Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 2 - Full Grown Boy - full transcript

- Word.
- [ Chuckles ]

Now that Chick is all moved in,

Jules fusses over
his health so much

that I can wear whatever I want

and she won't even notice.

Oh, wow.

What are you doing?
I am not cold.

Yeah, because
I gave you a blanket.

I wasn't cold
before the blanket.

If anything, I'm hot.

Dad! Why didn't you tell me
you were hot?



[ Gasps ]
Your forehead's warm!

Does it feel
anything like this?

Holy crap!
We're both sick.

We need fluids.

Hey, babe.
How about a kiss?

Move it, dude--
emergency.

I need fluids.

Dope.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Beatboxing ]

Fresh!

_

[ Laughs ]

He is literally
counting the minutes

until Bobby gets back.



Every minute brings him
one minute closer.

Please, may I please kill him?

- No, sweetie.
Laurie: - Hey, guys.

Trav and I did it!

Obviously. You're pregnant.

No, we came up
with our perfect baby names!

One for if it's a boy,
and one if it's a girl.

You did?! Okay, tell me,
tell me, tell me!

I'm good.

We actually want
to keep the name a surprise

until the baby's born.

- Oh...
- Pbht!

I know I'm not due
for a couple weeks,

but it was a big deal for me
to have the name ready.

You know,
I wasn't officially named

until I was like 3 years old.

Before that, it was just
a series of nicknames--

Squirmy, Screamy, Tinkles,
Door Stop,

Dump Truck, Stupid,
Mama's Little Oopsie,

Lizard Lips, and then
I know 15 other ones,

and then, finally, Laurie.
So, I have long vowed

that no baby is gonna come out
of my lady-hole

without a proper name.

You know, when Travis was
a baby, he had a nickname.

It was Hungry Pup.

He could not get
enough of my boobs.

Perfect.
Grandpa, how are you?

The way that boy would cling
to your milkers,

I never saw anything like it.

And I owned a farm.

Aww.
That's cute.

Ohh-ho-ho,
he's another minute closer!

I said "No."

Ooh, a brand-new camera
for a perfect shot

of the moment I reunite
with Bobby.

I am counting on you--
[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Gasps ]
Oh! It's time!

[ Tchaikovsky's "Romeo
And Juliet" overture playing ]

[ Both groaning, music stops ]

- Ow!
- Ohh!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Oh, man.
It's good to be back.

I love playing golf,

but I don't love going halfway
around the world to play it.

We're talking about Georgia,
right?

The state right next
to this one?

It was like a different planet!

I mean, they speak English,

but it doesn't sound
like our English.

I mean, some people have a hard
time even understanding me.

Can you believe that?

Frazzle-de-der.
I do find that surprising.

Andy:
I have planned the biggest,

most super-funnest
funnest day ever.

Try to imagine all
your most favorite things

in the whole wide world

all rolled together
in the most perfect day.

Oh, it's glorious.

The beer's stacked so high,
it almost reaches the pizza!

Ooh, and look--
it's Mr. T!

[ Laughs ]

That's a strange little fantasy.

Man, I'm just excited to
hang out with my best pal.

There's nothing strange
about that.

Are you two holding hands?

It's more
of an extended handshake.

Whoa, grandpa.
Do you, uh...

Yes, I realize

that I'm wearing an exact
replica Civil War uniform

in the living room
of your mother's home

in the year 2015.

That answer your question?

All good, thanks.

Are you doing
a Civil War re-enactment?

I've always wanted to do that.
You got to let me come.

Well, I don't know,
String Bean.

This is a tough group.

And as the new guy,
you would be subject

to hazing, criticism,
even personal insults.

- Oh, then Tom's your man. Yeah.
- I think he's good.

Hey, dad.

What's with
the World War II outfit?

Oh, God. Did we have
horrible public schools.

June-bug, I'm just
visiting some friends

- to re-enact a giant battle.
- So, wait.

You expect me to be fine with
you playing war in this heat?

Sorry, dad.
You're not going.

Well, actually, I am.

Jules and Chick showdown.
Strap in.

And if I may dust off
one of your old classics--

my house, my rules.

Ow.

I'm gonna go take a nap.

I hate treating
my dad like that,

but he needs to know
who's boss.

I mean, he's tough.
But I'm tougher.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Penny clinks ]
Andy: Oh!

All: A penny can!

Triple hit!
You know what that means.

- ♪ triple sip! ♪ - ♪ triple sip! ♪
- ♪ triple sip! ♪

All: Triple sip!

Bobby: Ha!

Man, this is
the greatest day ever!

We're just getting started!

I haven't even shown you
the--

Whoo! Trampoline!
Man, awesome!

Yeah!
But not as awesome as a--

Both: Ninja fight!

Aah!

Whoo!

[ Both yelling ]

Man!
That was so cool!

See, this is why I could
never leave Gulf Haven...

No matter how much
that club offers.

What?

Yeah, that club down in Georgia

offered me a swanky job
as a golf pro.

I'm gonna go get some beers.

Guys, seriously,
I can't get down!

It's hard having
two perfect baby names

and knowing that
we only get to use one.

Spontaneous pregnant pee!

Clear a path!
Clear a path!

Hang in there, babe!

Just remember,
it will all be worth it

when we give our perfect baby
the perfect--

Her names are beyond horrible

and will destroy
our child's life.

- Help.
- Oh, please.

Hers can't be that bad.

"Fancy."

Laurie's perfect name
for a girl is Fancy.

I said that hers
couldn't be that bad.

I was wrong.

Fancy?

Please, please, dear God.

Let the middle name
be "Pants."

Fancy Pants Cobb.

Her names are beyond awful,
but Laurie's stubborn.

I have to convince her
without her realizing it.

So, you need a master
of manipulation.

You've come to the right place,
my friend.

But tell me
what her boy name is.

It can't be worse.

Tell me.

[ Sighs ]

Macho. Okay?
The boy name is Macho.

You're not laughing?

Oh, I will eventually.

I'm just so happy right now,
I feel a little emotional.

[ Bugle playing ]

When the bugle sounds again,
it will be the year 1863.

Let the re-enactment begin!

- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!

[ Bugle playing ]

[ Sputters ]

Hello, General.

Uh-oh.

Okay, there's a girl here now.

Can we make her wear the dress?

Hi.

All right.
Let's go home.

No, I'm staying here.

All right.
You want to stay?

Let's stay.

What are you doing?

I'm enlisting, General.

I'm gonna stand by your side
until we win this war

and tell the King of England
to suck it.

- Mnh-mnh.
- King of France.

- No.
- Russia.

- No...
- Ooh, Mars?

I'm sorry--
No lady soldiers.

Actually,
historical records show

that some women
were convincingly able

to dress as men
and joined the fight.

[ Gasps ]

Fine.
You're in.

But move the damn car!

I'm on it.

I usually don't go for muscles,

but that guy makes me want
to let my hair down

and get all fancy.

Fancy? You mean like...
like dressed up?

I mean, like, super slutty.

You know, fancy.

Maybe that's just
a New York term.

You think that "Fancy"
means super slutty?

Slutty, trashy,
mind-bogglingly whorish.

- [ Gasps ]
- What?

- It's just that "Fancy"...
- Meaning whorish--

...is the name we liked for a girl.

Yeah, it's our girl name.

I'm sure you can still use it.

I'm probably the only one
in town who equates "Fancy"

with... a shocking degree
of skankitude.

No, "Fancy" is dead.
You killed "Fancy."

I feel terrible, Jelly.

Does the word "Macho"

make you think of any slang?

Um, no.

Oh. Okay.

It does remind me
of a rodeo clown

who took my young, naive hand

and escorted me into womanhood.

Oh, Macho.

I made him keep his nose on.

Oh, no!

[ Blows air ]

[ Clicks tongue ]

Round of Coors?

Hey-oh!

This is the life.

Beach, beer, and buds.

[ Sighs ]

So, this golf club really wanted
you to be their new pro?

Yeah, they offered me
50,000 bucks!

Not in a big bag
like you'd think.

But, you know, I guess
they pay it bit by bit

over the course of a year.

Yeah, some companies
do it that way.

Yeah, and they offered me
a free apartment, too.

- You know, nice swanky pad
right on the course. - How swanky?

You know those toilets
that shoot water up your butt?

They had one?!
Did you try it?

I'll never be the same.

Hey, it was a good offer,

but I need to be here,
you know?

With the people that I love
and where nothing ever changes.

Well, I guess
some stuff changes.

You know, Jules is married
to G-Man, and Travis graduated,

finally won over Laurie,

and knocked her up
for good measure.

And, you know, they're
gonna be parents, too.

But I'm still the same.

You know, nothing
ever changes for me.

Man:
[ As Mr. T ] Bobby Cobb!

I knew it!
You got Mr. T!

- Welcome back, fool!
- You welcome back, fool.

- You ready to go?
- Let's go break some stuff.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Just giving my General
some air.

Ooh, and I got
this cool war paint.

It smells like coconut.

You should put some

on your ears
and your nose, right?

All right!

Wh--

On my signal, we charge.

Let's give 'em hell!

Yeah, let's give 'em hell!

And make sure
we get enough fluids!

You know, to fight better.

Soldier, your presence
here is causing me

a real pain in the ass.

Oh, wait. That's just a figure
of speech, right, dad?

You don't really have
a pain in--

Soldier,
mind your own business!

If you think I'm just gonna
back off and let you be,

then you're as dumb
as Tom looks in that dress!

Come on!
Cheap shot!

You don't want me
to take care of you?

- Well, too bad.
- That's it.

Defection!
I'm changing sides!

You can't do that!

Can he do that?

It's not in the rule book.

Charge!

[ All yelling ]

[ Bugle plays ]

Jelly, I'm so sorry I ruined
your beautiful names.

Yeah, me too.

I guess it's back to my list.
[ Sighs ]

Will you please tell me
if any of these work?

Sure. Are they
for a boy or a girl?

Yes. Okay.
Apricot. Aqua.

Boodle. Blitz.

Calico, Coleco,
Cottage, Courage.

Dobie, Doctor, Faddle, Fig.

Doctor Faddlefig?

Oh, that's actually
three names.

- Oh.
- Anything?

- Let's keep going.
- Okay.

Habit, Haha, Health, Midori,
Patella, Pea--

the vegetable,
not the verb, obviously.

- Obviously.
- Yeah.

Pico, Pinko, Pin-Wah.

Pinot?

Pinot.
Is that how you say that?

- Yeah.
- Pinot. I like it.

I like it even better.

Poi, Robo, Rockford, Shoe.

Tack, Tao, Toy.

Tug. Ugga--

Hey. I just get so mad
at the service in here,

I want to strangle my phone.

Wh-- Aah! Laurie!

I knew it!

You were behind this.

You told Ellie
to kill my baby names!

No!
Just the bad ones!

- So, all of them.
- Ugh!

Wait, Laurie.
Where are you going?

You, sir, are toast!

Ellie, please write "Toast"
on my baby-name list.

That's one
of the stronger choices.

Andy, this job is a huge
opportunity for Bobby.

You know we have
to talk about this.

Oh, you can't talk
because your mouth

is full of the gummy bears
I brought? Okay.

Well, I didn't bring
any gummy bears.

Look, I know it's best for us
if Bobby stays here forever.

But what's best for him?

Just remember,
there's no "I"... in BFF.

Today was awesome!

Right, T?

I pity the fool
who's missing this.

[ Chuckles ] Later on,
we're gonna go into town

and try to explain to kids
who Mr. T is.

[ Chuckles ]

Ooh!
Nice necklace, Ando.

BFF, Best Friends Forever.

Also, Beer Farts Flammable.

[ Laughs ]

That little tidbit
saved my life once.

Bobby, I can't help
thinking--

I have that problem sometimes.

N-no.
I'm-- I'm thinking...

it's not always good
to be comfortable,

not when it holds you back.

You know, so, maybe...

Spit it out, man!
What?

I think you should leave
and take the job.

No.
No, no, no, no, no.

Don't do sad puppy dog face!

It will kill me!

I have to go!

That's the coolest sad exit
I've ever seen.

Dad?!

Dad, stop hiding!

I want to talk to you!

Chick:
That's why I'm hiding!

Aha!
Freeze, dirtbag.

Looks like I've got a prisoner.

[ Tires screech ]

Jules!

Travis is trying
to kill my baby names!

For the love of...

[ Tires screech ]

Laurie! Laurie,
can we talk about this?

Jules, tell your son
to stop being such an ass!

Hey, mom, will you tell Laurie

that "Fancy"
is a terrible name?!

Fancy?

- Right?!
- Right?!

Trav, will you tell your mom
that I am not a child?

Trav, will you tell my dad
that he's acting like one?

Okay, there are three
new people here,

two of whom are women!

Could I please take off
the dress now?

- Shut up, Tom!
- Cram it, new guy!

- Jules--
- Not now!

Okay, dress is coming off.

- I'm out of here.
- Jules!

- Dad!
- Mom!

- Jules!
- Fine, you want my opinion?!

Fancy is the stupidest name I've
ever heard of in my entire life!

Are you happy?!

No!
My water just broke.

[ Gasps ]

[ Whimpers ]

A lot of women
can wet themselves

and then mistakenly believe
that their water's broken.

That's not the case here.
She's having a baby.

Jules:
Okay, who's got a phone?

I left mine in my car, and
it's parked over a mile away.

No phones allowed here.

- Laurie smashed mine.
- I left mine at the bar!

She's having a baby.

We have no phone.

The closest car is a mile away.

- I'm sure a solution will present itself.
- [ Horse whinnies ]

Always good to know a doctor.

Okay, Laurie.
Let's get those legs open.

[ Laurie gasps ]

Yikes.

Jules, I don't want
to have a battlefield baby.

- Please!
- [ Horse whinnies ]

You're not going to.

[ Groaning ]

Jules, are you sure
you know what you're doing?

[ Scoffs ] Please.

That didn't really
answer the question.

Okay, then.

Dad, can we put an end
to this fight for now?

Go get me a great-grandkid,
J-Bird.

Hyah!

I got...
[ Crying ]

Okay.
We need to get to a car

so we can meet them
at the hospital. Grandpa?

I'm the fastest one here.
I'll hurry back.

All-state track
three years in a row!

[ Panting ]
Hold on. Okay.

Sorry I ran off.

Are you chewing
imaginary gummy bears?

So, you really want me
to leave?

No!

The thought of you
moving aw--

[ Gags ]
I can't even say it!

Well, then, so why did you?

It would be awful for me
if you moved aw--

But it may be great for you.

Buddy, you're living
on a land boat,

stuck in a rut.

This town is holding you back.

Bobby, I hang out
with you here every day,

and we have a few beers
and some laughs, and I love it.

But you know what the best part
of my day is?

The 10 seconds from
when I pull into this lot

to when I get to your boat.

Because I think
maybe I-I'll climb up

and you won't be here.

No goodbyes, just... left.

I don't know much,
but I know that.

Is that "Good Will Hunting"?

Yeah, I wrote it on my hand.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ] I-- I want
big things for you.

And it'll be hard shaking up
your life and moving aw--

But sometimes
doing the hard thing

gets you to where
you need to be.

I just want the best for you.

♪ I stole a car last night ♪

[ Cellphones ringing ]

♪ don't know we're gonna go ♪

Ooh!

Oh!

- Come on.
- Jules, I can't.

You can.

- No!
- Oh, here she is!

It's okay.
Just the dad!

Oh, and that's my dad.

And the weird neighbor.

Probably a lot more coming.

- Baby, are you okay?
- No!

You killed Macho and Fancy!

Later, okay?
You're about to give birth.

No! No!

So help me, I will suck
this baby back up into my body

until it has a name!

[ Grunts ]

You better start
pitching ideas.

- Uh, Peaches.
- Jesse.

- That's terrible!
- Maryann.

Wait.
I got it.

[ Gasps ]
It's perfect.

[ Gasps ]

Yes.

Oh, God!
Yeah, everybody out!

This baby is gonna shoot
across the room!

Oh, my God! I got to push!
I have to push!

I have to push.
I have to push, I have to push.

Aah, aah.

You want to go hold
your grandson?

Ooh, not yet.

I want to make sure
I get all this.

♪ just follow the signs ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ they will lead us home ♪

♪ and we will drive
till these tires wear out ♪

♪ and we will write
all our memories down ♪

♪ we will cry till
this fire is drowned ♪

Bobby... meet Bobby.

♪ but, darling,
I, I will keep you warm ♪

Shh.

♪ oh, darling,
I, I will keep you warm ♪

Whoa. Mind blown.

♪ darling,
I, I will take you home ♪

Hey, Bobby.
You here?

Bobby?

You did it.

You beautiful son of a bitch,
you did it. Ha!

Did what?

Bobby!
I thought you were gone.

Nah. I just wanted you to have
a "Good Will Hunting" moment.

He leaves tomorrow.

And I'm coming to see him
every other weekend.

- Like a divorced dad.
- Well, hop on.

The gang's getting together
at the bar

for a little send-off.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

[ Chuckles ]

That's my hand you're holding.

Oh, sorry.
That's better.