Corner Gas Animated (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Float Your Vote - full transcript

[music]

- To Meg!
- "Meg"?

Does Hank have a girlfriend?

"Meg" is short for "Megalodon."

It's Shark Week, Lacey.
Read a book.

We're toasting sharks?
On the prairies?

How about...
to Dog River Days!

Is that comin' around again?

It's next week, and I haven't heard
about any planned activity.

That's because
there aren't any.

Someone was supposed
to remind us to plan them.



Who?

So no one remembers who
was supposed to remind us?

Okay, well, let's have a parade.

We've never had one of those.

We used to have 'em.
Every year.

Really?
Well, why'd you stop?

Wh... I don't remember.

Hey! Who's supposed
to remind us of stuff?

♪ You think there's not a lot
goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

Wanda, what are you
doing for the parade?

Lawn chair, sunscreen,
slingshot... the yoozh.

My list is massive.

- You've got to do your share.
- My share?



We were at the bar,
talking sharks,

and you decided we needed
to throw a parade,

and now I have chores.

You've done
more than your share.

All you need to do
is make one phone call.

The parades used to be
sponsored by Flameball Candy.

Contact them and see
if they'll kick in some money

and candy to throw out to kids.

Here's their phone number
and fax number.

Fax number?
Who delivers their stuff?

Knight Rider?
Hey-oh!

Lacey, about this parade.

- Will Miss Dog River be in it?
- Uh, probably. Maybe.

- Miss... "Miss" what?
- Great!

That means there's going to be
a Miss Dog River Pageant,

and I want to compete.

Let's drop the marriage status
and age limit.

A-And sex limit.

I'm saying
that me and my junk

should be able to enter as well.

Your junk hasn't entered
anything in years. Hey-oh!

I forgot my phone.

A pageant?
Uh, I'm too busy to care.

If I don't have to run it,
you can both compete.

And may the best...
Uh, good luck.

Why are you competing?

Because the winner
always gets to ride

in Anderson's classic
cherry red '62 convertible.

He won't let me get
anywhere near his car,

but if I win this,
he'll have no choice.

[cackling]
The fool.

- Why are you competing?
- It's a story from long ago...

I was a finalist
in the pageant years ago,

up against Helen and Mavis.

I was so insecure about losing

that I tried to sabotage them,

and was disqualified.

If you don't count my marriage,

it was the biggest regret
of my life.

Wow. I guess we both
have important reasons...

- you, for redemption.
- And you, for...

- a ride in a car?
- Convertible. 1962.

Brent, can you do me a favour?

I'm so busy with organizing
that I was hoping

you could make one big float

for Corner Gas and The Ruby.

So you can do
what you always do

and shoot down all my ideas?

When have I ever done that?

Uh-uh.

Duh!

[revving]

That last one didn't happen.

Could have, if you were
more open to my ideas.

Well, I promise, you can build whatever

float you want, hassle-free.
Please?

Ple-e-e-e-e-e-ease?

Ah, you know I can't say "no"

when you say "please"
with seven "e"s in it.

Whoops!
Davis, I'm going to be

riding my Ziptygo
in the parade,

and I need one officer
up front with me,

and another
on foot patrol. So...

So you want me to be
the parade marshal.

- I accept.
- Not a parade marshal per se.

You'll just be
shooing away drunk teens.

I'm a lawman.

Synonymously speaking,
I'm already a marshal.

Besides, it can't be Karen.

She couldn't lead
water out of a hose.

Fine. Just keep things
clear for my Ziptygo.

I might do some tricks.

Ooh! Oh...

Competing in this pageant
is serious stuff.

I think I'm gonna need
a coach or something.

Someone with class and grace,

who knows how to look great.
I need your help.

Well, I'm flattered, but
I'm too swamped to coach you.

No, no, no. I need your help

- convincing Karen to be my coach.
- Oh. [chuckles awkwardly]

She won a beauty
contest a while back.

Well, maybe
go ask her yourself,

- if she's so beautiful.
- Great idea. Thanks for your help!

Flameball Candy
was shut down.

Turns out you can't
line candy vats with asbestos.

So, no sponsor.

Anyways, made my phone call.
I'm out.

I want you to bring me
solutions, Wanda.

Find another sponsor.

[mockingly]
"Find another sponsor."

- Nah-nanny-nah-nah.
- What's her problem?

[still in mocking tone]
I don't have a...

I mean, I don't have
a sponsor for the parade.

Flameball Candy went under.

Too bad!
Murray was a good guy.

Wait, are you the one who
got them to sponsor parades?

Yeah. Flameball Candy sucked,
but it was great to throw.

You huck a jawbreaker at
a kid, it hit the mark.

[chuckles]
Sometimes it left a mark.

Plus, Flameball
gave good kickbacks.

- There's kickbacks?
- Sure! The kids got the candy,

but Oscar got the treats.

Getting sponsors
is a thankless job.

The least you can do
is get something

- out of it for yourself.
- For myself?

Who told you
I won a beauty contest?

You! At the hotel bar.

Every time
you have three beers.

Oh. Fine.

I won a beauty contest,
but that was a long time ago.

I'm not asking you to enter.

I'm asking you to coach me.

- Uh, me too. I asked first.
- First? You just got here.

Hey, Karen. Where's all
the stuff to wash the cruiser?

On the shelf in the storeroom,
back-stabber.

I'd say both of your chances
of winning are slim, since

one of you is married and
the other one has a penis...

but if you want my advice,

I would eliminate the competition...

like Bu and Tina, for example.

- How do we eliminate them?
- Anyone seen "I, Tonya"?

- I can't find the car shampoo.
- It's the bottle

with the red label that
says "car shampoo," jerkface.

Why are you being
so hard on Davis?

Because he threw me
under the bus,

and now he gets
to lead the parade.

Ugh! Makes me
want to bust some heads.

Then maybe you could talk
to Bu and Tina for us.

Y-yeah.
Just talk, though.

Don't go all
"I-Tonka" on them.

There's no way
I should lose to this guy.

At first, I thought maybe
do a standard tissue float

with the Corner Gas
and Ruby logo on it.

- That sounds great!
- And then I thought this...

Aliens run out of fuel
and land at Corner Gas.

While their ship
is being serviced,

they have lunch in The Ruby.

- It tells a whole story.
- Wow. [forced chuckle]

Wow, wow, wow.
Um, I-I...

I couldn't help but notice that
you're very hairy in that sketch.

Oh, that's not me pumping gas.
That's a Sasquatch.

I was gonna call it "Gas-Squatch,"

but my lawyer did some
clearance search and... pfft.

Now, let me guess,
you don't like it?

I didn't say that.

It just it-it-it...
it caught me by surprise.

Well, this is a rough sketch.

- Things could change as I work on it.
- Oh, good! I mean...

G-Good! ... Pfft!
More good things to come.

[chuckles] Uh...

[whistling jovially]

What the...?
My marshal mobile!

What the hell is this stuff?

This is your evening gown?

Dammit! I was
gonna wear purple.

Did you convince Bu and Tina
not to enter the pageant?

They were pretty stubborn.

"Miss Dog River"?

Parading around in swimwear,
looking for approval?

Sure. What is this, 1982?

But I managed to convince them.

Hey, how do you think
I'd look in chartreuse?

And, uh, what is chartreuse?

[grunting]

Hey, Brent.
I just thought I'd come by

and see how
things are going.

I've had second thoughts
about my original idea.

You can't have Sasquatch
and aliens on a float...

- Oh! I agree!
- ...without having superheroes too.

- What?
- What the hell are you doing?

My thoughts exactly.

Your design is
wa-a-ay too out there!

Ah, screw the design!

You're making your float
out of plywood?

What do you think
that's gonna cost ya?

Chicken wire and tissue flowers,
that's the way to go.

- And what makes you an expert?
- I've been building floats

since you were
knee-high to a diaper,

- and I'm telling ya...
- Well, I'm telling both of you

to leave me
and my float alone.

Lacey, you said I could
design it, so I am.

And I'm the only one
that's building it.

So if you don't mind...

Oscar...
how would you like

to build a float for The Ruby?

- Why the hell would I do that?
- It would give you

the satisfaction
of proving Brent wrong.

You had me at "wrong."

That was literally
the last word I said.

- But you can't tell Brent.
- You had me... at "Brent."

Hello.
Red Whip Licorice?

This is Wanda Dollard,
President and CEO

of the Dog River
Parade Committee,

and I have some
tremendous news for you!

After considering
many qualified candidates,

we've decided that you,
Red Whip Licorice,

makers of my favourite candy,
can give us free product

and sponsorship money.
Congratulations!

Sorry.
We don't do sponsorships.

Never have. Never will.

But this is
an amazing opportunity.

Perhaps you could
take me out to dinner

on your expense account,

- and I'll explain how...
- Don't do 'em. Bye, now.

[dial tone]

- The hell's his problem?
- Where are the Band-aids?

Damn chicken wire is scratching
the hell out of my hands.

Hey, Lacey. I feel kinda
bad about blowing up earlier.

It's both our float, so
we should both have a say.

I promised not to
criticize your work.

So whatever you do,
I'm 100% on board.

So you don't mind

if maybe I make Sasquatch
and an alien kiss?

Ooh! You know what would
make it even more dramatic?

If sparks flew
when their lips touch.

Yeah!
I-I could hook up a battery.

Great.
That is gonna be awesome.

[chuckles]
Keep up the good work.

Let's practice your posture.

Uh, isn't that
supposed to be a book?

Books are for losers.
Coffee is for closers.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow!

[cup shatters]

Losers don't have
burns on their scalps.

Karen,
can I speak to you, please?

You told me
to use the red bottle,

and look what happened.

No. I said the bottle with the red label

that said "car shampoo."

"Car shampoo"
is the key part of this.

Well, you said it fast
and called me "jerkface."

I got mixed up.
Now what?

You're the big, smart
parade marshal.

Figure it out, jerkface.

I need a sponsorship
update, stat.

Wanda?
What the hell are you doing?

- And wearing?
- I'm not Wanda.

I'm Whippy Shortstocking,

the about-to-become-beloved
mascot of Red Whip Licorice.

- Hi-yah!
- ...who does karate?

I'm just workshopping ideas.
Maybe she breakdances.

So the licorice people said "yes"?
We got a sponsor?

Well, they haven't said "yes" yet.
But how could they not,

once they see me
in this great costume?

Here, take some pics for me.

You really think this'll work?

- Won't know unless we... aah!
- So "no" to the breakdancing.

So... I really need some
coaching for the Q&A.

Relax. The secret is to
imagine yourself naked.

Don't you mean imagine
the audience naked?

Rookie mistake.
Imagine yourself naked.

Think about how
confident you'll be

once you have clothes on.

[camera shutters, phone rings]

- Hello?
- Wanda Dollard?

It's Mr. Cahill
from Wed Rip Licorice.

Ahem. I mean, Wed...
[groans]

Been working here 30 years,
I still can't say that.

Red... Whip... Licorice,

and we'd like
to sponsor your parade.

I knew it! [laughs]

So the photos
really sealed the deal, huh?

They absolutely did.

It's the same woman as before. My
concern is that it's escalating.

- First, the harassment...
- ...and now this lunacy.

That's supposed to be a mascot?

Looks like a bag
of bloody fingers.

Give her 500 bucks
and some candy,

and let's pray she goes away.

- We do not want a repeat of 2009.
- [tearfully] How many times

are you gonna bring that up?
I said I was sorry!

[wailing]

Gaah! Hot!

Geez, Emma! You screwed
up my posture exercise.

Aren't you supposed
to do that with a book?

Karen told me
to do it this way,

and she's the expert.
I guess beauty really is pain.

Is she really an expert?

She told me I should picture
myself naked

- to boost my confidence.
- Huh.

You better not be doing
what I think you're doing.

No, no, no.

Just out of curiosity,

what beauty pageant
did you say you won?

It was the, uh...
Miss...

Little...

Pageant.
Gah. All right, fine!

It was
a baby photo competition.

But I won!
I crushed those other babies.

- So, here's the thing...
- You're fired.

Dad, I need to borrow the...

- What are you doing?
- Lacey told me not to tell ya.

Oh. That's funny.
I was just talking to her,

and she told me to tell you
that you're supposed to tell me.

Geez, that woman
can't make up her mind.

Fine, I'm building a
classic-style float for The Ruby.

That's why she doesn't care
who my Sasquatch kisses.

- Squash your dishes?
- Never mind.

Lacey sent me over
to tell you that...

we're joining
our two floats together.

But don't tell her I told you.
It's a surprise.

That woman's a flake.

You know, I did spend some
time pretending I was naked,

and I feel great
now that I'm in clothes.

Maybe Karen does know
what she's talking about.

Speaking of Karen...

she just joined the competition.

- You're both going down!
- Are all of Fitzy's Foxes ready to...

Karen, w-what are
you doing here?

I'm about to show these two

- who the real beauty queen is.
- No, you're not.

Davis is parade marshal, so
I need someone on foot patrol.

That's you. And you can't do
foot patrol wearing a crown

in the back
of Anderson's convertible.

Ugh!
Stupid jerkface Davis!

Hey... you're not taking out
another "till loan," are you?

Like you have this kind of cash.

Red Whip sponsored the parade.
I knew my costume would work.

- What are you, a blood fountain?
- I'm Whippy Shortstocking.

I'm about to become
a beloved mascot...

the Mr. Peanut of licorice.

Is Mr. Peanut really that popular?

Mr. Peanut's
coming to the parade?

He's gonna see one of my floats?

Nope.
But Whoop-dee Redsocks will.

[scoffs]
She's no Mr. Peanut.

That guy's got style.
Oh, why did I come in here?

Oh! Yeah. You lazy idiot,
get out here!

- We've got to join our floats!
- Yeah, right behind you.

You landed a sponsor?
Job well done.

Oh, I'm not done.

If I got this from a few
pictures, imagine what'll happen

when I livestream
during the parade.

Those corporate eggheads'll
sign me up

to be their official mascot...

and then I'll be making
San Diego Chicken money!

Well, this is win-win.

You get mascot money,
kids get free candy.

Kids? No, no.
This kickback licorice is for mama.

Wow, I nailed it!
Looks great.

What do you think,
bright green bunny?

Oh, I think you've inhaled
too many paint fumes.

Step away from the vehicle!

Ooh... neon bunny
makes a good point.

I better get some air.

Oh, man.
I'm so nervous.

Shh! I'm getting into my smile.

And now, our first
contestant, Emma Leroy!

[music]

Emma!
What are you doing?

Mavis and Helen are judging.
They'll never pick me

after what I did to them
all those years ago.

My dream is dead.

- Hank!
- Attention, everyone!

I pulled a hammy vaselining
my teeth, so I'm out.

Emma Leroy
is Miss Dog River!

♪ Look at her ♪
[applause, cheering]

♪ Parading around ♪

♪ In her gown and crown ♪

♪ Smile on her face ♪

♪ Like she owns the place... ♪

I told you, the order goes:

Fitzy on his scooty thing,
marching band,

Won on a whale,
for some reason.

Won doesn't want to be
behind the marching band.

Something to do with the
wind and the spit valves.

Well, just tell him
to keep his mouth shut.

- Alright...
- Lacey, come see our float.

Ta-da!
It's just what you asked for.

I figured since you liked
Dad's idea so much,

that we'd mash them together
into one megala-float.

It's like a Megalodon,
but not a shark.

Ugh! Oscar...
I told you not to tell him.

And then you told him
to tell me

to tell him what you told me!
Yeesh, this one!

You did exactly what I said
you were going to do,

and now you have to live
with the consequences.

[tires spinning]

Hmm. Too heavy?

Maybe if Sasquatch didn't
have three alien girlfriends,

- this would've worked.
- Shaming Sasquatch about

his polyamorous lifestyle
isn't going to help anything.

Ugh! That's great!
"Come to The Ruby,

where the coffee tastes
like Sasquatch pee."

It tells a story!

- Where's the cruiser?
- It's right here.

Why wash it
when you can repaint it?

I'm not just
a parade marshal,

I'm a renegade billionaire
bat parade marshal.

Congratulations.
Enjoy riding in this beauty.

Enjoy driving this beauty.

My first move as Miss Dog River

was to command Mr. Anderson
to let you drive the car.

Whoa! Really?

Does Miss Dog River
have that kind of power?

Maybe. He might just be
scared of me personally.

[chortling]

Uh, hey, how fast
can we go in a parade?

What's up,
Red Whip Licorice fans? Execs?

It's me, Whippy Shortstocking,

your official mascot,
contract pending,

coming at ya live
from Dog River Days Parade!

Whew, it's hot out here.

Hey, kids!
I'm Whippy Shortstocking!

Do you like licorice whips?

Yeah, I love them!
Can I have some?

No. But you can have
a high-five

or a warm, sticky hug.
Dealer's choice.

You're supposed to give us candy.

Yeah, where's
the candy, freakshow?

- Yeah!
- Aah!

Hey! Wait a minute.

[kids] Candy! Candy! Candy!

Oh! Hey. Ow!
Hey! Stop that!

My hair's not edible!
Those are pool noodles!

Help! Anyone!

- Help me!
- Okay, kids, settle down.

Wanda, give 'em the candy,
and they'll stop.

No! That's my candy.
It's my kickback.

Well, you're getting
plenty of kicks back now.

- [chuckles] Enjoy!
- No! Karen!

Ah-ha-ha!

[over PA] Renegade bat
parade marshal coming through!

One side, citizens.
Do not approach the mayor.

Ahh! Ah...

Make sure you stop by
Corner Gas and The Ruby

to see our float...

which tells you to stop by
Corner Gas and The Ruby.

And know that the float
at Corner Gas

was built by the jackass
in front of me.

- They don't need to know that!
- Lacey told me to tell 'em.

Here.
Is that your mascot money?

No.
It's a cease-and-desist letter.

I have to destroy the costume!
The execs at Red Whip feel

I used "excessive force"
against "small children."

There's no mention of the fact
that they started it.

Well, you're still
better off than Hank.

None of this would've happened
if I was Mr. Dog River.

Exactly how did you crash a
car going four miles an hour?

Maybe I was distracted
by the melting candy woman

- fighting children.
- Hey! Now, no need to argue.

You're both equally ridiculous.

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
- ♪ I don't know ♪