Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 11 - Refugee - full transcript

All right, you take one down,
you pass it around

99 bottles of beer on the wall.

Yeah, ***.

All right, now,
let's get these groceries

on the boat.

Boat?

Boat? No.

Boat?
Boat!

_

You know, if they keep making
computers smarter,

then it's only a matter of time
before the computers



realize they're smarter
than us and take over.

Jules, we have to do something.

Definitely!

[ Sighs ]

[ Door opens ] - Hmm...
- Hmm...

Hey, guys.
How'd it go?

I asked the kid to help me
clean out my garage,

I do all the work,
and he noses around,

looking for
vintage collectibles.

Laurie,
check it out--

saddle.

We can mount this on a tripod,

make, like, a funky
Western stool...

Or we could make, like,
funky Western-style trash.



Honey, don't get
all artsy-fartsy on me.

You know I'm gonna go
to Target for everything.

I'm redoing my condo,
and Trav's helping me.

[ Chuckling ]
Wait, you're helping her

redecorate her condo?

That's a guaranteed
young-couple-fight scenario.

I'm getting out of here
before somebody throws a lamp.

- Bye, dad.
- Bye.

Love you.

Jules, your dad seems
like he's doing really great.

He is-- you know,
when he was first diagnosed

with Alzheimer's a year ago,
I was so nervous,

but Chick hasn't changed a bit.

[ Panting ]
B-- Bobby come home! Boat gone!

Slow down, honey.
What'd you say?

Boat. Gone.
Someone stole my boat!

They got my boat,
and they got my stuff.

Oh, my
stu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ff!

- [ Sighs ] I need a drink.
- Tough day?

No. Why?

- [ Sighs ]
- Make it a double.

I have this
new supervisor at work,

and I can't seem
to win his respect.

Thought the Burt Reynolds look
would do it,

but I put it on upside down.

[ Rip ]
Ow! Mm!

Until I can win him over,
I can't get any big accounts,

but it's like this guy's
on a different level than me.

- Sounds like a perfect candidate
for the neg. - What's the neg?

It's a pickup technique
where you flip the power dynamic

with a girl
who's out of your league.

I used to teach a seminar
about how to pick up chicks.

I called it "Picking up chicks
with Grayson."

I hope the seminar
was less lame than the title.

I call that
"Ripping on d-bags with Ellie."

If you know how I can turn
things around with my boss,

you have to tell me.

I don't teach
the dark arts anymore.

I hung up my leather bracelet

and single-hoop earring
long ago.

Grayson, I need this.
You may be my only hope.

- Show me your ways.
- Very well.

Return to this spot when the sun
sets below the horizon

and the creatures
of the night take flight.

So... like 7:00, 7:15?

- 7:30?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'm proud of us.

Everyone said that we would
fight picking out stuff

for my apartment,
but we were perfect.

[ Chuckles ]

Definitely better
than that amateur couple

fighting in housewares--
I mean, over dish towels?

- Choose your battles, people.
- I know.

Other than in a cartoon, I don't
think I've ever seen someone

get hit over the head
with a frying pan-- pow!

I love that we totally agree
about everything.

I know, right?

[ Exhales deeply ]

Ooh.

What, you're gonna put
that there?

Where else would I put it?

Maybe somewhere that doesn't
make me want to throw up.

A low-priority case?
That was my home!

Yeah, I lived on a boat
in a parking lot.

Laugh it up, boys.

[ Telephone beeps ]

Dang. The cops
ain't gonna be any help.

A missing boat's
the kind of case

that Blacktop and Gumshoe
would tackle.

When Bobby and I were married,
we used to solve crimes.

Now, you're never gonna guess
why I was called Blacktop.

- You have black hair.
- You have black hair.

I have black hair!
Well--

Yeah, and I was Gumshoe
because I stepped on gum a lot.

And together,
we solved the mystery

of who was eating our oranges.

It was a monkey
who escaped from the zoo.

And we solved the mystery of
who was stealing our newspaper.

- The monkey again?
- Turns out, we didn't have a subscription.

How did they not do that case
on "Law & Order"?

Gumshoe, I have
a mystery for you.

Now that your boat's gone,
where you gonna live?

Ooh, I haven't thought
about that.

Maybe I could, uh, sleep
in my friend Bitch-Slap's car,

or I could just make a tent
from a stick and a bed sheet.

Oh, Bobby, that's crazy.
You can stay with us.

Uh, here?

[ Chuckles ]
I don't know, Bobby.

A bed-sheet tent
sounds pretty cool.

Come on,
you're staying with us.

Aww!
Thanks, Jules!

Hey! Come on, boys!
New digs!

[ Barks ]

Yeah!

[ Laughing ]
I got you.

Impressing a superior male
is no different

than hitting on a chick
who's out of your league.

You can use subtle,
subconscious cues

to give you the upper hand.

Lowering your voice half
an octave conveys confidence,

a gentle, reassuring touch to
the shoulder disarms your prey,

and then...

the neg--

an insult disguised
as a compliment

that lowers the self-esteem
of your prey,

making them
want to impress you.

Watch.

Hey, there.

Hey.

That's a great outfit.

Most women would be worried

they'd look desperate
in that thing.

Let's get out of here.

Sorry, I've got to
tend to the bar.

Is there a back room
we can use?

I said sorry.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, yes!

I am gonna take Mr. Peterson
to the back room!

In a--
in a business sense.

Not for sex.

So, Bobby's been here,
what, eight hours?

How do you think it's going?

Well, I think it's been
interesting.

Aww.

These poor little guys
must miss their mama.

This is the only way I can
get them to eat.

Bobby's a very nurturing bitch.

All right, the pups had
their morning yum-yums.

Now it's my turn.

Bobby, do you need
some help there?

[ Laughs ] Come on, Jules.
I'm an adult.

Think I can pour my own cereal.

It's like watching
an intelligent monkey.

A regular monkey.

There's water coming
from the ceiling.

Aw, Dog Travis!

He must have forgotten
how to turn off the faucet.

Okay, I'm definitely
gonna find that boat.

Oh, this is great.

Blacktop and Gumshoe together
for one last case.

Hey, thanks for letting me
borrow your suit, G-man.

What?

Wow! My old detective suit
still fits.

It's been 10 years
since I wore this thing.

[ Gasps ]
Bobby, your old jet-ski key!

I don't believe this!

Blacktop and Gumshoe
solve another one!

How does my suit fit you
better than it fits me?

- Scissors.
- All right, enough suit talk, Grayson.

- We got a case to solve.
- Oh, yeah.

And exactly how do you
expect to solve said case?

By collecting some evidence,
interviewing some witnesses.

I got a tape measure.

- Ow!
- I'm gonna go prep the golf cart

to hit the crime scene.

Gumshoe out!

Jules, why are you doing this?

I mean, I doubt his boat
was even stolen.

It's probably sitting
in some impound lout.

Grayson, Bobby
just lost his home.

He's really upset about it.

This is my way
of helping him out.

Okay. It just seems like
you're taking this

- investigation thing a little far.
- Oh, please. We're just having some fun.

We're not taking it
too seriously.

Bobby: Get a move on, Blacktop.
This crime ain't solving itself.

[ Walkie talkie static ]

Roger that, Gumshoe.

We're gonna make
this son-of-a-bitch boat thief

wish he'd never been born.

See, baby? It's just fun.
[ Pats back ]

No big deal, but you are looking
at the face of a guy

who just dominated
his supervisor

and landed a huge account.

Grayson's coaching techniques
worked like a charm!

Sometimes when you're
talking about work,

I take a quick, invisible nap.

I'm in the mood to celebrate,

so how about you make your
big-shot husband a victory dinner?

How about you
actually marry a person

that does stuff like that?

How about you order something, and
I'll pick it up? Like Chinese?

Oh, how about
you order something,

and you go pick it up?
Like not Chinese?

I guess I can...
do that.

[ Inhales deeply ]
You know...

I think it's great
that you have so much confidence

in your role as wife and mother

that you don't feel the need
to take care of your family.

Actually...

I can order.

Chinese?

Sure. Whatever.

So, if it were up to me,

this is how I would
arrange everything.

- Ta-da!
- Please don't say "Ta-da."

A Vegas magician made
my foster sister disappear.

We never saw her again!

I mean, not because of the trick. She
ended up running away after the show.

Okay, but what do you think
of the room?

I probably would've done
things a little differently.

Like, why is this bowl
on the coffee table?

What do you even put in it?

Whatever you want--
fruit, remotes, blankets.

- You're gonna put a blanket in a bowl?
- Okay, let's not get hung up on minutiae.

Listen, I have a cousin
named "Minutiae."

Now, she may have a crazy name,

but she would never
put a blanket in a bowl.

Okay, babe, trust me.

Once you sit with it for a bit,

it's gonna make perfect sense.

Now, why don't I go
grab us some lunch

- while you take it all in?
- Okay.

- Okay?
- I'm sure you're right.

[ Mumbles indistinctly ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Oh, man!

Some things
never change, Gumshoe.

Let's talk suspects--
do you have any enemies,

anybody who would want
to steal your boat?

Yeah, I have a little beef
with a few folks.

We got the harbor master,

there's Don
down at the golf course,

and there's
Slick Marco--

Oh! There's
Javier the mango man.

So, this mango man--
does he sell any other fruit?

Not to my knowledge.

[ Gasps ]

- What do we have here?
- [ Sighs ] What do you got?

Half-eaten shrimp.

It's about a day old.

Okay, so our man
likes his seafood.

- Let's bag it and tag it.
- Yep.

Ooh! Blacktop,
look what I got.

Evidence?

No, it's my old flip phone.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, man,
I lost this thing

about six years ago
under the boat.

I miss this thing.

- Whassuup?!
- I do not miss that.

Hey, that's Jerry.

Now, don't criminals often return
to the scene of the crime?

Bet your blacktop they do.

Get him!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Glass shatters ]
[ Panting ]

This is the end
of the line, Jerry.

Your first mistake was running.

Your second
was running from us.

What happened?

Everything's messed up.

No, everything's
perfect--

pillows placed
for optimal back support,

picture frames positioned

so that our photos
aren't staring at us

like that creepy guy
at the park.

I had it perfect.

Travis, what makes you
such an expert on design?

Well, I've spent
the last three years

in art school
studying composition,

so I know how
and where things look good.

Art school? Please.

I own a cake shop
in the real world

where people pay me
for my designs, so...

I don't think frosting
a dinosaur onto a cake

is the same as learning from
a professor with a doctorate.

You know, why don't you take your
fancy words back to Hogwarts?

Fine, but I'm moving
this basket back first.

And I'm moving those pillows.

- Not happening, Powder.
- [ Sighs ]

You know what? Maybe I'll just wait
till you leave to rearrange everything.

Well, maybe I just
will never leave.

Well [Scoffs],

maybe I won't, either.

- What did you do?
- What are you talking about?

And why do you look like
Julia Child on a bender?

[ As Julia Child ]
I just needed a little bump

to get me through
this bundt cake.

[ Slams bar ]

I just ordered my husband's
dinner, made him dessert,

and I was in the middle

of preparing tomorrow's
breakfast frittata

when I got a look at myself
in the mirror.

What did you teach him?

I just taught him
a few basic techniques

on how to flip a power dynamic,

which, apparently,
I'm amazing at.

And now you're teaching me.

So what's our play?

You want to run our old
routine-- good cop, great cop?

Nah, that never worked.

Let's just squeeze the answers
out of this punk son of a bitch.

Hey, guys.
Thanks for having me over.

These crab cakes are amazing.

Shut up.

Or that's the last thing
you'll have before dinner.

We want some answers, Jerry.

What were you doing
at the boatyard?

I go there to think sometimes.

He's lying. Nobody
goes somewhere to think.

- Where's the boat?
- What boat?

- Bobby's boat.
- I don't have Bobby's boat.

- So you sold it?
- Who'd you sell it to?

- I never had it.
- Then why'd you run?

- You were chasing me.
- The sauce--

is it
a remoulade or--

Oh, cool it with
the innocent routine, buster!

[ Bowl clatters ]
That's gonna stain.

What's going on?

Hey, Grayson.
I'm a suspect.

They're interrogating me.

You never responded to my text

about sponsoring
my softball team.

I don't think I got that text.

Yes, you did, honey.
Remember?

You said
there's no way in hell--

Jules! Can I talk
to you for a second?

Stay put.

What the hell are you doing?
You kidnapped Jerry?

- I gave him crab cakes.
- Jules, this is insane.

You said this was just for fun,

and now you're holding a very,
very annoying man captive.

Now, send Jerry home
and put an end to this.

Sorry your phone sucks, Jer.

Gumshoe.

Man, Jerry's right.
These crab cakes are great!

Okay, we may have
taken this a step too far.

We don't even know if the boat
was really stolen.

[ Muffled ] But--
[ Cellphone rings, beeps ]

Hello?

Yeah, sure, I can put you
on speakerphone.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Altered deep voice ]
I have your boat.

If you ever want
to see it again,

come to the boatyard
at 10:00 AM tomorrow.

Oh! I feel like
that guy did it.

I don't believe it.
Someone really stole your boat.

Yeah, and they aren't
messing around, either.

Those robot-voice things
aren't for amateurs.

Isn't it strange the caller
didn't ask for any money?

Yeah. Should we bring him
something, just to be safe?

Hmm. Well, I don't have any
cash, but, uh, got some wine.

Let's see.

- How about some peanut butter?
- Nice.

A three-pack of yogurt
and half a bottle of soy sauce.

Nice!

Way to think
on your feet, J-bird.

Let's bag it!
Anything else?

- Just our backup.
- Hey, Jules.

Hey, Tom, you still got the moves
from when you taught karate?

Well, it was actually
more of a yoga class

with some light tai chi,

you know, for senior citizens
who were having a--

That's perfect. Let's take down
this psychopath.

- Say what, now?
- This boat thief is about to get...

Both: Sunk.

- Wait, I could just sit here forever.
- Me, too.

Actually, I can't.
I have to go to work.

Yeah, I got to go to class.
I should probably go.

Okay.

But not before I move
this very versatile bowl.

Fine!
Put your blanket bowl back.

I am moving Mr. Basket
to his rightful home.

And don't touch the pillows!

Oh, you can protect
the pillows all day,

but this stool's
going for a walk.

Move the stool!
I'm gonna put Mr. Tortoise

back in Tortoise Town.

Okay,
well, guess what--

this crazy, decorative gold
thing is getting a new address.

- Hey.
Andy: - Ellie, hey.

You should make me something
nice for dinner tonight.

It's refreshing to see
generosity from someone

who normally doesn't show any.

Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]

I...

I mean, I think
you should get dinner

and then buy me
an expensive gift.

I appreciate all you do
for me financially,

despite your falling short
in so many other areas.

- Thank you. Is jewelry okay?
- Yes.

[ Gasps ]
You just negged me!

Grayson gave you the power!

That's a very smart observation

for someone who left the house
wearing those shorts.

It's impressive
how you speak your mind.

Most people would be concerned
with seeming so obnoxious.

Stop.

What are you doing?

I gave you something beautiful,
and you're using it like this?

As your master,
I demand that you stop.

I really respect how you're not
phased by sounding so douchey.

And people with such small eyes
rarely have such big ideas.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I...

No!

They've shifted the dynamic.

I'm no longer the master.

This ends now.

Maybe I should get you dinner.

I...

What's happening to me?!

I've got to retake control.

Whatever happens in there,
Jules, I just want to say

that it was awesome
being partners again.

It was great, wasn't it?

Yeah. Thanks for having
my back, Blacktop.

- Anytime, Gumshoe.
- Any chance I could get a nickname?

- Uh, Big Daddy Cool, Smooth Dyn--
- Ain't gonna happen.

Okay.

My boat!
It's back!

My boat!

Yo! I missed you,
Boat Travis!

Ooh, are you, okay?
Mwah! Did they hurt you?

Jules: They just
brought it back?

I-I don't understand.
Who would do this?

Some crazy old coot

with a large truck
who loves a good prank.

Dad?

Care for a shrimp?

And this bad boy
will go right here.

- This is going over here.
- Fantastic.

I'm just gonna flip-flop
these pillows.

Then I'll...

Travis, wait.
Check it out.

It looks amazing.

You're right.

We did it.

It's like your crazy
and my crazy

is the perfect combination.

Aww.

You know, I think
it was Frank Lloyd Wright

- who once said--
- Travis, please.

I love how your sharp wit

detracts from
your cold, bitter soul.

You're so charming, I would
take that over sexy any day.

That's it!

Class is back in... session!

I'm Grayson, and I've got
all the knowledge, power,

and all the right--
ha-- moves.

So bow down to the master,

because I am taking
back the power!

[ Both laugh ]
What a dork.

- What's with the getup?
- And the horrible moves?

He's like a dad
at a One Direction concert.

- Oh, that Harry Styles is so talented.
- I totally agree.

- You want to get out of here?
- Yeah, let's get out of here.

It's okay.
[ Chuckles lightly ]

You know, I'm the master.

You can't hurt the master.

Dad, why in the world
would you steal Bobby's boat?

Well, one, I love a good prank.

[ Chuckles ]

And, two, I wanted you guys
to have a little fun.

So, did you?

We really did.
[ Laughs ]

It was a blast, man.
We even kidnapped somebody.

Why would you go through
all this trouble

so Bobby and I would have fun?

Well, I know you two have been
having some problems lately.

I thought going on
a goofy, little adventure

might bring you
closer together.

Problems?
What are you talking about?

Your marriage to Bobby.

I love you two together.

I don't want to see you
get divorced.

Chick, Jules and I have been
divorced for years.

What?

Oh, dad.

♪ you're very safe ♪

♪ and it's true
you'll never beat ♪

♪ but you'll never break ♪

_

[ Music stops ]

Women-- you want them.

But can you get them?

[ Slaps chest ]
No-uh!

And why?

Because you're not me.

But I'm about to give you
the tips to become me.

Go from lady loser...

to lady cruiser.

Hey!

[ Man coughs ]

[ Gasps ] Cool.

We're gonna learn a lot.