Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - Down South - full transcript

Hurricane Mary is due to hit tomorrow
with strong winds and heavy rain.

Oh, my God. Do you know what this means?

Power outages, trees falling, floods.

No. Hurricane Party, my house, tomorrow!
Tell everyone.

Hey, everyone!

Everyone I like.

Never mind! But it is closing time.

You don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.

Bam!

Oh. I just need one more glass of cab.

That's actually illegal for
me to sell after I close.



That's why I'm not paying for it.

I love hurricanes.
They're like adult snow days.

You know, you don't have to go to work.

You drink and play games.

So it's like every day for us.

But with wind.

Oh, brother.

Thanks for your help.

Well, I gotta protect my hangout spot.

I didn't think this through!

Should... should I just come inside?!

Can't really hear you.

That's weird! I can hear you perfectly!

Nice cover.



Wow. Hurricane Mary?

More like hurricane scary.

Oh, where's my baby girl?

She's at Grayson's with the guys.

Mm. Jules, this apple...
it's too hard.

She's at Grayson's with the guys.

Sorry! I am just too angry to
talk to you right now, Wade!

Ohh! He re-enlisted!
He's gonna be overseas for a whole other year.

I thought that we were
really getting serious.

Of all the relationships of people

who have never met each other,
I really believed in this one.

Relationships are hard, like apples.

Pretty sure I swallowed the sticker.

Ah. Seriously, I can hear you clear as day!

Shh, shh. Guys, don't.

I'm gonna go take a long, sad bath.

There goes that loofah.

Laurie should date you, Trav.

What? When we made out,
he was super classy.

You know, most guys just go,
like, straight for the taters,

but, mnh-mnh, not this one.

That's the way I raised him.

"Taters are for laters."

She actually did say that.

I did. But, you know, Laurie
doesn't really see me like that.

No! You are in the game now.

Once anyone in our pack of friends hooks
up with a dude, he is pack property.

Mm. You hear that?

I'm in the game.

Way to go, buddy.

Ellie. Meeting. Grayson's. Now.

Oh, God.

Travis got Laurie pregnant.

What?! Maybe I took a few steps ahead,
but still, it would be so horrible

if those two hooked up.

Really? Man, I think it would be great.

Is she staring at me?

Yeah. Hands on hips?

Uh-huh. Jaw clenched?

You know it. Head tipped to the...
oh, just look at her!

Oh, Travis.

What am I doing waiting around for a guy

that I've never even held
hands with or kissed

or burnt with a match?

I think that Wade and I are done.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Travis.

Ohh. I wish there were
more guys like you around.

Dude, you're in.

How could you be okay
with Trav dating Laurie?

He's... he's just a kid.

Plus she slept with your fiance.

Ow! Wh-why?

Sleeping with Laurie.

Oh. I'll allow it.

Laurie rocks. Plus it'd make Travis happy,

and that's okay by me.

The age difference is too big.

You can't stop love.

Ellie's mom didn't want her to date
me, but if I didn't go for it,

this magical thing never
would have happened.

He's talking about him and Bobby.

I love you, buddy.

You don't even know.

It's a split, so...
break the tie, life partner.

Well, I'm gonna have to say
that I could care less.

No. It's... I'm neutral.

I'm like Switzerland. You see, in World
War II, Switzerland acted as a n...

really? This is the new thing we do?

We pretend to be asleep when
someone tries to educate us?

This isn't new. No.

Maybe they can date someday,
like, you know, when I'm dead,

but for now, Travis still lives with
me sometimes, and Laurie's my friend.

I just... this will affect me way
worse than it will affect you.

All right. I get it.

I'll have a talk with him.

Hey, bud.

Can we, uh... can we talk about Laurie?

You know I really like her, huh?

Yeah, I can tell by the way
you stare at her breasts...

different from the way you stare
at other breasts, more respectful.

Should I go for it?

Hell, yeah.

Go be the shoulder for her to cry on.

Now bring it in.

I feel like I'm cheating on Andy.

I'm your son, so... it's fine.

Wow. The eye of the hurricane
can be up to 20 miles wide.

Really?

Rules are rules.

All right, everybody, I'm
shutting down early.

You ain't gotta go home,
but you can't stay here.

And towel on the shoulder for...
Bam!

How awesome is it that I get
to say that every night?

If by "awesome," you mean "lame and sad."

Oh, snap. But she's right.

It is a little bit of a cliche.

And that's coming from someone who
just learned "Oh, snap." Yeah.

You guys don't like my catchphrase?

But that's why I got a bar in the first
place, you know, to shut it down.

It's always the best part of my day.

Giant "thanks" from your fiancee.

Oh, before the hurricane party,
we have to stop by Bobby's boat.

Why?

She's not gonna let us out.

We're headed into the heart of the monster!

I don't understand what's happening!

We're playing "The Perfect Storm"!

Do your job and be the storm!

Oh, my God!

That's a wicked huge wave!

Hold on!

Come on, you bitch!

Hey, Trav!

Yeah, we're about to get
hit by a giant wave!

We're all gonna die and stuff! What's up?

I just, uh, wanted to let you know

that I'm gonna ride out the
storm here at Laurie's.

Sorry.

Tell dad he was right.

Being the shoulder to
cry on is a power move.

Ellie, drench him.

Seriously?!

I'm only an okay storm!
I'm not a perfect storm!

Well, this is a pisser!

Laurie, come to our hurricane party.

I'll take care of you.

You know, you can even color in
my gray hair with black marker.

So your mom wants us to hang over there.

Yeah. Totally.

Should we go? Let's stay.

Or go. I mean, going's good, but
staying's good, too, right,

because you're like, ohh, I
can't believe we have to go.

Besides, if we go, once we get there,
we're just gonna stay there.

I mean, going is just staying
in a different place, right?

Can I have some water?

You know, I can't believe you
told Trav to comfort Laurie.

Whenever you comforted me,
my panties disappeared.

I'm smarter than people think.

You just ate your hoodie string.

No more talking.

I'm just too mad. Let's watch the movie.

Ohh. Ohh! I can't b...
still no talking.

Worst hurricane party ever.

Dear God, we're out of wine.

For the first time this storm,

I'm scared.

Look, I think we should
just let Trav date Laurie.

No.

Why don't you guys play a game for it?

Winner gets their way.

That's what they do on "The Brady Bunch."

Ooh, side note.
Have you guys seen Peter Brady lately?

Guy's yoked.

Didn't he sleep with Mrs. Brady?
That was Greg.

I don't want to play some stupid game.

We've got much more important things to do.

What game do you want to play?

Scrabble. Taboo.

Butt ball.

All sound great, especially
butt ball, whatever that is.

Why don't we play a game to decide
what game we're gonna play?

Penny can!

We're playing celebrity.

Can Travis and Laurie
make sweet, sweet love?

Winner decides.

30 seconds is on the clock, and begin.

Okay. This actress... Julia Roberts.
Let me finish... who is not Julia Roberts,

was in the movie "Legally Blonde."

I know it. Um, okay, she was,

uh, married to an actor, and
then they... they broke up,

and then she got married to this other guy.

He's, um, he seems really nice, and
he's got, uh, a very nice face.

Hey, you guys.

Time out.

Reese Witherspoon?

Reese Witherspoon! Count it.

What?

You still look so sad.

Trav, take her up to my
bedroom and let her lie down.

Done.

What?

You just sent the two
people that you don't want

to be together to go hang out in a bedroom.

Who would have sex in their mom's bed?

Uh, been there.

Shoot.

How many times am I gonna do that?!

Would you like to suck the cork?

You're joking, but I already did.

What you got there?

Working on some new closing
lines for your bar?

Right now I'm really
liking the word "down."

You know, first of all,
it's a great rhyme word.

Just off the top... "Town."

"Drink it down.

I'll see ya in town."

"Drink it down. Watch out for clowns."

It's so sad, I'm losing my cork buzz.

What is happening to me?

I used to be on top of all the cool lingo.

Y-you know how people say, "Hey,
you want to come with us?"

I was the guy who dropped
the "us" part. Oh.

"Hey, you want to come with?"

I wonder what those d-bags did
with all the time you saved them.

Bedroom door open. Game back on.

Somebody already got this one?

Uh, monkey actor.

Charlton Heston. That guy.

Tom Berenger. Mustache.

Tom Selleck. Better mustache.

Ooh! Burt Reynolds.

No mustache but should have one.

Harrison Ford! Time.

They're killing us with mustache clues.

After round one, it's, uh, Andy and Bobby...
12... 12. Jules and Ellie...

a hard-fought zero.

Why did you pick this
game if you suck at it?

Me? Alan Alda didn't
invent the polio vaccine!

You knew what I meant!

We'd better get some wine in these
gals, or they're gonna turn on us.

What are you idiots whispering about?!

I'll drive.

What is wrong with me?

Every guy that I date leaves me.

Wade enlisted for another tour.

Smith just dumped me.

Dale blew himself up in a meth lab.

You can't take explosions so personally.

You know, sometimes
they're just explosions.

What you need is to date someone
who's gonna put your happiness

before their own.

But does that guy even exist?

I think he does.

Just promise me you won't
give up on Wade too quickly.

He is built like a black Peter Brady.

Yeah, almost a little too muscle-y.

Girls don't really like that.

That's just what I told you when you
were diagnosed with low testosterone.

He still takes pills.

Mom! Why?

Aah! Why'd you keep stopping to do those
Michael Jackson poses in the wind?

Dude, how could you not?

Whoa! Power works!

We got food, we got tunes,
and we got... Booze!

Could this get any better?

♪ Do you party? ♪

♪ it's cool with me ♪

♪ everyone wants to know ♪

♪ where's the party? ♪

♪ just you and me ♪

We saw the lights.

Um, can we wait out the storm
while our dresses dry out?

Grayson said they're stuck at the bar.

Oh, good. We can work on our cheating plan.

Oh. You know, professional gamblers cheat

with a very complicated system of, like, finger tap...
I'm trying to help you!

Sorry. How long was I out?

Look...

Next time I give a clue,
just say an answer.

No matter what you say,
I'm gonna say it's right.

Okay.

That handsome actor that you love.

George DiCaprio.

I'll make it work.

Out of curiosity, when Grayson
called, did he sound sad?

Older guys are the best!

Are you three real?

Oh, snap.

Before you get mad, these
girls may not be real.

Sorry, ladies.

Time to shut her down.

That's all she drank, folks.
See ya on the flip.

Worst one yet.

What? Where did everybody go?

I don't know.

We could go look for 'em,

or we could stay. I mean, staying's good.

If we go, then we're gonna have...
oh, dude.

Dude, I can't go through it again.

I used to be so scared of
thunder when I was a kid.

I can't imagine you scared of anything.

This is actually kind of romantic.

It kinda feels like we're the
last two people on earth.

Awesome.

Do you know that you say
"awesome" when you're nervous?

That's awesome.

Laurie? Is that you?

Why is the couch talking?

L-Laurie?

Wade?

Awesome.

Eee!

Ohh! Split the cheeks!

Hey, you can't go for the extra point
unless the girls close their eyes.

Look, stop playing butt ball, okay?

Come over here and
concentrate on celebrity.

The girls are making an insane comeback.

And... go.

This actress...
uh, Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes.

This actress...
Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes.

This actress... Gw...
not Gwyneth Paltrow,

is in your favorite movie.

E.T.

Yes! We're out of clues!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I thought E.T. was a dude.

He was both.

Watch the deleted scenes.
It's very disturbing.

He tries to have sex with himself.

Baby, are you okay?

No, I am sad all the time, and
people look at me like I'm crazy

when I take you out to dinner, but
it was okay because I thought that

we were... heading somewhere, but...

We're not, are we?

God.

Laurie? H-hello?

Uh, excuse me. I heard a woman whimper.

Uh, ma'am, if you... if you're there,
can you, uh, can you, like, pick me up?

Dude, just talk to him.

Tom, it's a hurricane! Go home!

How about this one, okay?
It's got a good message.

It's closing time!

I know you're sad, but
don't drink and drive.

You might kill your dad.

Wha-bam!

Too depressing?

Too everything.

It's not as easy as you think.

Time to go.

Drink lots of water, take some aspirin,
and we'll do it again tomorrow.

You're a natural, boo.

That's mine. You can't have it.

You remember the last time you
and I were stuck in a hurricane?

Oh, yeah. When we were having sex,
we knocked over so many candles.

Oh. Grayson.

What? No. You guys are obviously
having fun reminiscing.

I wasn't talking about the naughty part.

You know, Trav was so scared of the storm
that you let him sleep in our bed.

Oh. Then we all got wrapped
up in that down comforter...

And he turned the whole thing
into one giant urine burrito.

Well, he was only 5.

Maybe 10.

Look, I know I promised to take
care of this Laurie thing,

but I just ended up pushing
him right toward her.

I just couldn't help it.

The second I mentioned Laurie's
name, he just smiled this smile,

and then I wanted him to
have whatever he wanted.

Bobby Cobb, when you are being
earnest, you are one sexy man.

Pretzels for my sweetheart.

Well, that's just bad timing.

Laurie talks about you a lot, Trav.

You know, it's good to
know she's not alone.

I'm sure she'd be happier if you were here.

No question.

Maybe a little question.

All right. Well, how do I fix this?

Well, it would be easier if you were here.

You could hold her hand or...
with those arms,

break a papa bench in half to impress her.

That's it.

I need you to be my body.

Come again?

Laurie, can we come in?

Who's "we"?

Oh, my God.

Baby, please dance with me.

All right. The last round.

Jules and Ellie only need one more to win.

Let's end this.

This way, your granddaughter's first
words won't be... "What, what?"

But does that guy even exist?

I think he does.

He still smiles the same way he
did when he was a little kid.

You win. We cheated.

I knew David Barstool wasn't an actor!

You were just looking at
things around the room.

Yeah. Although I think that
there is a Jim Lampley.

Nope.

You sure you're okay with this?

No, but I-I want what Travis wants.

Hell, we all love Laurie, right?

Yeah.

Ellie... just fake it.

She's an angel.

Aw. Snap.

Is this the only way we're
ever gonna be able to dance?

Trav, put your finger to my lips.

Shh.

Hey, can you lean back so
I can look at her face?

I'm breathing a lot of
my own breath right now.

Starting to regret the
tuna sandwich earlier.

Can you just freestyle dance
or something while we talk?

When I re-enlisted, I-I
didn't mean to hurt you,

you know, but these people out here...
they're my family.

All I can do is ask you to wait,

but if you can't, I understand.

Grab my tush.

Trav, grab her booty.

Nah, I'm good.

Come on, man. Get in there. Just a handful.

Oh, Wade.

Okay, you know what? I can't do it.

Uh, baby? Trav fell. Is... is he okay?

Uh, yeah. No, he's fine.

I'll be right back.

What do you think?

Do you think I should give him another
chance, or should I just move on?

Hi. The storm's let up.

What's... what's... what's wrong?

Everybody just got back, so I'm
gonna take you upstairs, all right?

I want to talk to you all night.

She asked me what she should do,
and I know she'll regret it

if she doesn't see it through with Wade.

She finally found someone who cares
about her happiness more than his own.

Ohh. That was a crazy storm, huh?

You know, the reason that
Florida has so many hurricanes

is that when the barometric pressure is...

you guys are doing a bit?
Awesome. I'm coming in.

Look, if you want a good closing line,
you're gonna have to face the fact

that you're not Mr. Catchphrase anymore.

Stop living in the past and
embrace who you are today...

a tired, old bartender with a bad back

who doesn't want to admit
that he's always freezing.

I used to be so warm.

I know. Use that... And tell these
young punks how you really feel.

Please get out of my bar.

I just want to go home and
wrap up in my cozy blanket

and drink that tea with the
sleepy bear on the box.

I know you hate me now, but
you'll thank me later,

because if you don't stop drinking,

tomorrow you're going to
wake up next to that person

that you're talking to right now,

and you'll wish you knew how
to get them out of your house,

but they're gonna make
you take them to brunch.

Good night. Don't drink and drive.

You might kill your dad.

Perfect.