Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Don't Do Me Like That - full transcript

- What?
- Honey, when you write a college essay,

you need to write about who you really
are, not who you pretend to be, OK?

No more stuff about how
you're a huge fan of The Clash.

- I love The Clash.
- Name one of their songs.

- Should I Stay or Should I Go?
- Name another.

Well played. If you torture me,
I'm gonna torture you.

I'm going to college next year.
You're going to be all alone.

I'm really excited for you.

Really, Mom?

- Mom?
- I need a sec.

- Hello?
- Hey, what are you doing?



It's midnight and I'm trying
not to cry in front of my son.

That's cool.

So, remember how Nezzie and I
went to Miami and we split a hotel room?

Well, tonight she said that I hogged
the bed like a big, blonde bear,

and I kind of overreacted
and I slapped the bitch.

Oh, I'm PMSing hard.

Cut to the chase.

She left me at a club so I need a ride
home and a place to crash tonight.

- OK, I'll be right there.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

- Honey, I'll be back in an hour.
- Jules Cobb, Mother to the World.

So I like to help people.

Feeling needed
is like my crack. I crave it.

That's a great message for the kids.

Besides, having Laurie over will be fun.
It's like having a slumber party.



- Laurie, you're getting another text.
- Shut up, Nezzie.

I was that bad?

If we were in prison, I'd be your bitch.

Bye, Amber!

- That's not her name.
- Oh, I was just guessing.

Her name is... Candee.

Neat! Is she a lawyer
or a nuclear physicist?

The girl with three toe rings
finds it funny.

One of them's a tattoo.

Wow, you shuffled that poor girl out
early this morning.

- Did you even feed her?
- I don't like eating with people.

- What about what she likes?
- Thumpy music?

- What else?
- Shiny things.

- Little more.
- Cartoons.

- Tell me what you know.
- Being a vegan, except for pizza.

Oh, paper buddy,

there's not an endless supply
of hot, dumb girls in this little town.

If you keep acting like a selfish tool,
word's gonna spread.

You're gonna find yourself
living on Planet No-Love.

That means that girls won't
want to sleep with you anymore!

- Got it.
- He's got it.

What are you thinking about?

I was just dreaming about having
sex with you on a beach at sunrise.

Oh, that's sweet.

Here's what I don't like about it.

We're never having sex at sunrise,
it's way too early.

Have you ever done it at the beach?
There is sand everywhere, just...

Ooh.

Also, one word: Bugs.

So why don't you move me
from the beach to a nice hotel?

There's no hotel.

What is it, like a side-of-the-road kind
of beach where cars drive by and honk

and I'm like, "Whoo!"
And you're like, "Ow!"

- I mean, I'm not some whore, Josh.
- I'm not sure what's happening.

I'm sorry.

Know what?
I think we're both sexually frustrated.

This whole "waiting for ten dates" rule,
it's just really rough.

Yeah.

I know I'm being rude,
but I'm starving.

If you're not gonna eat that,
may I have it?

- My omelet?
- No.

Good God, Barb!

I'm happy this is our seventh date.

You remember that time we played tennis,

- then went to dinner and saw a movie?
- Yeah.

That's two locations
and a wardrobe change!

That's gotta count
for at least two dates.

So that means this is our ninth date

and tomorrow is our tenth date
and we can finally...

Josh, Josh. Come on,
we're both adults here, please.

Let's not make
too big of a deal out of it.

Laurie! Laurie!

Laurie!

Laurie! It's tomorrow!

- It is?
- Yes!

Tomorrow Josh and I
finally get to have...

Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Dershon.
Please have a seat.

I'm gonna show you
some lovely homes today.

Oh, you want to see a cool magic trick?

Ta-da!

You're safe now.

And this will be
my last bite of food today

so that my stomach looks
super-flat tonight.

What's happening tonight?

I'm hosting a conference
on "Mind your own business. "

Wow, I'm sorry,
that was a little mean.

Here, honey. Have the rest of my bagel.

Hello, Clarice.

Come on, Travis!
We gotta go see your dad.

Hey, I'll take him over.

I know Bobby was your best friend,

but once Jules divorced him, that ended.
You are forbidden to see him.

- It doesn't bother me, Ellie.
- This is not about you.

Say goodbye to mean Mommy.

What time is your
gentleman caller arriving tonight?

- I told him to show up at 8:00.
- That enough time to prepare?

It's 10:00 in the morning.
Is she serious?

We're 40, Laurie.

For us, getting ready for sex is like
prepping for a space mission.

I already scheduled your mani-pedi.

My Russian eyebrow lady was murdered,
long story, so I was thinking

just have the girl that does
your bikini wax do your brows.

You can't use the same person
for both things!

One's a gardener, the other's an artist.

If I'm gonna get waxed, I gotta
tidy the den before the maid comes.

Wait. What the hell does that mean?

Jules is so crazy she has to
give herself a trim

before she gets waxed, so her waxer
doesn't think she's a cavewoman.

I also have to blow out my hair,
buy candles,

wash my sheets, do 1,000 sit-ups,

and buy a bra that doesn't squeeze
my back so tight I get back-boob.

Wow, you're really going
all-out for this guy.

Why, you don't ever try
to make it special?

I don't know. If I really like a dude,
I'll stop texting while we do it.

I wish you were my daughter.

Travis, did you finish
your college essay?

Yeah, it's great.

You have to do it this weekend.

How'd she know?

The high-pitched lie. Every man's tell.

- No, it's not.
- Really?

Have you ever had a dirty dream
about me, Travis?

You?

Sick!

Mom, make Laurie stop.

Come on, let's go see
your dad's new place.

New place? Where'd he move?

Isn't it beautiful? The ocean
just makes you feel alive.

It might be nicer if the boat
were actually in the water.

You're ruining it.

Peek-a-boo!

Thanks for letting me
stay for breakfast. Isn't this fun?

- It's so fun.
- Oh, you are so nice.

- Tell your friends.
- Yeah, right.

I mean, if I told Deidre,
she'd be all over you.

This one time, on a booze cruise,
she was all, "Your boyfriend is tasty,"

- and I was all...
- Excuse me for one second.

Oh, my God!

So, booze cruise.

Right. So she was all,
"Your boyfriend is tasty... "

- Oh!
- I'm having a crisis.

Is this a real-crisis crisis

or my-feet-look-like-elephant-feet
type crisis, 'cause I know mine do.

I've got to take a shower
before my mani and pedi!

I hate my baby.

Oh, my God!

Well, that's been going on all day.

- Wow, he seems tense.
- Yeah.

All right. Let's go.

You know how I take a nap
every day from 10:00 to 11:45?

- Your life is better than mine.
- I know.

Anyway, I just had this dream
that I looked into Stan's stroller

and he was completely
made of chocolate. And...

- You ate your baby!
- We're just not connecting.

We have completely different tastes
in food, music and books.

And I just know, when he gets older,

he's gonna do something to drive
me crazy, like marry a poor person.

You want to go get Stan
and take him to an Italian ice place

- so you feel like he loves you again?
- Yeah.

I found barnacles and a starfish
in the cabin,

and it smells weird down there.

Yeah, well, this particular vessel
was underwater quite some time.

I'm not sure Jealous Much?
Is the right name for your boat.

This is a sweet jam. Travis,
take the bass, buddy, I'll hit the solo.

I'm good.

Hey, what's up, land lubbers?
Did somebody say "Keep on rocking?"

- See you in homeroom, Travis.
- I can't wait, Doug.

Hey, Dad, does this thing have an anchor
you could drive through my skull?

Nobody tells my wife I was here.

OK, OK. Mr. Torres,
do you believe this thing?

- It's even better than you said.
- Jealous, much?

Yeah!

Classic tune, turn it up!

Oh, Stanley.

- Look how much he loves me.
- You got something on your face there.

Oh, my God, look how disgusting
your nails are.

- Were you trapped in a well?
- I missed my appointment.

As of now, I've missed my waxing. Gonna
have to push Josh off till tomorrow.

- Oh, no, you were so excited.
- But what am I supposed to do?

I've got two hours,
that's barely time to moisturize.

I'll make appointments. Get going.

- Really? Oh, God. OK.
- Go!

- You think... I'm going, I'm going!
- Go, go!

I'm not sure I'm comfortable doing
the manicure while she's waxing you.

It's not about you
being comfortable, Lisa!

I'm on a sexual deadline here. Please
do me a solid and blow on that stick,

that stuff is crazy hot.
Lisa, use the same red as last time.

Let's go, people! Move it! Move it!

This'll only work
if you stay perfectly still.

- No problem.
- No one has ever done this!

Bring it! I'll be still.

Wow!

But that really is beautiful red!

Why the hell did I park so far away?

Damn it!

Hey, kid, grab my phone
and put it next to my ear.

It's OK, I know your mom.

- All right.
- Come on. Hurry.

- Hello?
- I went swimming at Dale's.

He thinks it's funny to take my clothes.

- Will you come get me?
- Do you really know my mom?

Yes, she's a very close friend.

Laurie, Dale lives, like,
30 minutes away.

Thanks to the world's first mani-waxi,
I have a shot at being ready tonight.

I am naked in someone's yard!

- Hey, baby!
- I hate you, Dale.

I'll be right there. Thanks.

- What's my mom's name?
- Betty.

I don't know. Just grab a dollar
when you put the phone back.

Wait, that's a 20! Whatever your mom's
name is, she didn't raise you right!

Chump.

Ow! Ow!

Come on up!

Hot, hot, hot!

I'm in here.

- Your door's locked.
- Damn it!

Ow!

I'm fine!
Just count to three and come in.

Ow. Ah.

- Hey, stranger.
- Wow.

- Oh.
- You OK?

I banged my foot
pretty badly when I fell,

but you can't see the blood
through all these bubbles.

- Good.
- So, you wanna join me?

- I did not realize how tall you are.
- This spigot's digging into my spine.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- You like it?
- It's pretty sweet.

- Be sure.
- I am.

OK.

Tag off. It's a keeper.

Let the tenth date begin.

- Wow. Wasn't that amazing?
- Yeah.

Wait. Was that high-pitched?

- What?
- Nothing.

On a scale from one to ten,
was that a nine?

Definitely.

- Was it a six?
- Way higher.

Son of a bitch!

Wh...

- He gave you a six?
- A six at best.

On a scale from one to ten?

Yes, Ellie!

Oh, boy, that's Josh again.
He keeps texting me frowny faces.

Honey, it was only one night.

Yes, but with the decorating,
and the counting down of the days,

and the buying stockings,
it was like a bad Christmas.

You were probably off your game.
It happens to all of us.

It's true. I'm not a great kisser.
I get all bitey.

It can kill the mood.
And really hurt people.

I never know
what to do with my hands.

Last night I caught myself
tapping the drumbeat

to We Didn't Start the Fire
on Andy's butt.

And if I don't have it, I just whip out
the girls. They're my safety nets.

Well, I did feel a little off. When
I was on top, my knee kept clicking.

Whenever I'm on top, I can't stop
thinking about what I look like.

It must look terrifying.

- Why is that song in your head?
- I don't know.

Hey, Bobby,
you and I get along so well,

maybe our sons
should start hanging out.

I'm 16 years older than your son,
Mr. Torres.

Hey, T-Man, why you laying down?

Because, Dad,
I don't want anyone to see me.

What you don't seem to understand
is that when you add together the

golf cart that you drive around town,
the super-fun fact that you mow lawns

at my school, and your new land boat,
well, I'd say you embarrass me a little.

And by "a little," I mean
more than any person, ever!

Now, I'm gonna crawl downstairs and grab
a hot soda. Do you want one? Mr. Torres?

Whoa. Body blow.

- I think you're amazing.
- Thanks, man.

Here are your drinks at 10:00
in the morning. Well done.

Your pie is on its way out.
You know it serves eight, right?

- I don't need the attitude.
- Oh, really? Because, thanks to you,

that ridiculous girl, Candee,
won't leave my house.

And that's "Candee" with two Es.

And no last name.

No last name!

That did cheer me up just a little bit.

Mmm.

- Hey.
- Travis is in one of his moods,

and you know I'm not very good
at talking to him.

All right. I'll handle it. Hey,
wait a minute. Was I good in bed?

Hell, yeah, J-Bird.

I mean, you remember that one time
on the beach in Key West?

Yeah, that wasn't me.

What about the time
on that putt-putt course?

Also not me.
Come on, Bobby, I need this.

I got it.

The best time ever
was when we made Travis.

Yeah.

- And when was that?
- Damn it!

All right, so I'm horrible in bed.

- No...
- Know what, that's OK.

Because, now, if I sleep with someone
and they choose to stay with me,

I'll know that it's not because
of the sex, it's because they like me.

For me.

- Where is that damn pie?
- No last name!

- Where you going?
- Stupid Bobby needs my help.

- All right, well, let's go. Yeah.
- Why? Where?

We live, like,
two minutes from the beach.

- When's the last time you were here?
- Nobody has time to go to the beach.

I come here every afternoon
when I tell you

I'm out seeing if our real estate signs
are still up.

- Oh, good.
- I take my afternoon naps here.

Oh, my God,
you sleep, like, 21 hours a day.

I know how to take care of myself
and you don't.

- I take care of myself.
- No.

Yesterday was supposed to be your day,

and you spent the entire time helping me
and Giant Safety Nets over here.

Speaking of which,
I may need a ride back to Dale's later.

We made up 'cause
he gave me my clothes back

and bought me this ankle bracelet.
He's so funny sometimes.

No, he's really not. And so what
if I get off on helping people?

Everybody has their thing they do that
makes them feel better about themselves.

I know you're probably impressed
with what you see.

That, Carol,
is total rejuvenation surgery.

Up here, I'm 48.

Below the belt, I'm 19.

Now, let's detail this Ferrari.

- Wow.
- Yeah. Wow.

Some people are just
doomed to hate themselves.

Why do I keep doing this?

Oh, yeah.

Me? I buy Italian ices
for my friend's baby,

and pick up my other friend from her
recently paroled loser boyfriend's.

- Did you not see the ankle bracelet?
- Yeah, it's horrible.

Jules, you spent the last 20 years
putting other people ahead of yourself.

It's OK to be selfish once in a while.

- Hello?
- Why haven't you called?

I'm at your place,
I was kind of hoping you'd be home.

Hold on. I have another call.

- Hello?
- Still waiting on the J-Bird.

You said you'd come help out
with Travis.

- Who is it?
- Don't worry about it.

I'll be right there.

Hey.

Oh, I thought you were Mom.

I hope I didn't make any mistakes
last night. I'm just...

OK, Josh, here's the deal.

You can come upstairs if you want to,

but I'm not gonna take a shower,
I'm not putting my hair down,

I'm not taking my sweatshirt off.
When I ask you to move to the left,

I'm talking about my left,
not your left.

- So are you in or you out?
- I'm totally in.

There's gonna be a part
that I need to concentrate,

so you're gonna have to be really quiet.

I might even ask you
not to take a breath for a little while.

Hey, look, I think we both know

that doing the "parent talk"
isn't exactly my strong suit.

No argument.

Oh, hell, I'm just gonna dive right in.

Look, I know you're embarrassed
by your old man.

You know what I think?

Tough nuggets, little dude.

I think it builds character. And
you're gonna stay with me every weekend

whether you like it or not,
because I love you.

Even when you're acting
like a little bitch.

Oh, and a quick tip:

The kids who don't care what other
people think always get the most tail.

You're welcome.

Nailed it!

- Jules, that was...
- Shh, shh, shh. It's still quiet time.

Sorry.

You know what, I wanna know
what you were gonna say.

That was amazing.

And you know a lot of curse words.

I'm sorry if I made it all about me.
I just felt like being a little selfish.

- Oh, that's cool.
- Is it cool, Josh? Is it?

Why don't you get the hell outta here
and let me get some sleep!

I'm kidding. I wanted to see
if I could pull that off.

- And you totally can.
- Yes!

Ahh.

- Hey, Jules, I was thinking...
- Shh, shh. Quiet time again.

- Hi.
- Hi, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Love you, Dad.

Oh, my God.
Did he just say, "I love you"?

I know. How gay is that?

But I really gotta thank you
for letting me handle this one.

It was really good for me.
And, as a thank you,

our top four experiences, in order:

That one time in the hammock
at your parents' house,

that one time in the stables,
that one time when we went camping,

and that one time in the theater
during Saving Private Ryan.

- Oh, Bobby.
- Right?

Three out of the four of those were us!

Nice!