Corner Gas Animated (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Tag You're I.T. - full transcript

Freeze!

I mean, stay.

Boy, that GPS tracking tag we
put his collar really works.

- That's a good boy.
- Thanks.

I was talking to the dog.

Come on, Hunter.
Let's get you home.

- Wanna go for a ride, buddy?
- Sure. Where are we going?

Nope, still the dog.

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

2x09 - Tag You're I.T.



So scaring the kitty
with vegetables

is your idea of a good time?

Why is the cat
afraid of a cucumber?

Kale is far more terrifying.

- Where do you find this stuff, Mom?
- Mew Tube.

The only place to find
all the cute cat videos.

Yeah, 'cause cat videos are
a real rarity on the Internet.

It's just harmless good fun.

If you want good fun,
it needs to be harmful.

The funniest videos online
are dudes getting

sacked in the 'nads.
Timeless classic.

There's an entire website
dedicated to it

called "Hard in the Nards."

Mom, maybe don't Google
"Hard" or "Nards."



People getting hurt isn't funny.
It's just plain stupid.

Well, stupid's where it's at online.

Here, let me show you one
that's the best of both worlds.

It's a video of a cat
clamped onto a guy's crotch.

Uh-oh.

Aah! Where did you all...

- This is an outrage!
- I'm in a Facebook flame war.

- Interrupting my sexy chats!
- Whoa, whoa.

Can someone rational
please explain what's going on?

- I don't know where you think you...
- I said "someone rational."

- You'll have to do.
- This massive,

but not out-of-character,
overreaction

- is because the WiFi is down.
- You need to reboot your router.

Ah.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.

WiFi should be back up in a jiffy.

Aah!
My god.

What else happens in this town
when my back is turned?

Don't ask questions
you don't want the answers to.

Why is everyone so upset
about my WiFi being down?

They didn't even
stick around to use it.

Oh, uh, we don't have to
be here to use your WiFi.

You don't?
Where does it reach?

Main Street, bar... my bathroom.

- Kinda weak in my basement.
- My WiFi can't travel that far.

No, no.

That's why we installed
the signal booster.

The what?

You mean I'm paying for
the entire town's WiFi?

We paid for the signal booster!

- And everyone knows about this?
- Everyone but you, apparently.

We thought you were
okay with this.

Yeah.
Why are you shocked

that people are using your
open WiFi? Brace yourself:

they use your ketchup
and napkins too.

Yeah, when they're here. These are
free things for paying customers.

We are customers. Just sometimes,
we're customers at home.

Yeah, we're not all
married to our careers.

If I turn around again,
will you all disappear?

I promise this won't happen again.

You're right. That GPS tag
made it a real time-saver.

Just think,
if we tagged everyone in town,

we'd always know
where everyone was.

That would make
our job way easier.

Except that would be a highly illegal
and massive invasion of privacy.

Oh. Right,
but consider this:

I assumed you'd be on board,
and I've done it already.

Ah! Aah!
Oh! Aah!

- It's not even a cute cat.
- Or a cute crotch,

but look at how many
views it's gotten.

- I just don't see what the point is.
- The point is,

sometimes you can make
a lot of money

and get famous from
a single dumb video.

You can?

- Ready to go?
- Let's get our stupid on.

Hmm....

Time to make a wish.

Hmm...

Watching you with technology
is more entertaining

than these videos
I'm enjoying...

- for free... on your open WiFi.
- Enjoy it while you can,

'cause I'm putting
a password on this thing.

As soon as I find its keyboard.

Great, looks like I'll just
have enough time to watch

the entire
Lord of the Rings trilogy.

The director's cut.

How on earth did you manage
to tag so many people?

I gave them friendship bracelets.
The GPS tags are in the charm.

If they're friendship bracelets,
why didn't you give me one?

You're a work friend.
Don't make this weird.

You can't track people
without them knowing.

This is really, really, really illegal.

If it helps the police,
how illegal can it be?

- I said three "reallies."
- When we're in the car,

we have the right
to surveil people.

What's the difference doing it
from the comfort of our desks

using technology in way
that it wasn't intended?

Because it's...
Hang on.

That's Rheena,
Michelle, and Mavis.

At Rheena's.
What are they up to?

- Maybe they're a girl gang.
- That's everyone from book club.

They said it was
cancelled this week.

Probably discussing "Let's Get
Together and Back-Stab Our Friend."

Yech, that's a terrible title.

Just think, we could become
huge Internet celebrities.

I could be bigger than
that epic mealtime guy!

I'm comin' after
your viewers, Harley!

Who the hell is Hank Yarbo, and
how is he stealing all my viewers?

Whoa...

He took that puck in the nuts
like a champ.

I'm inspired.

Hey, guys!
We're making a giant burrito.

It'll be a hockey bag
full of pucks and nuts,

covered in gravy.

I'm calling it... the Yarbo.

Hey! I was still musing!

It's my turn.
I'm going to be bigger

than vlogging sensation Casey Neistat.

Ah, I can't concentrate,
I'm too excited.

Okay, let's do this.
Spread your legs,

and pretend I'm not aiming
for your crotch.

Hang on. Why are we
wingin' the puck at my junk?

How am I going to wing
a puck at my own junk?

- Yeah, I guess you got a point.
- It's just physics, buddy.

Does anyone in here know
how to put a stupid password

into a stupid router?

- With no strings attached?
- And that would benefit us how?

Fine.
What are your strings?

One string, very reasonable.

- Hey! The WiFi is locked.
- Is it?

Huh.
I'm online.

Oh, that's right. I'm the
only one who has the password.

I and I alone have access
to the World Wide Web.

- I have it too.
- Well, of course you...

Geez, I was having
a friggin' moment over here.

Unbelievable.

Michelle said she was going
to the city to buy a romper,

but according to this,
she stayed home.

Huh, probably just sewed
a shirt to her shorts.

Here you go, guys.
Hey!

Are you on my WiFi?
How did you crack the password?

Ease up on the paranoia
there, Mr. Robot.

We don't need WiFi.
This tracking system works on GPS.

What are you tracking?

- People.
- Davis!

Whoops! Don't tell anyone.
Legal reasons.

Wait, are you tracking me?

No, I wouldn't do that to a friend.

- Here, have a friendship bracelet.
- Aww, that's sweet.

Hey, since we're friends,
what's the WiFi password?

Nice try.

"N-I-C-E...
Hmm...

That's odd.
According to Zeke's tracker,

he's been in that dumpster
for hours.

Hmm. He's usually only
in there 20 minutes, tops.

You better investigate that.
I'll stay here

and keep track of
Michelle's web of lies.

I'm on it.

And let Lacey know her
password doesn't work.

Hey, Lacey, I'm putting
together a film crew

to shoot a viral video of Oscar.

Do you know anyone with a
movie camera, and some lights?

Probably going to need
one of those best boys

I keep hearing about.

Oh, sure, I can get you all that.

Plus a crane jib,
and James Cameron to direct.

- No, no, I'll be directing.
- You don't need all that.

You can just shoot a video
with your phone.

I can?
Movie camera and egg timer?

This is one hell of a rig.

Your fluffy cousin tried to kill me!
This is payback!

H'yah!
Tell your friends!

Oscar, can you come here?

The old "step-on-a-rake,
smack-in-the-puss" routine.

Come on, stupid.
Find your mark.

Oh...
Well, this could hurt someone.

Dammit.

You left the rake on the...
Whoa!

Dammit!

Dammit!

Huh? Oh...
Oh!

Hmm...
Something's off.

- Are you wearing a cup?
- No.

Who's there?

Okay, I'm wearing a cup.
I might have kids someday.

I don't want them coming out dented.

You want to go viral or not?

Okay, let me explain
the concept of a nut shot.

I provide the shot,
and you provide the rest.

Wouldn't a shot to the noggin
be just as entertaining?

- Ah!
- Nope.

Oh man!
I can't believe how long

that cat stays clamped
on this guy's crotch.

Hang in there, kitty!

You got WiFi?
Wanna set up a hotspot for me?

Not as much as I wanna
tell you to get stuffed.

The information highway's
a lot faster

without all you Winnebagos
clogging it up.

Beat it.

Ah, should have gotten her
to pay for those chips.

Ah, well.
Whoa-ho!

That cat's still latched on there.

Whew!
How much longer does this...

Eight more minutes?

Anything to eat today?

What's the point
of going out for lunch

if you can't post pictures
of your food online?

- You could talk to your wife.
- We have been talking.

About how there's no free WiFi.

Hmm, well, maybe if you both
ordered burgers and fries,

and dessert,
and tipped 20%,

- I could do a little something for you.
- Intriguing.

Could you also
give me the password?

That's what I meant.

What did you think
the "little something" was?

Yeah, Won.
What did you think?

Don't share this with anyone,

or I'll have to
change the password.

Like you know how
to change the password.

- Okay, we promise.
- Hmm.

Turns out Zeke's
not dead in a dumpster,

- but my heart is.
- You should notify his next of kin.

I said he's not...
Are you listening to me?

Zeke threw my friendship
bracelet in the garbage.

Maybe he's not into jewelry

that looks like it was made
by a seven-year old girl.

I don't know about
this tracking thing.

Are you kidding me? You're a
genius for coming up with this.

See?
Looks great on me.

Brings out the colour of my wrist.

I don't know.
It doesn't feel like it's paying off.

Uh-oh. Rheena's about
to park illegally.

You could write the ticket
on the way to give it to her.

That would give me time
to make a new bracelet for Zeke,

with more masculine colours.

Go get 'em, tiger!

That's it.
Say good night, Gilligan.

This'll be gold.

Oh, whoa...
Yeah.

Seriously?
When has any human ever

gotten in a hammock without...

Grr...

Ow!

Psst!
Here's the password.

No sharesies.

Ugh, dammit, woman!

Why bring me lemonade
if I can't reach it?!

Wait until he finds out
it's not lemonade.

Stalking anyone
in particular, Mom?

You scared the bejesus out of me.
Quit being so sneaky.

Says the woman
crouched in a shrub.

Do you know how long
I've been in here trying

to get a video of Oscar
falling out of that hammock?

Oh, sorry I interrupted.

That would have been... hilarious.

Mom's got a ringer.

Dad.
It's only a matter of time

before she gets a video of him
doing something stupid.

If her video goes viral
before ours,

I'll never hear the end of it.

We've got to ratchet this up.

- Did you run all the way here?
- No, I drove,

but you've got a long driveway.
Whew.

I see you leaving
that bakery, Michelle.

Gluten-free, my ass.

Well, that was a waste of time.

Didn't you give Rheena a ticket?

I tried, but she hadn't
parked yet, and said I couldn't

give her a ticket for
thinking about doing a crime.

Then we spent half an hour

arguing the plausibility
of Minority Report.

It didn't save me any time,

and Rheena's extra mad at me.
This GPS thing sucks.

- I'm shutting it down.
- No!

I finally know
what everyone is up to.

Not everyone,
because not everyone

- in town has a bracelet.
- What?

Who doesn't have a bracelet,
and what are they doing?

You need to buy more tracking tags.

Forget it.
The power's gone to your head.

- Also, it's too much work.
- Oh, you're right.

Ugh, can't believe how sucked
into this technology I got.

- Give me the car keys.
- Why?

I need to get away
from the screen.

Clear my head,
maybe take a nap.

What the... What's with
the endless buffering?

Are you online?
How'd you get the password?

- What are you, CSIS?
- What's CSIS?

That's just what someone
in CSIS would say.

All you have to do
is order a lot of food,

and Lacey will
give you the password.

- But don't tell anyone.
- Tell no one.

What's a gal gotta do to
monopolize the Internet around here?

Merge with Time Warner?

Huh? Hunter?

I am not chasing that dog again.

Don't...

Don't you...
Don't even...

Oh, great.
Now I have to give Helen a ticket

for not picking up after
her stupid dog.

This program's killing me.

Why is Zeke the highway?

Wait.
Karen has Zeke's bracelet.

Where is she going?

So... Frodo is about to throw
the ring into the river of fire,

when he changes his mind
and keeps it,

and that sense of betrayal
Samwise felt

is not unlike what's burning
in my chest right now!

Aw, are you talking
about the Godfather?

No, that's Fredo!

But there's also betrayal
in the Godfather,

so let's go with that.
Bottom line,

you gave up the password.
You Fredoed me.

Aw, I'm sorry.

It only seemed fair
to make people order food

since I'm the only one paying for WiFi!

Well, I'm going to change
the password,

and I'm not telling
anyone what it is,

including you, Frodo.
Uh, Fredo.

Where did we leave off with this?

You can't just shut me
out of my own WiFi.

Oops, just did, and you're never
going to guess the password.

- Is it "Lacey betrayed me?"
- Not anymore.

So, you want me to jump off
the ladder onto a ball,

bounce onto the skateboard,

roll through a hoop of fire,

and smash crotch-first
into a teeter-totter?

Yeah, but make it look natural.

I don't think hula hoops
burst into flames naturally.

You're overthinking.

You're too aware of what's...
Hold on, that's the problem!

It's also the solution.

- Hey, Dad!
- What?

How's it going with
that prank video Mom's

shooting of you that
you're now totally aware of?

You son of a bitch.

Hey, don't talk about
my mom like that.

You're trying to
make me look stupid?!

You always look stupid.

I just want to share
you with the world.

How many views does an old
man yelling usually get?

Depends if that
hand-in-the-water trick works,

- and he wets himself.
- Who wet himself?

And why am I
getting a manicure?

We had an agreement.
We order too much food,

- and you give us free WiFi.
- Well, you had free WiFi,

and you got a delicious meal,

- so everyone should be happy!
- We're not.

- You owe us WiFi.
- Lacey stole our WiFi!

- Give us our WiFi back.
- Yeah!

You've been stealing
my Internet for years.

This is all because of
that stupid signal booster.

Oh, I should go smash it.

Yeah, but you don't know where it is.

Oh, don't I?
I'm going there right now

to smash it into a million pieces.
If you want to stop me,

you're going to have
to get there first.

- She's bluffing.
- Or is she?

Are you calling my bluff
on the bluffing?

Film all you want.

I'm not gonna be the star
of your dumb thing.

The competition is out.

Hank, go run 'nad-first
into that tree!

What? W-We talked about this.
I'm too aware.

Then close your eyes
and run into the tree.

Forget it!
I'm out too.

So...
you went and bought more tags

- to track the rest of the town, huh?
- What? No!

Aw, man! Have you been
tracking me this entire time?

That is not a friendly way to
dispose of a friendship bracelet.

- Did you see everywhere I went?
- If you're asking

if I know that you went to a
laser hair removal place, then no.

Okay, wow. This really
is an invasion of privacy.

- Experiment over.
- Oh, thank god.

- Friends again?
- Work friends.

Good enough.

Then, as your friend,
I have to say,

laser hair removal? Why?

You can barely see your mustache.

This is the longest you've gone
without being an idiot, Oscar.

- Knock it off!
- Come on, Hank.

Just follow your natural
doofus instinct.

I don't have to take this.

The verbal abuse, the physical abuse.

If you want to film something,

film me walking away.
Whoa!

Aah! Cucumber!

Aah! Kale!

- Did you get it?
- I got it! Did you get it?

- I did!
- We both got it!

The production value on this

will get us to the top
of "Hard in the Nards."

Again, I can't stress enough.
Do not Google any of that.

I need to see that tracking thingie.

Oh, we're not
doing that anymore.

I need to know where
everyone in town is going.

Trust me,
you don't want to know.

- Show me!
- Jeez, okay.

- Explain how this works.
- This is you at the police station.

The other blue dots are
whoever's wearing a tag.

Looks like a mob of them
are coming down Main Street.

They're coming towards
the police station.

But... they're supposed
to go towards the booster.

Unless...

Eight metres.

Six metres.

Two metres!

That can't be.
That's inside the room.

It's reading right, man!

They're on the roof.
Wait, where'd Lacey go?

Ha ha!
Suckers!

I knew you'd want
to protect the booster.

The tracking devices
Karen and Davis put on you

- led me right to it.
- Tracking devices?

We're being monitored?

Uh... don't you have
a booster box to protect?

Too late!
Ha ha!

There.
WiFi problem solved.

Oh, is it? I'm still the
only one with the password.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- And I'm the only one with a cleaver.
- We should talk.

How's our video doing?

- We rich and famous yet?
- Far from it.

- Check the comments.
- "Two-camera shoot."

"This is fake."
"Totally staged."

How dumb are these people
that they can't enjoy real stupid?

Oh, don't lose faith
in the stupidity of the Internet.

There's half a million hits
on "Hottie Meat Cleaver Mama

Loses It On Police Station Roof."

Will you stop
showing that to people?

Hey, they called you "Hottie."

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things
you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪