Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 2 - Lawnmower Maintenance & Postnatal Care - full transcript

Chomsky, come here.

Come here, Chomsky.

- Abed, I'm really sorry.
- I told you cats don't like me.

They consider me a competitor because
of my natural stealth and ambivalence.

Oh-oh, did she get high again and
forget she doesn't wear contacts?

Before Britta moved her
cats into our apartment,

she wanted to introduce them
to us on neutral ground.

One of them scratched Abed
and ran under the couch.

Oh, I'll get it.
Cats love me.

- What? Are you sure?
- Mm-hm.

[SOUND]



Hello there.

Well, she is.
Is it a he or a she?

- He.
- Well,

he's really got his teeth
in my flesh right now.

Okay, he's touching bone.

[BLANK_AUDIO]

I'm just waiting for
him to finish up.

Not a lot I can
do at this point.

This was a pretty big mistake.

Okay. This is done.

Oh.

See you tomorrow. I'm pretty
embarrassed about this.

Chomsky.

I didn't know Britta was
moving in with Annie and Abed.



- That's...
- Expository?

Yeah, Britta's fallen on hard times and our
apartment is the cheapest game in town.

Abed, it's a little embarrassing
when you put it that way.

Britta's a rich genius
with super powers

and she's gonna live on
our sofa for no reason.

Oh, no.

Dinosaurs. My
tax documents.

Facts about Native Americans.

[LAUGH]

Just kidding.

Guess what I just purchased for
the school from a local manufacturer,

Greendale's first virtual
reality operating system.

Did Greendale need
a virtual reality system?

Uh, like a hole in the head.

A hole in the head is something
that you don't need.

She said through a huge
hole in her head.

Didn't VR go out in the 90s?

The last people I saw using it
were in the Honeycomb Hideout.

We mock what we
don't understand.

- We also mock what's silly.
- Jeffrey.

Abed, you're more
machine than man.

You wanna give me a hand setting
up the equipment after lunch?

We're all going to help Britta
move into our place today.

- Jeffrey?
- Britta, something's come up.

- I'd love to.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,

at least you don't have to bust
out your usual excuse.

You don't know for sure
that I'm not a veteran,

and nobody can say for sure
that today isn't Veteran's Day.

Hi. I got bit by a cat.

Chang, we know.

Why are you guys and all these
books in the nurse's office?

[MUSIC]

Dean, where did you get this, and for
how much of the school's money?

Ah, relax, my little
bean countess.

- Don't worry about it.
- You pay me to worry about that.

Oh, and how much do I pay you?

That's you.

It was only $5000.

What?

Frankie, jack me up.

I would like to see
this company's website.

- Can I use your computer?
- Sure.

Have fun in the Stone Age while
I step into the third dean-mension.

Width?

Read the instructions,
analog man.

When entering virtual reality,

you should calibrate the system
by looking at your own hands,

then turning them over
and looking at the backs of them

- with a sense of wonder.
- Roger that.

[BEEPS]

Welcome to the VirtuGood 6500.

Oh.

Initiate calibration.

It's-It's incredible.

I can see all around.

I gotta take a closer look
at these structures, they're...

[LAUGH]

I'm walking!

I am walking.

[LAUGH]

My God.

[RUMBLING]

I know what this is.

[LAUGHS]

I set the time zone.

I set the time zone.

And my phone does
that automatically.

I'm gonna see if I can
make the font bigger.

The font is larger.

And Jesus wept,

for there were no more
worlds to conquer.

Thank you, guys, again, so much.

I know that I already
owe you you money

but I want you to know that I got a new
bartending job with better hours

and free corn nuts which I feel like have
a small but significant resale value.

I feel like everybody's talking about
that haircut I gave Vicki, so...

Oh, Britta.

- Can I...
- It's okay.

Do I do this too? Okay.

This is going to be good
for all of us, right?

It's like a fresh start.

Oh, did you guys
get a new couch?

We got it for you.
It has a pull-out.

You guys.

I wanted a Murphy
bed for shenanigans

but the cost to shenanigan
ratio was too high.

How did you guys afford this?

Ah, don't worry.

- We got a good deal.
- For pick up, Perry.

Why's my name on here?

Because we got it for you.

And we told the sales guy that.

So.

So he put your friend's name
on the delivery slip?

That seems weird, right?

[BLANK_AUDIO]

- Roommate movie night!
- Roommate movie night, yay!

- Portuguese Gremlins.
- Portuguese Gremlins, ooh.

It's Portugal's answer to Gremlins
if Gremlins' question was

how can you totally rip us off
without spending any money

and having watched
us maybe twice?

[SOUND]

That's what the Portuguese
Gremlins say, right?

It's close enough.

[SOUND]

[GRUNTS]

I did it.

It's 2:39.

That was the time when you
started setting the time.

- It's 20 minutes later now.
- The power.

The facility.

- Jesus wept.
- Stop saying Jesus wept.

Dean,

here's something fun
you might want to try.

Let's see if we can find
the serial number to this system.

- Oh, that could be fun.
- So go to Settings.

Is Settings the volcano
or the cobbler's workshop?

It's a monastery.

[SOUND]

[LAUGH]

I feel the power.

Hut.

Hut. [SOUND]

Hut.

Welcome to Settings.

[GASPS]

Oh.

Your majesty,
the filing cabinets.

You're looking for one
called purchase info.

Hit, yeah, ah-ha.

These cabinets would never be
this easy to climb in real life.

This is the future of scrolling.
My world is officially boundless.

Ha!

I'm here.

Inside that drawer should be
a file called serial number.

[WHIRRING]

I've got it!

All right. Now you just have
to print that file out.

You can do that by dragging it
to the accessories and peripherals castle,

- and planting it in the printer garden.
- [LAUGH]

What's so funny?

I mean, besides everything?

I have no intention of
returning this system.

On the contrary,
I intend to keep it.

Dear God.

[YELLS]

Delete!

One file selected.

Oh. Hold on.

[SOUND]

File sorted.

What? Oh, come on.

Yeah. Come here
you little.

[HUSHING]

[WHISPERING]

[HUSHING]

File deleted.

Jesus wept!

He deleted the serial number,
Jeff, help me out here.

I don't get paid
enough for this.

How much do you think
you're going to get paid

if I have to find five
grand in the budget?

You're not the new Annie.

You're the new Abed.

I don't know what
that means yet.

So are the gremlins supposed to be
the good guys in this version?

The blue ones are.

The green ones are bad and the red
ones are kind of like isolationists.

- It's a metaphor for World War II.
- Ooh.

Um, I will be right back,
I left something in my car.

- Oh.
- [SCREAMING ON TV]

Hi, yes, I picked up a sofa
from your store, recently.

The last name is Perry.

Mm-hm.

What?

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

- Are you strong or angry?
- My parents?

My parents bought that couch?

Explain yourselves!

Well, are we, okay.

They kind of reached
out to us on Facebook.

What? You know I don't
talk to them.

Well, yeah. That's why
they talk to us.

They knew you wouldn't let them
help you, at least not directly.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

You needed our help, but we
needed their help to help you.

That's why we were able to get you
such a good deal on the rent.

- They're supplementing
my rent too? - Mm-hm.

You make them sound like monsters,
but they're actually really nice.

[IMITATES VOMIT SOUND]

Well, they are!

My parents are horrible people.

- You're being dramatic.
- Oh yeah.

That's what people say
when they take your soul,

and they rip it out of your chest
and then shove it in your mouth.

[DOOR OPENS]

I got bit by a cat.

[BOTH SCREAM]

I will create more worlds.

And those worlds
will have worlds.

They're file folders,
stop calling them worlds.

I found an address.

Elroy Patashnik, founder of
Virtu Good technologies.

All right. I'll go see if I can
get the school's money back.

You keep White Morpheus
inside the Matrix.

- Jeff.
- Britta. You look distraught.

You have ten seconds to tell me
it's not about stupid politics.

I just found out that Annie and Abed have
been cheating on me with my parents.

They've been sabotaging
my life from the shadows

by paying off my debts
and buying me things.

- Thank God.
- What are you?

- Thank God?
- The charade can finally end.

Now you know everything
you thought you owed us,

you can actually just
owe to Deb and George.

Deb and George?

You know my parents too?

Since when?

I don't know, since
thousands of dollars ago?

I'm bad with dates. I remember the New
Year's glasses having zeros for eyes.

And when did Stella
get her groove back?

You've all been lying
to me for years.

- What kind of friends are you?
- Poor.

We're poor friends.

And you mooch off us because you're too
proud to use your own support system.

What kind of friend are you?

And having met them, what
were you rebelling against?

Was it generosity,
whimsical game nights,

or delicious lobster
bacon mashed potatoes?

You ate the potatoes?

- You-You don't even eat carbs.
- I eat love, Britta.

Hot, delicious love that you were
willing to wipe your ass with.

Oh, my God.

I have no friends.

Can we not be so
dramatic about this?

There are people in this
world with serious problems.

Chang, go see the nurse!

I'm trying.

- Yeah?
- Elroy Patashnik?

- Who's asking?
- Well, that's always a yes.

Nobody ever says, who's asking,
to the wrong name.

They just say,
that's not my name.

When my phone rings and I say hello,
and they say, is Pablo there?

I don't say, who's asking,
I say, wrong number.

You're a clever young man.

- I'm 40.
- Come in.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

So?

You sold a Virtu Good
6500 to Craig Pelton

at Greendale Community College,
and we need to return it.

I'll need the serial number.

He deleted the serial number
because he loves the system.

So what's the problem?

The problem is in
order to copy a file,

you have to throw
a fireball at it,

then absorb the fire, then drop
the flaming file into a crystal lake,

then take out both copies and throw
them into the side of a mountain.

Worlds within worlds.

That doesn't mean anything.

I can copy a file by holding
my finger down on a phone.

Well, so can a monkey.

Now, you're describing
a system for animals.

Terrestrial slobs bound
to the earth by their meaty feet.

I designed a system for gods.

Oh, come on.

You know what you've done.

You know how lame
virtual reality is.

You know the damage it
caused mid-90s cinema.

I mean, Michael Douglas walking
around like a jackass,

moving files with a magic glove?

Lawnmower Man?
Did you see Lawnmower Man?

You bet your sweet ass
I saw Lawnmower Man.

I consulted on it.

Took Brigitte Nielsen
to the premiere.

We were building
worlds within worlds.

And now you're living in homes
within campers within parking lots,

and using an iPad to clearly design what
looks like a ripoff of Angry Birds.

Get out.

Get out of my Winnebago!

You're not allowed to say
that like it's a punishment.

I know what it's like
to lie for a living, Elroy!

And you should know, it
feels better to stop.

And my feet aren't meaty!

[MUSIC]

- [LAUGH]
- Britta, honey.

An unexpected treat.

This is a check for all the dirty
money you have used to control

and monitor me
without my consent.

- But we're not gonna cash this.
- Well you can't.

I postdated it a year.

And in that year, I'm
gonna get a new job,

new friends, in a new city where you
and your spies can never find me.

Oh, please.
Don't do this.

What choice do you leave me?

Who acts this dishonestly
towards their own daughter?

What choice do you leave us?

I mean, every time we get
too close, you run off.

We sent you a birthday card
to your apartment in New York,

and then next week you're setting
fire to a Jamba Juice in San Jose.

How long is that
gonna stick with me?

Until arson is legal, sweetie,
but your father's point is,

we've arrived at the closest
relationship you can tolerate.

- Mm-hm.
- We've learned, after a decade,

how to love and admire
and finance you from afar,

through your friends,
and the social media.

The Tinder and the like.

- It's called Tumblr, dad.
- No, I mean Tinder.

It's a matchmaking app, and by
the way, if you were on Tinder...

- [LAUGH] - Your mom and I think
you'd be the prettiest.

Absolutely, the boys
would be swiping right.

Or girls!

- Yes!
- Whatever makes you happy.

Totally.

What has happened to you two?

Who are these doddering
open-minded geezers?

Where are the people who wouldn't let
me dress up like Prince for Halloween?

Or told me that the cat ran
away because I tried alcohol?

Or had me drug
tested when I was 11

because they said I was
laughing too much?

We are definitely sorry
about all of that stuff.

Quite frankly, we don't
remember that stuff.

Oh, it's true.

[LAUGH]

- Woodstock, oh!
- Oh, my god.

I remember Woodstock!

Woodstock was amazing but-but
you have to realize, Britta,

that your Woodstock, which
was us being bad parents,

that has more to do with you.

So that's what you
remember, see?

Mm-hm.

Where are they?

- Hm.
- I'm sorry.

Get out here!

Britta, let me explain.

We were worried about you, so

- we just came over.
- You can explain to each other in hell.

Friends don't visit
each other's parents.

I hope you have
a wonderful life.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh.

George, George, yes.

Britta, at least take some
money and fix your car!

Or at least get a cab, or there are apps
we can call where strangers pick you up.

I don't want your help.

Stop infantilizing me!

Hey, stop. Stop!

- Get out of here.
- Hey!

[NOISE]

Green Machine, nice.

Here, Greg, here,
take some cash.

Holy crap!

What's her problem?

She's growing up.

[MUSIC]

[YELLS]

[GASPS]

Oh my god.

I put a tilde on this n!

I can do anything.

[LAUGH]

Any luck?

Ugh,

I'm going home.

Oh, and to warn you, he joked
about wanting a pee jar earlier

and it's gradually
becoming less of a joke.

Hey, Dean.

I'm coming over and I'm
pulling you out of there.

- I'll bite you.
- I'll beat you up.

I'll like it and then I'll fire you
and then I'll get right back in it.

- I'll still get to beat you up.
- Hold it. Hold it.

Who is that?

I recognize that baritone voice

and the scent of Tic Tacs
with a tinge of Naugahyde.

It's Elroy Patashnik.

The architect.

Listen, I've come to tell you something
very important about this system.

It's lame.

What?

I wasted your time with it and 10
crucial years of America's time.

- I'm giving Mr. Winger your refund.
- I don't want a refund.

I wanna stay in here forever

and you can't stop me.

Die.

[SOUND]

How long has he been in there?

Four hours.

Oh,

I was thinking weeks.

Ha. Yep!

This guy runs your school?

[SOUND]

To use a phrase I coined
in the 90s, [SOUND]

I'm going in.

- You coined that?
- Oh yeah, lock and load.

That's mine too.

All right.

[SOUND]

- I'm awake.
- Aah!

- Oh my God!
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

What are you doing in my car?

I didn't have
anywhere else to go.

No where else but my car?

Do you know how big
the planet is?

What is going on, Britta?

My friends, they all think
my parents are adorable,

and they think that I'm
the bad guy for hating them,

but I have a right to hate them, cuz
I had to be there when they sucked.

Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon syndrome.
I get it.

I had that with my parents, too.

- You did?
- Yeah.

You know, one of the most unfair
lessons we're forced to learn

is that our parents
are human beings.

We wanna think of them
as gods or demons,

because then that
would make us heroes.

But give me a break.

We all suck.

What can I do to help
you tonight, Britta?

[MUSIC]

How many quarters were
in this cup holder?

The same amount.

Oh, yeah.

Calibrated. Welcome.

No, go away!

Preferences grow.

[LAUGH]

What are you doing?
No, no, no.

Let go of me.

Do you really want
the power of a god?

Yes, more than anything.

Should I order dinner, cuz a lot of
good delivery places are closing?

I know how you feel.

The sadder reality,
the less real we want it.

I just wanna be a good dean.

I can give you a device
that will accomplish that.

Oh!

You can use this
to manipulate worlds.

- Flick of a wrist.
- Ha!

My god, it's incredible!

Now!

[SCREAMS]

What's happening. No!
Ow. I wanna go back in.

I want to be back in there.

- I want to be...
- Here. Here. Here's your power.

Yeah.

Now, manipulate worlds.

Yeah.

He'll be back to his
old self in an hour.

Great, do you have
a way to fix that?

[LAUGH]

[MUSIC]

[LAUGH]

- Seriously, though, thank you.
- Mm hm.

[DOOR OPENS]

Britta, we were so worried.

- What happened to the kid's
Green Machine? - What?

- I, I don't know. I ditched it.
- Where and how long ago?

Okay, assume that's not
what's important here.

- Britta, we...
- It's okay, Dad.

I have something
that I wanna say.

I ran away from home at 17
to become an adult,

but maybe all that did was leave
a part of me stuck at 17,

the part that tends to run away when
I am confronted with the truth.

- The truth is good, Britta.
- Mom, shut up!

Frankie taught me
something important.

It doesn't matter how mature we
are or what resentments we carry.

All that matters is that
we're all going to die.

- You have a lovely home.
- Thank you.

So, we're really getting
our daughter back?

Yeah, but it's not gonna
be that big of a deal.

I mean, you guys
missed the good years.

Now, it's just gonna be
margaritas, Pottery Barn,

fighting our family's tendency toward
obesity as we slide into oblivion.

First you guys, and then
me quickly thereafter.

Well, I'll drink to that.

Oh, Abed.

Benjamin.

I got bit by a cat, Deb.

No!

I'll get the antibiotics.

Thank you for the refund, Elroy.

No, thank you

for one last taste of what it was
like when my work was valuable.

Oh, it's still valuable.

Here, $500 for the taste
I got of being powerful.

[BLANK_AUDIO]

- Dean, the school can't afford 500...
- Wait for it.

I have no idea what to do
with the rest of my life now.

We offer a wide
variety of classes.

And that, my friend, is
the Greendale effect.

I'll never get out
of here, will I?

I haven't met many that do.

[LAUGH]

Let's walk arm in arm.
[MUSIC]

There are times when change
needs to be different,

then there's changes
that are more the same.

But the same changes don't
tend to be different

than the changes
that came before.

If you change everything
that's different,

sometimes you find out
everything's still the same.

As for me, I'm just changing

everything that's different.

Change.

[MUSIC]

[SOUND]

[FOREIGN]

[MUSIC]

[SCREAMS]

Aah!