Con Man (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - Behind the Lines - full transcript

Meanwhile on Con Man...
I have the script! It's a western with Eastwood!
Hush it down! No one is supposed to know about this.
I'm Karen.
Convention sent over a personal assistant.
She's dressed just like me.
I just came to get my lucky pen back.
Is that his pen?
No it is not.
You are insinuating that Mr. Nerely is a petty thief.
Leave the line! Now!
Is that my script? That was in my pocket.
Yeah, so was your wallet.
I needed to get some cash so I could make extra copies.
And Clint wouldn't mind if I rehearsed with you.
Ok. Hush. Hush. Please
Con Man - Episode 5 - "Baby Boom"
subtitles by fkick
Oh, perfect.
- Oh great... -Here - ...this is wonderful
(Gasps) Lights, camera, action.
You sit here.
So let me just sort of set...
The stage for you.
All right.
Now, uh...
The wagon train has been attacked by Indians.
- I know. -Okay there are dead bodies everywhere.
Throwing around like dirt.
This way. That way. They're all over... They're spread apart.
Okay... and... we're tired.
And we're very thirsty.
(Gasp) We're scared!
But we're still alive.
Echo (Bird Screech)
Buzzards.
Think they know what we don't?
- It's been days, Tucker.
(Deep inhale)
What should we do?
- Nothing. Not till Cody...
- He's dead.
Everyone is dead. - No Cody made it out.
Cody made it out!
Tucker I can't see.
I can't see. I can't see anything! - Be still...
- Is that you? -Be still!
Be still.
You're...you're...you're bleedin' again.
- You smell that?
That's...that's my wound. It's infected.
- Stop it!
Bobby! What are you doing?
You're supposed to be playing an old man. A dying old cook.
Well I thought Cookie was a sassy prostitute.
Where are you getting that?
"Crusted chilly baked into his beard."
That is...
It is not in the line.
- No it's not always in the lines.
It's what's behind the lines.
Yeah.
I got that tip on the set of Kojack.
From Mr. Telly Sevalas.
That wasn't the only tip he gave me that day.
He's a big tipper.
I wanna... I wanna work on this alone.
Oh.
Really.
Yeah.
Okay, well, uh, let me give you a little lesson.
All right.
Acting is half reacting.
Watch my snuffs.
Oh you've got to be kidding me.
How the...Bobby!
(Growling)
Ah!
I rip out your heart!
And show it to your dying eyes!
Die human!
Jerry!
Stop it man!
I got you so good!
You were so scared.
- I was not. - Yes you were
- I know it was you. It's that character you did for that video game.
- Missed you in Vegas.
Screw Vegas.
This thing stinks.
It's a bit steamier then a MOCAP suit.
It smells like wolf's urine and ...
Brie.
Kinda like it.
- Ouch.
Oh, I'm broken.
Back?
I got something for that.
You dick. I have to record an audition...
Oh hey! Can you help me record an audition this weekend for a movie?
For a Clint Eastwood western?
Why are you whispering?
Because it's top secret.
Nobody can know about it.
Does Clint know?
Yeah...
Cures what ails ya.
I don't know man.
Is it strong?
- Nah
Unless you're drinking.
Well I'm not drinking.
I am going to be doing a little cross species breeding this weekend.
(Animal Noises)
That requires a lot of booze.
So...
See you in about twenty at that thing with those people?
- Yeah, yeah. Give me a little bit.
(Animal Screech)
Ouch.
Hey, hey.
Hey buddy.
Hey buddy. How's it going?
Oh I'm bored.
Finally have a day off, and relaxing feels like failure.
Why aren't you here?
You cancelled.
No...
My assistant cancelled.
He's not working out.
I wish I was there with you.
I wish I was there...
Hey man, I have an audition...
(Whispering) For Clint Eastwood.
For a western.
And I was wondering
if you knew him.
I don't know.
Maybe put in a good word for me?
All famous people don't know all other famous people, Ray...
But yeah I know him.
He borrowed my lawn mower.
He owes me a favor.
Seriously, dude.
Thank you so much!
Mr. Moore..
I still can't find the lawn mower.
It's not there.
It's rocks.
You don't mow rocks.
Oh hey!
Thomås, Hugo. Jugar el poker?
Sí, I love poker.
You know I speak English?
I went to USC.
Okay. I'm gonna go win some free landscaping
Thank you. Thank you, man.
These are the platinum members.
Talk to each table for fifteen minutes.
When the bell rings...
Switch tables.
- I'm not that interesting.
- People are here to have fun Ray.
Be fun.
- Remember, Lieutenant...
Be who they think you are.
- No, that didn't work.
- Then just be yourself.
- Myself.
I can do that.
Thank you.
Be myself.
(Bell Rings)
Thank you.
- Smile.
So...
Anybody have any questions?
Are you guys going to make a Spectrum movie?
God, I hope not.
Any other questions?
Nothing?
So after Spectrum...
What's your favorite Sci-Fi project that you've done?
Galactic Justice.
That one...
That one blew.
Time Jackers... That one sucked....
Infant One sucks.
Infant Two sucks even more.
But they didn't suck anywhere near as bad as the prequel...
Into the Womb
Back to the Fetus.
- The alien baby was awesome!
- I bet you think that about all the babies...
because you're about to have one.
One what?
One what?!
If you could do any movie...
What superhero would you be?
If I could do any movie...
It wouldn't be a superhero movie.
I would do a Cohen brothers movie.
I would do a Wes Anderson movie.
You don't like Sci-Fi?
Gonna be honest with you.
I hate Sci-Fi.
- Nerely! (Laughter)
Whose ready for some hard stuff?
It's unanimous
- Lose the flask, Bilbo.
Let's do this!
Am I on the Death Star?
Oh my god.
Have you seen her?
This is the best Balaron costume I've ever seen.
Ever since, uh, we went of the air...
I've never seen a Balaron.
Scariest race in Spectrum.
I made you some bourbon balls.
- Yeah?
That is very nice of you.
- I hope you like them.
How do you put bourbon into balls?
Carefully.
She's shy. - Yeah okay.
All right!
- Nope. No.
- Wait, what are you doing with my bourbon balls?
- I'll keep these for you.
Then let's just drink some bourbon!
Bourbon for Mr. Nerely!
Everybody!
Whoo!
You're a crazy man!
You look just like that guy who was in the other bar!
Andy Serkis.
What's so great about Andy Serkis?
Circus is where the clowns live.
- You know what I have never seen in any circus?
And I've been to circuses all over the world.
You know what I haven't see at any circus?
Your penis.
No, it's the corporatization of America.
I mean they've come in.
All the studios are corporations now.
They...
Are retarding...
Art.
- Exactly.
Retarding it all up.