Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - A Thing About You - full transcript

I love you.

I love you, too.
I'm feeling good about Jayson.

That is half Jules and half Grayson.

I combined our names the way they do
with the celebrity couples.

Jayson sucks. It's a real name.

- What about, um... Grules?
- Sounds like something orphans eat.

Please, sir, may I have some grules?

No, you get back in your spaceship!

- What?
- I don't know what we're doing.

Hey, do you think a year from now
we'll be living together?

Bye-bye, nice moment.



I'm sorry, I always fixate on the next.
I'm Future Gal.

- Well, I'm Now Guy.
- Oh, no. We're mortal enemies.

It's just right now is so awesome,
why wouldn't I want to be in the moment?

You're right.
From now on I'm doing that.

- Future Gal is so annoying.
- She's not as bad as "What lf" guy.

What if when we met,
I was a billionaire?

You think we still
would've ended up together?

I don't know. I definitely would've
had sex with you sooner.

- Aw, that's sweet.
- Why are you here?

Hmm. Jules' house doesn't open up
until 8:00. You're out of milk.

- Ah, that's party mix, buddy.
- Well, that's why it tastes salty.

Now that Jules and Grayson are in love,

do you ever worry that Travis is
gonna see Grayson as a father figure?

Nope. But now I can't
think of anything else.



You were too mean to Bobby.

That's women, buddy.
Guy friends wouldn't do that. Mm-mm.

- We're too loyal.
- I'm getting arm?

- I'm making a point.
- Warm.

Well, so what if you're loyal?
It's loyalty based on nothing.

Sports. Beer.

Oh, let's pee on this thing and
then wrestle. I mean, you're like dogs.

At least we don't dump friends
at the drop of a hat.

I actually did dump a friend for
dropping my favorite hat in a puddle.

- Have a nice life, Nezzie.
- I never drop friends.

Oh, really?

Pow. Wedding picture of you
and your bridesmaids,

with the exception of Jules,
you no longer speak to any of them.

- No way!
- Yeah.

She has valid reasons. I mean,
Katie had her baby in a bathtub.

- Unacceptable!
- And, well, Tina doesn't count.

She backs up mediocre looks
with a horrible personality.

Tina's my baby sister.

If you wanna see a picture
that matters... check it out.

Friends for life.

I would do anything
for the women in this picture. Anything!

Hey, my apartment is getting painted
this weekend. Can I crash here?

Wow, that is, like,
the perfect time to ask me that.

- Well done. Really.
- Bravo. Bravo.

Thank you.

Don't you think that picture
would look better like this?

- Would you just...
- Really? Let's cut out oldie McPhee.

Stop it. Guys,
first of all immature and...

Before I met you,
I was dating a rich, 30 year-old guy...

Loving this story so far.

- Calm down, he was a big uggo.
- Really?

No, he was beautiful.
One weekend he took me to Paris

- and we strolled along the Seine...
- Strolling along rivers in Paris.

Must've been like, "Help!
I'm trapped in a clich?."

Trav, our last date was watching
the first season DVD of Community

and staying up all night
watching nine Emilio Estevez movies.

- The Estevez-Festevez.
- Look...

You could stand to be
a little bit more romantic.

I'm crazy about you,
so don't freak out, OK?

Please, woman, totally Estevez.

Guys! Guys, guys, guys! Hi, could
I ask you a relationship question?

No one will ever
love you as much as I do.

- Yeah, that's why I'm asking him.
- Sure.

- Bye, sweetie.
- Bye.

Oh, look, that new wine bar opened.
That place is my competition.

You thought girls weren't loyal,
but we love wine

and we haven't
stepped foot in that place.

That's real friendship, pal.

- Wine bar?
- Ellie's already running. Go!

Wine bar!

Now, ladies, what I adore about
this Pinot is its audacity...

Oh...

- I'll tell you later.
- OK.

You'll detect subtle hints
of juniper berry...

Buddy, if it takes the edge off,
I am good to go.

- And you're done.
- Wait, what?

You don't drink wine
for the right reasons.

- She doesn't.
- This is the most horrible day ever.

Blonde one, try that.
Tell me what you taste?

- Cinnamon.
- Exactly.

She is chewing cinnamon gum!

Romance isn't all about
sunsets and flowers.

It can be as simple as
getting to a point with your woman

where you can actually stand to listen
to all her pointless jibber-jabber.

I hope you and my mom grow old together.

What you ladies gabbin' about?

I'm just getting some terrible advice
on girlfriend issues.

So, you went to him with your problem?

Why would you do that, Travis?

- Andy, not sure why you're upset.
- Because I'm human.

- Scoot over, I want in on this.
- Romance, huh? Ah...

What if you only had one night
with Kirsten before she exploded?

You hate "What lf" guy, don't you?

- Yes, so much.
- Can't stand...

What if you didn't?

We agree to never go back
to that jerk's wine place again?

Our two person boycott
will bring him to his knees.

- Why are you putting things away?
- Getting ready for Laurie to come over.

Oh, my God,
you're Laurie-proofing your house.

- She gets into things.
- Like a raccoon.

Kind of. Because raccoons are cute and
sometimes Laurie goes through my trash.

Not to get food but
she likes to take my old magazines.

Oh, well, that's normal.

Why'd you say yes to this? You know
what's the worst thing about Laurie...

Stop right there.

Girlfriends don't talk behind
each other's backs.

I couldn't keep a straight face.

OK, sure,
Laurie's not the easiest house guest.

But, hey, I'm excited she's coming.

What's up, sleepover? I packed light.

Just my sleep mask and some condoms,
'cause you never know.

- I usually do.
- This is gonna be so much fun!

I need to borrow some toothpaste,
a toothbrush and your lady razor.

- Oh, and an outfit for tomorrow.
- I don't know.

Maybe a skirt to show off my drumsticks.
Wha-pam!

The elliptical has been
my bitch recently.

I'll just go up into your closet and
I'll root around and find some stuff.

- Hey, Ellie.
- Hey, raccoon.

Are you sure this picture
doesn't look better like this?

Quit it. We love her.

- Hey, can I try on this thong?
- Yes!

- Thanks, honey.
- I will kill you!

Hey, Laurie, wait!

And dead. I walk outta here the way
I came in, the police pin it on Grayson,

he sells me his pub to make bail,

and we finally get
some good nachos in this town. What?

Good morning, Laurie.

Come downstairs, you can catch up to me
on coffee. I'm two pots ahead.

Tag! You're it!

Oh, God. Are you awake?

Will you come with me, please?

I love you.

All right. Stay asleep.

"My nachos are great, I use
three kinds of cheeses. What, what."

I'm taking Kirsten out tonight,
and it's gotta be more romantic

than a weekend in Pa-ree.

- You know what would beat Paris?
- What?

Nothing. Have you ever been?
It's breathtaking.

Strong start, let's build on it.

I'm this close to a great idea but the
sound of my breath's getting in my head,

so, I'm just gonna
hold it for awhile.

You want a romance?
First, throw on a nice Cuban suit.

They exist.
Then, two flutes of champagne.

Oh, what's in the champagne?
A necklace.

What's it made of? Diamonds.

- Game over.
- Yeah, I'm poor. No diamonds.

But at least the ideas are flowing. Dad?

Still working on it. Grayson, I assume
you're daydreaming about Paris?

The croissants are so fresh.

- Got it. Write her a love song.
- I scribbled down some titles.

Stairway to Kirsten,
Hotel Kirsten-fornia.

You're just putting her name
in your favorite songs.

Not all my favorites.

I didn't write down Kirsten and Julio
Down By the Schoolyard

'cause it'd sound like she was
throwing down with someone else.

In the God of the Kirsten?

- It's Raining Kirstens?
- My Kirstona.

I had a feeling you'd be back.

Look, I know this is wrong, I just...

I just thought, maybe,
we might be kindred spirits.

My only interests are drinking wine
and judging people.

Then I was right.

Wait, what am I doing? I should go.

You see that woman having lunch?

With that overbite, she could eat
an apple through a chain-link fence.

Apples? Look at the size of her.

They probably put up that fence
to keep her out of the cupcake store.

- Separated...
- At...

...- birth.
- - Soul mates.

It has been such a blast
spending this much time with you.

You know it.

Plus, I am learning
so much stuff about myself.

For instance, apparently my hands
look older than the rest of my body.

- Well, they do.
- Hmm-hmm. Great.

And, also, my shower singing
is wiggity whack.

- Totes, wiggity whack!
- And now you have my cell.

I can't believe you have Grayson
in your phone under G-Love. Barf.

I think this might be a good time
for us to talk about boundaries.

- Don't got none.
- Just go with me.

Now, how would you feel
if I were to go through your cell phone?

Fun! We can read
each other's text messages!

"Dear Jules, you're awesome!
Love, Jules." Seriously?

Sometimes I text myself
a little pick-me-up.

"Dear Jules, you're not so special."

- Sometimes I go the other way.
- Hmm.

All right,
that was a great talk.

Laurie is so up in my grill
that I had to pretend to go to work

just to get away from her.
I feel horrible.

You know that postcard of a French guy
on a bike with a baguette under his arm?

In Paris that's real.

Should we move to Paris?

As much as I would like to talk about
that for the next six hours, I can't.

Because I'm not Future Gal anymore,
remember? I'm Now Girl.

And Now Girl has a problem today

because her friend Laurie
wants to give her corn rows.

Jules got her groove back.

Oh, why? Why would you do it?

Look, come crash at my place tonight.

No, you know what?
I'm gonna get real with her.

Little lesson in girl friendships.

Unlike men, we don't avoid conflict
and we're not backstabbers.

- You can come out now.
- I wanna try the ros?.

- Come on.
- OK.

No. I am having a rough day.

Please don't trap me in
with one of your gross Barb stories.

Jules Cobb, I am a real estate
professional same as you

and I have come here to tell you
about a very serious problem

I had with my clients
at one of your listings.

What happened?

I had a physical issue
during the walk-through.

I mean, everything's OK now. It just
turns out I'm just highly orgasmic.

Seriously, I can't wear corduroy.

- Barb trap.
- That's right.

- Surprise! Friend attack!
- Oh, good. You came here.

Oh, boy. Look at that one
with the curly hair.

Ugh. That will not be cute
when she's over ten.

- No.
- I should go.

Today was magical.
Same time tomorrow?

- Of course.
- All right.

Oh, and say hi to your
low-rent friend for me, will you?

You know, the one with the hair
so jet black she looks like a crow.

I will.

Only two hours until my romantic date
and we still got nothing.

What about my two-person tattoo idea?

I drew one on so you could get it.

If I get drunk later,
we're making this real.

That's good, but I think
I'm gonna save that idea

for when I'm dating a dude... in prison.

OK, I've got to go.

Oh, hey, Grayson. Do me a solid,

I'll call you later. Hit me up
with that insincere romantic gibberish

- you used to use to bag chicks.
- Hmm. I'll dial up some classics.

He's leaning on you for this
like you're his dad all of a sudden.

He came to me!
What the hell was I supposed to do?

That's why I'm a better friend than you
are. I put myself in my buddy's shoes.

If I were dating the ex-wife of a good
friend of mine and their son came to me,

I would damn well realize that you,
and by "you" I mean me,

were stepping on "your," my toes.

Not "your," your my toes, but I mean
"mine" as in the flipped version of us.

- Right, that makes sense.
- Oh, man. You know what I meant.

OK, uh, Laurie,
I want to be straight with you.

I'm sure you can tell that I'm a little
touchy with my personal space.

Like how you freaked
when I hopped in the tub with you?

I'm weird like that. Look, I'm sorry,

but having a house guest is just
a little too much for me right now.

I think you should get
a hotel room tonight. My treat.

That's OK. I'll just go back home.

- But you're having your place painted.
- Nope.

I just thought it'd be a kick
to crash with you for the weekend.

- A kick?
- Totes kick.

Totes kick.

Wow. OK, so you thought
it was OK to lie and torture me

like some sort of... space invader?

Laurie, I'm at the point where the sound
of your voice is more upsetting to me

than those Internet videos
of foreign babies smoking.

I have never spent an evening
with such an annoying person.

Why would you do that to me?

Because I missed you.

I know you're in love with Grayson,
and that's cool,

but I've been feeling boxed out.

And so...

...I made up a reason
for us to spend time together.

I'm really sorry
it sucked so bad for you, Jules.

How is it that you
made me feel like the jerk?

What can I tell you? I'm good.

What's the emergency?

I just said the most
horrible stuff to Laurie.

She's upstairs right now
grabbing her things.

Thanks for including me.

Hey, G-Iove!
All right, see you, sweetie. Bye.

She's a shell of herself.

What the hell? I was so mean.

Any friend would be crushed by that.

Wow. It makes me question
whether she even cares about me.

So, you're mad at her for not being mad
at you for saying mean things about her?

That right there... is girl friendships.

And that right there...
is a stupid face.

What's up? I'm in a rush.

I gotta pick up Kirsten and can't reach
Grayson to figure out what we're doing.

- I told him not to talk to you.
- Oh, that's great.

I'm glad you're taking an active role
in ruining my relationship.

Trav, I know I'm being overly sensitive,

but I just don't like you
going to Grayson for dad stuff.

Aw...

I want you to come to me for advice,
you know.

And if it's not my wheelhouse,
you know, like romance or investments...

Career stuff, current events, vacation
ideas, hair styles, healthy foods...

We'll finish that list later.
The point is,

if I don't know about it
we'll find someone who does.

- OK, Dad.
- Thank you. Now park it.

I've been holding my breath
thinking about this romance,

and it finally dawned on me.

All right, it's not about Paris,
it's not about tattoos.

If you're with the right gal,
it is all about creating a moment.

Like what? Dad, like what?

I heard you. I just thought
you were gonna come by in, like...

...20 minutes when it gets dark.
Just wait.

Oh. I just opened the most amazing
Merlot. Have you ever tasted mischief?

Wayne, I didn't say anything before,
but you were mean to my friend

and if you do it again,
you'll have to deal with me.

- OK.
- Good.

It is so on.

What up, naked lady?
You wanted to talk? I know I'm early,

- so I thought...
- You just came right up.

Laurie, this doesn't
make you uncomfortable?

- Nope.
- What about this? Whoo!

Whoo!

Looks like fun. Those girls are moving.
Lady, you look good.

Thank you.

I can't believe you would
compliment me after what I said.

Hey, friends always
have each others' backs.

I know you fancy yourself
the Queen of Mean around these parts,

but Wayne Gibbons is not scared of some
unemployed, suburban hausfrau

who dresses like Diane Keaton's much,
much, much, much, much, much, much,

much, much, much, much,
much, much older sister.

- Is it... Is it my turn?
- Yeah it is.

She texted me. She knows it turns me on
when she crushes people.

That's a nice tough guy act,
but I see through you, Wayne.

I see through all the way
to that little boy

who wore glasses and
sat in the corner wondering why

he couldn't find one friend
to build model airplanes with him.

I know you're in there, nerd.

So, if you ever say
mean things about Jules again,

I will come across that bar,
take your...

And I will stomp all over your grapes.
Do you understand me, Wayne?

Yes, ma'am.

Andy, you want to take me home now?

Are you kidding? Thank you.

I'm sorry about everything I said.

I'm sorry for not being mad enough when
you said those horrible things to me.

- It's OK.
- I know I can be annoying.

Laurie Keller is a big personality.

Seriously, I'm like...
Oh, I don't know. What is the word?

I'm guessing... wha-bam?

- Yeah. Wha-bam!
- Ooh.

Jules, I get in people's personal space.
I'm loud and not just my voice.

My clothes, my makeup, my jewelry.

I mean, seriously.
This necklace could be a belt buckle.

Usually, when I'm getting on your nerves
I can tell and I dial it back.

I don't know, I was really psyched
to spend the weekend with you and...

- You got jimmied up.
- Oh, I was ridiculous.

But what the hell.
You know, I am who I am, right?

That's why I love you, because you are
so comfortable in your own skin.

Well, come on. You are too.
Remember the naked dance upstairs?

Whoo!

Worst four seconds of my life.

I wish I could be
more comfortable with who I am.

I wish I could be more like you.

Oh...

Is that the first time
anyone's ever said that to you?

- Yeah.
- I love you.

Oh...

OK, ask me again
about that romantic moment.

- Dad, like what?
- Like this.

Wha!

Look at the moon over the ocean.
It's so beautiful.

So are you.

- Pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?
- Well, you know, I do what I do.

You know, your boat actually looks
not creepy for the first time in like...

...ever.
- Hey, buddy, it was your idea.

Thanks for letting me
take the credit, man.

I got your back, buddy.

- I feel a little weird watching.
- They are getting a little handsy.

- Let's get to the bar.
- Please.

Go ahead.

Uh... I would like to have
some of the fancy wine.

- But her hair?
- Do it, Wayne.

Oh, no, no. I brought my own glass.

This is Big Carl. Fill him up.

- Yeah!
- Cheers!

Do you know where this group's
gonna be 20 years from now?

- I thought Future Gal was dead.
- I've decided to own it. Deal with it.

- Atta girl.
- What did you do?

Boy friendships or girl friendships,
it doesn't matter.

We're not going to be
like Ellie's bridesmaid photo.

No one here is ever gonna be ex'ed out.

- Cheers!
- Here, here!

Ooh! I want that photo.

- Wayne, take a picture with my cell.
- Do I look like the type that...

- Wayne.
- Three, two, one.

OK. I put together an album of all
the people we're no longer friends with,

and I just wanted to know why.

OK. Oh, missed my birthday party.

Talked behind my back.

Oh, too happy all the time.

Said our house was "quaint."

Named her daughter Chesapeake.

Too old for hair that long.
Always tried to hug me.

- Calls her husband Hurricane Frank.
- Frank.

Vegan, vegan, vegan.
They were all friends.

Doesn't like Howard Stern.

Thought it would be funny
to squirt me with a hose.

- That was a mistake.
- Husband is a tool.

Ran a marathon. Doesn't drink.

Oh, and the last one's easy
'cause it's your mom.

Great.