Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 8 - You and I Will Meet Again - full transcript

I heard this
great joke at work.

You work?

Shush it.

Okay, what do you call
a pastry chef with no arms?

Are you talking about
my friend Amanda?

Yeah, she can't be
a chef anymore

since she lost her arms
in that pilates accident.

Why do you always
make jokes so sad?

This will cheer you up.
I have really good news.

Are you sterile?

Wade and I
are moving in together.



Well, congratulations.

Congratulations.
That's wonderful news.

Ready to commit and handsome?

You are the total package, man.

You already have a best friend.

That doesn't mean I can't look.

(Chuckles) Okay.

Welcome to the gang, Wade.

I only joined this crew
a few weeks ago.

Huge honor. Don't blow it.

Oh, speaking of which,

we are out of wine.

And as the newest member--

I will buy some wine.



So, uh, what, two bottles?

(All laugh)

- Two bottles.
- Three bottles?

Oh, my God. Stop it.
(Laughing continues)

Hey, guys.

Tom's worried since he's
no longer the group new guy.

He needs a different role.

Group weirdo?

Group parrot face?

Group guy who's not
really in the group?

But I was thinking more like
a-a group cheerleader.

Someone who could
make us feel special.

I'd actually love that.

Oh, no.
It'd just be for me.

Fantastic idea, Jules.

Thanks, Tom.

(Laughs) I am never
gonna get sick of this.

(Laurie) You guys, Wade is

such a great person.

I really think
that I would like him

even if he wasn't black.

- Ooh.
- Oh, wow.

- Ohh.
- Yeah.

So how did Trav take it
when he found out

you two were shacking up?

I haven't really told him yet.

Emergency meeting.
Everyone out except Laurie.

What?

Hey. (Speaks indistinctly)

I'm worried
our kid's getting dumber.

Today I caught him
in the toilet

wearing goggles.

Take him somewhere
where he can learn something,

like the library.

- Mm.
- Do it.

Sure. That'll be fun.

(Motors whirring)

Man, I love the library!

Yee-haw!

See ya, suckers.

(Laughs) He finally outgrew
his devil baby stage, huh?

Yeah, Stan's been a real angel.

But you know what that means.

He's plotting something,

something big.

No.

(Hip-hop music playing)

(Man) ♪ Yeah ♪

With all this Wade stuff,
I have to ask,

how come you and Travis
never happened?

Trav is... awesome.

You know, he's sweet
and he's smart.

But it's weird.

You know, I saw him
naked in the bathtub

when he was, like, 12.

To be fair, his body has
changed a lot since then.

Wh-why would I...
(Chuckles)

What if things went bad

between me and Trav?

I mean, if I ever hurt him...

Well, I'd have to kill you.

(Laughs) Right.

(Laughs) No, seriously.
I would kill you.

I've thought about it,

and I know how
I'd get away with it.

My girl is super smart.
She can murder anyone.

Thanks, Tom.

Oh, thank you, Jules.

I need you
to be honest with me.

Is our friendship
the reason why

the two of you
haven't gotten together?

Sweetie...

'Cause it would kill me
if I ever thought

that I was keeping Travis
from being happy...

or you.

Yes, Travis and I have had...

all of those "almost" moments.

But if it was meant to be,
it would've happened, right?

I just don't see us
ever getting together.

I don't.

So you just moved in
with the girl

that's never said "no."

I assume there's a lot
of smacking, flipping,

and rubbing it down, oh, no?

Yeah, I actually like to keep
our private life private.

(Grayson and Ellie laugh)

She's already told you
everything.

Told us, showed us videos.

By the way, you have
amazing upper-body strength.

And beautiful glutes.

This, um, wouldn't be weird
if we were at a gym.

- Yes, it would.
- Yeah.

When we were younger,

I used to let Andy
hit this constantly.

Now it's only on Sunday
when Tom mows his grass.

The sound of the mower covers

the wheezing and grunting noises
that Andy makes.

- Okay, I gotta go.
- Where?

Anywhere.

Once a week
on Sunday afternoons?

Girl, you nasty.

You think Jules doesn't
tell me everything?

You guys only got married
a few months ago,

and you only do it
one and a half times a week.

Oh, yeah?

I have no comeback to that.

Another emergency meeting.

Why do we only have sex
one and a half times a week?

Are we already old and boring,
and what's the half?

That's that thing I let you
watch me do in the shower.

Oh. Okay, yeah.
Fair enough.

- Ellie, did you do this?
- Yep.

Would it make it better

if tomorrow, we have
the sexiest day ever?

Ooh, yeah.

Forget one and a half.

We'll turn those halves
into wholes.

Ooh. It'll be all wholes
all day.

(Laughs)

Did I say something funny?

Not on purpose.

Okay, who's gonna tell Travis
about Laurie and Wade?

I mean, this is sensitive,
so I want to limit this

to the people
who really need to be here.

I mean, Laurie, it's about you.
Bobby, you're his dad.

Grayson, you're my husband.
And Ellie's my rock.

♪

It would've been easier
to say "everyone but Andy."

Look, babe, if you want me
to tell Travis,

I will.

That's not sincere.

Nope.
Just trying to score points.

Okay, let's cut to the chase.

It's clear it has to be either
the girl who broke his heart

or the suffocating mom.

(Laughs) Wow. When'd you
finally realize

that you suffocate him?

Friday night.

I woke up in the middle of
the night missing him,

and well, long story short,
I broke into his place

and I crawled into bed
with him.

And then his roommates
"caught us," and whatever.

Just bad.

Again?

I know I should be the one

to tell Travis.

I just can't stand the thought
of hurting him.

Oh. Maybe that's the answer.

Maybe we do sexy times once,

but I make it so bad

that it takes all of the magic
out of it. Right?

Only, you guys, I don't know
if I can be bad in bed.

Jelly Bean,

your head hurts when you try
to solve problems, doesn't it?

- It actually does.
(Jules) - Fine.

I've gotta go to his place
and get my mouth guard anyway.

I'll do it.

You'll do what?

Start our quiet contest now.

And go.

(Inhales deeply)

You rock, Jules.
You're the quietest.

Shh.

(Mouths words)

You ready to start
the sexiest day ever?

Let's do this.

Welcome to naked day.

Mm.

Did you ever notice

how many things in this house
are boob-high?

I actually graduated
from boob high.

Really?

You're right.
Naked day's serious.

Come on.
Let's have some coffee.

Nope. I have to stay
in this spot.

It's the only place
in the house

where the light really works
on a 43-year-old body.

You look amazing.

Aww, thanks, honey, but watch.

"Top model."

"Top chef."

Oh, baby!
(Door opens)

Oh, baby.
(Door closes)

Morning.

- Nice tush.
- Oh.

Seriously?

Calm down. I've seen
her junk a million times.

We decided that her nipples

would look better on my boobs
and vice versa.

I'd have to see 'em
side by side.

Jules is rockin'
the birthday suit.

Now we have a party.

Thanks, Tom. (Laughs)

Whoa. Why are you
putting on your robe?

I've got a quick
emergency meeting about Travis,

but I'll be back
before you know it,

nude, standing in my spot.

You know how Grayson
calls his chest "the truth"

and his back "justice"?

Well, I think he should call
his johnson "the American way."

That's gold, J-bird,
but why tell me?

Well, he won't let me
nickname it.

I think he might let you do it.

Ah, I got you.
All right.

I'll bring it up next time
we're at a urinal.

I thought you called
this emerg meeting

to help figure out
how to break the news to Trav.

Hey, just don't
coddle the boy, okay?

Hit him with the harsh truth.

Bobby, you know Travis
doesn't handle bad news well.

Remember last time,
he took off to Hawaii.

What?

You guys, that's the right
way to say Hawaii.

I don't care.
I still hate it.

Look, whenever I have to give
crappy news to Travis,

I like to get him
in a happy place

so he can handle it.

I used to have
the perfect system.

You failed kindergarten.

You gave
the whole school head lice.

Your dad and I
are getting a divorce.

Shocker.

Didn't see that one coming
for the last five years.

Still want to get ice cream?

You know it.

Huh.

Grayson's doing dishes
buck naked.

Not bad.

Whose do you like more,
mine or G-man's?

Mm. Sixes.

Six and a halfs.

Mm.

Dad, can you toss me
my crayons?

Maybe drawing a picture
will keep his mind off

whatever horrible thing
he's plotting.

Don't assume that Stan's
up to something bad.

I mean, if you expect
the worst out of kids,

then that's what
you're gonna get.

Hell, my parents always figured
I'd drop out of college,

and I did.

So you're saying
if they were supportive,

you would've graduated?

Oh, well, let's not get crazy.

School's for nerds.

Oh, I do not feel good.

(Groans) This always happens
whenever I disagree with you.

(Inhales deeply) You don't
know my kid, Bobby.

(Strained voice) You're wrong.

Oh, I have got to lie down.

First Jules questions
my parenting, and now you?

I mean, I'm a good parent,
damn it.

When Travis lost a toenail,

you super glued it
back to his foot

and stuck
all of his toes together.

He made the swim team,
didn't he?

All right, guys.
Travis is on his way.

Now everyone's here
that needs to be here.

We have the rock, the dad,
the girl, the husband...

I got nothing.

I don't understand why I don't
get to be part of Travis' pain.

Okay, guys. It's showtime.
Everybody act really happy.

Happy.

Well, if E-train does that...

(Chuckles)
he'll know something's up.

Good point.
Ellie, be yourself.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, paleface.

How's the sun feel
for the first time?

This is 50.
This is you.

Look how close they are.
(Laughs)

May I kill him?

Sweetie! Come on now.

Let's go racing!

(Tires squealing)

(Man) Whoo!
(Laughs)

Aww, Stan.

(Dramatic music playing) Aah!

Not good! Not good!
Not good!

You sure you want to do this?

Oh, yeah.

When naked day
gets put on hold,

we knock it out
in a public bathroom.

(Chuckles) That's how we roll.

Okay, no one's looking.
Let's go. Go, go, go.

Mm. (Laughs)
(Laughs)

Ew! Whoo!

That is a smell I have
never smelled before.

That's like a-- that's like
a hot stink.

Ugh. Oh, come here.

(Both moaning)

(Laughs)

Ohh! Oh! Oh!

What?

(Strained voice) You zipped it.

Oh, God.

It's stuck.
"The American way" is stuck.

Oh, did Bobby talk to you?

- I think I'm gonna black out.
- Oh.

How'd it go in there,
lover boy?

Die.

Whoo!

(Travis) Oh!

(Bobby) Whoo!

Fine. You won.
But that was close.

Oh, please, child.

I was putting lipstick on
when I passed you.

No, seriously. I was
putting lipstick on. (Laughs)

I don't even care.
That was so fun.

Why don't we go out
to lunch and talk?

(Wade) - Hey, there you are.
- Hi.

- Hey, look, I know you're hanging
with your friends and all. - Yeah.

But, uh, I don't know my way
around your town still,

and I can't find our place.

Oh.
(Chuckles)

Wait. You guys...
you guys moved in together?

Yeah, we did, actually.

That's great.

That's, uh, you know, great.

Did you guys hear the news?

Really?

Is that why we're here?

Is this just another coin-operated car?
(Gears click)

Travis, let me explain!

Whoa! Whoa!
(Tires squeal)

- Aah! Oh! Oh!
- Go, go, go, go, go!

Travis!

Aah!

How much for these?

(People murmur indistinctly)

That stupid go kart crash
cost me 600 bucks.

On the plus side,
we all have new sunglasses.

(All chuckle)

Dude! Could you please
put something on?

It's naked day, damn it.

You shave your butt?

That's my business.

He doesn't.
I do it for him.

Okay, guys, we need to focus.

Trav is probably mad
at all of us.

J-bird, would I be
throwing you under the bus

if I called Trav and said
that I wanted to

tell him upfront,
but you wouldn't let me?

Yes.

Well, then I'm sorry for

throwing you under the bus
about an hour ago.

That's so unfair.

I can't even apologize now
since he took off again.

Ah, where'd he go, Hawaii?

Okay.

I have warned you.

If you say it like that again,

we are so fighting.

(Beeps) (Travis) Mom...

(Sighs) I want you to know
that I'm okay,

but I don't want to talk.

Gonna camp out for a while.

Just gonna live off the land.

Maybe grow a beard
if that's even possible.

Don't look for me.

Oh, this is all my fault.

I'm such a bad mom.

(Beep) The worst mom!

Okay, I think it's time
for that to be over.

She knows what she wants.

(Lowered voice) I don't think
I can make him stop.

She doubts herself.
She's only human.

I'll go.

If Trav really is, uh, camping

in what appears to be
the Amazon,

why is he holding a TV remote?

Emergency meeting. Now.

Great.

(Footsteps running)

Stan?

Buddy, is that you?

(Switch clicks)

Stan?

Stan? Oh! Oh!
Oh, don't kill me!

Take your mom!
I love you more than she does!

Aah! (Grunts)

(Laughs)

Huh.

(Exhales)

(Ellie) Oh.

There is nothing sadder

than a naked guy
all alone on naked day.

I thought my wife would care
if I was nude for her.

If you ever write
a suicide note,

that's how it should start.

The cliche's true.

When you first fall in love,
it's all hot and sexy.

And then you get married,
and then it's once a week,

lights off, socks on.

Jules wears socks?

Two pair.

Her feet and her hands
get cold.

I am stealing that.

Look, dime eyes.

We're not young, stupid couples

that are naked all day

or trying to get hep C by
doing it in public bathrooms.

Until I started torturing you,

weren't you happy with your
one and a half times a week?

I guess.

Well, then stop acting like
it's the end of the world.

Thanks.

Sure. I'm sorry.

I can't really have
a nice moment with you

when you have it
tucked behind like that.

I was trying to be respectful.

Just put it out.

I know you're probably not happy
to see either one of us.

No, no. It's... great.

I mean, most people
don't get a chance

to actually live out
their worst nightmare.

O-okay.

Who's gonna
get this ball rolling?

So, Laurie...

what's new?

Just the whole "me moving in
with Wade" thing.

Right.

I'm really sorry, Travis.

I... I should've told you.

No, it's cool.

I'm mostly pissed at her.

(Cell phone rings)
(Whispers) Okay.

Yeah.
(Beeps)

Hey, babe, it's not really
a good time.

Oh, I don't care
what we have for dinner.

(Grunts)

Throttle it back, Ando.

Ah, I can't.
My heart is racing.

(Inhales deeply)
Oh, I think I'm gonna die.

- Oh. - Okay, I'm here for
you, buddy. All right?

Just look into my eyes.

(Exhales) They're so blue.

There. All better.

Why would you mess with me?

My world doesn't work
if you mess with me.

Everyone jokes about Stan
being a devil baby.

But not you.

You never bought into it,

and that's what makes you
such a great person.

You're the guy that always
believes in everyone,

even me. (Chuckles)

And I use an old bathroom candle
as deodorant.

So from one father to another,

you gotta always
believe in your son.

(Sighs deeply)

I hear you.

(Toilet flushes)

Aah!

(Laughs)

Thanks for all these shades.

I've always wanted to this.

You know this whole thing
with Laurie--

I-I was just trying
to protect you, right?

I know, mom.

Well, your dad says
I need to stop doing that.

He thinks I need to let you
face the harsh truth

every once in a while.

He's probably right.

I mean, sometimes your dad
is a better parent than me.

No, he's not.

Sorry.
No, he's not.

No, sometimes he is,

because he knows that it's--

it's not how you deal
with the good times

that makes you
a stronger person.

It's how you
handle disappointment.

Fine. Harsh truth.

Do Laurie and I have a shot
at ending up together?

Well, we don't need to start
harsh-truthin' it right away.

Mom, j-- (Sighs)

Okay.

No.

She said that she has
something real with Wade now.

I am sorry.

No, it's...

it's good.

'Cause I can finally just...

let it go.

I'm free. (Chuckles)

I'm glad.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, I just want to say that

I'm really happy
for you and Wade.

I mean it.

You know, you're moving
forward in your life.

And... I should, too.

And, uh, I think
it's a good thing.

Thanks. (Chuckles)

So... I'll see you around.

Always.

(Laughs)

(Kisses) - Bye, honey.
- Bye.

(Cloud Control) ♪ there's
something you should know ♪

Uh...

What's wrong?

Just that...

it seems like he got over me
really fast.

But that's good.

Mm.

That's what I want.

Jules, is that what I want?

Oh, good God.

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

Wow. Today was
a giant crap sandwich.

You don't have to do that.

It's naked day
for three more hours.

Yeah.

Look,

I've been thinking, Jules.

I'm... (Sighs) I'm happy
with what we have.

You know, we're in our 40s,

and I don't want hep C.

What now?

Oh, it made sense
when Ellie said it.

Look, the point is that

one and a half times a week
is fine.

And that half thing you do,

that is special.

Seriously, people would pay
to see that.

Really?

All right.
You listen to me.

We're not Ellie and Andy.

I mean, if you're happy
with what we're doing,

then I'm cool with it.

But if you're not,
I'm game for anything.

Seriously?

Yes.

And I don't want Ellie
messing with our marriage.

Now you take your clothes off

and come outside
and finish naked day.

Why outside?

You're gonna have to stop
asking questions. Okay?

♪ Oh ♪

Jules! Seriously?

They're having sex
in the backyard.

(Mutters)

(Giggles)

Get back to bed.

Come on!

Dad!

Stan!

Dad, help!

Oh.

- Dad! Dad!
- Don't worry, buddy.

- Dad, help!
- Daddy's coming.

- Dad!
- Stan.

Stan!

Dad, help!

Daddy!

- Wait. What?
- Dad, help!

(Clicks button)

Stan, no!

(Scraping)
No! (Groans) (Thuds)

Oh, I believe in you, Stan.