Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 11 - Rhino Skin - full transcript

All right, a couple of beers
and a white wine

with half an ice cube for Princess.

Jules, I am liking the new boyfriend.

Ever notice how you can tell how a guy
is in bed just by looking at him?

For sure.
That guy screams out his own name.

That guy doesn't make love.
He makes lo-ove.

Ooh.

Hey, dude.

Slow down. We actually like it
longer than five seconds.

It's a stupid game.

That guy over there is clumsy in bed



but he tries really hard
and he's very well-endowed.

- Who's that?
- Hey, gang.

Hey. Congratulations.

Thank you. For what?

See, that's why dating
is easier for women.

You know what you're getting.

It is hard to be
a single man out there.

No, it is much harder
to be a single woman.

So much harder!
Do you guys read Cathy?

Look, when it comes to sex,
women are the gatekeepers.

That's why it's easier for you.

You get to decide when and
if it's happening and, in fact,

if you were to call a total stranger,
ask him to have sex, he will say yes.

- Please.
- No, he wouldn't.



- I would.
- I'm gonna do it.

OK, here we go.

And speakerphone.

Loser picks up the tab.

I like that.

- Hello?
- Oh, God.

- Um, hi.
- Hi.

Will you have sex with me?

No.

- Eh, sure.
- Oh!

Whoo-hoo!

- Yes.
- You were right.

OK. What's your deal, man?

I think you need to look deeper.
Honey, you deserve more than that.

Oh, shorts and a little
blue button-down. Why?

OK. It's really strange that
you're still talking to that guy.

I thought it'd be fun
to play a little SCRABBLE.

- Oh, SCRABBLE. OK.
- Hm-hm.

Or, we could... spell this.

You sexed up Jeff because you
didn't want to play SCRABBLE?

You love SCRABBLE.

But Jeff, he's like
Good Will Hunting smart.

If Matt Damon weren't married
and if he weren't a movie star

and if he lived in this town,
I really think we would date.

- That's a lot of "ifs."
- Yet, not enough.

I'm just not ready
for Jeff to know how dumb I am.

- I mean, not yet.
- Oh, yeah. No.

You know why I dig my girlfriend?

It's because from day one she's
been completely honest with me

about who she is.

Travis, let me teach you
a little something about women.

When a girl starts to date a guy...
I mean, at first,

she likes to let him think
that she's a certain way

or that she likes certain things,
like superhero movies or morning sex.

But then, you get married,
and the mask comes off

and you find out what
your wife is really like.

Ta-da!

There's something sweet
and soft about you, Mrs. Torres.

- Thank you.
- We have to go to the dermatologist.

- You have to meet with our banker.
- No.

Yes! I want you to wear
that suit I picked out,

but this time
put a shirt under it.

Sha!

All right. We're off to
the meanest doctor in the world.

- She is the worst.
- If she's the worst, why go to her?

Because she's the best. Der.

Do you think every single
person is here for Botox?

Welcome to the time machine, ladies.

Which of the many fine doctors
here are you seeing?

- Uh, Dr. Evans. You?
- The other 12.

See you in two days when
I emerge from my chrysalis.

- Dr. Evans is so scary.
- What is your strategy to deal with her?

I'm totally submissive.

I avoid eye contact,
keep my head down

and mumble softly
at any direct questions.

I'm gonna go with straight-up nice.

First, I'm gonna hit her
with a "great hair,"

then I'll knock her back
with a "you smell nice!"

And finally,
"You've got a sexy, smoky voice."

And then... ka-bam!

- I've killed her with kindness.
- You've got your guns with you.

Yeah, I brought them.

- You know why I love your way?
- Why?

It's so who you are. Hell, I'm a strong
person, I'm gonna be strong, too.

Ellie Torres?
Where is Ellie Torres?

- I'm right here, Dr. Evans.
- Did you just say something?

- No, I didn't. I'm sorry.
- All right, go to my office.

You've got a smoky, sexy voice.

OK, you need to take your "perky" dial

and turn it down
a few thousand notches.

OK, normally I would
kick you out of my office

but you've got a lot of things
going on here,

which is good 'cause momma
needs a new steam shower.

Any questions?

No, I'm gonna wait right here.

- You smell nice.
- That's the smell of confidence.

Wow, I've never seen you wear
so few colors at once.

I feel like that lady that comes
to your house every six months

when you're a kid and decides whether
or not you get to keep living there.

- Can I get a beer?
- Ooh, get me one, too.

Whoa! And you in a suit?
What is going on?

Black is white, yin is yang, hot
is cold, DeVito's tall, Jon is Kate.

Seriously, if you pay for this,
I think my heart will stop.

You're safe.
My new girlfriend bought this for me.

Sweet deal. She buys me things,
and in return, when we're in the sack,

I try to hang in there
for longer than five minutes.

I have to go.
I have a stupid meeting at the bank.

Well, aren't all meetings
at banks a little stupid?

Why is that funny?

- You OK?
- It's been a while since I wore a tie.

I keep thinking someone's
trying to strangle me.

So I was thinking about getting some
Botox but I want to keep a natural look.

What would you do?

I wouldn't do anything, but obviously,
I don't get work done on my face.

I'm not judging, it's just...

I guess I just feel
secure enough as a woman

that I don't need
to inject poison into my head.

- But that's just me.
- Well, it's nice not to judge.

OK, I'll look over here.

- You have a lot of degrees.
- I'm a doctor. That's how it works.

Where did you go to school?

Well, I started at UF, and then
I took a little break to have a baby.

- When did you get your degree?
- I'm currently still on break.

But I started my own business.
I'm in real estate.

Oh, I got my real estate
license online one morning

when I was trying to
avoid fees for my second home.

Yeah, but I get it. I get it.

Real estate's what you do when you
have no other options, you know?

I guess it's like being a stripper,

except you get to
see your face on a bus bench.

Well, not this face, of course,
but the airbrushed version.

When you string that
many mean thoughts together,

I lose my breath just a little bit.

Well, this is gonna
burn like a mother.

It was, uh, nice meeting you.

- My name's Smith.
- Laurie. Laurie.

I mean, I thought he was cute, but what
kind of a tool goes by his last name?

- Right?
- Smith is his first name.

That's a first-name-last-name situation?
I love those.

Smith's family owns that
giant house over on Rose Street.

- The one that looks like a hotel.
- Wait, that hotel?

It's actually a house.

- The one that's next to the hotel?
- We are not getting anywhere here.

- Look, the dude is loaded.
- Message received, my friend.

Smith!

Hey, little man.

Heard Ellie and the gang
dropped some knowledge on you.

Apparently, all women are liars.

Does this mean my girlfriend
doesn't love my short stories?

Of course not, Trav. Nobody does.
Do you really want to understand women?

I feel like this is
heading to a bad place.

- I'm gonna teach you about women.
- There it is.

Look at me. I'm a schlubby guy,
yet I got a hot wife.

I made that happen.
See that guy over there?

He's better looking than me,
but his wife is not as hot as mine.

If we were to make eye contact,
he'd know who won.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, babe.

Yeah, that's right, bitch.

This is the last time
I bring your mail over.

Ah... Bill, bill...

- Hey, you look a little, uh...
- Younger? Prettier?

- All right.
- Well, I better.

I had the worst morning
with this evil doctor.

She was like
Queen Bitch of the Universe.

- Oh, come on!
- I like "Queen Bitch."

It makes me sound
like leader of the gays.

Cougar Town 1x11 - Rhino Skin

Well, this is a surprise of some sort.

I met Robert at the golf course.
I lost my putter and he found it.

She got pissed off and threw it into
that nasty pond on the third hole.

I dove in and got it.

In return, Amy treated
my bite from an angry goose.

You see, goose saliva
is full of bacteria.

Yes, I know that, Dr. Evans.

I may not have your fancy degrees,
but I know about a lot of things.

I didn't realize that
goose spit was such a touchy area.

- Now you know.
- Calm down, J-Bird.

After all, you're the one
who busted in on us.

You know, if the boat's a' rockin'...

- Please don't finish.
- It's fun to finish.

- You'll live.
- You certainly have a lot to say.

- What is your relationship?
- I'm his ex-wife.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

I think I missed
a few deep frown lines.

Well, I'll come by on Monday.

I'm closed Monday.

Don't come a-knockin'.

Sorry.

- So, you up for going out tonight?
- Sure, Smith.

I swear, if I ever have a white baby,
I am totally naming him Smith.

Thanks... I guess.

I was thinking we could go
to this political fundraiser

- that my family's throwing.
- Yay! I love those!

I can't go to some political thing
at a country club.

I don't know how to act.

Aw, it's just like Pretty Woman.

Actually, it's more like Mystic Pizza,

but either way I get
to be Julia Roberts, so, bite me.

Well, then let's see
that little Julia toothy smile.

I'm gonna teach you about womanhood.

But I want you to think from here.
Not here.

And never, ever here.

Please stop doing that.

Now, Ellie's skin doctor
made her feel old.

And when a woman's
in a vulnerable place,

they're like a cornered badger,
ready to lash out.

Observe.

Andy, this is where we eat.

You may be the dumbest person
I've ever met up close.

Sorry, babe!

- She just crushed you.
- Yeah, but she overreacted.

Later, she'll feel guilty,
and that's gonna work for me.

Oh, and what is this?
Her favorite necklace.

Now, what do you think
I should do with this?

Give it back to her?

No, we're gonna put
that in this pencil box.

That's gonna come back later.
Come on. We've got a big day. Big day.

She thinks she's
so much better than me.

You know she's giving Bobby
the same superior attitude.

- Why do you even care?
- I feel bad.

Bobby's just such a kind,
beautiful man.

If you want to have sex with him,
I can drive you.

- No, I'm good for now.
- Nice edge, Jeffie.

- You like that?
- Oh, I do.

- I bet you do.
- You know I do.

Your banter's starting
to sound a little sexual.

You're the one
fantasizing about your ex-husband.

Ooh, he's the jealous type.
How fun is that?

So fun. Here's a crazy notion.

Why not just let the guy
live his own life?

Maybe.

- We need to talk.
- Oh, happy day.

So those are the main differences
between Democrats and Republicans.

I just wish you
could make it simpler.

Uh, donkey likes hybrids,
health care and homosexuals.

And Elephant likes God.

I saw an elephant
pray at a circus once.

Wow, that's... relevant.

So, both of our votes
count the same, right?

- Yeah, it's a... It's a great system.
- I think it works.

You want to know
why I'm with Bobby?

- Yes!
- He makes me feel like a kid again.

I've never been with a man
who could do that.

- Really?
- No.

He has nice hair
and he's good in the sack.

- He is great in the sack.
- He's not.

- But he tries really hard.
- He doesn't.

I know, what is the deal with that?

Seriously, dude, stop watching
the game and get in the game.

But what do you want?

All right, this is not
a serious relationship for you.

- You need to move on.
- Are you threatening me?

- I said...
- I heard you.

- I just haven't decided yet.
- Well, you have my number.

So, why don't you call me
when you know?

OK, I decided. Back off.

- Well done.
- Thank you.

Hey, Mom. What's up?

I just got done kicking
some skin doctor ass.

That's what's up. Hold on.

This is good for you to see.

- Can you forget that was your mom?
- No problem.

When a woman has just dominated
another woman, she feels ferocious.

This is a great time to ask for sex.

Mom's sort of creeping
back into my head.

I never said this was gonna be easy.
Come on.

Why am I still following?

- I thought you two were friends.
- That's crazy talk.

We only interact when Jules is around.

Otherwise, we've agreed to keep
a six-foot buffer between us. Watch.

Hey, that's a neat trick.
So, where's Jules?

Well, she's off convincing
Dr. Evans to stop using Bobby.

Bobby doesn't mind being used.
He calls it "getting sponsored."

You can't embarrass the guy.

He even borrowed an aquarium
from me to use as a boat toilet.

You might want to let him keep that.

Regardless, even Bobby
can end up looking like a fool

if he dates too far out of his league.

Hey, shouldn't you
get going to your date?

Screw it. I'm not going.

- I gave her the what for.
- What does that even mean?

I don't know, but I did it.

- That woman is running scared.
- What?

Hey, J-Bird!

We just came by to pick up Trav,
but he's not here.

Hi, Jules!
Oh, you need more Chardonnay.

And better Chardonnay.

- Running scared.
- You better run scared.

That woman thinks she can come into
my house and drink my cheap wine.

Well, why doesn't
she just drop Bobby?

- Does he have an awesome peep?
- I've told you this a thousand times.

- No man has a truly awesome peep.
- They're like unicorns.

I just want to believe one exists.

Hey, Jules?

- Unicorn?
- Nope.

I feel like something
bad just happened.

- Ready to go to the movies?
- Change of plans. Come with me.

So, why'd you bail on Richie Rich?

Please.

He only asked me out because
he thought I was some upper-crust,

suit-wearing, business gal.

Smith wasn't attracted to you
because he thought you were couth.

Grayson, that is a word
that only women are allowed to use

when they're really angry
with another woman.

"Couth," you know, like,
the opposite of, of "uncouth."

Right. Because if I didn't
know what "couth" meant,

putting an "un" in front of it
makes it perfectly clear.

- Who's dumb now?
- Obviously, I am.

- Hey, Laurie.
- Not now, Travis.

What the hell did I do?

It's a classic case
of misplaced lady-rage.

We've been over this.
What do you do?

Figure out what she's mad at
and then blindly agree with her.

Good. Now, use your senses.
Where is her anger stemming from?

Hey, Laurie. Grayson is such a jerk.

Right? Trav, you're the best.

I am so proud right now.

- Well, this is nice, right?
- It's heartwarming.

To see divorcees without boundaries...

Well, you dropped by my place
so we just thought we'd drop by here.

- Can I get another vase of wine?
- Comin' up.

- Thanks.
- Jules?

- I'm good for a few minutes.
- I see what's happened.

I bring out your insecurities
in a way that exacerbates

an already borderline codependent
relationship with your ex-husband.

- Oh, it exacerbates it.
- Stay calm.

Pipe down, Jeff.
Just be happy that you're here.

That's gonna be easy.
I'm thrilled I'm here.

Look, I know you're super book-smart,

but I happen to be something
called street-smart.

Yeah, that's what people who didn't
go to college always say they have.

I got a crap-ton of street-smarts.

You know what else I have, Amy?
Common sense.

That's the voice that should tell you
not to be an ass when you're sitting

- on the edge of a land-boat.
- Why don't you show me

- where the bathroom is. Come on.
- It's right there.

Just look for the aquarium.

Oh, look, it's Professor Vocabulary.

Let me explain something to you,
tough girl.

Smith didn't walk over to you
because he thought you looked classy.

He walked over because he saw your butt,
boobs and face, in that order.

And no man in the history
of the universe has ever said,

"You know, I met this really cool,
stone-cold hottie,

but I don't want to get naked
and do awful things to her

because she doesn't know
about politics."

Do you really think he
wants to do awful things to me?

- Who wouldn't?
- Thanks, Grayson.

That is super couth of you.

- Did I use it right?
- Close enough.

I'm angry and I just
peed in a fish tank.

I'm sorry I brought you here.

No, I love that your
ex-husband lives on a boat.

There is no possible way
I can let you down.

I like this guy, he's funny.

How could this woman
not be driving you crazy?

She thinks she's so much
better than you.

If I got mad at everyone who thought
they were better than me,

I wouldn't have any time to do stuff.

She talks down to everyone.
She thinks she's smarter than me.

Smarter than I. Which one is it?

- It's...
- No. Don't you dare answer.

I know that you think you're super
important because you went to Harvard,

but no one really cares.

- I didn't go to Harvard.
- Well, in my head, you did.

And you're also
the captain of the crew team.

- This is a weird day.
- Get used to it, Jeffrey.

You have a chip on your shoulder
for people who act smart, don't you?

- That is ridiculous.
- Fine.

- I mean, I could have finished college.
- Oh, I know. I know.

I only had, like, three
and three-quarter years left.

Why am I so insecure about this?

- It's just so stupid.
- It's OK.

Hey, this is good stuff for me to know.

Are there any other quirks
that I might run into?

Take her to an Italian restaurant.
She'll slide right into their accent.

Your daughter has a moustache.

What? They like it when you do that.

Well, it's incredibly rude,
even for hillbillies,

to leave me up there alone.

- Oh, she is horrible.
- Right?

- Are you going to defend me?
- Do I have to?

Just bring up some more wine.
My mustard jar is empty.

I am tired from sharing my gift.

Are you a genius?

Baby? Are you looking for your necklace?
I found it in the shower.

Big glob of conditioner was
about to suck it down the drain.

Thank you. I'm so sorry
I barked at you this morning.

I've been feeling so bad about it.

But babe, I promise
to make it up to you tonight.

Hm...

- Ooh.
- Ooh!

Travis, women will always drive us nuts.

But have compassion, for they only
behave that way to protect themselves.

They date men they feel superior
to so they can't get hurt.

Bobby, how am I supposed
to give you a proper exam

when you have your gown on backwards?

Do I?

For some reason
I'm craving tea right now.

They almost miss out on stuff
they feel they aren't good enough for.

- That is impressive.
- I know.

- Hey, what is your last name?
- Frank.

What?

You have a last-name-first-name
and a first-name-last-name?

- Take me home right now.
- OK.

- Go.
- Here we go, "utopian."

That's seven letters.
Your turn.

But once in a while, they find
the courage to just be themselves.

- And it's worth the wait.
- OK, here's the deal.

I'm gonna use a lot
of three letter words.

Some you'll recognize,
some you won't.

Because they may or may not be real.

- I'm OK with that.
- OK.

Z-l-T, "zit."

Nice! And you used the "z"
on a triple letter square.

- Yes, I did, Jeff.
- Which takes you into the lead.

Uh-oh! There's an earthquake
here on Bed Island.

- My goodness! Whoa, do you feel it?
- Why did you do that?

I thought I'd quit while I was ahead.

Come here.

- That looks good.
- Hm... It is.

- You want to taste?
- I really do.

- Then come get one.
- OK, I really don't like this joke.

Sorry.

Hm...

- Hm...
- Are they that good?

- Hm-hm.
- OK.

- Oh...
- Hm...

Hm?

Hm...

All right, now I don't like this joke.