Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 12 - A Two Story Town - full transcript

Everyone pitches in to help Tom with his new crush with disastrous results.

Bobby's old
Crab-Fest t-shirt.

What's that doing
in our kitchen?

Oh, Bobby never understood

that different drawers
were for different things,

- so he used to put his stuff everywhere.
- That's insane.

My cousin Chestnut
used to do the same thing.

That was before
his own pigs murdered him.

Well, the pigs may have killed
him, but it wasn't murder.

"Murder" implies forethought.

Oh.

No, he was murdered.
They're gonna have a trial.



Do the pigs have pig lawyers?

No, they're human lawyers.

How do the pigs
and humans communicate?

Interpreters.

Do they walk
on two legs or four?

- In court, two.
- Come on!

Do they make them wear
little prison jumpsuits?

All right, stop it. We've had
this insane conversation before.

Are you sure?

Unless I've had

the "killer pigs in court"
conversation somewhere else,

yeah, I'm sure.

After six years
and hundreds of stories,

you're bound to repeat
one of them.



And it's nice,

as long as you love the people
you're sharing the stories with.

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm getting all choked up,

and I feel like
it's a week too early for that.

Sweetie,
this is never gonna end.

Of course, that's what
cousin Chestnut thought.

Before his pigs shot him.

_

Jules, your dad knows

he can't sell moonshine
out here, right?

Probably not,
but that's his jug band.

They got hired to play a show
at the plaza tomorrow night.

Hey, dad.

You excited to rock out

with The Big Ol' Jugs tomorrow?

Well, first off,
The Jugs don't rock.

We blow.

And second, we just broke up.

What happened?

Our late singer, Irv, died.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's all right.
It was natural causes.

At our age,
every morning you wake up

is a pleasant surprise.

Irv's son Waz took his place,

which would have been fine

until he demanded that
we put his fiancée in the band.

Is she not talented?

She's a chick.

We're men.

The Jugs have always been men.

Now we're in
this Yoko Ono situation.

Oh, like the chocolate drink?

Stupid Waz.

I hate people.

Do you hate all people
or just some?

Just a-holes, jagoffs,

chuckleheads, morons,
and dipwads.

[ Chuckles ]
What's a dipwad?

Pipe down, chucklehead.

[ Laughs ]
You got burned by Chick.

- Cram it, dipwad.
- Mm.

I think I have
a new best friend.

Oh, there's Tom.
Hey, Tom.

Tom.

Aah!

Oh, hey, guys.

Um, sorry.
I was just...

Oh, locating your next victim?

Uh, that's Mary.

She's the sister of a patient

I performed a ventriculostomy
on last month.

She sat with him
through the entire recovery,

holding hands, singing songs,

even when he was asleep.

She's like an angel.

I want to meet her.
Hey, Mary!

Hey, angel face, over here.

Tom, you should have
asked that girl out.

I can't.

This may come as a surprise
to you all,

but I sometimes give off
a creepy vibe with women.

- No.
- No, that's not true.

- You?
- You're exaggerating.

It's true.

- Really? No.
- No, it's not possible.

- Come on! No, no.
- It is.

Anyway, I've accepted
I'm gonna be alone.

I'm not lucky like you guys.

You all found the person
you're gonna be with forever.

Eh, we'll see.

Oh, Tom, you deserve
someone special to be with,

to laugh with.

Someone who tucks
their junk back and says,

"Hey, we're both girls."

[ Laughing ] What?
That is bizarrely specific.

That's weird.

Tom, where'd you go?

Or are you down there
in a sad ball?

Tom: Sad ball.

Okay, Tom. Phone.

We're gonna ask Mary out.

All right, Laurie,
you're a textspert.

Whoo! On it.
And great word, Jules.

Tom, if you're such a mess
around women,

how'd you ever get married?

My late wife and I met
at a New Year's Eve party.

There was, uh,
music and dancing,

and somehow we got paired up.

We were dancing,
and then at midnight, we kissed.

After that, I felt
completely at ease with her.

It was the best moment
of my life.

Aww. I remember
my first kiss with Jules.

Best kiss I ever had.

Yeah, that was a great kiss.

Definitely my [Coughing] eighth best.

You said I was seventh,
which sucked, but I got over it.

How could I have dropped?

Laurie and Ellie
were having a contest

to see who had
the softest lips,

and they needed a judge,
so about an hour later,

Laurie joined Ellie
for number-one spot,

and you dropped down to eighth.

It's because I spend
every morning

doing an hour of beatbox.

Lip cardio is very important.

[ Both beatboxing ]

Whatever you're doing
is working.

Mwah!

[ All groaning ]

Okay, okay.
How about this?

"Hey, girl. It's Doc T,
the physician of your wishin'.

How about a house call?"

Definitely do not send that.

In hindsight,

maybe I should have asked for
feedback before I pressed send.

Eighth!
I can't be eighth!

Relax.
It's just kissing.

You're still number one
in the most important category.

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

And, uh, what category is that?

Shoot!
I should've something ready.

Ohh!

Mary thought
the text was funny.

She said
we should go out tomorrow.

Tom, that's amazing.

It's incredible.
It's all downhill from here.

I am gonna be nervous
and weird.

She's gonna think I'm creepy,
walk out on the date,

and then I'm gonna have to
kill myself.

Probably easier to just cancel.

Tom, take it easy.

You are built like a stepladder.
Wow!

This date is gonna be fine.

We just got to get you
to that first kiss

so you can relax
and be yourself.

How do I get to the kiss?
I'm a mess.

Do you have any romantic skills
you can bring to the table?

- Let's see. I'm pretty good with turtles.
- All right.

Um, one of my knees
bends both ways.

Uh, I'm fluent in Gutnish,

which is
a long-dead Nordic dialect.

- I'm a terrific dancer.
- That's it.

Great! Wait.
Uh, the Gutnish or the dancing?

Okay. This is how
the date's gonna go.

You'll pick Mary up,

being very charming because
I coached you on what to say.

Grayson will be close by
in case you start to get weird.

You'll take a romantic bike ride
into town,

and if you start to say
something creepy,

just pedal faster or slower
to get away from her.

You'll go to a romantic movie,
where there's no talking at all.

You'll pass a man who needs help

and blow Mary's mind
with your doctor skills.

Then off to drinks at the pub
with friends.

I'll tell a funny story
that makes everyone laugh.

When a romantic song
comes on the jukebox,

you and Mary will dance.

And then you'll kiss her
and say...

I've been waiting for you
my whole life.

I told you it would work.

Wait, so part of your fantasy

is bragging to me
that it worked.

- Yep.
- But I never said that it wouldn't.

Dude, this it Tom's thing.
Don't make it about you.

Yeah, pipe down, ace.
For once, this is about me.

Actually, I've been doing
so much planning about this,

I kind of think it's about me.

Oh, I know, sweetie.

Okay, Tom, how are you feeling?

Tom: Great.
I'm gonna crush my date.

I mean, crush the date.

Less talking.

Are you wearing the shirt
I got you?

- O-of course. I'm on it.
- And the pants?

Turning around.

Don't worry.

We'll have those knees
covered up in no time.

I really think
this is gonna work.

Jules, this is really sweet,

but tom is less
of a "nice date" guy

than a
"damp rag and duct tape" guy.

His cologne is chloroform.

Are you two gonna sit there
like asses,

or are you gonna help?

- Sit like asses.
- The ass one.

All right,
you're on creepy patrol.

Get to Mary's house,

and as soon as you do,
I want you to--

Uh, you may be ninth now.

Damn it!

Oh, you know,
I'm not worried about Tom.

I've coached him on what to say
in everything.

Hello, Mary.
How about a bike ride?

Sounds perfect.

And what a beautiful home.

Except the windows are
a little low to the ground.

It'd be real easy for someone
to climb in late at night

and sniff your hair
while you're asleep.

Ow!
Sweet biscuits!

[ Exhales sharply ]

I mean, you want to get going?

Grayson, how's operation "keep
Tom from talking creepy" going?

Well, it still has
a sucky title,

and Tom's having trouble creating
separation on the bikes.

Do you have any hobbies?

I like playing with dolls.

Did you say
"playing with dolls"?

What?
Are you smiling at my headset?

I probably look like
Sigourney Weaver

- in that movie with the alien.
- Do you mean "Alien"?

- I don't think it's called that.
- Well, you're wrong.

Guys, I really think
Tom's gonna win Mary over.

Wrong again, 'cause no matter
how good this date goes

or any future dates,

eventually, she's gonna have to
see him naked.

That would be a game-over moment
if there ever was one.

Mm-hmm.

Well, if you two
are just gonna be negative,

why don't you just leave?

Do you know what?
She's right.

We could just go to the plaza

and watch this date blow up
in person.

That's a great idea.

I'm in the plaza, Jules,
just like we planned.

Tom's gonna be there soon.
Do you have the movie tickets?

Tickets in hand, Tom in sight,
just like we planned.

Why do you keep saying
"just like we planned it"

after everything?

I'm not doing that.

Just like we planned. Ha.

Okay, I am doing that.
Sorry.

Oh, weird here today.

Very, uh... leathery.

Leathery like old?

No. Leathery like, uh...

Oh, my!

What? What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, everything's fine,
just like we planned,

except the romantic comedy
that I chose,

"Straps And Clamps,"
might be a porno.

Not like we planned.

Damn it, Andy!
I'm calling Tom.

Please tell me
I heard that right

and you sent Gumby to a porno.

Trying to score Gumby
some pokey, are you?

You know, you two are just like
Statler and Waldorf,

those muppet jerks who heckled
everyone from the balcony.

He's right.
We can go to the balcony.

We can see more.
We can heckle more.

Yeah!

Thanks for the tip, dipwad.

Tom! Out of the theater.
It's a porno.

It's a porno!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Wrong number.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Tom, out of the theater!
It's a porno!

It's a porno!

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Let's get out of here.
I-I think I've seen this.

Come on, we got to get ready!

I am.
I got the squibs.

Well, honey,
you did not get them from me!

I have been supes faithful.

I actually meant
special-effects squibs,

but great to hear.

They're rigged to explode

to make me look like
I got shredded with an Uzi.

You traded in the choking plan

to have Tom patch you up
from an attack from an Uzi?!

So, what do we do now?

I know how to dislocate
someone's finger.

I learned it in juvie.
It's really easy.

You just pop it out, and then
afterwards, we'll pop it back in.

If you think you're actually
going to hurt one of us--

It's not a question of "if,"
buddy.

It is a question of "who."

Aah! Here they come.

Someone's getting hurt
in 3... 2...

Andy! Do Andy!

Hey! You should be
really ashamed of yourself.

- Bad move.
- [ Bones crack ]

- Come on!
- Aah!

Help! We need a doctor!

Uh, excuse me.

What's the status
of operation hero?

Yee-aaaah!

Turns out, Tom's not great
with bent extremities.

Brain tissue isn't gross

because there's
no visible sign of damage,

but a-a finger
that's bent like--

[ Gags ]

It's not supposed to look
like that!

Hey!
I agree with the crier!

It is not supposed to look
like that.

Paging a doctor
who doesn't suck.

Paging a doctor
who doesn't suck.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't I put it back in

the way that you showed me
last week, Tom?

Right. Uh, great idea.
Great idea.

- Okay.
- Ohh. Ow.

Oh, the back-in part
hurts more.

Well, at least he--

[ Explosions ]

[ Screams ]

I think
your friend's been shot!

H-he'll be fine.
You ever been to Gray's Pub?

Here they come.

Okay, now remember--

we have to keep Tom
from freaking Mary out

until he gets her to dance.

And after that, he can freak
her out all he wants.

I mean, like dirty.

Dirty dancing, sex dancing.
You know what I'm saying?

Hi, guys.
How's it going?

My name is Jules.
It's nice to meet you.

This is my husband, Grayson.

[ Laughs ]

What do you look for
in a kisser?

Is it pressure or moisture
or tongue dexterity?

Oh, we're just diving right in,
huh?

You know, kissing is done
with more than the mouth.

No, yeah,
it's done with the hands,

the hips,
and most of all, the heart.

Babe, why don't you put
some music on?

Mm, I'd love to,

just as soon as I finish tying
this triple knot

into this cherry stem.

Boom!

[ Laughs ]

This is fun.
[ Rock-'n'-Roll music plays loudly ]

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Dude, you were supposed to play
something romantic.

I tried, but then I remembered
that Bobby rigged my jukebox

to only play
hard-metal power ballads

as his going-away present
to me.

Damn it, Bobby!

This is not the right time
for such an awesome gift.

Hey, Jules, if we're both here,
who's keeping an eye on Tom?

Oh, Shawshank!

Tom... what happened?

It-- it might have
something to do with

me listing important facts

about the silicon
breast implants.

But that's not important.

What's important is remembering

that some people
are meant to be alone.

Dude, seriously?!

This did not go great,

but I think we can get it back
on track if we work together.

In high school, they called me
Kiss Kristofferson.

Okay, if I let you kiss me
right now

and I tell you

it was the greatest kiss
I've ever had in my whole life,

even if I don't mean it,
will you shut up and help Tom?

Well,
let's... just... find... out.

Ugh.

World's best kiss.

[ Laughs ]

Yes! You heard it!

What a dipwad.

Grayson, you and I
have to find a band.

You three...

Finger!

...get Mary to the plaza.

I don't care how.
You can lie your asses off.

Tell her you have a gun.

Just get her there with the speed
of the world's tiniest hero.

Stuart Little!

No! The hero that knows
that the fastest way someplace

is to use your hands
to karate chop the hair.

Tsch! Tsch!

Tom Cruise run!

Tom Cruise--
Oh, this hurts my finger so bad!

Jellybean must be rushing

to get the results
of her latest STD test.

Can Trav do anything
like a man?

Hey, guys,
I need your help with Tom!

Jules said
I'm the number-one kisser!

Which isn't important
right now.

What do you need, Junebug?

I need you and Grayson
to get a band.

And, Ellie, I'm gonna fix up
the plaza.

You go get Tom
and bring him back here.

Oh, are we playing
a game called

"Things that are never
gonna happen"?

Ellie, I can't make you
do anything

that you don't want to do.

But deep down,
I know you want to help

because you care about your
friends and you care about Tom.

Damn it!

Hey, uh, hi.
We've never met.

Uh, my name is Grayson.
I am a big fan of The Jugs.

The band,
the band The Big Ol' Jugs.

Not yours.

I mean, not that yours
aren't big.

They're--
they're... fantastic, actually.

Uh, Waz, Chick has something
he'd like to say to you.

Chick.

[ Sighs ]

I would just
like to say that...

women kill bands.

Down with Yoko!

What I meant is...

I need to get the band back,

and I can't do it without you.

So... if she's as good
as you say she is,

then I would be honored
to have her join us.

You have beautiful breasts,
by the way.

Thank you.
You're so sweet.

What do you say?

Let's do it.

Tom, are you rolled up
in a sad, little ball?

Maybe.

Good to see you.

I have a shoe bag
just like that.

I know. I broke into your house
to get these.

I do want to talk to you

about the empty lipstick tubes
in your freezer

and why you have blueprints
of all our houses

and framed pictures
of our bathrooms.

But for now, I'm gonna take you
and we're gonna win Mary.

Mary thinks
I'm weird and creepy.

Right, 'cause you are.

But you're also sweet,
and I want you to be happy.

Wow, Ellie.

Does this mean
that you care about me?

Can you say it out loud?

But you do care?

Would you say
that you love--

Too far.
Withdraw the question.

We've got to get to the plaza,
and we have to hurry.

Let's do it. Oh, but I can't
run in my dancing shoes.

They'll stretch and be ruined.

[ Groans ]

Okay.

They always say the mean ones
are the strongest.

Come here!

Jules, what's going on?

Well, we all got together
to help you get the girl.

[ All panting ]

You said
Tom was holding people hostage

and I had to talk him down.

You also said...

karate chopping the air
makes you run faster,

and I'm pretty sure
that's not the case.

I think you just weren't
doing it right.

Oh, look!
Tom is here!

What a coincidence.

And he's great.

Hey, Jugs, hit it.

♪ she's a good girl ♪

♪ loves her mama ♪

Oh, Jules, I-I don't think I can
go out there and dance alone.

- Well, you don't have to.
- ♪ and America, too ♪

♪ she's a good girl

♪ she's crazy about Elvis ♪

- Hey, Mary.
- ♪ loves horses ♪

- Hi, Tom.
- ♪ and her boyfriend, too ♪

Sorry if my friends were
a little pushy.

They're very strange.

But judging by
what they did for you,

they must really think
you're great.

I don't know
what I'd do without them.

The Argentina lake duck
has a corkscrew-shaped penis.

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.
I'm not usually this weird.

I...
I'm nervous around you

because I think
you're so amazing

and sweet and so beautiful.

Mary, I-I never believed
that I had a chance with you.

Until they believed in me.

♪ yeah, I'm a bad boy ♪

Shall we?

- Yeah.
- ♪ for breakin' her heart ♪

♪ and I'm free ♪

♪ I'm free falling ♪

♪ and I'm free ♪

♪ I'm free falling ♪

♪ free falling ♪

I've been waiting for you
my whole life.

♪ now I'm free falling ♪

♪ now I'm free falling ♪

♪ and I'm free falling ♪

- ♪ I'm free falling ♪
- I told you it would work.

I never said it wouldn't.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

♪ and I'm free ♪

Well, there's only one way
for you to climb the charts.

You have to kiss
all three of us

so we can compare.

Well, I've had sex with her,

and by kissing her

I would close the loop so that
we basically all just kissed each other.

Well, now you have to.

But beware, I'm really handsy.

- Oh, she is.
- Mmh-mmh.

And I'm super into
tongue propensation.

Yeah, she is.

What the hell do you guys do
when I'm not around?

[ Laughter ]