Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 1 - Ain't Love Strange - full transcript

So, Trav asked me if I thought
it was a problem

that all we do on the week-end
is sit around and drink wine.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wait.

Are we only drinking
on the weekends now?

Because we need to vote on that.
Guys?

(All) No!

Wow. Democracy works.

But still,
maybe we shouldn't just sit

with our wine glasses
in our hands, doing nothing.

You know? So...

I got us these. Now our hands
are free to do stuff.



But I-I liked holding my glass.

I feel like an animal.

Get it off! Hate it!

- Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Guys, wait. Fine.

What if we think
of these necklaces

as our "on deck circle"?

- Hmm? - That way, we don't
have to get up so much.

I don't like getting up.

Cheers, everyone.

(Glasses clink)

♪

(Indistinct conversations)

Wow. That's some pretty serious
PDA for you.

What can I say?
You bring it out in me.



Let me ask you something.

When-- when we first met,
did you, um,

did you see us falling in love?

(Chuckles) No.

Yes.

All I wanna do is
make you happy.

Really? Maybe tonight, you'll--

- It's not about sex, babe.
- Oh.

But I want you to try
to keep listening.

I'll try my best.

Promise me that we'll always
surprise each other.

(Skateboard wheels rattling)

All I really want

is a life...

Full of surprises.

You know what'd be
a huge surprise?

Is if you didn't mess
with these kids right now.

(Chuckles) Right?
Hey, fellas.

I'm trying to talk
to my man here.

So could you take that "thrashi"
down to the park?

Pfft.

Pfft!
(Boy) Whatever, lady.

Hey, none of you are
gonna have girlfriends

unless you cut your hair
and take a shower!

That's not true.
When I was younger,

I was crazy about dirty
long-hairs. Now where were we?

Surprises.

Right. Love 'em. Want 'em.
Lock it down.

(Sighs)

Okay, without Laurie
or Bobby here,

it's just not as cramped
or stupid or noisy.

I'll just say it-- I think
this should be the gang.

Too mean, babe.

I know.

(Whispers)
I think this should be the gang.

I heard that!

(Normal voice) Good.

(Loud clomping)

Nothing on two legs
should walk that loud.

It's just hard to walk
with a stupid ankle monitor.

Seriously, Jules,

this is why you shouldn't have
hassled those skateboarders.

Last month, I was in real need

of a spiritual,
soul-cleansing journey,

but of course, I didn't have
enough cash to fly to India.

So I just drove north.
It was total "eat, pray, Tampa."

Anyway,

I let this cute-ish bartender
trade me free drinks...

(Clenched teeth)
For a little action upstairs...

(Normal voice)
And his ex-wife showed up.

I should've minded
my own business, but did I?

Don't care.

Next thing you know,
she is kicking me,

but I have got...

This very heel in my hand,

and I am popping her eardrum.

Wa-poom! Wa-poom!

You don't want to go down
that road, honey.

Not a huge worry for me.

I knew you would mess
with those skate rats.

Mm-hmm.
(Refrigerator door closes)

You are very predictable.

In what way?

In... every way?

(Laughing) (Laughing)

That's not funny.

Honey, we just know
how you're going to react

- in most situations.
- Every situation.

In every situation.

I am not predictable.

(All) I'm not.
I'm not. Ugh.

(All) I'm not. Ooh!

So you're only
gonna be mad at me?

- I am.
(Both) - Yay!

Ellie! Stan punched Rosa!

(Electronic
beeping and whirring)

Stanley Torres, you are
gonna clean up all of these toys

and then go write Rosa
an apology note.

Doubt it.
(Beeps)

Okay, let's go take a nap,
champ.

No! No! No! No!

Oh! Sharp teeth there, pal!
(Grunts) (Mouths words)

No!
(Grunts)

That kid. (Chuckles)

Feisty little fella, isn't he?

No.

That black eye
you had last week--

That was from playing tennis?

Sure. Sure.
(Imitates explosion)

What happened to the couch?

Just say it!

He is a devil baby.

I don't know what happened.

He likes to sneak out
of our house with a hammer

and smash the neighbor's
landscaping lights.

Make me feel better.
You always know what to say.

Sweetie,
this should be the gang.

It totally should.

Hey, buddy boy!

Dad.

(Door closes) To what do I owe

the unannounced,
didn't-call-ahead pleasure?

I just came by to check out
the new college digs.

It's a 2-bedroom house,

but, uh, the rent is super cheap
because nine guys live here.

I don't even really know
most of their names.

I think there's a Steve.

Yo, Steve!

(Man) - What?!
(Man) - 'Sup, bro?!

- Huh, two Steves.
- What's that?

That is
our homemade green screen.

Nice.

You're okay being a nerd,
right?

Oh, yeah. Love it.

Hey, I also came by 'cause
I want to do you a favor.

Now every college house
needs a pet.

Oh. Uh, dad...

I mean, you have a big yard.
There's plenty of people around.

I mean, he's gonna love it.
And, brother,

there's no better panty dropper
than a giant, cuddly horse dog.

Yeah, we use the green screen
to bring in the chicas.

Yeah, I don't see the ladies

getting all weak-kneed
over a green wall.

(Western music playing)
(Clicks tongue)

Whoa, seabiscuit!

(Grunts)

Partner, I stand corrected.

(Gunfire)

(Makes whooshing sound) (Barks)

(Horse whinnies, gunshot)

Man!
(Barks)

(Guitar strumming) (Grayson) ♪
"I'm not predictable," you say ♪

♪ perhaps it's true ♪

♪ but when you wake ♪

♪ here's what you'll do ♪

♪ brush your teeth,
wash your face ♪

♪ check your nose,
just in case ♪

♪ eat your breakfast,
bacon and eggers ♪

♪ take your pill so you don't ♪

(Falsetto voice)
♪ get preggers ♪

(Normal voice) ♪ find your
mouth guard, check your mail ♪

♪ workout time,
if it's late, you bail ♪

♪ where's your mouth guard?
You threw it away ♪

♪ it's all the same...
(Falsetto voice) Every day ♪

(Normal voice) ♪ but we
don't mind, we're glad to wait ♪

♪ 'cause we all know
that right at 8:00 ♪

♪ you'll come downstairs,
then on our knees ♪

♪ all together ♪

(All) Coffee, please.

♪ It's Jules' slightly longer
morning routine song ♪

Yeah!

No singing.
I'm just too cranky.

(Door opens) (Laurie) Jules!

They sharked our car!

Jelly bean, use your words.

Sharked it! Come!

Look, you guys!

(Stammers)

My car got sharked!

Told you!

I bet it was those skate rats.

This is so on!

Three waters.

(Under breath) Jerks.

We need to make sure it's them.

Ah-choo!

Whoo!

Oh.

(Sniffles) Oh, sorry.

I used to get really embarrassed
when I would sneeze in public.

Now I just put a happy noise
with it, you know, to own it.

Got the idea
from my new shrink.

Oh, honey.

Yeah, he's probably
gonna have to go.

Yeah.

(Sneezes) Oh.

- Whoo.
- No.

Jules,
if you get married again,

how do you want
to be proposed to?

Tom, I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Okay. I want it to look
something like it was

out of a fairy tale, and I want
everyone I love to be there.

And I wanna do all the talking,
because when it comes to love,

I'm a street-rappin' poet, yo.
(Chuckles)

Wait. Why are you asking me?

Does he wanna know?

Huh? No.

We should hang out more
together, just the two of us.

Raise your hand if you
just built a hot tub.

I'm gonna have to throw
my "too creepy" flag.

- I knew it when I said it.
- Ugh.

You know, I used to think
that Tom was secretly gay.

That's because you think all
single men over the age of 35

are secretly gay.

When we met,
I was over 35 and single.

Did you think...
(Clenches teeth) I was gay?

(Chuckles)

Hello.

Jules, they're getting up.

Check for guilt in their eyes.

I think I saw guilt.
Did you?

I don't know. I just got
mesmerized by their greasy hair.

I love it.

- Right? Oh, I wish I was in high school.
(Whispers) - Me, too.

This should be the gang.

What?

- Nothing.
- Aw.

Poor old Andy and Ellie--
Mostly Ellie--

Afraid of your own son. Oh!

(Laughs) Shh.

(Whispers) We're--
We're not afraid of Stan.

(Whispers) No.

Then why are you whispering?

- It's sexy.
- It's sexy.

Aw! Look at this cute picture
that Stan made.

What is that?

- That's a sunflower.
- A little bunny rabbit.

It's a what?

It's a rabbit-- Sun--
Rabbit flower.

Really? It looks like
a flesh-eating demon.

- I told you.
- Stop it!

Well, if you guys
aren't scared of him,

then you won't mind if I just--
If I take this off.

- No.
- No. Take it.

(Normal voice) - It just needs new tape.
(Normal voice) - Just a little tape.

The tape-- Sometimes it loses
its stickiness. - We love you.

It loses its stickiness, Stan!

Someone is gonna get hit
with a hammer.

I got skater boy's address.

Get ready
for operation "revengeance."

- Not a word.
- Oh, stop being so "precisional."

(Hisses)

We are going to do something

that gorgeous skater boy
will never expect.

We are going to TP his house.

- All right!
- Whoop! Whoop!

I called you predictable,

but just when I thought
you were gonna zig, you zig.

You did not see this coming.

Really? Why do you think
everyone here wore black?

Everyone, raise your hands.

(Makes whooshing sound)

All right, everybody out.

So you looked in the mirror
and thought that looked good?

Yeah. (Gasps)
(Clatter)

Stan?

Hey, check it out.

I'm gonna keep talking
while he drinks water.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba, ba. (Laughs)

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.
(Laughs)

This is Sig,
one of my roommates.

Hey, Sig.

That's a pre-shot
computer image. I'm over here.

(Ball clatters)
It's all very confusing.

Dad, I'm sorry, but I just--
I don't need the dog.

I wish you would've
said that right off,

'cause, Trav,
the thing about dog Trav

is that he decides
where he lives on his own.

And once he's found a nice spot
and eating a shoe,

he's home.

Sorry, buddy.
Nothin' I can do.

Oh, no, no, no.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold on.

Come here. Come here, boy.

(Door squeaks)
Come on. Come on, boy.

Oh, my God!
What are you made of, cement?

(Imitates Southern accent)
And then she was like,

"stay away from my man!"
Poom! Poom! Poom!

You know,

he is a handful,
but he's got spirit.

The spirit of the devil.

I am not gonna say another
disparaging thing about Stan.

I love him too much.

- I do, too.
- I know.

I just worry about the future,

like, how's he gonna turn out?
Who is he gonna be like?

Hey, Ellie.
Look, I made him

a matching ankle bracelet
out of electrical tape.

(Singsongy) Separated at birth!

What, what?

What, what?

What, what? (Laughs)

Oh, please, no.

You know, you'd be less mad

just by getting naked,
right here.

No, no, no, no, no.
Not the mouth guard.

Oh, yes.
Once the mouth guard is in,

this store is closed.

One day, I will sleep with you

after you've put that vile thing
in your mouth.

It's my Everest.

- Now come here.
- Unh-unh. Stay back.

- Just come--
- I mean it.

- A little bit.
- Oh, it's going in.

Look, why do you care so much
if I think you're predictable?

Because, you dummy,

it's like...

It's like...

You're saying that I'm...
Boring.

But I like boring. That's not
the right thing to say.

And know she grabs her robe
and sleeps down the hall.

You think you know me so well,
don't you?

I do.

(Mouth full) Then turn off
the lights, handsome.

Oh, my God.
It's really happening.

Oh, yeah.
(Laughs)

- Here I come, baby.
- Oh. Please don't make me kiss.

Mmm.

(Groaning)

(Whimpers)

(Grunts)

(Whispers) Tom!

Dad?

- No.
- Oh.

You want to do stuff,
just the two of us?

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

Come on. Get up.

You sleep nude!

I'll see you downstairs.

If nerd's the new cool,
why are they all asleep at 9:15?

Who cares?
This is beautiful.

Hey, why all the, uh, games with
getting dog Travis over here?

Why not just ask Travis
to take him?

I guess I can't ask Trav 'cause
I'm scared he's gonna say no.

And I'll think it's because
I've been such a crap father

for so long that he feels
he doesn't owe me anything.

He's not the one keeping
stupid thoughts like that alive.

You are.

Yeah, maybe.

Is it weird
that we're doing this

and we can't see ourselves
on the monitor?

Yes.

- Oh! Oh! Don't let go!
- Oh!

- Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh!
- Come back. Come back. Come back.

(Sighs)

I got Stan into his crib.

He's gonna be just like you,
isn't he?

Fingers crossed.

Have your moment.
Tell me what to expect.

Okay. Um...

Well...

If Stan does go down...
My path,

in the near future, there'll be
more... screaming, crying,

anger, breaking stuff,
getting kicked out of preschool,

getting kicked out
of kindergarten,

getting kicked out everywhere,
crashing cars, getting arrested,

piercings, drinking, and sex.

(Inhales deeply)

When he's 13--

Enough. Is this karma?

I mean, I'll admit,
I'm not always the most...

Lovely person...

(Laughing)

Are you laughing?

Yes.

For shame!

Relax.

You know the main difference
between me and Stan?

I had...

Five different
crappy stepfathers.

Stan's got two amazing parents.

What? Whatever. He does.

(Scoffs)

Look, I think that

if you guys just stay
in the game,

he's gonna be fine.

Thanks.

Of course, some devil babies
are just devil babies.

Sorry.

Had to say it.

I get that.

Jules?

Whatcha doin'?

You can't come.
Uh, it's just the two of us.

- Pfft!
- Get in.

- Yay!
- You just lost shotgun.

Damn it!

(Laughs)

Revengeance is mine!

Just get that hedge over there.

I'll get it.

Tom sleeps nude.

Ugh. Why would
you tell me that?

Well, I want it to be
in someone else's head.

- How fun is this?!
- So fun!

(Siren whoops)

(Gasps) - It's the fuzz!
- No.

- Scatter!
- Bye!

(Laughs)

(Jules speaks indistinctly)

I want to come clean.

Dog Travis
isn't a chick magnet.

Dad, for me, college will
never be about girls anyway.

So...
(Cans clatter)

Ohh.

Well, you're my son,
and I love you, no matter what.

Wasn't coming out to you.

Just meant
that I'm here to learn.

Not gay.

Well, if you were,
I might cry for a minute.

Not because I'd be upset
about it, just because I know

how hard it would be for you
to admit it to me...

And yourself.

It's a little weird how much
thought you've put into it.

Sorry. Your mom thinks everyone
secretly swings that way.

You know how susceptible
my brain is

to other people's thoughts.

I do. But it's late.

You're probably
getting really tired.

(Yawns) You're right. I am.

Anyway, I need to ask you
a question

that I probably should've
asked you yesterday.

(Yawns)

Wait. Both of you
wet your hair first.

(Yawns) Just go with it.

I know this is a lot to ask,

but would you please take
dog Travis?

Of course, dad.

Really?

I mean, come on.

After all you've done for me?

Oh, come here. I love you.

I'd pay $12 to see that.
(Giggles)

Right?

Yeah. Ooh!
We gotta go pick up Ellie!

(Whispering) What do you think
your therapist

is gonna think about this?

(Whispering) Who knows?
It's only been a couple months.

I'm still not
comfortable enough

to stop lying to him
about everything.

He thinks I'm 35.

No, he doesn't.

(Dog barking in distance)
I'm not sure,

but I think there's a chance
that me getting caught here

with my ankle monitor could be
considered a third strike.

So I'm gonna bolt.

No. No. Don't leave me.
Prison's great!

You can get
those neat teardrop tattoos.

I-I'll create
a diversion for you.

Taser!
(Gasps)

(Electricity crackles)

- Aah!
- God.

(Man) Anybody else out there?

(Sneezes)

Whoo!

Uh, all right, look, officer,

um, it's a funny story.

(Click)

Really? I'm all ears.

What?

(Ed Sheehan) ♪ one of a kind ♪

- Hey, Jules.
- Hi there.

(Imitates taser buzzing) Aah!

Taser.

What's going on?

Those kids didn't shark
your car. I did.

And I even had Laurie
give you this fake address.

Well, then whose house is this?

It's empty.
It's actually your listing.

(Click)

♪ And I will fall for you ♪

(Click) Oh, yeah.

The house shows
really well at night.

I knew you'd come here
and do this.

Oh, so that's
what this is about?

Huh? You just wanted me
to look stupid

so you could laugh at me again?

No, Jules.

I mean, didn't you say that you
wanted a life full of surprises?

And look.

Everyone you love's here.

And isn't this all kind of, uh,

isn't this all
kind of like a fairy tale?

♪ With kisses on cheeks ♪

I mean, when I sent Tom
to you in the bar,

isn't that
what you told him you wanted?

♪ We're lifted ♪

♪ over the edge ♪

I thought you wanted to do
all the talking.

♪ I will fall for you ♪

I'm speechless.

Really? You?

I love you so much.

Will you marry me?

Okay, I'm gonna say yes,

so don't get nervous.

I just, um...

I want to think
of a way to say it

so you know how happy
you make me.

That was pretty good.

♪ And if I fall for you ♪

♪ would you fall, too? ♪

♪ I will fall for you ♪

♪ I will fall for you ♪

I'm not boring, am I?

No.

You're a crazy person.

♪ Would you fall, too? ♪

(All cheering)

♪ Would you fall, too? ♪

(Jules) You are good!

(Laurie) I know.

♪ Would you fall, too? ♪

Whoo!

(Ellie) Oh!

Okay. Fan.

Nice. Mountaintop.

(Taps key)

Okay, this is
for our grandkids.

So when you propose to me
this time,

please, try to squeeze out
a tear. Okay.

Action!

(Dramatic voice)
My dearest Jules.

Yes, my love!

Dude, how often is
your mom gonna come over?

Probably more than I'd like.
(Groans)

Damn it.