Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 9 - VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing - full transcript

It's settled.

The urinals in the women's restroom
will be turned into planters.

Onto chores.

We need some able bodies to clear out a
space in the east hall's storage room.

- I'll do it.
- Really?

Yeah, Annie always goes from the
easy chores to the hardest.

That's true, isn't it?

- I'll do it too.
- Yeah, me too.

Okay, that concludes this meeting.

- Oh!
- Aw, man!

Nobody picks up on my patterns!
What am I gonna say next?



Graham cracker!
You didn't know.

Hey, it's the "aww couple."

Aww.

Look what Rachel got
me: Pile of Bullets.

An interactive Old West-themed
VCR game from the '90s.

I found it at goodwill.

It was between a Thighmaster and
a Dick Tracy Burger King glass.

- Happy anniversary.
- Anniversary?

I guess I should learn
your name, young lady.

Oh, Rachel.

Rachel. Nice to
meet you, Rachel.

- You can go.
- Okay.

- Aww!
- Anniversary?

Yeah, Rachel and I have been
dating for one of your months,



but our relationship is
12 times more efficient,

so it's really been a year. Our
sleep cycles are in synch,

we can communicate
with our eyebrows,

and she knows my Netflix password...
Jeff's Netflix password.

Damn it. I'm changing that.

- I changed it.
- To what?

Nice try. Annie, can Rachel come
to our place to play this tonight?

I can't afford to
take her anywhere.

Well, my brother's in town
for the week,

and I'm broke too, so I was
gonna make him dinner tonight.

Cool. Double date?

Dinner and 1993
interactive VCR game?

- What are you making?
- Salmon.

- Buttered noodles.
- Buttered noodles are my favorite.

- Hmm.
- Ah!

Quick announcement for two
of Greendale's finest.

Payday is postponed until
next week. So this...

...is my freestyle
rap apology.

♪ Well, I'm a peanut bar ♪

♪ And I'm here to say ♪

♪ Your checks will arrive
on another day ♪

♪ Another day, another dime,
another rhyme, another dollar ♪

♪ Another stuffed shirt
with another white collar ♪

♪ Criminals, Wall Street,
taking the pie ♪

♪ And all the black man
gets is a plate of white lies ♪

♪ Prisons! Recruitin' 'em!
Police be shootin' them ♪

♪ Rap artists lootin' them,
labels all dilutin' them ♪

♪ Barack Obama is
scared of me ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't
swallow knowledge ♪

♪ And I spit it for free ♪

♪ Let me clear my throat,
ah-ha, ah-ha... ♪

I don't know what
that was, I don't.

I don't know
what that was.

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope ♪

♪ To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
it can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the
reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one, they
all just fade away ♪

So nice to have the Edison
kids under one roof again.

Remember when we used
to cut carrots for mom?

Yes.

- I need a soda.
- Oh, okay.

One, two, three.

Door's busted.

Landlord's in jail
and money's tight.

Yeah.

Oh, my God!
Anthony! Thank you!

Yeah.

- Hey, Abed, a quick word.
- Hmm.

What would you think about my
brother moving in with us?

- Do I just keep cutting carrots?
- Yes, Anthony!

- He has money. He's handy.
- You're putting me on the spot.

I guess my knee-jerk
concern would be

that he's a Viking and
might only use our home

as a temporary base before moving
inland where lumber is more plentiful.

He's a good guy. We can't afford to
keep splitting the rent two ways.

- You have a better idea?
- How about Rachel?

- Is that a joke?
- Is it cool if I poop?

No, Anthony! Just
cut the carrots!

You've been dating
Rachel for a month.

I don't think you heard his question.
The answer is yes!

Rachel and I have been dating
for the equivalent of a year.

Oh, really? 'Cause I feel like I've
been hearing about that for two years.

You can't just microwave a
relationship like it's a bean burrito.

- Annie. - I ain't living with
your month-long girlfriend, brah.

Well, I ain't living
with your wack-ass,

don't-know-whether-to-keep-cutting-carrots-
or-ask-if-he-can-take-a-poop-brother.

Can we discuss this later? Rachel's on her
way, and I'd like to practice my smile.

I guess it was just air.

Why are we organizing
a storage room?

- How is this not a janitor's job?
- Can I ask you something?

Why the hell do you have
all those muscles

if you're gonna bitch
about moving boxes?

Is the air
working in here?

I'm sweating like a
Catholic on Judgment Day.

- Just a little protestant humor.
I've got more. - Oh, can't wait.

Nothin'.

Wait, there's something in
there blocking the vent.

You gonna open it? You do realize nothing
good has ever been found in a vent, right?

It's a vent.

Whoa.

Huh.

Oh!

Intro to Chemistry. Third edition.

Mint.

$200 retail.
160 on the street.

Why are there books
in an air duct?

Why is there hot sauce
in the bathroom?

- It's Greendale.
- They must be stolen.

- We have to tell the Dean.
- Hold on.

Let's just calm down and have a slow,
pleasant chat about possibilities.

- What kind?
- All kinds. Anything is possible.

We might one day have hover cars.
Kale might be poisonous.

And we might not have to get
the Dean involved here.

- Jeffrey, these are stolen!
- From who?

By who? How long ago?

It's "from whom," "by whom."
But he nailed the third question.

Look, we are the committee that
deals with Greendale's problems.

Now did you see anything on our
list about a pile of missing books

- that are worth more than the school
they're hidden in? - One thing's for sure.

If we hand these over,
they'll really go missing.

And you think that money's gonna
be used to cut our paychecks

or to make another
rapping peanut costume?

- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- Fine. You wanna go to heaven?

- Walk away, more for us.
- I'm an accomplice now!

If I walk away, I'll only get
into heaven by turning you in.

But what about your restaurant?
What about your kids?

Ms. Bennett, when God talks to
you, what language does he use?

Because in my experience, when
he thinks you deserve something,

he drops it on you
like a ton of bricks.

Okay. All right.

But if we're gonna do this, we're
gonna do this clean and safe.

We're gonna move these to my
restaurant in bread carts,

and we're gonna sit on 'em
until we know they're cold.

Then we're gonna price them
through a third party,

and we're gonna unload
them in a single score.

None of that nickel-and-dime crap.
I don't wanna leave a trail.

- Yeah, great.
- Wonderful.

Okay, let's count
these babies up.

Yeah, great.

When we were kids, Anthony and
I would play Time Machine.

We would go, "Oh, no!
We're in Barbarian times!

Quick! Back to the Time Machine!"

And then we would run
back to the Time Machine.

It's true.

I bet that's why Abed is like a
brother to me. You guys are so alike.

I can't accept that based
on one time-machine story.

Rachel, did you tell Annie
about your Waterpik?

I suppose now is as
good a time as any.

- I own a Waterpik.
- Annie has one too.

You guys both care for your
teeth the same amount.

If you shared a bathroom,
it'd go pretty smoothly.

Anthony said he could
fix our cabinets.

Rachel used to mop floors when she
worked at Kmart. She mops good.

Is this a real conversation or
are we being bugged by the feds?

Abed.

Sidebar.

What do you think
happens after you die?

- I don't know.
- You're lucky.

- Stop trying to sell me on Rachel.
- Stop pitching Anthony so hard.

You're like ice cream cake
out there... overkill.

We need a roommate.
We're broke.

- I vote for Rachel.
- I vote for Anthony.

- Flip a coin? - No. Coins
create parallel timelines.

- Rock, paper, scissors?
- That's a nine-sided coin.

What about Pile
of Bullets?

You wanna decide on a roommate with
a 1993 Old West-themed VCR game?

If Rachel or I win,
Rachel moves in.

If you or Anthony win,
I'll politely surrender

and count down the days
until he eats me.

All right, it's settled.

- Is this working?
- It's a handshake in progress.

Who wants to play
Pile of Bullets?

- Not me.
- You have to.

- Oh, it's okay, we don't have to.
- It's not okay. We do have to.

We all have to, and one
day we'll tell you why.

But for now, let's simply
retire to the TV area.

For the highest stakes 1993 interactive VCR
game of your entire young adult lives.

Okay, let's see
what you got.

Yeah. Okay.

I know somebody
that knows people.

I can get you a price per book,
find a buyer, and make a deal.

- For half.
- That's ridiculous.

I'm assuming more
than half the risk.

- Half is fair.
- Not really.

Because they're ours, all 100% of them.
Giving you half is not fair, it's silly.

Okay, good luck. You
wanna re-blindfold me?

I know we're in E-9
in the east wing.

I know that because
it smells like weed.

Not my weed.

Look, I'm willing
to give her half.

Hear that, Britta? You can
have half of Jeff's share.

That's not what I meant.

That's what you're offering
by giving her half of the total.

Either she can get half of all of our
money or she can get half of your share.

Either way, you walk
away with about 16%.

- That's not fair.
- Damn right.

Here's what is: 25%
for each of us.

Take it or leave it, Britta.

♪ Legalize it ♪

♪ Don't Chang... ♪

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Look, if something sketchy
is happening, I don't care.

So I'm just gonna back
out of the room now and...

He can't leave.

No! No!

I didn't see anything. I
did not see anything!

- Britta, find some rope.
- I've got rope.

"Each player starts
with six bullet tokens,

ten gold certificates, and a
color-coded posse token."

- There's two types of tokens?
- I'm sure we'll figure it out.

Howdy!

You look like a real
group of gunslingers.

Everyone in town's
mighty scared,

what with all the
gold and the outlaws.

But only one of us can
make it out alive.

Are we robbing the town?

By now, you should have
your bullets, your gold,

and two Wild West
tokens each.

Hang onto those tokens
no matter what.

- There's two kinds of tokens.
- Two each?

Now when you hear
the word "draw,"

or when you see a square with
a color or number matching

one of you or your opponent's cards,
the first one of you to say, "bang,"

wins the challenged player's token
and the amount of their bid in gold!

- What's going on?
- Shh!

- Ready?
- Yes?

- I'm not.
- Shh!

- Are we supposed to be bidding?
- Draw!

- I bid!
- Pow! Bang!

Rattler!

- Bang! 5! - Bang?
- Yee-haw!

- Bang-bang! 5!
- Bang?

Not bad!

Collect your tokens and let's
get on to the next round!

- What are you doing? Stop that.
- He said, "Collect your tokens."

- He can't see you.
- Didn't Abed shoot whoever's 5?

- Draw!
- Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Odd-numbered players,
give up two cards!

- Draw!
- We have numbers?

Bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang.

Okay, okay, I don't think
we're doing this right.

Are we sure this is a game
and not some art film?

- Now what do we do?
- We rewind it and start over.

- Okay, I'll allow it.
- No, it's okay.

We gave it our
best shot, no?

I'm sorry, Rachel,
is this your home?

Oh, God, no, I'm sorry.

- Well, this is what we're playing.
- But it doesn't make any sense.

Oh! It sounds like Anthony
wants to forfeit.

- He doesn't. Don't forfeit, Anthony.
- Rachel, we can do this.

Just focus, okay?

- Okay...
- Okay.

- Howdy!
- Howdy.

I love textbooks. That's
why I stole these.

- All right, knock it off.
- What?

You gotta make it sound believable
or you're not getting outta here.

- I'm trying.
- Try harder!

Go.

I love textbooks.

That's why I stole them.

Mm. Look at this one.

Stolen textbooks
are the best kind.

I stole all these books and put 'em in
this room so I could come kiss them.

That's all, thank you.

Please, I'm on parole!

Exactly.

So keep your mouth shut or we'll
send this file to everybody.

What do you mean
"everybody"?

Everybody!

- Look, I can't do this anymore.
- What?

I'm out. It's too
far, it's too...

evil.

Look, you guys can split the money.
I'm just gonna leave quietly.

Good-bye.

What the hell?

- Yeah?
- What the hell? Ow!

I can't let you leave until
we're done with this deal.

Shirley, this is not what God
wants you to be doing today!

We had our chance
to think about that.

He dropped this on us like a
ton of bricks. Right, Hickey?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Not to say that this
isn't getting insane.

Blackhat Bill sure ain't
the forgivin' type.

- You! Green player!
- Yes, partner?

- You can do better than that, can't you?
- Yes, pard-ner!

- Pick another player that you want to
draw a cactus card. - I choose Anthony!

Anthony, draw a card.

Oh! This is a good one. Keep this
for when you're in a quick draw.

- Rachel, your turn!
- What do I do?

You roll, you roll. Here.

- There. My turn.
- Stop! Snake bite! Lose a turn.

- Anti-venom.
- I'll take two.

- Draw!
- Bang!

- Okay, I bid 5 bullets.
- I raise 6.

- 11.
- Pass. Reverse!

- Hold it!
Yee-haw!

Did you remember
to say "yee-haw"?

Anyone that didn't
loses a turn.

Collect your coins!

Anthony, I'll trade you
two snakes for a bullet.

- Just say yes!
- I don't wanna die.

- Stop her, Rachel, stop her!
- Bang?

No! Bid 5!

- Tornado!
- Tornado!

- 9 tornado!
- Pass! 7!

- Reverse!
- 2 tornado!

- Pass!
- Double!

- Draw!
- Bang!

Oh, come on.

- You son of a bitch!
- Come on.

Come on, come on.

- Come on, come on.
- Come on!

If one of you rolled your bullet
number, you're the winner!

Fast-forward to the red
screen to get your gold.

Well, more food
for the buzzards.

Looks like modern times...

have come after all.

See ya in the city.

I wanna go home.

- Me too.
- No, we have to play again.

Abed, I think you're having one
of your special times, okay?

So I'm gonna give
you some space.

I don't want space. I
want you to move in here.

- What?
- But that's not resolved!

- Anthony might move in, so...
- What?

We want one of you
to live with us.

Yeah, we're settling it with
a game of Pile of Bullets.

That is not an explanation that should
make anybody want to live here.

Abed, I don't like
this side of you,

and I do not like that
side of VCR technology.

I am glad that it's
a dead medium.

That was very
uncomfortable.

I don't really know
how girlfriends work,

but I don't think you
have one anymore.

Okay, cool. See you there.

I'm meeting my guy in an hour. He
wants to see a sample, set a price,

and then we'll
do the exchange.

Oh, brother.

So Britta doesn't know
how much she's getting

from this guy that none of
us will ever see again.

But she knows one
thing for sure:

She'll be right back with it so
you can divvy it up, even Steven.

Oh, man, that is rich.

What's supposed to stop her
from robbing you guys blind?

What are you gonna
do, call the cops?

- I'll go with her.
- Oh, yeah. Good plan.

Yeah, leave Hickey here, and
the two of you do the deal.

Yeah, what the hell? When did I
volunteer for Guantanamo duty

while you two traipse off to the
Cuban equivalent of Las Vegas?

- Havana, right? - Guys, don't listen
to Jeff. He's just trying to divide us.

Says the woman who's willing to
take care of the cash by herself.

As if you're
Mr. Trustworthy.

Why do you have so
much access to rope?

Hey, you're the one who left the door
unlocked so Chang could get in here.

How do I know you didn't
do that on purpose?

Guys. Guys! Calm down.

I'm sure we can work this out. We just
need to stay cool and talk it through.

I'm sorry. That didn't work
out the way I planned.

I'm sorry. But you didn't
leave me any choice.

You were acting very poorly, I didn't
know if I could trust you anymore!

You dragged me into this.

I didn't want this.

Huh?

- You're packing?
- Yeah.

- You're leaving?
- Yeah.

- Because of last night?
- Yeah.

I just think there's some
unresolved issues here.

You're right.

I'm still really hurt by mom turning
her back on me when I went to rehab.

And I guess part of me was mad
at you for siding with her,

so I thought you moving in here
was some kind of moral victory.

What? No.

I mean unresolved issues involving the
black guy in all these photographs.

- Troy? - Hey, I don't
know his name, man.

I just know he's clearly
left some kind of vacuum.

And screw you. What did
I have to do with mom?

I was 13.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'm here to do my
third-act apology.

- Abed, I don't think...
- Wait.

Don't reject it until the
whole thing's been served up.

Dobry.

Open your locker please.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I wanna tell you something.
- Abed, this is adorable.

Just because it's adorable
doesn't mean it's not important.

Listen.

I've been accelerating
our relationship

because I've been worried I
wouldn't pass a lot of the tests.

I wanted you to move in
because I thought

if Annie was around, I'd have
less chance of screwing things up.

You're not screwing
things up, though.

That's good to know.

But the problem with me will always
be that I can never know for sure.

There's not a huge amount of people
in my life that haven't eventually

kicked me out, and I don't
always see it coming.

I don't want it to
happen with you.

Well, don't manipulate me and don't keep
secrets from me and we'll probably be okay.

Cool.

It stopped raining.

Yeah, it sure did.

Aww, you hired a
stunt person.

No, I did not.

Where'd you get these?

They were an inheritance
from my father.

- He was a collector.
- Mmhmm.

- How many?
- 120.

Well, for the whole bunch,
maybe 20.

- Thousand?
- Dollars.

- $20,000?
- 20 non-thousand dollars.

20 regular dollars. You might get
that from a recycling place.

These are misprints, honey.
Check out page 105.

Well, I can't because
there's no page numbers.

Ah! Well, that would be a problem.
You know, "Class, turn to page..."

There is no page...

Oh, well, if there's no page
number, you can't turn to it.

I've better things
to do with my life.

Although we haven't
been saying it,

Troy was an important
part of our apartment.

- He kept the peace.
- Yeah.

Goin' a little
crazy without him.

Maybe we need to live
with a therapist.

Or at least someone
crazier than us.

- Let's give Craigslist another try.
- I think Craigslist is the way to go.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Yeah.

Are you guys all wearing the
same clothes from yesterday?

- We've been through some stuff.
- But we learned something.

No, we didn't.

We learned that sometimes
there's no lesson.

- How is that learning?
- We played Pile of Bullets.

Can we just get this
meeting over with?

- So how'd the cleanup go?
- I learned how to smile.

Don't step, don't
step to me.

I like coffee and water,
don't step to me.

Uh, damn it! I lost it.
I lost it!

Okay. I will get back to you.
Thanks.

- Who was that, sweetie?
- Guess they want me for that

Wild West videotape
board game thing.

- Pile of Bullets?
- Yeah.

Devin, you pick up
that phone right now

and you call these people and you
tell 'em you want this part.

These VCR games is where
everything is headed.

Can't you see that?

You just became the
Luke Skywalker

of the new Star Wars.

- We've gotta move.
- We do?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

We have got to move
to Los Angeles.

- But I work here.
- Oh, please.

You call Apple
computers work?

What kind of company offers stock
options as a Christmas bonus?

That ship is sinkin'.

Sweetie, remember when we were
talkin' about trying cocaine?

Yeah...

I think we should start
looking for some right now.

Because we're gonna
be able to afford it.

Okay. I mean,
if you're sure.

I've never been more sure about
anything in my entire life.

- Pile of Bullets.
- Pile of Bullets.

Oh, yes!