Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 13 - It'll All Work Out - full transcript

Aw, remember last year's
4th of July barbecue?

Look, there's Bobby
lighting fireworks.

Mm.

There's Bobby on fire.

There's you laughing
at Bobby on fire.

I love that picture of me.

These pictures
skip from Labor Day to New Year's.

How did we miss Thanksgiving?

Remember, our schedules got
all mixed up?

We all went away,
and none of us really knew

when we were coming back.



Guess what? Tomorrow
we celebrate Thanksgiving.

Or we celebrate
Thanksgiving in the fall.

What if we're not around
next fall?

What if a new group comes in
and replaces us?

- Oh.
- Everybody's gonna be like,

"What happened
to the Cul-De-Sac crew?

I miss them.

Who are these new people?
They're not so good."

No.

Okay, guys,
I have an announcement.

And, no, Andy,
for the last time,

we're not having
dueling slumber parties.

Damn! I'm never gonna get
to do a panty raid.

Dream bigger, dude.



Look, Thanksgiving is
my favorite holiday

because I get to tell
the people I love

how much I appreciate them.

Since we missed last year,

I've decided that tomorrow
is Thanksgiving.

Oh, well, as long
as we're making things up,

I won't be able to attend.

I'm driving to Georgia
to adopt a baby unicorn.

I don't want
to celebrate Fakesgiving.

We're not calling it that.

- Everyone's calling it that.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Besides, Jules,
I have to work tomorrow.

Thanksgiving is
always on Thursday.

You should probably take
Friday off, too.

Lot of fake shopping sales.

Sorry, J-Bird, tomorrow is
Nickel Taco at Nickel's Tacos,

not to be confused
with Nickel Taco, which sells

tacos every day for a nickel,
but they're just not as good.

Listen, hillbilly,
you and everyone else here

are coming
to Jules' Thanksgiving.

You might be brave enough
to say no to her.

Are you brave enough
to say no to me?

Go ahead. Say something, Jelly.
I dare you.

Damn, Torres.

If you were a dude,

I'd be super turned-on
right now.

I would wear you out.

Nanny text.
Wonder what Stan did now.

Your son tagged my garage?

Got some good handwriting.

Right?

Relax. I buy him
washable paint.

Why would you buy him
any paint?

The kid's totally out
of control.

Please.
Kids get into trouble.

That's what they do.

He has so much spirit.

She makes excuses for Stan when
she should be punishing him.

Tell her.
She's being a bad mom.

No, no, no.
You do not want to go there.

Telling a woman
she's a bad mom is, like,

the most offensive thing
you can say to her.

I was at the zoo in 1994.

I gave Travis
two ice-cream cones.

Then this woman
from Omaha decides

to make a comment about it.

Next thing you know,
I'm getting escorted out

of the park with a chunk
of hair in my hand.

Hey. I heard you guys are
having a Fakesgiving.

No one's calling it that.

Everyone is.

Well, you are welcome
to join us.

Oh, thanks, but I'm scheduled

to perform aneurysm surgery.

You know, if you don't
catch it quick...

For a brain surgeon,
that guy drinks a lot of beer

when he's not brain surgeoning.

Hey, I have set my clock
to count down to our wedding.

We only have
four months left...

Be more insane.

And guess who is crushing it
at writing her vows?

I want my vows to be just
crazy romantic.

All Bobby said was,
"You're awesome. Nice hoots."

And then he motorboated me.

You better bring your "A" game,

because my vows are so good,
they'll blow you away.

You haven't written
your vows, have you?

Not a word, but Grayson needs
all the time he can get.

You know, he's not great
at expressing his feelings.

This box shows
more feelings than he does.

Look. Mm. Mm. Wah.

Aw, this box is sad.

How did Stan even get
down here?

Oh, no. He was asking me
a lot of questions

- about the bus schedule.
- Oh.

- Ladies.
- Ugh.

Well, if it isn't my competition
for this year's mayoral race.

You're really running
for mayor?

No big deal.

It took 5 minutes to sign up
and 19 years

in the business world
to prepare.

Excuse me.

Well, I'll see you
at the pizza toss, chump.

See you at the what what?

Oh, it's
some dumb publicity stunt

at an Italian restaurant.

They get all the candidates
together,

and they toss pizzas
for the photographers.

Oh, my God. Andy.

You have to toss
the crap out of that pizza.

One bad photo op can ruin
a campaign.

Look... When we hear
stuff about taxes and schools,

we just tune out.

All we ever remember
about candidates

is who traded sex
for crystal meth,

who shot and ate a dolphin,

and who looked like a moron
with pizza dough on his face.

Come on.

Oh, I forgot to wash

the gravy boat out
from last year.

Oh, no worries.
It's easier to peel off

when it hardens, anyway.

Oh, wow.

That is
both disgusting and awesome

all at the same time.

So what did Ellie want?

Hmm?

Come on. That whole gettin'
in our faces and yellin' at us

to support you--
That's a classic butter-up.

What are you talking about?

That's when you do something
for someone--

When you want that someone
to do something for you.

I did it when we were
married all the time.

You remember
when I wanted that pool?

I told you I'd never cheat
on you again

and how much I loved you,

and I gave you a foot rub
and whatnot.

Then I asked you for a pool,
and bam! I got a pool.

And two months later, you banged
the pool guy's wife in it,

and I learned
the meaning of irony.

You're welcome.

Ellie's my friend.
There's no strings attached.

She just wants me to be happy.

Big Carl. Mm.

Don't ever leave me,
buddy. Mm.

You talk to him a lot?

Only after you go to bed.

Hey, slick.

How are you coming
with those vows?

Here's a little bit.

♪ For better or worse ♪

♪ for the rest of my life ♪

♪ till death do us part ♪

♪ gonna make you my wife ♪

♪ 'cause you were made for me ♪

That's a good start. Whatever.

You know what would make
tomorrow extra special?

If Grayson got to hear
your vows at dinner.

What?!

I showed you mine.
You show me yours.

Classic schoolyard rules, huh?

I can't wait to say them.

Why would you do that?

For fun.

I can't believe you brought
that box home.

Writing vows is really hard.

It's terrible.

"Grayson, there are
so many great things about you.

For instance, I've never
seen you hit a child."

Wow. All right.

Um, I'd help you
with this romantic stuff,

but this here--
Jet-black cave full of bats.

You'll figure it out, sweetie.

Can I ask you a little favor?

I was wondering,

do you think Stan could be
the ring bearer at your wedding?

It would mean so much
to me to have him there.

Plus, he'd look so cute
in his little tux.

- Wouldn't he?
- Yeah, eh--

Hey, E-biscuit.

Stan's outside trying
to lasso a puppy.

He is getting good
with that extension cord.

He's an athlete.
Mm.

Go ahead.

That bitch just buttered me up.

Hey, y'all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fakesgiving.

Shush it. Okay, um, Laurie,
I have to ask you,

because you just never know.

Is that
a costume or a real outfit?

It's a costume.

Did you guys really think
this was my outfit?

Besides Thanksgiving, I also
missed Halloween last year

because I was getting
that tattoo removed

from my upper left drumstick,

and then on Christmas,
I passed out on the booze cruise

that turned out to be
a cruise cruise,

and I woke up in Belize,
so today I'm gonna represent

all three holidays
that I missed.

Happy Thanks-Mas-Ween, everyone!

Well done. You took
something completely absurd

and multiplied it by 3.

Okay, I have made a list
of jobs for everyone.

Um, Bobby, your job is to do
exactly what you normally do

on Thanksgiving.

Drink beer and watch football?

- Don't let me down.
- Ooh.

Grayson and Andy,
you go buy the centerpiece.

Go.

- Okay, Miss Krazy Kakes...
- Yes?

- You're gonna bake pies...
- Whoo!

And, Travis, you're going to write my wedding vows.

What?

You got me into this mess,
and besides,

you're so creative.

That's why I work so hard to pay
your way through college.

Quality guilt trip.
I'll see what I can do.

Now, Ellie,
Stan can be the ring bearer

if he can prove he can do it.

How?

I'll think of something.

Thinking equals drinking.

Oh, sure, sure. Sure.

There's no football on this time of year,

so I got a tape of a game
from 1949 that I've never seen.

Working on mom's wedding vows.

You didn't exactly inherit

the romantic gene
from your pops.

I heard about
your wedding vows,

and I don't think mom wants
to motorboat Grayson.

Hey, the crowd loved it.

Well, if you're so good at it,

why don't you say something
romantic to that beer?

Beer, other drinks may
get me drunk,

but only you intoxicate me.

Wish I felt that way
about anything.

Is that quarterback smoking?

Back then,
football was hard-core.

Where are the hot black guys?

I'm so happy I'm wasting my time...

Doing this instead of learning

how to toss a pizza
in five hours.

Dude, tossing 'za is easy.

When Vivian left me, I watched
a lot of how-to videos.

I can also tile a bathroom,
make soap,

stonewash my own jeans,

oh, and I can squeeze
a pressure point on your hand

that will make
your whole body relax.

Great, 'cause I am freaked out.

Good God.
That's amazing.

- Yeah?
- Wow.

It's like my legs are
just gone.

Say hello to the gauntlet.

If Stan can walk down this aisle
without getting distracted,

he can be the ring bearer.

My boy is gonna crush this.
Hmm.

The only way devil
baby is gonna be in our wedding

is if we Hannibal Lecter him
to a Dolly.

I don't want him there
raising hell either.

I have rigged this
so he cannot win.

For Stan, this is a walk
of temptation.

I've got
a table full of markers,

a hammer...
Next to a jar of shells,

and I borrowed
the Flanagans' puppy.

Now is the puppy a distraction
because he wants to play with it

or...

Who cares?

Stan, come to mommy.

Ooh, permanent markers.

Stan, focus on me.

All right. You. Me.
Come on!

Stan, there's a hammer. Go nuts.
Smash anything you want.

Don't listen to her!
Ignore her.

She's a witch.

He's gonna make it.

Not if I can help it. Rice!

There you go. Yeah.

Go for the eyes!

I am!

Ignore it.

Good job!

He's gonna be your ring bearer.

Yay.

So, guys, I really appreciate
you helping me

with these wedding vows.

How about something
along the lines

of "I cannot wait to share
one life, one home,

one consciousness"?

Stinks.

Vows need to be heartfelt,
Trav, like,

"Grayson, you're so hot
that I don't have to pretend

that you're Matt Damon
when we do it.

I just pretend
that he's watching."

Oh, I got it.

"Grayson,
you are mountain-brewed

with the choicest of hops."

Can one of you say something
that's not about beer

and not about having sex
with Matt Damon?

Pfft.

Pilsner!

You guys are both less
than zero help.

Okay, I just mashed together
a bunch of Stan's play-doh

'cause the consistency is
like pizza.

Wash your hands after this.

Some of that might have been
in Stan's butt.

Noted.

Tossing is
all about confidence.

There is no pizza.

There's just you.

Hmm?
Oh.

Give her a whirl.

Here we go.

Ohh.

Oh, you know,
I'm not built for this.

My hands are like five
"D" batteries taped to a bagel.

- No, no. Look, look, look, look.
- You're fine.

Just-- just stop being
a wuss. You got this.

I'm-- I'm never gonna get
to be the mayor.

Whoa.

Why is everybody so down?

Bobby, you're not even watching
your old football game.

Those damn leather helmets.

I mean, a guy got hit
and never got up.

I saw a man die.

All right. Uh, I know what
will cheer everyone up.

Let's drink a bunch of wine!

- Oh, I like that idea.
- Yeah, all right.

Yeah, okay.

Hand me the glass.

No!

Overreaction in three...

Two... one...

Your son just killed
one of my best friends!

Called it.

It's not that big a deal.
I'll buy you a new one.

Damn it, Ellie.
Discipline your son.

That's him being out of control,
and it's your fault

for being a bad mom.

- Ohh!
- Oh, no. No, no.

- Ohh.
- Wow.

- No. No.
- Wow.

Okay. Take-backs?

Screw you, and I'm out of here.

Well, this is
the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Well, that's because
it's not Thanksgiving.

Shut your pie hole.

Great news.

My patient died,
and I brought wine.

Are those all for you?

This is how much
Big Carl used to hold.

Mm.

Ohh.

It's not the same.

I said the meanest thing
to Ellie.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Y-you're kind.
You're sweet.

You got a tush
I can set my watch to.

Aw.
That was weird, but... aw.

Well...

I need to apologize to Ellie,

and I want you to come with me.

Score.

Dad, I thought
you could use a cold one.

Laurie, I didn't know
what to get you,

so here's $46.

This feels like $43.

Hmm. I'm smellin'
a butter-up.

Oh.

I'm sorry I blew up
about the vows.

Please come back and help.

Successfully buttered.

I was right. This is $43.

That's a weird, scary talent.

You know, they say
the saddest holidays

are the ones spent alone,

but alone
on a fake holiday--

That seems worse.

You are going to miss
that pizza toss, huh?

Don't you want to be mayor?

God, why do you care about
this so much?

You and I gotta be a team now.

Jules and Ellie--
They're already a team.

If we don't have
each other's backs,

they're just gonna keep
bulldozing us

into doing a bunch of stuff
that we don't want to do.

Today it was a fake holiday.
What's it gonna be tomorrow?

They'll make us get Italian food
when we want Chinese.

Oh, that will be okay.
I'll get a nice gnocchi.

No. You want Chinese food!

I do want Chinese food.

Then what do you say?
Are we a team?

I will stand with you.

Great. Now let's go
sling some dough.

Please don't hold my hand.

Oh. Sorry.

Thanks for coming with me.

Oh, sure, but why am I here?

Well, I want Ellie
to use up her mad on you.

Look, Tom's here..

With muddy shoes.

Aah.

Oh, hey.

All right.
That's all, buddy.

Am I really a bad mom?

Oh, sweetie.

No shoes in the house.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

Well, now I'm 3 feet tall.

Ohh.

I like that box's concept,

but it's like
a burp coffin in there.

We've been at this for an hour.

We've got nothing.

I'm hungry.

Let's go to Ellie and Andy's.

People with kids have
the best snacks.

Except for foster parents.
Toothpaste sandwiches, y'all.

Plus side-- I have literally
never had a cavity.

Oh.

True story. Come on.

Oh, honey. I am so sorry
for what I said.

I just-- I freaked, you know?

You know how much
I loved Big Carl.

I mean, he was always there
for me, never judging me.

Just the thought of him
makes me smile.

Laurie, are you getting
this down?

Hell, yeah, I am.

Welcome to the Gulfhaven
mayoral pizza toss!

Candidates! C-candidates.

Hi, everybody. I'm Andy Torres,
and I'm running for mayor.

Shut up, baldy!
Toss the dough!

There is no pizza.

"There's snow peas, bra"?

There is no pizza!

There's just you.

Yeah.

Ready? Go ahead.

Your move, mayor.

So you don't really think
I'm a bad mom?

Well, I mean,
you're not the worst.

But you know why I ignore
all the crap that Stan does?

It's not 'cause I think
it's funny.

I ignore it just
'cause I don't want to admit

my kid is a nightmare.

All right. Here's how this
is gonna go down.

I'm gonna help you be
strict with Stan.

- He's gonna hate me.
- For, like, a minute,

and you're gonna forget most
of the bad times anyway,

although it is hard
to forget that phase that

Travis screamed every time
he saw an ethnic person.

My mom still does that.

This is gonna suck for a while.

It will, but I promise you,
by the time Stan is 9,

he's gonna be sleeping
in your bed every night.

Well, that might just be
Travis and me. Hmm.

We had a sleepover
last Tuesday.

Oh, cute.

I'm not gonna have another kid,

and before I know it,
Stan's gonna be a grown-up,

and you
and every other mom I know

always talk about
those memories

where their kid does
something so cute

that everyone says, "aw."
It's not fair.

I'm never gonna have one
of those moments.

Well, if you don't believe
you will,

then I'll believe for you.

Thank you.
The bats are smiling.

Okay, first
I'd like to congratulate Andy...

And thank him and Grayson

for
the very creative centerpiece.

It's a watermelon
spray-painted orange.

I think you owe me some vows.

Hand me the notepad.

"Grayson, you're always there
for me, never judging me.

Just the thought of you
can make me smile."

These are perfect.

"I love that I can fit
an entire bottle of wine in you

and carry you around."

We should have
changed some stuff.

You think?

Most of it was very nice.

All right.

Let's hold hands.

Okay, what I love most
about Thanksgiving,

even in the spring,
is that I get

to be around all the people
that I love.

Could I say something?

Oh, hey. I forgot
you were here.

Uh, I just want you to know

I am so happy you let me be
part of your group.

- Well...
- No, no. Let him have it.

Thank you all for being
my friends.

- Mm.
- Let's eat.

- Okay.
- Yay.

Hey, where's the turkey?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Aw.

♪ see, I'm gonna change
my mind ♪

♪ change my mind ♪

How'd you get him to do that?

I promised him
four cans of spray paint.

You should park in the garage
for the next couple weeks.

- You want-- You want to carve?
- Yeah.

Yeah. All right.
The new dad's gonna...

Ladies, wine?

We're all here to pay
our respects to Big Carl.

I remember
when I first met Big Carl.

He was the base of a lamp.

Mm. I'll see you
at the crossroads, homie.

Oh, no. Not this again.

With endings come
new beginnings.

Everyone, say hello to Big Lou.

- Hi there.
- Ohh.

Yeah.

Rest in peace, Big Carl.

We'll always
remember the good times.