Corporate (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Wind of God - full transcript
You all know
I'm not big on speeches.
All right,
who am I trying to kid?
I love speeches.
Love 'em.
Everybody in this room
has given
their heart and their soul
to this project.
You have worked overtime.
You have worked weekends.
You have worked holidays.
Mark missed the birth
of his firstborn.
Saul missed the birth
of his second born.
Mary missed the births
of her third,
her fourth,
and her fifth born,
and it is all in the idea
of sacrificing
to achieve something
greater than ourselves.
So whether or not this
wacky thing actually works,
we all oughta be damn proud
of the work
that we have done here.
Here we go.
Everybody raise your glasses.
Five, four, three,
two, one.
- Stop the test!
- It's been called off!
What the fuck are you saying?
The entire product
has been terminated.
We're all being let go
without severance.
On whose orders?
Christian DeVille's.
Christian DeVi-
I... I can't turn it on?
Not even once?
This is bullshit!
I gave my life to this project!
My life!
"CORPORATE"
Season 03 Episode 06
Episode Title : "The Wind of God"
Aired on: August 26, 2020
Rain jackets, lawnmowers,
piña colada mix.
If you can name it,
Hampton DeVille makes it.
And now, you can add hurricane
machine to that list.
Our guest today is dashing
investigative journalist
Bonan Marrow,
whose reporting
led to the public outcry
that caused
the hurricane machine
to be shut down.
Now, Bonan,
why would Christian DeVille
build a hurricane machine?
Well, inside sources say
he was planning to sell this
as a superweapon to the U.S. military.
Well, I know a lot of people
are calling
for Christian DeVille
to step down.
This is just one
in a long line
of questionable decisions
he's made.
I think we all remember
the Obelisk.
Why do you need an iPad
that big?
Well, you're the one who dated Christian.
Maybe you can tell us.
Is this man compensating
for something?
Ooh!
Bonan, I will never tell.
Except in my tell-all book,
which you can preorder now.
There's something
I need to discuss with you,
but you have to swear
on the Bible
that this stays between us.
Okay, I swear.
Both hands.
John, what is it?
I always believed
that Christian
had some master plan,
even if to us,
it might seem strange
or confusing
or illegal,
but lately,
I've started to have doubts.
To be self-critical,
I may be blindly following
an absolute madman.
I'm glad to hear you
say this.
The board of directors
is holding an emergency meeting
tomorrow.
Christian is vulnerable,
and you and I both know someone
who would make
a much better CEO.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm much happier
as a supplicant.
My podiatrist and I came
to that conclusion years ago.
I meant me.
I am going to make a play
against Christian,
and I need your support.
Whoa, Kate.
You're a full-blown Judas?
I can't believe I ever wanted
to be like Christian.
Too much stress, and for what?
Billions of dollars
and the power
to destroy the world?
Who has the energy?
It's funny, the fact
that our company is evil
doesn't bother me
the way that it used to.
I'm powerless,
and quite frankly,
I find that to be empowering.
We're honestly lucky
to be where we're at.
Nobody can blame us
for anything,
plus we get free bagels.
- Oh, right.
- It's Bagel Tuesday.
Where the fuck
are the fucking bagels?
This company is evil.
Is everyone excited
for Bagel Tuesday?
Yes!
Let's see,
I have plain bagels,
egg, onion, everything, poppy,
jalapeño cheddar,
and even a few cinnamon raisin
for the freaks.
Yes.
And we all know
what goes perfectly
with delicious bagels:
freshly roasted coffee.
And don't forget
the fresh-squeezed OJ.
Oh.
Oh.
All right.
Eat up!
I'm sorry.
I thought everyone was excited
for Bagel Tuesday.
Are you not all grateful
for the feast
I have provided you?
Hmm.
Well, you know, apparently,
a lot of people
don't appreciate
what I do for this company.
Some people even think
I should step down as CEO.
Well, let me explain something
to you.
There is no Hampton DeVille
without Christian DeVille.
I put the roof over your heads,
I put the clothes
on your backs,
and I feed you scraps of bread
like ducks in a pond!
Quack, quack!
Quack, quack, amen.
Now, I demand
complete and total loyalty
from my employees,
so if there are any doubters
amongst you,
speak now
or forever hold your...
No!
Oh, my fucking foot and butt!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay,
you fucking morons!
Somebody call the 5-0!
John.
John.
John!
Kate!
You were right.
Christian isn't a god.
He's the devil.
It's right there in the name!
Christian DeVille!
Like Cruella De Vil.
Wow.
Looking back, she was
a pretty bad egg herself.
Does this mean
you'll help me?
Yes.
But we're gonna do it my way,
which is whatever way
you think is best.
I make the rules,
and the first rule
is whatever you say goes.
There's something
we need to discuss with you,
but you have to swear
on the Bible
that this stays between us.
This has the New Testament
for Matt
and the prequel for Jake.
John,
forget the goddamn Bible.
Yes, sir.
We are making a play
against Christian,
and if you side with us,
you will have more money
and power
than you ever dreamed of.
Congrats, sluts.
Your days of doing grunt work
are finally over.
From this moment forward,
you are no longer
junior executives in training.
You're now senior executives.
In theory.
All you have to do
is walk out that door.
Actually, we decided
we like where we're at.
You guys just seem
really stressed out
all the time.
With very little power comes
very little responsibility.
We're Buddhists now.
Well, sucks to be you then!
You're gonna have
more money and power
whether you like it or not!
And a bigger office.
We like this office.
- How do you like it now?
- Hey.
- Huh?
- Ow!
- How 'bout now?
- Whoa, what?
Huh?
How 'bout now?
We are taking Christian down!
And so are you!
Want more, you sluts!
Want more!
- Ouchy!
- Ouch!
Welcome to the inner circle.
You're all here
because we trust you.
Or because you were
standing nearby
when we were trying to recruit
somebody else
and it would've been awkward
not to invite you.
Kevin.
Christian
is a psychopathic dictator
who has run this company
into the ground.
I think we can all agree
I will be
a more democratic leader.
So without further discussion,
let's move on.
Our job today is to build
a case against Christian
that Kate and I can present
to the board tomorrow.
So we need to make a list
of everything he's done wrong.
We only have one whiteboard?
Good point.
Matt, Jake, fetch us
some more whiteboards.
I thought we weren't doing
any more grunt work.
Save your crying
for bath time
like the rest of us.
The surgery was a success.
Your foot and butt will make
a full recovery.
However, I'd like
to keep you overnight
just for observation.
Is that really necessary?
- Don't worry.
- You won't be bothered.
When we learned
you were coming,
we moved all the other patients
on this floor
to the wet basement.
If you want the whole building
to yourself,
we can have them thrown out
to the streets.
- Hmm.
- No, they can stay.
Anyways, it'll just be you
and Nurse Richard here.
I'll take it from here, Doc.
Mm.
You don't remember me?
I'm afraid I don't.
I used to work
at Hampton DeVille.
Wrote a funny tweet
about a hurricane,
then you fired me.
- If you say so.
- Now, if you don't...
You know, my life took
a real dark turn after that.
Started drinking, gambling.
I got into dogfighting.
Those hounds
tore my ass up good.
Funny thing is,
I blamed you for all of it.
I vowed
if I ever saw you again,
I would do terrible,
terrible things to you.
Mm.
But then I found God.
Stitched my ass up,
enrolled in nursing school,
dedicated my life
to helping other people.
Now here I am.
All 'cause of you.
So...
thank you.
Glad I was able to help.
You know, when I saw you
admitted into the hospital
today,
I immediately knew
that it was all part
of God's master plan
so that I can do some good
and make you pay
for all the evil
that you've done to the world.
- Oh, wait, no, no!
- What are you doing?
Ooh!
That's... that's just...
- Okay.
- What else?
Christian's responsible
for turning 9/11
into a commercial holiday.
How could we forget
Remember Day?
What else?
I hit a fisherman
with my truck
a few nights back.
We could pin that on Christian
if you want.
- Toss it on the board.
- Wonderful!
Okay.
What else?
Well, I guess
there's the hurricane machine.
Says a lot that it took us
this long to even get to it.
To be fair, Kate,
you were pretty involved
in those hurricane machine
meetings.
I don't know if you can
pin that entirely on Christian.
- Hold your tongue!
- No.
John, he's right.
If Christian is going down,
he's gonna wanna take us down
with him.
We should see what there is
in writing.
Okay, so the first email
about the hurricane machine
was sent by...
Kate.
"Let's get the ball rolling
on this fantastic
hurricane machine idea."
And then I responded with,
"Count me in."
Okay, but Christian's gotta
be on here somewhere, right?
Let's see.
Uh, here's Jake.
"I'm in as long as we test it
on New Jersey first."
To which Kevin replied...
"LOL."
Christian's not even on
this thread.
That delegating motherfucker.
If Christian goes down,
we all go down.
I'm not going back
to the clink.
No one's going to the clink,
you idiot!
If I go back to the clink,
I'm taking you with me, Katie.
And you, too, Johnny Boy!
Kevin,
don't you dare threaten
to put me in the clink,
you fucking murderer!
Everyone stop calling it
the clink!
That's what they call it
in the slammer.
Guys, can we please
stop arguing
and just order some food?
We're all just on edge
because Christian
ruined breakfast.
Okay, let's just cross
hurricane machine off the list
and order some food.
What does everybody want?
Well, I don't want any fish.
- Well, great, Kev.
- That narrows it down.
Look who got a visit
from the dinner fairy.
Man, what the fuck
is going on?
Help!
Help!
- Help!
- Help!
Hel...
Right, I'm the only nurse
on duty.
I don't know about you,
but I'm feeling
a little naughty.
What do you say
we start with dessert?
That's good.
Oh, I get it.
You see me as some...
Evil billionaire
who's ruining the world
with my evil corporation.
Well, grow the fuck up.
That hurricane machine
everyone's so mad about
employed thousands
of hard-working people
until that bonehead
Bonan Marrow had to butt in
and get them all fired.
He's evil!
I'm the good guy!
Will you stop
making airplane sounds?
Uh-oh!
This plane is off course!
It's gonna make
a crash landing!
Oat Zone.
Another for Barley Barn.
And...
Pesto Palace?
God damn it!
It's another tie!
Okay, who keeps throwing away
their vote on Pesto Palace?
It's a third-party candidate
and you know it!
I vote on principle!
Why don't we just order
a bunch of pizzas?
What are we, a softball team?
Okay, you know what?
I'm in charge!
And we're going to Oat Zone!
What happened to being
a democratic leader?
Shut up and tell me
what kind of oats you want!
Rolled or steel cut?
Well, Oat Zone's closed.
Fuck!
Well, I'm thrilled,
because I voted
for Barley Barn.
- That's closed too.
- God! Jesus Christ!
Like no one ever wanted barley
after 2:00 a.m.?
They're leaving money
on the farm-to-table!
Matt, Jake,
go out and get us some food!
I thought you said we didn't
have to do grunt work anymore.
You go do the goddamn food,
you son of a bitch!
Go and get us
the fucking food!
- Go!
- Get up and get us food!
What I'm remembering now
is that being powerless sucks.
- Yeah.
- I definitely want money.
And power.
I don't know what
Buddhists are talking about.
Maybe you can only
be a Buddhist
if you already
have money and power?
Yeah, like how celebrities
only care about the environment
once they're bored
of having sex with each other.
Wait, Matt.
We do have power.
If we go to Christian
right now,
we could tell him
what Kate and John are up to
and sabotage the coup.
I bet he'd promote us
as a reward.
That's genius.
We'll get everything we want,
then become Buddhists.
Then have a ton of sex,
then start caring
about the environment.
Then...
No, Matt, that's it.
Oh.
Don't you ever just wish
there was more?
And then I wrote,
"Sell consumer data
to the Chinese government
"to disrupt
the next presidential election?
I'm down to clown."
To which Kevin replied...
"LOL."
"LOL."
Looks like we're complicit
in this one too.
Oh, great.
At least we're saving energy.
There's one thing
Hampton DeVille's doing
that's not evil.
I'm gonna say something
controversial.
I don't think
Hampton DeVille is evil.
I mean, what even is
Hampton DeVille?
A corporation.
Right,
but what is a corporation?
A building?
Money.
- A group of people...
- Maroon 5...
- Maroon 5.
- Maroon 5!
That's what I'm talking about.
What the fuck
is Maroon 5?
It's an imaginary concept
made up by a sociopath,
just like Hampton DeVille.
It's a triangle
we ascribe meaning to.
But we're the ones who drive
to the office in the morning
to have meetings
about hurricane machines.
Maybe we're the ones to blame.
We did all this evil shit
for a fucking triangle!
Okay.
You know, it has been fun
catching up,
but I think it's time
we wrap this puppy up.
You know, I'd tell you
that this is gonna be painless,
but I graduated at the bottom
of my class in nursing school,
so I'm just gonna guess
where your artery is.
Christian,
there's something we need...
Richard?
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, man.
Uh, hey, guys!
You're a doctor now?
Nurse, but yeah.
I fucking love nurses.
Best people on Earth.
Give us a hug, my dude!
- Come on!
- It's great to see you, man.
- Yeah, you guys.
- Yeah.
- God, what's up, man?
- I love pink on you.
You know,
you boys are just in time.
I was about to leave.
Now, now,
remember your doctor...
- Oh, no, no, no!
- I feel right as rain!
Just untie these straps
and let's go.
- All right.
- You heard the man.
Wow, they really want you
to stay in your bed here.
Like a prisoner or something.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so Kate and John are back
at the office right now
trying to stab you in the back.
But they didn't count on us
stabbing them
in their backs first.
Or wait, no.
Maybe we did it second.
Regardless,
it's self-defense,
so legally, we think
we're in the clear.
Seems like everyone
has turned against me.
Somewhere along the way,
I forgot
what Hampton DeVille really is.
It's people.
Good people,
like the two of you.
I'm afraid I don't
even remember your names.
I'm Matt...
I need to start listening
to people.
Is there anything I can do
to win everyone back?
So it's decided.
We're all gonna quit and stop
working for a corporation.
And just pray
that God forgives us.
Guess we have to move
to the woods.
Live off the land.
We could gather lumber
and sell it for money.
We should incorporate.
Avoid taxes.
That's a great idea.
Wait, no!
Even if we quit,
we can't escape!
If only God
would give us a sign.
Christian's alive?
You thought he was dead?
No, I guess I just got
caught up in the moment.
I know everything
you've been doing.
Christian, we're sorry.
It was all Kate!
- John!
- No.
No, it's okay.
Yesterday,
I said
there's no Hampton DeVille
without me.
But I was wrong.
There's no Hampton DeVille
without you.
I only hope
that you can find it
in your hearts
to accept my humble offering
and forgive me.
Dibs on jalapeño cheddar!
Wait!
I want the jalapeño cheddar.
I'll maim you!
I'll maim you all!
Oh, not lox!
There are two important
matters left to discuss.
First,
I wouldn't be here
without two
very courageous people...
Jake and Matt.
Jake
and, of course,
Bradley,
and I think it's time
for a long overdue promotion.
From this moment forward,
you are no longer
unpaid interns.
You are now...
junior executives in training.
Hear, hear.
Bravo!
Well, at least he sort of
knows one of our names now.
Things are looking up.
And lastly,
I think we need to have
a very serious conversation
about what happened before
when I...
broke wind.
Wasn't that funny?
♪ Hoodley dup da boom boom ♪
And yet none of you laughed!
We were scared!
John said, "No!"
- I did!
- I did!
♪ I wish I was a monkey ♪
♪ And lived up in the sky ♪
♪ I'd sit
upon a fluffy cloud ♪
♪ And watch the world go by ♪
♪ I'd grab you by the hand ♪
♪ And lift you up ♪
♪ Then both of us would live
in monkey land ♪
♪ We'd dance around
the silver moon ♪
♪ And ride
the shooting stars ♪
Open the door!
You're gonna kill us all!
♪ I'd sit
upon a fluffy cloud ♪
Sometimes,
life can be so painful,
you just have to laugh!
♪ Up in ♪
♪ The sky ♪
Gee, honey, we'd have fun!
I'm not big on speeches.
All right,
who am I trying to kid?
I love speeches.
Love 'em.
Everybody in this room
has given
their heart and their soul
to this project.
You have worked overtime.
You have worked weekends.
You have worked holidays.
Mark missed the birth
of his firstborn.
Saul missed the birth
of his second born.
Mary missed the births
of her third,
her fourth,
and her fifth born,
and it is all in the idea
of sacrificing
to achieve something
greater than ourselves.
So whether or not this
wacky thing actually works,
we all oughta be damn proud
of the work
that we have done here.
Here we go.
Everybody raise your glasses.
Five, four, three,
two, one.
- Stop the test!
- It's been called off!
What the fuck are you saying?
The entire product
has been terminated.
We're all being let go
without severance.
On whose orders?
Christian DeVille's.
Christian DeVi-
I... I can't turn it on?
Not even once?
This is bullshit!
I gave my life to this project!
My life!
"CORPORATE"
Season 03 Episode 06
Episode Title : "The Wind of God"
Aired on: August 26, 2020
Rain jackets, lawnmowers,
piña colada mix.
If you can name it,
Hampton DeVille makes it.
And now, you can add hurricane
machine to that list.
Our guest today is dashing
investigative journalist
Bonan Marrow,
whose reporting
led to the public outcry
that caused
the hurricane machine
to be shut down.
Now, Bonan,
why would Christian DeVille
build a hurricane machine?
Well, inside sources say
he was planning to sell this
as a superweapon to the U.S. military.
Well, I know a lot of people
are calling
for Christian DeVille
to step down.
This is just one
in a long line
of questionable decisions
he's made.
I think we all remember
the Obelisk.
Why do you need an iPad
that big?
Well, you're the one who dated Christian.
Maybe you can tell us.
Is this man compensating
for something?
Ooh!
Bonan, I will never tell.
Except in my tell-all book,
which you can preorder now.
There's something
I need to discuss with you,
but you have to swear
on the Bible
that this stays between us.
Okay, I swear.
Both hands.
John, what is it?
I always believed
that Christian
had some master plan,
even if to us,
it might seem strange
or confusing
or illegal,
but lately,
I've started to have doubts.
To be self-critical,
I may be blindly following
an absolute madman.
I'm glad to hear you
say this.
The board of directors
is holding an emergency meeting
tomorrow.
Christian is vulnerable,
and you and I both know someone
who would make
a much better CEO.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm much happier
as a supplicant.
My podiatrist and I came
to that conclusion years ago.
I meant me.
I am going to make a play
against Christian,
and I need your support.
Whoa, Kate.
You're a full-blown Judas?
I can't believe I ever wanted
to be like Christian.
Too much stress, and for what?
Billions of dollars
and the power
to destroy the world?
Who has the energy?
It's funny, the fact
that our company is evil
doesn't bother me
the way that it used to.
I'm powerless,
and quite frankly,
I find that to be empowering.
We're honestly lucky
to be where we're at.
Nobody can blame us
for anything,
plus we get free bagels.
- Oh, right.
- It's Bagel Tuesday.
Where the fuck
are the fucking bagels?
This company is evil.
Is everyone excited
for Bagel Tuesday?
Yes!
Let's see,
I have plain bagels,
egg, onion, everything, poppy,
jalapeño cheddar,
and even a few cinnamon raisin
for the freaks.
Yes.
And we all know
what goes perfectly
with delicious bagels:
freshly roasted coffee.
And don't forget
the fresh-squeezed OJ.
Oh.
Oh.
All right.
Eat up!
I'm sorry.
I thought everyone was excited
for Bagel Tuesday.
Are you not all grateful
for the feast
I have provided you?
Hmm.
Well, you know, apparently,
a lot of people
don't appreciate
what I do for this company.
Some people even think
I should step down as CEO.
Well, let me explain something
to you.
There is no Hampton DeVille
without Christian DeVille.
I put the roof over your heads,
I put the clothes
on your backs,
and I feed you scraps of bread
like ducks in a pond!
Quack, quack!
Quack, quack, amen.
Now, I demand
complete and total loyalty
from my employees,
so if there are any doubters
amongst you,
speak now
or forever hold your...
No!
Oh, my fucking foot and butt!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay,
you fucking morons!
Somebody call the 5-0!
John.
John.
John!
Kate!
You were right.
Christian isn't a god.
He's the devil.
It's right there in the name!
Christian DeVille!
Like Cruella De Vil.
Wow.
Looking back, she was
a pretty bad egg herself.
Does this mean
you'll help me?
Yes.
But we're gonna do it my way,
which is whatever way
you think is best.
I make the rules,
and the first rule
is whatever you say goes.
There's something
we need to discuss with you,
but you have to swear
on the Bible
that this stays between us.
This has the New Testament
for Matt
and the prequel for Jake.
John,
forget the goddamn Bible.
Yes, sir.
We are making a play
against Christian,
and if you side with us,
you will have more money
and power
than you ever dreamed of.
Congrats, sluts.
Your days of doing grunt work
are finally over.
From this moment forward,
you are no longer
junior executives in training.
You're now senior executives.
In theory.
All you have to do
is walk out that door.
Actually, we decided
we like where we're at.
You guys just seem
really stressed out
all the time.
With very little power comes
very little responsibility.
We're Buddhists now.
Well, sucks to be you then!
You're gonna have
more money and power
whether you like it or not!
And a bigger office.
We like this office.
- How do you like it now?
- Hey.
- Huh?
- Ow!
- How 'bout now?
- Whoa, what?
Huh?
How 'bout now?
We are taking Christian down!
And so are you!
Want more, you sluts!
Want more!
- Ouchy!
- Ouch!
Welcome to the inner circle.
You're all here
because we trust you.
Or because you were
standing nearby
when we were trying to recruit
somebody else
and it would've been awkward
not to invite you.
Kevin.
Christian
is a psychopathic dictator
who has run this company
into the ground.
I think we can all agree
I will be
a more democratic leader.
So without further discussion,
let's move on.
Our job today is to build
a case against Christian
that Kate and I can present
to the board tomorrow.
So we need to make a list
of everything he's done wrong.
We only have one whiteboard?
Good point.
Matt, Jake, fetch us
some more whiteboards.
I thought we weren't doing
any more grunt work.
Save your crying
for bath time
like the rest of us.
The surgery was a success.
Your foot and butt will make
a full recovery.
However, I'd like
to keep you overnight
just for observation.
Is that really necessary?
- Don't worry.
- You won't be bothered.
When we learned
you were coming,
we moved all the other patients
on this floor
to the wet basement.
If you want the whole building
to yourself,
we can have them thrown out
to the streets.
- Hmm.
- No, they can stay.
Anyways, it'll just be you
and Nurse Richard here.
I'll take it from here, Doc.
Mm.
You don't remember me?
I'm afraid I don't.
I used to work
at Hampton DeVille.
Wrote a funny tweet
about a hurricane,
then you fired me.
- If you say so.
- Now, if you don't...
You know, my life took
a real dark turn after that.
Started drinking, gambling.
I got into dogfighting.
Those hounds
tore my ass up good.
Funny thing is,
I blamed you for all of it.
I vowed
if I ever saw you again,
I would do terrible,
terrible things to you.
Mm.
But then I found God.
Stitched my ass up,
enrolled in nursing school,
dedicated my life
to helping other people.
Now here I am.
All 'cause of you.
So...
thank you.
Glad I was able to help.
You know, when I saw you
admitted into the hospital
today,
I immediately knew
that it was all part
of God's master plan
so that I can do some good
and make you pay
for all the evil
that you've done to the world.
- Oh, wait, no, no!
- What are you doing?
Ooh!
That's... that's just...
- Okay.
- What else?
Christian's responsible
for turning 9/11
into a commercial holiday.
How could we forget
Remember Day?
What else?
I hit a fisherman
with my truck
a few nights back.
We could pin that on Christian
if you want.
- Toss it on the board.
- Wonderful!
Okay.
What else?
Well, I guess
there's the hurricane machine.
Says a lot that it took us
this long to even get to it.
To be fair, Kate,
you were pretty involved
in those hurricane machine
meetings.
I don't know if you can
pin that entirely on Christian.
- Hold your tongue!
- No.
John, he's right.
If Christian is going down,
he's gonna wanna take us down
with him.
We should see what there is
in writing.
Okay, so the first email
about the hurricane machine
was sent by...
Kate.
"Let's get the ball rolling
on this fantastic
hurricane machine idea."
And then I responded with,
"Count me in."
Okay, but Christian's gotta
be on here somewhere, right?
Let's see.
Uh, here's Jake.
"I'm in as long as we test it
on New Jersey first."
To which Kevin replied...
"LOL."
Christian's not even on
this thread.
That delegating motherfucker.
If Christian goes down,
we all go down.
I'm not going back
to the clink.
No one's going to the clink,
you idiot!
If I go back to the clink,
I'm taking you with me, Katie.
And you, too, Johnny Boy!
Kevin,
don't you dare threaten
to put me in the clink,
you fucking murderer!
Everyone stop calling it
the clink!
That's what they call it
in the slammer.
Guys, can we please
stop arguing
and just order some food?
We're all just on edge
because Christian
ruined breakfast.
Okay, let's just cross
hurricane machine off the list
and order some food.
What does everybody want?
Well, I don't want any fish.
- Well, great, Kev.
- That narrows it down.
Look who got a visit
from the dinner fairy.
Man, what the fuck
is going on?
Help!
Help!
- Help!
- Help!
Hel...
Right, I'm the only nurse
on duty.
I don't know about you,
but I'm feeling
a little naughty.
What do you say
we start with dessert?
That's good.
Oh, I get it.
You see me as some...
Evil billionaire
who's ruining the world
with my evil corporation.
Well, grow the fuck up.
That hurricane machine
everyone's so mad about
employed thousands
of hard-working people
until that bonehead
Bonan Marrow had to butt in
and get them all fired.
He's evil!
I'm the good guy!
Will you stop
making airplane sounds?
Uh-oh!
This plane is off course!
It's gonna make
a crash landing!
Oat Zone.
Another for Barley Barn.
And...
Pesto Palace?
God damn it!
It's another tie!
Okay, who keeps throwing away
their vote on Pesto Palace?
It's a third-party candidate
and you know it!
I vote on principle!
Why don't we just order
a bunch of pizzas?
What are we, a softball team?
Okay, you know what?
I'm in charge!
And we're going to Oat Zone!
What happened to being
a democratic leader?
Shut up and tell me
what kind of oats you want!
Rolled or steel cut?
Well, Oat Zone's closed.
Fuck!
Well, I'm thrilled,
because I voted
for Barley Barn.
- That's closed too.
- God! Jesus Christ!
Like no one ever wanted barley
after 2:00 a.m.?
They're leaving money
on the farm-to-table!
Matt, Jake,
go out and get us some food!
I thought you said we didn't
have to do grunt work anymore.
You go do the goddamn food,
you son of a bitch!
Go and get us
the fucking food!
- Go!
- Get up and get us food!
What I'm remembering now
is that being powerless sucks.
- Yeah.
- I definitely want money.
And power.
I don't know what
Buddhists are talking about.
Maybe you can only
be a Buddhist
if you already
have money and power?
Yeah, like how celebrities
only care about the environment
once they're bored
of having sex with each other.
Wait, Matt.
We do have power.
If we go to Christian
right now,
we could tell him
what Kate and John are up to
and sabotage the coup.
I bet he'd promote us
as a reward.
That's genius.
We'll get everything we want,
then become Buddhists.
Then have a ton of sex,
then start caring
about the environment.
Then...
No, Matt, that's it.
Oh.
Don't you ever just wish
there was more?
And then I wrote,
"Sell consumer data
to the Chinese government
"to disrupt
the next presidential election?
I'm down to clown."
To which Kevin replied...
"LOL."
"LOL."
Looks like we're complicit
in this one too.
Oh, great.
At least we're saving energy.
There's one thing
Hampton DeVille's doing
that's not evil.
I'm gonna say something
controversial.
I don't think
Hampton DeVille is evil.
I mean, what even is
Hampton DeVille?
A corporation.
Right,
but what is a corporation?
A building?
Money.
- A group of people...
- Maroon 5...
- Maroon 5.
- Maroon 5!
That's what I'm talking about.
What the fuck
is Maroon 5?
It's an imaginary concept
made up by a sociopath,
just like Hampton DeVille.
It's a triangle
we ascribe meaning to.
But we're the ones who drive
to the office in the morning
to have meetings
about hurricane machines.
Maybe we're the ones to blame.
We did all this evil shit
for a fucking triangle!
Okay.
You know, it has been fun
catching up,
but I think it's time
we wrap this puppy up.
You know, I'd tell you
that this is gonna be painless,
but I graduated at the bottom
of my class in nursing school,
so I'm just gonna guess
where your artery is.
Christian,
there's something we need...
Richard?
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, man.
Uh, hey, guys!
You're a doctor now?
Nurse, but yeah.
I fucking love nurses.
Best people on Earth.
Give us a hug, my dude!
- Come on!
- It's great to see you, man.
- Yeah, you guys.
- Yeah.
- God, what's up, man?
- I love pink on you.
You know,
you boys are just in time.
I was about to leave.
Now, now,
remember your doctor...
- Oh, no, no, no!
- I feel right as rain!
Just untie these straps
and let's go.
- All right.
- You heard the man.
Wow, they really want you
to stay in your bed here.
Like a prisoner or something.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so Kate and John are back
at the office right now
trying to stab you in the back.
But they didn't count on us
stabbing them
in their backs first.
Or wait, no.
Maybe we did it second.
Regardless,
it's self-defense,
so legally, we think
we're in the clear.
Seems like everyone
has turned against me.
Somewhere along the way,
I forgot
what Hampton DeVille really is.
It's people.
Good people,
like the two of you.
I'm afraid I don't
even remember your names.
I'm Matt...
I need to start listening
to people.
Is there anything I can do
to win everyone back?
So it's decided.
We're all gonna quit and stop
working for a corporation.
And just pray
that God forgives us.
Guess we have to move
to the woods.
Live off the land.
We could gather lumber
and sell it for money.
We should incorporate.
Avoid taxes.
That's a great idea.
Wait, no!
Even if we quit,
we can't escape!
If only God
would give us a sign.
Christian's alive?
You thought he was dead?
No, I guess I just got
caught up in the moment.
I know everything
you've been doing.
Christian, we're sorry.
It was all Kate!
- John!
- No.
No, it's okay.
Yesterday,
I said
there's no Hampton DeVille
without me.
But I was wrong.
There's no Hampton DeVille
without you.
I only hope
that you can find it
in your hearts
to accept my humble offering
and forgive me.
Dibs on jalapeño cheddar!
Wait!
I want the jalapeño cheddar.
I'll maim you!
I'll maim you all!
Oh, not lox!
There are two important
matters left to discuss.
First,
I wouldn't be here
without two
very courageous people...
Jake and Matt.
Jake
and, of course,
Bradley,
and I think it's time
for a long overdue promotion.
From this moment forward,
you are no longer
unpaid interns.
You are now...
junior executives in training.
Hear, hear.
Bravo!
Well, at least he sort of
knows one of our names now.
Things are looking up.
And lastly,
I think we need to have
a very serious conversation
about what happened before
when I...
broke wind.
Wasn't that funny?
♪ Hoodley dup da boom boom ♪
And yet none of you laughed!
We were scared!
John said, "No!"
- I did!
- I did!
♪ I wish I was a monkey ♪
♪ And lived up in the sky ♪
♪ I'd sit
upon a fluffy cloud ♪
♪ And watch the world go by ♪
♪ I'd grab you by the hand ♪
♪ And lift you up ♪
♪ Then both of us would live
in monkey land ♪
♪ We'd dance around
the silver moon ♪
♪ And ride
the shooting stars ♪
Open the door!
You're gonna kill us all!
♪ I'd sit
upon a fluffy cloud ♪
Sometimes,
life can be so painful,
you just have to laugh!
♪ Up in ♪
♪ The sky ♪
Gee, honey, we'd have fun!