Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 16 - What Are You Doin' in My Life? - full transcript

She's my age.

You really think
she's gonna buy this place?

I'm gonna show you how to close
on a 28-year-old.

Hey, Beth, let me
break this down for you, OK?

You're young,
you got a good career going.

You look like you're
ready to leap into adulthood.

But that's hard to do when
you still have to label your food

so your roomie doesn't steal it.

So true.

It's like she doesn't get what "Bitch,
don't touch my Pizza Rolls" means.

Yeah.



Beth, don't you feel like your
grown-up life should start here?

I mean, I can see you drinking wine
over there after you got engaged.

Or sitting quietly on
the balcony after your mom dies.

Why'd I go so dark?
Well, I can't help it.

Because this place is real.
I mean, this is a home.

This is your home.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Plus, they re-did the carpet, since the
previous owner was brutally murdered.

- Yeah, lots of blood.
- What?

Look at Jenny Jokester. [laughing]

- What the hell are you doing?
- [Whispering] Jules, I want this place.

- Really?
- I want to be a grown-up so bad.

My God, it's finally happened.
I'm so proud of you.

[Squealing]



- Why is this cupboard locked?
- That's where they found the head.

[Whispering] Yeah. Horrible.

What up, reading glasses? You get those
for your thousandth birthday?

You are the only one that finds
my deteriorating eyesight amusing.

Nuh-uh. Come on, J-Bird,
what'd we used to call Ellie

when she had that fake tan?

Uh... Thin? Beautiful?
I don't remember.

Chester Cheetah.
Blammo! [chuckling]

- You were orange.
- I was glowing.

Oh, ease up, Ellie. We're friends.
Friends zing each other.

Oh! We are not friends. Human beings
cannot be friends with chimps.

Sure they can. My buddy, Daryl, was
best friends with his chimp, Binky.

That's true. Until Binky turned six,

and then he got angry one day
and ripped off Daryl's nards.

Yeah, they're still friends,
but they're just not best friends.

- [Phone ringing]
- Hello?

What up, Grey's Anatomy?
Great show, by the way.

- Not ashamed to say it.
- [Grayson] Preaching to the choir.

Anyway, what's up?

I just won 200 bucks in my
basketball pool. What should we do?

How 'bout you come over here
and we'll pay off your giant bar tab.

[Laughing] Come on, man,
that tab's not real. It's just numbers.

Right now, you can
consider that money mine.

- Oh, man.
- [Cans rattling]

Hello!

- Hello?
- Hi.

[Laughing]

Hey! Whew! Sorry ma'am,
I just... I'm holding a lot of cash,

and I thought you were about to roll me.

- You thought right.
- Oh, fudge.

Thanks again for going
over my finances with me.

No problem.

You buy a lot of
tuna melts and breath mints.

It's a vicious cycle.

Laurie, you are way too old to have
pictures of actors on your folder.

Oh, but look at his abs.

- If he was two years older...
- [clicking]

- All right, fine. Five years.
- Try 20.

- Is he eight?
- Nope.

Zac Efron turned 22 on October 18th.

- What? I Googled him last night.
- Why?

Mrs. Zac Efron.

No reason.

Anyway, Laurie, you can
absolutely afford this condo.

There's just one problem.
Your credit sucks.

You can still get a loan,
you just need someone to co-sign.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, sweetie, I love you, but
I'd be watching every dime you spent.

I'd be like your mom,
and I so don't want that.

You're my younger sister,
I'm your slightly older sister.

- [Both clicking]
- Oh, just let me have it, guys.

[Giggling]

Hey, Trav, you know how you said
you needed money to take Kylie out?

Well, I will pay you to yank this off.

I tried the other arm
and I almost blacked out.

- Hmm-hmm.
- Come on, drop the hammer for mama.

Mom, there's got to be a line somewhere.
Doesn't there?

I mean, you're with me, right?

- [Ripping]
- Ow!

- Wow!
- I enjoyed that.

Great, I'll see you every nine days.

This couldn't get weirder.

- I'm keeping this.
- Standing corrected.

- [Phone ringing]
- Oh. Hey, Bobby.

Robbed?

- All right, here you go, honey.
- I wanna kill the bastard who hurt you.

I don't care if they
throw me in jail. I don't.

Sorry, babe, I'm ready to
throw my life away over this.

- I know, Boo Boo.
- What if you had been killed?

Travis wouldn't have a father.
I could not handle that.

I mean, sure, I'd get a lot
of sympathy and that would be nice.

Ooh, probably a lot of random hugs
from total strangers.

Why does someone have to die
for me to get random hugs?

- Doesn't seem fair.
- No.

You're taking this pretty well.

So are you, since it was
your money that got stolen.

- Excuse me?
- You said, consider that money yours.

Ergo, you got robbed.

- I love hillbilly logic.
- That's not how it works!

Somebody tell him
that's not how it works!

- Get a good look at the guy?
- Yeah. He had pretty lips.

- Wha?
- I kinda got mugged by a chick.

[Scoffing]

- She have a knife?
- No.

- A gun? A bat?
- No. No.

- Anything scary?
- Nope.

You let an unarmed girl take my money?

Oh! Y'all heard that, right?
He said "his" money.

- Yeah.
- We heard it.

- Now you chime in?
- Well, now it's fun.

Just to let you know, for the next
few days I plan on being indisposed.

- Going to see my...
- All right, freeze.

I don't want to hear your sex stories.

Because of you, I still can't use
yoga mats at the gym.

- Or eat chocolate-covered anything.
- I'm just going back to my dermo.

That's right, Cher,
Barb's gonna turn back time.

- [Door opening]
- Hello? May I help you?

No one was here, so I thought
I'd just do a little snoopin'.

I'm gonna need more than that.

Why do you have a Post-it here
that says "I'm awesome?"

Because I am.

All right, listen, you need to get
your crazy ass out of here right now,

or I'm gonna call plaza security and
they're gonna rollerblade over here

in, like, 40 minutes.

And if you try anything,
I'm gonna stab you in the neck

- with this clicky pen.
- [Door opening]

- Hi, Mom.
- Mom?

[Sighing] You're lucky.

So, Mom, I haven't seen you
since you ran off with that doctor.

I heard he got busted
for feeling up old ladies.

He got off. It was a classic case
of he said, they all said.

Let me say that your daughter, Laurie,
is just amazing. She really is.

She's my friend and, hell,
you're more than my friend.

[Both chuckling]

Shut up!

Are you two lesbians?
Which one's the dude?

We're not lesbians, Mom.

- I mean, she'd be the dude.
- What?

Oh, come on,
I could totally see us dating.

We'd be like Ellen and Portia.

- I call Portia!
- I call Portia.

So, did you talk to your mom
about co-signing for the condo?

Not yet. But, hey,
thanks for jumping in.

Wow, I'm sorry.
I am gonna leave you two.

OK.

Oh, my God, Laurie, your butt
looks amazing in those jeans!

- Thanks.
- Bye, Ellen.

I'm gonna be Portia.

Are you still grouchy
about my alleged tab?

[Gasping] Oh!

Head-fake.
Good bye, delicious beer.

Hmm...

- [grunting] Hmm!
- That's hateful.

I felt bad about you getting mugged,
so I bought you some stuff.

A rape whistle, to help you
ward off other scary lady muggers.

Some of that yogurt
that makes old gals poop.

That stuff really works, like, boom!

- And some tampons.
- Ooh! Awesome!

If I put these in the machine in
the ladies' room, can I get some nachos?

[Scoffing]

- How are you not embarrassed?
- Sorry, Ellie, can't be done.

It's true. This is a guy whose
main goal in life is to party so hard

he craps his pants in every country.

I already knocked off
America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

That's nice.

[Doorbell ringing]

Hello? Barb?

I responded to your ad
for an errand boy.

There's money and a list on the table.
When you return, knock like this.

And wait 80 seconds for me
to return to the shadows.

Are you gonna murder me?

I've done things to myself. Things your
sweet, young eyes shouldn't see.

This is weird.

So, my mom can't co-sign.

- Her job's not going great.
- What does she do?

She pretends that people
back their cars into her.

Whatever, just not the
right time for me to buy a condo.

My mom's in crazy debt. I think I'm just
gonna help her get back on her feet.

Laurie, no. That's your money.
You tell your mom...

OK, could we just maybe not have this
conversation in front of everyone?

All right, don't feel weird. We all have
our embarrassing family members.

Hello!

That wasn't a coincidence, I was
out back waiting for an entrance line.

My dad drank himself to death.

That's not embarrassing.
That's horrible.

- He peed his pants a lot.
- That's a little funny.

[Chuckling] My brother was a cheerleader
and he wears kimonos all the time.

So you have a gay brother. Big deal.

Rick's not gay.

He's got a taffy shop up
in Vermont with his roommate, Steve.

- Oh, he is gay.
- You think?

Yeah, that's cool.

The point is we
all have "that" relative.

But you cannot get sucked up
in their craziness.

- They will take you down with them.
- Jules, it's my mom.

Honey, just please
try to stay out of this, OK?

- Yeah, but...
- No "yeah, buts."

- Just promise.
- Yeah, but...

- [groaning] All right, fine. I promise.
- Thank you.

- [Clinking]
- Ooh!

- [Clinking]
- [Both] Penny-can!

Grayson, you're gonna love
the new penny-can rule Bobby made.

You have to sing
when someone makes it.

I don't care. We're gonna pay off
your bar tab today, one way or another.

You gotta have something on here
that's worth something. Does this work?

It works as a container
for old envelopes.

If you're putting on a play,
it makes a good prop toaster.

- [Clinking]
- [All] Penny-can!

You're right. I love it.

You know, Bobby...

...the mugger, she's got your wallet
so she knows where you live.

Don't you worry. I got protection.

To scare off intruders,
I bought a barking dog CD.

Ooh. Rim shot.

Ah! Ow!

- New rim shot rule.
- I like it.

- [Clinking]
- Ooh!

Let's go.

Oh.

Hi, Sheila. It's nice to, uh...

- Hello.
- I'm having a "Me Day."

New clothes. New makeup. Lookie,
permanent eyeliner. You can touch it.

- No, I trust you.
- No, it's not going anywhere.

OK, please let me stop.

So you're Laurie's mom. I'm Ellie.

- Are you a friend of Laurie's, too?
- I'm Ellie.

- You have nice hair. See ya.
- Well, she's not that bad.

Come on, she is out
spending Laurie's money.

I think Laurie would
want me to say something.

Well, I'm gonna do it.
Put the brows down.

[Uneven knocking]

[Speaking French] Entrez.

Got your pain killers.

My will is fading.

I'm sure it's not bad. Let me see.

No. Innocence should be
lost in the bedroom,

- or on a commercial cruise liner.
- I can handle it. Promise.

Be kind.

- [Rattling, banging outside]
- Hello? Someone out there?

I've got a vicious dog. Don't I, boy?

Damn!

[Grunting]

- [Yelling]
- [Purring]

[Laughing]

[Screaming]

- Give me all your money!
- What the...

[all yelling]

I don't like when people scare me!
It makes me feel dumb.

Dumb like embarrassed? I thought
you couldn't be embarrassed.

[Growling]

Why are there dogs
singing Christmas carols?

That's a fancy oven. How'd you
get someone to buy it for you?

You must have a sugar coochie.

I might have a sugar coochie.
But I paid for that oven.

Why'd you ask me over here?

Look, Laurie is in a place
in her life right now

where she can stand
on her own two feet.

I know, as a mom, you don't
want to get in the way of that.

You have no right to judge me.
I raised her.

I paid for perms, candy cigarettes,
real cigarettes. She owes me.

Now I'm getting mine.

You know, I don't
normally say mean things.

I think them, I write them on
scrap paper and put them in my purse.

I read them, at night to the mirror,
and pretend I actually am saying them.

But, with you, I'm making an exception.

Now, there is only one
good mom standing in this room,

and her middle name is, unfortunately,
Kiki. That's a long, sad story.

- The point is, you're a horrible mom.
- Jules!

- You promised.
- Yeah, but...

Oh, crap.

It's not my fault, Laurie.

I was being nice, but then
she stepped to me in my kitchen.

- Nice try, Kiki.
- Don't you dare.

I love Laurie, even if her being born
was the reason her Daddy left.

- Who says that?
- It's true. Daddy got his, though.

Never got re-elected
State Treasurer again.

Who's laughing now,
real wife and kids?

See, Laurie's already got me,
so stop trying to be her mom.

We've already been over this.
I'm more like her slightly older sister.

[Clicking]

What the hell,
is this a family gesture?

I'm out of here.

Laurie? Are you coming?

I'm sorry, Jules.

So I got to get my niece home, because
I never cleared it with her parents.

- You all right, princess?
- Man, hit the bricks.

[Cackling]

I get why she's picking on me, but you?
My guys? My Murdock and Face?

Until you pay your tab,
I have no loyalty to you.

Hmm.

- What about you, Face?
- How's he Face? He's...

Ellie thought it'd be good for me
to see you knocked off your pedestal.

Andy, I forgive you, brother.

How's he Face?

- You can open your eyes.
- I don't think I can.

Stop being such a baby.

A chemical peel is nothing more
than a second-degree burn

- induced by concentrated acid.
- You look like a grape.

- Does it hurt?
- Like a thousand sons of bitches.

- Barb... I'm so sorry.
- Thanks, kiddo.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I know you probably don't want to
ever see me ever again after yesterday,

but I wanted to come in. So...

What are you talking about?
Hey, I got us some donuts.

- What's wrong?
- I can't believe you don't hate me.

Hate you?
Oh, my God, that is so sad.

Now you're gonna make me cry, too.

Oh, crap, I think
I just want it too much.

[Laughing]

- Look, that's your mom.
- Yeah.

I'm on your side. I love you.

You are so supportive,
and amazing and...

Wait. That was your
whole strategy, wasn't it?

To be so super nice that I would just
handle this the way you wanted me to,

- to make you happy.
- It's pretty genius, isn't it?

- [Chuckling]
- I made you dance.

[Both making clicking noises]

I don't get it.

- You don't let anyone walk over you.
- Jules, my mom is scary.

My whole life she convinced me

that I wasn't good enough
to do, well, anything.

Plus, she fights dirty.

She knows the exact place to
punch a person to make them throw up.

- It's actually really bad-ass.
- No matter what, I'm with you.

- Now come here.
- Aw...

Tears. I still got it.

Why are you following me?

I don't work, so I thought I'd spend
the day drinking in your embarrassment.

It's so delicious.

Hey! Don't do that.

A woman in there thinks
she can tell my daughter how to act.

Lady, just chill out, all right?

Puke punch!

Oh! [groaning]
God, it's gonna come up!

- What the hell are you doing?
- Don't bother me.

[Scoffing]

Are you crazy?

There've been so many times in my life
that I've wanted to stand up to her.

Gosh! Do you think she, at all,
wants to be a better person?

[Gasping] Holy crap!

All right, come on, bitch.
I'm beggin' ya.

- What are you, a Latin King?
- Mom, what the hell are you doing?

- I saw you hugging that woman.
- "That woman" happens to be my family.

And so are they.
Well, you know, he is, anyway.

[Gagging] Does it ever stop?

God, I love you,
but I'm so sick of your crap.

Look. When you're ready
to be with me for me

and not because you
need something, like money,

or urine for your parole officer,
I will be right here.

You win.
I hope you're happy.

OK... because that's
what this is all about.

[Exhaling deeply]

- Go ahead, Jules.
- Yes!

Man, Andy.
You should have seen your wife.

[Chuckling] She's a fighter.

Yep, she always wins
when we sex wrestle.

- Really?
- Oh, come on, I can share that.

It's not like we wear masks or anything.

Well, I don't.

You know what I just realized, Ellie?

You took the time to pull a prank on me,
and you had my back in a fight.

That's friend stuff.
We're friends again, aren't we?

- [Gasping]
- Andy, out.

- I don't want him wetting the floor.
- Say we're friends.

Look, since you and Jules got divorced,
I have noticed some changes.

I think you're a good father,

I think you're trying to be
a less ridiculous person, so, fine.

Maybe we're closer to being...

- I'm your friend.
- Yes, you're my friend.

Yes! [giggling]

Oh! I am alive again!
I see colors! I smell...

Don't peek. Don't peek. Don't peek.

All right. Surprise!

Honey, if you want me to work over
the weekend, you just have to ask.

No. These are the
closing papers on your condo.

- I co-signed your loan.
- Jules, no. It's too much.

- No, honey, I wanted to.
- Thank you.

It's over! It's over!
The feud has ended.

[Giggling] Oh! They're friends again!

I'm sorry, Barb.
I don't know what Spanx are,

but I know I don't
want to help you put yours on.

OK, bye.

You know why I feel sorry for her?
It's because she's all alone.

She's got kids,
but she won't ask them for help

because she's not comfortable
feeling vulnerable around them.

Let's never let that be us, OK?

It's time again.

- Oh, please God, no.
- Grayson's not home.

And you don't have to pull them off.

Just hold on to the tape
and I'll run away.

[Sighing]

One, two...

- [ripping]
- Ow!

[Whimpering]