Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 14 - My Life/Your World: Part 1 - full transcript

You feel kinda sad about
selling your place, babe?

Yeah, but we're getting
married in four months.

(Sighs) We probably have
to live in the same house.

Well, I'm excited
you're excited.

Still, this place was like
my island hideaway.

With all the chaos
and the wedding stuff,

it's tough to let it go.

Speaking of wedding stuff,

I cut down our guest list
to 80 people,

- give or take 61.
- What is it with you

needing so many people around
all the time?



This last month
living with you--

Your house is never not
full of humanity.

It's not that bad.

- Hey. - Hey.
- There they are. - Hey.

In case anyone's wondering,

it's 6:30 in the morning.

Well, I'm sure they all have
good reasons for being here.

- Nope.
- Coffee.

I was trying to hide
from that one, but he found me.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you can't be mad at me
for this. (Chuckles)

Okay, he's gonna start
locking the doors,

so do we all have
those key necklaces

that I made for you?



Ohh. Great. (Chuckles) Okay.

(Lowered voice) I'll see you
every day forever!

Hey, Jules.

Uh, can I borrow your ladder?
I threw my frisbee on the roof.

Sure. Who are you playing
frisbee with?

It's just me. (Chuckles)

That's the saddest thing
ever said.

As your co-maid of honor,

I have been obsessing about
your bachelorette party.

There is
this quaint little strip club

in Tampa called the Stud Farm.

It looks like a stable.

All the snacks come
in these little feed bags...

(Mouths words)
And for a couple extra bucks,

you can ride the guys around
like horses,

and they will nibble sugar cubes
off of your bouncies.

(Mouths word) Oh.

I know that place.

- You do?
- No, 'cause I wasn't abused as a child.

- Wh--
- You guys are here again...

(Chuckles)
In our kitchen, in those seats?

That's... (Laughs)

My life is Groundhog Day.

I know it is
your favorite movie,

but I haven't seen it,
so no spoilers.

(Lowered voice)
I have seen it six times,

and I still don't know
what I saw.

- No?
- Oh, that's what I want to do

for my bachelorette party--

A tiara, and we watch
Groundhog Day,

and you guys can explain it
to me.

Oh, my God. It's gonna be
the longest party in the world.

(Clanks)
(Bobby, high-pitched voice) Oh!

(All, singsongy) Penny can!

(Normal voice) Can you think
of anything better to do

than an all-day round
of penny can?

Not enough time in my life
to answer that.

- Uh...
(High-pitched voice) - Ah!

(Clatters) Ooh!

That went right
into that sewer grate.

I think there's a new rule
for that. Andy, get the book.

(Andy and Bobby laugh)

You made a book?

It's more like a Bible, son.

All right.
"Sewer... sewer rats...

Sewer people..."
Here it is.

Oh! He's gotta eat something
from the mystery bucket.

Ooh! (Laughs)
Mystery bucket.

Whoo-hoo! All right.
Close your eyes and pray.

Daddy, can I throw a penny?

Sorry, Stan.
This game's for grown-ups.

(Pennies clank)

- Ooh, he got the snail!
(High-pitched voice) - Ooh!

He got the snail! (Laughs, high-pitched
voice) He's got the snail!

He got the snail!
Got the snail!

Penny can.

Well, can you believe

Jelly Bean's stupid
strip club idea?

I so want to tell her
that I am the real maid of honor

and you only made her one
out of pity.

I've had that grenade
in my belt for months.

(Imitates click)

Sometimes at night,
it whispers to me. (Gasps)

(Whispers) "Pull the pin.
Kill them all."

Just ignore the voices
and lotion up.

(Chuckles) What are you doing
up here reading a book?

Reading a book.

Nerd alert. (Chuckles)
Scootch. (Whispers) Come on.

Double scootch.

Oh, my goodness.
Look at these elbows. (Grunts)

(Chuckles) Looks like
someone else could use some.

There you guys are!

Lotion party.

Sweet! Squirt me in.

Please-- Please stop.
I don't want this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why are you all touching
my stuff? (Chuckles)

Penny can, brother.
Andy got a double-bouncer.

That means
he's gotta dress like you.

(Chuckles) Trav, you okay?

(Strained voice) I ate a snail.

Looks like v-necks are
all the rage in douche-berg.

(All laugh)

(Imitates dance beat)
Stop. Stop. Stop.

Everybody stop talking!

Okay, this is my room.
This is my bed.

I'm reading a book...
(Chuckles)

Because I like reading!

But, see, I can't read
because you're always here!

(Gasps)
What is that around your neck?

What's this key open?

Um, a lock.

Does it open this house?

Um...

They have one, too!

You fool!

What? Are you kidding me?!

This is not okay!

This is... not... okay!

(High-pitched voice) Aah.

So do you know why you're here?

I think so.

Show her
your trophies, sweetie.

(Jangle)

You had a little break.

Look, well, it's no biggie.
I mean, stress can cause that.

All of a sudden it feels like
everything is-- is too much,

you know, and-- and you're
falling, right?

(Strained voice)
And you're falling.

(Sighs)
You're falling and falling.

Lynn.

So, Grayson,
you need to remember

that when you marry Jules,

you're marrying everyone
in her life,

and, Jules, do you know
what you need to work on?

Not being so turned-on
when he gets violent.

I understand why women stay
with murderers now,

because... I would.

Wow. Okay, we're gonna have
to circle back to that,

but you need to understand
that Grayson is not you.

He needs privacy in his home.

(Intercom buzzes)

Oh. One second.

I wish I had ripped Andy's ear off.
(Door opens)

Ohh.

(Keys jangle)
J-Jules, is...

Your shirt off?

Oh. (Chuckles)

Not anymore. (Chuckles)

What's the matter with me?
(Sighs)

I've been thinking
about what Lynn said.

You mean when she yelled at us

for having sex in her bathroom?

(Sighs) About you needing
some privacy, you know?

From now on,
I want you to think

of this bedroom
as your new island hideaway.

No one is allowed in here
without your permission.

You're awesome.

You're invited
onto my island right now.

This soon
after Lynn's bathroom?

Come on, girl. I'm only 41.
I'm always ready.

- Are you serious?
- No.

- Oh. - But I was hoping
you would turn me down,

so I didn't have to admit it.

Gotcha. (Chuckles)

Yeah, that's right.
You better run.

Pause.

Okay, Bill Murray is
a mean weatherman.

He wakes up.
It's the same day.

I get it, but how come
the other people don't realize

they're trapped
in the same day, too?

Because they're not trapped.
They're just there.

When the same thing keeps
happening over and over again...

(Chuckles) What do they think?

No, they don't think.

So they're, like, robots?

I mean, I know
they're not robots.

I'm not that dumb, but...

Are they robots?

Already praying for death.
(Sighs)

Fine. Play.

Okay. Pause.

(Chuckles) That is such
a crappy hotel.

Why doesn't he just check
into a new place?

Because he can't change
the day before it starts.

He can only change it
after it starts.

(Laughing)
Do you hear yourself?

Please. Play.

Are you gonna say "play"
and "pause" every time?

Pause. Yes.

Play.
(Chuckles)

Oh, wait. Pause.
Big Lou needs a refill.

Okay. Got it. (Grunts)

Dear God,
your dress is so short,

I can see your IUD.

It's still
a bachelorette party,

even though
it's a total snooze-fest.

Oh, come on.
Laurie, I'm 43.

I had my wild bachelorette party
at my first wedding.

Man, I got so drunk,

I woke up in the ocean.
(Chuckles)

Exactly, which is why I predict

that by the end of this night,

we are gonna be crazy drunk
in some club,

and that dowdy old cardigan
Ellie's wearing

is gonna be flossin'
some hard body's junk.

You have perfectly predicted
the future.

You're Ho-stradamus.

I am. Ho-stradamus.

That's right.
I love the new nickname.

♪ Ho-stradamus ♪

♪ Ho-stradamus ♪

(Clenched teeth)
Put the pin back in.

Why is nobody shooting?

I can't technically go again
until I write down

a dozen Van Halen songs,
and Andy got a double-rimmer,

so he's got ten more skip laps.

Nine more!

There's too many stupid rules.

The 'stache attacks
and the ear flicks were fine,

but now you've got
to snort salsa,

brush dog Travis' teeth.

(Grunts)

All the rules make it better.
My calves are on fire!

You're just trying
to cover up the fact

that penny can isn't fun
anymore.

(Panting)

If you speak ill
of the can again,

you will find yourself
in a Cobb headlock,

and FYI,
my deodorant this morning

was down to the plastic.

You think I'm wrong?
One game--

Good, old-fashioned,
no-frills penny can.

Show me it's still fun.

Game on.

(Pennies clatter)

(Clanks)

(All, monotone voices)
Penny can.

What have you done?

Pause.

So if Bill Murray
can do anything,

how come he can't save

the old homeless guy
from dying?

Because some things
you can't change.

Well, he saved
the little kid in the tree.

Because some things
you can change.

You can save children,
but you can't save

old homeless people?
(Sighs)

Who has a cigarette?
I haven't smoked in 20 years.

I need a smoke.

Okay, this is my final
Groundhog Day question.

Forget that he can learn
to play the piano

but he can't remember where
the puddle is.

Let's even forget that
it's clearly the same groundhog

that Bill Murray used
in Caddyshack.

- Oh, my God.
- Don't.

Why does the day finally end?
(Door opens and closes)

Everyone, sit down.

What?
Hello?

Penny can is dead.

Man, why couldn't it have been
something no one cares about,

like hockey
or the golden globes?

All right, I'm wearing a tiara,

so why don't you guys go
bother someone else?

Smokes?
You guys got any smokes?

Uh-oh.

My nanny has some nicotine gum
in her drawer.

I'll be back.

Oh, boy.

Penny can is dead.

I'll live.
Go be sad on your boat.

Jules told us to come up
here and bug you.

Jules Kiki Cobb, get up here!

Uh-oh. (Singsongy)
Someone's in trouble.

What? We're on the second floor.
How are you even here?

Oh, I'm, uh, returning
Jules' ladder.

You sound mad.

You wanna punch
another wall, baby?

Do not find this attractive!

I got a problem.

Did you ask Andy and Bobby
to come up here and bug me?

No. I told them to come bug
someone else.

I-I didn't know
who that would be.

What's going on?

Hey. Whatcha doin'?

Oh... my... God!

This is the same issue
over and over! (Chuckles)

It's Groundhog Day.

Oh. (Chuckles)
You gave me an island,

but you didn't mean it!

No, that is not what happened.

(Ladder clatters) Aah!

(Strained voice)
Guys. Ladder fell.

You forced me to do this.

(Ellie and Jules gasp)

What are you doing with that?

(Gasps) Pause.

(Spits) Can't pause people.

Aah!

(Crash)

It's okay! I'm not hurt...
Maybe!

Eh.

Hey, Laurie.

(High-pitched voice) Whoa!
(Normal voice) Huh? What?

Jules only wanted Ellie
to be her maid of honor.

She just asked you out of pity.

(Sighs)

Is that true?

(Imitates explosion)

Fine. Maybe I shouldn't have
thrown the grenade,

but you have
some responsibility in this.

True.

It's my fault for trusting you
not to hurt me on purpose.

Look, Tintin, I can't have
Andy moping around... (Sighs)

Because you killed penny can.

Mopey leads right to gropey.

- Fix it or bleed.
- Fine.

(Door opens) Laurie, I'm
so glad you're here.

(Door closes) I'm texting
my army boyfriend Wade

a picture, so he can see what
a total jerk looks like.

(Camera shutter clicks, beep)
Oh, gah.

You know, Jules,
you really hurt me.

I was so proud when you made me
your co-maid of honor,

but you didn't do it
out of love.

You just did it to shut me up.

What happened? Did she storm out?
(Door opens)

Why are you so low, Tom?
(Door closes)

Uh, I'm in a wheelchair.

26 pins in my leg--
New Florida record.

Don't you dare give me

that bitch grin you get
when Laurie's upset.

What? Dogs bark. Fish swim.
I bitch grin.

How are you mad at me?

Did she storm out?

I'm not doing
play-by-play, Tom.

Oh, no problem.

(Grunts) Ball.

Ball's up.

Hey, guys.

Are you here to kill
something else I love?

If you say anything bad

about leather sandals,
I swear to God--

They are ridiculous, but, no,
that's not why I'm here.

I have a great idea
on how to reboot penny can!

Nickel can. The stakes have
never been higher.

Thanks for trying,
but it's over, son. Ohh.

(Whack) Let's face it.

Penny can was just
a boring game

about getting a tiny round thing
into a hole...

(Whack)

Over and over and over.

(Whack) That's just not
something a man can do

every weekend
for the rest of his life.

(Sighs)
Oh. Darn it. I'm out.

At least let me buy you
another bucket.

No, don't need to.
(Whistles) Come here, boy!

Dog Travis collects 'em
as I go.

How many can he hold
in his mouth?

(Balls clattering)

Enough.

(Ball clatters)

Hey, Jelly Bean.

I know you probably want to rub

the whole maid of honor thing
in my face,

but can you just...

Please just be mean
to me later?

No problem.
I was gonna do that anyway.

You had no right to use
my grenade.

Now Jules is super pissed at me,

and I'm addicted
to nicotine gum!

Look, Laurie,
I am sorry I said it.

Why didn't she just tell me?
I can handle disappointment.

When you're 8
and your mom pretends

that you've been kidnapped
so that she can meet

the local news anchor,

you know,
you learn to be resilient.

I will tell you something.

There are some bad things
about this gum.

I didn't sleep at all
last night.

Plus my teeth are bleeding
a little,

but it makes you see things
super clearly.

It's like epiphany gum.

- Huh?
- Realization gum.

Got it.

This is all Jules' fault.

Plus I think if I'm not back
to work before I'm 50,

I'm gonna leave Andy.

I wish there was a way
we could get Jules

to own up to her part
in all this.

Well, does anyone have
any ideas?

Hold on.

(Crunches)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Got it.

(Sonny & Cher on radio)
♪ I got you babe ♪

♪ I got you babe ♪

Fine. Maybe I shouldn't have
thrown the grenade,

but you have
some responsibility in all this.

What are you doing?

Look, Tintin,

I can't have Andy moping around
because you killed penny can. (Sighs)

Mopey leads right to gropey.
Fix it or bleed.

Fine.

Wait. Are we playing
Groundhog Day?

(Door opens)
I hate confusing games.

(Door closes) Remember that corn
maze I got stuck in last Halloween?

I cried all night
until those dogs found me.

I'm texting
my army boyfriend Wade

a picture, so he can see what
a total jerk looks like.

(Camera shutter clicks, beep)
Ohh! Stupid flash!

You know, Jules,
you really hurt me.

I was so proud when you made me
your co-maid of honor, but--

You asked me, remember?
You put me on the spot.

What was I supposed to do,
just crush you?

(Scoffs)

What happened?
I'm in a wheelchair.

(Tom and Jules) 26 pins-- New Florida record.
(Door opens and closes)

We all know, Tom!
I hate this.

What? Dogs bark. Fish swim.
I bitch grin.

How could you be mad at me?

Stop saying the same things!

2%?

Skim.

You wanna play again?

I don't really love
milky guessy.

Oh, me neither.
It's boring.

Plus dairy products give me
the splats.

(Pennies clank)

Well, then why not play
a little penny can?

- No, thanks.
- You were right, Trav.

Penny can's a stupid game.
(Sighs)

It's not about the game.

Penny can isn't just throwing
a penny...

(Clanks)

Into a can.

It's about family.

It might even be about America.

- Yeah, I don't think so.
- Nice try.

(Sighs) Okay, well,
you know, for me,

it's always been, like,
a father-son thing,

and I'm gonna be 21
in a few days,

and I know
I'll always be grateful

for the time
we spent tossin' copper.

Stan?

Daddy, will you throw
pennies with me?

(Chuckles)

Oh, my God.
It's like "field of dreams."

(Clanks)

Ooh. (Singsongy) Penny can!

(Travis, Andy, and Bobby) Yeah!

(All, singsongy) Penny can!

- Yeah!
- All right. You gonna play, son?

Nah, I got things to do.

I don't understand why
I have to be in bed again.

(Ellie) Because that's
how it works!

(Sonny & Cher)
♪ I got you babe ♪

How did you rig the clock
to do that?

Yeah, yeah. Grenade.
Keep it movin'. We're done.

Look, Tintin, I can't have Andy
mopin' around, because--

Yep, yep, yep.
Mopey, gropey. Got it.

Come on. Let's go.
Bye, Trav.

- I'm texting my army boyfriend Wade--
- Just take the picture.

(Camera shutter clicks, beep) Oh, God!
It gets me every time.

(Door opens and closes) You know,
Jules, you really hurt me.

I was so proud when you--

Laurie, stop. This is hell.

I-I cannot hear again
how much I hurt you.

I'm so sorry I did that.
I hate disappointing people.

(Tom)
What's going on? I can't see.

26 pins-- New record.

Bring it home, Jules.

I should have trusted that
our friendship was strong enough

to be up-front
with each other.

I love you.

And I'm so happy that
you're in my wedding...

(Whispers)
And I'm so, so sorry.

(Voice breaks) Okay.

Oh, yeah. Nice.
("I got you Babe" playing)

(Knock on door)

Permission to enter?

Permission granted.

So I finally figured out
Groundhog Day.

(Chuckles) Man, that movie
really opened my eyes.

Bill Murray comedies
will do that.

Look, I know
this is really hard,

living in a house full
of people...

(Sighs) Heading towards
a big wedding.

You know, sometimes I want
our relationship

to be just ours, you know?

Grayson, all I want to do
is make you happy.

I mean, every now and then,
I may need you

to get prison-yard angry...
(Chuckles)

♪

Maybe wear a do-rag.

Done.

I'll do anything for you.

♪ I got you ♪

Then let's elope.

Seriously?

You wanted to go to Napa
for our honeymoon.

Let's go there now
and get married.

No huge wedding.

Just us.

♪ And if I get scared ♪

Let's do it.

(Chuckles)

♪ You're always around ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ to hold my hand ♪

♪ I got you to understand ♪

Ohh. I can't believe
we're here. Just us.

(Horn honks)

(Cheering)

We brought our own wineglasses!

- Let's pound some grape!
(Chuckles) - Yeah!

Not what I meant by "just us."

(Chuckles)
I can't believe we're in Napa.

(Voice breaks) I'm sorry.
(Chuckles)

It's just...

Well, I feel like
I'm meeting God. (Sighs)

Okay, guys. We've got one day
to plan this wedding.

Can you whip up a cake?

On it.

I want to make
an exact cake replica

of the cul-de-sac,

because that's
where your romance started,

so I want
to make little cake houses

and cotton candy bushes,

but there is one thing
that I will not bend on.

The asphalt is actually going
to have to be asphalt.

There are some things
that you can't fake

in the cake world.

True.

Now do you think, for one day,

you could actually stay out
of trouble?

Oh, come on, J-Bird.
We're not raccoons.

Then why are you
in that wine barrel?

I'm gonna roll him down
the hill.

Hey, dime eyes. Thank you
for letting us elope with you.

Well, that's how I like
to do my elopements--

Seven people deep.

- Eight.
- What?

Hey, June Bug.

Dad!

- Dad.
- Sweetie.

(Andy) Hey, hey.

Whoa!
(Thuds)

This... isn't... as...
Fun... as... I... thought!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
(Inhales sharply)

My socks suck as pot holders.

Still, it's nice of the hotel
to let you use their kitchen

to bake the wedding cake.

(Lowered voice) I may
or may not have told them

that I'm the new pastry chef.

Just be cool.

(Normal voice)
By the Wayans Brothers,

I cannot believe that tomorrow
is your 21st birthday.

Well, so far, every one
of my big birthdays has sucked.

16-- I had the chicken pox.

18-- My mom took me

to see Harry Potter
And The Half-Blood Prince.

Oh, Travis. That's so sad.
(Chuckles)

No, that part was awesome,

but on the way out
of the theater,

some 10-year-old poked me
in the eye with his wand.

I mean, why do they give
those things out?

It's so dangerous.

You know,
Wade was supposed to be

my date to your mom's wedding

when it was gonna be
in four months,

but now I'm solo.

What do you say we have,
like, a Trav-Laurie

wedding date/21st birthday
blowout?

Deal.

Hey, Magnum.

You want to come over here
and let me stomp on your grapes?

You want to stomp on my boys?

(Chuckles) It's just really hard
to think of sexy wine talk.

Yeah, well, then why even try?

Why are you so mopey?

When I said I wanted
to elope, just us,

I meant just us.

I know. We did it, baby!

Okay, I meant just us two.

One, two.

Honey, I thought you meant

you just didn't want
a big wedding,

not that you didn't want
the gang here.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Hey, what if we all stay here
for a few days

and have fun,
but then they all fly home

and we stay and get married
by ourselves?

You know how I don't like
to toot my own horn?

No.

They'd never agree to leave.

(Chuckles)
They love me too much.

(Imitates horn honk)

I guess I just need to know
that you'd at least ask them,

you know, for me.

So if I make the empty gesture
of asking them to go,

when they say no,
you'll still be happy?

Yeah.

(Chuckles)
This is the best fight ever.

(Both chuckle)

(Singsongy) Ding-dong!
(Normal voice) It's midnight!

Let's go.

(Whispers) Okay.

What's going on?

You four, grab him.

What's happening?
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

What-- What's going on?
I don't like this.

Why is nobody saying anything?

Somebody tell me
what's happening!

(All) ♪ happy birthday to you ♪

(Inhales deeply)

(Blows air)

(Cheering)

You know, I gotta say,
I've, uh, tried wine before,

and... not a big fan.

(Glass shatters)

Maybe I can learn to like it.

(Cheering)

That was close. (Chuckles)

Watch your feet.

Of course
I can get a little room

for your friend's reception.

(Chuckles) Ohh.

Look, Ellie...

Can I call you "Ellie"?

"Ellie" is good.

(Chuckles) Ellie...

(Chuckles) I can get you
anything you want...

So if you want a group

of shaved Brazilian gigolos
up in your room...

(Inhales deeply and sighs)
I will pick them up myself.

I'll bring my razor.
I'll shave 'em down.

(Sighs)

Why would
I think you'd want that?

'Cause you read people well.

I'm sorry,
but I'm just so scattered.

It's been a rough year...

For the hospitality industry.

Oh.

Wow. You have
the most amazing eyes.

Thanks. (Chuckles)
(Chuckles)

- That was inappropriate. I'm sorry.
- No.

(Chuckles)

(Exhales deeply)

Hey.
Why are you all flushed?

Don't block my view.

(Chuckles)

Hi.

Oh, yeah.
That guy wants you.

I hope so.

Wait. What's happening?

Hey, dad.

I need to ask you something.

Sure, June Bug.

Wasn't that glass just empty?

When I got here,
I gave the bellhop $20

to fill it up
whenever it was empty.

Watch.
(Wine splatters)

(Chuckles)

Like father, like daughter.

(Clatters)

(Laughs)

I want to show you how to do
something online.

No computers. I don't trust
anything without a soul.

That's why I don't do
business with German people.

I want you to go online and get
ordained as a minister.

Dad, I want you to marry us.

(Chuckles) Oh. I just love you so much...
(Chuckles) Ohh.

And-- and I'm so honored
that you want me to b-be--

Oh, no, no. No crying.
(Chuckles)

See, this is gonna be hard
for you,

but you can't cry
when you marry us,

because if you cry,
then I'm gonna start crying,

and I'll be wearing eye makeup,

and I can't get married
looking like Alice Cooper.

(Voice breaks) And I'm gonna be
marrying off my baby. (Sobs)

(Crying) I know.
See? Now I'm coopering.

Is this what you want?

No.

Arturo, go grab me some vanilla.

Damn, girl. You got
these people in check.

Arturo and I bonded
because we're both really pissed

that management won't let us
wear flip-flops in the kitchen.

(Chuckles) This is awesome,

and the, uh, the cake is
gonna look great.

You think?

'Cause I'm not great
at wedding cakes.

Don't be modest, Laurie.

You're the best fake pastry chef
this hotel's ever had.

(Chuckles) Aw. Thank you.
Here. Try this.

(Gasps)
Oh, no. What am I doing?

- Mnh-Mnh.
(Chuckles) - What?

How do we always end up
flirting with each other?

We're not flirting.
This is not how I flirt.

I'm much more...

- Subtle when I flirt.
- Oh, really?

Yeah, I follow girls to classes,
memorize their schedules

so I can show up
right when they get there.

(Chuckles)

Good God. I'm a stalker.

(Chuckles) I'm not...
Trying to flirt with you.

It just...

(Whispers) I don't know.
It could happen.

Well, maybe it's fate.

I mean, we're here...

At a wedding...

On my 21st birthday,
just you and me...

And Arturo.

(Laughs)

Your boyfriend couldn't
make it.

My girlfriend, uh,
doesn't exist.

(Laughs)

What if this is exactly how
it's supposed to happen?

Laurie.

Wade.

(Laughs)

(Chuckles) Ohh.

You guys ready
for another four bottles?

Fat chance. (Chuckles)

Whoa. Wait. We're finished?

No, I want more. That's why
I said, "fat chance." (Chuckles)

If I didn't want more wine,
I would have said,

"slim chance."
(Chuckles) Okay.

But, uh, "fat chance"
and "slim chance"

mean the same thing.

That's ridiculous.
(Chuckles)

"Fat" and "slim" are opposite.

Okay, can we all agree
that from now on,

"fat chance" means definitely?

Change approved.

You can't just change
the meaning of phrases.

I just did. Okay, I know
what's gonna cheer you up.

Grayson thought
that it was just gonna be

the two of us eloping.

(Chuckles) Even though

I know your answer...

How would you feel
if we all hung out

for a few days,
and then you guys left

and Grayson and I could get
married alone? (Chuckles)

- Love it.
- Yeah.

That's fantastic.

Oh, good.

That's just
what Grayson wanted...

Even though our pictures
will have no one in them,

and, uh, my memories will
feel empty.

Jules, we're just messin'
with ya.

- Why?
- Look, I know marrying you

means marrying everyone,

so...

Will you marry me?

Before anyone answers...

Council.

(Clears throat)

(Jules, Andy, Ellie, and Bobby
whisper indistinctly)

Oh, okay.

(Chuckles) All righty.

(Chuckles)
Just a couple of conditions.

Andy and Bobby want you
to finance their short film.

It's called
"bro-mancing the stone."

Also, in Jules' kitchen,
you are never allowed

to sit in my chair,
even if I'm not there.

Yes...
To everyone but Ellie.

Where are we all going on our honeymoon?
(Chuckles)

- Yeah!
(Laughing) - No. That's not--

(Chuckles) - I love you. Just kidding.
- Not-- Not funny.

Oh, I never thought
I'd get my dream wedding.

Yeah,
all because our stupid town

won't let you get married
on the beach.

But now that I'm here

and I'm surrounded
by all the people I love,

this is my dream wedding.

Honey, you've been
so great to me.

I wish
there was something special

I could do for you.

Maybe on our wedding night,
we can finally have robe sex.

Why does that turn you on
so much?

Because it's like we're monks
doing something forbidden.

(Monotone voice, chants)
I will sex...

(Deep voice) You.

There's gotta be something I can
do to make it more special.

I wish my daughter could be
here to see us get married.

That's it?

Fly a kid cross-country
in 12 hours? Hmm.

I can make that happen.

Sure, Jules. Yeah.

It's totally fine with me
for Tampa Jill to fly to Napa,

but, uh, thanks
to a super soaker...

(Chuckles) Full of margaritas

and an air marshal with,
like, zero sense of humor,

I am currently
on the no-fly list.

All right. Minor skank setback.
(Cell phone beeps)

But I'll still make
this happen.

(Chuckles) I can't believe that

we're finally together
face-to-face.

You know why
you're so amazeballs?

Why?

You're so... naked,

and I don't mean, like,
naked naked.

You're just
so emotionally honest.

I mean, but don't get me wrong.

The naked naked stuff was
real good, too.

(Laughs)

It was like you hadn't had
sex in ten years,

and, you know, I've been
with some ex-cons...

(Chuckles) So I know.

Yeah. We were actually
pretty loud last night.

I mean, I feel really bad
for whoever was

in the room next to us.

Oh, my God. (Laughs)
I don't know.

(Sighs) That would be me.

Good old room 207.

I'm sorry.
I know what it's like

to be sure someone's meant
for you,

and yet you can't be with them.

Hi. (Chuckles)

How does
that wedding ring feel?

Like handcuffs.

(Dishes clink)

Thank you.

Oh. Sorry. (Grunts)

What's wrong, Chick?

I keep practicing
for June Bug's ceremony,

and I can't get
two sentences deep

without squirting out tears.

Can you fellas help?

Fat chance.

Thank you, son.

(Sighs)

What just happened?

Ah. We all got beer guys.

Get in the game, man.
Okay, Chick.

We just need to figure out
what'll keep you from crying.

Well, I'd never cry
in front of my horse.

Once you do that, they own you.

What if you trick your brain

by doing the ceremony
a little angry?

That's worth a shot.

Love is the most powerful thing
in the universe!

Love is what brings
two people together!

Well, that's much worse.

You know how I keep
from crying?

I have two little secrets--
My nuts.

Peace out, sir.

Look, if you lock
on another man's eyes,

there's no way
you're gonna cry.

Watch.

Love is the most powerful thing
in the universe.

(Voice breaking) Love is what
brings two people together.

Andy, you try.

(Voice breaks)
I know I can't do it.

(Inhales deeply and sighs)

Tom, please say
you're on the plane.

Sorry, Jules.

They won't let me fly
with a baby that's not mine.

Let's see. Bend over.

Oh. All right.
All right. There.

There you go. Hold on.

Stand up. Stand up.
All right.

(Imitates siren whoops)

Cleavage alert! (Laughs)

Stop staring.
These aren't for you.

I need the concierge
to break some laws

to get Grayson's kid here,

and since he's obviously got
a thing for your wife...

(Chuckles) I'm gonna use Ellie
to close the deal.

I like this lipstick color,
but... (Sighs)

Do you think
it's wet enough for him?

- Mm. Lick your lips.
- Huh? Huh?

Uh-huh.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Do you think I want
to go do this with Daniel?

His name is Daniel.
(Gasps)

(Whispers) I love that name.

(Chuckles)
Oh. "Daniel." Really?

Damn it, Andy, I need this,
so if Ellie has to get dolled up

or flirt or make out a little,
what's the big deal?

Make out?
We don't make out!

Feels like you don't want
Jules to be happy.

That's not cool, man.

(Whispers) Not cool.

You're not wearing underwear!
Come on! (Door opens and closes)

So you want me
to kidnap a baby?

- Yes.
- No.

No.

What we want you to do is
to sneak a baby...

(Lowered voice)
That isn't mine...

(Chuckles, normal voice)
Onto a plane.

It's-- it's more like
kid borrowing. (Chuckles)

Well, I could get my hands
on a really great local baby.

(Whispers) Oh.
No.

Imported baby it is.
I'm on it.

Listen, Daniel,
you get us what we need,

and we will get you
exactly what you need.

Okay. (Sighs)

(Whispers) Stop it.

(Lowered voice)
I don't want to stop it.

Tommy... (Lowered voice)
I need another one.

I'm sorry, ladies.
I tried.

Write to me.

Uh, Grayson, I'm so sorry.

I-I can't get Tampa Jill
here for the wedding.

Thanks for trying. (Sighs)

Oh. Wow. Wade's here.
(Gasps) Is the war over?

No, sweetie.

No, I pulled some strings.

I, uh, knew your wedding
wouldn't be as special

for Laurie unless I was here
to share it with her.

That is so sweet.

(Mouths word)

(Sighs) I can't do this.

- What?
- We have a wedding planned

in a few months.

Your daughter could be there.

Guys.

Yeah.

The wedding's off.

(Laurie and Andy) What?

Good. I never liked him.

Still marrying him, dad.
Just a little bit later.

Love him like my own son.

- Laurie!
- Oh!

(Slurred voice)
You said you wanted naked!

(Bobby, Wade, Andy
and Chick laugh)

(Ellie) Hey. Hey, hey!

Harvey Keitel. Over here.
That's right.

Laurie... (Sighs)
I'm so... crazy about you,

but you just keep ignoring it
like it's not real.

Mom, guess what?

(Lowered voice) I like wine now.
(High-pitched voice) Happy?

Mixed feelings.

(Strained voice) Ohh.

This thing is loaded
with wine. Ohh.

(Bottles clank)
(Normal voice) Oh.

I know postponing the wedding
has been tough on you,

but thanks for
looking out for me.

Always.

Mwah.

Man, I wish I had a fiancée.
(Grunts)

See you, cheese pot.

So, J-Bird,
how are you holding up

with last night's
non-nuptials?

I guess
I am a little disappointed

because last night was
supposed to be my honeymoon,

but instead we spent the night
taking care of this dummy.

Oh, I can't believe our boy is 21.
(Sighs)

(Whispers) I know.

(Normal voice)
He does look so old now,

but it might just be
that mustache I drew on him.

(Laughs) That is classic.
We gotta get to the airport.

(Grunts)

(Sniffles)

(Groggy voice)
How did I get here?

Mostly luggage carts.

(Chuckles)
This is the best part.

This is when he remembers
what he did.

Ohh! No.

Yay!

This is so embarrassing.

I'm gonna have to hide
from Laurie forever.

(Bobby) No, it's okay, t-man.
(Sighs)

Every great love story
starts out

with a man embarrassing the crap
out of himself.

Your father's correct.
When I picked up Ellie

for our first date,
I leaned on the mantel,

because, you know, I look
cool leaning on stuff.

Latino James Dean, baby.

Boom! Mantel collapses.

Fireplace poker goes
through my lip... (Grunts)

But still, 20 years later,
here we are.

Right, babe?

Sorry.
I was texting Daniel.

Jules, honestly,
is this cheating?

(Whispers) Let me see.
(Laughs) (Laughs)

(Normal voice) Wow. Yes.

(Laughs)

This is not okay.

Trav, these big, mortifying moments...
(Mouths words)

They make an impression.
Trust me, okay?

You're gonna find
yourself someplace,

and she won't be able
to stop looking at you.

Jules did it to me.
Remember when, um, we first met

and you flashed that paperboy

and then he crashed his bike
into this car? (Chuckles)

After that, I could not stop
thinking about her.

(Crying)

No. You're coopering.
Why is she coopering?

(Voice breaking)
Why does talking about us

falling in love make me so sad?

(Clicks tongue) Aw.
Come here.

(Sniffles)

Well, before Napa,

I was really excited
about our big wedding.

I had invited everyone I know,
even my pool guy...

- Ernie?
- I have no idea.

But then we decided to elope,

and I-I felt like
I was having a stroke,

you know,
one of those happy strokes.

There are no such thing
as happy strokes.

Well, then what did
kirk Douglas have?

A stroke.

Anyway, I'm not even
looking forward

to the big wedding anymore.
(Sighs)

I'm just-- I'm sad.

Okay, this big wedding,

the-- the one that
the pool guy is going to--

Am I invited?

- That's awkward. (Chuckles)
- Very, very awkward.

I'm sorry. I'm--
I'm just a little edgy.

I was up all night...
(Sighs) Watching videos

that my dead husband made
of his former lovers.

Here's something fun.

There were a few dudes
in there. (Chuckles)

- That's a tough one. Yeah.
- That's rough.

(Chuckles) - Wow.
- Whew. (Chuckles)

Look, I think the reason why
you guys were so excited

about eloping is that
both of you have a tendency

to sort of be set in your ways.

I think that's why
it's important

that you guys are
spontaneous, you know?

That'll add excitement
to your life.

If you do that, I promise,
this marriage can work.

Jules, are--
Are you taking notes?

Not exactly.

(Paper rips)

A handwritten
wedding invitation?

(Gasps) I would love to.
(Chuckles)

(Whispers) What will I wear?

(Katie Herzig's "Lost And Found" playing)

Do you promise to do
what Lynn said--

To always be spontaneous?

Of course.

Wow. It is so pretty here.

It sucks that this stupid town
won't allow beach weddings.

You sure you still want
to do this?

Hell, yeah.

All clear.

(Lowered voice)
Go, go, go, go, go!

♪ But I can't find the words
I want ♪

♪ oh, I can't ♪

Dad, it's time!

♪ I want ♪

Okay. Oh.

(Blusters)

(Chuckles)

♪ If you are gone
in another life ♪

That's it, baby.
You wait right there.

Hit it, dad.

To me, love is
the most powerful thing

in the universe.

Love is what brings
two people together.

♪ Oh, I'm afraid ♪

(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ somebody found me here ♪

♪ ah, ah, ah ♪

Life is not worth living

unless you find someone
to share it with.

Cops! About 100 yards back.

Okay. You all know the drill.

Let's take this on the move.

♪ If you're gonna cry
my tears ♪

Uh, can we get
the rings, please?

Stan!

(Screaming)

(Jules chuckles)

Aah! (Chuckles)

Back to the nanny, Stan!

Do you, Grayson,
take my daughter Jules

to be your wife
and to take care of

or I'll kick your ass?

I do.

♪ Lost and found ♪

June Bug, you've never
looked more beautiful.

You really want this fella to be
your husband, don't ya?

I really do, dad.

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

(Sighs)

Use your horse, Chick.

♪ Oh, oh, ah, ah, ah ♪

(Nickers)
♪ somebody found me here ♪

Then I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Now let's all just
stop walking...

♪ Somebody saved me ♪

And watch this young man
kiss his bride.

♪ If you're gonna cry
my tears ♪

♪ if you're gonna hold
my breath ♪

♪ if you're gonna let me see ♪

♪ the sun you set ♪

(Sighs)

All right. What the hell's
going on here?

You guys, go! Go!

Come on.

Guys? A little help?

(Indistinct conversations)

♪ Oh, I am lost and found ♪
(Horse whinnies)

I love you so much.

I love you, too, but hold on.

I'm not great at driving
these things.

(Grunts)
What are you doing, hon?

Daniel's having trouble
sleeping.

Will you take a quick pic?

This is seriously not okay.

Andy, the man can't sleep.

He's got a parole hearing
at 6:00.

(Camera beeps, shutter clicks)

Well, would you
at least CC me on that?

Maybe. I'll ask Daniel
if it's okay.