Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 1 - American Dream Plan B - full transcript

Jules vows to not drink wine during Laurie's pregnancy but can't get anybody to join in. Travis regrets seeking parenting advice from Grayson.

It's beautiful.

So sweet.

So innocent.

So--
Trav, look out!

Why do you keep doing that?

Once you and Laurie have a kid,

you have to be ready
for anything.

Now, if this were a real baby,
it would be dead.

I'd like to think,
if it were a real baby,

you wouldn't fire it
across the room.

Jules, relax.



This baby is not coming
anytime soon.

I mean, you can't even tell
that I'm pregnant yet.

Mm.

And the great news is...
That's not gonna change.

Oh, man, that's priceless.

Every first timer thinks

that somehow she'll defy
the odds and keep her figure.

By the time month eight
rolls around...

Fe, fi, fo, fum.
What? Fat.

Even pregnant, the Keller girls
always hang on to their bods.

Okay,
my cousin Tina kept it so tight,

she didn't even know
she was knocked up

until she dropped
a set of trips

in the movie-theater
snack line,



hence their names Mike,
Ike, and Goobers.

All right.

10 bucks a head says that,
by month eight,

I am still rocking
these tight-ass dresses.

I hate everything!

_

Whatever.

No way!
I miss you more.

Is he talking to Bobby?

Blue polo, really cool shorts.

What are you wearing?

Either that
or he's having an affair.

Please let it be an affair.

Bobby says "Hey" from Georgia.

He's doing really great
in this golf tournament.

Yesterday,
he hit three birdies.

He meant the golf kind, right?

Here comes
the lovely mom-to-be.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

You look beautiful.

You have a radiant glow,
almost an angelic--

Baby socks filled with nickels.

It's my go-to weapon
from juvie.

These are gonna be hitting
the faces

of anyone who pisses me off.

Being pregnant sucks!

I'm gassy.
I'm bloated.

Honey, you just got to focus
on the finish.

You only have one more month.

Just four little weeks, 29 days,
696 hours, 41,000--

I remember when you were just
a wee scamp.

And soon, you'll be a dad.

Who's all grown up?

You're all grown up!
Ooh!

Grayson,
I bet you look good in black.

Feels like a safe bet.

Brand-new
Italian leather.

Got it for me, but, uh,
it's a little big.

Probably wondering
why I bought that.

Allow me to explain.

Just tell your stupid story,
Tom.

I was feeling stagnant.

Wanted a new twist
on "Classic" Tom.

So I tried a couple new looks,

worked up a Scottish brogue.

Even briefly
flirted with a fu-manchu.

Then I realized
what New Tom really needed.

Bacon?

A pet pig.

I got the idea
from George Clooney.

I call him "Sniglet."

Sniglet the piglet.

Don't act like
it's not adorable.

Plus, I-I remodeled my garage
to this cool bar setup,

so I figure we'll hang out here
all the time.

I'm leaving,
and I'm never coming back.

Whoa!

Was that expensive?

Uh, very.

You're not very good
with your hands, are you?

No, my t-ball coach
diagnosed me

with a terminal case
of the dropsies.

Why?

A month from now,
you're gonna be holding

a fragile infant life
in your hands.

Do you think
it's gonna be a problem?

Babies' heads are soft.

So hot,
and there's nowhere to sit.

Why'd you make me come here,
Jules?

To show you something.

You know, Laurie, there are
a thousand terrible things

about being super pregnant,

but there's also one
amazing thing.

Now, when a woman has this,
she can do anything.

Ellie!

Show her how a pregnant woman
gets a table.

Oh, no. Ohh.

Ohh. I'm sorry.
I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh!
That was amazing.

Ow.
I can do stuff like that?

When I was super pregnant,

I used to just walk
into strangers' houses

and take stuff.

I broke into
a Little Debbie truck,

ate my weight in Nutty Bars,

and fell asleep
on some Zebra Cakes.

Oh, hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-- I'm really,
really pregnant.

Yeah.

Oh!

This is amazing!

Imaginary hat.

Imaginary maracas.

W-what are we doing?

So dumb.

"The Hulk isn't strong enough
to beat up Superman.

But two Hulks?
Perhaps."

Those are your thoughts.

'Cause you're a nerd.

Hey, what is it?

Can I be trusted with a kid?

What are you talking about?

I'm a total goof.

Crap reflexes, clumsy hands,
zero coordination.

I'll clean that.

I actually get it.

I remember the first time
I held my daughter.

Yes, I have a daughter.
I found out three years ago.

Her name is Tampa.
How come no one remembers that?

I visit her every weekend.

I have a phone
filled with pictures.

Of your own abs?

Don't look at that.
It's...

The point is, I can help you.

We just need
to boost your confidence

with a little baby practice.

Congratulations, dad.

A word of caution.

Her favorite food is fingers.

Mmm.

What do you think you're doing?

Pretty much anything I want...

...officer... ma'am.

First, I get stripped
of my pregnancy powers,

and now I have to pay
a citation.

All right, I got this.
It's fine.

I am miserable.

Okay, I can't sleep,
I pee when I sneeze,

I've got so many tiny little
stretch marks on my ass

that it's starting to look like

a diagram
of the Japanese alphabet.

I have that, too.

Honey, we're all here for you.

No, you're not!
And I'm suffering alone!

And worst of all,
I can't do that.

I can't drink.

And it just makes me so mad
that I want to--

You know what?

All right, wait.
I can fix this.

Until you have your baby,
none of us will drink.

You would do that for me?

Yes?

Jules. Aww!

I just can't believe

that you guys are giving up wine
to support me.

Well, Laurie,
that's what friends do.

They support each other.

Oh...

No matter what.

Jules, I adore you,

and I love how devoted you are
to your friends.

That being said,
this idea is horse crap!

I'm with Tom.

"Things Ellie never says."
Am I right?

All right, guys,
I know this is gonna suck.

But we have to do this for her.
She needs us.

Rotten, stinking horse crap.

All right, I repeat.
We're doing this for our friend.

How are we gonna go
a whole month without wine?

Cheating.

Listen, we just need a place
where we won't get caught,

a place that no one
will look for us,

a place so utterly detestable

that no sane person would ever
consider going there.

What brings you guys
to my place?

You know,
instead of pouring it out,

you could just not drink it.

Are you wearing a babybjorn?

Dad practice.
Got to go.

For a new dad,
danger is everywhere.

I'm gonna open your mind
to that danger

and teach you...
to see.

Gulfhaven is a system, Trav.

Whoa. Hey!

And that system is your enemy.

Look around.
What do you see?

Teachers? Lawyers?

People with so much
on their minds

that they are oblivious to you.

You have to understand
that these people

are so hopelessly consumed
with their own lives

they will walk
straight through you

and never realize
that you are holding a child.

Were you listening to me, Trav?

Or were you looking at the man
in the red suit?

- I was--
- Look again.

- Aah!
- Free taco at Señor Casa.

Thank you.

Why'd you do that?

I want a taco.

Tom, if we're gonna drink here,
we can't get caught.

What are our defenses?

Uh, well, my garage
is completely soundproof.

Terrifying.
Continue.

A-and over there,
we could use a secret knock.

Wakow!

Um, it's just like a speakeasy.

Which is why we should wear
'20s gear.

Tom.

This is the coolest
you've ever been.

- Yeah!
- Not necessarily a compliment.

Okay.

Is this place always this lame?

I don't remember it
sucking this much.

Ugh. I'll tell you
what I don't miss-- wine.

Honey, are you holding
an imaginary glass?

No.

These are just my, um--
my Lego guy hands.

- Oh!
- You know? Yep.

I love that.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Look, the days do get long
without the wine,

but you find ways
to pass the time.

Rubber-band balls, you know,
seeing how high you can count,

following Tom on Twitter.

It's just so amazing
that you are doing this with me.

Giving up wine
for a whole month?

Maybe more!

I mean, if this baby is late,
it could be, like, five weeks.

One day over and I will pull
that baby out myself!

I'm just kidding. God!

Well, I better go
to the bathroom.

Silly.

Okay.

This is Berries,
and I'm on a toot.

One more jorum and we're
a half-seas over!

Hello, Jules!

Damn it, Tom.

Jules, how'd you find us?

Turns out that Bobby
doesn't know how to text

and think at the same time.

"Hey, J-Bird. How's that secret
bar in Tom's garage?

Oh, wait.
Jules doesn't know about that.

Shoot.
I better not press 'send.'"

He tries so hard,
bless his heart.

You have a choice.

You can either crush us,
or you can join us.

Give in to the grape.

Never.

- Submit.
- I made a promise.

- Break it.
- I won't.

- You're weak.
- I'm strong!

Oh.

No?

Ohh.

What was that?

Wow.

Gulfhaven Plaza--

a normal day, a normal scene.

Nothing to fear here, right?

Wrong!

Didn't let me answer.

I was gonna say "Wrong".

Oh, okay.
Partial credit.

Hidden
baby danger is everywhere.

A dad must be able to find it.

So, tell me--

What do you see?

I don't know.
People shopping.

Shopping?
Come on, man.

You've got a child.
You need to focus.

Now, what do you see?

I just see the plaza.
I'm sorry.

- I can't do this.
- No, no, no.

Just-- Trav, Trav, Trav.
L-listen to me, okay?

Look, in a few weeks,
this won't be a pig.

It will be a child.

And that child's gonna need you
to keep it safe.

Okay, so, now imagine
you're holding your baby.

And look out there now
and tell me...

What do you see?

Texting jogger.

Bad skater.

Shaky ladder.

Dog off a leash.

And a waiter who misjudged
his ability

to handle too many glasses.

Oh!

I did it.

I can see.

Whoa.
Where's your baby, Trav?

My baby!

My baby!
I lost my baby!

No, he's...
His baby is a pig.

Uh, no.
An actual pig.

Not a child that's so ugly
we don't need to find it.

I didn't...

Excuse me.

I feel like I've completely
betrayed someone I love.

On the other hand,
secret wine bar!

G-Man!

You guys are running
a speakeasy?

You can be mad,
or you can drink.

Oh, okay.

Mmm!

Oh, so, Tom.

What might a fella do,
hypothetically,

to track down a tiny, helpless,
missing baby pig?

You lost sniglet?

I can't believe it.

A minute ago,
everything was great.

I was Mr. Popular, Dr. Fun,
Tweeting out bar pics.

Everyone thought I was cool.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Wait a minute, Tom.

You've been Tweeting pictures
of this?

Yeah. So?

Oh, hey, guys.

- Nickel socks!
- We're trapped!

Laurie, let's talk about this.

No more talking.

Please!

They made me do it!

You wouldn't hurt Old Tom,
would you?

I can't believe I lost my baby.

What does that say about me
as a dad?

Should've worn a condom.

I can get the pig back.

What?

But after I do this,
we are never to speak of it.

I grew up on a farm.
It's something you pick up.

- We know.
- Fine. Who cares?

Soo-o-o-ey!

My baby!

Looky!

Not one word.

Now for you.

You have every right to be mad.

The nickel assault
felt a little excessive.

You said
that you could fix this.

Well, I was wrong.

I can't fix it, Laurie.
Nobody can.

You're eight months' pregnant,
and that just sucks.

I'm sorry that you are
suffering right now,

but that's just the way it is.

You're gonna have to put on
a brave face

and power through this

because that's what it means
to be a mom.

Tough love from Jules.

Maybe it's what I needed.

I'm sorry I've been
so whining and miserable.

Jules to the rescue, as always.

Mom, we'd be totally helpless
without you.

We're just so lucky

that you're always there
to fix everything.

And, I mean, we know
that if there's something

that we can't handle
with this kid,

we can always lean on you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

I just--
I need some air.

Wine isn't as good without
the fear of being caught.

Where's the rush?

Look at the little piggle.

Hey, you found your pig baby.

- So, how'd your training go?
- Pretty good, actually.

Grayson taught me
to see like a dad, so...

Dime eyes?
What does he know?

Oh, wait.
He has a kid.

Hey.
You guys seen Jules?

No.

Where'd she go,
and who's she with?

I mean, we're all here,
Laurie's gone home to rest,

and, well,
we don't like anybody else.

Is she alone?

No.
Jules hates to be alone.

Oh, unless...

I totally forgot he had a kid.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, whatever happened to Barb?

I figured that this was
a good place to be alone.

Wow, you look spooked.

Is this about Trav and Laurie?

Well, that and I looked inside
Bobby's cooler.

- Spiders?
- Fighting a scorpion.

- Ooh.
- Okay, go ahead. One peek.

That's so awesome.

Look at them.
Like, "I'm gonna get you."

"No, you're not. I--"

Lay it on me.

I'm totally here for you, babe.

Those two lean on me
for everything.

And if they can't handle it,

I'm gonna be the one
raising the baby.

It was really hard the first
time, and I was younger then.

I can't imagine being 40
and having an infant.

You're not 40.

Did that feel helpful?

No.
I have no idea why I said it.

Look, Jules.

Whatever happens here,
you're not gonna be alone.

Although I might not be
an expert,

I have picked up a few parenting
tricks along the way and--

Do not tell me
you forgot I have a kid.

No.

No, I totally remember, um...

Tampa.

That she lives in Tampa, right.

Look, Jules.

There's a good chance you're
right about Trav and Laurie,

but there's also a chance
that they step up

and surprise all of us.

I mean, think about it.

Where you ready to be a mom
when you got pregnant?

I took my pregnancy test in
the bathroom at Wrestlemania.

Right, but now you've moved on

from your
completely insane life,

and, well, you've become
the best mom I know.

Okay?

So whatever we have to do
to make this work,

I promise you...
we will, Jules.

Mm.

I hope so.

Is there anything that would
cheer you up right now?

♪ show me where the love
has gone ♪

Super-pregnant dance party.

Whoo!

♪ try to leave my heart alone ♪

♪ super-pregnant dance party ♪

I love you so much.

Are you talking to me
or Skyping with Bobby?

- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ I'm gonna tell you
how I feel ♪

It's ridiculous.

I'm down for a little PDA,
but this is too much.

Okay, I think you're good
on kisses for now.

You're gonna see her
next weekend.

Okay.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.

- Bye.
- Say "Bye."

Bye.

That's a cute kid.

Yeah, she really is.

How do you uh...
know her?