOU TAKE YOUR SOCKS OFF?

MY ADVICE IS TO GET THEM OFF
RIGHT AFTERYOUR SHOES

AND BEFOREYOUR TROUSERS.

THAT'S THE SOCK GAP.

MISS IT, AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE A NAKED MAN IN SOCKS.

NO SELF-RESPECTING WOMAN

WILL EVER LET
A NAKED MAN IN SOCKS

DO THE SQUELCHY WITH HER.

THAT'S YOUR FOREPLAY TIP?

SOCKS?

MANY MEN HAVE FALLEN THROUGH
THE SOCK GAP, PATRICK.

UNDER THE SEXUAL ARENA
OF EARTHLY DELIGHT,

THERE LURKS
A DEADLY PIT OF SOCKS.

OKAY...

FOREPLAY TIP NUMBER TWO...

WHOEVER YOU NORMALLY
FANTASIZE ABOUT DURING SEX,

START CALLING THEM "SUSAN."

WITH YOU--WITH YOU
IT'S ALWAYS, UH...

MARIELLA FROSTRUP,
RIGHT?

WELL, CALL HER
"SUSAN FROSTRUP."

THAT WAY, WHEN
YOU'RE IN BED WITH SUSAN,

YOU WON'T SHOUT THE WRONG NAME
WHEN YOU GOT YOUR EYES SHUT.

OR YOU COULD CALL HER "GOD."

YEAH, THAT'D WORK.

( gasps )

SO IS IT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY
TO THINK ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE?

Jeff: WELL, YOU KNOW,

EVERYBODY DOES.

THAT'S WHY THERE ARE
SO MANY CELEBRITY MARRIAGES.

I'M SORRY?

WELL, IF YOU FANTASIZE
ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX,

AND SO DOES YOUR PARTNER,

AND THOSE TWO PEOPLE
THAT YOU'RE FANTASIZING ABOUT

HAPPEN TO MEET
WHILE YOU'RE STILL DOING IT,

THEY'RE BOUND TO SENSE
SOMETHING, AREN'T THEY?

BECAUSE THEY'RE CONNECTING
ON LIKE AVIRTUAL PLANE.

SO CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT IT WAS LIKE WHEN

POSH FIRST MET BECKHAM?

THEY WERE THE EPICENTER
OF A NONSTOP,

NATIONWIDE VIRTUAL SHAG!

I MEAN IT'S NO WONDER
SHE GOT PREGNANT.

WHEN THE VAN COMES
FOR YOU, JEFF,
GO QUIETLY.

OKAY.

SO I JUST POPPED IN
FOR A DRINK WITH SAL

BEFORE I GET HOME
AND START COOKING.

I WASN'T EXPECTING
TO SEE YOU.

COULD I HAVE A WORD,
PLEASE?

SURE.

YOU GUYS OKAY
FOR DRINKS?

YEAH, SURE.

CAN I JUST CLARIFY

WHEN I SAY DINNER,
I MEAN DINNER.

I KNOW THAT.

ABSOLUTELY.

PLAIN ORDINARY COOKING.

WELL, I WASN'T EXPECTING
A FISH COURSE.

SO YOU CAN STOP WORRYING
ABOUT YOUR SOCKS.

I THINK THEY JUST MELTED.

A MOTOR SHOW.

YEAH. I THOUGHT
WE COULD GO TOGETHER.

YOU LIKE CARS, RIGHT?

EVERYBODY LIKES CARS.

WOULD THIS BE
A DATE?

I'M SORRY?

I'D LOVE TO GO,
PATRICK,

BUT STRICTLY
AS YOUR FRIEND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN FRIEND EXACTLY?

I WOULDN'T BE YOUR DATE.

I'D BE YOUR FRIEND.

NO, SORRY, STILL NOT WITH YOU.

OKAY. LET'S
TAKE IT SLOWLY.

WHAT DO YOU CALL PEOPLE
YOU GO OUT WITH

BUT YOU DON'T TRY
TO SLEEP WITH?

MEN.

NOW, SINCE I'M
ONLY A FRIEND DATE,

DO YOU WANT TO
TAKE THIS TICKET BACK
AND GET AN UPGRADE?

HEY, NO. WE CAN GO
AS THE FRIENDS THING.

I'M NEVER GOING
TO SLEEP WITH YOU,
PATRICK--

EVER, EVER,

EVER.

OKAY, THANKS.
SEE YOU 'ROUND.

THAT LOOKED LIKE
A DUMPINGCONVERSATION.

HOW'D IT GO?
SHE TOOK IT OKAY.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER
A NAKED MAN IN SOCKS?

I WOULD CONSIDER ANYTHING
EXCEPT ANIMALS AND TORIES.

MAYBE ANGUS DEAYTON.
WHAT?

I THINK ANGUS
COULD PULL OFF NAKED
IN SOCKS.

SUSAN, YOU'VE GOT TO
GET PAST THIS ANGUS THING.

I'M TRYING!

SO HOW'S
THE PATRICK THING GOING?

IT ISN'T.

I TOLD YOU HE
WASN'T YOUR TYPE.

I'M SURPRISED
HE WAS EVER YOURS.

WHAT DID YOU SEE IN HIM.
HE'S SO DULL!

I NEED PERSONALITY.

VERVE, HUMOR.

AT LEAST NOW I KNOW WHY
YOU CALLED HIM "DONKEY BRAIN."

ACTUALLY,
I CALLED HIM "DONKEY."

YEAH, BUT I GOT THE POINT.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

WHAT?

YOU MEAN...YOU MEAN.

SOME MEN ARE BORN LUCKY.

SOME MEN ARE BORN
VERY LUCKY.

WHAT WAS PATRICK BORN?

A TRIPOD.

YOU LET ME DUMP
A TRIPOD!

YOU BITCH!

OH, COME ON.
YOU'D HAVE DUMPED HIM
ANYWAY.

THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS
OF DUMPING, SUSAN.

THERE'S DUMPING,
PLAIN AND SIMPLE,

AND THERE'S DUMPING
AFTERWARDS!

EXCUSE ME, GIRLS.

SEEM TO HAVE
A BIT OF A BALANCE PROBLEM.

OKAY.

FOREPLAY TIP
NUMBER THREE!

PLEASE, JEFF,
NO MORE.

WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK
YOU NEED HELP HERE?

SUSAN IS NO
ORDINARY WOMAN.

I DON'T THINK I NEED THE ADVICE
OF A MAN WHO HAD A PANIC ATTACK

AT THE PROSPECT OF SEX WITH HER.

LISTEN,
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR.

WHEN YOU GET TO HER FLAT,

CHECK OUT HER REMOTE CONTROLS.

HER WHAT?

HER REMOTE CONTROLS--YOU KNOW,
FOR HER TELLY, HER VIDEO,

HER SOUND SYSTEM.

CHECK 'EM OUT.

WHY?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
SUSAN'S REMOTES?

OH! OH, YEAH!

AMAZING,
ISN'T IT?

SCARY!
SCARED ME, TOO!

I DIDN'T REALIZE A WOMAN
COULD BE THAT SHAMELESS!

SO...A MOTOR SHOW,
YOU SAY.

I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO... GO.

I DIDN'T REALIZE
IT WAS SUCH A BIG ONE.

SHE'LL BE WITH YOU
IN A MOMENT.

WHAT HAPPEN TO PERSONALITY,
VERVE AND HUMOR?

SOD THEM!

AFTER ALL THE MEN
I'VE BEEN OUT WITH,

I DESERVE A FULL-SIZE ONE.

OKAY. BUT I'M NOT
GONNA STAND HERE

AND WATCH YOU
HUMILIATE YOURSELF.

OH, AND JUST
ONE THING...
WHAT?

PATRICK IS A TORY.

WHAT?

WELL, HERE WE ALL ARE.

I THOUGHT
I'D FIND YOU ALL HERE.

HOW'S MY FAVORITE
LITTLE EX, HMM?

FINE.

IT SUCH A GOOD IDEA
STAYING FRIENDS
WITH EX'S.

TAKE IT FROM
SOMEONE WHO KNOWS.

FRIENDSHIP'S
MORE LASTING
THAN LOVE,

AND MORE LEGAL
THAN STALKING.

OH! EVERYBODY...

I WANT YOU
TO MEET HOWARD.

HI.

HI.
HELLO.
HI.

DOES ANYONE KNOW
IF THAT BIG GINGER BLOKE

IS STILL WORKING
BEHIND THE BAR HERE?

SOMETIMES.

EXCELLENT.

HE'S AN EX OF MINE.

I THINK I STILL
OWE HIM A SLAP.

I'LL GET THE DRINKS.

OH...ISN'T HE JUST PERFECT?

HE'S GORGEOUS!

TONIGHT HE'S MINE.

JANE, ISN'T HE GAY?

FASCIST!

NO! I'M JUST SAYING
HE GOES OUT WITH MEN.

NOT WOMEN, MEN.

DA-DA! I'M BISEXUAL!

HOWARD!

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO GET UNDULY EXCITED,
BUT I'M OFF TO COOK.

GREAT.

YOU CAN COME AND WATCH.

IN THAT ORDER.

GREAT.

( whispering )
Susan, Susan.

HOW TORY?

OKAY. HOW BIG?

Susan:
I THINK WE'RE
ALMOST READY.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE
OVEN TIMERS?

I DON'T THINK
I'VE GOT AN OVEN.

THERE'S A SQUARE THING
IN THE KITCHEN,

I ALWAYS USED TO
PUT BOOKS IN IT

TILL THERE WAS
A SLIGHT FIRE INCIDENT.

Susan on video:
OH, YES! YES!!!

MM! I'M SUCH
A GREAT COOK!

OH, I SEE. RIGHT.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH. JUST, UM...

OH, OF COURSE--
A MAN, A TELEVISION.

BETTER LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO?

JUST RELAX.

SHOULDN'T HAVE
GOT YOU HERE SO EARLY.

BUT IF SALLY'S GOING
TO HUMILIATE HERSELF,

I'D RATHER SHE HAD
AS SMALL AN AUDIENCE
AS POSSIBLE.

MY FAULT, REALLY.

I TOLD HER SOMETHING
ABOUT PATRICK I SHOULDN'T.

PROBABLY THE BATTERIES
HAVE RUN OUT.

YEAH, YEAH.

I'LL JUST, UM...

THEY'VE ALSO CLIMBED OUT.

OH...I'LL HAVE PUT THEM
IN SOMETHING ELSE.

I'M ALWAYS
RUNNING OUT OF BATTERIES.

NO...THESE ARE EMPTY, TOO.

OH, HANG ON!
I THINK I KNOW
WHERE THEY ENDED UP.

( loud humming noise )

THERE YOU ARE.

THANKS.

WHAT AM I THINKING?

I'VE JUST BOUGHT
SOME NEW ONES!

DA-DA!

DO YOU FIND
YOUR BATTERIES RUN OUT
REALLY QUICKLY?

WELL, I'VE NEVER
HAD ANY COMPLAINTS!

SORRY?

NOTHING.

UM, WHAT WAS IT
THAT YOU TOLD SALLY
ABOUT PATRICK

THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE?

OH, JUST THAT MY EX
IS A VERY BIG BOY, INDEED.

OH...

WHY DON'T YOU
WATCH THE TELLY.

I'M GOING TO
JUMP IN THE SHOWER.

THE THING ABOUT BLAIR, RIGHT?

THE THING ABOUT BLAIR...

IS THIS COUNTRY READY
FOR A PRESIDENT?

YEAH, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.

HE WORRIES ME, THAT MAN.

THE TORIES HAVE GOT
TO FIND A WAY

TO SAVE THE COUNTRY FROM HIM!

YES...I SEE YOUR POINT.

WHOA. YOU SAID THAT ALL TORIES

SHOULD BE DROWNED
IN THEIR OWN VOMIT.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I CAN'T SEE
THEIR POINT OF VIEW.

YOU KNOW WHAT
WE NEED NOW?

WE NEED
MAGGIE BACK.

OH, DEAR GOD!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
GOOD OL' MAGGIE?

YOU CAN'T BE
AGAINST HER,
CAN YOU?

PATRICK,
IT HAD BETTER BE
ENORMOUS!

WHAT?

THE MOTOR SHOW.

IT BETTER BE
A REALLY BIG MOTOR SHOW.

WHAT ARE YOU
SUDDENLY BRINGING UP
THE MOTOR SHOW FOR?

BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER BEEN

TO A MOTOR SHOW WITH A TORY!

SO IT HAD BETTER BE
A REALLY BIG, ENORMOUS

THROBBING MOTOR SHOW!

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

( chuckling )

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE A LOT MORE FUN
WHEN YOU'RE RELAXED.

NOT AS FUNNY,
BUT A LOT MORE FUN.

THANK YOU.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT MEN?

I MEAN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE THE CONFIDENT ONES.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE CHASING US.

IT TAKES SOME OF
THE EXCITEMENT AWAY

IF WE KEEP
HAVING TO SHOUT,
"HURRY UP!"

HANG ON.

FIRST DATES
ARE MORE STRESSFUL
FOR MEN.

FOR US,
IT'S THE UNKNOWN.

FOR US, TOO.

NO...YOU KNOW
ONE MORE THING
THAN WE DO.

WHAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW...

I DON'T.

UH...OKAY.

UM...YOU'RE ON A DATE, RIGHT?

ANY DATE...

I'M NOT SAYING THIS DATE
IN PARTICULAR.

UM, THE GUY IS WONDERING
IF HE'S GONNA GET LUCKY.

ALL NIGHT
THAT'S ALL HE'S THINKING.

TRUE.

AND THE WOMAN...

SHE ALREADY KNOWS.

ALSO TRUE.

AH, SO YOU SEE...

WE'RE DEALING
WITH THE UNKNOWN.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WAS BECAUSE

YOU WERE WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR EQUIPMENT.

MY--MY WHAT?

OH, YOU KNOW...

IF HE'S GOING TO FIRE OFF
TOO SOON OR SOMETHING.

YOU ARE...

YOU REALLY ARE UP FRONT,
AREN'T YOU?

I MEAN I, PERSONALLY,
NEVER HAD ANY WORRIES

ABOUT PREMATURE...
FIRING.

JUST ABOUT THE UNKNOWN.

EXACTLY.

STEVE?
YEAH?

YOU'RE DEFINITELY
GETTING LUCKY TONIGHT.

JUST TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF.

( stumbling )
WELL...THAT'S GREAT.

TH-THAT'S FANTASTIC.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SEE, NOW, I...

CAN...

RELAX.

GREAT.

AREN'T YOU GONNA
SWALLOW?

OH, YEAH,
I'M GETTIN' THERE.

MAGGIE THATCHER,
IN MY OPINION--

NOW, LISTEN TO THIS,
PATRICK,

THIS IS THE VOICE
OF AN OPPRESSED MINORITY.

MAGGIE THATCHER
IS THE BEST PRIME MINISTER

THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD!

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!

YOU'RE GAY!
YOU'RE ON OUR SIDE!

ACTUALLY, SALLY,
HOWARD DOESN'T
THINK OF HIMSELF AS GAY.

YES, I DO.

THERE ARE NO HOMOSEXUALS,

THERE ARE JUST PEOPLE SEXUALS.

NO, JANE.
THERE ARE DEFINITELY
HOMOSEXUALS.

HOWARD!

DO YOU WANT GAY MEN
TO BE LABELED?

YES. THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.

MUST BE A LOT EASIER
BEING GAY.

I MEAN SEX MUST BE
A PIECE OF PISS
IF YOU'RE GAY.

WHY IS THAT?

WELL, 'CAUSE,
IF YOU'RE GAY, RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE GAY,
MASTURBATION IS PRACTICE.

YOU KNOW...

YOU CAN HAVE
A GOOD OL' PRACTICE
ON YOUR OWN,

AND, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE READY,

WHEN YOU'VE GOT
THE HANG OF IT,

YOU HAVE A GO
ON SOMEONE ELSE'S.

IT'S A PIECE OF PISS.

THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT,
ACTUALLY.

NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S HOMOPHOBIC,
YOU STUPID QUEEN!

IT IS NOT
IN THE LEAST BIT
HOMOPHOBIC.

HELLO!
THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS HOMOPHOBIA!

THERE'S JUST PEOPLE PHOBIA.

SEE, IT'S DIFFERENT.

IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN
YOU'RE A STRAIGHT BLOKE.

WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUR HANDS
ON THE GEAR,

LET ME TELL YOU,
IT'S NOT A DRILL.

GAYS HAVE GOT
THEIR OWN PRACTICE KIT,

BUT YOU DON'T GET
ANY PRACTICE WOMEN.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
FLY THOSE BABIES

THE FIRST TIME
WE GET IN THEM.

( laughing )

Sally: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

"GET IN THEM" IS NOT FUNNY!

OH, DON'T BE SO P.C.!

TYPICAL LEFTY PURITAN.

TYPICAL WHAT?

COME THE REVOLUTION.

WHAT REVOLUTION?
YOU GUYS ARE IN POWER.

WE'RE THE REVOLUTION NOW.

NO. NO, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

YOU'RE
THE EVIL EMPIRE.
NO!

YES. LIKE STAR WARS,

AND PATRICK AND ME
ARE THE REBEL ALLIANCE.

( singing Star Wars theme )

NO! YOU'RE NOT THE GOODIES.
WE'RE THE GOODIES!

WE'RE LEFTIES!
WE'RE ALWAYS GOODIES!

( Darth Vader's voice )
NO, SALLY, YOU ARE
THE ESTABLISHMENT!

DON'T SAY THAT,
YOU BASTARD!

YOU CAN'T CALL ME
BASTARD ANYMORE.
THAT'S OPPRESSIVE.

OH, YOU'RE OPPRESSING ME!

ARE YOU GOING
TO THE LOO?

YEAH.
WAIT AND GO
WITH PATRICK.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO KNOW.
WHAT?

JUST WAIT
AND GO WITH PATRICK!

SO WHAT ABOUT JANE?

JANE?

YOU'RE EX.
I MEAN, SHE'S
VERY BEAUTIFUL.

HOPE I CAN MEASURE UP.

I HOPE I CAN MEASURE UP
TO YOUR EX.

PATRICK.
OH, HE'S SWEET.

IT'S ALWAYS
KIND OF DIFFICULT

MEETING YOUR PREDECESSORS,
ISN'T IT?

YEAH. I, UH,

I USED TO GO OUT
WITH THIS GIRL
YEARS AGO...

HER EX WAS
LIKE THIS BIG,
MUSCLE-BOUND GOD.

I WAS REALLY INTIMIDATED
TILL SHE TOLD ME THAT

EVERY TIME THEY WERE
IN BED TOGETHER,

AND HE WAS ON HIS WAY IN,
SO TO SPEAK,

HE USED TO GO

GERONIMO!

AFTER SHE TOLD ME THAT,
IT WASN'T REALLY A PROBLEM.

YEAH.
I REMEMBER PATRICK
DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

REALLY? WHAT?

WELL, EVERY TIME
HE WAS MAKING AN ENTRANCE,

AS IT WERE,

HE SAY, "JUST SAY WHEN."

ANYWAY...

THAT'S ENOUGH CHAT.

ABOUT EX'S.

ABOUT ANYTHING.

JANE, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO GET STRAIGHT.

NOT AT ALL.
THIS IS MUCH MORE ROMANTIC.

YEAH. UM...

YOU SEE,
I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF
A MISUNDERSTANDING HERE.

THIS IS NOT A DATE.

OH...GOD!

OH! THERE HAS BEEN
A MISUNDERSTANDING,
HOWARD!

THIS IS A DATE!

JANE, I'M GAY!

NO PROBLEM.
SO AM I.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WELL, I'M A LITTLE BIT GAY.

AND IF YOU WERE,
THAT WOULD BE
TWO PROBLEMS.

HOMOPHOBE.

NO, HOMOSEXUAL.

OH, HOWARD, I KNOW
YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL.

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU
DON'T GO OUT WITH WOMEN

JUST LIKE ANY OTHER MAN.

LOOK. LOOK OVER THERE.
TWO STRAIGHT MEN--

THEY GO OUT WITH WOMEN.

YOU DON'T EXPECT THEM
TO GO OUT WITH EACH OTHER,
DO YOU?

YES, OF COURSE, I DO,
IF IT'S CONVENIENT.

NO! NO, YOU DON'T!

I EXPECT THEY'RE ALWAYS
NIPPING OFF TOGETHER
FOR A CUDDLE.

IT'S JUST YOU
THAT'S NARROW-MINDED.

JANE, I AM GAY!

AND I'VE ALWAYS,
ALWAYS BEEN GAY.

I WAS THE SPERM
AT THE BACK, SHOUTING,

"NO, DON'T SEND ME
INTO THAT BIG, SCARY CAVE!"

I WAS THE ONLY SPERM
THAT HAD TO BE CHASED
BY THE EGG.

DON'T YOU GET IT?
I'M GAY!

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY SEEM
TO BE UNDER THAT IMPRESSION.

YOU LIKE PORTILLO?

I NEARLY CRIED
WHEN HE LOST
HIS SEAT.

THAT'S ILLEGAL!

HANG ON.

DON'T GO YET!

YOU'VE GOT TO GO
WITH PATRICK!

YOU'RE WEIRD!

YOU'RE WEIRD, YOU ARE!

Man: JEFF MURDOCH!
IS THERE A JEFF MURDOCH HERE?

YEAH.

PHONE CALL
FOR YOU.

NOW, LISTEN--
KEEP AWAY FROM ME!

HELLO?

JEFF, IT'S STEVE.

STEVE! HA HA!

HOW'S IT GOING?

GREAT. SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM
DOING WHATEVER THEY DO.

THINGS ARE GETTING
SERIOUSLY WEIRD HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU...

THAT SALLY IS
A REALLY WEIRD PERSON.

WHATEVER. LOOK, I NEED YOU
TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME.
WHAT?

WHEN PATRICK GOES TO THE LOO,
CAN YOU GO WITH HIM?

JEFF?

JEFF?

CAN I SIT HERE?

SURE,
NO PROBLEM.

IT WOULD BE NICE
TO HAVE SOMEONE
OPEN-MINDED

AT THE TABLE...

SOMEONE FLEXIBLE.

IT'S REALLY WEIRD
TONIGHT!

PEOPLE ARE BEHAVING
A LITTLE ODDLY,
I MUST SAY.

I'M GLAD SOMEONE ELSE
HAS NOTICED.

OH, LOOK, JEFF...

PATRICK'S GONE
TO THE LOO.

WHY DON'T YOU
GO WITH HIM?

HAVE A BIT
OF A CUDDLE.

I NEED YOU!

UM...

I WAS JUST...
MM-HMM.

BUT CAN IT
MOW THE LAWN?

I THINK THE NEXT MODEL UP

COMES WITH
A STRIMMER ATTACHMENT.

DO YOU REALLY?

WHAT?

I'VE GOT THIS FEELING
YOU'RE GETTING
UNRELAXED AGAIN.

NO, NO!

DON'T WORRY.
I KNOW JUST THE THING.

NOW...

LET'S GET SQUELCHY.

( Romeo & Juliet
Love Theme plays )

MARIELLA!

ANGUS!

YOU LOOK...
YOU LOOK...

SO DO YOU...

OH...

I-I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

IT'S OKAY. IT'S FINE.

I'M SO, SO, SO SORRY.

DON'T WORRY.
IT HAPPENS TO
A LOT OF GUYS.

WHY DID I SAY THAT?

* IF YOU CAN'T
MAKE YOUR MIND UP *

* WE'LL NEVER GET STARTED *

* AND I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP *

* BEING PARTED *

* BROKEN-HEARTED *

* SO IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME *

* SAY YES *

* AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME *

* PERHAP, PERHAPS, PERHAPS *