Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 13 - Mary Jane's Last Dance - full transcript
Grayson tries to prevent Jules from running her birthday; everyone experiences major life changes.
We love the place.
I-I think we're ready
to buy,
unless there's anything else
we need to know.
Well, the house is zoned
to add another half-bath,
and, oh, the last owner
murdered his family here.
I mean, not all of them
in the house.
The wife made it to the street.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, sorry.
Why do you
keep discouraging people
from buying my old house?
The guy said
he was eight years sober.
More like
eight years snore-ber.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Chuckling ] Right?
Oh, and look at her.
She always has that expression.
She's got resting bitch face.
Huh.
See, here's the deal--
the Cul-de-Sac
is basically Jules Island,
and I've always been
very careful about
who's allowed
to live on the island.
Hey, there, neighbors!
He was here when I got here.
[ Clears throat loudly ]
Uh, you mind if I use your mug?
No, because it's your mug now.
Thanks, Pony Boy.
He's calling me pony boy
because he sleep-walked
into our bedroom last night
and tried to mount me.
It was adorable.
Wow, you finally had
a threesome
with Grayson
and a family member.
I always thought
it would be Travis.
Me too.
I love having family around.
[ Gasps ] You know
what would be amazing?
- Besides your dad not sleeping nude?
- [ Clicks tongue ]
If Travis and Laurie
bought your old house.
Shut your mouth.
Deep down,
you know you'd like it.
Imaginary knife.
Ckk! Pbht!
- Bleh!
- Ooh! Ahh...
- Ooh!
- [ Weakly ] Thank you.
- [ Thud ]
- [ Weakly ] You're welcome.
Are you guys done?
Jules, there are enough people
hanging out
in this house already.
We don't need anyone else
in our house.
"Our house"?
Come on, Dime Eyes.
You know that this house
really belongs to Jules and me.
You're just our guest.
Are you listening to her?
You have your own key.
That's got to count
for something.
_
All right, I think we all know
what's happening tomorrow.
Tomorrow's Thursday, so Jules
bleaches her cute little 'stache,
Ellie gives Stan his weekly hug,
and Travis says
he's going to the gym
but actually goes
to the doughnut shop.
- Muscles are for losers.
- How would you know?
Tom, do you have everyone's
daily schedule memorized?
You're gonna kill us all
someday, aren't you?
I don't know.
What I was going to say
is that tomorrow night
at 11:48 PM
is Jules' birthday.
Together: Yay!
As usual,
I assume you are going to do
everything in your power
to ruin it.
Well, I'll try not to,
but it's probably gonna happen.
That's exactly how I feel
about killing you all.
While I know
that your expectations
are so high that no human being
could possibly meet them,
this year, you are going to have
an amazing birthday.
I will defeat you.
Can't be done.
I'm way too strong
when it comes
to sabotaging my own happiness.
Everything you do
will fall short
to what I've built up
in my head.
Well, maybe it would be easier
if you didn't ask for presents
that were impossible to get.
I've seen a baby tiger.
I know they exist.
They do.
I tried to steal you one
at a circus last year
and ended up in circus prison.
You know those
little, red train cars
with the bars like in "Dumbo"?
That's what they use
for their jails.
And FYI,
if an animal misbehaves,
it gets thrown
in the same cell.
There was this
adorable little monkey--
apparently he went nuts
under the big top
and started running around
and ripping the earrings
off of women, you know,
lobes and all.
But he ended up
actually being, like,
a pretty solid little dude.
He's how I got out of there.
I've always wanted to ask this
after one
of your ridiculous stories.
Is any of that true?
You'd have to read it back
to me.
So, what's this year's
insane gift request?
You know, I always thought
it would be fun
to die and get to see
your own funeral.
Wouldn't it be awesome
to be able to hear
what people had to say
about you?
You know, to see who
was crying and who wasn't?
Ooh, I wonder if my
first boyfriend would show up.
I hope he's fat.
Yeah, I don't think
they sell that at Target.
Oh, hey, honey.
No, we're having
girl coffee time,
so why don't you
take Baby Bobby
and just stroll him
around the plaza for a bit?
- 'Kay, babe?
- Yeah, babe.
Why don't you go be
Jellybean's bitch
and walk your baby around
in a circle?
Oh, well, now I'm gonna stay.
I'll just be one of the gals.
All right, let me tell you
what's going on with my vagina.
- Catch you later.
- What--
Well played.
Imaginary hat.
Imaginary confetti.
- Whoo!
- Yay!
What are we doing?
I'm not explaining that
to you again.
I'm having an annoying problem
on the home front.
Oh, well, just let Andy do it
once and he'll stop asking.
- What? - What?
- What?
I'm talking about Stan.
The elementary school
in Gulfhaven is terrible.
No, it's not.
I went there.
I got straight O's.
They only give two grades--
"Okay" and "Not Okay."
Do we think a good education
really matters for kids?
Yeah, people are split on that.
Plus, Stan's science teacher
got her degree
from beauty school.
Oh, Mrs. Ortiz!
I love her.
She taught me how
to cornrow my hair.
And I taught her English.
Can you help me out?
I can't reach this spot.
Fine.
But let's not make it weird.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, deep and hard.
That's it.
I win!
I thought of the most
perfect gift for Jules.
Name the one thing
that anyone would kill for.
A machine that will wipe out my
memory of the last 10 seconds?
- You loved it.
- To Jules, I give...
the gift of Bobby.
Beer me, A-train!
Ahhh.
Man, how great is this?
I got no pants on,
and I'm hanging out
with the fellas.
That's right.
No one can top my gift.
Your gift?
This is my gift.
No, no,
the gift of Bobby's from me.
Well, the gift of me is me.
Dumbest fight ever.
Bobby, how are you gonna give
yourself to Jules if I do this?
Bobby: Why is it so dark
in here?
Come on, man.
This is scary.
- Then say it.
- Fine.
The gift of me is from you.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Hey.
Trav and Laurie are doing
a Winebulance event
at the end of the plaza.
Can I get a glass of wine
for the walk?
It's only like 50 feet away.
Oh, right.
Give me two.
I got you the most amazing gift
for your birthday.
I present you... this.
Happy birthday, J-Bird!
Aww, that's awesome.
Your husband's
an awesome back scratcher.
Ask me how I know that.
Okay.
Wow, the Winebulance
is crushing it.
What's the event?
The Gulfhaven Scooter Club.
- Thanks.
- Seems safe.
We didn't judge when we hosted
that five-mile open-ocean
"Swim And Drink Wine" race,
and we're not judging here.
Is everyone
from that ocean race okay?
Let's just say that they
eventually found everyone.
- [ Gasps ]
- Are you all right?
- I-I can't catch my breath.
- Here, drink this.
Babe, that's how things went bad
at the ocean race.
What's going on?
Stan can go
to the elementary school
in the next town over.
Oh, well, that's great.
But we have to move.
[ Gasps ]
That's why I carry two glasses.
It has three bedrooms, um,
it's in a great neighborhood,
and I don't know why
you have to move so quickly.
It's my birthday.
For Stan to go to the
elementary school in this town,
we need an address
by the first of the month,
- and that's tomorrow.
- Oh, I hate this so much.
And with that jacuzzi
in the master,
we can finally take
a bath together again.
- Did you say "Again"?
- What?
Bobby: - What?
- What?
I just can't believe
you're moving.
I don't see
what the big deal is.
We're only moving
10 minutes away.
You said eight!
I don't know
how I'm gonna live my life
not knowing that you're there
whenever I need you.
I know, sweetie.
Andy and I live
in different states,
but we find a way to see
each other's wiener every day.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
Bobby and I will be in the car.
Oh, hey, Jules,
I know you and Ellie
are the best of friends,
but you've always taken time
to make me feel special.
Thank you for that.
This house could be ours.
We could finally do it.
We could start
our new lives together
and live here as a couple.
We could get matching robes
that say "Hers" and "Hers."
I could finally wear
all those vests that I love.
You'd probably miss your
stupid husband, though, right?
Yeah, I would.
You'd miss yours, too, right?
[ Sighs ] I would.
Don't tell anyone.
[ Chuckles ]
Aww.
I still like resting my head
on your boobs.
I know, sweetie.
Mwah!
Oh, I just really needed
a baby fix.
You know,
Ellie leaving kicks ass,
but sometimes you just got
to eat the sword
and slap out of it, you know?
Totes. Hey, you know
what might cheer her up?
Tell her.
At the wine event,
we met this old, rich guy
who happens to think delivering
wine to people in a winebulance
is a great business idea.
He wants to meet with us.
Usually when old, rich guys
offer me money,
I end up in a harem,
but this just feels different.
I mean, first of all,
he doesn't want either one of us
to be in our bathing suits,
so... hm.
Travis, I am so proud of you.
Be nowhere without you.
I mean...
you've always believed
and supported me
in all these things.
It's... You're the best mom
I could ask for.
That is so sweet.
Do you want Laurie to leave
so you can bring
that thought home
and tell me I'm the most
important woman in your life?
Please don't make me.
The love between you and Trav
is truly beautiful.
I really feel like
he's my soul mate.
I'm just dropping by
to let you know
that, uh,
my girlfriend, Mary, thinks
I should stop hanging around
outside your window.
Something about
missing our anniversary
to watch you drink coffee.
But that was
such a fun morning.
Wasn't it?
You know, I never had
a friend like you before.
You've always made me
feel included.
I'm so grateful for that.
I, uh--
I brought your robe back.
Why do you have my robe?
Must have got mixed in
with my mail.
Why do we have to get dressed up
for your damn birthday party?
I'm out.
Dad, the ladies
are gonna be all over you.
Okay, I'm in,
but we have to stop for condoms.
- What? - What?
- What?
FYI, Junebug,
my cousin Pootie
is passing through town,
and after the party,
I'm gonna hitch a ride
with Poots
to his place down in The Keys.
I'm gonna spend
a few weeks down there
while my health is still good.
But, dad, you live here.
Oh, sweetheart.
You're such a great daughter.
You take such good care of me.
Not a day goes by
that I don't wish
your mother was here
so she could see what
a wonderful woman you've become.
[ Sighs ]
- Are you freaking out, too?
Grayson: - Yeah.
I can't believe
I married someone
with a family member
named Pootie.
That's not why
I'm freaking out.
I-I just feel like everyone
is abandoning me.
Ellie, Andy, Tom, and now dad?
Why are you smiling?
Jules,
you know how I love having
all your friends and family
at our house all the time.
- No, you don't.
- I know.
I'm just softening you up
before I make my point.
We do live on an island,
but we have different opinions
on what that island should be.
You see, on Grayson Island,
we walk around all day nude,
just drinking water
from coconuts
because it's just us.
There's a dock on Grayson Island
so people can come visit,
but when nighttime comes,
they have to get back
on their boat and go.
Coconut water
gives me fruit farts.
That's an important point.
But you see,
the problem with Jules Island
is that there is no dock,
so everyone you know
is crammed on the island
all the time,
and they can't get off, ever.
That's why Grayson Island
is the best of both worlds.
You can still see
all the people you care about,
and we can also have more time
for us.
It'll be great.
I promise.
Well, can I be the queen
of Grayson Island?
Can I order you around
like my naked little bitch?
At your service.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Dance music plays ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Laurie: - Oh, yeah, oh!
- [ Penny rattles ]
Trendy nightclub...
penny can!
Whoo!
Man, this party's
the bee's boobs.
Is this some sort
of virtual hillbilly app?
Her-dee-der-der!
Guys, so far,
this birthday rocks!
I get to spend time
with all the people
that I care about most...
and Mary.
I'm ready
to open some presents.
Where you hiding them?
The reason no one can ruin
your birthday gift this year
is...
this.
Ta-da!
You bought me a nightclub?
No, this, us,
tonight... is your gift.
So no presents?
I got weed.
- What? - What?
- What?
- What? - What?
- What?
- What? - What?
- What?
Jules, hear me out, okay?
We start your party
drinking here,
where you have the power
to make any one of us dance
with anyone else
in the style of your choosing.
Travis slow dances with me.
- Saw that coming.
- Mm-hmm.
Then it's off to the beach
for a bonfire,
where, one by one,
we each tell you
our biggest personal problem,
and then we have to listen
while you tell us how to fix it.
Well, that is the best gift
for me. And you!
4:00 AM, we all go
to a diner for pancakes,
where we all give toasts
to you.
Grayson had us type out
our toasts beforehand
in case you need
to rewrite them.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Who wants a drink?
- Me. - I do!
- Me!
Why aren't Jelly
and Tank Head drinking?
[ Gasps ] You're not
pregnant again, are you?
No.
I mean, honestly, maybe.
I don't know. Who knows?
We have been hitting it
pretty hard lately.
- [ All shudder ]
- So, what's going on?
Just that-- that rich,
old investor
that wanted to meet with Trav
about the winebulance,
he wants to franchise it.
[ Chuckles lightly ]
And he's in South Carolina.
He wants us to relocate there.
[ Squeals ]
There's actually, uh, an investor
meeting tomorrow morning,
so we're gonna have
to leave tonight.
- Get me Big Chuck, please.
- No.
- Yes.
- Okay.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
- Uh...
- Chuck is dead.
This party is over.
[ Voice breaking ]
I want to go home.
- They're taking the chair.
- I know you're sad,
but do you have to be sad
about each item.
They're taking the other chair.
I thought we'd still be
at your birthday.
Who moves at night?
This is insane.
Sweetie, we're moving,
but I'm never gonna be
out of your life.
Before I met you,
I was so closed-off,
and you got me to open up
and care about other people.
I will always hate you
for that.
But I'll always love you
for it.
You're my best friend.
This is too much.
I can't do this right now.
Oh.
Bobby: Hey, J-Bird.
I told Ando here to make me
look like a human being.
Look, Jules,
I just want to say one thing.
Even though
we're not together anymore,
you still were the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.
You made me a better man.
Oh, Jules, your house is moving!
Get out of there!
What the hell is happening?
Does everyone have to leave
this second?!
All packed up.
Gonna head out.
Quick goodbye hug?
Grayson: I'll turn away
so you can be inappropriate
with your son.
You're a nerd.
Well...
Find a science-y way for me
to live in your blood.
God!
There you go.
All done.
Mom.
Okay, you know what?
Let's just walk out like this.
Oh, don't leave me.
We'll call you
when we get there.
Stay here with me.
- Laurie is not good enough for you.
- What?
- What?
- What?
Just, please, I want someone
to stay with me.
Laurie, don't go.
Oh.
[ Sniffles ]
You know,
you were the first person
who ever believed in me.
You showed me that I was more
than just a hot piece
of townie tail
with legs that won't quit
and an ass that's like ba-pow
and a face that says,
"You know you want to."
[ Chuckles ]
You changed my life, Jules.
And I love you so much.
I love you, too, Laurie.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, bye.
[ Smooches ]
[ Vehicle doors close,
engine turns over ]
Why is everyone leaving me?
I would never leave you.
I mean, I'm leaving right now.
I'm gonna go to work.
It's my birthday.
I figured this night
was so shot to hell,
might as well
go make us some money.
This is the worst birthday
of my life.
My heart is broken.
And I'm sorry, okay?
I don't want to live
on Grayson Island.
I mean, I want you.
I do. I love you.
I want you forever.
But you know me.
I have way too much love
to give.
You couldn't handle
all that love.
- That's stupid.
- Really?
All the love
that I give everyone
directed at you 24/7.
Yeah, that would not be good.
Grayson,
the most important thing to me
in my life
are the people in it.
It's everything to me.
And now they're gone.
Yeah, you know,
I actually miss them, too.
You know,
I spent my entire life
building these walls
around myself,
but then my wife, Jules,
she broke those walls down.
I love Jules so much.
My life didn't really start
until after I met her.
Why are you talking about me
like I'm dead?
Well, isn't that what you wanted
as a birthday present?
To go to your own funeral
and hear
all the amazing things
people had to say about you?
Well, you've always taken
the time
to make me feel special.
I don't know, you're just...
you're the best mom
I could ever ask for.
You always made me
feel included.
Oh, sweetheart,
you're such a great daughter.
You made me a better man.
You changed my life, Jules.
You're my best friend.
I don't understand.
And what's this about
worst birthday ever?
I mean, your birthday
doesn't officially start
until 11:48 PM, which
it happens to be right now.
Hey, Tom, hit it.
♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
♪ who-o-o-o-a ♪
♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
♪ who-o-o-o-a ♪
You didn't leave?
There's nothing wrong
with Stan's school.
She'd never let me move.
Who's gonna invest
in a broken-down ambulance
that serves wine?
Hey.
Oh, come on, babe,
you know it's true.
Junebug, we don't have
a cousin named Pootie.
[ Laughing ]
No one does.
So, you just stripped me
of everything,
just so you would have
the excuse
to tell me
how you feel about me?!
Happy birthday, Jules.
[ Crying ]
This is the best present!
- ♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
- Oh! Oh, and one more thing.
Your dad and I lent
Trav and Laurie enough money
to put a down payment
on a house.
They move in next week.
Right there.
[ Chuckles ]
Yay.
Welcome to the island!
♪ live forever ♪
- This is the best birthday ever!
- ♪ ever after ♪
♪ this is... ♪
You know, all of us here
drinking wine,
I'm having
the weirdest déjà view.
Oh, it's déjà vu.
- It's French.
- It's stupid.
If you feel like
you've seen something before,
it should be déjà view.
- Here it comes.
- Change approved.
[ Laughter ]
Do you guys ever wonder
if this is what
we'll be doing
for the rest of our lives?
I mean, we're all adults,
so the odds are, not that much
is gonna change.
We're gonna probably do this
for the rest of our years,
just drinking wine
and hanging out, doing nothing.
We are so lucky.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
♪ oooooooh ♪
I-I think we're ready
to buy,
unless there's anything else
we need to know.
Well, the house is zoned
to add another half-bath,
and, oh, the last owner
murdered his family here.
I mean, not all of them
in the house.
The wife made it to the street.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, sorry.
Why do you
keep discouraging people
from buying my old house?
The guy said
he was eight years sober.
More like
eight years snore-ber.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Chuckling ] Right?
Oh, and look at her.
She always has that expression.
She's got resting bitch face.
Huh.
See, here's the deal--
the Cul-de-Sac
is basically Jules Island,
and I've always been
very careful about
who's allowed
to live on the island.
Hey, there, neighbors!
He was here when I got here.
[ Clears throat loudly ]
Uh, you mind if I use your mug?
No, because it's your mug now.
Thanks, Pony Boy.
He's calling me pony boy
because he sleep-walked
into our bedroom last night
and tried to mount me.
It was adorable.
Wow, you finally had
a threesome
with Grayson
and a family member.
I always thought
it would be Travis.
Me too.
I love having family around.
[ Gasps ] You know
what would be amazing?
- Besides your dad not sleeping nude?
- [ Clicks tongue ]
If Travis and Laurie
bought your old house.
Shut your mouth.
Deep down,
you know you'd like it.
Imaginary knife.
Ckk! Pbht!
- Bleh!
- Ooh! Ahh...
- Ooh!
- [ Weakly ] Thank you.
- [ Thud ]
- [ Weakly ] You're welcome.
Are you guys done?
Jules, there are enough people
hanging out
in this house already.
We don't need anyone else
in our house.
"Our house"?
Come on, Dime Eyes.
You know that this house
really belongs to Jules and me.
You're just our guest.
Are you listening to her?
You have your own key.
That's got to count
for something.
_
All right, I think we all know
what's happening tomorrow.
Tomorrow's Thursday, so Jules
bleaches her cute little 'stache,
Ellie gives Stan his weekly hug,
and Travis says
he's going to the gym
but actually goes
to the doughnut shop.
- Muscles are for losers.
- How would you know?
Tom, do you have everyone's
daily schedule memorized?
You're gonna kill us all
someday, aren't you?
I don't know.
What I was going to say
is that tomorrow night
at 11:48 PM
is Jules' birthday.
Together: Yay!
As usual,
I assume you are going to do
everything in your power
to ruin it.
Well, I'll try not to,
but it's probably gonna happen.
That's exactly how I feel
about killing you all.
While I know
that your expectations
are so high that no human being
could possibly meet them,
this year, you are going to have
an amazing birthday.
I will defeat you.
Can't be done.
I'm way too strong
when it comes
to sabotaging my own happiness.
Everything you do
will fall short
to what I've built up
in my head.
Well, maybe it would be easier
if you didn't ask for presents
that were impossible to get.
I've seen a baby tiger.
I know they exist.
They do.
I tried to steal you one
at a circus last year
and ended up in circus prison.
You know those
little, red train cars
with the bars like in "Dumbo"?
That's what they use
for their jails.
And FYI,
if an animal misbehaves,
it gets thrown
in the same cell.
There was this
adorable little monkey--
apparently he went nuts
under the big top
and started running around
and ripping the earrings
off of women, you know,
lobes and all.
But he ended up
actually being, like,
a pretty solid little dude.
He's how I got out of there.
I've always wanted to ask this
after one
of your ridiculous stories.
Is any of that true?
You'd have to read it back
to me.
So, what's this year's
insane gift request?
You know, I always thought
it would be fun
to die and get to see
your own funeral.
Wouldn't it be awesome
to be able to hear
what people had to say
about you?
You know, to see who
was crying and who wasn't?
Ooh, I wonder if my
first boyfriend would show up.
I hope he's fat.
Yeah, I don't think
they sell that at Target.
Oh, hey, honey.
No, we're having
girl coffee time,
so why don't you
take Baby Bobby
and just stroll him
around the plaza for a bit?
- 'Kay, babe?
- Yeah, babe.
Why don't you go be
Jellybean's bitch
and walk your baby around
in a circle?
Oh, well, now I'm gonna stay.
I'll just be one of the gals.
All right, let me tell you
what's going on with my vagina.
- Catch you later.
- What--
Well played.
Imaginary hat.
Imaginary confetti.
- Whoo!
- Yay!
What are we doing?
I'm not explaining that
to you again.
I'm having an annoying problem
on the home front.
Oh, well, just let Andy do it
once and he'll stop asking.
- What? - What?
- What?
I'm talking about Stan.
The elementary school
in Gulfhaven is terrible.
No, it's not.
I went there.
I got straight O's.
They only give two grades--
"Okay" and "Not Okay."
Do we think a good education
really matters for kids?
Yeah, people are split on that.
Plus, Stan's science teacher
got her degree
from beauty school.
Oh, Mrs. Ortiz!
I love her.
She taught me how
to cornrow my hair.
And I taught her English.
Can you help me out?
I can't reach this spot.
Fine.
But let's not make it weird.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, deep and hard.
That's it.
I win!
I thought of the most
perfect gift for Jules.
Name the one thing
that anyone would kill for.
A machine that will wipe out my
memory of the last 10 seconds?
- You loved it.
- To Jules, I give...
the gift of Bobby.
Beer me, A-train!
Ahhh.
Man, how great is this?
I got no pants on,
and I'm hanging out
with the fellas.
That's right.
No one can top my gift.
Your gift?
This is my gift.
No, no,
the gift of Bobby's from me.
Well, the gift of me is me.
Dumbest fight ever.
Bobby, how are you gonna give
yourself to Jules if I do this?
Bobby: Why is it so dark
in here?
Come on, man.
This is scary.
- Then say it.
- Fine.
The gift of me is from you.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Hey.
Trav and Laurie are doing
a Winebulance event
at the end of the plaza.
Can I get a glass of wine
for the walk?
It's only like 50 feet away.
Oh, right.
Give me two.
I got you the most amazing gift
for your birthday.
I present you... this.
Happy birthday, J-Bird!
Aww, that's awesome.
Your husband's
an awesome back scratcher.
Ask me how I know that.
Okay.
Wow, the Winebulance
is crushing it.
What's the event?
The Gulfhaven Scooter Club.
- Thanks.
- Seems safe.
We didn't judge when we hosted
that five-mile open-ocean
"Swim And Drink Wine" race,
and we're not judging here.
Is everyone
from that ocean race okay?
Let's just say that they
eventually found everyone.
- [ Gasps ]
- Are you all right?
- I-I can't catch my breath.
- Here, drink this.
Babe, that's how things went bad
at the ocean race.
What's going on?
Stan can go
to the elementary school
in the next town over.
Oh, well, that's great.
But we have to move.
[ Gasps ]
That's why I carry two glasses.
It has three bedrooms, um,
it's in a great neighborhood,
and I don't know why
you have to move so quickly.
It's my birthday.
For Stan to go to the
elementary school in this town,
we need an address
by the first of the month,
- and that's tomorrow.
- Oh, I hate this so much.
And with that jacuzzi
in the master,
we can finally take
a bath together again.
- Did you say "Again"?
- What?
Bobby: - What?
- What?
I just can't believe
you're moving.
I don't see
what the big deal is.
We're only moving
10 minutes away.
You said eight!
I don't know
how I'm gonna live my life
not knowing that you're there
whenever I need you.
I know, sweetie.
Andy and I live
in different states,
but we find a way to see
each other's wiener every day.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
Bobby and I will be in the car.
Oh, hey, Jules,
I know you and Ellie
are the best of friends,
but you've always taken time
to make me feel special.
Thank you for that.
This house could be ours.
We could finally do it.
We could start
our new lives together
and live here as a couple.
We could get matching robes
that say "Hers" and "Hers."
I could finally wear
all those vests that I love.
You'd probably miss your
stupid husband, though, right?
Yeah, I would.
You'd miss yours, too, right?
[ Sighs ] I would.
Don't tell anyone.
[ Chuckles ]
Aww.
I still like resting my head
on your boobs.
I know, sweetie.
Mwah!
Oh, I just really needed
a baby fix.
You know,
Ellie leaving kicks ass,
but sometimes you just got
to eat the sword
and slap out of it, you know?
Totes. Hey, you know
what might cheer her up?
Tell her.
At the wine event,
we met this old, rich guy
who happens to think delivering
wine to people in a winebulance
is a great business idea.
He wants to meet with us.
Usually when old, rich guys
offer me money,
I end up in a harem,
but this just feels different.
I mean, first of all,
he doesn't want either one of us
to be in our bathing suits,
so... hm.
Travis, I am so proud of you.
Be nowhere without you.
I mean...
you've always believed
and supported me
in all these things.
It's... You're the best mom
I could ask for.
That is so sweet.
Do you want Laurie to leave
so you can bring
that thought home
and tell me I'm the most
important woman in your life?
Please don't make me.
The love between you and Trav
is truly beautiful.
I really feel like
he's my soul mate.
I'm just dropping by
to let you know
that, uh,
my girlfriend, Mary, thinks
I should stop hanging around
outside your window.
Something about
missing our anniversary
to watch you drink coffee.
But that was
such a fun morning.
Wasn't it?
You know, I never had
a friend like you before.
You've always made me
feel included.
I'm so grateful for that.
I, uh--
I brought your robe back.
Why do you have my robe?
Must have got mixed in
with my mail.
Why do we have to get dressed up
for your damn birthday party?
I'm out.
Dad, the ladies
are gonna be all over you.
Okay, I'm in,
but we have to stop for condoms.
- What? - What?
- What?
FYI, Junebug,
my cousin Pootie
is passing through town,
and after the party,
I'm gonna hitch a ride
with Poots
to his place down in The Keys.
I'm gonna spend
a few weeks down there
while my health is still good.
But, dad, you live here.
Oh, sweetheart.
You're such a great daughter.
You take such good care of me.
Not a day goes by
that I don't wish
your mother was here
so she could see what
a wonderful woman you've become.
[ Sighs ]
- Are you freaking out, too?
Grayson: - Yeah.
I can't believe
I married someone
with a family member
named Pootie.
That's not why
I'm freaking out.
I-I just feel like everyone
is abandoning me.
Ellie, Andy, Tom, and now dad?
Why are you smiling?
Jules,
you know how I love having
all your friends and family
at our house all the time.
- No, you don't.
- I know.
I'm just softening you up
before I make my point.
We do live on an island,
but we have different opinions
on what that island should be.
You see, on Grayson Island,
we walk around all day nude,
just drinking water
from coconuts
because it's just us.
There's a dock on Grayson Island
so people can come visit,
but when nighttime comes,
they have to get back
on their boat and go.
Coconut water
gives me fruit farts.
That's an important point.
But you see,
the problem with Jules Island
is that there is no dock,
so everyone you know
is crammed on the island
all the time,
and they can't get off, ever.
That's why Grayson Island
is the best of both worlds.
You can still see
all the people you care about,
and we can also have more time
for us.
It'll be great.
I promise.
Well, can I be the queen
of Grayson Island?
Can I order you around
like my naked little bitch?
At your service.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Dance music plays ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Laurie: - Oh, yeah, oh!
- [ Penny rattles ]
Trendy nightclub...
penny can!
Whoo!
Man, this party's
the bee's boobs.
Is this some sort
of virtual hillbilly app?
Her-dee-der-der!
Guys, so far,
this birthday rocks!
I get to spend time
with all the people
that I care about most...
and Mary.
I'm ready
to open some presents.
Where you hiding them?
The reason no one can ruin
your birthday gift this year
is...
this.
Ta-da!
You bought me a nightclub?
No, this, us,
tonight... is your gift.
So no presents?
I got weed.
- What? - What?
- What?
- What? - What?
- What?
- What? - What?
- What?
Jules, hear me out, okay?
We start your party
drinking here,
where you have the power
to make any one of us dance
with anyone else
in the style of your choosing.
Travis slow dances with me.
- Saw that coming.
- Mm-hmm.
Then it's off to the beach
for a bonfire,
where, one by one,
we each tell you
our biggest personal problem,
and then we have to listen
while you tell us how to fix it.
Well, that is the best gift
for me. And you!
4:00 AM, we all go
to a diner for pancakes,
where we all give toasts
to you.
Grayson had us type out
our toasts beforehand
in case you need
to rewrite them.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Who wants a drink?
- Me. - I do!
- Me!
Why aren't Jelly
and Tank Head drinking?
[ Gasps ] You're not
pregnant again, are you?
No.
I mean, honestly, maybe.
I don't know. Who knows?
We have been hitting it
pretty hard lately.
- [ All shudder ]
- So, what's going on?
Just that-- that rich,
old investor
that wanted to meet with Trav
about the winebulance,
he wants to franchise it.
[ Chuckles lightly ]
And he's in South Carolina.
He wants us to relocate there.
[ Squeals ]
There's actually, uh, an investor
meeting tomorrow morning,
so we're gonna have
to leave tonight.
- Get me Big Chuck, please.
- No.
- Yes.
- Okay.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
- Uh...
- Chuck is dead.
This party is over.
[ Voice breaking ]
I want to go home.
- They're taking the chair.
- I know you're sad,
but do you have to be sad
about each item.
They're taking the other chair.
I thought we'd still be
at your birthday.
Who moves at night?
This is insane.
Sweetie, we're moving,
but I'm never gonna be
out of your life.
Before I met you,
I was so closed-off,
and you got me to open up
and care about other people.
I will always hate you
for that.
But I'll always love you
for it.
You're my best friend.
This is too much.
I can't do this right now.
Oh.
Bobby: Hey, J-Bird.
I told Ando here to make me
look like a human being.
Look, Jules,
I just want to say one thing.
Even though
we're not together anymore,
you still were the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.
You made me a better man.
Oh, Jules, your house is moving!
Get out of there!
What the hell is happening?
Does everyone have to leave
this second?!
All packed up.
Gonna head out.
Quick goodbye hug?
Grayson: I'll turn away
so you can be inappropriate
with your son.
You're a nerd.
Well...
Find a science-y way for me
to live in your blood.
God!
There you go.
All done.
Mom.
Okay, you know what?
Let's just walk out like this.
Oh, don't leave me.
We'll call you
when we get there.
Stay here with me.
- Laurie is not good enough for you.
- What?
- What?
- What?
Just, please, I want someone
to stay with me.
Laurie, don't go.
Oh.
[ Sniffles ]
You know,
you were the first person
who ever believed in me.
You showed me that I was more
than just a hot piece
of townie tail
with legs that won't quit
and an ass that's like ba-pow
and a face that says,
"You know you want to."
[ Chuckles ]
You changed my life, Jules.
And I love you so much.
I love you, too, Laurie.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, bye.
[ Smooches ]
[ Vehicle doors close,
engine turns over ]
Why is everyone leaving me?
I would never leave you.
I mean, I'm leaving right now.
I'm gonna go to work.
It's my birthday.
I figured this night
was so shot to hell,
might as well
go make us some money.
This is the worst birthday
of my life.
My heart is broken.
And I'm sorry, okay?
I don't want to live
on Grayson Island.
I mean, I want you.
I do. I love you.
I want you forever.
But you know me.
I have way too much love
to give.
You couldn't handle
all that love.
- That's stupid.
- Really?
All the love
that I give everyone
directed at you 24/7.
Yeah, that would not be good.
Grayson,
the most important thing to me
in my life
are the people in it.
It's everything to me.
And now they're gone.
Yeah, you know,
I actually miss them, too.
You know,
I spent my entire life
building these walls
around myself,
but then my wife, Jules,
she broke those walls down.
I love Jules so much.
My life didn't really start
until after I met her.
Why are you talking about me
like I'm dead?
Well, isn't that what you wanted
as a birthday present?
To go to your own funeral
and hear
all the amazing things
people had to say about you?
Well, you've always taken
the time
to make me feel special.
I don't know, you're just...
you're the best mom
I could ever ask for.
You always made me
feel included.
Oh, sweetheart,
you're such a great daughter.
You made me a better man.
You changed my life, Jules.
You're my best friend.
I don't understand.
And what's this about
worst birthday ever?
I mean, your birthday
doesn't officially start
until 11:48 PM, which
it happens to be right now.
Hey, Tom, hit it.
♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
♪ who-o-o-o-a ♪
♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
♪ who-o-o-o-a ♪
You didn't leave?
There's nothing wrong
with Stan's school.
She'd never let me move.
Who's gonna invest
in a broken-down ambulance
that serves wine?
Hey.
Oh, come on, babe,
you know it's true.
Junebug, we don't have
a cousin named Pootie.
[ Laughing ]
No one does.
So, you just stripped me
of everything,
just so you would have
the excuse
to tell me
how you feel about me?!
Happy birthday, Jules.
[ Crying ]
This is the best present!
- ♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
- Oh! Oh, and one more thing.
Your dad and I lent
Trav and Laurie enough money
to put a down payment
on a house.
They move in next week.
Right there.
[ Chuckles ]
Yay.
Welcome to the island!
♪ live forever ♪
- This is the best birthday ever!
- ♪ ever after ♪
♪ this is... ♪
You know, all of us here
drinking wine,
I'm having
the weirdest déjà view.
Oh, it's déjà vu.
- It's French.
- It's stupid.
If you feel like
you've seen something before,
it should be déjà view.
- Here it comes.
- Change approved.
[ Laughter ]
Do you guys ever wonder
if this is what
we'll be doing
for the rest of our lives?
I mean, we're all adults,
so the odds are, not that much
is gonna change.
We're gonna probably do this
for the rest of our years,
just drinking wine
and hanging out, doing nothing.
We are so lucky.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
♪ oooooooh ♪