Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 2 - A Mind with a Heart of Its Own - full transcript

You know, your mom
takes bath-shower-baths.

That's a bath, then a shower
to wash off the bath,

and then a final clean bath,

'cause that's normal.
(Chuckles)

Don't make fun of me,
Mr. Pees with no hands.

Where the hell
did she come from?

Dude, if you're gonna
marry my mommy,

there's something
you should know.

(Lowered voice)
She's an eavesdropping ninja.

Check it.

Whenever you're
talking about her,



she finds a way
to get closer...

Because she wants to know
exactly what you're saying...

About her--hey, mom.

Don't talk behind my back.

Ninja.

- Boo!
- Oh!

Oh! You're getting married!

It's so romantic,

like that movie "Inception,"
when Leo loves his wife so much,

but then she gets mad
and moves to that weird city

where there's, like, no people
and earthquakes all the time.

Then he ends up on Snow Mountain
and falls in love with Juno?

Aw, Jelly Bean.

You didn't understand that movie
at all, did ya?



No, but I cried so hard
at the end.

I want to see "Inception."
Come on. No spoilers.

But you never see anything.

Well, I'm busy, dude.

Unless you know
that I've watched it,

please, don't blab on about any
good movies, TV shows, or books.

Well, you can have books.

Hello, Jules. Uh, what's
going on with your wedding?

Thanks, tom.

I told him to pop up
and say that

whenever we've gone off
wedding talk for too long.

Okay, so I've got
to pick a date.

What's good for everybody?

I've got Tuesdays off.

Mid-week wedding--
It's a little white-trashy.

I cry like a baby at weddings.

Anybody else get emotional?

I get super emotional...

In my pants.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Jules,

but we will be having sex
at your wedding.

(Gags) Prince Charles.

That's what I'm gonna say now
when I want to throw up.

Okay, so we got
a Tuesday wedding--

Wait. It has to be
in the spring.

It's when I get my ankle
monitoring bracelet off. Whabam!

Tuesday spring wedding...

And we need some kind of private
bang room for Ellie and Andy.

- Thanks.
- So sweet.

Uh, it's my wedding, too.
What about what I want?

(All laugh)

(Speaks indistinctly)

Well, that's pretty funny.

I got those guys
the best engagement gift.

It's a giant portrait of them,

but it's made entirely
of chocolate.

You know, they're way hotter
as a black couple.

Most people are.

- Truth.
- You know, I had a hard time finding gifts

because I want to let my ex-wife
and my good friend know

that I'm cool with them
getting hitched. And guess what?

Crushed it.

Let's say Jules needs to get to
Grayson's house, like, pronto.

What does she do?

She walks over.

You walk to something you like,

but when it's love,
you gotta fly.

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Too much speed! (Grunts)
Ooh.

(Chanting)
Bobby, Bobby, Bobby...

(Bobby and Laurie)
Bobby, Bobby.

Andy? You're not chanting.
Don't you get it?

It's a metaphor.
I connected their houses.

I mean, what's a better way

of telling 'em
I'm cool with everything?

How about just tell them?

Well, that's dumb.

He's right.

If you say something
doesn't bother you,

it means that it so does.

It's like the guy I hooked up
with on Friday night.

When I said,

"Ricky, I don't care that
you're way shorter than me,"

what I really meant was,
"lose my number, Frodo."

(Laughs)

Was he shorter than me?

Oh, yeah.

Gross.

(Gasps) Oh, no. I forgot
to put away the ice cream!

Can't say that I'm shocked.

(Camera shutter clicking) Andy let the
ice cream melt, so he had to die.

It's only pretend murder.

We used to fight so much
about the little things.

Now whenever I get so mad
that I want to kill him,

I just do it.

It's been a great tool
in our marriage.

And then Ansel Adams here
takes pictures of it.

You know who ansel Adams is?

No...

But I can tell by your tone,
I used her name right.

Go wash up
before Stan sees you.

That little snitch tells
his psychiatrist everything.

Okay, I'm gonna go visit grandpa
before I head back to campus.

Oh, wait.

If you go with him,

you could ask my dad
for permission to marry me.

He would love it.
Thanks, babe.

You think saying, "thanks, babe"
means the conversation's over?

Why is he still here?

I don't know. You already
"thanks, babe-d" him.

Right?

(Sighs)

Oh, no, he di-n't.

Yes, I did.

Will you just do it
for me, please?

I will now.

Mm.

(Whispers) Thanks, babe.

Ellie, I love you so much.

I want to ask you something.

Are we finally
running away together?

'Cause I keep a bag
in my truck.

Me, too.

Awesome.
(Clink)

You're my best friend...
And my future wife.

Mm-hmm.

Will you be my maid of honor?

Ohh. Come here.

(Chuckles)

Ohh, an Ellie hug--
So rare.

Okay. It's over.

No, no. I still feel it.

I am definitely not
bath-shower-bathing today.

Laurie is gonna be so crushed

when she finds out
you picked me.

May I please, please, please
be there when you tell her?

She's gonna be all...

(Imitates Laurie)
"Jules. It's not fair.

I grew up in a foster home.
I have an enlarged heart."

She's gonna be fine.
She's the only bridesmaid,

plus I'm gonna let her
hold me like a baby in the pool.

I don't get it, either,

but she asks me to do it,
like, twice a week.

Who cares
what old fat heart wants?

And this morning,
asking everybody,

"when should I have my wedding?"
You're such a people-pleaser.

It's called being nice.
Ever heard of it?

Nice.

Oh, you made that up.

(Chuckles)

It's your wedding.
You're supposed to be selfish.

If you would like me
to be your maid of honor,

you have to stop
people-pleasing. Promise.

All right,
whatever makes you happy.

- No.
- Us happy?

- No.
- Me happy?

Right.

That feels weird.

(Grayson sighs)
Your grandpa lives on a ranch?

(Travis chuckles) Yeah.
His name is Chick.

Calls people "puddin'."

Has both formal
and informal overalls.

Travis.

Why'd you bring city mouse?

Sir, you know
Jules and I are engaged,

but I forgot to ask you--
May I have your daughter's hand? (Snorts)

We'll see.

Saddle up.
(Horse whinnies)

What are we doing?

Why did I wear my skinny jeans?

Yeah, if you could scoot back,

like, even an inch,
that'd be super.

(Sighs)

Oh, no. There's Ricky.

Keep moving,
you little squirrel.

You already climbed this tree.

Anyway, I want to talk
to you about my wedding.

Yay!

Ohh. The waitress
just gave him crayons.

(Clatter)

So I've been thinking
about your bridal party--

Let me talk first.

Ellie has to be
your maid of honor.

Okay, you talk first.

You've always
been there for me.

That's why I want to hold you
in a pool like a baby--

So that for once
I can take care of you

the way that you've
always taken care of me.

That actually makes sense.

Do you think that I say things
just to say them?

No.

I know that it's a lot to ask,

but do you think that maybe you
could have two maids of honor?

(Whispers) Of course.

Oh! Yay.

Should have talked first.

No, no. No, not now.

Come on.
Just let me do this.

We're not at a pool.

Oh, shh.
Babies don't talk.

- Babies don't talk.
- Laurie, please.

That one is when he got his gross
back hair in my face soap.

That one is when
he forgot to renew satellite.

I couldn't listen to Howard.

That's actually a cow heart.

You can buy them
in Mexican grocery stores.

I remember that.

That's when he touched
your turkey neck and went...

(Imitates gobbling)

(Stops gobbling)

Sorry.

Well, since I'm on a roll,
I was thinking,

maybe I could ask Laurie
to be my co-maid of honor.

(Hisses)

Did you really just hiss?

I'm trying it out.

Look, it would
make Laurie so happy,

and it would
make you happy, too.

Being a maid of honor
is a lot of work,

and if there's one thing
I know about you,

you hate doing things
for other people.

That's true.

If Laurie was
my co-maid of honor,

she could do the invitations
and all that crappy busywork,

and you could just sit there
soaking in the glory.

You paint a pretty picture,

yet this reeks
of people-pleasing.

Did you already ask Laurie
to be your co-maid

and now you're just
covering your tracks?

No!

Wow. That was
a little big, right?

Yeah.

No. This just makes sense,

plus you will always
secretly know

that you were
the real maid of honor.

I can't wait
to rub it in her face.

See, that's not "secretly."

You want us to spot you?

Yeah, but I'm wearing a skirt
with no grundies,

so don't look up!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

(Thud) Ooh!

My glasses.

Eh, the landing's
a little rough,

but Jules is gonna love it.

Yeah, Bobby.

(Sighs) I don't know.

Yeah.

Jules is skittish
about stuff you build

ever since you tried to kill her
with those tub speakers.

Well, I said she could
take a bath or listen to music.

Yeah.

She's not gonna
like this, buddy.

I'm sorry.
I'm not trying to hurt you.

Yeah, well, it feels like
my heart got kicked in the nuts.

Bobby, come on.
Bobby, come on back.

(Sighs) The back of my neck
is sore from your chin stubble.

My entire crotch is sweaty from
your butt heat, so nobody wins.

Hey, Chick, um,
about that blessing--

Sorry you boys
had to ride double dude,

but my Annabelle here
was just too sick to join us.

How you doing, old girl?

(Sighs)

You got someplace to be?

No. Just my bar, but I'm sure
it's fine without me.

(Beeping)

(Coughs) They're gonna
turn that off.

Trying to make some curly fries.
(Clears throat)

There's Jelly Bean.

Why don't you go ask her
to be your other maid of honor

while I try to figure out
how to make a mai tai?

Great idea, 'cause, you know,
I haven't asked her yet.

She's gonna be so excited.

All right.

Here we go.

Oh! There's my bride-to-be.
Oh, honey.

You're positively glowing.

Stop. I'm just flushed
from the grease fire.

Okay.

As, um, listen--

As my co-maid of honor--

Oh, just say co-moh.

It's a new abbrieve
I came up with-- Total T-saver.

I need to tell you something.

(Indistinct conversations)

I may have to
cut off my big toe.

(Gasps)

I, um, I got
one of those pedicures

at that cheap place
that's also a deli.

Oh, Jules!

It's actually--

My toe's feeling
a little better now,

- So I'm probably just gonna keep it.
- Okay.

Yeah. I mean,
I can even jump still.

Come on. Do it with me.
It's really fun.

- Okay. Whoo!
- That is fun.

She's so happy.

What up, co-moh?

Prince Charles.

J-bird!

I got a surprise for you.

You're gonna fly like
that Iron Man in "Iron Man."

Is that a movie?

Spoiler!

Just come on up here
so I can push you off the roof.

No. Wait, that actually
is not big enough.

No!

Would you take this thing down
before someone dies?

Well, you were right. Happy?

No.

Would a super-sad 2-man
zip line make you feel better?

You know, seeing you with her

reminds me of
how much I love Jules.

So my daughter is like a horse?

- No! Unless that's a good thing?
- Can be.

Uh, well, then, yes,
Jules is like a horse.

She's not gonna be happy
when I tell her you said that.

Please don't.

(Beep) Already did.

Okay, back to that blessing.

Son, when you love somebody,

you do everything you can
to make them happy,

'cause it's not just about
you anymore. You understand?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Shoot my horse.

What?

She's hurting.

I can't do it.
I love her too much.

And Travis is just a boy.

It does make more sense
that-- that you do it.

Thanks, babe.

Aw. Grayson said
I'm like a horse.

- Aw.
- Aw!

All right.

Let's get back to dividing up
our maid of honor duties.

So who's gonna be handling
the bridal shower?

You.

Wedding day mani-pedis?

- You.
- Bachelorette party?

- You.
- Party invites?

- You.
- Party locations?

- You.
- After-party clean-up?

- You.
- Decorating the car?

- You.
- And the wedding toast?

- Ellie. Ellie's got a job!
- Oh!

Oh, good.
I hate giving toasts.

Fear of public speaking!
What-what?

Jelly, if we're gonna be
co-maids of honor,

there's no more
"what-what."

You know you love them.

Plus they totally tone
your upper arms. What-what?

(High-pitched voice)
What-what?

No, I still hate myself.

I have a present for you.

You do?

It's cute.

I'm gonna go put mine on.

Um, Jules?

It's amazing that she'd get
those T-shirts made so quickly,

seeing as you only asked her
to be your co-maid of honor

20 minutes ago.

What?

(Creaking sound)

Look at you--
My two maids of honor.

(Singsongy) Co-mohs.

No, no, honey. I've got
time for all the words.

I am so grateful
that you both love me...

Even though

sometimes I do stupid,
totally forgivable things.

Aw, let's hug it out.

Oh! Yay.

Ohh. You know, hugs...

Can fix anything. Mm.

Sometimes you just have to
squeeze a little harder.

(Whispers)
You smell like betrayal.

Okay.
Well, I am out of here.

See you guys.

(Hisses)

Look, Ellie, what do you--

(Thud)

(Bobby, singsongy) Ladder!

Mm.

You sure we have to shoot her?
I mean, maybe she'll get better.

She won't, son. She's dying.

(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

Her eyes are so human.

You know, a lot of people
think that horses have souls.

Oh, Annabelle.

Grayson, you're acting like
you've never shot a horse before.

- I haven't!
- Weird, you're a grown man.

What? No, that's not weird.
It's very-- That's-- It's normal.

Well, just draw a line between
those two big, beautiful eyes

and... (Imitates gunshot)

That's it. No.
I'm not shooting your horse.

And I don't need
your permission. Jules is 40...

42? 43?

- Not sure.
- I don't know.

Well, we should all know that.

(Both chuckle)

Worst gift ever.

I'm not smart enough
to give someone a metaphor.

If I just believed in this

the way
I usually believe in you,

Jules would have done it.

Where the hell you'd come from?

Ninja.

You change your mind?
Hop on. Let's take a zip.

Still not feeling zippy.

But you know what I would love?

For less ladders
to drop from my roof.

You know, it's bad enough

I have to share the altar
with that beady-eyed bartender,

but vanilla gorilla
gets to be there, too?

When I agreed to let her
be my co-maid of honor,

you said
you hadn't asked her yet,

you big people-pleasing liar.

I didn't ask her.

She asked me, and I agreed.
That is totally different.

Semantics.

Spoiler?

Not a movie. A word.
I warned you.

I am out as maid of honor.
No mo' co-moh.

Ellie, you're not out.
You're my best friend.

So you want to know
what you're gonna do?

You're gonna suck it up
and start working on your toast.

Thanks, babe.

Did you just "thanks, babe" me?

And I'll do it again.

Th-- th-- th-- th-- th-- th--
thanks, babe.

(Both, high-pitched voices) Ooh!

Fine.

I'm gonna tell Laurie

that you just made her co-moh
out of pity.

Jelly, dear? A word?

Ellie, no.

Hand me that handle, quick!

Oh, my God! It's happening!

Go, go, go!
(Yells)

Whoo!

Whoo!

Laurie, start the car!

When I drop
into the passenger seat, gun it!

Aah!

(Gasps) Oh!

(Andy) - Oh!
(Bobby) - Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, ohh.
Stop. Stop.

I-I can't breathe. Ow!
Oh, oh, ohh. Ohh.

You're talking?
You can breathe.

You don't know.

So why are we torturing
Grayson again?

I'm cool if there's no reason.

(Chuckles) (Horse whinnies)

You know,
Bobby Cobb is a good man.

Yeah, that's usually
what people say

right before
they start slamming him.

He's a crap husband.
He really hurt your mom.

I'm her father, it's my job
to protect her, and I blew it.

I had to make sure

that Grayson was the kind of man
that she deserves.

By seeing
if he'd shoot a horse?

I just wanted to know that
he would do anything for her.

Well, this is way,
way off the record, but, uh...

Grayson's all right.
Mom's lucky.

She is. I can see that.

Is the gun still in there?
(Horse whinnies)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Grayson!
Wait a minute!

Ohh!

- I'll get ice!
- Oh, oh, oh, ohh!

Oh.

Honey, if it makes you
feel any better,

for, like, three seconds,

you looked... so... cool.

That's great.

Be a doll and go upstairs
to my bathroom.

There's a bottle
of big, yellow pills.

Could you crush up, like,
six of 'em in a glass of wine?

I love that drink.

Hey, Jules. What's going on
with your wedding?

I'm bleeding internally.

Gotcha.

Look, I'll go
take the zip line down.

Sounds like a good plan.

(Drive-by truckers)
♪ the sunsets we can cry over ♪

Bobby?

You know, that whole thing

about you trying to
connect my house to Grayson's...

Was really sweet.

Like a...

Beautiful metaphor?

I'm glad you're okay
about us getting married.

You're the best.

Thanks, J-bird.

(Footsteps recede) ♪ everybody
needs love, love, love, love ♪

Oh, good.

♪ Everybody needs
love, love, love ♪

Still need the ice.

Ellie Torres, I am so mad at you
that my butt is even twitching.

Look.

Well, of course it stops now,
but touch it. It'll start again.

Are you seriously mad at me?

So I'm a people-pleaser.
I mean, you've got flaws, too.

Eh.

You can be mean.

Oh, yeah.

Like that time
that you made fun of me

for accidentally buying
little girls' underwear?

I mean, why do they even
make thongs for kids?

It wouldn't have been a thong
on a 6-year-old.

Mean.

Oh, I did feel it.
That is weird.

Right?

Yeah.

You said that my wedding should
be about what makes me happy.

Well, making my friends happy
is what makes me happy.

That is so sad.

You don't seem to mind it

when I get your favorite coffee
even though I hate it

or when I only buy sweaters
that you want to borrow.

I said people-pleasing
annoys me, not Ellie-pleasing.

I love that.

I'm sorry.

Magic fix-it hug?

Ohh.

Ooh. All better.

I'm still mad.

How mad?

Mad enough to kill you!

How?

Chain saw.

Where?

By a dumpster.

Oh, let's do it.

I love you.

Love you.

Smile.

(Motor revs)

Die!
(Motor whirring)

Aah!

I almost shot a horse today.

I fell from the sky.
Oh, could you pour me a glass?

Of course.

Thanks, babe.

No!

That was
a sincere "thanks, babe,"

'cause I missed you so much
today and I love you.

And now we're out of wine.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, you can have my glass,

and I'll go get us
another bottle.

That's right, buddy.
Get used to it. (Door opens and closes)