Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 20 - Free Fallin' - full transcript

No lights.

Sweetie, you have been lying around
this dark room for two weeks.

I don't know what it's like to propose
to someone and have them say no,

but we've all had our hearts broken.

I mean, when your dad and I split up,
we were both crushed.

- It took me a year to bounce back.
- Worst weekend of my life.

What?

I'm worried you're
falling behind at school.

It's fine, we've had spring break
for the last two weeks.

Back in our day,
we'd be down in Daytona Beach,

tearing it up, crashing parties,
punching cops.



You punched a cop?

Well, don't try to stop me
if I'm voguing on top of a cab.

I mean...

Wait. Are you laughing?

No, it couldn't be.
This is the sad room.

Thank you. You can leave now.

All right.

- Penny Can!
- Guys, that was three in a row.

That means we go robot.

Penny Can!

We're adults.

We are so kicking ass
right now as parents.

Yeah! No, seriously, I think we're about
to pull Travis out of his depression.

- Rim shot!
- Ow!



Did you know these two are making
a killing with their Penny Can business?

- What-what!
- Wooo!

I've been trying to help them
make smart financial choices.

Yeah, I want to stop
working out of my boat

and build a giant can-shaped office.

It's not an easy job.

Well, I'm so happy for you both.

Spinner! Face sandwich!

Oh!

How is it still spinning?

Last cup of coffee. Who gets it?

- Mm.
- Mm.

Best friend or boyfriend?
I'll hear closing arguments.

I love you.

I got you a bagel.

Sorry, dude, you can't eat love.

- Give it to me!
- Wow.

Chicks. Am I right?

Hello, Tom. To what do we owe
the creepy displeasure?

Jules left her curtains open.
That's how she signals me to come over.

Sweetie, that's something
you just think is true.

Kind of like what you said about
a woman's period attracts bees.

I just wanted you to be careful.

Tom, poof.

Bye, Tommy.

That's right, I threw him a "Tommy."
Because you guys are too mean.

I mean, sure he's a little creepy,
but he seems harmless.

When he murders you, that's gonna be
my exact quote to the news crew.

Anyone seen Mom? Here she is.

Where'd she go? I'm right here!

That's playful.

- No way! Oh, my God!
- Oh! Oh, oh! Hey! Ow!

Can't stay holed up in the darkness
forever. I'll get too pale.

Look, you can kind of
see through my hand.

So, maybe you're thinking
about heading back to college?

Oh, uh, yes, I'll probably
head back later today.

Ugh!

- Parents!
- Oh. So, you practiced for this moment?

Yes.

- Oooh!
- Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Parents!

What the hell? I don't want
to have to see this every day.

Really? Rainbows get you riled up?

I don't like people doing graffiti
near our houses either.

Oh, now it's graffiti?

I saw the kids that did it.
Yeah, I would've stopped them,

but they didn't seem like the kind
of kids you want to mess with.

- How old were they?
- The big one was like, uh...

...like, nine.
- You have never been more sexy.

You don't understand
how creepy these kids were.

OK, it was like,
like Children of the Corn.

I crown you King of the Wussies.

What?

- They don't blink.
- I feel cold.

Told you.

Roger, all right, we worked on this.

You get more out of your drive
if you play angry. Laurie, little help?

I'm gonna trick your son
into putting a baby in me,

so I get all your money when you croak.

Now, make the ball her face.
And what do we do?

I smash her face!

- Whooo!
- Ha ha ha.

- That's a humdinger. Thanks, guys.
- You got it, bud.

Now, finish that bucket.
We gotta talk business for a sec.

Laurie, we're not wasting our profits
by making Penny Can sportswear.

But my designs rock.

Seriously, Andy's wearing
the bike shorts under his pants today.

They hug the area,
but still manage to let it breathe.

I smash her face!

I can't believe you guys
are still wasting your time

talking about that game. You might as
well just throw your money in a hole.

Actually, that is the game.

Well, that is ridiculous.

Penny Can!

Ha ha! My company needs to buy this.

What a great day! Man, this calls
for some celebration wine.

Oh, sorry, this is also my
"There's nothing good on TV wine."

Doesn't matter. You and Laurie
are selling Penny Cans,

- and we got Trav back out there.
- There he is.

He's back, folks. How do you feel?

Like I'm on one of those commercials
where the sad lady takes happy pills,

starts playing tennis again.

One of our neighbor's was on that drug,
but I can't tell you who it was.

- It was Ellie.
- What was Ellie?

Hey, Kev, nice to see you. You here
to give Trav a ride back to school?

No, I came to check on him.
He hasn't been at school in weeks.

Well, it's spring break.

Spring break was last month.

Did Trav drop out of school?

You stopped going to college?

Oh, fun, I love a good beat-down.

Mom, I'm sorry, OK. I just...

Look, I'm lost right now.

- Come here.
- No. No "come here."

He's playing you.

I'm not playing you, OK. I just...

I've been thinking about it a lot lately
and, uh, maybe...

...college isn't right for me.

You're giving up your future.

- How long did you last in college?
- Six weeks.

- He's right, I'm out.
- I paid your tuition!

Do you know how used I feel?

It's like when you hook up with a dude,

and then you wake up the next morning
and he's gone

and there's just a note on your pillow
that says, "Last night was fun,

call me next time you're in Tampa."
And you're like, "What?

I'm in Tampa?"

All right, you have two choices:

You either go back to college
or you move out and get a job.

I think I'm just gonna stay here
until I get my head straight.

Not one of the choices.

It's time for tough love, buddy.
I will toss you out on your ass.

Mom, that's not you.

Oh, it's me. I toss asses.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to eat some chips.

Put those down.

They're stale. Here, have a fresh bag.

Trav: One. Jules: Zero.

Man, I'm nervous.
I can't quit chewing my fingernail.

Ah!

This one's pointy like a witch's nail.

This is a business meeting,
be professional, OK?

Fine.

I'm glad you're here with me, Andy.

You always got my back
and that's why I love you.

Don't make me cry
before this meeting, OK?

All right, remember,
don't fall for any razzle-dazzle.

Hey, gang. I wanna introduce you

to the new spokesperson for Penny Can...

...Mr. Lou Diamond Phillips.

- No way!
- Way.

Perfect.

You should be spraying it from the other
side to push it all towards the curb.

Are you really telling me how to hose?

- I am.
- God, I wish I could be Andy.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Why?
- Come here.

The chalk children
aren't like other kids.

They're dark,
well, not physically, but...

Emotionless.
They're home-schooled.

When my wife Joanne was alive, they
chalked my driveway and I hosed it off.

And bad things started happening.
Branches falling, windows breaking.

Chins disappearing.

You mock, but know this:

Chalk children don't forgive.

And they never forget.

That one's the leader.

OK, if you're staying here,
I'll give you a deal on rent.

But I'm adding your first year
of college,

so you're gonna need to give me
$11,270.

You know what sucks?
Is that when your life falls apart,

and you get let down
by the one person you count on most.

- Is that me?
- Yeah.

Yes!

I just need a break.

Do you remember when I was little
and you'd come to school,

lie about some aunt or uncle dying,
and then we'd go to the beach?

Sweetie, those people actually died.

How come we didn't
we go to the funerals?

Because they're so depressing.

Solid parenting.

Still, I just loved our beach days.

It was like, I didn't have
a care in the world and...

- Can't we do that again?
- No.

I told everyone I was
gonna do tough love.

Mom, they don't have to know.

So, it's gonna be
the Lou Diamond Phillip's

Official Bobby Cobb's Penny Can Can?

That would be far too many names.

So, it's gonna stay
Bobby Cobb's Penny Can?

- He's not getting it.
- No.

Is there something on my face?

I don't know exactly what your race is,

but I am into it in a big way.

All right, guys.

Check out this prototype
that my nerds here put together.

It even talks to you
when you make a shot.

Hey, this is Lou Diamond
Phillips, saying, Penny Can.

I knocked that out in one take.

- But this isn't the game!
- I mean, there's no lights or spinning.

And the people are supposed to sing,
Penny Can!

I like it. It's shiny and it moves.

The rules are different.

I mean, there's no dancing,
there's no 'stache attack and...

...and you took out the ear flick.

Well, my other nerds
thought it was a liability issue.

Oh, please.

Oh!

- Did I get you with my witch nail?
- No, no, no, no.

- We should keep this moving, though.
- Right.

Did you see this part here,
of the contract, Bobby?

Oh, God.

That was an even better beach day
than when Uncle Dusty died.

And to cap it all off, Emilio Estevez
movie marathon.

My first Estevez-Festivez!

And we're not stopping
at his on-camera work either.

Guess who directed
two episodes of Cold Case?

- Shut up!
- Yeah.

Hey, it's cool
if I fall asleep in here, right?

Did Uncle Dusty
throw himself off a bridge?

- Did he?
- No.

Are those all our houses?

And that's us, there...

...burning alive.

You don't even have a head.
No, wait, there it is.

Why is my severed head
still screaming?

Because they draw what they dream.

Oh, man. Here they come. What now?

We make them a peace offering.
New chalk, maybe a scooter.

- Just be cool. Just be cool.
- Hey, kids.

Neat picture.

You fool. You've killed us all.

All we have to do
is sign these contracts.

This feels wrong, man.
You know, they're ruining Penny Can.

I hate it when big business
gets their hooks into something.

Look at Young Guns II.

It's like, "Hey, let's take everything
awesome about the first movie,

and puke Bon Jovi all over it."
Travesty.

I'm sorry, guys, I can't sign.

I am 100 percent not into this.

Well, I am one zillion percent for it.

- Infinity!
- Infinity! Damn! Tie.

Go ahead and break the tie, buddy.

Sorry, man, but you guys split 40 grand,
plus a share of the profits?

You gotta sell.

- Hey, lady, are you decent?
- I'm bringing you coffee.

Thanks. Have you seen Trav?
He said he was gonna crash in here.

Weird. Hey, what's with the note?

Let's see. Oh.

"Thanks, last night was fun"?

Did you just get one-night-standed
by your own son?

- He said we were going to brunch.
- Oh, no.

You spend a night like that with someone
and you think it means something.

- Me?
- Travis.

Good. I think.

I can't believe he played me.

Shocker! Your son is as manipulative
as you are. You must be so proud.

Maybe I went easy on him

because deep down, I know
that he needs me to take care of him.

What do you want him to do?

Live here until he's 60

so you two can spend every second
of your lives together?

Oh, my God, that would be amazing.

Pushed the wrong button there.

You have to crush him.

You're just scared.
Practice with your boyfriend.

Grayson, get your Travis on.

Mom...

...don't make me leave.
I'm just so lost right now.

- Go.
- Look, I'm only doing this

- because I love you.
- I love you, too.

So much.

- Should we all just walk away?
- Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go.

Hey, guys,
I've been looking all over for you.

Really? Because if you
had signed the contract,

you could've spotted us
from your helicopter

and thrown handfuls of gold
on us to get our attention.

I'm not sure you know
how far $20,000 goes.

- Didn't say it was a new helicopter.
- Ah, my bad.

Look, I came here for two things.

Number one, to return
the imaginary knife...

...that you stabbed me in the back with.

Not mine.

Your initials are carved
right here in the handle.

- Someone else did it.
- Just take it.

- You grabbed it by the blade.
- Ow!

Guy fights are weird.

Look, I know Penny Can is just a silly
game. Still, I'm the kind of guy

that's not gonna get too many chances
to make his mark on the world

and I thought Penny Can
was gonna be my thing.

But... we voted and I lost.

So, I'll sign the contract.

You can do what you want.

I feel awesome and terrible
at the same time.

Oh.

- Stop it with the hand.
- Gonna leave a scar.

Ay, ay, ay.

I don't think recreating their drawings
will appease them.

We don't have a lot
of options right now, Tom.

I don't like drawing myself
burning alive.

Well, you're supposed to be drawing me.

I'm cool with that.

- You know what's annoying, Tom?
- Me?

Don't steal my jokes. But, yes.
Why would you hose off the picture?

I don't know. I guess enjoyed
the three of us being a team so much,

I didn't want it to end.

Look, I know I shouldn't try to push
my way into the group, it's just...

You guys seem so fun.
I'm horrible at making friends.

Joanne was the one that handled it
for us and ever since she died,

I... guess I've just been so Ionely.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Wow.

Downer-ville. Population: Him.

What up, girlfriend?

Don't call me that.
It makes me feel dirty now.

Do you prefer mamacita?

Is this really the way
you wanna live your life?

It's noon
and you're still in your pajamas.

You're still in your pajamas.

No, this is comfortable sportswear
for active, older people.

Travis, I love you.

I love you, too, mamacita.

Remember that. Because I'm
kicking you out of the house.

- Somebody's mad.
- It's for real this time.

I can't believe
that you dropped out of school.

I'm so disappointed in you.

But this is what's right for me
right now...

No, it's not. You got hurt
and you made a scared, lazy decision.

And I'm not gonna just sit here
and support you. I won't.

So either you go back to college,
and I will pay,

otherwise, you've gotta
go start your life.

Either way, you have until tomorrow
morning to get out of my house.

Damn it! We aren't finished yet.

There's no time. We gotta go at them.

They wanna lay the creepy on us?
We go even creepier.

I'm gonna channel Vincent D'Onofrio
from Full Metal Jacket.

You do like, Helena Bonham Carter.

One step ahead of you, dearie.

That's awful, Tom. Who are you doing?

- That's just my thinking face.
- All right, here they come.

- Yes!
- Way to go.

We scared some kids.

- Coffee?
- Yeah.

Come on, Tom. Coffee.

Oh, OK. Yes!

Hey, partner. How you doing?

Not great.

Penny Can!

Look, you're Bobby Cobb. You're gonna
have a ton of chances to make your mark.

Yeah, and even though it would be crazy
for you to turn down this money...

...our friendship is more important.

And if you don't want to sell it,
we won't sell it.

- I don't wanna sell it.
- We already sold it.

Why would you lie?

Because we asked Roger for more time
and he said now or never.

Look, I promised
to always have your back.

This is me having your back.

That check gets you off of your boat
and into an apartment.

It's the fresh start
I've dreamed about for us.

For you.

OK, behold the official

Lou Diamond Phillips
Competition Penny Can Can!

Look at that piece of junk.

Here she comes. Coming up.

It climbs walls? No way!

- Way.
- It also says that

- whenever you say "way."
- Way.

Look what we made them
put on the inside.

"Invented by Bobby Cobb."

- No way!
- Way.

- This is awesome.
- Friends again?

We're more than friends. I say we go
imaginary blood brothers.

- Oh!
- Ohh!

Ah!

- It doesn't count if it doesn't hurt.
- I'm sorry. Cut me again.

Oh! Ah!

Oh, God.

- That's too much.
- Oh, man.

I love you guys.

Trav?

Yes!

I did it! Parent cheer!

Ugh!

- Aha!
- Parents!

Yeah, I like that we added a baby,
but I don't think you should shoot it.

That was a baby?

I just got a new apartment.
Now, what are you celebrating?

I kicked Trav out.

I know he has no place else to go,
so I know he went back to college!

- Oh, man.
- What?

Nobody told me
I wasn't supposed to give him my boat.

How is it noon already?

Ah, it's all right, J-Bird.
We'll get through this together.

No arm.

No shoulder.

Excuse me, but Royce came home in
tears and said that you all scared him.

When I saw him and his siblings
playing with chalk, I just waved hello.

I don't know why he'd be so upset.

You having a tough day there,
little Royce?

- He's a cute little guy.
- Yeah.

I guess someone has a vivid imagination.
I'm really sorry.

- Oh, it happens.
- No worries.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Have a good one.
- Send him to a real school.