Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 9 - Too Much Ain't Enough - full transcript

Whoa!

This commission check

from one of the houses I sold
last week

is way bigger than I thought.

It's like free money.

Mm, one of the perks

of working in the world's
oldest profession.

You think that real estate is
the world's oldest profession?

- Because--
- Of course she does, 'cause it is.

Yes.

Um, tell me, Jules.



Is it tough

working in the world's
oldest profession?

It can be a grind.

There's a whole lot of people
out there looking to screw you.

I imagine you'd want
to be flexible...

- Yeah.
- ...for your clients.

Anything to put
a smile on their faces.

Would you say that you've
satisfied hundreds of clients?

Probably half the town.
[ Chuckles ]

I've been doing this so long

that some of my clients
are now sending their kids.

[ Chuckles ]

Jules, you are so much fun.

Thank you.



You know,
when he gets old enough,

send Stan my way.

I'll take care of him.

[ Laughs ]

I don't want to play anymore.

What are we playing?

_

[ Sighs ]
Hey.

You might need
a new bag, Bobby.

Maybe one
that doesn't look like

you've been smuggling lizards
into the country.

What is that thing held together with?
Chewing gum?

Also twine, duct tape,
and a few well-placed staples.

Do you want a bag loan?

I just got hit
with a check so big

they're gonna change my name
to Limousine.

I had a cousin named Limousine.

Not 'cause she was rich.

She used to pick guys up
at the airport.

For sex.

Thanks for spelling it out.

Jules, do not get crazy
with this commission check

and do that thing

where you try to double
your money overnight.

[ Scoffs ]
I don't do that.

That wasn't you who drove to
Biloxi with your last tax refund

and a copy of "The Beginner's
Guide To Blackjack"?

Dr. Dennis
"Double-Down" Brown

knows the tricks to beat
the casino at their own game.

You also spent $2,000
trying to start that boy band.

Hey, if Travis' genie pants
hadn't have fallen off,

we would have crushed
that mall audition.

Yeah, the Magic Carpet Boyz

could never really recover
after that, huh?

No boy bands, no casinos.

You're gonna sit down with Andy
and have a meeting,

and he's gonna put you
in a low-risk,

conservative investment.

Pbht!

♪ Rub my lamp, girl,
set me free ♪

What?

That would have been a big hit.

[ Chuckling ]
Hey. Trav.

Hanging with the friends.

How much is he paying you?

[ Chuckles ]

Guys, this is Grayson.

He owns the place.

Grayson, my new work peeps.

Oh, the Coffee Bucks bros.

Looks like one of your bros
wears a bra.

Don't single me out by gender.

Orion: Do you have
any local craft brews?

Something with pumpkin?
Chocolate?

Gross.

But if you're hungry,
my tater skins are a win,

my cheddar poppers are topper,

my chicken fingies rule
the school.

This place has
an airport chili's vibe.

What's your wi-fi
password?

Wi-fi?
This is a bar.

If you say so.

You guys pick something out,

and the first round
is on the hizzy.

Actually, I think
we're gonna head out.

Oh. That's cool.

You know, I'll catch you

up on the flip side, girl.

[ Chuckles ]

What does he want me to do?

Later, Grayson.

And this fixed-income
mutual fund

consistently yields
upwards of--

get ready-- 4%.

Come on!

Oh, Andy,
isn't there any part of you

under
that stiff-collared shirt

that wants to invest
in something exciting?

Okay, all right, all right.

There is this new
high-tech mutual fund

that claims a 6% return!

What if I were to show you

a little something
that I've been working on?

Yeah, this is something
that will make a fortune.

Everyone has some crazy,
million-dollar,

change-the-world idea.

But in reality,
what happens is that--

Oh, we're doing this!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

[ Clears throat ]

What's going on, guys?

[ Laughter ]

What?

That bag is so nice,

and it's just not you.

You look like a bear
that stole a picnic basket.

Or, like, in a movie
when they dress up a chimp

in a bellhop's costume.
[ Chuckles ]

I can do better than that.

You look like a caveman
who found something

that fell
out of a time machine.

- [ Both laugh ]
- That's good.

Oh, hey, babe, I'm gonna grab
a beer with the work crew.

It's Orion's name day.
You want to hang?

No, it's okay. I got to get
back to work anyway.

Plus, those guys
are too cool for me.

I can't handle

people with perfect vision
that wear glasses.

- All right.
- Bye.

Beers with the bros, huh?
I'll line 'em up.

They're not coming here.

We're going to this new
speakeasy place.

It doesn't have a name, and you
need a password to get in.

I'll bet the password
is "lame"!

[ Scoffs ]

If you get tired of drinking

pumpkin beer in Coolsville,

come on back here
to a real bar.

Yeah, come on, Trav.

We can share
a basket of fingies.

I'm not a big fingie guy.

Ellie: I got it.

Bobby, you're "Lost his job

but still hanging onto the bag"
Ken doll.

Yeah.

Dang.

[ Laughing ]
It's gonna be great!

Hey. Oh!

Ah!

I just remembered
the best Bobby insult.

You look like Nick Nolte
delivering a ransom payment.

- [ Both laugh ]
- How'd the meeting go?

Did you find a smart,
conservative investment?

Better.
[ Chuckles ]

What'd you do?

Boom!

You bought
a whatever-that-is?

No, I bought 5,000
of whatever that is is.

The Guzzle Buddy!

At first, I said, "Chug Buddy,"

and then you said,
"Guzzle Chug,"

[Laughs] And then I mated
those two into "Guzzle Buddy"!

Oh, are you calling the news?

No, I just told Bobby

he was the dumbest person
I know,

so I have to call
and apologize.

So, Andy's investment talk
was all

[Mockingly] funds
and percentages

and mutual hedgehogs.

But then I hit him with this.

Is that a piece
from a meth lab?

The Guzzle Buddy takes
your wine bottle

and turns it into...

your wine glass.

This is my fault for pairing
Miss "Get Rich Quick"

with Mr. "If Someone I Like Gets
Excited, I Get Excited Too."

You're like a golden retriever.

This is the real deal.

Do you think
everyone was like "Ooh!"

The first time Steve Jobs
held up an iPhone?

Yes, I do!

Well, you'll see

when we're the top-selling
Christmas item.

- Of all time!
- Yeah!

[ Both chuckle ]

We're gonna triple our money,
like, times 1,000.

I'm sorry, did you say,
"Our money"?

I invested, too. 50/50 partners.
How could I pass it up?

Let's see.

Stand up
and walk out of the room.

Say "No."

Call your
not-stupid wife.

Cover your ears
and say, "La, la, la, la."

She won't be "La, la, la"ing

when she's riding around
on our yacht.

[ Laughs ]
Guzzle Buddy.

So excited.

- To our yacht.
- Mm.

Ugh!

Is the parking lot possum back?

Why are you going
all Uncle Frank on your bag?

Who's Uncle Frank?

He's my uncle from Tallahassee

who had a thing
for bludgeoning.

You know, there's a documentary
about him on Netflix.

Hey, listen, I felt bad
that we laughed at your bag,

so I came by to apologize.

Oh, no.
You guys were right, man.

This thing's too new.

That's why I'm trying
to beat it up a little.

Good idea.

Once it's weathered,
it'll be a total Aunt Marge.

It's my aunt who got stuck
in a tanning bed for 12 hours.

Her face is like
the back seat of a Porsche.

I've been beating this thing up
for, like, an hour,

and I can't put
a scratch on it.

Want to give it a shot?

But keep the hammer.

I'm gonna go "girl fight"
on this one.

- Yeah.
- Aah!

Yeah!

Yeah, take that, bitch!

You think
you can look at my man?!

Oh! Oh!

Ha!

Told you.

This bag is going down.

Huh! Haaaa!

This place is weird.

Why are we here?

Well, I'm here because
I own a bar

and I want to check out
the scene.

You're here because

you saw me walking
and followed me.

I was afraid if I asked to come,
you'd say no.

[ Chuckles ]

Since when did the Pringles guy
become a style icon?

I thought it was
"Mario Brothers" chic.

[ Glass thuds ]

Grayson?
What are you doing here?

[ Chuckles ] You know,
just illin' and chillin',

checkin' out the competish.

There's supposed to be
a room in the back

where drinks are half off

and they project French
new-wave cinema onto the wall.

Yeah?

Well, if you find it,

let me know
so I can not go there!

[ Chuckling ] I mean, it's--
what's with this 1920s vibe?

It's like, extra, extra!

There's a party
over at Gatsby's house!

♪ Do the Charleston, yeah ♪

I just had a hot-lather shave
in the men's room.

This place is the bee's knees!

Who's this guy?
He's so tall and random.

I'm Tom.

Classic. We should
take him with us to Coachella.

Well, I can't hear anything
over all this accordion music.

What do you say we take
this party back to my bar?!

Who's with me?!

Tom?

Uh, I'm gonna stick.
I dig the vibe.

People look like they work in
the engine room of the Titanic.

So random.

Thanks for coming over
for wine, everyone.

To the place we go every day
and do exactly that?

No problem.

Yeah, but, uh,
what's with the empty glasses?

Empty glasses?
What the heck?!

Andy, can you pour me
a glass of wine?

Coming right up, Jules.

Oh! Again?!
What a mess!

And what a waste of time!

There's got to be a better way.

I already need another one!

Another?

I'm still busy cleaning up
the mess from the last time!

Has this ever happened to you?

Not once in my entire life.

Is this some sort
of performance piece?

Pouring wine is such a chore.

The clean-up,
the time wasting.

Ow! Wine wrist!
[ Gasps ]

And the injuries!

But those days are over,
thanks to...

Oh, my God.
They're doing an infomercial.

- Guzzle Buddy!
- ...Guzzle Buddy!

What's a Guzzle Buddy,
and how does it work?

Well, there's two easy steps.

You just plug it...

- And chug it!
- ...and chug it!

If this is being filmed,
I have to tell my agent.

Mm.

So, the next time you're hosting
a shower or wedding

or simply hanging out
with your friends, remember...

Pouring is boring!

- Guzzle Buddy!
- Guzzle Buddy!

Are they pretending
to be freeze-framed?

We are married to these two.

[ Laughing ]
This is really cool.

[ Both grunting ]

Ugh!

It's been a long time since
I hit someone with a shovel.

[ Grunts ]

Not a scratch.

Damn it.

That's it.

- I'm going mobile with this thing.
- Do it!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Take that, you rat bag!

[ Tires squeal ]

[ Sighs ]

No way!

Come on, man!

I drove this thing
through the car wash!

Wish I would have
had a jump suit

made out of this material
in juvie.

Hey, Tom.
What do you think?

Still the best torso
in Gulfhaven.

Best in town? [ Chuckles ] Thanks.

But I meant the new Gray's Pub.

Check it out.

New communal computer.

Password is "grays."

And digital jukebox.

The second a hip song comes out,
we got it.

[ Dubstep music plays loudly ]

Hey, I'm just gonna kill this
sweet beat for a little while

so we can hear each other.

[ Music stops ]

[ Chuckles ]

So, I bet Trav and his buddies

won't think
my place is lame now.

Hmm.

What?

Well, I was with Trav
and Azriel and Orion.

We went scarf shopping
and went to a food collective.

Anyway, it's not your bar
they think is lame.

It's you.

Me? Lame?

I'm Grayson!
Captain Cool!

I mean, best torso in town.
You said it yourself.

How could I be lame?

I pieced it together
when Trav said, um,

"Sorry Grayson's
so lame."

[ Music resumes ]

Hey, Andy.

I'm so glad
you came to meet me.

I've got some big ideas
for the Guzzle Buddy.

Number one--
celebrity endorsement.

[ Chuckles ]

Laurie used to have phone sex

with this guy Biv
from Bel Biv Devoe.

Oh, wait. Was it Bel?

Ellie was not as wowed
by our presentation

as we'd hoped she be.

She just doesn't see
the big picture yet.

She wants me to cash out
and get my money back.

- That might be a problem.
- Why?

We still have money left.

We did...

before we bought this!

[ Gasps ]

Still not thrilled?

Just wait!

_

[ Laughs ]

Oh, Jules, you crazy genius!

You did it again!

No, Andy. We did it.

Jules! I can't believe you sunk the
rest of our money into a kiosk!

Kiosk in the best part of town!

The Guzzle Buddy
will sell itself!

We just need people to see it.

I mean, this spot's got
curb appeal, foot traffic.

Two people will tell
two more people.

It's gonna be huge!

Ellie says I feed off of
other people's excitement,

so I don't know
if that's what this is,

but, holy crap, you got me!

If anything, we don't have
enough Guzzle Buddies!

Funny.

I think I told my husband
to cash out of this business,

and yet, here he is
standing in front of a kiosk,

grinning like a 3-year-old that
just discovered his wee-wee.

This spot has curb appeal!
Foot traffic!

Two people tell
two more people!

- We've got Biv!
- Or Bel.

I need to leave

before I burn
that trinket shack down.

[ Both laugh ]

- Hey.
- Hey.

You kill the bag yet?

I have it soaking
in a salt-and-bleach bath,

so, naturally...

it's fine!

Wow.

That thing
is a real Uncle Billy.

That's my uncle
who's been shot 12 times,

but he has no scars.

The bullets are still in him.

He's a pain at the airport.

Bobby, I don't get it.

It's just a bag.
What's the big deal?

Look, it's not about the bag.

When I showed up with
this thing, everyone laughed,

and I know you guys
didn't mean it,

but it just sucks
when a guy like me shows up

with something nice,
that it's a joke.

Okay.

Do you see
the way I am dressed?

[ Chuckling ] Yeah, it's like
a box of melted crayons.

It's awesome.

Well, used to not always
be so awesome.

Believe it or not,
people used to laugh at me.

But you know what I did?
I owned it.

And now this is my look.

I turn heads wherever I go.

Yeah, I've seen you cause
car wrecks.

Bobby, you deserve nice things.

And as soon
as you believe that,

people will see you,
and they will think,

"Wow. Look at that millionaire
walking down the street

with his bag
full of money."

Yeah.
Mr. Moneybag.

I like it.

Ooh.

Digital jukebox.

Hey, you think if I play
the new Miley Cyrus,

I can get back
to this seat in time

before anybody realizes
it was me?

I don't know.

I'd think you'd be more ashamed
being seen talking to me,

given that I'm so lame.

Whoa, wait.
What are you--

That tall, random bastard, Tom,
told me everything!

He's gonna ruin your trip
to Coachella, by the way.

Crap.

Look, Grayson,

I don't think you're lame.
It's just--

Okay, you're a little goofy.

You try too hard.

Sometimes it's like
you're a second... dad.

I'm sorry-- what?

I can't believe
I said it, either.

But, look, dude,
you're married to my mom.

You're always busting my chops,

going out of your way
to act cool.

It's all kind of...
dad-ish.

Trav.

That is kind of...

[Chuckling] awesome.

- It is?
- Yeah.

I mean, you and me,

we've always been,
like, two guys

that just sort of hang out
and give each other a hard time,

but now it's like
we've crossed over into family.

So [Chuckles] what do we do now? Hug?

I'm good.

All right.

Wait a second.

The kid always says
he doesn't want a hug,

and the dad's always like,

"Aw, what? You're too big
to hug your old man?

Now, get over here,
you!"

[ Grunts ]
That's my boy!

[ Chuckles ]
Gotten so big!

The Guzzle Buddy lets you drink

straight from the bottle.

But then no one else
can have any.

I would have to drink
the whole bottle.

I'm not understanding
your problem.

I don't want that much.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.
Um, let's back this up.

The Guzzle Buddy lets you drink

straight from the bottle!

No one wants this.
It's crazy.

You're crazy!

Andy, tell this clown

how many we've sold.

One.

But we've only been out here
eight hours, so...

We've only sold one?

Yeah, some old guy
knocked one off the counter,

so I made him buy it,
but don't worry!

We sell two,
then those two people

will tell two more people.

- It'll be great.
- [ Sighs ]

Andy, you're such
a supportive friend,

which makes you
a terrible business partner.

[ Sighs ]
Ellie was right.

I did it again.

We're gonna have to
shut this down.

You're right.
Go home.

Get some shut-eye.

Be out here
for the morning work rush!

- [ Chuckles ]
- No, honey.

You're such a naive
Guzzle Buddy.

[ Chuckles ]

I wonder how much
a helicopter costs.

We'll never know.

[ Disco music plays ]

Damn.

He looks like a millionaire
carrying a bag full of money.

♪ time to remember
why we're all alive ♪

♪ 'cause party people
need some time to play ♪

♪ at the end of the day ♪

♪ yeah ♪

[ Record scratches,
music stops ]

Guess I pulled it off.

Yeah, you did.

- ? night after night ?
- [ Clicks tongue ]

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

Doing anything fun tonight?

I don't know. Maybe just
head out, grab a beer.

If you need me to pick you up,

you call me,
no matter the time.

I'd rather
pick you up from a party

than the Emergency Room.

Okay.
That was random.

Take care, tiger.

- Your dad is weird.
- [ Sighs ]

Tell me about it.

♪ but you've never had a chance
to look that far ♪

What the hell?

You said
you fell down the stairs.

You're guzzling Pinot?

All right,
I have a confession to make.

- I didn't fall down the stairs.
- Really?

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry
I sucked Andy into this.

It's just, I got so excited,

and he's so sweet
and supportive and passionate.

He's an idiot.

I mean, a devoted idiot,
I'll give him that.

I sold the kiosk
for half of what I paid.

Apparently, people think
it's smarter to rent them.

I'm gonna pay Andy back.

It was never about that.

I just hated seeing you dive

into another
"Get rich quick" scheme.

I mean, you spent
so many years barely getting by,

married to a man who thought

a $9,000-a-year salary
was making bank.

You're not that person anymore.

You're successful.
You're a professional.

You own your own
real-estate business.

And, yet,
you bought a trinket shack

across from that business.

When you say it like that,
it sounds dumb.

When you say it any way,
it sounds dumb.

You know another thing
that's different

- between me and the old Jules?
- Hmm?

Is I have an amazing best
friend who looks after me.

That's true.

Care for a guzzle, buddy?

You know, I have to admit,

this thing is kind of clever.

Right?!

Now I just have to find

4,998 people
who feel the same way.

Shh.
Just guzzle your buddy.

Whoo!
Magic Carpet Boyz!

- Bobby, Trav's solo.
- ? rub my lamp, girl ?

♪ and set me free ♪

♪ we'll ride on my carpet ♪

♪ just you and me ♪

That's it!
Just like we practiced.

Now rub the lamp.

Both sides.

The genie spin!

[ Fabric drops, crowd gasps ]

Trav, your pants.
Your pants!

Oh, boy.
Your genie's out!

Oh!

$2,000 I'll never get back.

Oh, honey.
The hat's way too big, baby.