Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 10 - Yer So Bad - full transcript

I just read
a fascinating article

- on Amazonian frogs.
- I'll tell you what, Tom.

You can bore us to death
with your jungle frog talk

if no one else
has anything interesting to say.

- Grayson?
Grayson: - Uh...

Oh!

You know how I call
my torso "The Truth"?

Well, up until now, I've never
had a cool nickname for my butt.

- No. Andy?
- My favorite thing about flowers--

Another no.
I guess it's up to me.

Okay, um...



The other day at work--

No, that's not a great story.

Um...

- Just say anything!
- I'm blanking!

- Andy, try again!
- I wish unicorns would walk in and--

- No! Grayson!
- Steel Mountains.

That's the name of my butt.

Horrible!

Tom, the floor is yours.

I don't want to really discuss
frogs in the Amazon

without first discussing
tropical amphibia as a whole.

Salamanders and newts--

modern-day amphibians
take on many forms.

[ All groan ]



_

Check it out.

Who am I?

- A crazy person.
- No. Look at me.

- ♪ la la la la la ♪
- Elton John.

- Yes!
- Elton John?

Why were you dribbling
two basketballs?

N-no, playing the piano.
Duh.

Thank you.
You're so smart.

You're so adorable.

You're a lucky guy.

You two have a good day.

Oh, thanks. You, too.

Oh, I love her.
She's so sweet.

Why does she look familiar?

Jules, do you remember
a couple weeks ago

when your dad confided in me
about a lady he was dating

and we saw him at the park?

- That's her. That's Diane.
- What?

That's my dad's girlfriend?

Oh, my God, she's awesome.

I can't wait to meet her.

Why not now?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Down, girl.

Your dad hasn't even told you
he's dating anyone, okay?

Until he does,

you're just gonna have
to respect his privacy, maybe.

Give your dad a little time. Okay?
He'll tell you when he's ready.

How about now?

Uh, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Um, you know what, Jules?

Why don't you come over here

and tell me about
that basketball player,

- Elton John?
- Oh.

Hey, babe, how's it going?

Oh, I'm slammed with orders.

I got a smash cake
for a kid's first birthday

and 300 cupcakes for a sorority
whose cycles have all lined up

and they're getting ready

for a giant,
house-wide PM dawn.

- Ugh.
- So, pretty standard day.

- Yeah.
- I just love these cupcakes.

- Oh, thank you.
- Do you and the other girl bake together?

Oh, no, babe, this is Travis.
He's a man.

- I didn't mean him.
- It's okay.

No, he's got a little bit
of a KD Lang thing going on.

I think it's hot.
I get it.

I meant the cupcake cart girl.

Don't you sell
the same cupcakes?

My cakes are exclusive
Laurie Keller originals.

Anything less
is just dog crap with icing.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Is there some cupcake cart girl
stealing your recipes?

No, I have been very protective
of my creations

ever since Snoop Dogg
stole my secret language.

I should have never told him

that his new album
was the shizzle.

I just wanted
on that yacht party so bad.

Oh, the one where Suge Knight
pushed your friend overboard?

No, that was a different one.

Hey, dad.
How you doing?

I'm good, June-Bug.
How 'bout you?

I'm good.

[ Man speaking indistinctly
on television ]

Do you think that guy on TV
has a girlfriend?

Anderson Cooper?

- Who's that?
- The guy on TV.

- What about him?
- Oh, I don't know.

- You brought it up.
- Right. I forgot.

Do you have a girlfriend?

What gave me away?
The cologne?

[ Sighs ]

I knew that last spray
was a mistake.

So, it's true?

I wasn't sure how
to bring it up, but... yes.

Recently, I have been enjoying
some female company.

Dad, that's great.
Aww!

So, when is it?

- What?
- Please.

We both know that you
have already planned out

the exact time and place
I'm gonna introduce her to you.

Come on.
Say it.

Dinner here tomorrow night.

I'm making pot roast,
grilled vegetables,

and two kinds of potatoes.

Dinner party?
We're in.

What can we bring?
I'm kidding.

We're not gonna bring anything.

Should I wear a tie?

I'm not sitting next to Tom.

- Second.
- Third.

No one's coming
unless Chick says it's--

- Fourth.
- [ Gasps ]

Hang on-- I'm trying
to find my keys

but it's like a crime scene
in here.

Thanks for the business!

He's one of yours, isn't he?

No, I've never seen
that dude before.

Well, isn't that cupcake
from your shop?

- Where did you get that?
- I bought it. It's mine.

No, it's mine.

It's my patented
double chocolate cupcake--

the Two Fudge Two Furious.

- Where did you get it?
- The girl with the cupcake cart.

There is some
low-rent push-cart bitch

selling Laurie Keller
originals.

Not for long, because you and I
are gonna find her,

track her down
in a little thing I call...

stakeout.

This is yours.

Harrison Ford is so cool.

My patient says he's great,
every bit as laid back

as Don Cheadle
or Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

- What?
- What?

You just said
that Harrison Ford is--

Why would I have
a celebrity patient?

You sound like an idiot.
Excuse me.

Whoa!

[ Sighs ]

You got a secret, Gazelian?

Secret? Me? Tom?

- Andy, glass.
- Ha!

I'm the on-call doctor
for a secret celebrity

who has a vacation home
two miles outside of Gulfhaven.

Interesting.

Okay, guys, I need everyone
to be on their best behavior

when my dad gets here
with his girlfriend.

- [ Doorbell rings ]
- Oh, that's them.

Okay, let's make this
a great night.

I really think my dad's
in love with Diane.

Hi, everybody.

This is Betty.

- It's so nice to meet you, Di--
- Betty.

Di-Betty, I mean,
diabetes...

Which I hope you don't have.
I-I made pie.

Well, no, I don't.

So, come on in, everybody.

Let's, uh, let's go have fun.

I'm already having fun.

This is great.

I can't believe this!

Dad is two-timing Diane
with that linky-link.

- What's a linky-link?
- I don't know.

I'm too angry
to think of words.

Just calm down, okay?

Maybe Chick was dating Diane
two weeks ago

and then they broke up,

and he just met Betty
in the last few days.

Hey, Chick, um...

so, how long you been,
uh, seeing Betty?

Six very exciting weeks.

- [ Clicks tongue ]
- Hmm.

[ Distorted ]
Oh!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Normal voice ]
Did you see that?

Diane does not deserve this.

So, nobody saw that.

Jules, I think
Diane is great, too, okay?

And I do not like
what Chick is doing.

But let's just keep a lid on it,
get through the night,

and then, tomorrow, you can deal
with Chick any way you like.

It's just so fustigating!

Another made-up word.

Maybe!
I'm mad!

Whoa.

Seriously?
[ Sighs ]

So, Tom.

This mystery
celebrity patient...

- It's actually no big deal.
- I knew it.

It's some washed-up athlete

or the guy
that owns Papa John's.

It's a huge star.
I'm talk--

- Never mind.
Andy: - Hold on.

- If you say Emma Stone, I'm gonna die!
- Shh.

Anyone legit would have made him
sign a contract

prohibiting him
from telling us who it is.

Exactly.
Thank you.

But it would not prohibit him

from answering yes or no
if we guess.

The thing is, I--

[ Grunts ]
How are you doing that?!

Here's my offer.

We ask you
10 yes or no questions,

you answer truthfully,
and we have one guess.

- Sorry, I can't.
- Here's my second offer.

I go into your house

and burn every wig
and fur coat that you own.

- [ Gasps ]
- Oh, yes. I know about that.

[ Sighs ]

Emma Stone!
Is it Emma Stone?!

You have to ask
yes or no questions.

You can't just blurt out
random names.

Tom, is your patient
a man patient

or a woman patient?

Yes.

You-- Aah!

I asked around.

Cupcake girl comes here
every day at sunset.

So, we just keep watch
till her cart

comes around that corner,
then jump out like, "Freeze!

Drop the cupcakes!

I said drop the cupcakes!"

Wow, okay.

[ Laughing ]
Calm down.

You are really into this.

Well, I used to want
to be a cop.

But they don't make
police helmets that fit my head.

This is all really fancy.

I mean, champagne and flowers
and chocolates.

It's our first stakeout.

I wanted it to be special
for you.

I mean, it's special for me
because I'm with you

and, I don't know, I just wanted
to make it a memorable night.

[ Gasps ]

O-M-gagement.

So, we know it's a man

who has acted in movies
and does not know karate.

Karate acting
and non-karate acting

are two different worlds.

Now we know which one
to focus on.

I saw her behind me
in the grocery line.

And she was just so darn pretty,
I had to introduce myself.

He was so sweet.

You know, when Travis was
in third grade,

he got caught copying
a friend's homework.

And I told him,
"Cheating is wrong.

It's bad to cheat.

So, don't cheat
because cheating is bad."

Okay.
Um, also a great story.

Thank you, Jules.

So, to clarify,
cheating is good?

No, I think
we've established it's bad.

- Very bad.
- I was a schoolteacher,

and I once
caught a student cheating.

- Son of a bitch.
- Jules!

- Dad. - Cheating.
- Bad.

- Ellie?
- Uh, anybody want some rolls?

Yeah, I'll take one.

Oh, look you asked for one roll
and you got two.

- I can handle two.
- That's disgusting.

No, it's not.
It's bread.

Not if he's having sex with it.

- I'm confused.
- It's not your fault.

[ Cellphone ringing ] I-I-I'm sorry.
I forgot to turn off my ringer.

Well, let's see
who's calling Mr. Popular.

Hi, this is Chick's phone.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You can't talk to Chick
right now

because he's on a date
with Betty.

Okay, I'll tell him
you said that.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Well... your ear medicine's
ready at the pharmacy.

Could someone pass
the sex rolls?

Almost sunset.

Almost time.

Travis,
I-I have the feeling

you're about to do
something big,

but before you do,
I-I just want to say--

Oh, someone's coming.
Let's go.

- Travis, wait.
- It's just around the corner.

Honey, can we please
just talk about this?

Wh-- Almost there.

Travis, I don't want you
to propose!

What?

I know what this is.

I mean, the champagne
and the flowers

and a romantic spot at sunset.

There is no cupcake girl.

This is a proposal.

I can see the ring
in your pocket,

and I just-- I'm sorry.

I don't know how else
to say this. I'm just not ready.

I-I don't want you
to propose.

Oh.

You know,

I don't think
those are my cupcakes.

Ellie: So we
have narrowed it down,

and we think we know the name
of your celebrity patient.

[ Raps table ]

Sarah Michelle Gellar.

- Nope.
- That's it.

No more eating
till you tell us!

Don't eat
all the cucumbers, please.

You just grab the horn
and swing your leg up over.

Would you look at this?

He's practically screwing her
at the table.

He's not doing anything
remotely close to that.

Jules, listen.

I need you... to focus on me
and stop glaring at them.

Ah! Okay?
Tomorrow, you can go crazy.

You can tear your dad
a new one.

But I need you to keep a lid
on it tonight...

For me, okay?

Okay, I can do that.

For tonight, for you,
I will keep a lid on it.

[ Laughs ]
Chick, you're too much.

Okay, that's it!

[ Plate shatters ]

Betty, this man is a no-good,
cheating son of a bitch.

And the lid is off.

That's right--
my dad is a dirty, cheating dog,

and I think it's time
everyone knew about it.

Jules, honey.

Oh, there you go
with your smooth talk.

I bet you got all kind of sweet
names for your ladies, don't you?

Great salad.

So, what does he call you,
Betty, hmm?

Biscuit Buns?

Muffin Pants?

Doughnut Crotch?

- Sugar Boobs?
- Okay, that's it.

Look, um...
[ Chuckles ]

Okay, everybody, just keep doing
what you're doing.

Everything's fine.
I will deal with this.

Babe, I am sorry!

I just freaked out

- because I thought you were gonna propose!
- Right!

Because that would be
the worst thing in the world.

Oh, Travis!

And I will deal with that.

Cookie Ass?
Butter Butt?

Okay, Tom, we couldn't guess.

We give up.
Who's your celebrity patient?

I can't tell you.

I gave you 10 questions
and a guess. That's it.

- Two more questions!
- Is it Emma Stone?

Guys, no more.
That's it.

After all this,
your not gonna tell us?

- Not even a hint?
- I'm afraid not.

But-- but it's not
a total loss.

I mean,
we had a good time, right?

Hope you enjoyed
your inside time, Tom.

House privileges are revoked.

That's okay.
I like the window.

I'm-- I'm still plugged in.
I can see everything.

That's gonna make it tougher.

Jules: Cobbler Face!
Pudding Lips!

Okay, that's enough.

And first of all,
Cobbler Face and Pudding Lips

sound like something you catch
from swimming in a dirty lake.

- And secondly, Chick can't even hear you.
- I know!

Because his face
is being smothered

by Betty's Sugar Boobs.

Would you
stop saying "Sugar Boobs"?

Now, listen, Jules.

I brought you up here
because I wanted to stop you

from saying something
you'd regret.

If you want to have it out
with Chick,

that's fine, but not like that.

You stay put.

You stay put.

Steel Mountains.
[ Scoffs ]

More like Furry Peaches.

Hey, June-Bug.

Diane is so sweet,

and you suck
for cheating on her with Betty.

Diane knows about Betty

- just like Betty knows about Diane.
- What?

Jules, when you asked me
about this,

I told you I was enjoying
some female company.

I didn't say I was
in a serious relationship.

I'm just being social,
having fun.

Does "Fun"
make you think of sex?

Gross, dude.

[ Laughing ]
Jules.

No matter what age you are,

it's always nice
to meet new people,

go out to dinner, see a movie,

and, yes,
sometimes to be romantic.

I guess I never thought
about that.

I just assumed
that women over 60 went home

and knitted sweaters
and watched "Wheel Of Fortune."

Not the gals
I roll around with.

- All right.
- [ Chuckles ] Look.

I-I'm sorry that I wasn't
more open about this.

But when the time is right,
I would love for you

to get to know Diane and Betty
and whoever else.

Whoever else?

Hey, I'm a catch.

You certainly are.

- So, what do you say?
- Hmm?

You ready to go down
and properly meet Diane?

You mean Betty?

Shoot, you're right.

I got to be careful about that.

I can't believe you said that!

I didn't mean it in a bad way!

Whoa, easy.
What's going on?

- She told me not to propose!
- Were you about to propose?

No, but she basically said
she's not ready to get married.

- Are you?
- Of course not!

- You?
- No!

So, you both feel the same way?

Apparently.

So, why are you fighting?

- I don't actually know.
- You're both happy.

You're on the same page.
That's a good thing.

Okay.
I'm seeing that now.

Well, that was easy.

So, we're good.

Babe, we're amazing!

All right. Go, us!

Yeah, we kick ass.

Did you see that?
That was amazing.

It sure was. I'm glad I was here
to be so amazed.

Tom: I can't believe I'm missing
this-- whatever it is.

- What are you doing?
- Punishing Tom.

He got us all excited about
his celebrity patient,

and now he won't tell us
who it is

or if they know Emma Stone.

Do you not get
what's going on here?

You two made a bunch of cracks about
wanting nothing to do with Tom,

so he made up a story about
having a celebrity patient

just to get you to talk to him.

- He made it up?
- I can't believe he did that.

All just to feel liked
for a night. Hmm.

It's moving, really.
Think on it.

Whoa!

Oh, did you see that?

I am on fire today.

That was amazing.

Tom: Man,
I missed another thing?

Tom, get back in here.

Moving
my punishment inside, huh?

What do I have to do,
lick a fork

and stick it
in an electrical outlet?

No. We miss you.
Right, Ellie?

[ Monotone ]
Yes.

- You're great, and I like it when you talk.
- Really?

W-well, in that case,
get ready to hear some cool facts

about night blindness
and tree frogs.

♪ ...to let it go ♪

Come on.

I would never actually propose

unless I knew the person
was gonna say yes.

FYI--
my dream proposal,

Taye Diggs comes
into Krazy Kakes.

"No Diggity" starts playing
in the background.

I ask him
what he wants to order,

and he says,
"Your tongue in my throat."

Uh, is the proposal part
coming?

Just wait.
It gets super romantic, okay?

So, yeah, like,
we do start making out

for like 10, 15 minutes,
and it is really hot.

But even though
it's super hot...

[ Sighs ]

he doesn't make me feel
the way that you do,

and that's when I know.

And then
he takes off his shirt,

and he's got this
really tight tank top on,

and it says...
"Will you marry me?

Love, Trav."

And I say yes.

So, I'm not even there.

No.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

Thank you for telling me
your dream proposal.

You're welcome.

I figured you might need
to know it someday.

Betty, Jules has something
to say to you.

She's not with you, Chick.

Crap.

Oh.

It's okay. It's okay.
I've got her.

Um, she's just embarrassed
about how she acted

and I'm gonna have to keep her
on my shoulder

or she will probably bolt.

Jules:
Turn me around.

Betty, I'm so sorry.

I do get kind of crazy
when it comes to my dad.

And?

I'm really glad
that you make him happy.

And?

And...
I hope you have good sex?

- Ha!
- Oh, man.

My fault--
One and too many.

Yeah, and there we go.

Is she coming back?

Probably not.
Let's eat.

All right.

[ Clears throat ]

Hey, I'm meeting
my celebrity patient for lunch,

so let's all be cool,
like Big Tom, hmm?

Peace out, chicas.

[ Sighs ]

I wonder who the celebrity is.

No one, 'cause he made it up.

Why don't you ease up
on the fries there?

I know I told you
when we get older

we'll ditch our husbands
and run away together,

but I am not gonna do that
unless you keep your bod tight.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, please.

There's not that many gals
in this town.

I think I'll be fine.

Holy crap.

Hey, Tommy.

Hi.

I just have to say this.

You are stunningly beautiful.

Thank you.
So are you.

- Thank you.
- And I love this jacket.

It's really cute on you.

Oh, thanks.

So nice to meet you.

[ Chuckles ]
You too.

All right, that's enough.

Yeah, you calm down
and you go have lunch with Tom.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Keep walking, stretch.

This one's taken.

Really?

What's the big deal?
When I was younger,

I was almost
a super-model.

Were you two feet taller?

I could still have
a growth spurt, you don't know.