Cougar Town (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Jules is a woman in her forties who's five months out of her marriage and being pressured by her best friends into getting "back out there" although finding the dating scene not her style. With a teenage son, who would be happier if she were to hide out in the house, she gets the business from him when she feels like she's allowed to have a life.

What the hell is that?

It's like a farm animal.

Crap!

Whoo, Cougars!
Let's hear it for the Cougars!

It's OK, it's OK. I'm up.

- Whoo! Let's go!
- It's over, Mom.

- OK, I know, but I get excited!
- OK, here we go.

Right back there, son or boyfriend?

I don't want to be a part of judging
that poor woman. It's not right.

- Son or boyfriend?
- Boyfriend.

- Come on, be his mom.
- Boyfriend. Get in there!



- Be his mom. Mom! Mom!
- Kiss her. Kiss her.

Come on! Come on, do it! Kiss her!

Yes! Yes!

- What's the score, Travis?
- Eight-nil.

Whatever!

Oh, Travis, your math teacher,
Ms. Pritchett, got new boobs.

Jules, you're very, very old.
Why would she do something like that?

Would you give her a break?

The dating pool is pretty limited
when you get divorced at her age.

What, you mean your age?

She's, like, four months older.

OK.

The point is, all of the single guys
our age are either broken, gay,

or chasing younger girls.



- It can get pretty lonely.
- Oh, honey.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not
gonna end up like Ms. Pritchett.

I don't think your frame
could handle those.

I mean, if I thought that no one
would talk about me...

Well, you see
that young gentleman right there?

- I'd love to lick his body.
- That's my son.

Oh.

He looks smart.

And we're moving back just a few rows.

Ladies and gentlemen, my mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sweetie, you know
you don't get to leave until I ask you

what I ask you every weekend.
Come on. Let's go out. Let's have fun.

Can't. Got big plans.

It's Friday night. Get your butt
over here for some wine and Scrabble.

I can't! I promised my husband
we'd start having sex once a month

without it having to be a quickie, and
the bastard actually called me on it.

- Wow, you look like a whore.
- Thank you.

- Let's do this, woman.
- I have to go.

My hamstring's tight, so you're
gonna have to start on top.

If you want, we can switch it up
once I get loose.

- You are so sexy.
- Thank you. Race ya!

Hey, you want to stay in, hang out
on the couch, maybe watch a movie?

- Are you hitting on me?
- This wine's for Ellie.

She's been looking so hot lately,

I thought I'd get her drunk,
try to hit that.

Lesbian mom jokes. Awesome.

Look, Ryan's coming to pick me up.

OK. Home by midnight, and if I ever
catch you two drinking and driving,

I'm gonna show everyone
that baby picture of you two

holding each other's penises.

So small.

Ryan's mom just says goodbye.

- Goodbye!
- Have a great night, Mom.

I always do.

You see? It's not a walk of shame
if someone does it with you.

Call me.

Hey, Grayson, you know
what drives me nuts?

Is it people that start conversations

- without saying "hello?"
- No.

- Is it annoying neighbors?
- No.

- Is it Stone Phillips?
- What?

Your wife moves out, what, a week ago?

And you're already sexing up sorority girls.

But nobody cares, because when
a 40-year-old guy gets divorced,

all your friends are like,
"Way to go, Tiger!"

We don't call each other "Tiger."
It's always "Champ" or "Samurai."

Look, maybe what really drives you nuts

is that you couldn't bag
a young stud if you tried.

- You don't think I could?
- Mm-mmm.

I'm not gonna give you
the satisfaction. Too bad.

Oh, to hell with it. Hey, kid!

Pow!

Ooh.

Suck it!

Cougar Town 1x01 - Pilot

I'm guessing the boy that I flashed
goes to your school.

- He does.
- Is he single?

Why don't you ever laugh at my jokes?

- Because they make me sad.
- Oh, boo-hoo!

Oh, calm down,
Travis will be fine.

Give a girl a warning.
My uterus almost shot out.

- What did you do?
- This is not the photo I picked.

This is from that night that we got
drunk on amaretto and played dress-up.

I don't care if you fire me.
I am putting you back out there.

It's time. Just listen to me for once.

I listened when you told me Dale was
a loser and to stop dating him. What?

You have a giant hickey on your chest,
and I can tell it's Dale's

because whoever did it
has a tooth missing!

Oh, we're not talking for six minutes?

Humph!

It's been about six minutes.

Look, you've been divorced for five
months and you're not having any fun.

Oh, good God!

- Hey, Barb.
- And good morning to you.

The Hannigans
would like to see upstairs.

Take as much time as you need.
Master bedroom's on the right...

if you want to see where
your thousand-year-old husband

will eventually die on top of you.

- I'm only 64.
- Great acoustics, huh?

It's a lovely home.

You know what?
I'm not even asking anymore.

Tonight is the night.
We're going on the prowl.

No. No prowling.
Look, you're young.

Me, I have to act my age.

One night out on the prowl,
the next thing you know

I'm at a Jonas Brothers concert
wearing a miniskirt,

sporting some
giant collagen hot dog lips.

- Are you making fun of my mom?
- Maybe.

I'm also saying that I just don't want
to become someone that I make fun of.

Fine. Honey, we don't have to prowl.

- Let's just go get a drink.
- Just a drink?

- Yes.
- OK, let's do it.

Yay!

And take me someplace young and fun.

I don't wanna go somewhere filled with
wrinkled geezers like Grandpa there.

- I'm right above you.
- Yes, you are.

- What do you want, Bobby?
- Hey, Jules.

I need this month's
alimony check a little early.

- How early?
- Like, now.

- Of course.
- Come on, J-Bird.

Travis is at my place tonight, and I'd
like to be able to, you know, feed him.

- I can't believe I married you.
- Yeah, that was a bad call.

Stan! My baby's name is Stan.

He'd be Spencer if my husband's
stupid father hadn't gone and died,

- like, a week before he was born.
- Still a little fresh.

- You're all right.
- Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Come over tonight for wine
and Scrabble without the Scrabble.

I can't, I'm, I'm with Laurie.

You know, ever since you got divorced,
she's been trying to steal you from me.

No, this is a work thing.

Bye, Jules.

- Hey, thanks for dinner, Dad.
- You betcha.

How's Mom doing?
She talk about me at all?

Yeah.

The biggest mistake of my life,
screwing that one up.

Mom's fine. She's... I mean,
I wish she didn't have to say

exactly what she's thinking
the second she thinks it.

Wow, you are really black.

- It's so handsome on you.
- Yeah, it is.

Come on, sweetie.

- Go get 'em.
- Yeah. Get...

OK, why are you standing like that?

It's a little chilly in here.
Also, I never really had my twenties

so I have no idea
how I'm supposed to look or act.

You said this place doesn't even get
"crack-a-lacking" until 9:30,

and if I'm up after 10:00 I get
really sleepy and I just... I hate you.

Say something judgmental about me,
that loosens you up.

You can't wear fake nails on just
one hand! You look like a crazy whore.

Well, I only had four left, and
this is the hand that I smoke with.

Better? Good. Now give me 20 bucks,
I'll buy you a drink.

- Unbelievable.
- Thanks.

Barb. What are you doing here?

Having a glass of pinot with my friends,

trying to decide who gets to
spin me like a pinwheel.

Good luck with that.
I'm gonna go right over here.

Oh, God!

None got on me.

I can't believe you went
to college in London.

- I always wanted to do stuff like that.
- Why didn't you?

You know how it goes. I was 19,
started thinking with my coochie-cooch,

and then, bam, I had a kid.

- Man, you are hot as balls!
- Thanks.

I'm sorry, this is my second drink.

- Let me get you a water.
- Thanks.

Don't eat 'em all.

Ooh!

- Hit that!
- Stop it!

Hey, I think that chick
went to high school with my mom.

- Hello?
- Good, you're home. Come over.

- Oh, God!
- Hey!

- You left that at the bar, bitch!
- No! Wait!

- Whoo! Bye!
- Do not leave!

Hi.

- May I come in?
- Sure.

Can I get you a snack?

That's what I do for my son's friends,
I get them snacks.

Do you like crackers
with peanut butter on them?

I hope it's not too forward,
coming over here.

You're a good kid, but...
this isn't really how I roll.

OK? So... Holy crap!

- Where the hell are you?
- There's a man in my house.

- Should I call the police?
- No.

I lied to you and I went to a bar...
Oh, just go look at him.

What? Who is that?

Come on!

Go do disgusting things to that boy.

No, I need time to prepare.

I gotta buy candles!
I look good in flickering light.

Oh, my God, what if he
wants to leave the lights on?

- You're good at sex, right?
- I'm like a seven.

I'm a nine.

Now, look, take charge of the situation
the second you walk in the room.

Hey.

- I want to see you.
- Fantastic.

- What's that scar from?
- I got knifed when I was a kid.

- Really?
- Nope, that's from my C-section.

What am I doing?

All right, no more talking.

I feel like I can see colors again.

Yeah. And thanks
for making these crackers.

Ever since you mentioned them before
I couldn't get them out of my head.

We had sex three times without you
needing a nap, or pills or anything.

- How fun is that?
- Pretty fun.

OK...

- Matt.
- Matt.

I'm going to do something
that I have not done in years.

I told my husband that I hated it,
but I don't hate it, I love it.

- So what are you?
- Shh, shh, shh! Just watch.

- Mom?
- Oh, there's my boy!

You said you hated that.

Hey!

You're not allowed
to eat these anymore.

All right, I'm so sorry.

It's just that lately I've been feeling
like I'm gonna shrivel up and die

if I just don't get out there
and start doing things.

Obviously, by "doing things," I don't
mean only things like what you saw...

OK, we're gonna talk about that later.

OK, I may have to kill myself.

What are you doing here?

You never called me back last night
to tell me what happened.

See, I used to be your best friend.

But now my only option is to come here

and listen to you share everything
about your life with this idiot.

She's been here 40 minutes
and that's the nicest thing she's said.

We're having grown-up talk.
Go push Stan around the block.

Stan? Is your baby 60?

- Please, for me?
- Yeah, Laurie, please. For her.

- Hi, Travis. It's me, Mama!
- Not today, man. I'm warning you.

You know why all the junior high boys
are stealing these?

I know, and I like it!

- I'm sorry I lied to you.
- I know you have your own problems.

You think my mom's hot now?
How about now? How about now?

- How about now?
- But you and I had a plan, remember?

We were gonna have stupid cookouts
with our stupid husbands.

Husbands are so stupid.

Now I'm stuck at home, and you're
heading back out into the world.

I just want you
to still have time for me.

I love you.

I love you so much more
than you love me.

I know, but it's close.

Ellie, I will always have time for you.

- Just go get your stuff.
- I am!

- He does not look happy.
- The school called you?

Oh, no, I'm here on an unrelated matter.

Apparently, there's
a landscaping position

that I might potentially
be interested in.

Yes, Dad, please mow the lawns at
my school, that's exactly what I need!

He was supposed to stay
at your apartment last night!

Couldn't you come through for me,
just once?

- Ready, Mr. Cobb?
- You got it, brother.

Look, I know you and I had a bit
of an awkward moment last night.

Yes, "awkward moment,"
that's what I'm calling it.

Still, there's never an excuse
for violence.

Junior high kids are stealing
your signs. Do you know why?

'Cause they're using them
to pleasure themselves.

Really? I mean, really?

Why can't you just be a normal mom
and stop torturing me?

I'm allowed to have a life, Travis!

Hey, don't worry about it.
He'll be fine.

Don't get me wrong, but thanks to you
that kid is gonna have some issues.

Big ones.

Who pushes people?

Never an excuse for violence, Mom!

Get back in the damn house!

Hey, Travis.

You know what? I'm not taking lip
from the typical jerk

who walks away from his marriage
scot-free, no responsibilities, nothing.

Do you know how scary it is
to be a single 40-year-old woman?

Whatever you do, you feel judged by
the world, you feel judged by yourself.

And if you ever, deep down,
think you might get married again,

you're not going to.
Not when you're 50,

and you can't make babies anymore,
and your looks have faded.

So you put on a brave face and you try
really hard not to think about the fact

that maybe, maybe, this is all
your life is ever gonna be.

You know, my granddaddy
got a chick pregnant when he was 90.

Ahh!

I think that they are going to buy.

Thank God, 'cause I really need
the cash to do my face.

How does this look?

- Like you're skydiving.
- Really?

Hey, nice pull with that hottie, sister.

I may try and get on him
myself tonight.

You OK, sweetie?
You having a little stroke?

One time.

I did it one time
and I'm already one of them.

Don't spook him.

Hey, little guy.

Hurry!

Hi. May I talk to your son?

- Robbie, there are some women here...
- Hi, Robbie.

Hi.

You obviously know my name.

- This is Laurie.
- Hey, Robbie. You're fast.

Robbie, do you know how embarrassing
it can be to be a teenage boy?

- Yeah, I think I do.
- Well, it's really rough on my son.

What's happening, little man?

Dad.

Hit the books.

And I know it would probably be easier
on him if I just hid out in the house.

I mean, hell, that would make
a lot of people happy.

I think she's home,
but I'm not calling her first.

Be nice to Jules. She's all alone.

- And you've already won.
- I can't believe I'm turned on.

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

I... I...

You're right, Robbie, we're not
gonna figure it out today, are we?

All I know is, my son doesn't like it
when you boys take my signs.

So you put the word out, okay? It's over.

You tortured that poor kid for me.

Outstanding!

Look, I'm gonna try really hard

not to let my life make your life
any more difficult, OK?

- I promise.
- Well, thank you.

Seriously, thanks.

Ryan's picking me up, so I should...

- Bye.
- Bye.

Or, you know, I could stay
and hang with you if...

Go.

Have fun.

Drive.

He's gone!

So cool.

OK, take the wine upstairs,
get undressed.

- Wanna make sure the door's locked.
- Want the lights on or off?

No lights, I bought candles.

- Matthew, no more talking.
- All right. Sorry.