Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 9 - Make It Better - full transcript
Jules' dad arrives to recover from an injury.
So what'd you think
of "Inception"?
What the hell was that?
And here we go.
If someone could
go into your dreams,
then they should
do something nice,
like make me stop dreaming
of having sex with that
neck tattoo guy at your bar.
You dream about him?
(Chuckles) No.
Can you at least tell me
if "Titanic" guy
was really with his kids
at the end of the movie,
or was he still just dreaming?
I mean, did the top
stop spinning or not?
The movie is open-ended.
You get to decide for yourself
what happened.
We don't hit
when we're frustrated.
I don't like
open-ended movies.
That's why
I never liked "Grease."
How is "Grease" open-ended?
Where do they go
in the flying car, Travis?
I mean, do they live
in space now?
Yep. That's what "Grease 2"
was about-- "Grease" in space.
♪ "Grease 2. Grease in space" ♪
♪ we're doing the hand jive
with the alien race ♪
♪ blast away, away with me ♪
♪ we're summer lovin'
in antigravity ♪
♪ Grease in space ♪
Oh!
Man, I keep getting
this sharp pain in my stomach.
I don't have to worry, right?
(High-pitched voice)
Cancer!
My friend Nezzie had
stomach pains she ignored,
and then she had a baby
in contempo casuals.
She didn't keep the kid,
but they did make her
buy the miniskirt
that she got placenta on.
You should definitely
tell that story
when you host
the white trash awards.
Anyway, already called
the window doctor.
Morning. Let's, uh, check
your temperature.
All right. Mm.
(Mouth full)
Isn't this great?
We don't ever have to call
a real doctor anymore.
Uh, I'm-- I'm still
a real doctor.
(Laughs) Okay.
Yeah.
(Laughs)
Ellie, now that
Laurie and wade live together,
there's a new couple...
for our dinner rotation.
I say all six of us
go out tonight.
Oh, tonight would be a perfect
night for me not to do that.
Yeah, I'll pass, too.
You're both going.
Tom, my heart is not
in my under-boob.
Oh, sorry. Do you have
that urine sample?
Oh. Yeah, right here.
You have clean urine in your fridge?
(Refrigerator door opens)
Where were you when I applied for that job at Walmart?
(Refrigerator door closes)
Hmm. One of these
is chicken broth.
Oh, well, test them both.
Sweet. There's dinner.
(Rings)
(Suspenseful music playing)
What the hell was that?
You're getting landlined.
Nobody calls
your home phone anymore
unless the shizz
is sup serious.
(Ring)
Hello?
Grab a table, babe.
I'll be right over.
Ah! Look who got
a new girlfriend.
Nah, bro.
It's just the first date.
I always seem to get hung up
on one chick, you know?
But this time, I don't want
anything serious.
I just wanna slay some ass.
Ooh, quick tip--
guys who slay ass
never say "slay ass."
I don't think you can
pull off being a player.
You've always been
sort of an insta-committer.
I mean, you had a girl
move in with us at 5 years old
after one playdate.
That's because she said
her mom was an alien.
I had to save her.
But never again, okay?
From now on, I'm a player.
There's no "R." It's...
(High-pitched voice) playa!
(Telephone rings)
(Suspenseful music playing)
Uh-oh. Landlined.
(Ring)
I hope no one died, because
I don't have a dark suit.
(Ring)
Hello?
Who wants to go carry
an old man?
Just throw him
on the couch.
Watch your hands, Torres.
You touch me there again,
we're gonna have to move to
a blue state and get married.
It's the only place
I can get a grip.
Nothing on your body is
where it's supposed to be.
(Grunts) This would be
a lot easier
if we had a wheelchair.
Uhh!
I don't need
a damn wheelchair.
It's just
a little ankle fracture.
I was barebacking Annabelle,
and she bucked me off.
Ooh! Attaboy, chick-a-boom!
Get you some!
Annabelle's my horse.
(Chuckles) Oh, man.
Love is blind.
Okay, here's some chips,
soda...
oh, and the remote.
Now don't be a pain in the ass.
I'm not your servant.
(Whispers) I'm so excited
my dad's here.
Then why are you acting
so me-ish?
My dad won't let anyone
take care of him.
So to take care of him,
you have to pretend
you're not taking care of him.
If I ever get in an accident,
I want you to take care of me.
(Chuckles and gasps)
(Whispers indistinctly)
What is she doing?
Is she praying for you
to get in an accident?
It's my stomach.
It's just that I don't want to
look stupid when the pain hits,
so I'm t-boning.
Tebowing. A year late,
and you're still wrong.
Ooh! (Kisses) Yeah!
(Groans)
Close me out, barkeep.
This is a Hogwarts ID.
Yeah, I'm just pretending
to pay, dude.
(High-pitched voice)
Player move!
(Chuckles) Trav...
I'm not great
with the gals,
but I bet you
dad number two over here
can give you some pointers.
You just say the word,
and I'll teach you how to
stop thinking with your heart
and start thinking
with your disco stick.
I think I'm good.
Baby, my parents are so excited
we're driving to The Keys
tomorrow to meet them.
(Chuckles) Oh! I can't wait!
Teach me.
Trav wants to be
a player now?
That is just wrong.
It's like when Jewel released
that pop album.
Be real, girlfriend!
You have a snaggletooth,
and you play acoustic!
Uh, why are you so worried
about Travis?
All right,
let the kid have his fun.
Yeah, let the boy tap some...
(High-pitched voice) ass!
(Chuckles) Sorry. Trying to say
"ass" but in a cool way.
I am dying. Where's Jules?
(Telephone rings)
Landlined.
Hello?
Okay.
(Telephone receiver clatters)
Don't you say it.
Your friends aren't
gonna make it.
- Should I remove these seats?
- Should I remove your nuts?
Oh, it's not you.
She's just a horrible person.
Hey, we don't need
Jules and Grayson.
We have plenty to talk about.
(Clears throat)
You know, they just invented
a realistic sex robot in Japan.
Lot of talk on the internet
about whether or not
it's cheating.
I'm gonna go to bathroom
before I kill myself.
What are you doing here?
I'm in the bathroom.
How's it going with your dad?
Oh, it's awesome.
That's how people who won't
use crutches get up the stairs.
I'm still a man, damn it!
Jules, I got your test results.
You have a kidney stone.
I have only been
with Grayson.
Not an STD.
Okay. Well, great.
So what now?
You'll pass it eventually,
but kidney stones
are really painful.
(Chuckles) I birthed
Travis' giant square head.
I think I can handle
a tiny stone.
Besides, I'm fine.
The pain's gone.
That's the thing about stones.
You can go hours
feeling nothing,
- and then all of a sudden--
- Oh! Oh, God!
(Inhales sharply)
Oh, this is a big one!
Uh, some of my patients
find it soothing if I sing.
Oh, please don't!
(Deep voice) ♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ The trouble I've s-- ♪
Uhh!
Here you go.
J-bird, I don't want to
put you out of your own bed.
Take a damn nap. I'm fine.
Aah! Help me!
(Strained voice)
I can barely feel my feet!
Come on, now.
This is insane.
Just tell your dad that
you have a kidney stone.
Oh. He'll barely
let me take care of him now.
If he knew I was about to
black out in pain, he'd leave.
Oh! (Gasps) Ohh!
Wow. I have a more functional
relationship with my dad,
and he's dead.
You don't realize how stubborn
my dad is. (Grunts)
He doesn't even believe
in daylight savings time.
For six months a year, he's
an hour early to everything.
Or an hour late.
I'm not sure
which way it is. Oh.
(Kisses) Ahh.
Look, you're just as stubborn
as he is.
I'm not stubborn.
I'm just always right.
- Oh, I get that. - I'll be fine, dude,
because what you don't know is,
window doctor here is about
to give me a painkiller shot.
(Chuckles)
Why haven't we used him
like this before?
You'll feel a little prick
and then a needle.
(Chuckles) Doctor humor.
- That's why.
(Ellie) - Mm-hmm.
- Ooh! Wow.
- Mm.
(Whispers) There it is.
Okay, I'm gonna be fine.
You go back to work.
You go back to your date.
(Ellie) Well, if I have to deal
with the Jelly patrol...
hit me.
Ow! Ow!
That's fantastic!
(Elastic snaps)
(All) ♪ It's Grease in space ♪
♪ with flying cars ♪
♪ getting hickeys from kenickie
on planet Mars ♪
♪ Grease in space ♪
(Travis and Bobby laugh)
(Grayson) Now let's start class.
Lesson one--
how to get the ladies.
Let me guess--
lie your ass off till
the panties hit the floor?
Whoa! Playa's code--
no false promises.
You just gotta be honest
about what you want.
Like with me, it was
no morning cuddles,
no brunch,
ooh, and no leave-behinds.
I will throw those flip-flops
right into the trash.
Seriously, that works?
Just be honest?
Yeah, I mean, you gotta throw in
a little game. Wow.
What?
(Chuckles) Oh, nothin'.
It's just...
I guess I've never really looked
at your eyes.
They are so blue.
Good thing I'm not busy
'cause...
I don't think I can move
until you blink.
I'm not comfortable with what
I'm feeling right now.
What happened to you?
- Shh.
- Mm.
You're harshing my buzz.
We're still debating
whether or not
boning a robot is cheating.
(Whining) Can I get one, please?
I'll clean and walk and feed it.
It won't be cheating.
It'll look just like you.
Fine. Go nuts.
(Laughs)
But how would you clean it?
I mean, do you just jam it
into the dershwersher?
(Laughing) Dershwersher?
Dershwersher. There.
Your hair looks... amazing.
I don't know what's going on,
but I am finding you delightful.
I'm sorry, all right,
but I didn't just
fight for our country
to come back to a place where
people sleep with robots.
What about when you're older
and you can't do it
twice a day?
How am I gonna get
my cardio?
What's the difference between
me hopping on the elliptical
or me gettin'
my target heart rate up
by doing a little bump and grind
with a beep-boop?
Wow. (Laughs)
You are so funny.
(Laughing)
(Laughing)
Not a great time, Jules.
(Monitor beeping steadily)
The meds wore off.
It feels like a porcupine
is trying to
crawl out of my hoo.
Stupid window doctor.
(Beep)
(Tv playing indistinctly)
Would you jump up
and get that remote for me?
(Inhales sharply)
Ooh! You know what?
I love this show.
- That's a commercial.
- Oh.
And why are you sweating?
Oh, I don't know. I just--
I don't know which cereal
he's gonna like.
(Laughs) I'll get it myself.
(Grunts)
Ow! Oh! Oh! My ankle's...
oh! Oh! It's going...
(Grunts) down.
The ground is coming up.
Oh!
Dad, let me help you.
Ohh! (Gasps) Okay.
(Panting) I'm going down, too.
Uhh! (Gasps)
I know why
I'm laying down here.
Why are you?
I've got a kidney stone.
(Groans)
(Sighs)
Okay, let's go over
what we've learned.
Be confident
but not arrogant.
More McConaughey
in "Dazed And Confused,"
less McConaughey
in "Magic Mike."
Be honest but don't
give away too much.
More McConaughey
in "Lincoln Lawyer,"
less McConaughey
in "Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past."
Are we gonna have
any non-McConaughey examples?
(Imitates Matthew McConaughey)
All right, all right, all right.
Last question.
It's 9:00 AM.
She's still in your bed.
What do you do, playboy?
Read her the haiku I stayed up
all night writing for her?
I'm kidding!
Don't worry. I got it.
Well, then...
Go get her.
(Exhales deeply)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait, man!
Your breath smells
like tuna fish.
You're eating
a tuna fish sandwich.
(Laughs) That's right.
Remember, start her off
with a compliment.
- Pshh.
- Mm.
Hey, girl.
You look like a gremlin.
(Chuckles)
But in a good way.
I mean, they were so cute,
right?
Anyway, I'm not, uh,
looking for a commitment.
Just wanna take you home
and do stuff...
to you.
Man, it's like watching
your kid die in battle.
Ugh.
(Robotic voice) Hey, boo,
would you make sweet love to me
if I talked like this?
(Clicks tongue)
I'm not high anymore.
Laurie, I hate that outfit.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Okay, why is Travis wasting
his time talking to that skank?
- Ugh.
- Look, who knows how long
these two are gonna be okay
with sex robots?
You have to get on board.
I know they cost, like,
60,000 bucks apiece,
but maybe we can
go halvsies on one.
You know, get...
two different heads.
I am not making love
to a robot.
Yes, I said what you think
I said.
Babe, calm down.
No!
For me, if you truly
love someone,
then you don't need
anything else.
Wait!
Sorry.
Well, since it's just us,
you wanna get a bottle
of champagne and maybe...
Mnh. (Hums)
Oh, I am so getting a robot.
(Jules) Ow! Son of a butt!
It's almost passed.
This stage is what we doctors
refer to as the ring of fire.
(Jules) Ohh!
Aah!
(Wailing loudly)
You know,
when I close my eyes,
it's almost like
a horse giving birth.
(Jules sighs) Ahh!
(Men) Ahh!
Whoo! That was a wild ride!
- Where's dad?
- He left.
(Door closes)
Damn.
Tom says no more shots.
Just taking off like that?
It's not cool.
I know how bad
kidney stones hurt.
When I passed mine, I bit
your Uncle Jim's pinkie off.
Is that why he used to talk
to us through that hand puppet?
That and a bunch
of emotional issues.
He's still in jail.
358 more years.
So you just...
doin' some night mowing?
I tried to come down
and get my mail,
but the damn thing
ran out of gas.
But don't worry about me,
J-bird. I'm fine here.
Okay. Then I'll just
check on you tomorrow.
I'm kidding.
Let me just give you
a hand.
0 for 11.
That was humiliating.
Oh, come on, buddy.
It wasn't that bad.
How do you figure?
I was not expecting
a follow-up question.
Look, the worst a girl can do
is say "no."
Really? Because the last
young lady I talked to
asked me how severe
my Asperger's was.
(Whispers)
Does he have Asperger's?
(Mouths words)
Look, I don't have it,
okay?
I'm just not cut out
to be a player. Playa.
(Sighs) All right. You know
what the problem is, Trav?
You're trying to hit on girls
like G-man.
But you can't get all buff
and wax your chest
and convince girls
that you're straight.
He barely can.
- It is a tightrope.
- Come on.
You're this weird, goofy,
nerdy little dude.
Own it.
(Pats arm)
Hi.
I'm Travis Cobb.
I own a perfect replica of
the "Ghostbusters" proton pack,
which I actually wear
at least once a week,
usually with clothes.
I'm not looking
for anything serious,
but if you wanna hang out,
bust through seasons one and two
of "The Walking Dead,"
maybe throw together
some artisan flatbreads
and roll around a little,
then... let's do this.
Let's go.
Really? All right.
Oh... kay.
(High-pitched voice) Wah-ha!
- Yeah! (Laughs)
- Yeah! (Laughs)
- Are you packing?
- Yeah. I'm taking off.
Look,
it's-- it's not working.
Over a robot?
This is insane.
It's not about that. You
should've heard yourself today.
You know, you care more about
what's going on with Travis
than anything in my life.
What are you talking about?
Laurie, I-I love you. I do.
You know, but... I just don't
feel like you're all in.
You know,
and I can't sit around,
waiting with my fingers crossed,
losing to some 21-year-old
who doesn't even know
he's in the game.
Look, you have feelings
for him.
Babe...
Look, tell me I'm wrong,
and I will stay.
Yeah.
(Door opens)
You know,
when I was younger,
I tried to have sex
in this thing,
and I almost hung myself.
(Chuckles)
Your mom and I conceived you
in a movie theater.
Well, why would you
tell me that?
You put nasty pictures in
my head, I do the same to you.
(Chuckles)
Dad, why won't you let me
take care of you?
Oh, hell, June Bug.
You're my little girl.
I'm supposed
to take care you.
It's a dad's worst nightmare--
gettin' to the place
where his own child
has to be looking after him.
You were thrown from a horse.
That could happen to anyone.
I wasn't thrown.
I fell trying to get on.
I've been riding
my entire life.
I have never fallen once.
It's a slippery slope,
this getting old.
I'm just lucky that I have
lived such a great life.
Okay, you're not old.
I'm 76, honey.
Well, you can live...
another 40 or 50 years.
(Laughs)
My memory's
already starting to go.
Pretty soon, they're not
gonna let me drive anymore.
You have got so many great
things going on in your life.
You just shouldn't waste
a second of it on me.
Okay.
Well, tough crap.
I love you.
You have done everything
for me, so...
I'm gonna do the same for you
whether you like it or not.
What if someday
I'm not "me" anymore?
(Voice breaks) Maybe you won't
complain so much.
(Laughs)
(Laughs)
(Sniffles)
(Breathes deeply)
Oh, and I could put you in those
Hawaiian shirts that you hate.
You look so great.
(Grunts)
Thanks.
(Sighs)
Thanks back.
♪
Are you okay?
No.
All right. Come on, Jelly.
What? What is this?
Why are you being nice to me?
Did Tom give you another shot?
- No. Let's go make him
give us both one. - Okay.
(Sighs) Oh, my God.
What a day.
My mind is spinning.
(Lowered voice)
Do you think Laurie and Travis
will ever happen?
How much longer will my dad
be able to live on his own?
(Slurring) Dershwersher.
Babe, you don't get to know
the answer to those things.
Life is open-ended,
like "Inception"
or, for some of us,
"Grease."
I hate open endings.
(Man) ♪ forget who I am ♪
(Corkscrew continues rattling)
Seriously?
Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Hi, Uncle Jim.
Hello, Jules.
How's it goin'?
Oh, it's pretty good.
How's Travis?
Is he still
a bit of a shutterbug?
Oh, you know it.
Yeah, he loves it.
That's his major.
Good for him.
Ha! Following his dreams.
Hey, can I tell you
where I buried somethin'?
I gotta get going.
I'm all out of porn!
of "Inception"?
What the hell was that?
And here we go.
If someone could
go into your dreams,
then they should
do something nice,
like make me stop dreaming
of having sex with that
neck tattoo guy at your bar.
You dream about him?
(Chuckles) No.
Can you at least tell me
if "Titanic" guy
was really with his kids
at the end of the movie,
or was he still just dreaming?
I mean, did the top
stop spinning or not?
The movie is open-ended.
You get to decide for yourself
what happened.
We don't hit
when we're frustrated.
I don't like
open-ended movies.
That's why
I never liked "Grease."
How is "Grease" open-ended?
Where do they go
in the flying car, Travis?
I mean, do they live
in space now?
Yep. That's what "Grease 2"
was about-- "Grease" in space.
♪ "Grease 2. Grease in space" ♪
♪ we're doing the hand jive
with the alien race ♪
♪ blast away, away with me ♪
♪ we're summer lovin'
in antigravity ♪
♪ Grease in space ♪
Oh!
Man, I keep getting
this sharp pain in my stomach.
I don't have to worry, right?
(High-pitched voice)
Cancer!
My friend Nezzie had
stomach pains she ignored,
and then she had a baby
in contempo casuals.
She didn't keep the kid,
but they did make her
buy the miniskirt
that she got placenta on.
You should definitely
tell that story
when you host
the white trash awards.
Anyway, already called
the window doctor.
Morning. Let's, uh, check
your temperature.
All right. Mm.
(Mouth full)
Isn't this great?
We don't ever have to call
a real doctor anymore.
Uh, I'm-- I'm still
a real doctor.
(Laughs) Okay.
Yeah.
(Laughs)
Ellie, now that
Laurie and wade live together,
there's a new couple...
for our dinner rotation.
I say all six of us
go out tonight.
Oh, tonight would be a perfect
night for me not to do that.
Yeah, I'll pass, too.
You're both going.
Tom, my heart is not
in my under-boob.
Oh, sorry. Do you have
that urine sample?
Oh. Yeah, right here.
You have clean urine in your fridge?
(Refrigerator door opens)
Where were you when I applied for that job at Walmart?
(Refrigerator door closes)
Hmm. One of these
is chicken broth.
Oh, well, test them both.
Sweet. There's dinner.
(Rings)
(Suspenseful music playing)
What the hell was that?
You're getting landlined.
Nobody calls
your home phone anymore
unless the shizz
is sup serious.
(Ring)
Hello?
Grab a table, babe.
I'll be right over.
Ah! Look who got
a new girlfriend.
Nah, bro.
It's just the first date.
I always seem to get hung up
on one chick, you know?
But this time, I don't want
anything serious.
I just wanna slay some ass.
Ooh, quick tip--
guys who slay ass
never say "slay ass."
I don't think you can
pull off being a player.
You've always been
sort of an insta-committer.
I mean, you had a girl
move in with us at 5 years old
after one playdate.
That's because she said
her mom was an alien.
I had to save her.
But never again, okay?
From now on, I'm a player.
There's no "R." It's...
(High-pitched voice) playa!
(Telephone rings)
(Suspenseful music playing)
Uh-oh. Landlined.
(Ring)
I hope no one died, because
I don't have a dark suit.
(Ring)
Hello?
Who wants to go carry
an old man?
Just throw him
on the couch.
Watch your hands, Torres.
You touch me there again,
we're gonna have to move to
a blue state and get married.
It's the only place
I can get a grip.
Nothing on your body is
where it's supposed to be.
(Grunts) This would be
a lot easier
if we had a wheelchair.
Uhh!
I don't need
a damn wheelchair.
It's just
a little ankle fracture.
I was barebacking Annabelle,
and she bucked me off.
Ooh! Attaboy, chick-a-boom!
Get you some!
Annabelle's my horse.
(Chuckles) Oh, man.
Love is blind.
Okay, here's some chips,
soda...
oh, and the remote.
Now don't be a pain in the ass.
I'm not your servant.
(Whispers) I'm so excited
my dad's here.
Then why are you acting
so me-ish?
My dad won't let anyone
take care of him.
So to take care of him,
you have to pretend
you're not taking care of him.
If I ever get in an accident,
I want you to take care of me.
(Chuckles and gasps)
(Whispers indistinctly)
What is she doing?
Is she praying for you
to get in an accident?
It's my stomach.
It's just that I don't want to
look stupid when the pain hits,
so I'm t-boning.
Tebowing. A year late,
and you're still wrong.
Ooh! (Kisses) Yeah!
(Groans)
Close me out, barkeep.
This is a Hogwarts ID.
Yeah, I'm just pretending
to pay, dude.
(High-pitched voice)
Player move!
(Chuckles) Trav...
I'm not great
with the gals,
but I bet you
dad number two over here
can give you some pointers.
You just say the word,
and I'll teach you how to
stop thinking with your heart
and start thinking
with your disco stick.
I think I'm good.
Baby, my parents are so excited
we're driving to The Keys
tomorrow to meet them.
(Chuckles) Oh! I can't wait!
Teach me.
Trav wants to be
a player now?
That is just wrong.
It's like when Jewel released
that pop album.
Be real, girlfriend!
You have a snaggletooth,
and you play acoustic!
Uh, why are you so worried
about Travis?
All right,
let the kid have his fun.
Yeah, let the boy tap some...
(High-pitched voice) ass!
(Chuckles) Sorry. Trying to say
"ass" but in a cool way.
I am dying. Where's Jules?
(Telephone rings)
Landlined.
Hello?
Okay.
(Telephone receiver clatters)
Don't you say it.
Your friends aren't
gonna make it.
- Should I remove these seats?
- Should I remove your nuts?
Oh, it's not you.
She's just a horrible person.
Hey, we don't need
Jules and Grayson.
We have plenty to talk about.
(Clears throat)
You know, they just invented
a realistic sex robot in Japan.
Lot of talk on the internet
about whether or not
it's cheating.
I'm gonna go to bathroom
before I kill myself.
What are you doing here?
I'm in the bathroom.
How's it going with your dad?
Oh, it's awesome.
That's how people who won't
use crutches get up the stairs.
I'm still a man, damn it!
Jules, I got your test results.
You have a kidney stone.
I have only been
with Grayson.
Not an STD.
Okay. Well, great.
So what now?
You'll pass it eventually,
but kidney stones
are really painful.
(Chuckles) I birthed
Travis' giant square head.
I think I can handle
a tiny stone.
Besides, I'm fine.
The pain's gone.
That's the thing about stones.
You can go hours
feeling nothing,
- and then all of a sudden--
- Oh! Oh, God!
(Inhales sharply)
Oh, this is a big one!
Uh, some of my patients
find it soothing if I sing.
Oh, please don't!
(Deep voice) ♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ The trouble I've s-- ♪
Uhh!
Here you go.
J-bird, I don't want to
put you out of your own bed.
Take a damn nap. I'm fine.
Aah! Help me!
(Strained voice)
I can barely feel my feet!
Come on, now.
This is insane.
Just tell your dad that
you have a kidney stone.
Oh. He'll barely
let me take care of him now.
If he knew I was about to
black out in pain, he'd leave.
Oh! (Gasps) Ohh!
Wow. I have a more functional
relationship with my dad,
and he's dead.
You don't realize how stubborn
my dad is. (Grunts)
He doesn't even believe
in daylight savings time.
For six months a year, he's
an hour early to everything.
Or an hour late.
I'm not sure
which way it is. Oh.
(Kisses) Ahh.
Look, you're just as stubborn
as he is.
I'm not stubborn.
I'm just always right.
- Oh, I get that. - I'll be fine, dude,
because what you don't know is,
window doctor here is about
to give me a painkiller shot.
(Chuckles)
Why haven't we used him
like this before?
You'll feel a little prick
and then a needle.
(Chuckles) Doctor humor.
- That's why.
(Ellie) - Mm-hmm.
- Ooh! Wow.
- Mm.
(Whispers) There it is.
Okay, I'm gonna be fine.
You go back to work.
You go back to your date.
(Ellie) Well, if I have to deal
with the Jelly patrol...
hit me.
Ow! Ow!
That's fantastic!
(Elastic snaps)
(All) ♪ It's Grease in space ♪
♪ with flying cars ♪
♪ getting hickeys from kenickie
on planet Mars ♪
♪ Grease in space ♪
(Travis and Bobby laugh)
(Grayson) Now let's start class.
Lesson one--
how to get the ladies.
Let me guess--
lie your ass off till
the panties hit the floor?
Whoa! Playa's code--
no false promises.
You just gotta be honest
about what you want.
Like with me, it was
no morning cuddles,
no brunch,
ooh, and no leave-behinds.
I will throw those flip-flops
right into the trash.
Seriously, that works?
Just be honest?
Yeah, I mean, you gotta throw in
a little game. Wow.
What?
(Chuckles) Oh, nothin'.
It's just...
I guess I've never really looked
at your eyes.
They are so blue.
Good thing I'm not busy
'cause...
I don't think I can move
until you blink.
I'm not comfortable with what
I'm feeling right now.
What happened to you?
- Shh.
- Mm.
You're harshing my buzz.
We're still debating
whether or not
boning a robot is cheating.
(Whining) Can I get one, please?
I'll clean and walk and feed it.
It won't be cheating.
It'll look just like you.
Fine. Go nuts.
(Laughs)
But how would you clean it?
I mean, do you just jam it
into the dershwersher?
(Laughing) Dershwersher?
Dershwersher. There.
Your hair looks... amazing.
I don't know what's going on,
but I am finding you delightful.
I'm sorry, all right,
but I didn't just
fight for our country
to come back to a place where
people sleep with robots.
What about when you're older
and you can't do it
twice a day?
How am I gonna get
my cardio?
What's the difference between
me hopping on the elliptical
or me gettin'
my target heart rate up
by doing a little bump and grind
with a beep-boop?
Wow. (Laughs)
You are so funny.
(Laughing)
(Laughing)
Not a great time, Jules.
(Monitor beeping steadily)
The meds wore off.
It feels like a porcupine
is trying to
crawl out of my hoo.
Stupid window doctor.
(Beep)
(Tv playing indistinctly)
Would you jump up
and get that remote for me?
(Inhales sharply)
Ooh! You know what?
I love this show.
- That's a commercial.
- Oh.
And why are you sweating?
Oh, I don't know. I just--
I don't know which cereal
he's gonna like.
(Laughs) I'll get it myself.
(Grunts)
Ow! Oh! Oh! My ankle's...
oh! Oh! It's going...
(Grunts) down.
The ground is coming up.
Oh!
Dad, let me help you.
Ohh! (Gasps) Okay.
(Panting) I'm going down, too.
Uhh! (Gasps)
I know why
I'm laying down here.
Why are you?
I've got a kidney stone.
(Groans)
(Sighs)
Okay, let's go over
what we've learned.
Be confident
but not arrogant.
More McConaughey
in "Dazed And Confused,"
less McConaughey
in "Magic Mike."
Be honest but don't
give away too much.
More McConaughey
in "Lincoln Lawyer,"
less McConaughey
in "Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past."
Are we gonna have
any non-McConaughey examples?
(Imitates Matthew McConaughey)
All right, all right, all right.
Last question.
It's 9:00 AM.
She's still in your bed.
What do you do, playboy?
Read her the haiku I stayed up
all night writing for her?
I'm kidding!
Don't worry. I got it.
Well, then...
Go get her.
(Exhales deeply)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait, man!
Your breath smells
like tuna fish.
You're eating
a tuna fish sandwich.
(Laughs) That's right.
Remember, start her off
with a compliment.
- Pshh.
- Mm.
Hey, girl.
You look like a gremlin.
(Chuckles)
But in a good way.
I mean, they were so cute,
right?
Anyway, I'm not, uh,
looking for a commitment.
Just wanna take you home
and do stuff...
to you.
Man, it's like watching
your kid die in battle.
Ugh.
(Robotic voice) Hey, boo,
would you make sweet love to me
if I talked like this?
(Clicks tongue)
I'm not high anymore.
Laurie, I hate that outfit.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Okay, why is Travis wasting
his time talking to that skank?
- Ugh.
- Look, who knows how long
these two are gonna be okay
with sex robots?
You have to get on board.
I know they cost, like,
60,000 bucks apiece,
but maybe we can
go halvsies on one.
You know, get...
two different heads.
I am not making love
to a robot.
Yes, I said what you think
I said.
Babe, calm down.
No!
For me, if you truly
love someone,
then you don't need
anything else.
Wait!
Sorry.
Well, since it's just us,
you wanna get a bottle
of champagne and maybe...
Mnh. (Hums)
Oh, I am so getting a robot.
(Jules) Ow! Son of a butt!
It's almost passed.
This stage is what we doctors
refer to as the ring of fire.
(Jules) Ohh!
Aah!
(Wailing loudly)
You know,
when I close my eyes,
it's almost like
a horse giving birth.
(Jules sighs) Ahh!
(Men) Ahh!
Whoo! That was a wild ride!
- Where's dad?
- He left.
(Door closes)
Damn.
Tom says no more shots.
Just taking off like that?
It's not cool.
I know how bad
kidney stones hurt.
When I passed mine, I bit
your Uncle Jim's pinkie off.
Is that why he used to talk
to us through that hand puppet?
That and a bunch
of emotional issues.
He's still in jail.
358 more years.
So you just...
doin' some night mowing?
I tried to come down
and get my mail,
but the damn thing
ran out of gas.
But don't worry about me,
J-bird. I'm fine here.
Okay. Then I'll just
check on you tomorrow.
I'm kidding.
Let me just give you
a hand.
0 for 11.
That was humiliating.
Oh, come on, buddy.
It wasn't that bad.
How do you figure?
I was not expecting
a follow-up question.
Look, the worst a girl can do
is say "no."
Really? Because the last
young lady I talked to
asked me how severe
my Asperger's was.
(Whispers)
Does he have Asperger's?
(Mouths words)
Look, I don't have it,
okay?
I'm just not cut out
to be a player. Playa.
(Sighs) All right. You know
what the problem is, Trav?
You're trying to hit on girls
like G-man.
But you can't get all buff
and wax your chest
and convince girls
that you're straight.
He barely can.
- It is a tightrope.
- Come on.
You're this weird, goofy,
nerdy little dude.
Own it.
(Pats arm)
Hi.
I'm Travis Cobb.
I own a perfect replica of
the "Ghostbusters" proton pack,
which I actually wear
at least once a week,
usually with clothes.
I'm not looking
for anything serious,
but if you wanna hang out,
bust through seasons one and two
of "The Walking Dead,"
maybe throw together
some artisan flatbreads
and roll around a little,
then... let's do this.
Let's go.
Really? All right.
Oh... kay.
(High-pitched voice) Wah-ha!
- Yeah! (Laughs)
- Yeah! (Laughs)
- Are you packing?
- Yeah. I'm taking off.
Look,
it's-- it's not working.
Over a robot?
This is insane.
It's not about that. You
should've heard yourself today.
You know, you care more about
what's going on with Travis
than anything in my life.
What are you talking about?
Laurie, I-I love you. I do.
You know, but... I just don't
feel like you're all in.
You know,
and I can't sit around,
waiting with my fingers crossed,
losing to some 21-year-old
who doesn't even know
he's in the game.
Look, you have feelings
for him.
Babe...
Look, tell me I'm wrong,
and I will stay.
Yeah.
(Door opens)
You know,
when I was younger,
I tried to have sex
in this thing,
and I almost hung myself.
(Chuckles)
Your mom and I conceived you
in a movie theater.
Well, why would you
tell me that?
You put nasty pictures in
my head, I do the same to you.
(Chuckles)
Dad, why won't you let me
take care of you?
Oh, hell, June Bug.
You're my little girl.
I'm supposed
to take care you.
It's a dad's worst nightmare--
gettin' to the place
where his own child
has to be looking after him.
You were thrown from a horse.
That could happen to anyone.
I wasn't thrown.
I fell trying to get on.
I've been riding
my entire life.
I have never fallen once.
It's a slippery slope,
this getting old.
I'm just lucky that I have
lived such a great life.
Okay, you're not old.
I'm 76, honey.
Well, you can live...
another 40 or 50 years.
(Laughs)
My memory's
already starting to go.
Pretty soon, they're not
gonna let me drive anymore.
You have got so many great
things going on in your life.
You just shouldn't waste
a second of it on me.
Okay.
Well, tough crap.
I love you.
You have done everything
for me, so...
I'm gonna do the same for you
whether you like it or not.
What if someday
I'm not "me" anymore?
(Voice breaks) Maybe you won't
complain so much.
(Laughs)
(Laughs)
(Sniffles)
(Breathes deeply)
Oh, and I could put you in those
Hawaiian shirts that you hate.
You look so great.
(Grunts)
Thanks.
(Sighs)
Thanks back.
♪
Are you okay?
No.
All right. Come on, Jelly.
What? What is this?
Why are you being nice to me?
Did Tom give you another shot?
- No. Let's go make him
give us both one. - Okay.
(Sighs) Oh, my God.
What a day.
My mind is spinning.
(Lowered voice)
Do you think Laurie and Travis
will ever happen?
How much longer will my dad
be able to live on his own?
(Slurring) Dershwersher.
Babe, you don't get to know
the answer to those things.
Life is open-ended,
like "Inception"
or, for some of us,
"Grease."
I hate open endings.
(Man) ♪ forget who I am ♪
(Corkscrew continues rattling)
Seriously?
Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Hi, Uncle Jim.
Hello, Jules.
How's it goin'?
Oh, it's pretty good.
How's Travis?
Is he still
a bit of a shutterbug?
Oh, you know it.
Yeah, he loves it.
That's his major.
Good for him.
Ha! Following his dreams.
Hey, can I tell you
where I buried somethin'?
I gotta get going.
I'm all out of porn!