Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - Square One - full transcript

We are so lucky

the hurricane only damaged
Grayson's house.

- Mm.
- Yes.

That was really lucky.

I love that you guys are forced

to live here together
until your place is fixed.

It's like "The Real World,"

if they did it
with old and boring people.

You know what my wake-up present
was this morning?

This one forgot to flush
her pee.

It's called "being green."



I'm sorry I care
about the future of our planet.

Think of the children.

I'm sorry.
I didn't realize

you were so passionate
about the environment.

Just try to know me, okay?

Okay. Bye.

Forgot to flush, didn't ya?

Yeah.

3x12
- Square One -

I need coffee.

I was up all night
on my computer

with army boyfriend Wade
bumpin' cyber-uglies.

When I busted open my
American flag bra, it was like,

Tali-bam!



Enough sex talk. It's not fair
to lover boy over there.

Look at him. He's glazed over,
just counting the seconds

till he can get to his room
for a solo sesh.

- Seriously?
- Would you leave him alone?

You know, what you do up there
is your business.

Praying for death right now.

What?
It's so natural. I do it.

Ohh. That's gonna leave a mark.
I will have my revenge,

but I need to shut it down
for a minute.

Ellie is just jealous

because when it comes
to bringing the sexy,

I am like a heart attack
in a thong.

Seriously.
One time I killed a guy

and brought him back
without even stopping.

That is a fake story.

I feel sorry
for all the unemployed drifters

that have had to watch you
flail around naked

like you're being electrocuted.

"What?"

"It's so good."

Besides, I am much sexier
than you.

Okay. You both have
your strengths.

- You are creative.
- Yes.

You're flexible.

You've got daddy issues,
which... that's always fun,

and you're classy,

but you have a dark side
that draws you in.

I'm like the Dexter of sex.

I love you,
and then I will kill you.

In order to prove who's better,

you have to find somebody
you've both slept with.

Okay, so I went through
your lists of sexual partners,

and, uh...

Let me tell ya,
that's a lot of names.

(Whispers) Ohh.

Hos.
Anyway, meet our hero...

Vincent Hawthorne.

Vincent.

I helped him blow through
his trust fund in the '90s.

You must have done a good job,
because in 2007,

he was "Vinny,"

and he worked
at a car wash in Tampa.

Ohh. Vincent, no.

Wow. You guys weren't gonna
move in together

until you got married.

This is a big deal.

It doesn't seem like it.

Nope.

Lynn's off her game today.

I'm not off my g--

You just got here.

Anyway, you know how I never
like to toot my own horn.

Wow.

About us moving in together--
It's not a big deal

because I am incredibly easy
to live with.

Merp!

That's the noise I'm gonna make

every time you toot
your own horn.

You know I hate when people
use noises for words.

Look, I know you guys think
it's gonna be easier

because you've both been
married before,

but sometimes it works
against you.

Sometimes people place
their ex's baggage

onto their current partner.

That's dumb.

I know, right?

Survey says...

I feel like
you're not even trying.

What?
Earlier today, I got a man

to say "I'm sorry" to his wife
for the first time.

Okay, granted, that's not
going to unstrangle her.

- Grr.
- Oh.

Help me, Lynn.

Tell my story.

Oh.

Bobby, you can't drink wine
on the couch anymore.

You always spill.

Do not.

Wine.

Motor oil.

Mustard.

I mean, how do you even get
mustard on the ceiling?

Mustard fight.
He started it.

By daring you to start
a mustard fight.

Oh, you're just as messy as me.

Oh, really?

White shirt challenge.

First person who gets a stain
on their shirt loses.

No napkins. No mercy.

Game on.

Great.

Oh, would you like
a burrito?

- Mm.
- Go out for it.

Ooh!

- I'm open!
- It's a trick!

I just did that
to my own house.

Yeah.
I-I remember both of you two.

What's up, girls? You want to
come over... together?

Oh, that would settle it.

No.

Hey, Vinny, do you remember
when we first met

and I asked you
if you were that actor

from "The Fast And The Furious"...

And you said yes,
and then we had sex

that was so hot...

I totally forgave you
for lying?

- What's going on?
- Shh!

Vincent, remember
that summer in The Hamptons

we made love all weekend
at your beach house?

I'll be back.

Here are some highlights
to jog your memory--

Champagne, stable,

a horse that wanted
to look away but couldn't.

Stable? I can't even
get her on the daybed.

Okay, all adults,
please stop sharing with me.

Hey, Vinny, buddy,
uh, this doesn't end

till you say
who was sexier, so...

Yeah, got to go with Ellie.

- No!
- Yes!

Oh! I have to stretch.

I don't want to pull a muscle
when I get my gloat on.

Come on!
I was gonna do air splits!

You know, living with you
is going to be a cakewalk.

Ohh.

You know, it's tricky to walk
around holding a bunch of cakes.

I think that "cakewalk" should
mean something really hard.

No. I hate it
when you do that, okay?

You can't change
the meaning of phrases.

Agree on the change?

Change approved.

No, you...

You...

I'm gonna go walk
around the house...

And calm down.

Okay.
Have a good time, sweetie.

He does that now.

Oh, can you believe my shrink?

Grayson and I
are not gonna have

a hard time living together.

Eh.

Okay, that is my least favorite
noise-for-word substitute

because you only do it
when you think I'm being dumb.

You are being dumb.

Halfway finished.

Feeling better.

Really sharing a house
is like being trapped

in a submarine forever.

At some point,

someone's gonna freak, open
the hatch, and kill everyone.

Oh, please.
You sound like Lynn.

She's going through something.

Oh.

- Hey, yo, Earth Day.
- Mm.

I found these plastic bottles
in your trash.

Oh, yeah.

I meant to separate them
and put them...

In whatever you put them in.

Okay.
I'm not gonna be able

to keep this up.

I'm not green.

I just said that
'cause I was embarrassed

to say I forgot to flush.

PS-- I did it again
five minutes ago.

I mean, I've been
living with you for one day,

and now you're already
lying to me?

Oh, it feels great, Jules,

you know, to live
in a house of lies.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Dude.

Okay. I-I know that you're
giving me a smug look,

so I'm not gonna look at you.

Come on. It's so good!

Nope.

Lies!

Lies!

Nope. Nope. No.

Okay, look, I want to know
everything that's going on with you,

but first, you can't drink wine
on the couch.

I thought
that was Bobby's rule.

It's a new rule for everyone,
except for Ellie.

I mean, I've seen her
drop her son,

but I have never seen her
drop wine.

Thank you.

- Seriously?
- What is this,

"Turn Everything
Into A Big Deal" day?

I can play, too.

Oh, this room smells
like guacamole.

I want to sell the house!

You know, it does smell
like guacamole.

I threw a burrito at Bobby.

It's not important.

Look...

When you lied about being green,
I know I overreacted, okay,

but it's just that

that is exactly
what happened with my ex.

I mean, Vivian seemed great.

Then we got married,

and then she suddenly
lost interest

in everything
I really cared about,

like my bar, having kids,
shaving her pits.

Ooh. Vivian got crunchy.

- Sure. Sure.
- Mm.

I just don't want to go
into marriage

feeling like I've been tricked.

Now that I know how you feel,
I can handle it.

There is no one better at fixing
relationships than me.

- Merp!
- Eh.

Really? Both noises?

Hi, guys.

You know,
there are so many things

that I'm better at than you,

like reading, speaking,

not eating a doughnut like
a bear eats a salmon.

What else? I wrote it down.

Oh. "Sex"!

It's on both hands.
"Sex. Sex."

Whatever, Ellie.

You know, I got a lot
of weird looks

when I waved good-bye
to Stan at preschool,

but I gotta say...

Worth it.

Careful. Waiter with soup.

Ooh. Look at you,
protecting my white shirt

like you're some sort
of secret service agent.

You know, if you did
this all day,

I think I could win this.

Already called in sick.

Good God! Ice cream.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Whew.

It was rough listening
to Ellie talk to Vincent.

I'm not jealous.
It's just...

Sexually, she used to be
so spontaneous,

and now it's always
the same--

Every Sunday at 4:00,
shades down, teeth brushed,

her turn, my turn.

My turn.

What? Hmm.

What the hell?
I was out of air.

Well, I just want
to let you know

that I will always be
spontaneous.

You're the best.

You know, Ellie used
to be so exciting.

I never thought
she'd lose that.

Oh.

This day just
gets weirder and weirder.

Those guys just said
that their cheese sticks

got delivered
with three missing.

Weird.

Hmm.

Look, I know that you were
hurt in the past,

so I have written down
every single thing

that I thought you might
not know about me.

She even had us make
a list, too.

You know, in case
she missed anything.

So we're gonna lay it out here,

and then tonight
you and I will celebrate

at the "I know the crap out
of my fiancee" dinner.

I'm making
all of your favorites,

except for meat loaf.

Let's just get
the ball rolling.

I actually hate meat loaf.
It tastes like cat food.

Mm. How would you know that
unless you've eaten cat food?

It was a dare in high school.

Last week.

Shush it. We're easing in.

Is that a cheese stick?

Look, I'm an open book.

There's not that much to tell.

Everything I said
I love about you, I love,

but, okay, remember when I wore
that baseball cap for a week?

Yeah.

I didn't have a bad haircut.

I've got a little bald spot
right here,

but I take pills, so as long
as we have medical coverage,

you know, it should be fine.

You're bald?

Oh, she has major hair issues.

Once a week,
she has to shave her fingers

from here to here.

Those damn pills--
They give me monkey knuckles.

I just got
negative goose bumps.

Maybe that's enough for now.

I'll see you at dinner.
7:30 sharp, okay?

Please tell me
you don't use my razor

to shave your hands.

Let's save some stuff
for tonight, okay?

Okay. Bring it in slow.
3 inches.

Nice.

Well, how come you never made
dinners like this for me

when we were married?

I did, but you never showed
because you were too busy

banging waitresses
at the waffle house.

Now honestly,
how many times did you get

syrup poured in your lap?

Too many. It was like
an oil spill down there.

You can never really
clean it all up.

Watch the glass!
Watch the glass.

Watch the glass.
Okay. It is so lame

that you have
a personal shirt protector.

Not me. Check it.

Making red sauce with no apron.

Is she gonna go "cocktail"
on this bottle of olive oil?

You know she is.

Ooh!
That's right, chumps.

No!

You took a meatball for me.

I'd take a whole pot roast
for you, sir.

How long do you think Andy's
felt sexually unfulfilled?

Kill me. Does that answer
make any sense?

Look, you take care of him
in other ways.

Cooking?

- No.
- Ironing his shirts?

Is this the '50s?

- Rubbing his feet?
- Have you seen them?

- Rubbing his back?
- There's no rubbing.

Scratching his back?

My fingers get stuck.

Listening to him?

I'm not his friend, Travis.
I'm just his wife.

Still, I really appreciate
you keeping it between us.

Hey, do you remember when I said
that I would have my revenge?

Knock, knock.

Oh, no.

Ladies and gentlemen,

weighing in at a weight

that a woman her height
would feel good about,

the undisputed tramp-ion
of the world-- Laurie Keller!

This is really
not the right bra for this.

Chew faster. My arm's tired.

Oh.
Look who's finally here.

Oh, sorry.

You know, I can't believe
I started a fight this morning,

but you coming in and laying
all your stuff out on the table

made me realize
how much I love you,

monkey hands and all.

In fact, I'm gonna kiss
that thing right now.

I'm just--
Ugh. Aah. Stubble.

How about the lips?

Oh, good. Fight's over.

Get away.

Fight's back on.

Dinner was at 7:30.
It's after 8:00.

Is this how it's gonna be?

I just cross my fingers
and hope you'll show?

I thought living
with you, Grayson,

would be a breeze,
but I was wrong.

It's gonna be a cakewalk.

Uh, that doesn't mean that.

The change was approved, jerk.

I'm gonna go take a lap.

What just happened?

Life just happened, man.

All right, you need to warn me

if you're gonna say
beautiful things.

This isn't working for me!

I kinda like it.

I'm still mad at Grayson,

but I'm not gonna lose my cool.

Screw him!

I'll kick his ass!

I'm so mad, Laurie.

Why would he do this?

I love him.

I know. Who cares, right?

Honey, are you PMSing?

A little,

and those hair pills give me
crazy mood swings.

Oh, no.

Hey, dude.

Why are you shirtless,
and why are you in my house?

Which question should
I answer first?

Why don't you knock 'em
both out?

Well, my shirt's off
so I won't stain it,

and I'm in your house
'cause I currently live here.

Two strong answers.

That hurricane did
an even worse number

at my place.

Oh, by the Wynonna,
is J-Bird still all mad?

Yep, all because I was
a few minutes late.

You know, that's not near
as bad as her pulling

a full-on Vivian and lying
about who she really is.

Is it cool if I drink wine
on the couch?

Well, there's a tree
in my living room,

so go nuts,
and thanks, by the way.

Because of you, I can't have
wine on Jules' couch either.

Mm. How fair is that?

Yeah, that isn't fair.

I'm gonna get a glass.

All right.
Careful in the kitchen.

There's a family of crows
that are living in the oven,

and it's not as funny
as it sounds.

You guys still being
bitches to each other?

Oh, right.
I'm really great at sex.

I'm so much better
than you, Ellie.

Jelly, you're so slutty...

Slutty... whatever.

I'm getting a weird vibe here.

It's just all of this sex talk
has really made us both...

What was that word you used?

Introspective.

Right. It has made us
both really...

I had it, and then I lost it.

Look, when I'm with a guy,
I like to put on, like,

a real show, you know?

There's acrobatics
and costume changes,

tears, if I can get there,

but I do want to get married.

I don't want to have to do
the same crazy show

for the rest of my life.

You know, as a woman,

if you do anything different
sexually with a guy,

he'll expect it every time,

and, yes,
I want Andy to be happy,

but I don't want to be
totally naked.

I get too cold.

And I'm sorry
if I don't move around a lot.

I have to concentrate,
you know?

No.

Look, I know you're looking
for some advice,

but I'm actually not
as experienced as you'd think.

No one thinks
you're experienced.

Oh, good.

Okay, if I try to help,
do you promise to never again

include me in any discussions
of a sexual nature?

We promise.

Laurie, stop trying
so hard, okay?

Just give a guy one moment

that lets him know
it's about him.

You don't need to put
on a big show,

unless... you end up
with a great guy

who has... heard
about the show,

and then maybe you wanna do
just one last show

so he can see
what all the fuss is about,

- but if not--
- Keep it moving.

Right. Uh, Mrs. Torres,
you can still keep

your cold-blooded,
bat-like nature.

Same advice-- Just give Andy
one nice moment

that lets him know
it's about him.

Nailed it.

And then
President Lincoln says,

"The only way to fight
these aliens

is to resurrect
the dinosaurs."

Well, you're right. That would
be the best movie ever.

Come with me.

What for?

No way.

Hey, come on!
It's not Sunday.

Don't go. This place is crawling
with potential stains!

Ohh!

Can we talk?

All right.

I always give you crap about
what a bad husband you were.

Yep.

Marriage for me was
a total cakewalk.

Oh.

Thank you for using it right.

Still...

What was it about me
that made you pull away?

Oh, hey. Come on.

I mean, it's gotta be
something, right?

Grayson's already showing up
late for dinner.

I mean, next thing you know,

he's gonna be out banging
some waitress.

Wow.

You got all the way there
from him being 20 minutes late?

I do what I do.

When we got married,
I wasn't scared at all,

and now I'm terrified.

I mean, this one has to work.

I can't end up

five years from now
being single,

trying to start my life
over again.

I won't be able to do it.

What the hell is going on
with you and Grayson?

I mean, he's acting like
you're his ex-wife,

and-- and you're not Vivian.

You got much better boobs.

And a better butt.

Mm... it's close.

She got into yoga.

Oh. Well, I hope
you don't think it's weird,

but for the rest
of this conversation,

I will be doing lunges.

J-bird, I promise,

Grayson's gonna treat
you right.

He's not me.

You don't know that.

Hey, hey, hey.
Look, I wasn't good to you

when I had the chance,
but that's my burden to bear,

not yours,
and please don't tell me

that my mistakes turned you
into a coward.

♪ You know I got the other 3 ♪

I try too hard sexually.

Girlfriend, I just ravaged Andy.

I think he really liked it.

That was so awesome!

Shh. Watch your TV, boo.

I even took off all my clothes.

I mean, just for a minute,

and then I put
my sweatshirt back on.

You promised you'd stop talking
to me about this stuff.

Your mom's busy. Deal with it.

Ahh.

Hey. We're just gonna get
some wine.

Crows took my corkscrew
into the oven.

If you get too close,
they go for the eyes.

Come sit with me.

No wine on the couch.

That's a dumb rule.

Yeah, that's a dumb rule
for everyone.

Not for everyone.

Honey, I'm so sorry
I freaked out.

This is your house, too.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, man. I am great
at ending arguments.

Merp!

Ohh.

Come here.

Oh, God!

Oh, yeah!
White shirt winner!

We were
at each other's throats,

but then Bobby pointed out
that we were putting the baggage

from our past relationships
onto each other.

- Sometimes Bobby's pretty brilliant.
- Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

'Cause that's exactly,
and I mean exactly,

what I said would happen.

I don't think so.

I-I so did say that,

and you said, "that's dumb,"
and you said,

uh, "survey says..."

I would never use a noise
in place of a word.

You would know that
if you ever listened.

Sorry. I just had to--
I had to break something.

So... what else should we talk
about today?