Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - Keeping Me Alive - full transcript

- Penny Can!
- Whoo!

Do you know why I keep notepads around?
Because I like to make lists.

"Names for Travis if he was a girl."

Oh. Number one: Jules, Junior.
But he'd go by J.J.

- Aw!
- Love that!

"Who's the hottest in our gang?"
The three of us tied for first.

- Why is your name on the top?
- Don't snoop.

I'm starting a new list,
"Most Boring Game."

Number one with a bullet...

Penny Can.

I have an idea on how to make
this dumb game better.



Truth or Penny Can.

If you miss, you have to answer
a personal question. Who's in?

- Oh!
- I'm game.

Get ready to be embarrassed, boys.

Whoo!

- Dang it!
- All right, I got a question.

What is that word you can't pronounce?

There are no words
'cause I'm great at words.

- How do you say R-U-l-N?
- Roin.

What? Shut up, I hate this game.

Why? Would you say we "roined" it?

OK, my turn.

- Aw!
- OK, I got one.

What are those sparkly things?



Oh, it's just the tops
of butterfly wings. I got vajazzled.

Do you guys want to know
what vajazzling is?

- Yes... I don't.
- OK, my turn.

Oh! I get this one.

Bobby, does taking alimony from Jules
feel more like stealing

or feel more like putting your pride
in a burlap sack

and throwing it off a bridge?

Truth or Penny Can just got real, y'all.

- Ellie!
- Don't hate the playa,

hate the game, yo!

- Break-ups just suck.
- Well, we had a good run.

Dad, you don't have to be here.

Let me enjoy the moment.

I just can't remember
if I left my hair dryer here. Ooh...

Huh! Must be my pregnancy brain.

- No!
- It's a joke, Dad. Be nice.

Here's the curb and here's what
he's doing to you.

I wish you nothing but the very best.

Very impressive, sir.

I like the house, but any way we can
make the bathroom less Chinese?

I think the shoji screens
create a nice spatial flow.

Sure, we can make it less Chinese.

Hey, Laurie told me I'd find you here.

Ooh, adding someone
to your "Worst Clients" list?

I can't relate to this dude.
I mean, he's even too redneck for me,

and I've got a cousin named Grits.

Something's scaring up
a bunch of baitfish out there.

It was probably a big ol' snook.
You ever hook into a monster snook?

You're all like... Whoo!

Then you're all... Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Whoo!

- How could I do "whoo" wrong?
- I'll be in touch, Julie.

Let me go close that guy.
He's my people. Put me in, coach.

I don't need your help. What's up?

I had Andy go over my finances
and I'm doing pretty good, J-Bird.

I picked up a few more golf lessons,
you know,

and if I cut some corners
and maybe sell some of Travis' sperm...

Hmm...

- Dog Travis.
- Still weird.

The point is I wanna stop
taking alimony. What do you think?

No more alimony! No more alimony!

She took my fries.

No more alimony!

- And have a fry!
- All right, sweetie!

No more alimony! No more alimony!
And you're home from college!

- I brought laundry.
- And you still need me!

I love this day!

I'm going out trolling
for dudes tonight, but dilemma,

I only have half a can of spray tan
left. Do I go north or south side?

I'd go with zebra stripes.

Slow down. This is the first time
you've had your heart broken.

I'm fine.

You told me you dreamed about
having kids with Smith.

There is no rush for me to have kids.
My family is super fertile.

My aunt got pregnant trying on bikinis.
True story.

- It's not.
- Well, my uncle believed her.

Ultimately that child
saved their marriage, so...

Check it, I got a margarita machine
for Bobby's No Alimony Party tomorrow.

Oh! Margies take me back to a vacation
I took on the island of Mexico.

You mean an island
off the coast of Mexico.

- No. That whole sucker's an island.
- Yeah.

But we drove there.

- Travis.
- Mexico has beaches.

So, even though we live in Florida,

which is a state covered with beaches,

you're all in agreement that because
Mexico has beaches, it's an island?

- Absolutely!
- Of course.

See, Trav, this is why I'm glad
you're home because without you,

I, too, am an island,
surrounded by an ocean of dummies.

On all sides. Which is
what an island is, you dummies.

No need to call names.
Seems a little harsh.

You spend all your free time
throwing pennies in a can.

I bet none of you have read a book
in the last six months.

I just finished a book.

The instruction manual
to the margarita machine doesn't count.

Why not? It was a page-turner.

For a while there,
I didn't know where to put the ice.

Good God.

He's already with someone?
Ah, poor Laurie.

Poor Laurie? I haven't been called that
since grade school.

I used to have to trade kisses
for milk money.

Oh, hell, no. Smith! You are a dead man.

Be cool, it's my bar.

Thank you.

Ooh!

Hmm.

- You guys, he's not moving.
- OK, my car has a huge trunk...

- What?
- Really?

Right to disposing of the body?

- Gotcha, bitches!
- What!

Fake glass!
I told you guys, I was fine!

You know,
the kick was a surprise though.

I was in the moment.

Some of us over-did it at the
Pre-No-More-Alimony-Party party,

so I rimmed these margaritas
with crushed-up aspirin.

They should market this to drunks.
Or us!

Anyway, to Bobby!

Yeah, to me!

Let's get this party bumping!
I hate myself.

Yo! Dad, check it out!

Oh!
Nice, buddy. I'm coming in.

Ooh. Good. I am wearing trunks.

Andy, thanks for taking care
of Bobby's money stuff.

Had to make some real sacrifices.

Laurie, I want you to throw it, I'm
gonna catch it in my mouth, dog-style.

Get ready to fetch! Who's a good boy?

- What kind of sacrifices?
- He dropped his health insurance.

His health insurance?

Got it.

Bobby!

Cougar Town 2x05 - Keeping Me Alive

- There you go, Rog.
- Bobby. OK.

You know how I love doing
disgusting stuff?

I wanted to thank you for letting me
jam your shoulder back in.

I mean, between the popping noise and
Andy throwing up, it was so much fun.

You're very welcome.

Secondly, what are you doing
teaching golf lessons? You're hurt.

You've got to go see a doctor.
If it's about the money, I will pay.

No. I'm done taking money from you.
It's not right. Besides, I'm fine.

Roger, you're opening up your hips.
Here, try this.

Oh...

What's with the scream?

- Helps you focus.
- OK.

I am slammed at work.
I could really use your help.

- You can get on our health insurance.
- This isn't charity?

- You'd be doing me a favor.
- All right.

Starting tomorrow,
consider me your bitch.

Sweetie, I already do.

Ha! You're right! Look at that.

Yeah, I think we're both gonna have the

"You're hooking up with my mom"
hamburger.

- What's on that?
- Who cares? It's free.

Hey.

Yes, of course we can grab
a beer sometime. We're friends.

All right. Later, Smith.

- Giant mistake.
- I can be friends with my ex.

- Right.
- "Hey, let's be friends." "OK."

"Well, you wanna come over
and watch a movie?" "Sure."

"Is that the bra I could never unfasten?
Let me try it just once."

"No." "Yes." "No." "OK, well..."
and, boom, he's hitting that again.

I think what the preppy murderer
is trying to say is that,

you're vulnerable...

And if you're not careful, you'll end up
feeling dumped all over again.

And that's just a special kind of sad.

Sad is when your foster brother loses
an eye in a backyard wrestling match.

- True story.
- Sprinkler head.

- Is that the one they call Cyclops?
- Weirdly, a different brother.

Look, the point is
I'm not like you guys, OK?

In my relationships, I'm the dude.

Ergo, you guys are chicks.

- No!
- I'm very macho.

Is it macho to call yourself macho?

Andy, you are a rhinestone collar away
from actually being Ellie's lap-dog.

- Oh! Burn!
- And Travis,

you're literally wearing
Kylie's varsity field hockey jersey.

- I'm proud of her.
- Oh, Trav.

Bobby's working for you?
What did the want ad say?

"Seeking nasty, flip-flop wearing
redneck, who speaks gibberish"?

I'll just give him a bunch of fake
busy work until he goes to a doctor.

You divorced Bobby
because he cheated on you.

Why do you keep taking care of him?

My name is Jules Cobb, here's my card.

- I don't...
- That's my ATM card, I need it.

Anybody want to go to the movies later?
They're showing a documentary

on the history of locomotion and kinetic
energy. It's the first of a series so...

Oh. I'm sorry, I just nodded off. What?

I'll go. But I have to warn you,

I've been hanging out
with the jellybean gang for so long

that if I'm exposed
to anything intellectual,

my brain might explode
all over your face.

You sure you don't want to come?
You could learn something.

Look, I'm a dead guy in a coffin.

Here's the deal. Jules is a chill boss.

Just tell her she looks pretty when she
shows up, and if you do need a break,

like to watch a movie on your phone,

tell her you have
an urgent personal matter.

- Hi.
- Oh, my God, you look so pretty!

- So pretty!
- Oh, good, you've been briefed.

Will you pull the comp sales
on the Edelman house?

- Got it.
- So, what do I do?

Oh! Let's start by sharpening
these pencils.

- Seriously?
- Bobby, if I'm on a call with a client,

and I have to say, "Could you hold on,
I gotta sharpen my pencil.

Oh... You can't hold?"

Boom! Blown sale.

I have to go attend
to an urgent personal matter.

OK. Movie.

I can handle her sales comp as soon
as I get through with these pencils.

Um... See, Bobby, you're an idea guy,
so why don't you spend some time

brainstorming on new ideas
of how to drum up business.

Maybe a sandwich card, but for homes?

Every third house you buy,
you get a boat for free.

Like that. Except for not that.
Now, I have to go show a house.

Where do you think Laurie is?

Wow. That was like riding
a mechanical bull.

We should break up more often.

Why are we
putting Mom's face on beer?

It's a promotional idea.

- You've hooked me. How does it work?
- Easy.

Hey, stranger, do you want to come in
and look at some houses?

What's a six-letter word for "lady who
played her ex-husband like a fiddle"?

- Jules!
- "Jules" is five letters.

I was counting the exclamation point.

You know, I'm getting tired
of your smarty-pants attitude.

Oh, the word is "condescending,"
she said condescendingly.

All right, that's it. You think
you're smarter than us? Pop quiz.

- Who is Paul Rudolph?
- Well, that's easy. Who cares?

He's only the most
famous architect in Florida.

Something a smart person would know.

Me next.

We are currently at war
with Afghanistan.

- Point to it.
- It's in that... area.

- That's pretty general.
- OK, Andy, knock her out.

What... are... bonds?

They're like money but they're not.

And for the cherry on top,
let's just take a peek at your laptop.

- That's private.
- Give it to me, girl.

- Ow!
- OK.

Hmm... Whoa! Someone has been
blogging about Project Runway.

Heidi Klum's face is too round to have
a bowl cut. She needs to know!

One of us! One of us!

- One of us! One of us!
- Stop it.

You know why I dig hooking up with you?

Because you're definitely
manly enough for me,

but you're also so slight that I can,
like, spin you like a mini pizza.

Thanks, I guess.

Don't you feel like
we should keep doing this?

Yeah, I don't think we should, you know,
start, start acting like a couple again.

Yeah.

And there it is.
Here come the waterworks.

Leave me alone. It's sad.

I was talking about her.
She's going to be a wreck.

It's your loss, Smitty,

because your membership
to this entire area is now revoked.

Hey, Grayson, can we get
two more beers over here, please?

Wasn't expecting that.

- Bobby, what the hell?
- I drummed up new business.

It's the lady from the can!

Whoo!

Hey.

Look at this mess! And what are
my work slippers doing over here?

Uh! And they're warm and moist!
Bobby, what were you thinking?

They were potential customers.

- Most of them are homeless.
- Exactly, they need homes!

I don't sell cardboard boxes.

Why couldn't you have just
been happy doing busy work?

I get it. You just wanted me
to sit there and do nothing.

Look, Jules, I told you,
I don't want your charity.

Come on, if I don't take care of you,
who's going to? You?

- Give me a break.
- Thanks for looking out, J-Bird.

You're a sweetheart.

Oh, God. Bobby.

"Jules Cobb, Drink Me In."

Damn, that's pretty good.

Hey, J.J. That's your girl name.

Of course. You know,
Dad's arm is still pretty messed up.

Is he still mad?

She treats me like
I'm some kind of baby. I'm not a baby.

Travis! Man, not so hard.
You're tearing up my gums.

- I miss college. Spit.
- Ah.

Mom, you decimated him.

A guy with four teeth was drinking
a beer with my face on it.

Travis, he said I went down smooth.

Don't look at me like that. I do not
like it when you act like my parent.

- Now Jules, I think I raised you...
- Stop it.

I will apologize to Dad.
And if he doesn't want our help then,

- we'll just have to live with it.
- Are you kidding?

He texts me every time he has a
two-armed task. Which for some reason

includes eating a sandwich.

He does like big sandwiches.

He's got Andy hooking him up
with a doctor.

It's not that he doesn't want help,
he just doesn't want help from you.

J.J., that is not cool.

- Did you just throw that from there?
- I've been practicing.

And the worst part is, I love it.

Penny Can!

What was I going to do? Hit Smith?
Ugh. He's too skinny.

It'd be like punching
Sarah Jessica Parker.

I wish you... would.

Besides, I enjoyed the dump and bump
as much as he did.

You actually pulled off being friends
with your ex without getting hurt.

It's like all the things I thought were
impossible are suddenly possible.

- Maybe I can wear bowties.
- No.

Oh, no. You can't.
Your neck's like a tree trunk, man.

You know, when my wife left me,
I brave-faced it, too.

Because we both have a pair.
And that's how we roll.

Yeah, I wasn't bragging.
It was the worst time of my life.

You know, the best thing about being
a part of this cul-de-sac crew

is that there's always
someone there for you.

And yes, it hurts my teeth
to lean on someone.

But I wouldn't trade this group
for anything.

We all take care of each other.

Oh... Andy, if you
take Bobby to the doctor,

I'm going to rip off your whistle
and feed it to a bird!

We take so much care of each other.

Dwayne, you can see this house
as many times as you like.

Let's just hope
the tenth time is a charm.

- We'll see.
- OK. Die.

Why'd you tell Andy not to help me?

Because, if I'm not allowed
to help you...

then why should he get to?

You see, I know you
just as well as you know me.

And I've been thinking,
you're always so quick to help me out,

but you never want me to help you.

Not with the clients,
not with work, nothing.

Dwayno, how's it hanging, babe?

Whoo!

Whoo!

Seriously?

Put your hand up.

Backboard.

That's insane!

That's who I am now, Travis.
A penny-throwing dummy.

No-Iook.

One of my mom's lists,
look, "Smartest People I Know,"

you and me, still right on top.

I didn't want to go to that movie
with you. I hate documentaries.

They're too preachy, and you can't clap
when someone dies 'cause it's real.

Yeah, I hate them, too. I just like
everyone to think I love them.

That way I feel above it all

when I begrudgingly do stuff
like this. No-Iook.

I'll replace that. We're brilliant on a
level that they can't even comprehend.

- How?
- Because we have to fake being smart

and superior, even though
we don't feel it in here.

I love pretending that I'm
better than everybody else.

- Who do you think I got it from?
- Oh...

What is this? What's happening?

We just watched Good Will Hunting and
Andy wants to try something. OK, ready?

Robin Williams, big bushy beard,
bad Boston accent, begin.

"Laurie, I don't know a lot.

But this whole thing with you and Smith.
It's not your fault."

- I know.
- "No, look at me, son.

- It's not your fault."
- I know.

"No, no. You don't. Nanoo nanoo.

- It's not your fault."
- Are you guys serious?

Just kidding around.

What did you think was going to happen?
That I'd start laughing

and then all of a sudden I would get so
comfortable I'd be real with you guys?

Maybe talk about how Smith and I used
to watch movies on his big comfy couch

and when I would get all sleepy,
he'd put a pillow on his chest

so that I could put my head there.

I can't believe I'm never
going to do that again.

There, you guys
got what you wanted. Are you happy?

- Yes. No.
- No.

Why? Why won't he love me?

I do not know.

Cul-de-sac crew on three.

- One, two, three...
- Cul-de-sac crew.

Great view, huh?

The fish are really jumping.

Must be a monster schnook, right?

I love me a schnook.

No one loves a schnook. They're mean.

Maybe I do like that you still need me.

And that I don't need you anymore.

And that I get to rub it in your face.

I feel like you haven't forgiven me
for screwing us up in the first place.

I probably haven't. I mean,
we were married, we had a kid,

and you roined it. Roined it.

I know.

Jules, I love the fact
that you look out for me,

but sometimes you gotta let me help you.
Just give me a chance.

I'll try.

I know I can sell that house
to that dude.

He's my people.
Tag me in, coach.

OK, fine. Help me.

Oh, you're waiting for me
to actually tag you in.

- Yes, I am.
- OK!

Come on! Knock 'em out!
Go get 'em. Yeah!

Hey! Big Dwayne, let me tell you why
you and your mama should buy this house.

That lady wasn't his mama.
It was his wife.

Oh, you did not.

No, Bobby!

Hi-ya!

- I showed all the boys our secret.
- Great.

- You may have ruined golf.
- Yep.

- Oh, my goodness!
- Oh, no, he did not!

Oh, stop it. I look marvelous.
Let's hit some balls.

Whoa!

Hi-ya!