Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 7 - Flirting with Time - full transcript

When buyers show interest in Grayson's house, the crew is quick to judge their potential new neighbors. They also become nostalgic about when redneck Bobby and Jules first moved into the neighborhood. Meanwhile, Wade returns home from Afghanistan early, but Laurie's initial excitement quickly turns to fear when he becomes too clingy.

Oh. It's noon.
First wine of the day.

Mmm.

Ellie!

- Thanks, Boo.
- Mm!

When you have a husband
that's been wrapped

around your finger
since the day you met,

you can do things like that.

And this.

Hello again.

- Wha--
- I'm sure Grayson

pays attention to you
like that.



Watch and learn, girlfriend.

Grayson, where were you?

I'm relaxing. Could you maybe
not pour wine on the counter?

Could you maybe pretend
that you love me?

Stop spilling wine!

Stop not catching it!

Amateurs.

Mmm.

Really?

Okay, I don't care

what you're doing to my island
as long as it's consensual.

Wade is finally coming back
from Afghanistan tomorrow.

If I don't stretch it out,
I could sprain my snooze.

I've heard you call it
a sizzle, a hoo,



- a hot pocket...
- Bonnie hunt.

A no country for old men...

- Woolly mammoth.
- The hurt locker.

Jelly is a vagina thesaurus.

Oh.

A vaginasaurus.
Best dinosaur ever.

- Hey, Jules, good news.
- Hmm?

That couple from yesterday wants
to come back and see my house.

I think they might put down
an offer.

New neighbors?
Why was I not asked to approve?

You know how you hate
everyone and everything?

- Yes.
- That.

- Got it.
- But, guys,

this new couple is gonna
be perfect,

except for they are
into healthy living.

- Blech!
- No.

- They're vegan.
- Hate that.

- What?!
- And actually, they don't drink.

- I forbid it!
- No sale!

Yeah, screw those guys!

I mean, who needs
their $226,000? We don't.

We don't.
We don't. We don't. We don't.

No, no, no, no, no.
We do.

I knew that.

What are we doing?
Wade comes home tomorrow,

and I still have to sew, like,
three more sexy costumes.

Honey, cutting crotches
out of pants is not sewing.

Okay, you know
how I love those videos

of soldiers coming home
to surprise their families?

Totally.

Anyway, it turns out

that Wade's not coming home
tomorrow.

- What?
- Surprise!

- Oh.
- Oh!

Uh, this wasn't turned on yet.
We're gonna have to do it again.

Oh, my God!

Wade! Wade! Wade!

Do it again! Do it again!

- Are we really watching "Pretty Woman"?
- Shush it.

He's about to close
the necklace box on her fingers.

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh!

And boom!
A star is born.

You guys don't actually like
rom-coms, do you?

I mean, they're all dumb cliches
and hacky meet-cutes.

No real couples
ever meet like that.

Every great couple has
a meet-cute story--

Adam and Eve.

Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Oh, you and my mom.

Hey, wait.
What was yours again?

She came over
to borrow a plunger.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
I wasn't ready.

Tell it again
from the beginning.

Oh, I had a great meet-cute
with Trav.

They pulled him out
and put him in my arms.

But they forgot to tell me
how slippery he was.

He kinda just got away from me.

Hence, square head.

Kills at parties.

We just love the neighborhood.

What a great yoga yard.

Tell me about it, sister.

There's nothing that I love
more than yoga.

- We should meet every morning.
- Make me stop.

Hey, neighbor!
Welcome to the sac!

Andy, put away Tobey Maguire!

- Oh.
- I hate that I know you named it that.

Yo! I'm
putting a militia together.

You sons of bitches ready
to take the country back?

Andy, are you coming?
I had to start without you.

Oh! Are you two
the new neighbors?

Hot damn,
you two have pretty mouths.

Plus, with those bike shorts,

you can totally see
what he's packing.

- Check it.
- Oh.

Seriously?!

Oh! I think I sweated off
my birth control patch.

Ahh.

- Baby, what is all over your head?
- Huh?

Oh, it's just
some of that drywall.

Oh.

Sorry.

So when are you going back
to Minnesota?

I'm sure your family
and all your buddies

really wanna see you.

Oh, I'm back for good.

I just want to spend
as much time with you as I can.

How long do I get to keep you
here in Florida?

Oh, I don't know.

Until, uh... question mark?

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Oh. What was that?

- No, I'm good. I'm good.
- You good? Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

All right,

everybody, empty your pockets
right now.

Come on. You're gonna
pay me back every cent

you just lost me on that house.
Let's go.

$20,

$51

and a...

That's my treasure map.

For the hundredth time,

that is a menu
from Long John Silver's.

Maybe we should all apologize
to Grayson.

I'm sorry, babe.

- Sorry, babe.
- Sorry, G-man.

They were wearing
spandex shorts.

I do not apologize.

Those people could've
turned out to be great.

We can't choose our neighbors
on first impressions.

I mean, if you had done that,

none of us would be here
right now.

When Jules
and Bobby the cable guy here

tried to buy this house,

I was not thrilled.

What was so awful about Jules?

Peanut.

You got it, hot lips.

Mmm.

Oh, baby.

It's perfect!

Oh, my God. Rednecks.

Hey, lady!

Oh, I don't want that.

Man! I can't wait
to hear this story.

You were there, you hillbilly.

Yeah, but my memory's a little
shaky ever since you...

I can't remember.

When I need to jog my memory,
I just jolt my brain like this.

That plus that equals me.

I want to know how you two
ever became friends.

- I mean, you're like a lovable
little puppy... - Ooh.

And you're like
a lady who eats puppies.

Is it weird that
that makes me hungry?

Sweetie, I would love...

A burger and fries. On it.

Man, you should've seen
J-bird back in the day.

Believe it or not, we were
a bit on the white trash side.

Can you please
not talk about that?

I mean, I'm not like that
anymore.

Your past is who you are.
You have to own it.

I mean, look at you.

What? It feels good.

Wait. Wait up!

Hi. I'm Jules.
You can call me J-bird.

- No, thank you.
- This is my husband.

Reginald Buttbart III.

Joking.
Name's Bobby Cobb.

Are you two from Planet Nascar?

Oh, that is a nice suit.

Are you a weather girl?

I'm a lawyer.

- Ooh.
- A girl lawyer?

Wow! That sounds like
a TV show.

We gotta shake up this case.

Bring in girl lawyer.

Yeah, baby! It's like
"Matlock" with knockers.

Hey. So we really love
this house.

Do you know who's selling it?

- Actually, Andy and I are.
- Oh, that's great.

We're gonna be girlfriends,
girlfriend.

Me and you just tanning
our cheeks

- on the front lawn together.
- I don't tan cheeks.

Oh, honey, no man wants
to tap a white ass.

Thank you for that tip.

Oh, wait. Do you know
where this Andy fella is?

He's up there.

- Heaven?
- Space?

On the roof?

Well, that was
on the tip of my tongue.

I want you
on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, come, baby.

Wait a second.

If Ellie didn't like you,
why did she agree to sell?

She didn't.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, you.

Hey.

And that's
what we call a meet-cute.

Get some friends your own age.

Can I get you two anything?

Water? Beers?
A cup of spermicide?

I'll be right back, okay?
I'm gonna call mom.

Okay. Hurry back, baby.

- Did that hurt?
- Yes.

Andy, I can't do this.

Ow!

I don't think that Wade's
ever going home.

Good. It'd be nice not being
the only minority around here.

Oh, right.

You're Hispanic.
I always forget that.

Yeah, me, too.

Andy, Wade said he's planning
to stay "until question mark."

When I'm at a party
until question mark,

it means I'm never leaving.

Once I was at a rave so long
that I forgot my own name,

shaved my head, and everyone
started calling me Sasha.

It turns out I was
actually in a cult.

They were fun guys.

They're all dead now. Mm.

Welcome to your new home, Trav.

Golf Heaven, Florida.

It's Gulfhaven, Bobby.

Oh, look.
It's girl lawyer.

Watch me make friends.

All right, but I need
those briefs today.

Well, I'll try, but I am swamped
with other law stuff.

Okay. But let's skip
the motion to dismiss

and just move
for summary judgment now.

Well, that sounds
like a good idea.

I hear Judge Wapner's
in a crap mood.

- I'm on the phone!
- Well, that's what makes it funny.

I'll call you back.

Tonight's our first night
in the new house.

What do you say you and Andy
come over for dinner?

I'll cook you
something real nice.

- Squirrel?
- Don't be ridiculous.

It's summer.

What do you say?

Oh, I get it.

You're the lonely, needy girl

who pushes her way
into people's lives.

So sad.

Have a great day, y'all.

Her-dee-der!

Yeah! Her-dee-der!

I am not needy!

I'm gonna make that
pale-ass icy bitch love me

whether she likes it or not.

Wait. Where's Travis?

Oh!

Oh! Drink up, bitch!

Whoa.

What? You never seen cousins
fountain-fight

over a Jeff Gordon sweat rag?

Catch you later, cutie.

Even you and Laurie
had a meet-cute?

If you're asking if we had
a moment in which destiny itself

reached down and tapped us
on the shoulders,

as if to say, "you could
one day end up together,"

then the answer is
yes, we had that moment,

and no, you did not.

Oh, honey. Did you not tell them
about our plunger story?

I was gone for 30 seconds.

There were two burgers
and fries in there.

I eat when I'm freaked, okay?

I love Wade,

but until yesterday,
he was just a long disty.

And, yes, I maybe told him
that I wanted to have

beautiful half-black, naturally
blonde babies with him,

but that doesn't mean
that I'm ready

for things to be super serious.

I really think that he and I
need to slow things down.

Yeah, that's not gonna work.

You two have been taking it slow
for over a year,

and now he's home
and he's probably looking to see

if this is gonna be
something real.

Laurie, you're either on that
train with him or you're not.

Maybe he's not totally on it.

Maybe he wants to slow the train
down, too, you know?

- Hey. Sorry.
- Oh. Hi. Hi.

Hey. Um, mom won't let me
get off the phone

until I tell you you're invited
for Easter.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah.

All aboard!

Hi. I'm not much of a wine gal,
but this guy I met downtown

told me this stuff is perfect
for making friends.

What do you say?

Ow! Ah!

Why would you put your foot
in the door

if you're not wearing shoes?

Seems dumb now.

Oh, yeah.
This toenail's a goner.

Are you comfortable there?
Do you need a banjo?

Great. More redneck jokes.

So... tell me
about you and Andy.

How long have you two
been married?

- We're not married.
- Oh. Is he gay?

I'm not talking to you
about this.

Are you gay?

Look, you dress like a boy.

I've died, and this is my hell.

Well, why aren't
you two married?

Wha-- doesn't he love you?

Yes.

I don't know. Maybe.

Here it comes.

I love that
hairy little bald guy so much,

but we've been together
for three years.

He still hasn't pulled
the trigger.

He's got me wrapped around
his finger, J-bird.

What if he never asks?

What did I do?

Promise me
you'll never tell anyone this.

I promise.

Right.

Shoot.

Let's start with the
bad thing I did.

I told your secret.

But the great thing?
I kept it for years.

The only secret I kept longer

was the one about Travis and his
second grade girlfriend--

this blonde gal named Erin,

who, turns out, wasn't a girl.

I'm not kidding.
They actually kissed.

I-I just don't know why
you're so upset.

Because when we met,
I was a successful attorney.

Jules, I used to
make judges cry.

They called me
"Tiger Bitch."

Grayson still does.

Now the one thing that makes me
feel good about myself

is that I have a husband

who has worshiped me
since the day we met.

I feel embarrassed now
that everybody knows that

that wasn't always the case.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Question--

does Travis know
that Erin was a boy?

Don't ever tell him.

And when I got to the other end

of that spaghetti string,

there he was.

The ultimate meet-cute.

So you're claiming you went
to an Italian restaurant,

didn't realize
that they also sat

a 300-pound animal
at your table,

and then you and this dog

also picked up the opposite ends
of the same noodle,

and continued to slurp
until your lips met?

Sounds real to me.

I mean, that's why
they became best friends.

The idea that there is
such a thing

as a spontaneous,
magical moment

where two people lock eyes
and have an instant connection

is stupid and fake

and... damn it!

Why couldn't I have had a moment
like that with Jules?!

Told you this would be fun.

Yep.

No, mom, Laurie eats ham.

Okay, no, y-you don't have to
make anything special.

If Wade stays in Florida,
it's just to be with me.

That's too much pressure.

I like Wade.

He corrected my Dougie.

I was putting
way too much elbow into it.

- Yeah, he's a really good dancer.
- Yeah, really good.

But, Andy, what's next?
Marriage?

I'm used to having
my own space.

And his bags are just sitting
there in my living room,

all piled up,
waitin' to be unpacked.

It's literally
my worst nightmare.

My worst nightmare is
cats walking on two legs.

Just...

What are you doing?

Look, letting Wade
into your life is a big risk,

but give it a shot.

If it doesn't feel right,
then bail,

but don't miss out
just because you're scared.

Trust me, I almost made
that mistake.

Hey, you think I can get
this penny in that can?

- Ohh!
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

What should we call it?

- Penny toss.
- Penny toss.

- Mm?
- Mm, nah. Let's keep thinking.

Mm?

Hey!

Are you gonna ask Ellie
to marry you or what?

Uh, is she serious?

Well?

Look, lady I just met,

Ellie's great,
but I still have questions.

I mean, is she the one?
Will she be a good mom?

Is she only with me
because her mom--

and I quote--
hates the ethnics?

Look, I get
that Ellie is difficult.

I mean, she can be
downright nasty.

Abrasive, contentious...

- Horrible!
- Spiteful...

- Grizzly!
- Vile...

- Snakelike. - We're running out of
different ways to say "mean."

But I do love her.

So you're just scared.

Well, not
cat-walking-on-two-legs scared,

but... yeah.

She's a bitch.

That's a good one.

We're done with that.

Okay, you need to sac up
before you lose Ellie forever.

Jules!

Oh! Cool!

It's like I work
at Taco Bell. What's up?

I just wanted to say,

look at my ring,
my ring, my ring.

He proposed!

Get over here
and let me see that thing.

Aah!

I'm sorry I just screamed
in your face.

Oh, I get that a lot.

The name's Tom. I, uh,
live across the street.

Before you say what we're
both thinking, I'm married.

I'm kinda diggin' this
flirty thing we got going,

sort of a "will they
or won't they?" Vibe.

We're gonna have fun with this.

Okay, well, I'm not sure what
you're talking about,

but, um, nice to meet you.

Pop in any time you want.

Ah, you'd like that,
dirty bird.

Ew.

My goodness, that rock is huge!

Mine's half the size
and it's fake.

I thought we could finally
drink this.

Does this mean
what I think it means?

We're friends, aren't we?

Let's get matching toe rings.

Not unless we're forced to
at gunpoint.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Bring it in.

Oh, I don't.

- Oh, come on.
- That's not my--

- uhh!
- Aw!

Ohh!

I'm not gonna let go
till you hug me.

Wow, you're annoying.

I know! But I'll always
have your back.

And I'm more loyal
than I am mean.

Oh. Well, you're real loyal,
aren't you?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mm.

I love this stuff!

I need
a bigger glass. Mm!

- And we sip it.
- Mm!

I don't.

Wow.

I'm so glad we found
each other.

The cracker and the bitch.

It's like what you said.

Our past is who we are.

We have to own it.

♪ if only life
would lean our way ♪

Go.

- Do I have to?
- Yes.

♪ We'd run away to be ♪

♪ wherever our adventure waits ♪

Since the day we met,

I always thought you were
too good for me.

I love you.

Laurie ate your burger,

and then I ordered you
another burger,

and I ate that burger.

It's all right.

♪ A distant memory ♪

♪ nobody could tell us to stay ♪

Hey.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to get
my stuff out of your way.

I tell you what.

Why don't we go unpack them?

Really?

Yeah.
I can find some room.

♪ My way,
I heard your heart... ♪

Hey, do you ever wish we had
a cute magical story

about how we met?

♪ I heard your heart saying... ♪

Sweetie,

I wouldn't change a thing.

♪ I heard your heart saying
love, love, love ♪

Oh, gosh!

- Oh, I'm so sorry!
- Oh! Sorry.

Oh, my goodness!

I just-- I've been
so scattered lately.

I've been trying to win over
this neighbor of mine,

and she's
a pretty sophisticated gal,

and...
well, I'm not. So...

- here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

Uh, you know what?

Why don't you take this?
It's great for making friends.

Okay. Thanks.

Bye.

♪ Whoa, oh ♪

♪ love, love, love ♪

Travis?

Hi.

I'm sorry. I'm not
sure how we know each other.

It's me. Erin.

We were
in second grade together.

Great seeing you, man.

You, too, dude.