Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 13 - Lost Children - full transcript

It's daylight,
why aren't you at my house yet?

Today is big present day.
I have to go get myself a big present.

- Is Andy going with you?
- No, he doesn't know about it.

Well, you're coming over later,
for movie night, right?

- I don't know...
- Ellie, friend test.

Fine, I'll come.

- "Friend test"?
- Yeah.

It's when you call your
entire friendship into question

and force them into doing something.
I came up with it.

Sounds like you.
Mom, I'm trying to fix the TV,

but I need to know
what you did to break it.



I just pushed one of the buttons
on the remote and it went to black.

Mmm-hmm... And then?

After it went black, I pushed about 100
buttons, plugged and re-plugged wires.

Fix it, T-Rex.
I'm pumped to see this movie.

Waiting for Superman? Really?

Bobby, I forgot to tell you this,
but Superman's not in it.

- It's... It's a documentary.
- No!

Yep. "It's a bird!" "It's a plane!"

No, it's a depressing expos?
about the failing public school system.

Oh, man.
Well, did you see the whole thing?

'Cause maybe Superman
flies in at the end.

He doesn't, but it's still good.

Tom, I know you wanna
be a part of this group,

but hovering out there,
eavesdropping, is not the way to do it.



Eavesdropping. That's crazy.

- What were you doing?
- Uh... Looking for my cat.

Snowball. I should go.

Tom?

Any sign of him?

Oh, boy.

Oh, hello, Jules. I just finished
the tastiest Cuban sandwich.

Barb, I'm gonna stop you right there,

and assume you're not
talking about your lunch,

but rather two young Cuban boys
that did horrible things to you.

Hector and Julio, yes!
Yes, they're cousins.

Why me? Why do you wanna torture me
with your filthy stories?

You used to be one of us, stalking
young prey without mercy or shame.

When are people going to understand
that's not who I am anymore?

I mean, what do I have to do,
change my name?

You'll be back.
The filth is strong within you.

Check out my new ride.

Whoo-hoo!

What the hell are you doing?

That's my trucker "whoo." You do it.

- Not a chance.
- Friend test.

Fine.

Whoo-hoo!

What?

- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Please stop doing that.

Hey, Sam's got a new haircut.

Who's Sam and
what should I text him back?

Sam's a buddy.

"Send us a pic of your haircut so we
can judge whether it is hot or not."

Oh, good. It's my ex-boyfriend Smith.

Hey, Laurie. Oh...

It's a forearm kiss,
just as cordial.

OK, I'll leave so you can all say
horrible things about me.

Oh, no, Smith. I mean, we're on
Laurie's side, but you're a good guy.

Thanks.

All right, let me get the ball rolling.
He is a pale-faced jerk.

- Tool bag.
- He was way too good for you.

Don't harsh on Smith,
he just bought you all refills.

Hmm...

I charged him double,
the pretentious little dink.

You guys!

No look...

Penny Can!

Schooled by a chick.
This is embarrassing.

It's worse for Andy.

He's missed so many times,
he can't even play real Penny Can.

Penny Can!

No. What do you have to sing
when you get it in the big one?

Sissy Can...

Stop sucking so much, dude.

Penny Can is one part geometry,

one part marksmanship,
and one part core strength.

Now, you got the first two in spades,
but this right here...

Wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka!

That's holding you back
in the minors, brah.

I don't have to take this from you. I'm
grabbing my penny can, I'm going home!

We were all talking smack,
why's he only going off on me?

He'll be fine. Check this out.

Moving target Penny Can!

Oh!

- Bobby, do you have any clean shirts?
- I've got shirts. Why?

Oh. Hey there, fella.

You know, buying that rig
is just the beginning.

I'm gonna go balls to the wall
with this tomboy thing.

- What up, Broseph?
- Weird.

Mom, this is taking a while to fix.

I don't think you're gonna
watch that documentary tonight.

Damn it! I wanted to feel smart tonight.

Smart and depressed about the world.
Not dumb and happy like always.

Man, those are some big grapes!

- You know what we should do?
- What?

Let's all pile in the back
of my pickup truck,

and make our own roads
in the forest behind the mall.

- I'll do that.
- All right, Bubba Gump,

you're obviously going through
something and we're here for you,

but still, anyone have a good idea?

Well, we actually read this great
article in my psych class about how...

- Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
- Stay with me!

- What?
- It's about how adults

can reduce their stress levels

by embracing the activities
they loved when they were kids.

So we should hide in the shower
and watch my babysitter pee?

No, no, no. This is good.

Not your thing, we're gonna have
to talk to a professional about that.

- But I got a great idea...
- Oh, who's that dude?

- Your wife.
- Is that Bobby's shirt?

- That's right.
- Yeah, I've had this dream.

Whoa, Bobby! Let the girl breathe.

You just get on the boat
without knocking?

There's an air horn
on the ladder for a reason.

- Hi, I'm Sam.
- This is Sam? Mmm...

I pictured him with less boobs.

- Did she say "him"?
- It's a figure of speech.

Wha?

See, that's the pizza guy.

He's got manners.

But no patience.

Don't say anything about Sam.

OK, guys, we could all use
a little "act like a kid" time,

so we're gonna play sardines in a can.

Now, one person goes to hide,
and then everyone looks for them.

But here's the catch, if you find
the hider, you hide with them.

And then the last person left looking
is the loser. How fun does that sound?

Let me get this straight. Instead of
doing fun stuff with my new truck...

- You bought a truck?
- Later.

- Super.
- We're gonna play some lame version

- of hide-and-seek?
- Don't be all sulky

just 'cause you're not
getting your way for once.

Hail Mary to save the night,
I, at my place,

have a fabulous bottle of champagne,
two big, thick, juicy steaks...

- I can cook 'em up.
- I'm in.

- Talking to Jules.
- We're playing sardines in a can.

Now, the more, the merrier,
so we can ask Tom to play.

- Oh, I'd love to.
- Way to keep it weird, Tom.

Whoever's hiding can hide
anywhere in or around this house,

- Ellie and Andy's, or Grayson's.
- I'll hide.

Wow, way to bounce back.
When you find your spot, call us.

Tom, I didn't include your house because
I just figured it was creepy in there.

- Pretty much.
- I see his guest room from upstairs.

There's a mannequin in a dog cage.

Oh, here we go! All right.

Ellie, you are on speaker.

Good. Jules, you always act like I'm the
chorey one who has to get her own way.

But, the truth is, you are
the bossy-pants control freak

who makes everyone do what you want
them to do, like some evil dictator.

Damn!

Thank you, Jellybean. Seriously, Jules,
who elected you group leader?

- I have something to say about that...
- That's why I hid.

I knew you'd wanna defend yourself,
but now you can't.

- Ellie!
- Goodbye!

Oh, my God!

- Game on!
- Yeah, that sounds good!

Excuse me...

I told you Ellie
wasn't in the pool shed.

It was a good guess. That's where
she hides from Andy when he wants sex.

Can you believe that crap
she said about me?

I think I'll pass on getting
in the middle of your fight.

Smart move, boy toy.

Well, Travis, you heard what Ellie said.
Do you think that I'm at all...

No. Mm-mm. I ain't stupid.

You call yourself men.
But you're both wusses.

Ellie's not in the hedge
where she hides from the nanny.

- Ellie hides a lot.
- Hey, Andy.

I gotta go talk to him.

No! You're my searching-partner-slash
tell-me-Ellie's-crazy buddy!

Oh...

Let me guess. You're trying to find
someone to tell you that I'm crazy.

- When I find you, you're dead.
- You'll never find me. No one will.

Oh, great.

Scoot over, baby.

Do you think Jules'll ever like me?
What's Grayson have that I don't?

- I don't know, a chin?
- You're right... Right.

- I'm done.
- Oh, good!

So you can be my searching-partner-slash
tell-me-Ellie's-crazy buddy! Let's go.

Come on, honey.

Your house is dumb.

Well, at least you don't
have a stupid octopus painting.

Oh, wait...

Hey, we were all making fun of you
when we were tossing copper.

That's new slang for playing Penny Can,
by the way. Pass it on. But you only

freaked out on me. How come?

You grabbed my stomach.
I have personal space issues,

- I freak out when people touch me.
- Hmm. OK.

He's also allergic to raspberries.

That tickles!
That's different. He's earned it.

We already checked in here.

- Yeah, we'll just double check.
- Why are we double checking?

Steak and champagne.

I love me some beef and bubbles. Ooh!

That should be our detective names.

He's Beef, a grizzled ex-Marine
with a secret... He's a vegetarian.

She's Bubbles, his plucky,
hot partner with a secret of her own,

she's Beef's daughter.

Together, they fight crime
and each week,

maybe they grow
a little bit closer together.

I don't know why I got choked up.

But we might as well watch this fake,
boring Superman documentary.

So, Beef, why are you hiding
your girlfriend from everyone?

Get out of my grill, Bubbles.

Well, Mrs. Torres wasn't in the pantry,
but this note was...

- "Enough with the cookies."
- She leaves notes for Andy everywhere.

Ah. "Kissing is for shavers."

I mean, she calls me the control freak.
Does that make sense?

Very smooth, trying to slide
into that conversation.

Unfortunately, this isn't
my first mother-son rodeo.

Oh, I really wish they had those.

Well, I'm always there for you
when you wanna talk. Come on...

A heart-to-heart
on Mr. And Mrs. Torres' bed?

- You wanna snuggle?
- Oh, yeah.

- Kidding...
- Well, don't tease.

All right, Ellie sees me
as the dictator with everyone.

Now, you have an outside perspective of
the cul-de-sac crew. How do you see us?

Well, I see you guys as a bunch of
old people with surprisingly good skin,

given the amount
of wine and sun you take in.

Yeah, I think the alcohol preserves us.

Mom, I wish I could help you,

but when it comes to questions
about who you really are,

I think the only person
who can answer them is you.

- That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
- You're welcome.

I really doubt Ellie
is hiding in the drawer.

No, but her... sex chopsticks are.
Whatever the hell these do.

- Come on, they're all snooping, too.
- I'm pretty sure they're not.

Look, Travis'
ironic T-shirt collection.

"Hey, I'm moody and sarcastic,

and I'm home for
the tenth straight weekend

because I don't understand
how college works."

Oh, I don't have a Travis impression,
I just want this hoodie.

Hey, listen, um, we still need to talk.

You know I'm not really good
at being real,

unless I'm trying
to get someone's pants off.

Don't know where this is headed,
but go on.

- What's happening?
- You don't have issues with touching.

It's your fault for making
your hands smell so good.

Why do you have this big chip
on your shoulder with me, huh?

Did I do something to offend you?

Because if I did,
let's talk about it, OK?

But just don't walk away again
because it drives me...

I will wear his skin.

Would you stop
walking away from me? It's rude.

Oh, grow a pair, Cindy.
What are you gonna do about it?

Hey...

That's what I'm gonna do.

OK. Ha, ha. Are you still there?

Come on! I'm breathing
my own breath!

I'm sorry, I can't watch
this documentary anymore.

You know what's scarier
than Lex Luthor?

The decaying public education system

that's cheating our young people
out of a future.

You know what's also decaying?
That one vice principal's teeth.

What, does she brush 'em with pudding?

You see? That's why
I don't bring Sam around you guys.

Oh, no...
Honey, does she have pudding teeth?

No! Because our group is too judgmental.

I mean, you saw how we tore Smith
a new tailpipe today.

That was different. Smith dumped me.

That's the only reason why people
were talking crap about him.

Hmm... No, we talked crap about him
when you were dating, too.

We just did it behind your back.

Hm.

- Should we go check the garage?
- To hell with looking.

I wanna talk more about Ellie.
Let's go, talk-buddy.

Ellie and I have always had
a complicated relationship.

We actually met at a sample sale.
She trampled me. Trav...

Trav?

- Hello?
- I've got your boy.

- I'm having the best time.
- Me, too, Tom.

Give me back my son!

Mom, I'm scared...

- Now you know he's OK. Goodbye, Jules.
- Wait, wait, wait wait!

What are those chopsticks for?

Get in quick, Jules'll see you!

Aw, man!

Pipe down, pretty boy.

Hey, guys, anybody want a wine break?

Don't move, it's a trick!

Damn it!

Help me out with something.

I've always felt this little edge
from Andy. What's his problem with me?

Can you imagine
what it's like being Andy?

Well, he's married to you,
so I know it's mostly terrible.

- Zing! Give me some, Trav...
- No, thanks.

Look, when Andy's parents
first moved here from Cuba,

they scraped up enough money
to send him to prep school.

So in walks this husky,
balding 11 year-old

with a whole fried fish for lunch.

He got terrorized by pretty boy d-bags
like you named Wyatt or Deckland.

And every time you tease him,
you remind him of those guys.

- Don't feed into it and you'll be fine.
- No problem.

Except for I just tied him to a tree.
I gotta go get him.

Get pillows and wine. And if you tell
Jules that we're here, I will end you!

Can you get my retainer?

This sucks.

- Why aren't you at college?
- You know, Tom, I don't know.

You know what, Beef?
I've decided I'm mad at you.

You don't have any faith
in your friends.

We would never trash Sam.

When I was dating Smith, I knew
that he wasn't everyone's favorite.

But you guys never said
any of that stuff to my face.

Because that's how
we support each other.

It's kind of beautiful.
I mean, no one likes Ellie,

- but we're not mean when Andy's around.
- I like Ellie.

Come on, buddy, it's just us.

Everyone is gonna be so psyched that
you're dating again that we'll be cool,

even if Sam totally sucks.

Bobby, we're the cul-de-sac crew!
We always have each other's backs.

Put my ice cream away,
and go get some wine and pillows

and hide from Jules in the truck. I
gotta go get Andy, I tied him to a tree.

Our group is so much fun!

Is someone there?
Please help! Do the right thing...

Andy? What happened?

Your boyfriend's a big bully. Untie me.

Oh, my goodness.

Wow. OK, I have to get some scissors.

Hey, you know,
I'm having a bad day, too.

Do you think there's anything to what
Ellie said? I mean, the way I see it...

- I am so hot!
- Fine!

Keep your shirt on.

Get it?

I'm going.

OK, she's gone. I'll untie you.

I can still kick.

Do you wanna be let go or not?

OK, so I probably
shouldn't have tied you to a tree.

Since I'm Cuban,
it's almost a hate crime.

Look, don't compare me to those douchey
guys that hassled you in high school.

Ellie told you? Perfect.

You know why you're an idiot?
One of the reasons, anyway?

It's because you're still competing
with a bunch of jerks from your past.

But dude, you already won.

I mean, you got a hot wife,
and a beautiful son, and a great job.

Most of those cool guys?
I bet they're like me, you know?

Divorced, struggling through life,
peaked at 18...

- Wow, you're a total loser.
- What? No, I got Jules now.

- Oh, yeah, but you're gonna blow that.
- All right, forget it.

Wait.

Thanks for coming back for me.

Andy? All right, don't piss me off,
I've got scissors.

Andy!

Wait, where are you?

Ooh! Hey, over here!

Oh, good, you invited her!

Oh, hi.

Just get in and hide. Come here.

Hurry.

Everyone, this is Sam, my girlfriend.

Isn't Bobby great?

OK, guys, I'm the last one, I lose.

Game over, you can all come out now.

Nobody move! She's about to snap.

I swear to God, I will burn
this whole cul-de-sac down!

Hey, Mrs. Vasquez.
Just playing a little game.

Tom? I've got a hug
with your name on it!

- She needs me.
- No! Hold him down.

- Sam, cover his mouth.
- I don't like this.

Just do it, Sam!

It is dark and
I am tired of being alone!

Ellie?

Ellie! Friend test!

Can we stand up, too?

OK, everyone... Friend test!

Oh! Thank God!
That was like a butt numb-a-thon.

Look, this was supposed to be fun.

But, Ellie, you were right.
I am an evil dictator.

Even when I was a kid, I used to
order my friends around so much

- they called me bossy boy.
- "Bossy boy"?

Well, I didn't get boobs
until I was a senior.

- Late bloomer, nice!
- No, Tom.

I don't know why everything
always has to be my way.

I don't, I just...

I don't even know how you guys
put up with me. I'm so sorry.

Oh, please. I was just pissy
'cause you wouldn't go off-roading.

We're all grown-ups.

We wouldn't spend every second
at your house if we didn't want to.

I had a blast today.

- I ate steak!
- Yeah, best night, ever.

Jules, if we had to elect
a group leader, it'd be you.

You bring us all together.

Thank you.

- Who's the new chick?
- Oh, that's my girlfriend, Sam.

Well, welcome, Sam.
Glad you could make it.

Wanna play another round?

- Hey, Tom, wanna hide?
- I'm a great hider!

He's going.

Wanna head inside
and drink some wine?

- Hell, yeah.
- Yeah!

So did y'all bag on Sam once we left?

What could we possibly say about her?
We met her for, like, two seconds.

Well, that's all you're gonna get
because she dumped me.

- Go ahead.
- Bad hair, weird nose, thick neck...

She shook my hand with her fingertips.
What are you, the Queen of France?

Her face made me wanna learn how to box.

Man, there's a lot of love in this room.

Aw...

Sorry.