Cosby (1996–2000): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
HILTON.
HILTON.
HILTON.
OH, COME ON.
[SNORING]
HILTON!
HOW'D I GET
ON THE FLOOR?
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I HAD A DREAM
I WAS FIRED.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS.
GET OVER IT, HILTON.
RELAX AND A GET
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
HOW CAN A MAN RELAX
WHEN HE'S BEEN CUT DOWN
IN THE PRIME OF HIS LIFE?
YOU'RE NOT DEAD, HILTON,
JUST DOWNSIZED.
AND EVERY SINCE
THEY BOUGHT THE AIRLINE,
I NOTICED FOR 30 YEARS,
THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN
SOMEBODY WATCHING ME.
THEY'VE BEEN AFTER ME,
I'M TELLING YOU.
THEY FIRED 10,000
OTHER EMPLOYEES
THE SAME DAY.
AND WHEN YOU WATCH
60 MINUTES,
OBVIOUSLY
YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION
BECAUSE
YOU WOULD'VE LEARNED,
AND YOU WOULD KNOW
THAT THAT'S HOW
THEY COVER IT UP.
DUDE, WHERE WERE YOU
LAST NIGHT, MAN?
SPEAK UP.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
TURN THE RADIO DOWN,
I BET YOU CAN HEAR HIM.
I GOT TO GO.
I GOT SOME OLD DUDE
WAITING.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, SIR. THESE
TROUSERS I PICKED UP
THIS AFTERNOON,
I FOUND THIS NOTE
ATTACHED TO THEM.
"SORRY, BUT THE STAIN
ON THIS GARMENT
WOULD NOT COME OUT."
IT MEANS THEY COULDN'T
GET THE STAIN OUT.
YES. I UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT I WANNA TO KNOW
WHY YOU COULDN'T
GET THE STAIN OUT.
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, WHO DOES KNOW?
WELL, I'M JUST
GUESSING HERE,
BUT PROBABLY THE PERSON
WHO WROTE THE NOTE.
WHO CLEANS
THE CLOTHES?
IS THERE ANYBODY HERE
WHO CLEANS THE CLOTHES?
WHO ARE THE PEOPLE?
I'VE NEVER MET THE PEOPLE
WHO CLEAN THE CLOTHES.
IS THERE ANYBODY
BACK THERE?
ANYBODY IN THE STORE
EXCEPT YOU?
NO.
SO YOU'RE HERE
BY YOURSELF.
YEAH.
AND YOU KNOW
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
THANKS FOR HELPING ME
WITH THIS, PAULINE.
WHY DID HILTON MOVE IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE?
BECAUSE MAKING ME NUTS,
WHICH USED TO BE
HIS HOBBY,
IS NOW
HIS FULL-TIME JOB.
IT IS SO TERRIBLE
WHEN THE DON'T LEAVE.
POOR MAN HASN'T SLEPT
SINCE THEY LET HIM GO.
AND IN HIS NEVER-ENDING
DESIRE TO HELP
AROUND THE HOUSE,
YESTERDAY
HE DECIDED TO FIX
THE HOT WATER HEATER.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
ISN'T IT?
IT'S PRODUCTIVE.
IT WASN'T BROKEN.
WELL, IF HE WANTS
TO BE HELPFUL,
WHAT YOU DO,
FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING,
YOU ASK HIM
TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE,
AND THEN YOU
LOCK THE DOOR.
NOW, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT.
I BROUGHT
MY TROUSERS IN,
YOU CLEANED
THE CLEAN PART,
AND YOU LEFT THE STAIN.
AND THEN YOU
CHARGED ME FOR IT
AND GAVE THE TROUSERS
BACK TO ME DIRTY.
NO, NO, NOT DIRTY.
STAINED.
OK, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT.
FROM NOW ON,
FOR MAXIMUM RESULTS,
IF I'M BRINGING
SOMETHING OVER,
I LOOK 'EM OVER,
AND I CLEAN THE STAINS
MYSELF.
UH-HUH.
WHEN THE STAIN'S
ALL OUT,
THEN I BRING 'EM TO YOU,
AND YOU'LL CLEAN 'EM
FOR ME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
I APOLOGIZE.
I REALLY HAD IT
ALL CONFUSED.
I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW IT WORKED.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
THE TRUTH IS,
THE FIRST WEEK
HE WAS HOME,
I KIND OF ENJOYED
HAVING HIM AROUND.
BUT AS TIME PASSED,
YOU REALIZED
THAT HAVING A MAN
IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY
IS LIKE HAVING A PIANO
IN THE KITCHEN.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL...
IT IS IN THE WAY.
HELLO.
HILTON.
YOUR STEINWAY IS HOME.
PAULINE,
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO THE DRY CLEANERS?
NOW, THAT'S
A RHETORICAL QUESTION
OBVIOUSLY
LEADING TO A STORY,
AND I HATE
TO MISS THE END,
SO I BEST LEAVE NOW
BEFORE YOU START.
I LOVE YOU, RUTHIE.
BYE, HILTON.
DO YOU LOVE ME,
PAULINE?
I DO,
BUT I DON'T SHOW IT.
WENT OVER TO THE CLEANERS,
PICK UP MY TROUSERS,
AND THIS NOTE IS
ATTACHED TO MY PANTS.
OH, I'VE GOTTEN
THESE NOTICES BEFORE.
THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
I CAN GET THE STAIN OUT.
YEAH, BUT, DEAR,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
THAT'S WHAT WE
PAY THEM TO DO THAT.
I WENT OVER TO THE STORE,
AND THERE'S A MAN--
A BOY--IS OVER THERE
ALL BY HIMSELF ALONE,
AND HE KNOWS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN
TRY TO HIDE THE FACT
THAT HE KNOWS NOTHING.
YOU ASK HIM A QUESTION,
AND HE SMILES
AND VERY PROUDLY SAYS,
"I DON'T KNOW."
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE IMPRESSED
BECAUSE HE HAS FOUND
A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING,
EVEN THOUGH
HE IS STUPID.
I HAD THE FEELING
THAT IF I LOOKED AT HIM
AND SAID, "YOU KNOW,
YOU ARE REALLY STUPID,"
HE WOULD'VE SAID,
"THANK YOU."
I JUST TOOK THOSE THINGS
OVER THERE YESTERDAY.
YES.
I RESCUED THESE CLOTHES.
THESE ARE OURS, DEAR.
AND I CLOSED OUT
THE ACCOUNT.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME? WHY?
BECAUSE YOU AND I
WILL NOT CONTRIBUTE
TO THE DEGRADATION
OF OUR SOCIETY
AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH
OR WIND.
SO NOW I HAVE THE
PRIVILEGE OF CLEANING
THOSE CLOTHES MYSELF.
IT'S WORTH IT, RUTHIE,
IT'S WORTH IT.
NOW, I STOPPED BY
THE HARDWARE STORE.
THAT WOMAN
IS A NICE PERSON.
SHE SAID WE COULD
BORROW THESE COLORS.
YOU CAN LOOK AT THEM.
SHE'S MARKED DOWN
THE PRICES FOR YOU.
OH, MY GOD!
YEAH, THE PRICES
ARE UP THERE,
I'M TELLING YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN
WHAT THIS IS WRITTEN
ON THE BACK OF?
NO.
THE WOMAN
AT THE HARDWARE STORE,
IT WAS HER HUSBAND
WHO STUCK HIS HEAD
IN THE OVEN
AND GASSED HIMSELF?
YES, AND A COWARDLY WAY
TO GET OUT OF A MARRIAGE.
JUST A SIMPLE
"I'M LEAVING" WOULD...
HILTON, THIS IS
HIS SUICIDE NOTE.
"BY THE TIME
YOU READ THIS,
I WILL BE DEAD."
HMM.
"MY LIFE HAS
BECOME MEANINGLESS,
AND I WILL NOW SNUFF OUT
MY WORTHLESS EXISTENCE
ONCE AND FOR ALL."
PROBABLY TOO MANY VISITS
TO THAT CLEANERS OVER THERE.
THE RICE LOAF WILL BE READY
IN JUST A MINUTE.
ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS ADD THE WHEAT GLUE.
WHEAT GLUE?
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT
ON YOUR FALSE TEETH.
HILTON, WHY DON'T YOU
COME OVER HERE AND SIT DOWN?
SIT DOWN ON WHAT?
ON THIS FUTON.
WHICH IS FRENCH
FOR "WHAT?"
Hilton, sit down.
I'm not sitting down.
DINNER'S
ALMOST READY.
LET ME JUST
SET THE TABLE.
LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
THIS IS A BOX.
YOU TOLD ME THAT NEXT TIME
WE WOULD SIT AT A TABLE.
I KNOW, BUT I HAVEN'T
GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET.
BESIDES, THE FOOD
TASTES THE SAME.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
I WORKED 30 YEARS
FOR THE AIRLINES
TO SEND YOU
THROUGH LAW SCHOOL,
AND YOU GRADUATED,
AND AS SOON
AS YOU DID THAT,
YOU GOT A JOB
WITH THE AIRLINES
TO WORK ANOTHER 30 YEARS.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
MISSING IN THE MIDDLE HERE.
BUT I'M HAPPY, DADDY.
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
NO. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
HILTON, COME OVER HERE
AND SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
I DON'T WANNA SIT
ON THAT THING.
IT LOOKS LIKE
IT SHOULD BE FLOATING
IN SOMEBODY'S
SWIMMING POOL.
I INVITED GRIFFIN
FOR DINNER.
SOON AS
HE GETS HERE,
WE COULD EAT.
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
COLLEGE GRADUATE,
SOON AS HE GOT HIS DIPLOMA,
HE SAID,
"I HAVE TO FIND MYSELF."
WHICH MEANS THAT
FOR FOUR YEARS,
HE WAS WALKING AROUND
AS SOMEBODY ELSE.
I HOPE HE'S BRINGING UP
A BOTTLE OF WINE
AND SOME MEAT LOAF.
DAD,
YOU REMEMBER SHELLY.
THESE ARE THE CDs THAT
HE LIKES TO LISTEN TO.
THANKS FOR
TAKING HIM HOME.
OK. THIS IS OPERA.
YES.
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
HILTON..."HOME"?
WHAT HOME?
SHE'S TAKING HIM
TO OUR HOME.
I'M GOING TO
WATCH THE TURTLE
WHILE SHE'S AWAY.
YOU'RE GONNA WATCH
THE TURTLE?
I'M GONNA WATCH
THE TURTLE.
YOU?
WHAT PART OF "I'M GOING
TO WATCH THE TURTLE"
ARE YOU HAVING
A PROBLEM WITH?
YOU WATCHING THE TURTLE?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, IF YOU'RE
THAT EXCITED,
THEN I'LL MAKE YOU
BUY A TICKET.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ERICA. HEY, EVERYBODY.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
HI, GRIFFIN.
I'M SO TIRED,
I COULD BARELY STAND UP.
PULL UP A FUTON.
YOU KNOW, HILTON,
I ENVY YOU.
WHY?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY BOSSES
OR ANY CLOCKS TO PUNCH
OR ANY DEADLINES TO MEET.
YOU'RE JUST FREE.
THAT'S WHERE
YOU ARE WRONG.
I'M 60 YEARS OLD,
AND I THOUGHT THAT
WHEN I WOULD TURN 60,
I WOULD BE HAPPY,
BUT I'M FULL OF LIFE,
VIGOR. YOU UNDERSTAND?
I'M NOT DEAD YET.
I'M SORRY
YOU LOST YOUR JOB.
I DIDN'T LOSE MY JOB!
MY JOB WAS
TAKEN AWAY FROM ME!
I KNOW WHERE THE JOB IS.
I DIDN'T LOSE IT!
I GO THERE, AND THEY
WON'T GIVE IT TO ME.
ARE YOU OK?
WHY?
PEOPLE YOUR AGE,
IF THEY TOO EXCITED,
THEY MIGHT KEEL OVER.
WELL, I GET
A LITTLE DIZZY
NOW AND THEN.
[HILTON SINGING OPERA]
* IN THE SWORD
IN MY BACK *
HILTON.
HUH?
YOU HAVE EVERYTHING?
I GOT EVERYTHING.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT,
MY BRAIN?
I'M FINE.
EVERY SINGLE THING
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE?
TURTLE.
TURTLE.
HEY, HOLD THE TRAIN!
HOLD THE TRAIN!
I GOT A TURTLE
ON THE TRAIN!
HOLD IT!
WHAT'S THE PHONE NUMBER
FOR TO STOP THE TRAIN?
311?
WHY DON'T YOU STOP
AND GROW UP?
SAY, PAL, PAL,
THERE'S A FIREPLUG HERE.
YOU CAN'T PARK HERE.
THERE'S A FIREPLUG.
IF THE FIRE ENGINES COME,
AND THEY HAVE TO HOOK UP
A HOSE THERE,
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE THE AX
AND CHOP YOUR WINDOWS OUT.
HILTON.
CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT
AND TELL THEM THAT THE HOUSE
NEXT DOOR'S ON FIRE.
ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
I WILL TURN OUT
ALL THE LIGHTS
AND LOCK UP.
YOU GO ON UPSTAIRS,
AND AFTER I'VE DONE THAT,
THEN YOU CAN COME BACK DOWN
AND SEE IF I LOCKED
EVERYTHING UP.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, SHELLY,
THIS IS YOUR NEW HOME.
JUST GO ON IN THE HOLE
SOMEWHERE, SON.
AND WHILE
YOU'RE IN THE HOLE,
I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND:
YOU CANNOT MAKE ANY
LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS.
NUMBER 2: YOU STAY OUT
OF MY LIQUOR CABINET.
AND NUMBER 3: BY ALL MEANS,
IF YOU NEED A FEMALE TURTLE,
MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR
SHELL ON FOR PROTECTION.
[HILTON SINGING OPERA]
[THUD]
SORRY.
COME ON.
QUIT HOLDING ON.
UHH...
JUST WASHING THE TURTLE,
DEAR.
JUST WASHING THE TURTLE.
[BLOWS]
YOU PUT THAT TURTLE
IN MY SINK.
TO--TO WASH IT.
TO WASH THE TURTLE.
AND DO NOT USE
MY DISHTOWELS.
AND LOOK AT ALL THIS--
WHAT IS THIS SMOKE?
ARE YOU YELLING BECAUSE
YOU STILL THINK I'M
STILL OUT IN THE YARD?
YOU HAD ONE THING TO DO.
I'VE ASKED YOU BEFORE,
DEAR.
I ASKED YOU NOT
TO WAVE YOUR FINGER
IN MY FACE.
I ASKED YOU
NOT TO DO THAT.
NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS WAVING.
THIS IS GESTURING.
AND I QUOTE:
WHAT PART OF
"I'M WATCHING THE TURTLE"
ARE YOU HAVING
A PROBLEM WITH?
WELL, THERE IT IS:
A BURNT TURTLE
CRAWLING FROM OUTSIDE.
I SAVED
THE TURTLE'S LIFE.
I'M A HERO,
AND WHAT DO I GET
FROM MY WIFE?
YOU ARE HAVING
A PROBLEM ADJUSTING
TO BEING
IN THE HOUSE
ALL DAY LONG,
AND I DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH MORE OF
YOUR HELP I CAN STAND.
SO FROM 8:00
IN THE MORNING
UNTIL 6:00 AT NIGHT,
I WILL JUST
KEEP OUT OF YOUR WAY,
JUST AS IF
I WAS WORKING.
THAT IS A PROMISE
THAT YOU WILL NEVER KEEP.
BUT WHO SAID THAT
THAT'S A PROMISE
I'LL NEVER KEEP?
SEE,
THAT'S YOUR OPINION.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
NO, SEE, YOU GO UPSTAIRS
EVERY TIME YOU WANNA TRY
AND STOP A CONVERSATION.
BUT THAT IS AN ADMISSION
OF YOUR GUILT.
WHERE DID YOU GO NOW?
PARSLEY, VANILLA,
DILL WEED...
GRAY HAIR REMOVER
FOR MEN?
MAKES A NICE SAUCE?
NOW, SEE?
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING
THAT JUST PLUCKS MY NERVE.
THAT IS HILTON'S.
I WOULD LOVE
FOR EUGENE TO TRY THIS.
I TELL HIM SHOE POLISH
SHOULD NEVER BE APPLIED
ABOVE THE NECK.
TAKE IT. IT'S YOURS.
THANK YOU.
WELL, HELLO.
I CANNOT TALK TO YOU
BECAUSE IT'S 4:15.
AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES
BEFORE I CAN TALK TO YOU.
I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK
AND TELL ME ABOUT YOUR VISIT
TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
THANK YOU.
MY PHYSICAL AT
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE:
THE LUNGS
WERE WONDERFUL,
THE ARTERIES,
FANTASTIC,
THE HEART IS FANTASTIC,
AND THE COLON
WAS SO BEAUTIFUL
THAT THE DOCTOR CALLED
EXPERTS TO COME UP AND
SEE IT AND FEEL IT.
I'M-I'M-I'M GETTING
TOO EXCITED.
I FEEL US
MOVING RAPIDLY NOW
TOWARD
THE WONDERFUL WORLD
OF YOUR PROSTRATE.
[HORN HONKS]
UH, SPEAKING OF
ENLARGED PROSTRATES,
WHAT A COINCIDENCE,
THERE'S EUGENE.
WE'RE GETTING TOGETHER
LATER?
YEAH. SHOPPING.
THANK YOU FOR THE TEA.
BYE, HILTON.
I LOVE YOU, RUTHIE.
DO YOU LOVE ME,
PAULINE?
MORE...
MORE AND MORE.
HOW WAS EVERYTHING ELSE
AT THE DOCTOR'S?
EVERYTHING
WAS JUST FINE.
SO?
I GOT EVERYTHING
COMPLETED EXCEPT
THE URINE EXAM.
I LEFT MY SPECIMEN
HERE,
AND I FOUND
THE PERFECT BOTTLE
AND EVERYTHING.
STERILIZED THAT OLD
GRAY HAIR REMOVER
FOR MEN.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT,
HAVE YOU?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER GO
WHEN YOU WANT TO?
STANDING THERE
WITH A FUNNEL,
LISTENING TO HOT WATER
WITH MY HAND IN IT.
THAT'S IT.
[YAWNING]
AND I'M GONNA
TAKE A LITTLE NAP.
LOOK AT SOME COLORS,
MAYBE...
PAULINE, I'VE GOT
TO DROP THESE OFF
AT THE MAILBOX.
LET ME TAKE THESE IN
FOR YOU.
YOO-HOO!
ANYONE HOME? HILTON?
AH, ME.
IT WAS A LITTLE
CROWDED DOWNTOWN
AS WE EXPECTED,
SO RUTH
MANAGED TO FIND
THE PERFECT THING
FIRST PLACE
WE WENT TO.
SO IT WAS REALLY
ALL VERY--
HILTON, HELLO.
HEY.
HILTON?
SLEEPING PILLS?
"BY THE TIME
YOU READ THIS,
I WILL BE DEAD."
OH!
WHA--
OH!
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
OH, MY...
OH...
IT WAS JUST A JOB,
HILTON!
OK, HANG ON, HANG ON.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
HEY!
HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
NO, THIS WAY!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY!
OH!
PAULINE?
RUTH...
HE'S GOING TO BE
JUST FINE.
HE'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
I THINK I
MANAGED TO GET IT
ALL OUT OF HIS STOMACH.
WHAT OUT OF HIS STOMACH?
WHAT DID YOU...
WHAT, WHAT...
OH, RUTH, RUTH...
I SAW
THE SLEEPING PILLS,
AND I SAW THE SUICIDE--
OH, THE SUICIDE NOTE.
YOU HAVE TO SEE THAT.
WHAT? WHAT?
HAS THERE BEEN...
A MISINTERPRETATION
ON MY PART?
WHAT, HAVE I
MADE A MISTAKE?
PAULINE.
WELL, I AM OUTRAGED.
I THINK THAT YOU
REALLY SHOULD WEAR
SOME KIND OF A SIGN
INDICATING DEEP SLEEP
AS OPPOSED TO
ACTUAL DEATH.
IF YOU HAD BEEN
SLEEPING THAT WAY
ON A CRUISE,
YOU WOULD'VE BEEN
BURIED AT SEA.
RUTHIE.
RUTHIE.
DID...DID I DREAM IT
OR IS IT TRUE...
THAT I BURNT THE TURTLE?
TRUE.
RUTHIE, IS IT TRUE
OR DREAMT...
THAT PAULINE
PUT A WHOLE ARM
DOWN MY THROAT?
TRUE.
YOU'RE AWAKE.
YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME
ANYMORE.
TRUE.
HAH!
THANK YOU.
RUTHIE--
HILTON.
HILTON.
HILTON.
OH, COME ON.
[SNORING]
HILTON!
HOW'D I GET
ON THE FLOOR?
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I HAD A DREAM
I WAS FIRED.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS.
GET OVER IT, HILTON.
RELAX AND A GET
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
HOW CAN A MAN RELAX
WHEN HE'S BEEN CUT DOWN
IN THE PRIME OF HIS LIFE?
YOU'RE NOT DEAD, HILTON,
JUST DOWNSIZED.
AND EVERY SINCE
THEY BOUGHT THE AIRLINE,
I NOTICED FOR 30 YEARS,
THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN
SOMEBODY WATCHING ME.
THEY'VE BEEN AFTER ME,
I'M TELLING YOU.
THEY FIRED 10,000
OTHER EMPLOYEES
THE SAME DAY.
AND WHEN YOU WATCH
60 MINUTES,
OBVIOUSLY
YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION
BECAUSE
YOU WOULD'VE LEARNED,
AND YOU WOULD KNOW
THAT THAT'S HOW
THEY COVER IT UP.
DUDE, WHERE WERE YOU
LAST NIGHT, MAN?
SPEAK UP.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
TURN THE RADIO DOWN,
I BET YOU CAN HEAR HIM.
I GOT TO GO.
I GOT SOME OLD DUDE
WAITING.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, SIR. THESE
TROUSERS I PICKED UP
THIS AFTERNOON,
I FOUND THIS NOTE
ATTACHED TO THEM.
"SORRY, BUT THE STAIN
ON THIS GARMENT
WOULD NOT COME OUT."
IT MEANS THEY COULDN'T
GET THE STAIN OUT.
YES. I UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT I WANNA TO KNOW
WHY YOU COULDN'T
GET THE STAIN OUT.
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, WHO DOES KNOW?
WELL, I'M JUST
GUESSING HERE,
BUT PROBABLY THE PERSON
WHO WROTE THE NOTE.
WHO CLEANS
THE CLOTHES?
IS THERE ANYBODY HERE
WHO CLEANS THE CLOTHES?
WHO ARE THE PEOPLE?
I'VE NEVER MET THE PEOPLE
WHO CLEAN THE CLOTHES.
IS THERE ANYBODY
BACK THERE?
ANYBODY IN THE STORE
EXCEPT YOU?
NO.
SO YOU'RE HERE
BY YOURSELF.
YEAH.
AND YOU KNOW
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
THANKS FOR HELPING ME
WITH THIS, PAULINE.
WHY DID HILTON MOVE IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE?
BECAUSE MAKING ME NUTS,
WHICH USED TO BE
HIS HOBBY,
IS NOW
HIS FULL-TIME JOB.
IT IS SO TERRIBLE
WHEN THE DON'T LEAVE.
POOR MAN HASN'T SLEPT
SINCE THEY LET HIM GO.
AND IN HIS NEVER-ENDING
DESIRE TO HELP
AROUND THE HOUSE,
YESTERDAY
HE DECIDED TO FIX
THE HOT WATER HEATER.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
ISN'T IT?
IT'S PRODUCTIVE.
IT WASN'T BROKEN.
WELL, IF HE WANTS
TO BE HELPFUL,
WHAT YOU DO,
FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING,
YOU ASK HIM
TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE,
AND THEN YOU
LOCK THE DOOR.
NOW, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT.
I BROUGHT
MY TROUSERS IN,
YOU CLEANED
THE CLEAN PART,
AND YOU LEFT THE STAIN.
AND THEN YOU
CHARGED ME FOR IT
AND GAVE THE TROUSERS
BACK TO ME DIRTY.
NO, NO, NOT DIRTY.
STAINED.
OK, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT.
FROM NOW ON,
FOR MAXIMUM RESULTS,
IF I'M BRINGING
SOMETHING OVER,
I LOOK 'EM OVER,
AND I CLEAN THE STAINS
MYSELF.
UH-HUH.
WHEN THE STAIN'S
ALL OUT,
THEN I BRING 'EM TO YOU,
AND YOU'LL CLEAN 'EM
FOR ME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
I APOLOGIZE.
I REALLY HAD IT
ALL CONFUSED.
I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW IT WORKED.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
THE TRUTH IS,
THE FIRST WEEK
HE WAS HOME,
I KIND OF ENJOYED
HAVING HIM AROUND.
BUT AS TIME PASSED,
YOU REALIZED
THAT HAVING A MAN
IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY
IS LIKE HAVING A PIANO
IN THE KITCHEN.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL...
IT IS IN THE WAY.
HELLO.
HILTON.
YOUR STEINWAY IS HOME.
PAULINE,
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO THE DRY CLEANERS?
NOW, THAT'S
A RHETORICAL QUESTION
OBVIOUSLY
LEADING TO A STORY,
AND I HATE
TO MISS THE END,
SO I BEST LEAVE NOW
BEFORE YOU START.
I LOVE YOU, RUTHIE.
BYE, HILTON.
DO YOU LOVE ME,
PAULINE?
I DO,
BUT I DON'T SHOW IT.
WENT OVER TO THE CLEANERS,
PICK UP MY TROUSERS,
AND THIS NOTE IS
ATTACHED TO MY PANTS.
OH, I'VE GOTTEN
THESE NOTICES BEFORE.
THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
I CAN GET THE STAIN OUT.
YEAH, BUT, DEAR,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
THAT'S WHAT WE
PAY THEM TO DO THAT.
I WENT OVER TO THE STORE,
AND THERE'S A MAN--
A BOY--IS OVER THERE
ALL BY HIMSELF ALONE,
AND HE KNOWS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN
TRY TO HIDE THE FACT
THAT HE KNOWS NOTHING.
YOU ASK HIM A QUESTION,
AND HE SMILES
AND VERY PROUDLY SAYS,
"I DON'T KNOW."
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE IMPRESSED
BECAUSE HE HAS FOUND
A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING,
EVEN THOUGH
HE IS STUPID.
I HAD THE FEELING
THAT IF I LOOKED AT HIM
AND SAID, "YOU KNOW,
YOU ARE REALLY STUPID,"
HE WOULD'VE SAID,
"THANK YOU."
I JUST TOOK THOSE THINGS
OVER THERE YESTERDAY.
YES.
I RESCUED THESE CLOTHES.
THESE ARE OURS, DEAR.
AND I CLOSED OUT
THE ACCOUNT.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME? WHY?
BECAUSE YOU AND I
WILL NOT CONTRIBUTE
TO THE DEGRADATION
OF OUR SOCIETY
AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH
OR WIND.
SO NOW I HAVE THE
PRIVILEGE OF CLEANING
THOSE CLOTHES MYSELF.
IT'S WORTH IT, RUTHIE,
IT'S WORTH IT.
NOW, I STOPPED BY
THE HARDWARE STORE.
THAT WOMAN
IS A NICE PERSON.
SHE SAID WE COULD
BORROW THESE COLORS.
YOU CAN LOOK AT THEM.
SHE'S MARKED DOWN
THE PRICES FOR YOU.
OH, MY GOD!
YEAH, THE PRICES
ARE UP THERE,
I'M TELLING YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN
WHAT THIS IS WRITTEN
ON THE BACK OF?
NO.
THE WOMAN
AT THE HARDWARE STORE,
IT WAS HER HUSBAND
WHO STUCK HIS HEAD
IN THE OVEN
AND GASSED HIMSELF?
YES, AND A COWARDLY WAY
TO GET OUT OF A MARRIAGE.
JUST A SIMPLE
"I'M LEAVING" WOULD...
HILTON, THIS IS
HIS SUICIDE NOTE.
"BY THE TIME
YOU READ THIS,
I WILL BE DEAD."
HMM.
"MY LIFE HAS
BECOME MEANINGLESS,
AND I WILL NOW SNUFF OUT
MY WORTHLESS EXISTENCE
ONCE AND FOR ALL."
PROBABLY TOO MANY VISITS
TO THAT CLEANERS OVER THERE.
THE RICE LOAF WILL BE READY
IN JUST A MINUTE.
ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS ADD THE WHEAT GLUE.
WHEAT GLUE?
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT
ON YOUR FALSE TEETH.
HILTON, WHY DON'T YOU
COME OVER HERE AND SIT DOWN?
SIT DOWN ON WHAT?
ON THIS FUTON.
WHICH IS FRENCH
FOR "WHAT?"
Hilton, sit down.
I'm not sitting down.
DINNER'S
ALMOST READY.
LET ME JUST
SET THE TABLE.
LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
THIS IS A BOX.
YOU TOLD ME THAT NEXT TIME
WE WOULD SIT AT A TABLE.
I KNOW, BUT I HAVEN'T
GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET.
BESIDES, THE FOOD
TASTES THE SAME.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
I WORKED 30 YEARS
FOR THE AIRLINES
TO SEND YOU
THROUGH LAW SCHOOL,
AND YOU GRADUATED,
AND AS SOON
AS YOU DID THAT,
YOU GOT A JOB
WITH THE AIRLINES
TO WORK ANOTHER 30 YEARS.
NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING
MISSING IN THE MIDDLE HERE.
BUT I'M HAPPY, DADDY.
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
NO. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.
HILTON, COME OVER HERE
AND SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
I DON'T WANNA SIT
ON THAT THING.
IT LOOKS LIKE
IT SHOULD BE FLOATING
IN SOMEBODY'S
SWIMMING POOL.
I INVITED GRIFFIN
FOR DINNER.
SOON AS
HE GETS HERE,
WE COULD EAT.
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
COLLEGE GRADUATE,
SOON AS HE GOT HIS DIPLOMA,
HE SAID,
"I HAVE TO FIND MYSELF."
WHICH MEANS THAT
FOR FOUR YEARS,
HE WAS WALKING AROUND
AS SOMEBODY ELSE.
I HOPE HE'S BRINGING UP
A BOTTLE OF WINE
AND SOME MEAT LOAF.
DAD,
YOU REMEMBER SHELLY.
THESE ARE THE CDs THAT
HE LIKES TO LISTEN TO.
THANKS FOR
TAKING HIM HOME.
OK. THIS IS OPERA.
YES.
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
HILTON..."HOME"?
WHAT HOME?
SHE'S TAKING HIM
TO OUR HOME.
I'M GOING TO
WATCH THE TURTLE
WHILE SHE'S AWAY.
YOU'RE GONNA WATCH
THE TURTLE?
I'M GONNA WATCH
THE TURTLE.
YOU?
WHAT PART OF "I'M GOING
TO WATCH THE TURTLE"
ARE YOU HAVING
A PROBLEM WITH?
YOU WATCHING THE TURTLE?
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, IF YOU'RE
THAT EXCITED,
THEN I'LL MAKE YOU
BUY A TICKET.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ERICA. HEY, EVERYBODY.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
HI, GRIFFIN.
I'M SO TIRED,
I COULD BARELY STAND UP.
PULL UP A FUTON.
YOU KNOW, HILTON,
I ENVY YOU.
WHY?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY BOSSES
OR ANY CLOCKS TO PUNCH
OR ANY DEADLINES TO MEET.
YOU'RE JUST FREE.
THAT'S WHERE
YOU ARE WRONG.
I'M 60 YEARS OLD,
AND I THOUGHT THAT
WHEN I WOULD TURN 60,
I WOULD BE HAPPY,
BUT I'M FULL OF LIFE,
VIGOR. YOU UNDERSTAND?
I'M NOT DEAD YET.
I'M SORRY
YOU LOST YOUR JOB.
I DIDN'T LOSE MY JOB!
MY JOB WAS
TAKEN AWAY FROM ME!
I KNOW WHERE THE JOB IS.
I DIDN'T LOSE IT!
I GO THERE, AND THEY
WON'T GIVE IT TO ME.
ARE YOU OK?
WHY?
PEOPLE YOUR AGE,
IF THEY TOO EXCITED,
THEY MIGHT KEEL OVER.
WELL, I GET
A LITTLE DIZZY
NOW AND THEN.
[HILTON SINGING OPERA]
* IN THE SWORD
IN MY BACK *
HILTON.
HUH?
YOU HAVE EVERYTHING?
I GOT EVERYTHING.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT,
MY BRAIN?
I'M FINE.
EVERY SINGLE THING
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE?
TURTLE.
TURTLE.
HEY, HOLD THE TRAIN!
HOLD THE TRAIN!
I GOT A TURTLE
ON THE TRAIN!
HOLD IT!
WHAT'S THE PHONE NUMBER
FOR TO STOP THE TRAIN?
311?
WHY DON'T YOU STOP
AND GROW UP?
SAY, PAL, PAL,
THERE'S A FIREPLUG HERE.
YOU CAN'T PARK HERE.
THERE'S A FIREPLUG.
IF THE FIRE ENGINES COME,
AND THEY HAVE TO HOOK UP
A HOSE THERE,
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE THE AX
AND CHOP YOUR WINDOWS OUT.
HILTON.
CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT
AND TELL THEM THAT THE HOUSE
NEXT DOOR'S ON FIRE.
ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
I WILL TURN OUT
ALL THE LIGHTS
AND LOCK UP.
YOU GO ON UPSTAIRS,
AND AFTER I'VE DONE THAT,
THEN YOU CAN COME BACK DOWN
AND SEE IF I LOCKED
EVERYTHING UP.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, SHELLY,
THIS IS YOUR NEW HOME.
JUST GO ON IN THE HOLE
SOMEWHERE, SON.
AND WHILE
YOU'RE IN THE HOLE,
I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND:
YOU CANNOT MAKE ANY
LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS.
NUMBER 2: YOU STAY OUT
OF MY LIQUOR CABINET.
AND NUMBER 3: BY ALL MEANS,
IF YOU NEED A FEMALE TURTLE,
MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR
SHELL ON FOR PROTECTION.
[HILTON SINGING OPERA]
[THUD]
SORRY.
COME ON.
QUIT HOLDING ON.
UHH...
JUST WASHING THE TURTLE,
DEAR.
JUST WASHING THE TURTLE.
[BLOWS]
YOU PUT THAT TURTLE
IN MY SINK.
TO--TO WASH IT.
TO WASH THE TURTLE.
AND DO NOT USE
MY DISHTOWELS.
AND LOOK AT ALL THIS--
WHAT IS THIS SMOKE?
ARE YOU YELLING BECAUSE
YOU STILL THINK I'M
STILL OUT IN THE YARD?
YOU HAD ONE THING TO DO.
I'VE ASKED YOU BEFORE,
DEAR.
I ASKED YOU NOT
TO WAVE YOUR FINGER
IN MY FACE.
I ASKED YOU
NOT TO DO THAT.
NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS WAVING.
THIS IS GESTURING.
AND I QUOTE:
WHAT PART OF
"I'M WATCHING THE TURTLE"
ARE YOU HAVING
A PROBLEM WITH?
WELL, THERE IT IS:
A BURNT TURTLE
CRAWLING FROM OUTSIDE.
I SAVED
THE TURTLE'S LIFE.
I'M A HERO,
AND WHAT DO I GET
FROM MY WIFE?
YOU ARE HAVING
A PROBLEM ADJUSTING
TO BEING
IN THE HOUSE
ALL DAY LONG,
AND I DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH MORE OF
YOUR HELP I CAN STAND.
SO FROM 8:00
IN THE MORNING
UNTIL 6:00 AT NIGHT,
I WILL JUST
KEEP OUT OF YOUR WAY,
JUST AS IF
I WAS WORKING.
THAT IS A PROMISE
THAT YOU WILL NEVER KEEP.
BUT WHO SAID THAT
THAT'S A PROMISE
I'LL NEVER KEEP?
SEE,
THAT'S YOUR OPINION.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
NO, SEE, YOU GO UPSTAIRS
EVERY TIME YOU WANNA TRY
AND STOP A CONVERSATION.
BUT THAT IS AN ADMISSION
OF YOUR GUILT.
WHERE DID YOU GO NOW?
PARSLEY, VANILLA,
DILL WEED...
GRAY HAIR REMOVER
FOR MEN?
MAKES A NICE SAUCE?
NOW, SEE?
THAT'S THE KIND OF THING
THAT JUST PLUCKS MY NERVE.
THAT IS HILTON'S.
I WOULD LOVE
FOR EUGENE TO TRY THIS.
I TELL HIM SHOE POLISH
SHOULD NEVER BE APPLIED
ABOVE THE NECK.
TAKE IT. IT'S YOURS.
THANK YOU.
WELL, HELLO.
I CANNOT TALK TO YOU
BECAUSE IT'S 4:15.
AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES
BEFORE I CAN TALK TO YOU.
I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK
AND TELL ME ABOUT YOUR VISIT
TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
THANK YOU.
MY PHYSICAL AT
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE:
THE LUNGS
WERE WONDERFUL,
THE ARTERIES,
FANTASTIC,
THE HEART IS FANTASTIC,
AND THE COLON
WAS SO BEAUTIFUL
THAT THE DOCTOR CALLED
EXPERTS TO COME UP AND
SEE IT AND FEEL IT.
I'M-I'M-I'M GETTING
TOO EXCITED.
I FEEL US
MOVING RAPIDLY NOW
TOWARD
THE WONDERFUL WORLD
OF YOUR PROSTRATE.
[HORN HONKS]
UH, SPEAKING OF
ENLARGED PROSTRATES,
WHAT A COINCIDENCE,
THERE'S EUGENE.
WE'RE GETTING TOGETHER
LATER?
YEAH. SHOPPING.
THANK YOU FOR THE TEA.
BYE, HILTON.
I LOVE YOU, RUTHIE.
DO YOU LOVE ME,
PAULINE?
MORE...
MORE AND MORE.
HOW WAS EVERYTHING ELSE
AT THE DOCTOR'S?
EVERYTHING
WAS JUST FINE.
SO?
I GOT EVERYTHING
COMPLETED EXCEPT
THE URINE EXAM.
I LEFT MY SPECIMEN
HERE,
AND I FOUND
THE PERFECT BOTTLE
AND EVERYTHING.
STERILIZED THAT OLD
GRAY HAIR REMOVER
FOR MEN.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT,
HAVE YOU?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER GO
WHEN YOU WANT TO?
STANDING THERE
WITH A FUNNEL,
LISTENING TO HOT WATER
WITH MY HAND IN IT.
THAT'S IT.
[YAWNING]
AND I'M GONNA
TAKE A LITTLE NAP.
LOOK AT SOME COLORS,
MAYBE...
PAULINE, I'VE GOT
TO DROP THESE OFF
AT THE MAILBOX.
LET ME TAKE THESE IN
FOR YOU.
YOO-HOO!
ANYONE HOME? HILTON?
AH, ME.
IT WAS A LITTLE
CROWDED DOWNTOWN
AS WE EXPECTED,
SO RUTH
MANAGED TO FIND
THE PERFECT THING
FIRST PLACE
WE WENT TO.
SO IT WAS REALLY
ALL VERY--
HILTON, HELLO.
HEY.
HILTON?
SLEEPING PILLS?
"BY THE TIME
YOU READ THIS,
I WILL BE DEAD."
OH!
WHA--
OH!
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
WHAT DID YOU DO?!
OH, MY...
OH...
IT WAS JUST A JOB,
HILTON!
OK, HANG ON, HANG ON.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
HEY!
HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
NO, THIS WAY!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY!
OH!
PAULINE?
RUTH...
HE'S GOING TO BE
JUST FINE.
HE'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
I THINK I
MANAGED TO GET IT
ALL OUT OF HIS STOMACH.
WHAT OUT OF HIS STOMACH?
WHAT DID YOU...
WHAT, WHAT...
OH, RUTH, RUTH...
I SAW
THE SLEEPING PILLS,
AND I SAW THE SUICIDE--
OH, THE SUICIDE NOTE.
YOU HAVE TO SEE THAT.
WHAT? WHAT?
HAS THERE BEEN...
A MISINTERPRETATION
ON MY PART?
WHAT, HAVE I
MADE A MISTAKE?
PAULINE.
WELL, I AM OUTRAGED.
I THINK THAT YOU
REALLY SHOULD WEAR
SOME KIND OF A SIGN
INDICATING DEEP SLEEP
AS OPPOSED TO
ACTUAL DEATH.
IF YOU HAD BEEN
SLEEPING THAT WAY
ON A CRUISE,
YOU WOULD'VE BEEN
BURIED AT SEA.
RUTHIE.
RUTHIE.
DID...DID I DREAM IT
OR IS IT TRUE...
THAT I BURNT THE TURTLE?
TRUE.
RUTHIE, IS IT TRUE
OR DREAMT...
THAT PAULINE
PUT A WHOLE ARM
DOWN MY THROAT?
TRUE.
YOU'RE AWAKE.
YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME
ANYMORE.
TRUE.
HAH!
THANK YOU.
RUTHIE--
HILTON.