Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 9 - Grifting 101 - full transcript

When a clever clever con man, Professor DeSalvo, uses his class to cheat the study group, they enlist Jeff get revenge. The situation goes awry as Britta and Dean Pelton get involved in Jeff and Professor DeSalvo's scamming competition.

Jeff, you haven't even looked
at the new course catalog.

I'm like a kid in a candy store.

Well, the candy has lost its
appeal now that I work at the store.

You might say becoming a
teacher here gave me diabetes.

I was just saying that.

Are you always thirsty and fatigued
and you have blurry vision and

your cuts heal slower?

Those are actual diabetes symptoms.

That's what the doctor said.

So, is he treating it?

I asked him the same thing.

What did he say?

He said, make an appointment through
his office during business hours.

This is his home, his children sleep here.

You know doctors.

Oh, my gosh, you guys.

There's a class called Basic Grifting.

Should we all learn how
to be grifters together?

Wait, what do grifters do again?

I got this.

I'll tell you for five bucks.


You better sign me up Me too.

I've always wanted to learn more
about grifting ever since I saw 1990's,

The Grifters, featuring John
Cusack, Anjelica Huston, and

almost no grifting.

You guys, don't take a grifting class.

You're going to get grifted.

Even more so than by that oceanography
class, only none of you will

even get a goldfish, then you're
gonna come crying back to me.

Why you?

Because, lets face it,

I'm the closest thing that Greendale
has to an experienced grifter.

Oh, this is one of those things where
Jeff gets jealous of something dumb.

Jeff's jealous of a grifter.

Because he wishes he was still a grifter

That's something even I could
mock, and I live in an RV.

I'm judging you, and my dinner
table folds down from a wall.

I say we all take the grifting class
together, have a great time, and

rub it in Jeff's face!

Who's in, and can you cover me?

I'll pay you back.

I'll get it from your parents.

I'll pay you back.

At which point I'll pay back your parents.

Which will be never.

I'll get a high five from your parents.

All right, each student
should bring a briefcase.

I don't have a briefcase.

We're gonna grift with briefcases?

Basic my ass, that's advanced.


I have a few extra briefcases.

Shocker. Are they regulation?

We each need a regulation
grifting briefcase.

It's a grift.

What's a regulation briefcase?

I don't know.

But they're provided for only $150.

You're being grifted.

Shut up, Jeff.

You're such a negative person.

What do you contribute to
this group besides negativity?

Guys, watch this, can I borrow $150?

No. See!

Now who's gonna come with me
and show this guy what's up?

I'll pay you back. I'll
get it from your parents.

Tell them I spit on their
wealth and thank you.

Good morning.

My name is Professor Roger
DeSalvo, for the time being.

For I use many a pseudonym, such
as Jeff Goulash, Philip Switch,

or Baz Ravish.

For I am a grifter and
this is Grifting 101.

Now which one of you thinks
I did that on purpose?

Exactly, you think you've seen me fail.

You think you've spotted a weakness.

Let me tell you something, with a flick
of a wrist, I could show you a fool

one minute, or longer.

I see you've got your briefcases.

Excellent. Hold them aloft.

Pass them to each other.

Now pass them back.

Do it at speed.


Pass them like hell.

Pass them like your sister's dying,
and continue that for about 40 minutes.

Wait, 40 minutes?

What's your name, my love?

Annie Edison.

That sounds like a real name,

not the name of a grifter
and therefore, not a teacher.



My name is Slick Pockets Tucker.

No, it's not.

That's correct. I was just wondering
what the next lesson will be.

The next lesson will be
passing two briefcases.

You need to master the
art of passing one, and

then you can purchase another briefcase.

What? You talk too much.

Keep passing.

It's a very funny book.

Oh no, grifters.

I better watch my french
fries unless, counterfeit?

Where'd you learn to do that?

We didn't learn anything.

That class is... A rip off?

Hm, what's another word for that?

All he did was throw his hat
and make us pass briefcases.

And, he kept trying to sell us stuff.

Briefcase swapping talcum for
grifters palm, briefcase hinge oil for

silence switcheroos, and something
called extra believable socks.

Those are actually half off, I
kind of feel like I grifted him.

So in a sense, what happened is
you took a class about grifting.

Aaaaaannnnnd... Jeff, you
really need us to say it?

You were... Eh, whoa, whoa,
yeah I need you to say it.

Let me just get settled.

Okay go.

You were right.


Well, you live and you learn, guys.

Well, you live anyway.

So now, will you please help us?

Help you?

We want revenge.

We wanna grift him back.

You wanna grift a grifter?

That's as dumb as taking his class.

Just cut your losses.

But, Jeff.

I begged you not to go down this
path, and you made fun of me.

You pointed in my face and laughed.

We're sorry we hurt your feelings.

My feelings are fine.

I'm just very lazy, and you
gave me an excuse to do nothing.

I'm not just gonna throw that away.

You don't want to take this guy down?

He's even lazier than you.

Doesn't your species
consider that a challenge?

Shouldn't you be on some kind of reverse
pissing contest to determine who's


Wait, is that where you
suck it back up in your?

I'm sorry, I've only ever
done it the other way.

You mean peeing?

No, I mean in the back.

He hasn't done anything to me.

In fact, he sounds like a pretty good guy.

I bet we'd get along.

Good show.

Good show.

What show?

I haven't seen that show.

All right.

All the best.

And, you are?

Well, I was the guy with a full bottle
of scotch and a high tolerance for


How robust.

I'd imagine that you're Jeff Winger.

Turns out we're going to be office buddies.

Hello there, sir.

My name is Roger DeSalvo.

Or is it?

You see, I happen to be
in the... Grifting 101.

Yes, I've heard about you.

That would be your desk.

If you need a mnemonic device,

it's the one without someone
else's stuff all over it.

Well played, very well played.

I gotta say.

I admire your style.

Grifting people by selling
them grifting lessons?

It's genius, but I called it.

I never said my class was a grift.

I don't worry about me, I'm one of you.

Was, anyway.

Do tell.

Well, I worked at one of the top law
firms in the city as a lawyer, but

guess what.

I'm not a lawyer.

Well, I think you're talking about lying.

Grifting happens to be an art form.

The art of lying.

Let's not get high-handed.

Grifting is lying.

Okay. So, like a string is a sweater?

Like, paint is the Sistine Chapel?

Sure, grifting includes lying, but
only a liar would call grifting lying.

And, only a delusional
hobo would glorify stealing.

Really? Did you say something
that wasn't true there?

Maybe we should phone the museum.

I was on your side.

You're an ass.

Well, you're a craftless, artless thug.

And, I'm God's paintbrush.

No, I am God, which pretty
much makes me better than you.

You know what?

Let's agree to disagree.

It's not important.

Oh, okay.

So, you can lie.

Yeah, you liar.


I wanna speak to you, you son of a bitch.


I love you.


I do too.




Why are you guys still doing that?

Well, it was homework, and
we're getting better, right?

Or, the friction has gradually melted
the handle to fit into our palms.

There's nothing to get better at.

The class is a grift.

The next person who says
grift is gonna grift!

My god, now it's replacing other words.

All right, I'm in.

Let's grift the son of a bitch.


Why are you cheering?

He could be saying anything.







Good work, I can't remember your name.

Likewise, no idea what your name is.

Great job.

All right.

I say you're pretty close to
swapping the briefcases loaded with

actual fake money such as this.

This isn't real money,
it's just cut up newspaper.

But it weighs the same,
costs five dollars a piece.

You'll be using ten.

Telegram for Elroy Patashnik.

I'm Patashnik.

Telegram, sir.

Oh, my God.

My Aunt Baba died on
vacation while in Africa.


But she left me a million dollars, but

the African government
wants to seize the funds.

Class dismissed.

Not you.

Are you out of your mind?

What? The African telegram.

The Jim Belushi of grift?

Are you trying to grift me?

I'll cut you in for fourteen grand.

Get out.


One more thing.

Nice try twice.

Twice? The fake grift within the
grift, or the double bean, if you like.

I'm gonna mention a name and however
you react, I'll know the truth.

Jeff Winger, that's the one!

Jeff Winger? What with the, who?

That's the one.

Out you go.

Say hi to him.

By the way, Jeff Winger, nice try thrice.

Hey, how was grifting class?

Did you teach some advanced grifting
techniques only you could understand?

The Brown Betty?

The Texas oil baby?

The reverse Jim Gaffigan?

Well, I wouldn't teach
the African telegram.

Since I'm not a hack.

And also, since the Internet.


You got me.

Game over.

- Let's end this competition
- Cheers to that.

Sir, you.

That guy left his lottery
ticket on the table.

That was the telegram man.

No, it wasn't.

I mean what telegram?


What telegram?

Because the Internet, you know?

That place that you obviously went
to to type in the word grifting.

I'm gonna grift you.

I'm gonna grift your ass.

Or is that the grift?

None of it is a grift!

It's all nonsense!

Okay, how many times have I told
you people the faculty lounge is

not a bar?

All right, pack it up people.

Come on, you don't have to go teach
a class but you can't stay here.

Look, truce.


Promise no more grifting and
promise, if this is worth a million,

we'll split it.

You're an idiot.

Or maybe I'm a genius.

No, I can answer that.

You're definitely an idiot.

Can an idiot walk backwards
like this and not hit anything?

Maybe. Or, maybe not.


What are you doing here?

This guy is a grifter.

Professor of grifting.

He charges $400, you
get two brief cases and

your ex boyfriend becomes an obsessive.

I didn't know you and Winger were lovers.

If he wanted my respect, he
should have opened with that.

Are you trying to be disarming?

Are you grifting me out of my arms?

I did nothing to that man.

He called himself a grifter.

I just simply corrected him.

Yeah, because the truth is so
important to the both of you.

So what's it gonna cost
to make you go away?


He took the bait.



Wait, I thought we didn't
want him to take the bait?

No, no, we're saying the same thing.

He didn't take the bait,
we didn't want taken.

The African Telegram?

Yeah, which was offered as fake bait
and taken as such, ie, not taken.

Because that made him feel in control.

And by avoiding all visible bait, he
placed himself on the invisible hook

of assuming we're planning to grift him.

Oh, I like it.



But we are.

So we knows the truth.

Isn't that like the one thing you're
not supposed to know when you're

being grifted?


He can know a plan all he wants.

But the plan he knows won't be our plan.



Because our plan is impossible to know?

Because, oh, my god, Jeff
is making this up as we go.

Shh, knock it off.

What do you want from me?

We wanted you to help us do a grift.

I'm working on it.


He definitely had in the plan in The Sting.

If anybody wants to watch it it's
important you know it knocks out half

a calendar day.

Look, do you guys remember
when we hugged and jumped up and

down in the cafeteria?



Well, having been together
virtually non-stop ever since,

at what point do you think
I slipped off with pen and

paper and planned an entire
grift, then withheld it from you?

I guess at any of the several dozen
points when a normal person would say,

by the way, I have no plan.

In The Sting, they do
withhold stuff from each other.

Or from the audience,
but I think for effect.

Also, be warned, 20% of
the movie is hand drawn.

Abed, why don't you marry The Sting?

Okay, just so you know, if I do
and we have half Sting children,

when they ask me how to grift, I'm
gonna tell them to watch their mother,

not listen to you!


Shut up, okay!

You guys, you're, you're
always picking on me, all right?

Oh. Oh.

And you've really been hammering me lately.

All I had was the idea that,

look, look, I, I need this.

I need to be better than this guy.

So let me think.



Did you bring your laptop?

Yes, right here.

What do you wanna do with it?

Watch The Sting.

It's over.


Who got shot?

What's going on?

Was Sting even in it?

That movie was terrible.

You slept the whole time.

Yeah, that's worse.

The dialogue seeped into my dreams.

My whole brain is long and quiet.

So how did they grift him?

Well, they basically
made a fake building and

hired 1,000 people to
cooperate in perfect secrecy.


Should we just do that?

We could watch another grifter movie.

There's more activity in Matchstick Men.

Oh, like what?

At one point they build a fake hospital.

So much construction!

Oh, God, it's so late.

You guys are gonna bail on me, aren't you?

I think we have to Jeff.

We've tried everything we can.

Maybe over the weekend I can make a
fake building, but all the briefcases,

and the swapping, and The Sting?

I'm not cut out for it.

I'm starting to think that real grifts
only really happen in the movies,

and even in the movies
they barely make sense.

Look, I'm old.

The Sting is terrible.

Grifting is stupid.

The writing's on the wall.

So that's it? There's
no shame in this, Jeff.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Well, this is a scene to behold.

Holed in the closet watching
The Sting like gypsies.

Roger, we surrender.

You were right.

I'm no grifter.

No, I was wrong.

If you remember, I called you a thug.

Thugs fight.

You're more, nope, I can't think of a
metaphor pathetic enough to suit you,

Jeff Winger, though I am reminded of
something Oscar Wilde once said when

he compared sheep to wolves.

Screw it.

You hit me with a woman's hand.

You Midwestern floozy.

I lived in New York.





Yeah, right, he's grifting us.

Grift blood.

Someone taste it.

I'm sure it's Karo Syrup and food dye.

I mean I would, but my diabetes.

19, 20, 21.

Are you counting the amount of
money or the number of stacks?

I have to start over.

I'll do it, move.

But I want to go on record as
being disgusted by this transaction.

Got it.


I, I'm sorry love, but would
you rather we took this to court?

No, no, no, no, no.

We appreciate you keeping this
between us and I do want to remind you

that we offer a lot of classes
and many of them are cash only.

Me, take a class here?

Talk about a rip-off.


Talk about a ribbing.

What the hell am I doing?

You know, so far, Frankie's
disgusted and, that's it.

Seems like a waste of a record.

So sorry guys.

This is all my fault.

Don't be. I'm the one who
got in a pissing match.

With a jerk.

You're a jerk.

You're a jerk.

You're a jerk.

You're all jerks.

And this whole school can suck a big one.

And you can put that in your record.

I'm sorry, guys, I'm bound by my station.

Speaking on that topic, Britta, this
is all your fault and you're expelled.

What, what? No, Dean.

Let, let, let, let, let me handle this.

No, you can't do that.

Britta's the heart of this group.

She started it as a,
as a, as a, as a, as a,

as a fake biology group so that
she could have sex with Troy.

No. That's exactly it.

Oh, okay.

Don't let me handle it.

No. You can't expel Britta,
she's been here six years.

Three more, and she'll
have her two-year degree.

Britta keeps me grounded in reality.

You can't expel her with four
week-isodes left in the seaso-mester.

See, it's starting.

It's okay, guys.

It's okay.

All right.


Whoop, I'll just put this in here.


Give it to me.


Don't help me, anyone.

Turn me around.

See you later.


The plan was to meet later.

So, what's it gonna
cost to make you go away?

You're know there's a way we
could end this very quickly and

make a bit of money.

I don't like it, but keep talking.

Yes. That was the plan.

And, your plan was
probably to never show up.

Clever girl.

Don't trust anyone.

Ooh, ooh.

Hang on Did you have to hit me, for real?

Have to?


Now that you're expelled, you
might consider a career in grifting.

You're quite good at it.

I don't know. How does one
go through life like that?

Well, follow me, and I'll show you.

Oh, shut up.

I only agreed to any of this to
get you away from Greendale and

out of Jeff's hair.

He's an idiot, but I hate watching
him spin out trying to beat you.

You sentimental fool.

Later at the motel.

The motel.


Some say I'm a lucky grifter.

Some say I'm the king.

They call me the lucky grifter.

They call me the King of England.

I am the king.


What the hell?

Oh, shut up.

The only reason I agreed to any
of this was to get you away from

Greendale and out of Jeff's hair.

What the?

You two, come back here!


Coming right through.

Identical briefcases.


Why more briefcases?

This is pointless!

I already know she's got my briefcase!

Briefcase parade!

Who the hell are you?

You get back here.

You get back here with my money.

Get back here!

Oh, Roger.

They stole my money.



Those briefcases contain my money.

They stole $50,000 from me.

50 grand, huh?

You guys know what he's talking about?

I don't think so.

These are our briefcases.

What is grifting class.

He sells these supplies.

150 bucks.




We are still rolling.

We got pretty good at it, too.

Check it out.


Ow, sorry. Sorry.


Okay. Roger, why were you
walking around with $50,000?

Are you mental?

Hey, whoa pal.

That usage may fly in
the UK, not in the States.

I have a mentally challenged cousin.



I wanna see pics.

Okay, you do. You know
very well that this school

paid me $50,000 in cash for these injuries.

Well, you seem to be in pretty good shape.

No, oh, my god!

Look at the two of you!

Yeah, he's the reason I became a cop.

You know, a lot of bullies out there.

There are a million witnesses to this.

Hey, everyone.

Hey guys, just hanging
out in the cafeteria?

Hi profess... oh, what
happened to your face?

This is ridiculous.

Aw. She's beautiful.

You could be twins.

So, the statement I'm hearing here
is you're a grifting professor.

Yeah. You're teaching these
people how to grift but

you're saying they grifted you.

No, you id.

I'm not saying that.

They didn't grift me.

What they do is not grifting.

They wouldn't even understand
what the word meant.

I think we need to take what
Roger's saying more seriously.


Because it sounds like he was either
the victim of crass, artless thuggery.


In which case, there really is
$50,000 floating around that he was

given for clearly fake injuries, and
that he therefore now owes the school.


Or Professor DeSalvo was targeted
by a group of people he vastly

underestimated, in which
case the money was given and

then taken back and nobody
owes anybody anything.

All he would have to do is admit.

I was grifted.

Grift, grift, grift, grift,
grift, grift, grift, grift.

Why are you even here?

Who called you?


I take macrame after work, they know that.

Sorry you got grifted, let me know
if you want to press charges and

if you could think of what those would be.

Professor DeSalvo, under the
circumstances I'm sure you agree it doesn't

makes sense for you to keep
teaching this subject here.

Yeah, I mean, we kinda know
everything there is to know.

You should probably
refund all their money and

we should all go get some hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

We were all in it the whole time?

You weren't.

Because I can't be trusted.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

Telegram for Mr Winger.

Hey, Ridley.

So, I returned the telegram
man outfit to the dean.

Thank you so much.

I know how crazy this week's been.

You really didn't have to do this.

Are you kidding?

I owe you.

Whatever you need.

Just say the word.

All right. I could use your help
moving a mattress this weekend.

Okay, cool.

Is that okay?

Let me know.

My name is Ryan Ridley.

Three years ago my life was
saved by a stranger at my gym.

I felt like I owed him my In life.

Apparently he agreed.

Now he has me do things,
and I keep hoping and

praying that one day I'll do
enough for him to call us even.

Until then, I'm just a guy from his gym.

Did you get any of that?