Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 12 - Love Is a Long Road - full transcript

Dad, I feel like we need to talk
about what happened.

It was awful.

Grayson and I reached for the
creamer at the same time and

for just a moment
we were holding hands.

I'm talking about you stealing
Bobby's boat

and thinking that he and I
were still married.

Who's Bobby?

Gotcha!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, come on, June-Bug.

Everybody forgets stuff
once in a while, right?



Dad, forgetting
who your daughter is married to

is not a small detail.

So... that's it, then.

Time to walk me out in back
of the barn and shoot me.

I understand.

Come on, dad.
I'm serious.

I don't like you living
at that huge ranch by yourself.

I wish you lived
in the neighborhood,

somewhere close, that I could
come visit you every day.

Well, I suppose it would be nice
not to have to keep up

with all the work
out on the ranch.

And if I was closer,
I could come by whenever I want,

drink your beer
and play slap-a-dope.

What's "slap-a-dope"?



Ohh!

You still got it.

[ Laughs ] I can't believe
the dope fell for it.

- Job well done.
- Oh, good.

All right, June-Bug.
Let's do it.

Start looking for a place for me
in the neighborhood.

Aww, dad!
Thank you!

Oh, that makes me so happy.

Oh, I wish I knew
a real-estate agent.

- But I thought you--
- Gotcha!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, it's only funny
when he does it?

_

I can't believe
Trav's college graduation

is this weekend.

If you could've seen

that drunken,
hair-sprayed beach trash

and the dip-spitting mullet head
who conceived that kid,

you would never
have expected this.

Which one were you?

- I don't remember.
- [ Laughs ]

Okay, are we all set
for the ceremony?

Yes, I've got the tissues,
the camera,

and I'm gonna be walking
with giant crutches

that are actually
hollowed-out wine flasks.

That way,
we get priority seating

and a nice afternoon buzz.

Laurie, I don't think I've ever
said this and meant it, but...

what-what!

This is gonna be so much fun!

What's gonna be fun?

Oh, Trav's graduation ceremony.

What's the story?
What do I have to do?

Nothing. We're good.

Yeah.

So, I guess I'll just be
at the, uh, bar...

if you need me.

See ya.

Hey, will you look over
these sketches for Trav's cake?

Oh, what is this one?

Is this you kissing
Trav's rolled-up diploma?

No, that's--
that's a weird doodle.

I-I don't know
how that got in there.

So, Trav, graduation ceremony
is this weekend.

- Pretty exciting.
- Yep.

What I'm really excited for

is seeing what gift
my dad gives me.

Well, it's gonna be hard
to beat the past gifts.

For your preschool graduation,

he built the Sewer Lair from
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

in our actual sewer.

We played Ninja Turtles
for three hours

and got sick for five months.

Totally worth it.

And then,
for elementary school,

you took me
to my first pro-wrestling match.

We saw Captain Carnage
win the title.

The world champion of
Western Central Florida, baby.

That's a big area!

That match is still one of
my favorite childhood memories.

And for your high school
graduation,

he got a 70-foot inflatable
gorilla with your face on it.

How do you top that?

[ Chuckles ]
Just you wait, Bubbaroo.

This will be
the most epic gift ever.

Well, I got to
get back to work.

But I can't wait
to have my mind blown.

Oh, it's gonna be
blown to pieces, baby!

And those pieces
into smaller pieces! Whoo!

You don't have anything,
do you?

I mean, how do you top
a 70-foot inflatable gorilla?

You can't. I'm screwed.

I finally convince my dad
to move closer,

and I can't find a single house
that's gonna work for him.

Some of these
retirement communities are okay,

but I don't know.

Well, that one looks nice,
and look all the activities--

spinning, water aerobics,
nautilus.

I would be in such killer shape
if I lived there.

I just don't know
if this feels right for my dad.

I mean, I don't know--
he's always been so independent,

and I don't want
to take that away from him.

Yeah, look, it'll work out.

You know,
maybe a great new house

will come on the market
or something.

Or maybe there's even
a conversation to be had

about your dad
coming to live with us.

Retirement communities, huh?

I had my first "encounter"
at one of those.

I was in med school,
volunteering,

and Martha was having
her retirement party.

Took me by the hand,

led me out
to the shuffleboard court.

Let's just run.

Hey, Ellie.
What are you doing here?

Um, I'm just seeing if Jules
wanted to grab some lunch.

Are those the, uh,

graduation designs
for Trav's cake?

Yeah.

I wanted to do
a giant cake of his face,

but I couldn't figure out how
to get his dimpled chin right.

[ Gasps ]
Wait a minute!

I've done
baby-shower cakes before.

I can use my baby butt mold!

It is amazing to watch
a true artist at work.

You're like Michelangelo.

Mnh. I think you mean
Mikey Angelo,

the guy from Pizza Palace.

But that guy is a hack.

Yeah, goat cheese on pizza?

It's not 1985,

and your name's
not Wolfgang Puck.

So, uh, you and Jules
seem pretty busy

with this graduation stuff.

Yeah, it's been pretty crazy,
but a lot of fun.

She and I are--

Wait a minute.

You feel left out.

Trav's graduation
is such a big deal for Jules,

but you're on the sidelines.

Have I passed you
as Jules' best friend?

Oh, please.

Jules and I
have been best friends

for a million years.

She cut Stan's umbilical cord
when Andy passed out.

And when she and I kiss,
we kiss on the lips.

Oh. Mm. Okay.

Laurie, we forgot to schedule
our manis and pedis.

We'll never get an appointment
this late.

Well, it's a good thing
I thought ahead and booked us

[Singsong voice]
a spa day!

Laurie, you're the best!
I love you!

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Oh!

Hey, Ellie.

Hi.

Chick.
It's good to see you...

with suitcases, moving boxes,

and a... grocery bag
full of hard candies?

Jules: Surprise!

We did it!

I told dad what you said
about him moving in,

and he said yes!

What?

To show my gratitude,

I will allow you to hug me.

Aww, he's just shy!
Get in there, honey!

Oh, yeah, there you go!

Come on,
you dumb son of a bitch.

The show's been on
for 30 years.

Answer in the form
of a question!

[ Chuckles ]
How amazing is this?

It's perfect!

Yeah, I don't know
about perfect, but...

Of course it is!

And it was all your idea.

June-Bug!

Yeah?

Where should I hang Molly?

Did you know some older men's
noses whistle constantly?

Around the clock, never stop.
Why is that?

I think it's just normal wear
and tear, like brakes on a car.

And I don't need to know

when a guy's headed
to the bathroom, okay?

Be discreet.

Don't make a big show

of putting a newspaper
under your arm

and saying
"Anchors away."

Hey, everybody.

Look who it is--
second place.

The silver medal.

Jules' best friend, part 2,
Electric Boogaloo.

You found the one way
to surpass me--

by cozying up to Trav

and banging your way
up the friend ladder.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

- I should have banged you years ago!
- Say what?

Hi. I'm your husband.
Have we met?

I could still do it, you know.

Seduce Trav,
steal him away from you,

and then I could just hump
my way back into first place.

Trav, come here.

Let me show you
how a real woman makes out.

Can I get a shot and a beer?

When an older guy
blows his nose,

it's like an air horn.

And how many times
do you get to use a handkerchief

before you have to wash it?

I'm leaving.

Trav.

You know where I'll be,
don't you?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Bye, number 2!

[ Indistinct talking on TV ]

Oh, Chick.
You're up.

So I didn't imagine
all those farts and sneezes.

Yeah, I'm always up.

What about you?

Oh, sometimes when I need
a little alone time,

I'll pop down here
in the middle of the night,

just me and my guitar--
quiet.

Alone.

- [ Explosion ]
- Boom!

Take that, you Nazi bastards.

Really loving
the History Channel, huh?

I'm watching World War II's
Greatest Explosions.

Next program is gonna reveal
who really killed JFK.

Lee Harvey Oswald?
Acting alone?

That might be the stupidest
damn thing I ever heard.

Jules: Hey!

Late-night hang sesh?

[ Gasps ]
Make room for J-Bird!

Grayson: Well, I actually
just came down here to play

a little guitar.

[ Explosion ]

[ Gasps ]
Take that, you Nazi bastards!

Allied Forces rule!

Oh, yeah!

I'll be out in the shed.

Dad, next, they're gonna tell us
who really killed JFK.

Grayson thinks it was Oswald--
acting alone.

Oh, boy.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, my gosh!
That's so stupid!

Heigh-ho, silver medal.
What are you doing here?

It's 9:00 AM.
You're never up this early.

Just had a coffee craving.
That's all.

Why are you wearing
that sweater?

It's not cold out.

Wait a minute.

That's Jules'
favorite sweater on you.

It's the one she says
makes your boobs pop.

Jules likes this sweater?
I did not realize.

I am just wearing it
'cause it's so comfy cozy.

You're trying to score
Jules points, aren't you?

I'm not.
I'm just having--

Cool it, number 2!

I'm Jules' BFF.

A statement that
if put to song and dance

would sound
something like this.

♪ I'm Jules' BFF! ♪

♪ I'm Jules' BFF! ♪

♪ I'm Jules' BFF! ♪

♪ I'm Jules' BFF! ♪

♪ I'm Jules' BF-- ♪

Man, we had so many great ideas
for Trav's gift.

I can't believe they all
turned out to be impractical.

Ahh, the monkey-filled clown car
was genius.

Who knew it'd be so hard to get
30 monkeys on short notice?

Well, we can't miss
with this idea.

Just get a crapload of fireworks
and light up that ceremony

like it was
Independence Day--

the movie, not the holiday.

Hi, guys.
How you doing?

You got anything that we can
shoot up into the sky

and spell out
"Congratulations, Travis.

We're all so proud of you.
Way to go, buddy"?

Uh, no.

But this one spins on the ground
when you light it.

Yeah, that's not gonna work.
We need something with more pop.

We literally want
to blow people's socks off.

We need to see
the illegal stash.

We'll take all of it!

Stolen police badge, huh?
How much?

Oh, man! You try to up-sell us
with the handcuffs.

That's how they always get you.

[ Indistinct talking on TV ]

Oh. Now you're all into
the History Channel, too?

The Allies are kicking
some serious ass today.

You know, if you really think
about the JFK assassination--

I don't have to.
It was Oswald.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

It's just
that the house now--

it always smells like
liver and onions and cigars,

and the heat's turned up to 90,

and the volume's all the way up
on the TV,

and Chick's
always yelling at it.

Yeah, he is a character.

No, he's annoying!

And why does he always
have to use our bathroom?

'Cause he says
the softer seat helps him

with the strain
of his--

Stop! Stop.
I don't-- Ugh.

I don't understand
why you're so upset.

I mean, yes,
my dad can be a handful,

but you still wanted him
to move in with us.

No! I didn't!

I said we could discuss it,
and then we didn't.

You just went
and made it happen,

and now he's here,
and if I don't put up with it,

I'm suddenly the bad guy!

Exactly.
[ Chuckles ]

Now I am.
I'm-- I'm the bad guy.

[ Toilet flushes ]

Jules!

Dad, I didn't know
you were in there.

Did you just hear all that?

Yeah. I heard.

Where's the plunger?

Dad, I'm so sorry
you had to hear all that.

Grayson didn't mean
what he said.

He complains all the time.

I mean, to be honest,
he's kind of a little bitch.

Please don't be upset.

Don't worry about me.
I got a thick skin.

But I don't want you
to feel unwelcome.

I mean, we both want you here.

Jules, if your husband
wants me here,

he's out of his damn mind.

Your mom's dad--
your grandpa Marty--

he came to stay with us
for a while

when you were a little girl.

Oh, yeah. He used to sit on the
front porsche in his boxers

and eat pickles
and... curse at birds.

Marty was not a bright man.

But having him there with us
made your mom happy,

and I loved her so much,
it was worth it.

You were a great husband.

So is Grayson.

That's why he's making an effort
to put up with me--

because he loves you.

He's pretty amazing, isn't he?

During the time
I've been here with you,

have you told him that?

Well, well, well.
Look who it is.

Cakezilla.

Laurie, I'm so, so sorry.

I should not have smashed
your cake.

Why did you freak out
like that?

I was just giving you
a hard time.

I didn't expect you to go
all silverback on me.

I know. I just think
you touched on a sore spot.

I'm actually not bothered

that you and Jules
have become closer.

I just feel like
she has so many things

going on in her life right now

that I'm not a priority to her.

What-- Are you crazy?
You're always a priority.

Seriously, it goes
"Wine, Travis, you."

And sometime, when Travis
is being really annoying

about some boring
photography thing,

I swear
it's "Wine, you, Travis."

He can be an irritating nerd.

And even if it sometimes
seems like

I might have passed you
on Jules' list,

it's only because
I'm sleeping with her son.

And that's basically cheating.

That's true.

I earned my spot,
and you slutted your way in.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you, Laurie.

I'm sorry
if it was so much to clean up.

Clean it up? No, honey,
I left right after you did.

So we just left her kitchen
covered in cake?

[ Gasps ]

Should we blame Bobby?

- Yes. Done.
- Yeah. Okay.

- Let's get you some wine.
- Please.

Man, I can't believe
we got arrested.

Undercover 5-0, man.

So, Trav's graduating tomorrow,
and I still got nothing.

Well, maybe you're
approaching this wrong.

What's graduation about,
really?

Going to a party
and finally telling

that really cute girl
from your psych class

that you love her and would do
anything to be with her

and laughing
and pretending it was all a joke

when her muscular
Swedish boyfriend walks up?

On the surface, sure,
but it's also a milestone--

a time to consider
not just where you're going,

but where you've been.

It's treasured memories--

birthday parties,
Little League games,

your first kiss,

the taste of grape bubble gum
on Cindy Llewellyn's lips.

It's nostalgia.

I know what to get Trav!
Captain Carnage!

His favorite wrestler!
He lives here in Florida!

I'm gonna track
that son of a bitch down

and get him to graduation!

Right. I don't have much time
to make this happen.

Ando, I need you to keep working
on plan B in case I fail.

I will, Bobby.
I will.

W-what do you want me
to do?

Just keep being beautiful,
baby!

- Hey.
- Oh, hey! Jules!

How'd you know I was here?

Well, whenever we're in a fight

and you don't know
who screwed up more,

you come here,
you get a dozen cupcakes,

and you decide whether you should
give them to me and apologize

or you should eat them yourself
because you're so upset.

[ Sighs ]
I was so conflicted.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna have to do
so many crunches.

Jules, I'm really sorry
I blew up at you.

No, honey.
This is my fault.

I should have
talked to you more

before asking dad
to move in with us.

I just--
I got so excited

at the fact that you said
it was an option

that I started to really believe
that's what you wanted.

I was being selfish.

I do want him
to move in with us.

No, you don't.

And you shouldn't.
That would be crazy.

I mean, it would make me
so happy

to have dad live with us,

but that is not
a good enough reason.

No, you're wrong.
It's the perfect reason.

Jules, making you happy
is more important to me

than anything in the world,

so that's why
we're gonna do this.

That's why
he's gonna move in with us.

Because I love you so much
that I ju--

Mm.

[ Chuckles ]

Jules, people are watching us.

Mm.
I'm so turned on.

- Mm. I don't care.
- Oh, really?

Oh, my God!

Ellie!

Come over here so I can see
what you're wearing today!

You care what I wear?

Of course!
It's Trav's college graduation!

You'll be standing next to me
in every single picture.

- I will?
- Who else would I be standing next to?

My husband?

And when I get so happy
that I have to kiss someone,

- I'm grabbing you.
- Not Laurie?

No!
She's way too aggressive.

It's like putting your mouth

on the nozzle
of a gas-station vacuum.

I'll go get my best outfit.

Something
that makes your boobs pop.

You know, like mine.
[ Chuckles ]

Okay!

Chick:
Well, this is nice,

being here
for my grandson's graduation.

Too bad he's graduating
from art school.

I hear his macaroni-necklace
final was a killer.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, Chick, um...
about what I said...

You were just venting.

And you have every right.
I'm not an easy houseguest.

Well... yeah.
You're a handful.

[ Chuckles ]

But you're family, Chick.
And we care about you.

And I'm glad you're there.

You're a good man, Grayson.
Jules is lucky to have you.

The mafia didn't kill JFK.

- Did so.
- Did not.

So, this side is the red one.

Right is red, left is white.

- Red is right.
- [ Chuckles ]

- Ooh!
- Hey.

- Laurie, take a picture of me and Ellie.
- Okay.

And "Cheese!"

[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Oh, it's a good one.

I think we should call it
"Best Friends Forever."

I like it.

She likes it.

[ Chuckles ]

Thanks for telling me
she was upset.

Of course.
What are best friends for?

- Oh, don't start.
- I'm kidding. Come on. Let's go.

Whew!

Bobby! There you are!
The ceremony's about to start!

I've been to Tampa and back.

I've been in three different
gyms, four different bars,

two Piggly Wigglys,
and an alligator farm,

but I got him!

Captain Carnage, baby!

Thanks for having me.

You know, I have a real respect
for education.

Knowledge is power.

There's a slight problem.

You know,
when I didn't hear from you,

I-I went
with my backup plan.

What was that?

Big Daddy Payne.

- Carnage.
- Oh, you brought BDP?

He and the Captain
are mortal enemies, man.

Oh. Well, they're actors.
It's not real.

Hey, what part
of "Loser leaves town"

don't you understand, BDP?

[ Carnage growls ]
Understand this, Carnage--

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Not if I kick yours first!

Whoa! Oh, whoa!

[ Both grunting ]

BDP! Carnage!
Man, chill out!

They're gonna ruin
Travis' graduation!

Then we have to stop them.

- Yaagh!
- Aaah!

Dad, what--
what's going--

Whoa!

Ando!

Aaaah!

Oh, it is on now!
I'm coming, guys!

[ Growls ]

Got the rifle,
and, yeah, that's hard,

but it's one guy.

It could still--
it could happen.

All right!
Let's do thi--

[ Both grunting ]

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Aaaaaaaah!
Ohhhhh!

[ Glass breaking ] Well, this
ceremony just got so much better.

Aaaah!

Baaaaaaaagh!

Who's next?!

BDP!

[ Growls ]

Is that Big Daddy Payne?

He once signed my boobs
at an auto show.

I saw a lot of these brawls
when I was a kid.

Usually, my mom went home
with the winner.

You two are such white trash.

That's not what I--

I mean,
somebody went to Oswald.

Aaah! Aah!

[ All gasp ]

[ Wrestlers grunting ]

Did you do this?

I just wanted to give you
an awesome graduation present.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry for what?

This is amazing!

- It is?
- Yes!

You tracked down
my favorite wrestlers!

I got to see my dad take a chair
to Captain Carnage's face!

This is your most impressive
gift yet.

[ Chuckles ]

What?!
I gotta get back in there, son.

Happy graduation!

Whoo!

Aaaaaaah! Aah!

Whoo!

Whew! That was
an epic rumble.

A real slobberknocker.

Captain Carnage bit me.

He blew a cloud of chili powder
in my face.

How did he have chili powder
on him?

Was he anticipating a brawl,
or does he just walk around

with chili powder
in his pocket?

We're forming a three-man
pro-wrestling tag team,

aren't we?

We'll call ourselves
The Flying Dandies.

I'm gonna wear a lion's head
around my regular head,

and I'm gonna hail
from the parts unknown!

I'm gonna get a shiv
and stab Captain Carnage.

[ Both laugh ]

Was he talking about
our wrestling team,

or is he actually gonna go stab
Captain Carnage?

Tom?!

Tom! Tom!