Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 10 - Too Good to Be True - full transcript

Bobby, you brought Señor Casa
take-out into my bar?

I serve food.

You don't serve burritos, G-man,
and burritos are delicioso.

My food is delicious.

- Mm...
- What?

Sorry, baby,
your food is terrible.

I thought
you all loved my food.

I mean, you ate
all my buffalo wings.

Actually...

- What?
- Wait a minute.

The golden ticket!



I've got the golden ticket!

Free burritos for a year!
It's the best day of my life!

- You got the golden ticket!
- Why are you so excited?

When is the last time
Bobby won anything?

Yay! I got
the golden ticket!

- Whoo!
- The golden ticket!

Burrito time!

_

You finally told Grayson
that we hate his food?

I had to. I can't keep
going through purses like this.

If he serves clam chowder,
I have to double bag.

Man, I love
the breakfast burrito.

It's a great lead-in
to the lunch burrito.

I heard that you got
the golden ticket



from Señor Casa!

That is so awesome!

The closest I ever came
to a golden ticket

was when I found that
dirty band-aid in my calzone.

Yeah, when I got that ticket,
I was so amped,

I ran happy laps
around the plaza.

I almost took out
Tom's daughter.

- Tom has a daughter?
- A human daughter?

Seems that way.
She's here for a couple days.

Why wouldn't he introduce us?

We're, like, his best friends.

Two seconds ago, you didn't even
know that Tom had a daughter.

Not like
he's ever been married.

He was.
Then she died.

What are you, writing a book?

Why wouldn't Tom want us
to meet his daughter?

I mean, is he ashamed of us?

Okay, everyone, strap yourself
in for the Jules spiral.

Maybe he's ashamed of her.

[ Gasps ] Or he's ashamed
of himself.

Or maybe he secretly hates us.

Oh, this is crazy.

Crazy suspicious!

I'm gonna get some answers.

I thought
that would last longer.

And here are
our free coffees, baby.

What's up,
corporate sell-out?

How's it feel slinging beans
for the man?

True, Coffee Bucks
is a multinational

destroyer of rainforests,
but I have dental.

And I get to do
cool stuff like this.

- Make photocopies?
- Starting an open-mike night.

It's a place for Gulfhaven's
undiscovered artists

to come and share their craft.

Oh, I'll take one.

I just want to see what date
it was so I know not to come.

Tom: Grayson, is that you?
What happened?

[ As Grayson ]
I was just flexing

and looking at myself
in the window

and, uh, must have
fallen under the car.

Help me out, will you, buddy?

[ Normal voice ]
Let me just get an angle.

- Ugh!
Jules: - Tom? What the heck?

Your daughter's in town?
I want to meet her.

- Where is that little princess?
- Haylee's 25.

- Who's Haylee?
- My daughter. She just left.

She went back
to New York this morning.

New York? [ Gasps ] How does she like it?

I mean, based
on the t-shirts I've seen,

people seem
to really love that place.

Why wouldn't you introduce us?

- I didn't know you'd want to meet her.
- Well, of course I would!

- Now, the next time Haiti comes--
- Haylee.

I know.

Next time she comes into town,
you introduce us.

- We should know everything
about each other. - Really?

Well, in that case, I've got
some pretty airtight proof

of alien life
if you want to see it.

Pass.

Bobby, people keep
ordering burritos

because they see you
eating them.

I don't even serve burritos.

Can you order
one of my sandwiches?

Are they free and unlimited
for an entire year?

- No.
- Not interested.

Mm. Oh, baby.

Each bite gets better
than the last.

You might want to slow down
on the burritos.

If you keep
plowing through them,

you're gonna get sick of them.

Sick of burritos?
I don't think you understand.

This is my favorite thing
in the entire world,

and get as much as I want.

Let me tell you guys
a little story.

I used to love
that Spice Girls song,

"Wannabe," more than anything.

I played it on repeat
for 15 days in a row,

until one day,

I literally hated it
more than anything ever.

Even now, if I hear even
two seconds of it, I go insane.

Well, that's different.

A song gets stuck in your head,
and it just stays there.

A burrito's
just a delicious visitor,

passing through tummytown.

I always liked
that "Wannabe" song.

- ♪ if-- ♪
- Aah!

What did I say?!

Whoa. Okay.

Laurie: I can't believe
so many people need

an audience and a microphone
to work out their feelings.

And finally,
the curse of gender was lifted

and the Earth was free.

[ Fingers snapping ]

Remember to tip your baristas.

I started something here,
Laurie.

Finally, a place
for local artists.

I feel like this may be
Gulfhaven's cultural awakening.

Hello, Coffee Bucks!

All right, uh, so I'm just
gonna get right into it.

Why don't they make
velcro bras?

- Oh, no. - So, my wife and I, we had
a disagreement last night.

I lost, which makes the score,
oh, 165 million to zero.

[ Laughs ]
Bitches be loco!

Uh, Helen Keller called...

[ Sighs ]

Do you ever wonder
who these people are

or where they're going
or what their story is?

- No.
- Good. Me neither.

Oh, look, it's Tom.
Hey!

Jules, uh,
you're not at, uh, work,

where I--
I thought you'd be.

I have to go.

Ready, dad?
Got the tickets.

Dad? I thought you said
your daughter left?

Uh, the thing is,
uh, Jules, I--

Wait.
This is Jules?

I thought you were
in Chattanooga

at a real-estate
convention.

I can't believe I finally get
to meet my dad's girlfriend.

Oh, I am definitely
going on this ride.

I can't believe Tom told his
daughter I was his girlfriend.

Or do you think he meant that I
was a girl that's just a friend?

No. I think he meant you two
were boom-chicka-wow-wow.

[ Sighs ] Jules. Thanks for not
saying anything to Haylee.

There's a simple explanation

for why she thought
you were my girlfriend.

- Yes, because you told her
I was your girlfriend? - See? Simple.

Haylee's got a good life
in New York--

amazing job, great friends.

But she worries about me.

If she thought I was all alone,

she'd drop everything
and move here,

- so I told her we were--
- Boom-chicka-wow-wow!

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I'll tell her the truth.

Dad, there you are.

What's going on?

Uh, Haylee, um, it's--
it's just-- I-- I've been--

Giving his lady
some grade-A lovin'.

- [ Chuckles ] You know, the sex kind.
- [ Gasps ]

I can really feel
the love here.

You should see them kiss.
Why don't you guys kiss?

Oh, my lips are really tired.

You know,
from all the making out

we did yesterday
with our mouths and our tongues.

Uh, oh, hey, Grayson.

Oh, this is Grayson?

Hi, Grayson.
It's so sweet

you take care of your brother
after his accident--

Hockey puck to the head?
Poor thing.

Dad told me all about it.

I'm confused.

- Aww, of course you are.
- My baby's a saint.

Oh! [ Chuckles ]

I can't believe I'm just
now meeting all of you,

and I have to leave so soon.

- I know.
- We should all go to lunch.

You know,
get to know each other,

just talk more about this.

That is a great idea!

I have hockey practice.

I let him suit up
and run around the yard.

- Mrs. Torres, I need your help.
- Not interested.

Your husband came
to my open-mike night.

- He did stand-up.
- Very interested.

Open mike is supposed to be

a safe place
for creative expression,

not a place to repeatedly yell,
"Bitches be loco!"

Paint me a picture.

Well, it started
with a room full of daring,

original artists
pouring their hearts out

and climaxed
was an obnoxious Cuban comic

covering
hot-button issues like

"Why do girls always
go to the bathroom in pairs?"

Between the budding Jules/Tom
fake relationship and this,

I may have died
and gone to Heaven.

I'm trying to establish myself

as Gulfhaven's
cultural taste maker.

Talking like a douche
is not helping your case.

Please tell me
he trotted out his

"You know what has two thumbs"
jokes.

[ Sighs ]

You know what has two thumbs
and is gonna be

sitting front seat
at his next show?

Hugely helpful, as always.

[ Grunts ]

So, Tom told his daughter
that a head injury

turned me into a simple,
good-natured man-child

who needs help
dressing himself.

That's humiliating.

Or is it
the role of a lifetime?

Oh, right.

This could be
my "Forrest Gump."

- Oh, this just keeps getting better.
- Why are you even here?

Jules is about to have lunch
with her new boyfriend, Tom,

and her idiot brother, Grayson,
is tagging along?

- Where else would I be?
Jules: - Can we focus?

Tom needs our help, so we're
just gonna have to tough it out.

Besides, I'm the one
who has to cozy up

next to that gangly pile of--
Hey, honey bear!

Oh!

You guys! We're gonna have
to get a fire hose for you two.

You should be glad
you don't live next to them.

I mean, the noises that come
from that bedroom.

Have you spent
any time on a farm?

[ Imitating Forrest Gump ]
Sheeps grow their own sweaters,

and cows have finger boobs.

So, Jules,
how did you two meet?

- Was it love at first sight?
- Obviously.

Well, it was for her.
I played hard to get.

- [ Chuckles ]
- But that didn't stop me.

I would just stand outside of
his window like some lunatic,

just saying as many creepy
things that popped into my head.

- I found that so sexy.
- Yeah.

Windows are baby doors
with no clothes on.

Oh, my God.
Would you shut up?

He's just testing me.
I have to set boundaries.

You know
who doesn't have boundaries?

These two.

Jules, you don't have to hold
back just because Haylee's here.

I'm cool.

- If you guys are into PDA,
I'm great with that. - Oh, good.

I think
I'll get some right now.

Oh, baby, that feels so good.

- You know, like a xylophone.
- Oh, keep playing, baby.

You're about
to hit the high note.

Isn't this the part where
you usually sit on his lap?

- No.
- Yes.

Oh, good.
You're wearing shorts.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, damn it!

I have to go.

I have dueling train-wreck
situations happening.

Thank you so much
for everything.

No, thank you.

[ Clicks tongue ]

- Oh, my God, how many knees
do you have? - Sorry.

Because knees
are so sexy to me.

Knees are like elbows
for the legs.

Okay, I'm putting you
in the car.

Laurie:
That was the saddest song.

I thought it was just about
a gumball machine, and then bam!

The guy's girlfriend
dies on prom night?

- What?
- Exactly. It's moving.

That's what
I wanted to do here--

bring some
cultural flavor to town.

- Oh...
- But now...

Hello, Coffee Bucks!

[ Laughs ]

Um, ladies,
what is with all the shoes?

I mean, I only need two--
the left and the right.

[ Laughs ]

This is Larry, the surgeon,
who has to really pee.

Oh, thank goodness I made it.

- Scalpel.
- Didn't want to miss this, huh?

I left your mom
sitting on Tom's lap to be here.

Today is my Super Bowl!

All right,
I'm gonna do my first incision.

[ Straining ] Ooh, why
did I drink all that lemonade?!

[ Laughs ]

Manager: Travis, I'm all
for supporting the arts,

but you said this was
gonna bring in business.

Everyone's leaving.

There's one woman that seems
to really be enjoying it.

Are you referring to the woman

who's pouring wine
into a coffee cup?

Either ban this clown or I'm
shutting down open-mike night.

Andy: Uh, okay,
I'm gonna do some improv now.

Please, someone shout out
the name of a famous person.

President James K Polk!

Um, okay. Uh...

[ Deeper voice ] Oh, really do
enjoy being president.

[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ] Of America?

[ Stomping feet ]

[ Gasps ]

Okay, burrito.

I got to try
to get you into my tummy,

which shouldn't be a problem

because you are
the best thing ever!

Mm.

[ Sighs ]

Bobby.
What are you doin'?

Aren't you goin' to finish me?

[ Gasps ]

You're a giant talking burrito!

That's right. Eat me.

Uh, I don't think I want to.

- Thanks.
- You love me.

I don't know anymore.

I have to go.

Not without me!
I'm part of you!

No, burrito! Go away!

I'm free, you son of a bitch!

Aah!

Aah!

[ Gasps ] Whoo.

It was just a dream.

Noooo!

We nailed that lunch!

Well, besides the bruises
on my ass

from sitting on Tom's bony lap

and having to choke down
your fish and chips,

it was perfect.

You know, the role
of brain-injured Grayson

was so nuanced
and multi-layered,

but I killed it.
[ Chuckles ]

- Jules, I want to run something by you.
- We are not moving to LA.

Now his daughter gets
to go back to New York

feeling good about her dad.

[ Both chuckle ]

Ooh. Was it weird
that I just kissed my brother?

Ooh, weird and hot.

Oh, yeah. So hot.
Give me some of that DNA PDA.

[ Both grunt, chuckle ]

- Amy!
- Amy?

Haylee!

I just came by
to say thank you for lunch.

I can't believe you would

cheat on my dad
with your own gay brother.

[ Scoffs ]

Wait, I'm gay?
Why didn't anybody tell me?

That totally
rounds out the character.

[ Chuckles ]

Tom's daughter thinks I'm
cheating on her dad

with my brain-damaged,
gay brother.

I can't believe
I was playing "Forrest Gump"

when I should have been
playing "Philadelphia."

- Can you help me out here?
- Sorry.

We need to go find Tom

and get him
to tell Haylee the truth.

What if we tell Haylee that
you were choking on a peanut

and I was giving you CPR?

That's not how CPR works.

What if we were two siblings
sharing my last mint?

Or that this
is the way our family

just cures hiccups, you know?

Can you even hear yourself?

Fine.
Let's go talk to Tom.

Ooh! What if a snake
bit me in the mouth?

Jules, enough.
Let's go.

Is that camera to capture
my demise as a promoter?

Partially.

But, also,
when I'm old and senile,

I just want to remember
these timeless moments

where my husband made
a giant, public ass of himself.

I hate to ruin it,
but my manager said

get rid of Andy
or he's canceling open mike.

- Is he here?
Andy: - Check it out!

I got this prop box
15 years ago

when I thought
I might be a professional comic,

and I never got a chance
to use it-- until now!

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

Anyone see a chicken
run around here?

He's late for an appointment.

Oh, here he is.
[ Growling ]

Look, Mr. Torres,
a-about--

I know, I know, I went a little
long last time,

but I got my set down
to a tight twenty

and this has been such a blast.

It's like a dream come true.

And I owe it all to you.

Looking forward
to seeing you tonight.

Get out of here!
I hate you, man!

You're delicious,
but you ruined my life!

Hey!

Bobby! Stop!
What are you doing?!

Getting rid of these evil
bean-and-cheese pockets!

I hate them!

Stop it!

Why did you order so many?

[ Crying ] Because I love them!
What's happening to me?!

Oh, you've hit rock bottom.

I know.
I've been there.

Except my bottom
had actual rocks.

I woke up face-down in a ravine,
eyes crusted over,

headphones half strangling me,
Spice Girls still blasting.

- Bobby.
- Huh?

You have to get rid
of the ticket.

You know what? Just hand it
to the next person you see.

Oh, you're right.
Hey, buddy.

That guy stole my ticket!

Come here! [ Sighs ]

Oh, Laurie, help me.

What am I gonna do?

We have to destroy it.

Tom? Oh, hi.
Has Haylee been here?

Because, uh, we have
something to tell you.

That my girlfriend
was just tongue wrestling

with her idiot brother?

Okay, she's been here.

This is all my fault
for being so irresistible.

I mean, I can't help that I was
born with lips this luscious.

I had to tell Haylee
the truth about everything.

She just took off.
She was pretty upset about it.

Is it too late
to tell her that Grayson was

sucking snake venom
from my mouth?

I think so.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anything we can do?

No, this is my mess
to clean up.

You guys have already done
more than you should.

Thanks for trying.
Hey, Grayson.

Top-notch performance,
by the way.

Thank you!

And did you know I just found
out that my character was gay?

If I had been able to layer that
level of complexity on top of--

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Yeah, we'll leave you alone.

All right.
Get out of here.

I did it!

I walked right up
to that grill,

and I chucked that ticket
right into the flames.

It was like that movie
where that furry-footed dude

threw the ring in a volcano.

"Lord Of The Rings."

Mnh-mm-mnh,
I don't know what that is.

I'm really proud of you, Bobby.

Thank you for helping me
through this.

Ooh! Look
at that quesadilla, man.

It's got steak, cheese,
warm tortilla.

Bobby, that's basically
just a burrito.

Yeah, in a completely
different shape.

I can eat those for days!

[ Slurps ]

How much longer is this guy
gonna go on?

He has no idea
people hate this.

Completely oblivious.

Yeah. Some people
just don't get it.

[ Fingers snapping ]

Time to drop a funny grenade
on these chuckle heads.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

Hey, perform like
it's your last show ever.

That's really sweet advice.
I will, Trav. Thanks.

Hello, Coffee Bucks!
[ Laughs ]

Mikado es su-kado.

Manager: Hey, pal.

Pretty sure I told you
if he goes on again,

I'd shut this down.

I'd rather blow this up
than crush my friend's dreams.

You can pull the plug
when he goes off.

That is...
incredibly noble.

Not sure how long
you're gonna last

in this cutthroat bean biz,
but very noble.

[ Gasps ] Holy mackerel!

Hey, you here to see
his final swan song of shame?

Travis, is this open-mike night
really important to you?

I mean, I thought
it was a cool idea,

and I believed in it.

- I hope you appreciate this.
- Order up! Order up!

Hey! Stud
with the prop box.

Get off the stage,
take me home, and sex me up.

That's my time, folks.

See you at the next open mike.

I doubt it,
because open-mike night

is now our permanent sex night.

[ Chuckles ] I knew
this prop trunk was gold!

- You owe me.
- What?

I said, "You, bone me!"

Would you let Tom
perform brain surgery on you?

Maybe.

I mean, on one hand,
I'm sure he's pretty good.

On the other hand,
he did once leave someone

on the operating table
to help me open a jar.

- Hey, guys.
- Katie!

Together: - Haylee.
- I know.

I'm sorry we lied to you.

We never meant to hurt you.

I was upset at first,
then I realized

if you went through
all that for my dad,

you must really care about him.

Yeah.
We'd do anything for Tom.

I know. I mean,
the lengths you went to.

The flirting and the touching.

The food at Gray's pub
even tasted

like it was made by someone
with a head injury.

Grayson:
You all are crazy.

People come from miles
for my fries.

My ranch
is made in-house,

and the Gulfhaven Gazette
said that my wings are fine.

Thanks for everything, Jules.

Aw, sure thing, Haylee.

[ Gasps ]
I said it right.

Aw.

- My two girls.
- [ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]
I wish Grayson was dead.

- What?
- Shh.

- So, what do you think?
- Mmm, pretty good.

All liquid this time.

Found where we
keep the filters.

Ha! I was so proud of you, man.
Working hard, bringing home that cheese...

Son of a...

I thought I had defeated you, man!

This ends now.

Oh, no!

[Indistinct yelling]

What do you think that's about?

Sure there's a perfectly
good reason.

You're gonna
die-o, man!