Community (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 1 - Ladders - full transcript

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Welcome back to Greendale,

now ranking fifth on Colorado's
alphabetical listing of community colleges.

Rest in peace, Bad Boy Slim's DJ School.

This school owes its continued
existence to the following heroes.

Jeff Winger, a teacher so

dedicated to clean energy, he's already
parking like his car is electric.

Britta Perry, currently raising
awareness of homelessness,

not that she has a choice.

Abed Nadir, who actually wrote
this announcement for the sake of,

as he put it, catching everyone up.



And Annie Edison who led the effort to save

Greendale from 534 critical emergencies.

534?

Frisbee!

Hey Leonard, what, are you
gonna Bogart the disc all day?

Like tears in rain.

What?

I can't believe the roof collapsed.

We almost killed Fat Neil.

That was Garrett.

See, we're monsters.

Okay, if they blame us for
this, let me take the heat.

I'd never see the inside of a cell.

I have been reliving this day over
and over for a thousand years.



Guys, this is not on us.

That roof was gonna collapse, 80%
of the rubble was styrofoam.

Speaking of guilt, where's Shirley?

You didn't tell him?

I was waiting until we were all together.

Abed's not comfortable with C-H-A-N-G-E.

Hey, screw you.

I can spell.

Screw you.

Is Shirley gone?

Did she spin off?

Nobody spins off in real life, Abed.

Shirley went to look after her dad
in Atlanta and ended up taking

a job as a personal chef to a brilliant,
but troubled Southern detective.

I told her I'd manage her
sandwich shop while she's gone.

Oh, that's very generous of you.

I have a friend in town, every time
you're gonna need help with that.

She'll be back.

. Like Troy?

Are any of you white people noticing
what's happening to this group?

Do Abed and I need to be concerned?

You have my word, as leader of the white
people there's no cause for alarm.

Say hello to new Shirley.

Just kidding.

This is Francesca Dart.

I have brought her on as an
administrative consultant.

I thought it would be
fun, and mandatory for

you to add her to your little committee.

Why, because one roof collapsed?

No, God, God no.

I'm your friend bringing you a new friend,

one with training in not collapsing roofs.

Is she, excuse me, ma'am.

Is she above us or below us?

She is, woop!

I'm getting a call,
here, and I'll have to take it.

Frankie, why don't you explain
what your role will be,

while I leave to take this call.

My phone is vibrating, but it is In
your office, which you didn't realize,

when you started the fake phone call move.

My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey.

Mm.

I'm walking away, so I can
get it out and answer it.

Let me know how it goes.

Okay, I'll just have a seat and-.

No!

No! No, no, no! Hey!

Our friend use to sit there.

She spun off.

I'm sorry, what about here?

Yeah, I guess that's okay.

Okay, so,

I took an informal survey to get a
sense of how Greendale is perceived.

And three themes emerged, weird.

Passionate and gross.

Now you want to hang onto that grouping.

In marketing, it's what
we call the Good Belushi.

If I had a magic wand,

I would use it to make sure
Greendale never had to grow up.

I would also probably use it to cut the
Magic Wand class that I noticed is

actually offered here, as well as VCR
Repair, a class called Ladders, and

When is it Okay to Shake a Baby?

In terms of hierarchy, I'm
a big believer in it.

Someone needs to say, I'm in
charge, and that person is me.

That's my decision.

That doesn't mean that we don't work
together, but all communication and

decisions will go through me.

I'll send out an email later
to set up our next meeting.

Awesome. Okay. Great seeing you, Professor.

Yeah. Coolios.

Who in the crazy bitch?

Did that just happen?

Did you see her binder?

Pretty nondescript.

Seems like she may be trouble.

To be fair,

she's an additional white person, which
has clearly become important here.

No, thank you.

I, I'm just glad I was able to answer.

My, my phone got lodged in my pocket.

I know!

I guess that is a thing.

So, you were saying about the thing,
the reason you were calling was,

what were you talking to me about?

Looks good, Tony.

I'm sorry, I just assume your name is Tony.

Here you go.

I gave you some extra heat.

Britta, what is the weekly
cost of this restaurant?

Oh, that's easy.

My dignity.

Seems like this sandwich counter
is consuming your happiness and

converting it into burnt bread and debt.

So?

Frankie, hi.

Someone removed all the liquor
from the faculty lounge.

I'm sorry, I cannot legally protect or

insure a campus with free flowing booze.

Well, I can't teach with
free flowing sobriety.

Is that true?

Do you really think you're an addict?

No.

Dean!

Hello?

Oh, oh, hey!

Yes, I can talk.

Damn it.

I am available anytime for you.

Frankie, Frankie.

Hi. I had an idea about how
to deelectrify the pool.

Oh, that's already been dealt with.

Okay, well, then, there's-.

Oh, let's see.

Done, done, deloused.

Appraised, defused, rebuilt.

De-peanut buttered,
debunked, spayed, neutered.

Underway, resanctified,
plunged, deported and exhumed.

Thank you.

Oh, this is pretty.

Huh.

I'm gonna name one of my
sandwiches after her.

My sandwiches suck.

She is improving Greendale.

Yeah, but

how much can you improve Greendale
before it stops being Greendale?

She didn't suffer for this place.

She doesn't understand it.

She's gonna end up messing
with something that-.

Abed.

Temporal mutation in English, Doc.

Simply put Mr. President,

in 12 hours these dinosaurs will become-.

Mind if I sit here?

Time-asaurs.

Go ahead, I can reshoot.

How's everything going?

I have concerns.

I'd like to hear them.

I'm worried you're not distinct enough for

Manny both in terms of
physicality and purpose.

Okay.

I can't determine if you
have any specific flaw,

quirk, or point of view that makes you
a creative addition to the group.

I don't know what that means,
but I'm writing it down.

My umbrella concern is that you,

as a character, represent the end
of what I used to call our show,

which was once an unlikely
family of misfit students, and

is now a pretty loose knit group
of students and teachers.

None of whom are taking a class
together in a school which,

as of your arrival, is becoming
increasingly grounded,

asking questions like, how
do any of us get our money?

When will we get our degrees, and what
happened to that girl I was dating?

As opposed to questions I consider
more important like, what is real?

What is sanity?

Is there a god?

Where's that Pierce hologram?

Jeff said last year he
saw a Pierce hologram.

None of the rest of us have ever seen it.

So, if there's a Pierce ghost on campus,

I'd like to get a head start on busting it.

All right. This is the first I've
heard that I'm a character on a show.

I'm excited to be one, but I
agree, I'll be a boring one.

Quirks are not my strong suit, results are.

I love quirky people.

I come from a big family of
people who are literally insane.

I moved down here to take
care of one of them.

But I myself am exceptionally boring,
and I am quite proud to be that way,

because it allows me to help the
less boring people turn quirks into

results.

That's the most interesting take
on not being interesting that

I've ever heard.

As far as what I represent about
your show, I wouldn't give me or

anyone else that kind of power.

Good shows change, I assume.

Personally, I don't own a TV.

You're the first person to say that that I

didn't immediately delete from my brain.

Thank you.

Emergency meeting at Shirley's
Sandwiches right now.

Everyone freaking out.

New lady is evil.

Crazy frown.

I should go.

Abed, I could really use someone's help
in learning the ropes around here.

I'll ask around.

Friends, dumb hats.

Totally talking down to you.

She hates you.

I got it from Jared.

What are you guys doing back here?

Are you the big chilling?

Yeah, only there's not a hippie that
died to make us come together and

complain.

It's our school.

Frankie's taking over the campus.

She cancelled ladder's,
she's banning substances,

she wants to shut down
Shirley's sandwiches.

She called Annie a bitch.

She implied I was a bitch.

She implied Annie was a stuck up bitch who

thinks she's better than everyone.

Okay, now you're just-.

She was nice to me.

In fact we kinda got along.

Abed, are you sure she wasn't
actually being sweetly condescending?

Yup, I learned to pick up on that one.

I make a movement that we form
a separate, secret, committee.

I second Britta's motion, not movement.

I third Annie's number two-ing
of the movement Brita made.

Gross.

Our mission to preserve the real Greendale.

Oppose Frankie or drink.

Whatever's easiest.

Are you guys sure she's bad?

Are you sure you're not doing what I
usually do, overreacting to change?

Nobody's ever doing what
you usually do Abed.

You're nuts.

Huh.

In a good way.

I'm just saying.

Leave reality to us.

We always support you.

Don't make it more dramatic than it is.

It's a blood oath to defy evil.

You're either in or you're out.

Can I hang around if I don't do the oath.

Oh, gee. You mean just be friends?

Sure. Great, Abed.

Okay.

Can I have some pretzels?

No.

Those are secret committee pretzels.

Okay.

Well.

Yes, that was a test.

You guys are bad friends.

Don't think of it as bad baking.

Think of it as a crushing
blow to a gender stereotype.

Britta, it might help if every burnt
sandwich didn't come with a self-aware

burnt sandwich bit.

Is that how you're gonna help
increase sales, creative notes?

I had that sign spinner idea.

We're a restaurant inside a cafeteria
Annie, our weak point wasn't traffic.

Flo, Alice no fighting, can't
afford to lose this place.

If I have to start drinking in the
men's room, the score in my head

has to change from Trent Reznor to
Johnny Cash doing Trent Reznor.

I'm a bartender Annie,

I know a little bit more about
the human side of service.

I can't eat this.

Can I have my money back?

You're human garbage.

Hi, Mr. Winger.

Nice lecture yesterday.

Don't patronize me Dick.

It might not seem like this, but

you're killing small, black owned business.

I'll call it even for a drink with Mr.
Winger.

That's absurd.

You will?

Let's see some ID.

You snitch, you die.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Well I guess we'll wait for
the others before we start.

I don't think they're coming.

What? The committee had a meeting
last night and decided you are evil.

Ooh. Wait, you guys had
a meeting last night?

So, we broke up as friends.

Because I don't think you're evil.

I think you scare people,

because you live in the real
world instead of up your butt.

I'm sorry that happened, Abed.

It's like I said yesterday at lunch.

Drama and conflict are exciting and easy.

Making a difference can be pretty boring.

You guys had lunch?

I'd like to try to live in that world.

I'm a little tired from all the drama,
the heroes, the villains, monsters.

Pokemons. You're just a person
that sees things the way they are.

Leprechauns.

Scary.

I don't know if I can be like that but

I don't think it makes
sense to be against it.

You guys ever hear of The Slender Man?

I'd like to try to help you.

And if possible, learn from you.

You guys on Reddit, 4Chan?

That would be great, Abed.

Cuz it's awesome.

I think we'd all benefit if we were
more like you, so what do you say?

Let's order some food.

Let's save Greendale.

Let's save Greendale.

Tacos!

We are something else.

Abed.

Abed.

Yeah?

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Someone told me you were
sweeping, straightening clocks.

Why are you cleaning that sign?

I gave you a list.

Yeah, the list felt
pretty similar visually.

I can't picture a montage cutting from
me verifying Diane's invoice to me

emailing confirmation to Diane.

Right.

But a montage is what, Abed?

It's a movie apologizing for reality.

And we are where?

Reality. And what do people do here?

They email Diane?

Abed, if you change your clothes
one more time today, you're fired.

Sorry.

Hey, Abed.

Hey, Todd.

Are Andy and Bruno around?

No.

Abed, maybe you should order the special.

I'll have the special.

The specials are kept in the back.

You should, you should go in the back.

I'd like the special.

Vaporizers, Skittles?

Abed.

Hey, Annie.

This place is so conceptual.

It's practical, too.

We made enough money to save Shirley's.

And in an ironic way, because if
Shirley saw this, her soul would die.

Hey, Abed, check this out.

Oh, Britta's still the worst?

Yeah.

The bar gets dirty.

You're gonna need someone to clean
it, probably after hours, and

those floor polishers can get pretty loud.

I'd hate for someone to hear it.

You blackmailing me?

Just talking shop.

What's the rumpus, Abed?

Miller's Crossing.

Mm hm.

This is really great.

You guys should be proud of yourselves.

We missed you.

Have a drink.

Put on an old timey jacket.

That's okay, I don't
really do this anymore.

All right, come on.

I said I don't do this, see.

You dirty rat.

Guys are all dirty rats.

What's your romper room?

All right, maybe just one drink.

Then maybe cut to a montage of drinks.

Let's never stop being friends again ever.

Mm hm.

Cheers!

We shouldn't have made you
choose between Frankie and us.

Oh, she's good for business.

We're sorry that we made
you choose between-.

You're just repeating what I said.

No, you're repeating what I said.

Oh, I'm a time traveler?

This is the show.

Abed,

I just got word from Diane that one
of your emails was a little shaky.

Are you okay?

I'm good.

Late night last night.

Yeah?

Yeah, I could use a little protein.

I'm gonna go get an early lunch.

You guys know about tardigrades?

They're these microscopic creatures
that look like robot bears.

They can survive in space.

Mm. Mm hm.

Get into space, you dirty tardigrades, see?

And they're everywhere.

There's a lot of little things in
real life that are just as cool

as fake stuff.

I learned that working for Frankie.

You guys would like her, you know.

Raid!

Is this what you guys want?

You wanna play cops and
robbers with costumes?

Why is that guy a carrot?

Because they ran out.

Who tattled?

In what world, Brita, do you see this
as covert enough to require tattling?

You built a bar in a school.

There was lumber involved.

I have been letting you hole up down here,

because it kept you
contained and satisfied,

because you are all compulsively
defiant, but it wasn't enough.

You had to drag Abed back in,
and Abed deserves better.

Oh.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, it finally comes out.

Abed deserves better.

That's been out.

Shut up, Leonard.

I once mistook six people
for you at a pharmacy.

It's not their fault, Frankie.

I chose this.

These are my friends.

I hate emailing Diane.

She can't commit to a font.

It's pathological, and so am I.

This is where I belong.

I know you think that, Abed,
but you don't know any better.

Whoops.

But shut up, Leonard.

You are.

You are old.

And you deserve less, because of your age.

I don't, I don't actually believe that.

I'm just trying to, I'm trying
to, and everybody here is a,

is a fart a livid fart from
the butt of a lesser god.

I'm, I'm better than this.

Cut to everyone on campus getting
as drunk as they want montage.

Frankie hasn't come back to work today.

That's terrible.

The insurance company dropped us.

The school has no insurance.

What was Frankie's salary?

A lot.

What were the insurance premiums?

A lot.

Add those two numbers together,
that's your new school dance budget.

Oh, nice.

Welcome to ladder!

Yeah!

Ladder!

Who wants to see the ladders
professor go higher?

Ladder!

Aah!.

You did it, Jeff Winger!

This is your school now.

Annie.

It was worth it.

Aah!

All right, that should be the extent
of the professor's medical bills.

What, what about that
lawsuits from the students?

I think we should fight those.

Actually, I suggest you
settle out of court.

This is my fault.

Obviously not.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

Guys, it's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

All right, all right, all right.

So, whose fault wasn't it?

And who knows anything about
handling anything like this?

In terms of hierarchy, I'm
a big believer in it.

Someone needs to say, I'm in
charge, and that person is me.

That's my decision.

Wait, what?

I'm sorry?

Who talks like that?

Why would anyone hire someone so pompous?

Miss Dart, word of advice, change your
personality, or start looking for

companies run by insane people.

Don't hire this woman.

Fifth time's the charm.

He's barged the four offices
screaming, don't hire this woman.

What the hell is going on?

What are you doing here?

How did you even find me?

I emailed Diane.

She knows way too much about
your schedule, by the way.

Whatever he's offering you,
Greendale, well, we can't double it.

We probably can't even match it.

Whatever he's offering you, Greendale
will give you less, and an apology.

Do you know-. Shh.

It's not enough, but

maybe if you added more apologies.

Like a montage of them?

We're sorry.

I told you I wouldn't be
needing dinner tonight.

I'm guessing you wouldn't.

Not if you're looking for this.

How'd you know?

Nobody makes more crumbs than a cook.

Well, the same goes for
clues and detectives.

You're too busy solving murders
to get away with your own.

Well, then, what about the case
of my wife and my legs, Shirley?

Can you solve that one, huh?

Can you?

Cuz if you can't, then I ain't
got nothing to live for.

Begging your pardon, Mr. Butcher.

I think the people on this
bayou would disagree.

You rescued a runaway girl today.

Rescued, balls.

I couldn't even rescue
a, a bulb from a socket.

And you did all the work today, didn't you?

I'm just a detective from the
swamps of Atlanta, can't even walk.

Oh.

Aah!

Then let me be your legs.

Let me do for you what I did today
every week until you find your wife.

Or your legs.

You are a stubborn son of
a bitch, Shirley Bennett.

Now come on.

I have dinner to make.

You got cases to solve.

Feeling someone's gonna
murder some tater tots tonight.

That's no mystery at all.

Next week, on The Butcher and

The Baker, when a new detective
on the Bayou disappears, and

Butcher is the prime suspect, it's up
to Shirley to cook up some answers.

Did you get any of that?