Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - Southern Accents - full transcript

Did Holly pick up Jill yet?

Yeah. This is my baby.

Why do you always freak out
whenever Holly comes over?

She's not that bad.

Am I allowed to say that

about a woman I accidentally
had a baby with?

I wouldn't. She always wants to hang

and connect with me over tequila shots.

Just say no.

I can't say no to tequila.

That's why Travis exists.



No way. Jill, too.

What an adorable coincidence.

Look on the bright side.

She drives you crazy, which I enjoy.

She's here. Come here.

If she pushes past us with
her super bimbo strength,

we say we can't hang tonight...

Because we all have some very
important thing to go to.

Got it.

Hey, you guys. Whoops. Whoa.

Damn it. She backdoored us.

Jules, I have so much I
gotta talk to you about.

I'm sorry.
We can't hang because we all have

a very important thing
we have to go to, so...



That thing got canceled.

I do have a different thing
that only I have to go to.

You know what? I'll drive you.
Have fun, mom.

Should we connect?

Yeah.

Ohh.

Are you happy?

I had to listen to Holly
yap for over an hour.

She's way too young to
have that many stories

about losing teeth. Sorry.

That's the least convincing "sorry" ever.
I'll work on it.

So Jules and I decided we want
to get married on the beach.

You're gonna have to go to city hall

and get a permit for that.

Ooh. That sounds like quite an imbroglio.

She bought herself a little
word-of-the-day calendar.

Ah. Gotcha.

Why would you bust me on that?

They would have just thought

I had gotten all smart and stuff.

Sorry.

Oh, no. That was better.

Right? I'm getting it.

Getting a permit is easy.

I got one to put that new speed bump

in the cul-de-sac.

Uhh! Ohh!

That speed bump is gonna protect
our kids, especially Stan.

He's obsessed with that manhole
in the middle of the street.

I don't know what he thinks is down there,

but he leaves food for it.

Well, it's the manhole monster.

It eats little boys that don't listen.

Solid parenting, as always.

Thanks.

Roger!

Roger. How are you?

Oh, same as always.

Actually, I was married a few months ago,

so slightly worse.

Oh, God.

Next. Excuse me.

I want to get a permit for a beach wedding.

We don't allow weddings on the beach.

But I see parties on the
beach all the time.

We allow parties.

Okay, then I want a permit for a party.

Will there be a priest at your party?

Depends on how crazy it gets.

No permit.

If you have a problem, talk to the mayor.

This podunk town has a mayor? Who?

Me.

Stop it.

No, really. It's me.

I love this cake shop/real estate office.

You give me day-old
black-and-white cookies,

and Jules lets me take
coffee from her side.

Mm. The coffee's free?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
You'll have to buy a condo.

Ah.

Whoo, man, that camera cake looks real.

I'll bet you wish you had that sucker

hanging around your neck.

Why, because I'm asian?

No! Yeah.

The long "no" means "stop talking."

Just another good old boy

throwing racist stereotypes around.

Racist? Am I that bad?

No, sweetie.

Oh, my God.
Look at your black-and-white cookie.

You've only eaten the white part.

I'm a monster.

Good! Leave! I don't even care!

Hey.

Eh.

Uh, everything okay?

Stupid Internet date.

I thought having a baby was gonna be, like,

a nonstop party... you know?

Wrong. Turns out they're
a total crotch-block.

That guy is a tool.

He should have put "hates
babies" on his profile.

Oh, he did. I just ignored it.

Hey, we were gonna go get some ice cream.

Do you want to come?

Can babies have ice cream?

Oh, yeah. That's, like,
pretty much all she eats.

There's got to be something you can do.

Mean, I have been dreaming
of having a beach wedding

since... well, yesterday.

I know where this is going.

You think it would be safe for us to have

a quick but passionate fling.

I'm flattered...

But it's not gonna happen.

I'll try to keep it in my pants.

That's a good girl.

So who did you marry anyway?

Ah.

Well, hello, Jules. Hi.

Aw. What an adorable engagement ring.

It's like my ring had a baby.

Wow. Barb, you're married. Mm.

I'm so, um...

Um, something for you.

Oh, you would have loved our wedding.

We had the most spectacular ceremony

on the beach.

It was more like a party.

Yeah.

You know how I'm always
talking about politics?

Not once. Not ever.

This town needs a new mayor,

and not one that's in bed
with "big business."

That's what Barb calls her private parts.

You know who'd be great?

John Mayer.

"Mayor Mayer"... it sounds really funny.

Plus he could totally shake things up...

In my pants.

I think it should be you, Andy.

Me? You love getting involved.

You petitioned against the new mall.

You put in that new speed bump we all hate.

Plus you would look so great kissing a baby

'cause you kinda look like a baby,

and everyone knows there's nothing cuter

than a baby kissing a baby.

Truth.

I actually think I would be a great mayor.

I love helping people, and at parades,

you get to wear a top hat
like the monopoly guy.

Stan, you better not be taking
that to the manhole monster.

But he's my best friend.

Your kid is weird.

Why would you tell Andy to run for mayor?

'Cause I want my beach wedding.

Plus as a human being, he's...
super-lative.

Are you trying to say "superlative"?

How can I not remember
words from two days ago?

I mean, this thing doesn't work.

Do you realize what you've done?

Well, if you're gonna yell at me,

you're gonna have to do it in the car.

I gotta take back Travis' phone.

I stole it to change my caller I.D. photo.

See?

New photo... cute smile.

Old photo... sneeze face.

I can't be married to
someone in public office.

Jules, I'd have to interact with people.

You know I hate the people!

That's what you get for telling
Holly our thing was canceled.

You know what I hope?
That the karma gods get you.

Karma gods. Ooh. Scary.

No.

Thank you.

Holly, get out.

Mom. No, it's okay, Trav.

Thanks for the ice cream...

And the tongue party.

Okay, I want to start by saying
I understand why you're upset...

not ready to talk. Okay.

I love the tension in this room.

I just want to bake it

into a big, puffy thing and eat it all up.

Seriously?

I'm helping.

So is Holly going to seduce
every man in my life?

Okay, first of all, Holly didn't seduce me.

We just-t- you know what?
Tell me everything.

Did she pull your hair?

Ohh. Um, is she a biter?

Ohh. What do her lips taste like?

Cinnamon. Oh.

Well, I'm done with cinnamon.
There goes french toast.

Are you proud of yourself?

Holly really isn't that bad.

If you j...

Sorry. I forgot something.

You are too quiet.

She's a great mom. I'll give you that.

Hey.

Hey. I just wanted to make sure

you're coming by Krazy Kakes today.

I just invented this new line
of talking threat cakes.

Okay. Say a chick steals your boyfriend.

You send her a cake,

but then when she opens
up the lid, it yells...

"I'm coming for you, bitch!"

That's cute, right?

I don't really like it
when my food talks to me.

That's why I don't eat monkeys.

Oh.

Plus after that racial incident,

I can't show my face back there.

So you accidentally said the wrong thing.

One time, I asked this blind lady

when her baby was due.

Turns out, she wasn't pregnant...

And she wasn't even a lady,

but he really was blind, which was good,

because when he went to go
throw his coffee at me,

he totally missed, and he
hit a real pregnant lady,

and I was like, "Dude, you're such a jerk!

You just hit a real pregnant lady!"

And then it turns out

she wasn't pregnant either, so...

There's a lot of fatties in this town.

I know, right?

Well...

I am craving one of your cupcakes.

They are so addictive.

You wanna know a company secret?

Mm-hmm. A slip a little
nicotine into the frosting.

Andy, I know you're just around the corner

building the confidence to come ask me

if you can be the mayor.

Point "A"... it's something
I'd be really good at.

"B"... I want to turn "Gulfhaven"
into "Gulf Heaven."

Huh? Possible campaign slogan?

Look, whatever you decide, I won't be mad,

but will you please just do me a favor

and really think about it... for me?

Okay, sweetie. For you.

Thanks a lot. Now I have to pretend

to think about this dumb
mayor thing all day.

I got my own crap to deal with.

Do you know that if Travis
and Holly had a kid,

my granddaughter and my stepdaughter

would be sisters?

That puts me in the hillbilly hall of fame,

right next to my cousin Chestnut,

who was murdered by his own pigs.

The pigs might have killed
him, but he wasn't murdered.

"Murder" implies forethought.

They murdered him. There might be a trial.

Where? Okay.

This seems like a good stopping point.

Why are you two even upset, hmm?

I mean, Ellie, I assume you're just going

to wait a little while, then crush

your husband's spirits, like usual.

Correct. And, Jules, even though

I'd love to know why there's no
more cinnamon in the house...

Because I don't want my
oatmeal to taste like

a whore's mouth.

Pfft! Fair enough.

You made it very clear to Travis...

That you don't want him
seeing Holly, so it's over.

Hey, mom.

I think I'm falling for Holly.

How delish.

No, no, no. Ellie, you go. Grayson, stay.

Ohh. Oh, man.

Oh, man.

No, it's okay. I called him.

Hi, Mr. Koh. Your cake is ready,

and... Bobby here actually paid for it.

I did? You did because you felt

so bad for offending him.

Yep. What she says. I'm sorry.

I accept your apology.

Forgiven! See?

Bobby, you faced it, and it's over.

It's not. I mean, I didn't say anything,

but my mind kept thinking
bad things, like...

That dude over there...

I'm wondering if he can dunk.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Bobby?

Can you dunk?

I can.

Oh, yeah! That's so awesome!

Andy... look, I've thought about

this mayor thing all day, and I-I'm sorry.

It's just not something I
feel comfortable with.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I said I wouldn't be mad.

Thanks, boo.

Are you speeding up?

Ooh. I forgot that speed bump was there.

Really?

There's just something
so innocent about Holly.

I just want to...

Protect her.

Plus Jill could really use a father.

She has a father. I meant a good one.

It's like my life is
flashing before my eyes.

I should have drank more wine.

Luckily my place has room for a crib.

Bed's tiny, but, uh, Holly likes

to sleep right on top of you,
staring into your eyes.

Don't worry, mom.

She says she's on the pill...

Yeah!

And I'm totally messing with you.

Why?

Because you treat Holly like crap.
We all do.

She didn't seduce me.

I just saw a hot, vulnerable girl,

and I took advantage of her.

I thought you were better than that.

No.

Players gotta play.

That was a habit.

I'm gonna take that high five back.

Ghjghjgj

I know you don't want to deal with Holly,

but you can't box her out of your life.

Hmm.

That's for bringing this
girl into our life.

It's okay. I'm still gonna wear it.

Besides, Trav has a point.

You really want to go there?

Uh-oh. He's always backed down

when it comes to defending his baby mama,

but now he just might take a stand.

High five reinstated.

Yeah. You won't even give Holly a chance,

and that is not like you.

If you need us... team Holly...
we'll be at my place.

I don't care. Leave.

You're both being totally... magnanimous!

Not a bad thing. It means we're awesome.

Stupid calendar!

You know when you're kissing Holly

and she pushes her gum into your mouth

and sucks it back right under hers?

Why is that so hot?

Probably her big boobs.

Probably.

In case you two are wondering,

this is my personal nightmare.

Here you go, little guy.

Great.

As mayor, I dub this pothole filled.

Thank you. Thank you.

Of course you may have my
autograph, Ms. Latifah.

Here. "His honor... "

Queen Latifah comes to visit?

No, she's my trusted advisor.
She helps me keep it real.

I'm really sorry about
all of this mayor stuff.

It's stupid.

I'll clean this up.

Well, that's much worse.

I'll get a towel.

I've put together a panel
of our minority friends

to get you through this.

Today we're gonna fix racism,

hopefully, before our burgers come.

I can't stay long.

I have an engineering paper due tomorrow.

Way to fight the stereotype there, dude.

And everyone say hi to Wade,
my Twitter boyfriend,

coming to us live from... Afghanistan.

Hey, girl.

Why aren't you naked?

Oh. Um...

So we kind of have Skype sex all the time.

I've actually sat on that screen.

It's really strong.

Sorry.

Instead, I need you to help convince

a total stranger that he's not prejudiced.

Yeah, that's fantastic.

Why is Andy on the minority council?

I'm Latino.

Oh, I'm sorry. No.

It's just always funny when you say it.

Well, you shouldn't be laughing
at other people's heritage.

I mean, listen to me.

It's like the pot calling the kettle bla...

african-american.

Seriously?

I get that you two feel guilty.

You should. You both think with your...
danglies.

Yep. Guilty.

Oh. Feel free to just let yourself in

and drink my wine.

It's my second bottle.

How are you still speaking clearly?

It's only white.

Look, Holly just wants to be your friend.

She's the mother of your child.

You should bond with her.

You know what I learned from
my friendship with Ellie?

There's no such thing as too mean.

Never let your friends know
for sure if you like them?

Always hold a grudge? Really?

Sorry. I wanted to do one, too.

Sometimes it's okay

to occasionally put yourself first.

I mean, I-it's like that
thing with Andy being mayor.

She knows it would make her miserable,

so she said no.

I mean, sometimes it's okay to be selfish,

right, Ellie?

It's not.

Seriously? Now's the time
you decide to be human?

Come on. I want to show you something.

Look, you have this crazy blind spot

for all our faults,

like, uh, you know, Grayson's vanity

and dad's childishness.

Your greasy hair.

I said "blind spot."
Means you don't see it.

I just wish you could stop
seeing Holly for her faults

and see her for what she really is...

a young mom...

Who feels like she's in way over her head.

I mean, that was you once.

That was really hard.

Yeah, well, now you know.

And you are really smug.

I'm not blind to that either.

Don't hate.

And every time I open my mouth,

I'm afraid I'm just gonna offend someone.

You know, sometimes I think
it would just be easier

if we all separated into
our own groups, you know,

like, blacks with blacks,
whites with whites.

They tried that in South Africa.

Yeah, and thank God Bono fixed it.

All right.
Let's just say we're picking teams

to play basketball.

Now, Wade, would you be
offended if I picked you first,

even though all I know about
you is that you're black?

Hell, yeah, man. That's messed up.

So I shouldn't pick you.

Of course you should, man. I can dunk.

I knew it!

And as a Latino...

Really? Now we're all laughing?

Why is it okay to laugh at him?

I mean, this is all such...
such a moving target, man.

I can't handle it.

Look, buddy, the fact that
you're agonizing so much

over this means you're a
better man than most.

Oh, thanks, man.

Oh, my God.

My race panel worked.

If there is one thing that we've learned

from Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds"

or Sandy Bullock in "The Blind Side"

or Hilary Swank in that
movie no one ever saw,

it's that all you need
to fix minority problems

is a really pretty white woman.

So you want to be mayor?

Go for it.

This is so awesome!

You know why you're great?

Yes, but tell me anyway.

You try to hide it,

but you really do care
about what makes me happy.

Okay.

Here's what I want as first lady.

"I get to park wherever I want.

"Our town should be less dog-friendly.

"No car alarms. No rollerbladers.

"No street performers.

No more wooden lawn birds that do this."

"No carnivals.

"No 5ks. No 10ks. No k's.

Hair salons with names that are puns."

The hairport. We get it.
It's near the airport.

"No public coughing. No circumcisions.

"No pierced ears on babies.

"No adults who skateboard.

"No tank tops. No tube tops.

No short shorts, and no stupid people."

Then my pen ran out.

Uh, yeah, and don't forget,

you want me to let Jules have
her wedding on the beach.

Oh, I don't care about that.

Jules?

I let Grayson take Tampa for ice cream,

and I said I'd meet him here after,

so I'll just wait out
here till they get back.

It's okay, Holly. Come in.

Push.

Whoa. Thanks. Weird door.

Not really.

So how about some tequila and girl talk?

No.

You know, if you're gonna
be a part of this family,

you're gonna have to learn to love wine.

Family?

Oh, my God.

I totally feel like hugging you right now.

All right. Bring it.

Mm.

You hug just like your son.

All right. Don't ruin it.

Mmm. This tastes like spicy, red vodka.

Oh, you are gonna love this stuff.

Oh, my God.

Now let's pop a little wine

and talk about the supposed pig trial, hmm?

I got 9,000 questions.
Do they use handcuffs?

They use rope. Jury of their peers?

Maybe. Lawyers?

Humans. Bailiffs?

Horses. How do they get the
pig on the witness stand?

Pig ramp. Do they understand
what people are saying?

They have interpreters.

Is the jury ever fed ham?

Not if they're kosher.

What's the maximum sentence?

Bacon.

Is there a pig traffic court?

Well, I've heard of it. I've never seen it.

How do they get the pig
to stop squealing? Gavel.

What if a pig calls a cop a "pig"?

That's funny. That's funny. People laugh.

Do the pigs wear prison jumpsuits?

No, bow ties, and it's really adorable.