Corner Gas Animated (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Doctors Without Boarders - full transcript

I'm looking for Wanda Dollard.

Now you're looking at one
of the Dollard.

I'm from East Montgomery
University.

Hey!
I took online courses there.

Listen, if this is about the tuition,

I did not know my credit
card was maxed out,

or expired...
or not mine.

I'm here to deliver
your doctorate degree

in Philosophy.
Congratulations!

You're now an alumnus
of the Fighting Ostriches.

[toots horn]



The school is E.M.U.
but the mascot is an ostrich?

Well, damn.

I'll have to bring that up
at the next meeting.

Question.
Why are you hand-delivering

my diploma for an online degree?

You didn't untick the option
for hand delivery.

That probably shouldn't
be our default.

I'll bring that up
at the next meeting too.

Anyway, now you can say
goodbye to this dead-end job

and embark on a career
in Philosophy.

'Cause that's
where the real money is.

I only took the courses
to up my small-talk game.

Now instead of talking
weather with the farmers,

I can mix it up with a little
"Do we have free will?"



Or "How about
that Nietzsche? Huh?

He could really ruin
a church picnic,

- am I right?"
- I don't teach Philosophy.

I teach Mathematical Probability.

- So why did they send you?
- I drew the short straw.

[toots horn]

I've been waiting 20 years
to make that joke!

We're done here. I've got
a 32-hour trip ahead of me.

♪ You think there's
not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby
you're so wrong ♪

2x11 - Doctors Without Borders

[whistling nonchalantly]

Hey, Brent.
You seem chipper today.

I should be chipper.
It's my day off.

Plus, I just had some chips.

[skateboard slaps]

- [teens laugh and shout] Oh, yass!
- Nice!

Hey, watch it!

What's yer prob?
We're grinding a rail.

It's government
property, ya punks.

- Go grind something else.
- Ew.

Wow. You went from
chipper to curmudgeon

pretty quick there, old timer.

- You're Oscar 2.0.
- No, I'm not.

Now, scram, or I'll call the feds!
Okay, that was reminiscent.

Well, I think it's great
that they're skateboarding.

Better than being
on their phones all day.

Listen to The Lace.
She's so cool.

[gushing] Oh, geez.
Well, I'm not that cool.

Just compared to this dinosaur.

- "Scram! I'm a hundred!"
- Ooh, sick burn!

You're the GOAT, Lace.

Oh, hear that?
I'm a goat.

Why am I a goat?

Probably has something
to do with chin whiskers.

[music]

- It's unconstitutional!
- What, parking tickets?

What's your beef, copper!

You get off on stickin' it
to the little guy!

Why are you kicking up a fuss?
It's not even our car.

- It's not even a car.
- I'm just making a point.

Why do you never
support me, woman?

I do support you.
There was that time I...

Oh. No.
Well, that other time I...

- Huh. I'll be darned.
- See?

Fine. Whatever you
randomly oppose next,

I'll support you 100%.

Why are you writing that
ticket with your left hand?

'Cause I'm... left-handed?

Left-handed!
That's an abomination!

Right, Emma?
Right?

[sighs]

I support you 100%,
and regret this already.

[music]

"Doc-toriss...
Phil-o-so... raptor?"

It's my degree, Dorkus idioticus.

- I'm now officially a doctor of...
- You're a doctor?

- Uh, can you look at this rash?
- Not without vomiting.

So you're not a doctor?

I'm different kind of doctor,
a doctor of Philosophy,

but you should definitely
put some balm on your butt.

Butt balm, got it.
Thanks, Dr. Wanda.

That wasn't a medical
diagnosis, just common sense.

But keep up
the "Dr. Wanda" stuff.

A doctor could get used to that.

Hey, "The Lace."
Am I using that right?

"The Lace."
"Lacers."

"The GOAT," apparently.
I answer to all of them.

What can I do for you, old timer?

Can I get a table out on the patio?

- Sure. Why?
- Oh, you know us old folks.

Need the Vitamin D
to ward off osteoporosis.

Plus, looks like a lot
going on out there.

There is?

Hey!

- Hey, Lacey!
- Lacers!

- Lace-up!
- Oh, what's up, guys?

What brings you here
to the, uh... goat... pen?

You're the only adult in town

who doesn't rag on us
for skateboarding.

So we thought
we'd come hang here.

- You're cool, right?
- Yeah, you're cool, right, Lacers?

Cool, groovy, 23 skidoo?

I can't keep up
with you youngsters

and your funky slang
and your gender-fluid apps.

Oh, yeah, uh, absolutely.
Supes cool.

Hey, knock that off!

- What?
- Uh, knock that flower pot off

so there's more room for
you to do your grindboarding.

Didn't the military outlaw that?

Whoa, okay, stop it!

And, uh, come inside for
some fries on the house!

[cheering] Whoo-hoo!
All right!

- Free fries! Count me in.
- Not for you, Pops,

but I'll give you
the senior's discount.

Burn, but sold.

[music]

[quietly] I want you
to feel my bump.

Look, uh, I like you,
Mavis, but, uh...

Squishy. Bumpy.

- We all done here?
- "Squishy"?

I came here for some
medical advice from a doctor.

Who said I was a...

Oh, sorry, Mavis.
I'm not that kind of a doctor.

I knew it.
I mean, you're smart,

but you're not doctor smart.

Hey! I am a doctor,
and I know what that is.

It's called a ganglion.

I want you to treat it,
not name it.

It's a benign irritant...
with a cyst on her wrist.

My cousin had one of those.

You just have to hit it
with something hard.

- Hey-o!
- Oh!

Hey, it's gone!
Oh, thank you, Wanda.

Dr. Wanda.

[music]

Left-handed police officers.
What's next?

Left-handed soccer players?

- Why would that even...
- [Karen] Good morning.

It most certainly is not!

Your partner is from
H-E-double hockey sticks!

I don't really follow sports.

- I'm saying Davis can't be trusted.
- You're telling me.

He took all my cheese strings
and didn't replace them,

or eat them. He just made
little cheddar puppets.

I'm sorry to have to
tell you this, Karen.

Brace yourself.
Davis is...

left-handed!

So am I.
[gasps in shock]

You and Davis are both lefties?

- Do you know what that means?
- They excel in the arts?

They need a special can opener?

It means that 100% of
the Dog River police force

is left-handed.
Sinister!

Sinistra!
That's "left" in Latino.

- Is he okay?
- [sighs] I support him 100%

in his view that lefties are...
What was it again?

- An abomin...
- "An abomination."

So how much for
the cheese strings?

[music]

Three more plates of
bottomless free fries.

Can I get some more?
Mine are cold.

Maybe you shouldn't have poured

an entire bottle
of ketchup on them.

[giggles]

My bad!
I meant to hit Zeke.

- Oh!
- My bad.

My old grip's not
what it used to be.

[all shouting]
Napkin Fight!

Whoo!
[rowdy laughter]

Missed me!

Lookin' a little warm, The Coolest.

I'm just fine, The Oldest.

Can I get a glass of prune
juice while you're in there?

Keeps the train on time.

Ugh! Old people are gross.

This is a left-handed crisis!

First Davis, and now Karen.
It's an epidemic.

Who's next?
We need to rally the righties.

But maybe it's time
to find something new

to be irration...
... passionate about.

The important thing is that
you, you voiced your concern,

and I backed you up,
and now it's over.

- Right?
- Wrong!

[crowd chanting]
Left ain't right!

Left ain't right!

[music]

[chanting] Left ain't right!
Left ain't right!

You're not all here
to protest the fact

that we're lefties, are you?

[all chanting] Yes!

Just like we've always been,

and you've never
had a problem with it.

[all chanting] Yes!

What do you want us to do, quit?

You lefties are so dramatic.

We don't want you to quit.

We simply want you
to become right-handed!

[chanting in agreement]

Sounds reasonable.

- Does it?
- I don't know.

I just see a bunch
of tax-paying voters

who are upset about something,

so do what they want.

- But that's mob rule.
- Yeah! Mobs rule!

[crowd chanting]
Mobs! Mobs! Mobs!

I guess we're
right-handed now.

What's with the cake?
I can't cure diabetes.

[laughs]

I am aware there is
no cure for diabetes.

I brought you this cake

as "thank you" for
banging my ganglion.

Whoa, when did that happen?

Aw, Mavis. I can't
accept payment for that.

Ow!

You a doctor?
This is doctor cake.

I helped!
I'm kinda your nurse.

Uh, Doctor Wanda,
can you listen to my heart?

I've brought a flan.

Listen, Helen,
I'm not a medical...

Is that caramel? Sure, I'll
take a look at your tart.

Uh... heart.

[laughing]

You pea'd your pants!

"Pea" with an "A"!
Good one!

Oh, no, it's
Officer Right Hand

coming in for a drink of coffee.

[smack]

Ow!

Now it looks like you peed
your pants, with an "E."

Knock off the giggling,
you ninnies!

This right-handed stuff
is serious business.

- Hey, we're trying.
- Not hard enough.

From now on,
I'm following you two around

to make sure you
stay on the path.

The right path.

[skate wheels rolling]

Hey, Emma,
I was wondering

if I could get your help
with something.

- A lot of the local teens are...
- Teens are what?

Is there problem, Goat-chella?

And tell me in words
I can understand.

None of your hip street jive.

No problem.
Everything is absolutely lit.

- [smack]
- Ow!

That's a right-handed door!
Come on, Emma!

We're following these
degenerates around all day.

How about I
support you remotely,

by keeping an eye out
for other lefties in town?

Good thinking, woman!

Don't ever get married.

[music]

Dr. Wanda will see you now.

- I need an oil filter.
- Do you have an appointment?

Hey, Won, let's get
you up on the table.

[telephone rings]

Hank...

[clears throat]

Nurse Hank, can
you get the phone?

[grumbles]
Nurses do everything.

Corner Gas General,
Nurse Hank speaking.

Well, that's nothing
to be concerned about.

Can I talk to Wanda for a sec?

The doctor is busy right now.

Are you guys...
playing doctor?

Playing?
I wish.

No, Wanda's really a doctor,
and I'm her nurse.

Please don't bleed on the ham!

Well, I was just
calling to check in,

make sure everything was weird
and didn't make sense.

Carry on.

[beeps off telephone]

I owe you...
"bum circle"?

That's not a bum, it's a "3."
3-0. $30.

[smack]
Ow! Son of a...

[grunts]

I'm drawing a line, Oscar.

Draw it with
your right hand!

[music]

- Nurse.
- Doctor.

Did you have the audacity
to take the sliver out

of Michelle's thumb while
I was on a lunch break?

[muttering] Your whole day
is a lunch break.

- Excuse me?
- Yes, I did, and I nailed it.

I even earned a croissant.

Nurses don't get pastries!
Doctors get pastries!

Now, stick to
your medical duties,

and stack that wiper fluid.

Uh-uh-uh...

[groans] I need you to
get those skateboarders

out of The Ruby.

This whole thing has
gotten out of hand.

Please don't use
the word "hand."

Well, did you ask them
to leave?

I can't.
I need them to think I'm cool.

Plus, there's this whole
back and forth teasing

thing with Brent that
I really need to win.

Have you considered

that we might have
more important things to do

than deal with your guys's
weird flirty stuff?

Flirting?
Grow up. This isn't high school.

It's about me looking cool
in front of teenagers.

- Here's the thing, Lacey...
- I prefer "The Lace."

Here's the thing, Lacey.
We can't do anything

unless you make
a formal complaint,

and if you do that,
the kids will find out.

So we can't lend you a hand
to give you the upper hand.

I can't stop saying "hand."

[groans]

- [smack] Ow!
- Let it go, Oscar.

We've been
right-handed all day.

It's not that easy.

There's a scientific process
to abandoning the dark side.

You've barely
made it through Phase One.

- ... of two?
- Of 12!

I don't feel so good.

- Maybe I should go see Dr. Wanda.
- Wanda's a doctor?

I'm hearing reports
that you're operating

an unlicensed medical clinic?

- Uh... technically.
- Great.

I need a doctor's note

that me and Davis are
now medically right-handed.

Happy to help.

- Whoo!
- Please, no cheering.

Always keen to use
my power for good.

and you've got
a really high rating.

Really?
Yay me!

I mean, I'm not
that kind of doctor,

but they called it "StarMyDoc."
Pretty vague.

It's really their fault
for not specifying.

So in conclusion, yay me!

[music]

[music]

Five stars, five stars, five stars.

- These reviews are amazing.
- Sure, I'm good.

Talented, even.

Am I popular?
Clearly.

But these websites
don't actually mean...

One star?
Who gave me one star?

"Doctor Wanda
would rather take lunch

than treat
her patients in need,

but top marks for Nurse Hank!"
Aww...

I'm gonna track down this
@DogRiverMichelle person,

whoever she is,
and give her a piece of my...

Oh!
It's probably Michelle.

[video playback blares,
teens laugh and whoop]

If you're here to gloat,
go away.

No gloat, GOAT.
Just soaking up the chaos.

Why don't you just
kick them out?

[sighs] Because...
this is the first time in my life

anybody ever thought I was cool.

I'll tell you what's cool.
Being a crusty curmudgeon.

Check this out, home slice.

Hey, Snapchats!

Time for you to
Scramazon-dot-com.

It's not your diner, prune dude.

We only leave if The
Amazing Lace tells us to.

Aww. [chuckles]
They called me "Amazing Lace."

I can't kick them out.

Then maybe you should
just call the cops.

I already did, and they
refused to get me any help.

So... yeah.
This is their fault.

Hey, gang!

I love chillin' with you
in my eatin' crib,

but there's a way more
badass place to hang out

and do rails...
the Cop Shop.

- Yeah, edgy.
- Ooh, dangerous.

Bangin'!

[all laughing and joking]
Sick!

They left, and I'm still cool!

- What does bangin' mean?
- Pretty sure it's somethin' filthy.

[muttering]
Filthy teenagers.

"Dr. Wanda and her magic hands

give her patients top-tier service... "

I don't feel good about
writing false reviews

to boost your ratings.

Do you feel good about
shutting up and typing?

- "I give her six stars."
- It only goes up to five.

A-ha!
Read it and weep.

What?
Since when is Wanda a doctor?

Since never, that's when.
Ha!

- Do you think he bought it?
- I don't.

This is beyond
the medical realm anyway.

We're on to Phase Two.

- Positive reinforcement with treats?
- No. Public shaming.

With treats?

You're going to
publicly denounce

your left-handedness
as shameful,

evil, and a transgression
against humanity.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Karen and Davis!

[scattered applause]

You can't boot me off the site.

I'm technically a doctor,
and didn't you see my reviews?

I did not write those. I dictated
them while my nurse typed.

[muttering] And he's not
even technically a nurse,

so he's the one
you should be...

[dial tone beeping]
Aw, we got cut off.

Those elitists booted me
off StarMyDoc

just because
I'm not a physician.

- Tell that to my patients.
- Well, there goes my dream

of being the world's first
male nurse.

There's been male nurses
in this country

- since the 1950s.
- Huh, then no big deal.

Let's get this place back to normal

before you lose your actual job.

- Sound good, Wanda?
- Dr. Wanda.

I'm still a doctor of Philosophy.

And to quote Kierkegaard,
"Suck on that, haters."

Come on,
start shaming yourselves.

You're losing the crowd.

Oscar, there's no way
we're doing that.

Yeah, we need
some time to prepare.

Write a speech, workshop it.

[grumbling in disappointment]

Hey, what's going on?

Just a good old-fashioned
left-handed shaming.

What's wrong with
being left-handed?

Yeah, we should celebrate
our differences.

I have a nose ring.
Zeke has red hair.

Yeah, Tina has webbed feet.
You should see her swim.

Being different is what
makes us all great. [music]

You should never be ashamed
of what makes you unique.

[weeping]

- Oscar, are you okay?
- I have something to say,

and this may shock
some of you...

perhaps most of all, my wife.

Is this about you
being born left-handed

and being forced
to change as a child?

Yeah, that.

So when I was a young...
Wait a minute,

how the hell did you know
I was born left-handed?

We've been married for 40 years.
There's been a few clues.

Did I ever tell you
I was born left-handed?

Ugh, not this sob story again.

Well, if you knew,

why did you back me up
on this crazy witch-hunt?

Jeez, you're mad when
I don't support you,

you're mad when
I do support you.

- You can't have it both ways.
- Yes, I can.

- You know, I'm bi.
- Ambi, Oscar.

You're ambidextrous.

[mob grumbling in disappointment]

Thanks for backing us, kids.
We really appreciate it.

No problem, 5-0.
Now it's grind time.

- Whoo!
- Yeah! Check it out!

- Whoa...
- No, it's confiscatin' time.

You can't skate here.
It's official police property.

Yeah, and Lacey doesn't
want you skateboarding

at her place either.

[teens gasp in shock]
What? No! Lacey said what?

Did she want us
to keep that quiet?

- Not cool, Lacey.
- Amazing Lacey?

- Narc!
- Hey, Lacey's not a dork.

- They said "narc."
- Well, whatever the hip lingo is.

She put up with your
claptrappin' shenanigans...

Jeez, how old am I?

Anyway, my point is,
Lacey's the coolest person I know.

Aw, thanks, Brent.

Old Man Leroy Junior
thinks Lacey's cool.

That makes her
an even bigger dork.

Okay, I'm sure they
said "dork" that time.

I don't care anymore.

I want all of you kids out of here.

You've been rude,
disrespectful, disruptive...

They're already gone.

I know, I just need
to get this off my chest.

And furthermore,

your pants are too baggy,
and get off my lawn!

Whew...
Oh, that felt good.

[music]

You're back.
What are the odds?

Get it?
Probability?

- Can I see that for a quick sec?
- Okay, but be careful.

I need that to get
discounts from drug reps.

[smash]

Hey! That was like the
opposite of careful!

E.M.U. has been notified

that you impersonated
a medical doctor,

started an illegal practice,

and accepted
carbohydrates as payment.

There was also ham.

You, Wanda Dollard,
are no longer a Fighting Emu.

Fighting Emu?
H-Hey, you changed the name!

We did.
That was a great catch.

Anyway, sorry
to revoke your degree,

but it's your own fault
for developing a God complex.

- Does a God complex really exist?
- There you go!

Stick to Philosophy,
and no one gets hurt.

No one gets baked goods, either!

[music]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ It's a great big place ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪