Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - Mystery Man - full transcript

Off!

Ah! I don't like you!

Why does everyone in this cul-de-sac

think it's OK to let
their stupid dogs run loose?

It's like Calcutta out there!
What are you doing?

Trying to round up any crap I can find
to re-gift this Christmas.

Like this gem. Last year's present
from Bobby's uncle.

- Racist Uncle or Drug Dealer Uncle?
- Racist Uncle.

- Drug Dealer Uncle is now Prison Uncle.
- Right, because of Detective Cousin.

- I miss Bobby's family.
- Morning.

Wow, if you're wondering,
you're too comfortable.



It's hot, I'm gonna go hop in your pool.

Hey, you know what's funny?
Funny ha-ha and funny err?

I slept in a red T-shirt, and yet
there's a bit of blue lint in here.

Don't you dare smell that.

- Oh, good, now it's on my floor.
- And no swimming.

Jules and I are going to spin class,
you gotta take care of Stan.

So when he gets up, you gotta change
his diaper and then get him dressed.

- Don't think I could figure that out?
- I really don't.

Fine. Oh, I love this. Can I have it?

Sure, but it counts
as your Christmas present.

Deal. I am a saucy bitch.
Bink!

Oh, Laurie's showing a house.

I have to remind her not to
describe everything as "slammin'."

So, this room is totally slammin'.



And by slammin', I mean great.
It's a great room.

I'm fine without all the "blah-blah."

I've already seen the house a few times.

A few times? I've got a few toe rings,
I've got a few dads,

I've been involved
in a few domestic disputes.

You've seen this eight times.

- That's officially a butt-load.
- What, uh... What can I do to fix this?

- Oh, OK, well...
- No, I'm kidding. I don't care.

Come on, Blah-Blah,
show me that kitchen again, huh?

Come on, Blah-Blah. Come on.

Oh, it's crowded. Let's do that thing
where we sit on the rowing machines

- without rowing and watch TV.
- Oh, we can't.

I have my spinning outfit on,
not my fake rowing outfit.

- What's the difference?
- Wristbands, thicker undies.

Morning, chicas.
Drink in my new outfit.

- Barb, you look like a bobsledder.
- Well, I have sledded down a few Bobs.

- Hey, I see some new faces.
- Dwayne's the best.

He's got a magical way

- of motivating people.
- Oh?

Saddle up, you fat, lazy cows!

Try harder, Carol!

Ah! Isn't this great? Drinking
a refreshing cup of joe on a boat.

Like we're in one of those
fancy coffee commercials.

The old boat-in-a-parking-lot
coffee commercial. Classic.

Whoa! A little pricklier
than usual, Graystoke.

But you're still looking good, handsome.

God was not multi-tasking
when he made you.

He wasn't building mountains, making
chickens and what-not. He was focused.

- How did we get here?
- I don't know. Why you so down?

I have something on my mind
and I don't wanna talk about it.

You know what might
make you feel better?

My buddy put a chainsaw on the end
of his rifle, kind of like a bayonet.

What do you say we head down for a day
of shooting things and slicing them up?

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm up for
playing with someone's rifle-saw.

Rifle-saw? That's a much
better name for the saw-fle.

Spin Class Guy was so hot.
I wanted to be his bike seat.

Oh. Hey, you need to move because
if this area is going to work again,

it needs to sit.

- That's not going to happen.
- Oh, no way.

Travis, take me upstairs
and put me in a hot bath.

That's a sentence I was hoping
not to hear until you were 70.

Here's your boy. You want to
check him over, make sure he's OK?

You want me to trust you more with Stan?
How about you take him today?

- No instructions, nothing.
- You really gonna trust me?

- I really am. Bye.
- Thanks, hon. That means a lot.

- Aw, that was sweet.
- She didn't mean it though.

She wants to trust me,
it's just not in her.

She's always going to freak out
if I bathe him wrong

or feed him wrong
or pretend he's a top hat.

- 'Allo, guv'nor.
- Incoming.

Forgot my purse.

Always look out for the purse.
They leave it behind like a little spy.

He called me "Blah-Blah." I swear
to God, Jules, I would've killed him,

but then we'd never sell,
no one wants to buy a murder house.

Except for my older sister, Tina.
She regrets it now.

She says her house
is haunted by a professor

who turns her clothes inside out
and steals yogurt.

Sometimes Tina lies for attention, but
this time, I don't know, I believe her.

There is just too much proof.

I'm gonna take a giant leap back
to the first sentence you said.

Look, Jeff is annoying,
but we're in the service business.

You know, one of the things I've learned
as an award-winning real estate agent...

You talking about that
"Green Business" certificate we got

- for changing our light bulbs?
- It's an award.

The point is,
we don't let our clients rattle us.

- Oh! Jeff always rattles you.
- No, he used to.

Then my shrink told me to think of him
as a tiny little man,

who wears tiny little pants,
who sometimes twirls a tiny little cane

- in his tiny little hand.
- Your shrink sounds amazing.

He's a genius.

So, now, Tiny Pants
can do whatever he wants to,

because all I do is think about
my commission with a smile on my face.

The house feels empty.

That could be because
it actually is empty.

Maybe. You look bored.
Go play with your phone.

- Is she allowed to talk?
- I don't encourage it.

If I'm gonna buy this place,

I want to see how it feels with
my furniture in here. Let's do that.

Did he just order me
to do something by waving his hand?

- Tiny pants, Jules, tiny pants.
- Right.

- What?
- Oh, nothing. Just...

- In my head you have on tiny pants.
- These are big pants.

- In my head they're tiny.
- They're not.

Yeah, it does seem impossible, Jules.
Those are pretty big pants.

They're tiny because
in my head Jeff is very tiny!

No, I'm, I'm big in your head.
I'm like a giant.

Don't you dare tell me
what the size of things are in my head!

- I call the shots up here.
- Yeah, this is Jules' world.

You can't get in here, which means
you can't get to me. Is that clear?

Big pants, big belt,
big shirt, big shoes.

All right, that's it! You can't buy
the house! Because I won't let you!

I'm gonna buy the house and I'm
gonna burn it! I'm gonna burn it all!

- Are you finished?
- Yeah.

- Let's go see the kitchen again.
- Please.

Jeff thinks he's in my head.
He is so not in my head.

Oh, of course not.
Is that Spin Class Boy?

Oh, my God! He must be
a jeans model for that cheesy store.

Or he loves his body and lives his life
shirtless no matter what anyone thinks.

Like Matthew McConaughey.

Oh, how fun would it be to go to a movie
with a guy like that?

- He would look so great at a movie.
- So go ask him out.

Oh, I can't.
He's way too young for me.

That pause was so one of you'd
jump in and say, "No, he's not."

Fine.

He is young,

but, um, I can sense from here
that he's an old soul.

I can too.

Well, there you go.
I have to make a call.

Stan's fine. Quit checking up on me.
I know how to take care of our son.

OK, love you.

- Hello?
- What is this?

It's a play area I built for Stan,
so I can take a nap.

- That's a baby cage.
- It's a play area.

I need you to keep an eye out for Ellie.
There's 20 bucks in it for you.

- Feels wrong.
- Grow a pair. It's totally safe.

- Except for the glass table.
- Oh, you're right.

He might try to fight his reflection.
I'd like to see that.

What? I rang the bell.

Yeah, most people
still wait to be let in.

Sounds like a time-waster.

Look, you're my friend,
and I wanna know what's bugging you.

I still don't wanna talk about it.

When I was married, you wanna know
what Jules always said to me?

"Please stop sleeping
with other women?"

She said when men say
they don't want to talk about something,

it means that they do want to talk.
They just don't wanna be vulnerable.

I just want you to leave me alone.

But you're a man. How do I know
that's what you really want?

It is a pickle.

- I know.
- You really are a space invader.

- Whoa!
- What the hell?

- That's my bad, I left your door open.
- There are dogs in my house!

Fine, but after I get them out, we're
finishing this. Come on, guys. Come on.

Come on, here we go, come on.

Open till seven. All right,
I'm gonna make note of that.

- Hi, aren't you in my spin class?
- Yeah. I'm Ryan.

Hi, Ryan.
I almost named my son Ryan.

Not that I have a son. Which I do.

She's not doing bad.

Usually when she gets nervous
she pulls out her finger guns.

Whoop, there they are.

- Make it stop. Just make it stop.
- Jules! Put the guns away!

- He's gonna call.
- Ah, so you gave him your number?

Nice baby cage.

Not a baby cage. It's a play area.

There.

And now he can drink any time he wants.

Like a gerbil.

G- Man, I brought you over here
to prove a point.

Now, no matter how hard it is,
friends share things.

- Andy, tough share, right now.
- Uh, this is not my real nose.

Boom. Trav, you're up.

- Pass.
- Fine, I'll go.

Just yesterday my little dudes
got rejected from a sperm bank.

Turns out that the lion's share
can't swim for beans.

It might be because, on your boat,
you use your microwave as a stool.

Heats me up nice on a cold night.
Now it's your turn. Spill it.

No thanks.

Here it comes. That is the
coolest thing I have ever seen.

Aw, he loves it!

OK, this is the house at night.
It's very similar to the house at day.

Only darker and my feet hurt
so I'm wearing slippers.

Is that why you're smaller?
Or am I just making you tiny in my head?

OK, my new therapist told me,
do not engage with you.

Well, this won't be long, I have
to meet, uh, what's-her-name for tapas.

Jeff, why aren't you buying
this house, hmm?

It is perfect for you.
It's like a sex castle.

There's plenty of closet space
for all your condoms and body sprays.

Plus, in the morning,
there's a huge shower in the master

- to wash away all your shame.
- You're single.

You telling me you're not
playing around with some young guy?

Well, I do have a date tomorrow
with a slightly younger fellow.

Would you like to tell me
what he does for a living?

- I would not.
- Jules, just own it. It's so freeing.

He's a topless jeans model.

He one of the average-looking guys
they keep inside,

or one of the studs
they parade out front?

- Out front.
- Ah!

Stay away from me! I'm not your friend!
You don't own this neighborhood!

- Wake up! Wake up! She's here!
- Wha?

Oh!

Here. Here. Act awake.

Hey! There she is!
Did you miss us?

A little. What's that?

- It's a fort.
- Hm.

Jeff, you have
seen this house ten times.

You love it, you hate it.
I don't even care anymore.

Best sales pitch ever.
Look, the place is perfect.

But nobody wants to be
that creepy 40-year-old

who lives alone in a big house.

Hm... I get that. Yeah, I don't
like to be alone in my house.

I honestly don't know
what I'm going to do

when my son goes off to college.

He's not big on the idea of us
getting an apartment,

though I said I'd only
live there on the weekends.

Well, he's missing out. My mom and I
roomed together when I was in college,

- and it was an amazing experience.
- Really?

Yeah. We spooned at night
and took baths together.

I don't regret a thing.

Do you enjoy mocking me?

For some reason, more than anything.

- Wow, you are really close.
- This only works if I'm close.

So... Is it better than your mom?

It's tough to beat Mom.

I've had some time to think about
what you did, and I don't like it.

- It's been 30 seconds.
- Yeah, and a lot's changed.

Now, I'm mad.
Nobody likes a sneak kiss, Jeff.

- Especially during flu season.
- You kissed back pretty hard.

I was trying to
push you away with my mouth.

Stop over-thinking everything.

All right, I'm really not a fan
of people telling me what to do.

Just shush for a second.

Shushing, on the other hand,
gets my panties right off.

- Seriously. Bam. Just like that.
- OK, look, since I'm courting you,

I'll let you be
in control for a second. Ready?

- Ready.
- I'd like to see

if there's something real between us.
What do you say?

So I told him he was an arrogant jerk,
I re-did my lipstick, and I left.

Good. So forget him and go have fun
with Spin Class Jeans Boy.

I will forget about him. And I will
have fun with Spin Class Jean Boy.

Why is there a dog in my house?

Hm! My fault. Keep forgetting
to close doors. Come on!

Hey, where's the baby cage?

Ellie was a little suspicious,
so I had to devise a new system.

See, Stan's an explorer,
like Magellan or Dora.

So I've given him 18 feet of slack
and removed all sharp objects

so he can wander safely
in any direction.

It's pretty taut right now,
so I'm guessing he's in the kitchen.

I can't decide if you're a really
good dad, or a really bad one.

I am both, and I am neither.

- Hey, G-Man.
- We're not open for business yet.

You and me are open for business.
Today's the day you spill the beans.

Why won't you listen to me?

I feel like if I told you
this coffee pot was scalding hot,

you'd still touch it right away.

Now, you obviously know
I wanna be left alone,

but you just plow through
every signal I give you. It...

- You lied, man, this ain't hot.
- Just leave. Please.

Fine. All right.

Look, I just thought that
we'd gotten to be so close that,

if you were ever hurtin', I'd be
your go-to guy, but guess I was wrong.

You really trying to make me feel bad?

- Because it's not working.
- Yes, it is.

So what do you think of this place?

Well, I like the way the floor
really grips my shoes.

Plus it smells
kind of good in here. Tangy.

- I'll go get us some beers.
- Great.

Bring us nachos or
we're not making out later.

How do you know Ryan's friend?

Those are the first words I've ever
spoken to him. Are you OK?

- You seem a little mopey.
- No, this is fun.

I mean, Ryan is super pretty, plus,
he's not at all afraid of cologne.

And it's only been 20 minutes,
but I've learned so much about

the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Let's cross our fingers that his
application gets accepted this year.

- You wanna kill yourself, don't you?
- So badly.

Lunch time. Reel him in.

OK.

All right. Come to papa, big boy.

Strong like his daddy.

Ah!

Oh, hey, sweetie, you're home.

I'm gonna go decide
what your consequences are.

Sounds like a plan.

Plus, I don't want Stan
to witness the murder of his father.

- That's how Batman became Batman.
- Shut up.

I should have had fun with
Spin Class Jean Boy, I just couldn't.

Yeah, I think you dodged a bullet.

After you left I went back to
his apartment with him and his friend.

They spent most of the time
making out with each other.

- Oh, I would've liked to see that.
- It was pretty hot.

I tried to get in there,
but they weren't having it.

You know this is about
that guy Jeff, right?

If I had a connection with Jeff,
I'd dive in.

- You wanna know how I see it?
- No.

You're not diving in
because there is a connection.

Ooh!

It's quiet time for you.

This guy, Jeff, is not
some young bisexual jeans model.

He's a grown-up, and that makes it real.

I don't think Ryan was bi.

I'm not ready for something real.
Like, real means getting hurt.

- Am I in a different conversation?
- Almost always.

Jules, don't blow this
because you're scared.

- Stupid.
- Oh, OK.

- Hey, man. Is this a bad time?
- Yeah, I'm doing something important.

That was a good one.

What's shaking?

My ex-wife had her baby.

Boy or girl?

Boy. She named him Tristan.

- You really wanted kids, didn't you?
- More than anything.

That is heavy stuff.

Honestly, I'm a little
uncomfortable right now.

- Me too.
- I'm still glad you told me, though.

Actually I wanted to
talk about it the whole time.

- I know, brother. You want a beer?
- I want a thousand beers.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

- Tristan is a stupid name.
- No doubt.

All right, I'm ready. Bring the pain.

You know what?

Maybe you're too easygoing with Stan,
and I'm too neurotic.

Still, I think that balance is
what makes us work well as parents.

We're a team, and so I'm
just going to let this one go.

That's nice.

- Why is Stan wearing a hat?
- He loves it.

It's his hatty-hat-hat.

Oh...

Huh? Oh, oh!

- Is that a cut?
- It's not my fault.

I was coming back from Jules'
and I got spooked by a dog,

- and fell into some bushes.
- On your watch!

You realize you're celebrating
your son being hurt?

- Is he hurt badly?
- No, it's just a scratch.

Uh-huh! Suck it!

- You wanted to talk to me?
- Yes.

I realized that I have never pointed out
that this room has exposed beams.

- What are you doing?
- I'm nervous so I need to go through

- the ritual of showing you the house.
- Fine, OK. Tell me about the place.

Well, these are the original
hardwood floors, and, uh...

You know what? I'm better.

Hold still.

OK, not completely still.
That's weird.

Sorry. I'm... I'm nervous too.

- Be nice to me, OK?
- I will.

Good.

OK, I was feeling a little cocky,
so I got I had someone drop me off.

You wanna take me to dinner?

- What?
- What's-her-name is in my car.

Unbelievable.

Come on.
We'll break up with her together.

OK, fine.
But I am not riding in the back.

Well, you guys can discuss that. Yeah?

- Hey, you guys ready?
- Hell, yeah.

- Let's do this.
- One, two, three.

OK, one, two, three.

Whoo-hoo!

Slower than I thought, but still fun.
You wanna go next?

- No.
- Your loss. Ha, ha!

Oh! Ow! Door jamb! Mother!

Whoo-hoo!

I'm surrounded by dogs and idiots.