Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 13 - We Stand a Chance - full transcript

Okay, so this year's group trip,
we agreed to play a game

where the winner would choose
the destination.

Unfortunately, we did not
think it through

when we chose the game,

cul-de-sac crew trivia.

I smoked you, guys!

But a deal's a deal.

Tom, you picked the destination
and we leave tomorrow.

Where we going, Tom?

- Here.
- What?

Nothing beats hanging around
here with all of you!



So I didn't book a trip.
We're going nowhere!

Tom, you're the worst!

- Pbht!
- The worst!

It was meant
as a sweet gesture.

- I thought you'd appreciate the--
- Wrong!

I'm about as popular
as your fourth-grade bully...

Mackenzie Dickinson-Jones.

_

Hey.

You think the old men
wash their feet

before they stomp
on the grapes?

Sorry.

I have a life-insurance
physical today,

so if I can't drink,
neither can you.



I was wondering
why you were eating a salad.

I got two hours to get healthy.

It's like cramming for a test.

I don't think
that's how it works.

Well, good thing
no one asked you.

You know, that doctor

is probably gonna want
a urine sample.

Yeah, so?

Do you remember last night

when you had a giant freak-out
over the idea

that we all might be figments
of Tom's imagination,

then suddenly...
you became totally relaxed?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I dosed your wine
with happy pills.

You spiked my wine?!

I have a physical in two hours!

If I go in there
with happy-pill pee,

my life-insurance rates
are gonna go way up!

White-people problems--
am I right?

There's only one
responsible thing to do.

I need your sample.

If I took the time
to mortar-and-pestle

two dozen pills, I had some.

But I will take back
my tupperware.

Well, my pee
is super clean, honey.

Works for me!
Fill 'er up!

If I don't have to pee,
then I get to drink wine!

They say a glass of wine a day
is healthy.

Bull's-eye!

I win, liver-lips.

That dart board
was a great idea, G-man.

There's nothing
like sucking down brews

and tossing around
tiny, little metal spears.

Definitely.

It's the off-season
for my hockey league,

and I really miss
being competitive.

I got an idea.

I been hanging out
at this new gym,

you know, to shower and to
borrow those giant rolls of TP.

But they got this
two-on-two basketball league,

and I could sign us up.

Ooh!
Sign me up. I am in!

Oh! Get that out of there,
sucker!

This is my house!

- Get that weak crap out of here!
- Yes, sir.

Well, it sure would be great
if I wasn't surrounded by jerks!

Whoa, Ando, what's wrong?

Sorry, I've just been doing
really terrible at work.

I'm scared
I'm gonna get laid off.

My boss posted
a ranking of everyone's

performance numbers
for the month.

- Did you come in last?
- They forgot to put me on the list.

I need to bring in
a new, big-money investor soon,

or I'm in trouble.

White people's problems--
am I right?

Yes, sir!

Have you been exercising?

I'm wearing
my workout clothes, so... duh.

And how many drinks
do you have per week?

I'm sorry. What?

Alcoholic drinks.
How many per week?

Uh, you know,
I have the occasional

glass of wine with my friends.

All that's left
is to get a urine sample.

Okay, well,
I'm ready to make one,

you know, from my body.

You just tell me where I can go
to pee my own pee.

Bobby Cobb. We're here for basketball.

You mean break dancing.

Uh, no, I signed up
for basketball.

No, you signed up
for break dancing.

Ma'am, clearly, I didn't.
I said--

Shoot.

Maybe I shouldn't
fill out forms

while I'm washing
three puppies in the sink.

Uh, can we get a refund, then?

- No refunds.
- This stinks.

Geez.
I'm sorry, G-man.

I know you were looking forward
to some competition.

Take it easy, old man.

Hey, man, what's up?

Uh we're only 44, FYI.

"Old man." That's a laugh.

Yo, I think you forgot
your walker.

Ohh!

Uh I will have you know

I did a little breakin'
back in my day,

so you just might want
to watch your step

before I bust a sweet move
in your face.

Ohh!

- "In your face."
- Okay. That's it.

It's a break-off--

me and my boy
versus you and your crew.

It is on.

- Ooh.
- But not now.

It's not on yet,
because we have to stretch first

and then work out our routine,

and then when we come back
after that, it's on.

Yeah!

- Oh, what have I gotten us into?
- I do not know!

Either of you got a few
hundred grand sitting around?

Absolutely. That's why
I'm wearing this apron.

I need new clients, bad--

preferably millionaires.

When I was
a broke-ass foster kid,

my favorite thing
was playing millionaire!

I was Buffy McRichDollar,
world-famous model,

actress,
make-out champion,

part-time co-host
of Entertainment Tonight,

and on-again, off-again
girlfriend of Ricardo Montalban.

Wait. That's it!

You and Trav can come in,

pretend to be a rich couple
who wants to invest with me!

Come on.
Who's gonna believe us as rich?

Because of the internet,
most of today's millionaires

are snot-nosed punks,
just like you!

What do you say, babe?

Will you marry me
and my millions of dollars?

Oh, Travis, yes!

Yes, a thousand times yes!

My career's hit bottom.

I'm so glad my physical's done.

Being healthy was rough.

You mean putting on gym clothes
and eating half a salad?

Yeah! It was terrible!

Mmm.

Mm, there's my doc now.

What's up, doc?

I got the test results
from your physical,

and everything looks good.

No surprise there!
I'm a total health nut.

Uh, there is one thing,
however,

and, uh, I was a little
surprised to see it,

so I re-tested and, uh,
got the same result.

Uh, thank you.

What is it?
Is everything okay?

I'm pregnant.

You're not pregnant.

He wasn't testing
your sample, remember?

Oh, my God! Wow.

That is such a relief!

- Whew!
- But...

Laurie's pregnant!

Okay.
Let's break this down.

Laurie's pregnant.
Trav knocked her up.

She's pregnant
with Trav's child.

Well, assuming it's his.

Which, obviously, it is.

I mean, Laurie is
a very classy girl.

Hold on to your honks, ladies.

We got big news.

Bobby and I just--
get this--

challenged a bunch of kids
to a break-dance contest!

But G-man here's
teaching me.

He was a member of a real,
live breaking crew.

He-- he taught me how to robot.

Laurie and Travis are pregnant.

You two look like
a couple of asses right now.

Whoa, Jules, you sure?

Yes. I had a container
of Laurie's pee.

That's not the point.
Yes, I'm sure.

And Trav and Laurie
have no idea,

and I have no idea
how to tell them.

We have to keep this quiet
until I can tell them,

so only the four of us
can know.

Tom?

I can keep a secret.

Thanks again for doing this.

I really need
to convince my boss

that I can bring in
some big-time clients.

Let's talk about
your characters.

In order for this to work,

you must believe
you are these people.

- Laurie, what's your name?
- I-I don't-- I just got this.

- That's no excuse! What's your name?
- Brittany Huffington.

- From?
- Toronto.

- Former?
- Beauty queen.

- And?
- Weather girl.

- Now? - Enjoys breeding yorkies
and being a trophy wife.

- Travis.
- I am Tavis Crob.

- From?
- Florida.

Spent all your time
on hers, huh?

Made millions from an iPhone app
called Pancake Party?

What is that?

I don't know, but the kids
can't stop buying it.

Well, that's good,
'cause it looks like

my wife could use a new pony!

Oh, Tavis...
you're so good to me.

- Could you give me a moment alone
with my wife? Thanks. - Yeah.

Is this good news,
or is it bad news?

- How are they gonna take this?
- I have no idea!

I know Travis and Laurie care
for each other, but I don't know

how much they've seriously
considered a future together.

How do I break the news?

Break what news to who?

Mrs. Goldstein...
that her husband is gay.

Well, on a happier
relationship note,

Laurie and I
have taken a big step.

We decided to get
pretend-married!

But pretend marriage
is hard work, y'all!

That's why we need to pound
some serious grape.

Jules, what the F-train?

- We're out of wine.
- That bottle's pretty much full.

No, I spit in this one, you know,
'cause I do that sometimes.

Okay, really gross.

Mom, we got to go
raid your closet

because we need to find
a classy purse.

Yeah, all my purses
are either dayglo

or held up in
a police-evidence locker, so...

Shall we, my husband?

- After you, my lovely wife.
- Thank you.

Well, that's a great sign,
right?

I mean, Laurie and Travis
are pretend-married!

Unfortunately, a real child
born into a pretend marriage

is still
technically a bastard...

Oh.

...in case
anyone was wondering.

I was mildly curious.

You know what I just realized?

If Travis has a baby,
that makes me a granddaddy.

And I'll be married
to a grandma...

which makes me a grandpa.

Look at you two-- a pair
of sweet, old grandpappies!

Might I trouble one of you
for a Werther's Original?

Man, a few hours ago,
we were about to throw down

in a breaking competition,
and now we're grandpas.

Grandpas don't belong
in breaking battles.

They're fragile,
and loud music frightens them.

Man, why is my neck so stiff?
I'm so sore.

That would be
joint inflammation,

one of the common symptoms
of growing really old--

also, vision problems,
loose bowels, turkey neck,

growing enlargement
of the mons pubis...

Okay, my boss
will be here any minute.

- You guys ready?
- All set!

Oh, FYI, I made a few tweaks
to my character.

Tavis made millions
on Pancake Party,

but what's next?

I'll tell you what--
moving to New York

to become
a world-class photographer.

Hold the phone, Tavis.

Who in their right mind would
want to live in New York City?

Uh, me.

To be a legit photographer,
it's New York or nothing, so...

Wait a--
wait a second. Sorry.

Are you saying that you,
Travis Cobb--

like, you really want
to move to New York?

- Definitely.
- I want to live in the country.

Right, because there's a ton

of great photography
happening in the country.

"Ma'am, for this next shot,

you mind putting the pig
on your husband's lap?"

Well, I'm not raising our
five kids in New York City.

- Let's keep this to Brittany and-- and--
- Five kids?!

Are you insane?

You think that my dream
for our future is insane?!

Insane, dumb, cliché...

You know what?!
Screw you, Travis!

Why don't you take
your pasty ass to New York?

Hey, knock yourself out!

Wait.
Those are my car keys.

- Have fun walking!
- Hey--

Jules, what's going on?

I didn't know how
to tell Trav and Laurie

that they were pregnant, because
I didn't know how they'd react.

But they're doing
so great--

I mean,
pretend-marriage great--

that I thought, "Well,
this is exciting news!"

So how do you deliver
exciting news?

You do it with a party!

Jules, didn't you get
any of my texts?!

Laurie and Trav
had a huge blowup--

like, "This could be
the end" huge!

Trav's right behind me!
He'll be here any second!

Kill the party.
Everyone grab something.

- I'll grab the wine!
- I got the food!

Ohh, God.

Hey, Trav.
What's going on?

Well, let's see.

Pretty sure
Laurie and I just broke up.

So there's that.

I'll be upstairs.

Sorry.
It's... just really tense here.

I was trying to find
the perfect setting,

and now I just
don't know what to do.

I mean, I know
I have to tell them.

Or--
a different approach--

we hop into a car, drive west,
and never look back.

Don't joke.

I packed my "Thelma & Louise"
bag six years ago.

- Say the word, I'll go grab it.
- No, wait, I can't!

I've got to go find
Laurie and Travis.

Oh, this is gonna be so hard.

We can kiss every time
we cross a state line.

Get out of here, dumb balloons!

You sit around
all day doing nothing.

Why don't you go
make something of yourselves?

Would you stop yelling?

I mean, are you trying
to give me a migraine?

What are you two
being so cranky about?

Ever since we found out
we're gonna be granddads,

we've just felt... old.

Well, you make that sound
like a dirty word.

It just feels like everything
changes now, you know?

Earlier, we were ready
to go get crazy

at a stupid break battle.

Doing stupid, crazy things--
that's what keeps you young.

Age really
is all right up here.

Yeah.

I mean, my moves
are no less dope

than they were
this morning, right?

Crazy, stupid stuff's my middle name!

What do you say, Party Train?

Does this look like a robot?

Beep, boop, beep, my friend.

- Let's do it!
- Let's do it!

Hey, hey, Bubba!

How you holding up?

You want to talk it out?

Oh, uh, thanks, but I don't want
to burden you with this.

I am your grandfather.

My back is genetically
engineered to carry your burden.

Lay it on me.

I guess we should've talked
about this stuff sooner.

I just felt like we would
always be compatible.

What'd you want
to talk to me about?

Let's wait till Travis
gets here, okay?

Oh, here he is.

- Hey, guys. - Hey. So, there's
something I need to tell you both.

Okay, but can it wait?

I need to talk to Laurie
about something first.

Okay.

Look, I hope
you're not still mad.

I mean, it's kind of crazy

we got in a fight
over imaginary stuff.

Honey,
it's not imaginary stuff.

It feels like you and I want
different things in our lives,

and...
that really scares me.

I know. Me too.

I mean, but I was talking
to Chick about...

you know, how I wanted to move
to New York to follow my dream,

and he told me
to imagine my life

exactly how I wanted it,

and then picture it
without you.

I realized

that being a photographer
isn't my dream.

You are.

And it doesn't really matter

how many great things
happen to me.

If you're...
not at the center of it,

it's not gonna mean anything.

I love you, Laurie.

God, Travis...

I love you, too.

Hey, I don't mean
to ruin the moment,

but is this the first time
you've said

"I love you" to each other?

Yes, it is, and yes, you did.

Oh, my God.
This is so exciting! Okay.

It's time to tell you the news,

except for this
is not the right atmosphere.

Okay. Can you just give me
just a minute?

Look who it is.

You guys still want to do this?

Yo... B-nice.

What's up, Party Train?

Why don't you help me
break 'em off

a little somethin' like this?

Ohh!

Ohh!

Yeah!

♪ what is love? ♪

- ♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪
- Ohh! What?!

- No, you didn't!
- Yes, I did!

♪ don't hurt me no more ♪

♪ what is love? ♪

♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪

♪ don't hurt me no more ♪

♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪

♪ don't hurt me no more ♪

♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪

- Yeah! What?! Yeah!
- ♪ don't hurt me no more ♪

Whew!

I hope you enjoyed your meal,
'cause you just... got... served!

♪ with every step you take ♪

♪ Kyoto to the Bay ♪

♪ strolling so casually ♪

Oh, man. They are so
much better than us.

This-- this really is
quite a hearty serving.

♪ it's a shot in the dark,
but I'll make it ♪

Oh.

Oh. Go on.

Sorry to waste your time!

♪ when I am with you,
there's no place I'd rather be ♪

Okay.

I have something to tell you,

but I wanted
the setting to be right.

So, come on.

What's going on?

As you know,
I recently went to the doctor

with a container
of Laurie's pee.

- You don't need to keep mentioning that.
- It's part of the story!

The important part is...

Laurie, you're pregnant.

♪ the earth is warm... ♪

Sh-- she's pregnant?

I know it's a shock,
but please know

that we will always be there
to love and support you

with anything that you need.

You guys okay?

I feel like I just got hit
in the face with a 2x4--

and yes, I know
what that feels like.

I love you.

And, uh...

right now,
I honestly don't think

there's anything
we can't handle together.

Me too.

♪ I feel like I am watching
everything from space ♪

- Kiss, kiss, kiss!
- Yeah!

Yeah!

This is exciting.

Yeah, I'd be more excited if
I knew a friendly millionaire.

What about me?

You're a millionaire?

Well, I'm a brain surgeon,

and my largest personal expense
is doll clothes.

Tom... let's talk.

How you feeling, sweetheart?

- I'm terrified.
- That's understandable.

So I will just tell you
the same thing

I told you when you found out
you were pregnant 22 years ago.

It's gonna be okay.

Your family loves you,

and we'll always be
right by your side.

And, believe it or not,
there may come a day

when you look back
and realize that this was

the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Tommy!

Congratulations.

You're the smartest dad ever.

I agree.

I love you.

I love you, too, Junebug.

Or should I say grandma?

Let me get you a glass of wine.

Yeah, give me a big one.

What does that make you--
great-grandpa?

Great. Just great.

♪ so take a deep breath, take in
all that you could want ♪

Oh, that was
an eventful year, everyone.

Oh, it sure was.

I broke my wrist catching Trav
and Laurie in the shower.

- That was no towel rack.
- And I got puppies!

And then we made out

to get Stan
into private school.

Oh, that was hot!

And now Chick has moved in,

and Trav and Laurie
are gonna have a baby.

That's too many
people in the gang.

Somebody has to go.

Well, I nominate Dime Eyes!

- Okay.
- Okay.

Change approved!

Ohh, now I have to go get

more whitening strips
and hair gel.

Aah!