Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 11 - Climb That Hill - full transcript

Jules tries to read a book for the first time; Grayson tries to remember what his friends say.

If it helped him rest,

would it be okay if I put
Baby Bobby's pacifier in wine?

- No.
- Probably not.

Oh, good, 'cause I would never
do that.

Oh, I've got a great
movie mash-up...

A crusty old cop
tells a young wizard...

to make my day.

Quincy Houdini!

Dirty Harry Potter.

I didn't love
the first Harry Potter movie.

The book was so much better.



Nerd alert!

A book could never
be better than a movie.

If you wanna tell me a story,

act it out with beautiful people
while I'm eating popcorn.

Do not make me work for it.

You should remember that speech
for when Baby Bobby is older.

That way, if he likes reading,
we can nip it in the bud.

I never understood what
"nip it in the bud" meant.

It should be
"nip it in the butt."

Ooh!

"Nip it in the butt"
makes so much more sense,

because if you bite someone
in the ass,

they'll definitely never do what
they were doing ever again.

I hate it when you change
phrases that already exist.



I'm just glad that Ellie's
not here to say her annoying...

Change approved!

_

Ugh!

It's been six years.

How come you can't remember
I like sugar in my coffee?

2-part answer...
A, I'm not your bitch.

And B, there's, like,
a hundred people in here

every morning.
It's impossible to keep track.

Okay, I'm just gonna nip this
in the butt.

Oh!

I remember everyone...

Andy, you like one sugar.
You like two.

You like your coffee black,
just like your heart.

And Tom likes... well,
I don't want to say it

- 'cause it kinda creeps me out.
- A wad of cream.

It's not that Dime Eyes
doesn't remember.

He doesn't listen to any of us
in the first place.

He doesn't know anything
about us.

- That's not true. I'm a great listener.
- You're not.

When someone's talking, your
eyes glaze over like this...

That's my listening face.

Yeah, it's also
his sexy time face.

- So true.
- What?

Okay, if you're
such a good listener,

you won't mind answering
a few simple questions, yeah?

Fire away.

- What's my son's name?
- Damien.

- What was my last job?
- Pass.

- What's my last name?
- You don't have one. You're like Prince.

- When's my birthday?
- A few thousand years ago.

- Where was I born?
- Give me a second.

Great job, champ.

Okay, guys,
stop picking on him.

Jules, he doesn't know anything
about you, either.

Yes, he does.

We're married.
We have a deeper connection.

- Hell, yeah.
- Really?

Then I have a question.

Please don't.

What is Jules' mom's name?

Duh. Uh, mom.

M... She just calls her "mom."
Duh!

I'll give you a hint...

it rhymes with
Jules' middle name.

Oh. Jules' middle name is...

- Kiki.
- Kiki.

And so Jules Kiki and her mom...

Freaky.

You think my mom's name
is Freaky?

- Wow.
- No. No, no, no, no.

No, no. Tiki!

Sneaky! Beaky. L...

That was fun.

Oh, look. Yet another e-mail
from Stan's teacher.

- Is anything dead?
- No.

This isn't like

the class hamster
hostage standoff.

This is worse.

Hit me with it.

It seems as if
our son spends every second

with his hand down his pants.

Where do you think
he could've learned that?

Got me.

Uh... video games?

That's probably it.

You're exaggerating.

I don't have it there
all the time.

Oh! Are you talking about
your hand down your pants?

Because, yeah, you do.
You totally do.

- Told you!
- I don't have it there now!

Where's your other hand?

I don't wanna say.

All right, fine. I do it a lot.

But I-I'm discrete.
Nobody notices.

Everybody notices!

That's why
Grayson sprays cleanser

on everything you touch.

She's right. We notice.

Mostly because it's gross,
but also because some of us

want to learn and remember
things about the people we love.

I've always been like this,
okay?

Just a nice, normal guy
who might not be the best listener,

but makes up for it with a body
that just... won't... quit.

You guys both have spouses

who wanna change everything
about who you are as people.

And I think that's super healthy
in a marriage.

Not gonna happen.
I mean, once you hit 40...

- there's no changing.
- That's not true.

All right, what's that girl
that's on TV

that wants to be Oprah?
She cooks a lot.

- Rachael Ray!
- Right.

Okay, well, she says that people
our age need new challenges.

We need to climb new mountains.

Grayson, your new mountain

is to learn about
the people in your life.

- I know things.
- When's my birthday?

- I'll try harder.
- Andy, your new mountain is to

get your dirty paw
out of your hairy cookie jar.

Well, if we have to change,
what about you?

What's your mountain?

I've been climbing mountains
my entire life!

I got knocked up young,

dropped out of college,
started a business,

got divorced, remarried...

I lost some
really beautiful wine glasses.

There are no new mountains
for me to climb.

Let's huddle up.
What's Jules' new mountain?

Okay. Uh, shave...
shave her head.

- No. Nobody wins.
- Okay.

- Oh! Get a baby chimp.
- No. Rip her face off.

- Uh, tongue piercing.
- Ooh. I wouldn't mind that.

- No. She'd have a lisp.
- Oh, I got it! I got it!

What? What? What? What?

I can climb anything you got.

You have to read a book.

Son of a bitch.

All right, guys, I would love
to climb this mountain,

but it's impossible.

I can't read a book.

- Why?
- I don't have any.

That's why we brought you some.

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me,

and I once had dinner
with Guy Fieri.

- Ugh.
- Ew.

Look, I've tried.

I just can't focus enough
to read a book.

They're so boring.

I mean, 30 seconds after I crack
it open, I'm sound asleep.

You know exactly what I mean,
right, Laurie?

I don't. I'm a voracious reader.

How do you even know
what "voracious" means?

From reading. I love reading.

I go through... what?
Five, six books a month?

Mostly historical stuff.
I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'm not one of those
anti-fiction snobs.

I just find that
the factual power struggles

and political infighting

of something like
the French Revolution

is just a little bit
more riveting

than anything in
a Jonathan Franzen novel.

- I wanna slap you so hard right now.
- Okay.

Mom, have you ever read a novel
cover to cover?

No. But I did read the Christmas
issue of InStyle.

It's like 12 pounds.
I weighed it.

Oh, you guys probably think
I'm a voracious idiot.

- That's not really how...
- Let's just let her have it.

Hey, Jules, you made it through
high school,

some college, you got
your real estate license,

you raised a super smart kid,
and you never read a book?

- I think that's kinda genius.
- Right?

Out of all the people
who have not read a book,

I'm probably the smartest.

- You are.
- Yeah.

I can do this.

I've got the book for you...
"To Kill A Mockingbird."

It's a classic. It's a story
about family, which you love,

and it takes place
in your home state of Alabama.

Sounds perfect.

Mark my words, Travis.
She's gonna do this.

Jules!

I loved it.

Jules is so pissed,
but I can't help it.

The second
people start talking about

the minutiae of their lives...
where they were born,

what their middle name is...

I'm so bored, I black out.

- Where am I?
- Exactly.

See? You find people
as annoying as I do.

- More so.
- And yet,

you're able to listen to them.
How do you do it?

It's not easy. I have
a few tricks up my sleeve.

Like if someone's droning on
about their stupid life,

I just pretend
something really horrible

will happen to my child
if I don't listen.

That's not gonna work for you
'cause you don't have a child.

- Yes, I do.
- Okay, great.

So there's one trick.

And then otherwise,
it depends on who's talking.

Like Laurie, for instance.

If she goes off on one of
her ridiculous stories,

I just pretend that
she's helping me compile a list

of reasons why
she's the world's biggest skank.

How do you handle Tom?

I think of Tom as someone
who will one day murder us all.

- Wouldn't surprise me.
- Right.

So you have to listen to him
in case there might be a clue

as to what he's planning.
It's about survival.

Please help me listen.
Let me be your student.

Okay, I will teach you,
but I expect full obedience.

- Understood.
- Turn around,

walk 10 paces, then stop.

Okay.

Now what?

Nothing. That's good.

I still say I don't do it
that often.

It's in there right now.

Okay, that one wasn't me!

I think it snuck in there
on its own.

How am I gonna stop this?

We could use
negative reinforcement.

They give animals
electric shock

to discourage certain behaviors.

Or I could follow you around
all day,

and every time you reach
in your picnic basket,

I could stab you with a fork.

What else you got?

Uh, they put giant cones
on dogs' heads

to stop 'em from biting
their stitches.

Again, I am not an animal!

Ow! Why?!

Oh.

Maybe a doggie cone
isn't a bad idea.

This is humiliating.

Now you can't
get it down there.

Do you need one
for the other hand, too?

No, when I do it with this hand,

it feels like some strange,
burly guy is touching me.

- So it's awesome?
- No, it's terrifying.

That's what I meant.

- Jules!
- Tomato cage.

Why are you at your computer?

Because the book kept
putting me to sleep,

so then I went on Wikipedia
to see what it was about,

and then that put me to sleep.

Why does the internet
have to look like a book?

This is too hard!

Why didn't you guys
just challenge me

to fighting a bear
or something?

You would rather fight a bear
than read a book?

Yeah. With a bear fight,
at least I'd have a chance.

This is ridiculous!
Just read the book.

And then we can celebrate
by watching the movie.

- There's a movie?
- Yes. Travis has it on DVD.

It's amazing.
It stars Gregory Peck.

Aw. My dad's chicken.

- No, the actor.
- I know.

Good luck with the book, Jules.

So another great trick
when I zone out

is just to say,
"That was so fascinating.

Can you say that again?"

Oh! Or you pretend
boring words are food,

and you're starving.

That's what I do
when I listen to you.

Sometimes I feel so full
after we talk,

I can skip a meal or two.

Hey, why are you laying all
these tricks on me right now?

I mean, it feels like you're
sending me into battle.

I am. I think the, uh,
best way to learn how to swim

is to just get in the lake.

That's why I have
some one-on-one time for you

with a very special person.

His general dorkiness,
his lilting tone,

and his tendency to wax poetic
about everything

makes him the most boring man
in the world.

Hey, guys.

No.

Yes.

I've decided
if you add almond milk

to a double shot latte,
it becomes almost beautiful.

That is so fascinating.
Can you say that again?

My latte.
When you add almond milk,

the depth of the tones
and the...

Never mind that for now.
You know what I just realized?

Grayson has never heard
the story

of how you first knew
you were in love with Laurie.

Well, take a seat, my friend.

You are in for
a very long treat!

Uh...

You know, uh, don't feel like

you have to just jump in
all at once.

It was a summer day in June.

A little band called Snow Patrol
was climbing the charts.

I feel like I'm on fire.

That's how I felt
when I first saw her.

She was backlit, radiant,

hair blowing in the breeze

like Legolas
from Lord Of The Rings...

Ah.

Dad, I need my Hulk hand.

But I need it.

Fine, take it.

Hey! Psst!

There's no one here.

It's just you and me.
Do it!

Do it! No one will know.

I can't. I gotta stop.

But I'm so cold!

No, you're not.
You're just trying to trick me.

I just wanna go home.

Help me.

Help me go home.

Please?

How long have you been
standing there?

Does it really matter?

I'm gonna watch the hell
out of this book.

Wow. I knew that'd be rough,
but that was horrible.

I don't think
I'll ever be the same.

What happened?

I had to talk to Travis.

- Seriously, how do you do it?
- You just have to remember that

he is the most beautiful boy
in the whole world,

and that you love everything
about him.

You love his square head

and even his little toes with
the little red hairs on them.

Even his breath. No matter what,
it's always sweet to me.

I have to go upstairs, and...

I need to borrow Big Chuck.

Quitter! You know, it takes work
to climb a mountain, bro!

You don't see me quittin'!

Where are you?!
Come on out and face me!

Wow. They get right into it.

Jem, stop!
It's too dangerous!

Can it, Scout!
It's not about us right now.

It's about our country.

We have to kill
that mockingbird

before he kills the President!

Holy crap. This is good.

Then let's get
that son of a bitch!

There he is! Fire!

- Bang! Bang!
- Boom! Boom!

What?

- Bang!
- Bah!

If you like that movie...

- You're gonna love the book!
- Hi, Jules.

Hey, did you buy
my tortured assassin?

I mean, I didn't wanna go
too big,

but I thought it was
pretty spot-on.

Yeah, no, it's great.

And, Jules, seriously,

we're not moving until
you start reading this book.

Fine.

Whoa. That's not gonna work.

She knows we can't see her.

Damn it.

Hey, Jules.

Thanks for watching
Baby Bobby for me tonight.

I saw the movie.
It was funny.

You know, I don't know
what makes me madder...

the fact that you did that
to me,

or that I'll never find out
if they killed that mockingbird

before he got into
the White House.

I actually had a really great
idea for the ending,

where the tortured spy
kills the mockingbird...

just before finding out that...

that very mockingbird...

was his father.

Whoa.

I know.

So...

you gonna knock this thing out
tonight or what?

I'm afraid this mountain
is unclimbable.

And you know what I realized?
I don't care.

Reading's not my thing.
I'm... I'm a talker and a doer.

You could put me in front of
a thousand young kids right now,

and I would say
the same thing...

reading is for losers.

I can't believe that
you're just gonna give up.

Where would I be
if I had just given up

when you were trying to
convince me

I could be more than
a dumb townie slut

who got in a fistfight
with Richard Grieco?

- What?
- He cut me off in line at a bar once,

so I called him Depp Lite.

He freaked out,
so I coldcocked him.

And then when he woke up,
we made out in the bathroom.

He still calls me. You know,
Travis thinks he's my uncle.

That's Uncle Richie?

Travis loans him money
all the time.

Look, my point is,
you never gave up on me.

And look at who I am today.

I believe in you, too, Jules.

"When he was nearly 13,

my brother Jem got his arm
badly broken at the elbow."

That was the 1,000th time
I've read that sentence.

Bye, baby.

Bye.

I never stood a chance
against Trav.

He started talking about how he
first knew really liked Laurie,

but then his lameness
was just too powerful.

Trav was tough for me, too.
For a while,

I had to walk around with
his name written on my hand.

Give me a trick
to listen to him.

Dime Eyes, eventually
you're gonna have to

come up with your own tricks,
and they're not gonna work

unless you understand
why you're doing them.

Do you know?

So I don't get in trouble
with Jules?

No, because you care about
this group,

and they care that
you know stuff about them.

That's why I know
that you grew up in Kentucky,

your middle name is Shannon,

and your childhood hero
was Vanna White.

She's so gentle and patient.

Ding!

Hey.

You know
all that stuff about me.

That means you care about me.

No, I care about Jules,

and she would be mad
if I didn't know you.

Maybe I care about you
a little.

- Anyone want a cookie?
- Never.

I'm good.

Fine.

I'm a man who's happiest

when he's got a hand stuck into
his waistband. So what?

I'm not hurting anybody.
I can't change.

- I wanna tell you a story.
- I don't wanna hear it.

- It's about my dad.
- Whee!

When I was a kid, my dad
taught me everything he knew...

how to catch fish with a belt,

the surefire way to impress
any girl, you name it.

- You're so lucky.
- I thought so, too,

until I showed up
the first day of school

with a belt
that smelled like trout

and tried to impress a cute girl
with a fart.

Things didn't go that well.

My dad was a cross-dresser.
I didn't know about boxer shorts

until sixth grade
sleepaway camp,

when the other campers made
a bonfire out of my thong.

So what's the point
of all this?

A kid who worships his dad
will do anything to be like him.

I'm gonna change.

In a... second.

♪ Jules is mad
and keeps insisting ♪

♪ doesn't know how hard it is ♪

♪ for me to listen ♪

♪ but when I pick up
this here guitar ♪

♪ it helps me remember
just who you are ♪

♪ Ellie's son,
his name is Stan ♪

♪ and Andy used to be
a money man ♪

♪ Laurie dated Charlie Sheen ♪

♪ and my girl Jules
was prom queen ♪

♪ made up a word
like "Brazelian" ♪

♪ to remember Tom's
last name's Gazelian ♪

♪ Andy loves his oatmeal pies ♪

♪ and Travis saw Avatar
19 times ♪

♪ 19 times?
Really, 19 times?! ♪

♪ Ellie's birthday
is May 28th ♪

♪ and Laurie's first word
was "Incarcerate" ♪

♪ Andy's hands
go in his pants ♪

♪ but that don't mean
he's freaky ♪

♪ that don't mean he's freaky ♪

♪ now let's bring it back
to Jules ♪

♪ her middle name is... ♪

Um...

♪ bitch, please,
that's my wife ♪

♪ I know her name is Kiki ♪

♪ and that's my new
climb-the-mountain ♪

♪ pay attention,
learn-to-listen ♪

♪ song ♪

- Yay!
- Yay! Yeah!

See, from now on, anything
you want me to remember,

just tell me to song it,
and I'll just add another verse.

I love it, babe.
I'm proud of you!

And I am proud of you.

Everybody, let's give it up
for Jules

for reading a book!

I'm not applauding that.

Well, I'm not gonna lie.
It wasn't easy.

I feel like that book
took something away from me

that I will never be able
to get back.

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

I will never read another book
again.

We not clapping that one?
Sorry.

And finally, everyone,

can we take a look
at Andy Torres over here?

Who is standing before you
with no hand down his pants!

- Okay!
- No, thanks.

Seriously, I kicked the habit.

Hey, look,
I know you're skeptical.

But trust me, he's cured.

If he wasn't,
would I let him do this?

Go ahead, Andy.

- Aha!
- Oh, God.

- What'd I tell ya?
- Oh.

I kicked the habit!

I-I can't hear 'cause you're
covering my ears.

I didn't kick the habit,

but I promise not to do it
in front of you or Stan.

Don't tell Trav. Deal?

- Yay!
- Yay!

- Impressed?
- Song it, babe.

♪ And Trav just had balls
on his face ♪

What?

Hey, babe.

Oh. Uh, yeah,
I just... I can't.

Is this because
how Andy violated my face?

I just keep seeing
this weird vision.

And for some reason,
you're in a steam room,

and you're unconscious because
you've just been roofied.

And Andy comes in and he...

very gently places
the package portion of his junk

on your face.

And it looks like
a wet grocery bag.

Look, I've showered five times.

I scraped mu cheeks until
I drew blood.

This is clean.

Okay? We have to be able
to kiss again.

No. You know what?

You're right.
I'm sorry.

You're right.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Bugh, bugh, bugh, bugh...

Come on!