Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Lover's Touch - full transcript

Hello? Hello?

Not now, Tom. Can't really talk.

I've got a family dinner tonight.

You'd understand if you had kids.

My son Bryce is a marine,
and Haylee's in law school.

We've been neighbors for 12 years.

Do you even know me?

You know, this conversation isn't
really gonna go well for me,

so I'm just gonna give
you a blanket "sorry,"

but please thank Bryan for his
service to our country.

Bryce. Bryce.



Ah, it's nice to see you two bonding.

I wanted this to be a nice family dinner.

No one could set the table?

We should just eat caveman
style. No dishes to clean.

Get the shades.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Give me some of that.

Did you at least wash your hands?

Oh, the Queen of England

wants to know if our hands are clean.

Shut your face.
You shut your face.

Now it's a family dinner.

Come on, dig in, prissy pants.

I'm on a tight schedule.

Ellie and Laurie are coming over



to work on our guest list for our wedding.

I thought we were gonna hang out tonight.

I mean, ever since we got engaged,

you're so busy with wedding stuff.

You want to help out a little?

Pass the potatoes?

Ah, attaboy. Gravy chaser?

Mm.

Mm. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Trav, honey, you look so tired.

If you're gonna drive
back to school tonight,

you're gonna have to
drink a lot of caffeine.

I'll give you some sleeping
pills to bring you down.

Well, as much as I appreciate the
incredibly unhealthy advice,

I'm almost 20.
Don't need to worry about me.

Oh, okay. I'll stop.

I mean, you're the one
getting married to royalty.

You should just be all
wedding, all the time.

All wedding, all the time--
I like it, yeah.

Don't look at me.

I would totally date a guy with no feet.

It would just be one less gross
thing for me to deal with.

Are you trying to tell me I
shouldn't wear flip-flops?

No. Oh, God, yes.

They're all big toes.

Whoo! You got dominated, buddy!

This is just our new game. You know,

if someone's not looking,
you peg 'em with this ball,

thus establishing dominance.

We call it dominance ball.

If anyone hits me with a ball,

it will end up inside of them.

Don't worry. D-ball's just for dudes.

Nothing's just for dudes anymore--

not NASCAR, not cigars, not
even peeing standing up.

How did we lose that?

Mm-mm.

Why are you guys in my house?

Sorry, Jules is out of wine.
Oh, and pickles.

Oh, and D batteries for my boom box.

Ellie... I saw Andy's feet.

I'm so sorry.

No one understands.

Oh, gosh.

They're as wide as they are long.

I know.

It's...

There's my girl. I need a kiss.

You'll live.

Love you!

You just got iced, son.

I worship Ellie even when
she is a little distant.

Besides, if I need affection,
there are places

to get my needs met outside the marriage.

Know what I mean?

Dog park, baby!

Oh, I love you! Oh, yes!

Oh, that's what I need!

Oh, that tickles!

I am married! Don't you see this ring?

You've been pretty quiet.

Mm, I'm not really ready to talk yet.

Are you ready to be dominated?

Whoo! Domination!

I do love this game.

Hey, son. How about a little D-ball?

Can't.

Whew!

Headed back to school.

Bunch of hot, crunchy chicks

are having an eco rally on campus.

Figure dog power here might help
get me into some hemp panties.

To college!

Ya!

Seems safe.

Nah, he'll be fine.
I drew up the plans myself.

Dog and a rope?

Patent pending.

You know, since it's
just you and me tonight,

I figured we could just hang
out and watch a little TV,

down here, upstairs, whatever.

You're asking for sex, aren't you?

Mm-hmm, but in a cute way.

Sorry. I gotta get this
guest list under a hundred.

All right, look, I know this sucks,

but I promise it's gonna be worth it.

Our wedding is gonna be so fun and so sexy.

We're gonna go crazy on our
wedding night, aren't we?

Oh, yeah.

Maybe. I get really tired at weddings.

Hold on.

You mock me,

yet my life is your future, my friend--

a solitary march to the grave, a man...
ignored.

She's just distracted
with wedding stuff, okay?

No woman can ignore... "the truth."

Did you just call your body "the truth"?

I did, and I did it unironically.

Well, Grayson... truth...

You can't use the wedding as an excuse.

You think you come first?

I bet you're not even top five.

The truth is top five.

Ha. Ah, well, here's her cell.

All right.

Well, let's check her speed dial, shall we?

Number one--Travis-- no surprise there.

Number two...

Hi, Ellie. It's me.
Yeah, just showing Grays--

Hello?

She hung up. Happens a lot.

Three's her dad.

Four's Wayne's wine store.

Thought that'd be higher.

Oop, there you are! Number five!

You were right, I was wrong. Ohh.

Well, you're the fifth
most important person

to your future wife. Congrats.

Oh, honey, hand me my cell.

Could be the wine shop.

Hello?

What?

Okay, I'll be right there.

Travis had an accident.
He's in the hospital.

Oh. Whoo!

Taste the dominance!

What?

Come on.

Your son took a bad fall.

He has a small skull fracture,
but he's conscious,

and there's no brain swelling,

so he should be okay.

He'll be back to his room in a few minutes,

and you can see him.

Was there an "okay" in there?

'Cause if there was, I can breathe again.

He said "okay."

Oh, good.

Hey, Jules?

Trav will still probably
need a follow-up CAT scan.

Hey, Tom, it's sweet you came,

but why don't you leave the
medical stuff to the doctors?

Uh, I am a doctor.

I'm the head neurosurgeon here.

Come on, you didn't know I was a doctor?

Please. Yeah.

'Course. Yeah.

Dr. Gazelian, to the E.R.

Oh, well, Tom, don't walk away angry.

They just paged me.

Do you people not even know my last name?

Of course we know your last name.

Then say it.

They just said it on the
intercom two seconds ago.

Who cares? Galifianakis?

Gabba gabba hey? Gazoo?

Gazoinks.

You think my name is Tom Gazoinks?

Tom, I've had a rough day.

You think I could get a pass?

Can I still be mad at them?

Go nuts.

You... you, you...

You can see your son now.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, wait.

I'm gonna get Travis through this,

but I'm really gonna need all of your help.

I mean, we all know he can
spiral pretty easily.

He dropped out of school over a girl

who I think we all can agree
was not very special.

Nope. No.

She was no you.

They never are.

Anyway, when we see him,

can we just all be super
positive, you know?

Just happy faces and happy thoughts?

Happy faces. Happy thoughts.

Okay.

I'm so glad you're okay.

I fractured my skull.

I mean, things were going great at college,

and now I am stuck in a hospital.

This totally sucks.

Yeah, it does. Hospitals are scary.

Happy thoughts.

But not this room.

There's all these buttons
and there's tubes.

I bet no one ever died in here.

Maybe only I talk.

Right now it does suck,

but I'm gonna get you through it.

I mean, plus you have an awesome story.

You have a fractured skull.

Girls are gonna think
you're a total badass.

That's true. Back in college,

I was a sucker for injuries.

If a guy had a scar or a missing finger,

we just did stuff.

I miss being a ho.

You want back in?

'Cause we'll take you back.

Yeah, I'm sure panties will
drop when girls find out

I was being pulled by
my dog on a skateboard,

saw a monarch butterfly,

and said, "Hey, you're not
native to Florida"--crash.

So change the story. Grayson has a scar.

He told me it was from
a motorcycle accident.

Why don't you tell 'em what really happened?

I don't want to.
Tell it.

I burnt it on my curling iron.

It was the '90s. Shut up.

Damn. Pretty boy had a perm.

There's my happy boy.

Oh, man. This is all my fault.

I never should have invented dog boarding.

Now his life's falling apart.

Get him out of here.

Sorry. It's just so sad.

I know what will help. Sorry.

Look, Grayson. They sense your loneliness.

Let them fix it.

Oh, hey, you're still here.

Yeah. I just wanted to watch him sleep.

I'll stay with you.

Oh. Okay.

Honey, there's a chair right back there.

What's wrong?

Well, it doesn't seem like

you've been paying a lot
of attention to me lately.

Oh, sweetie.

Let me turn down the volume
of my son's heart monitor

so I can focus on you better.

When I imagined this
conversation on the way over,

it went much better.

No, you're doing great.

Oh, great. You're awake.

What?
Sometimes, when I need to think,

I'll go blading at the
beach with my boom box.

Oy!

Dominated!

Uh-oh.

Which one you tool bags

said that girls can't
play this stupid game?

You're on her team?

We bonded over your monster
feet and justice for women.

A'ight. First of all,
girls throw like chicks.

You know, sometimes y'all ruin our games.

You know, you gals take
everything so personally

and get all emotional.

That's just a stereotype.

That's like saying all blondes are dumb.

But that--
Shh. Same team.

Fine, you're in,

but the second someone cries, game over.

Yeah! Chicks versus sticks, y'all!

Wait a minute. Where'd Andy go?

Ohh! Dominated!

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!

Oh, my God.

That was scary and humiliating
at the same time--

the two things that make me cry.

Fight it.

I'm--I'm--o--I'm okay.

Game on.

Oy!

I got your computer.

Oh, I spoke to your teachers and
I got all your assignments.

Oh, joy. Homework in the hospital.

By the way, your bio professor Mr. Dawkins?

Way into me.

I could get you an "A" just
by making out with him.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble,

but I could get that "A" myself...

also by making out with him.

Really? Him?

Well, that was a wasted lip bite.

A what?

Okay, you realize I can't
un-see that, right?

I'm sorry you're having to wait on me

hand-and-foot in the hospital.

I know it was supposed to be
all wedding, all the time.

A.W.A.T.T.

Is that "all wedding all the time"?

A-what-what-what?

A-what-what-what-what-what?

A-what-what? What-what?

A-what? Okay, we gotta stop.

I know.

How have you held it together
with this whole Travis thing?

I mean, if Stan even scrapes his knee,

I totally freak out.

Yeah, I agree, and I don't even have kids.

You probably do.

One could have dropped out while
you were skanking around town.

Teammates. Right, right. Forgot.

Look, you both could handle this.

This is what moms do in crisis--

you get your family through it,

and then when everything's
all better, you fall apart.

Oh, I can't wait to become
a crying, snotty mess.

To total meltdowns.

Oh, yeah.

It's ready.

What is?

Revenge.

Dominated..

Oh! Oh!

Hey, sweetie.

Ah, there you are.

Are you okay? You need a kiss?

Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. I don't care.

Well, here it comes.

Uncool.

You psyched to get out of here?

Oh, totally.

We cannot thank you enough... Dr. Gazelian.

You remembered.

Of course. I'll never forget.

Would you like to say it again?

I would not.

So, Travis, you get to head back to college

and jump into life like
nothing ever happened.

And here's your helmet.

My what?

It's pretty standard in injuries like this.

We don't want to risk
further trauma to the area.

It's only for a couple of months.

Look at my handsome boy.

Ohh, I look so stupid.

Not if you're going to a helmet party.

What-what? Ta-da!

Bobby, raise your visor.

I love you, son.

You guys are such dorks.

This is an exact replica of the
helmet Amelia Earhart wore

when she invented airplanes.

Mnh-mnh. When her baby got stolen.

Nope.

Plus, I look super hot in
my riding helmet. Check it.

Mnh-mnh. Mm-hmm.

Why do older women keep doing that to me?

We just want to send you back to college

with a smile, sweetheart.

Well, I was gonna wait until
your eulogy to say this,

but, ah, well, here goes.

Jules Kiki Cobb,

you were a great mom.

Rest in peace.

I'm so excited to die.

Thank you, friend. And you know what?

I want to take this time to
thank you for your patronage

and to tell you that I hope
to see you around here...

real, real soon.

Wow.

Did I just see you steal some human contact

from a total stranger?

Stop it, you big kook. Bam!

Oh, my God. What's happening to me?

Ohh. Who cares?

Oh, yeah. Work the neck.

Get off me, Andy, you weirdo.

All right.

The gals are over at J-Bird's,

but they're all wearing helmets,

so if you want to cause some damage,

you gotta hit 'em in the knockers.

I'm out. The girls are too mean.
It's scary.

What? No, it's not.

Really? Lift up your shirt.

Ow.

We're not quitting.

I'm out, too, man, and...

I really hate to disappoint you.

Come here. I'm so, so, so sorry.

Dude.

No words.

Well, it's over. He's heading back.

Way to go, super mom.

And now that it's all better,

you get to fall apart and have
your meltdown like you promised.

You could throw some dishes,
maybe shave your head.

I could never shave my head,

not with these ears. Oh.

I would look like one of those
monkeys holding the cymbals.

Oh. Mm.

You know, I don't know whether
it's Travis is getting older

or I'm getting wiser,

but I don't think I'm gonna
need to fall apart this time.

What a rip-off. I was so excited.

No. Big Carl can stay.

He's there for good times and bad.

I'm heading out.

Hey, Buster, I think the helmet
works better on your head.

Yeah, but it's college,

and it looks a little ridiculous, so...

I can't wear it all the
time, but don't worry.

I'll be careful. Peace.

Yay. Here it comes.

I don't understand you.

I hate myself. I mean, I used to be a man.

You must love seeing me like this.

I really do.

As soon as you give your heart to someone,

they just pull away.

It's like I learned nothing
from Katherine Heigl movies.

You can't go back

to being an emotionally walled-off cyborg.

That's how you messed
up your first marriage.

Stopped sharing your feelings,

spent hours fixing a bread
maker that wasn't broken

just to avoid another silent dinner.

How? I didn't even know you back then.

When I got bored,

I'd get a chair and sit
outside your window.

I really liked your hair back then.

Thanks. So did I, but
Jules likes it like this.

I'm the lamest.

Please. I roll around with strange dogs.

You know, as men, I feel like
we're not asking for that much.

I just want her to give me
attention when I want it

and to leave me alone when I don't want it.

Yeah, like a baby.

Exactly. Just treat me like a baby.

When we want affection,
they don't give it to us,

but if we don't want it, they come running.

The key is to never look desperate.

But you always look desperate.

Didn't say I was good at it.

You know, you should really let people see

those paintings you've been
working on in your room.

Stop spying on me.

Stop being so talented.

So you were worried about me.

I was freaking out.

You know, I almost died
once at an amusement park.

I got strangled by an Animatronic bear.

Turns out when you throw a
whole cup of soda on them,

those things go crazy.

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense,

but they actually had to shoot it.

Laurie's about to taste some dominance.

♪ Your best friend's house ♪

Oh.

Oh.

Ohh.

This could have split your head open.

Mom, it's just a squishy ball.

Buckle up. Here we go.

This squishy ball represents

everything bad in the world
that can happen to you.

So because of one freak accident
you're just melting down?

I'm almost 20, remember?

You can stop worrying about me.

No, I can't, you idiot!

I will never stop worrying about you.

You know, when you're 80

and I'm telling everyone that I'm 90--

and getting away with it, by the way--

I will still lay awake at
night in the nursing home...

Where we live together,

waiting for you to get home.

She's crying.
That means we win dominance ball.

True, but not the time.

Travis, now that you're older,

nothing's changed,

except I can no longer tell you what to do.

I can only ask.

So please...

Please wear that stupid
helmet, so I can sleep.

♪ If you are afraid, don't be ♪

♪ I have the whole thing planned ♪

♪ we'll start in the ocean, baby ♪

♪ when we find the land ♪

I know you guys are all parents,

but you know what scares
me most about kids?

I mean, Stan may promise
not to cross the street

and Trav may say he's
gonna wear that helmet,

but once they're out of your sight,

you never really know, do you?

♪ And you've seen ♪

♪ the way that things work ♪

♪ but you need a compass to ♪

Why isn't this working?

♪ Get around your house ♪

Hey. Whatcha up to?

Back to all wedding, all the time.

Someone added a name to the guest list.

"T. Gazelian"? Who the hell is that?

Be cool. Sit back down.

Stop spying on me.

Don't be desperate. Let her come to you.

Scoot over.