Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 6 - Analysis of Cork-Based Networking - full transcript

Save Greendale Committee,
please welcome our newest member...

...math teacher Ben Chang.

Okay, let's get serious.

I've compiled a short list of the most
immediate Greendale emergencies.

Is deforestation on the list?

I, for one, am glad
that this is happening.

What this school needs
is a band of heroes.

Champions willing to rise up and
"Get all those potatoes out of the gym."

Like House Vogadash in the HBO
series, Bloodlines of Conquest.

- Oh, yeah.
- My show right there.

That is a good show.



They really get the incest right.

What the hell is
Bloodlines of Conquest?

Mediaeval fantasy
based on these books nobody read.

It's great. It's got betrayal, boobs,
espionage, dragons.

Oh, wait, dragons? Is that a spoiler?
I just started season one.

I don't start watching shows...

...until they're so popular,
watching is no longer a statement.

You're behind, so we have to live
in a world where there's no dragons?

Do we have to pretend
that Lord Stevarios is still alive?

Thanks, Abed. How about I buy
all the Bloodlines of Conquest books...

...read ahead, and spoil
the whole series for you?

- An insane person would do that.
- Knuckleheads, focus.

Item one, the Greendale student census
is out of date.

Britta, Abed,
why don't you partner up on that one?



Give you a chance to squash this beef.

Next, midterm dance is tonight. Who'd
like to be on the decorating committee?

- No.
- Fine. I'll do it.

- I will be on that committee.
- Me too.

Are you guys volunteering
because I'll do all the work?

- I wouldn't.
- Not at all.

I don't care enough to lie, so no.

I will reward that honesty
by giving you something easy.

A bulletin board fell down in
the cafeteria a couple months ago.

- Think you can get it hung back up?
- I'll give it a drive-by.

Great. We have now completed
our first task:

Have a productive meeting.

For every task that we complete...

...a star goes on the task wall.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brince Ironstone's daughter
is his mother!

Brince Ironstone's daughter
is his mother!

Hi, there.

- What can I do for you?
- Get me a drill, screws, bulletin board?

- No, I cannot.
- Okay, I tried. Bye.

If you wanna hang a bulletin board,
get a work order.

They're more powerful than you?

I'm taking census. Fill out this form,
but don't talk. I can't hear.

I can't hear either.

Are you deaf? But you read lips?

Gibberish. You're good.

Thank you.

I wish I knew sign language.

I detonated a mollusc.

Are you gonna have another
intense burst of compatibility...

- ...with a girl we never see again?
- I can't hear you.

Banana. Train.

The midterm dance
will need a visual theme...

...like "Let's Blow Off Steam,"
and it's trains.

- I have an idea.
- Your last idea was to murder.

Edison, the bulletin board's a no-go.

Really? So you did your best
and this task just eludes you?

I have a lifetime of experience with
red tape. I know when to walk away.

- Yeah, you do.
- Hey, Edison.

The system is lazy. I have integrity,
too much to deal with any of it.

- I'll do it myself.
- And I would love to watch you try.

Okay. I am on bulletin board duty.

You guys are in charge of the dance.

Oh, Professor Pushpin.

Jerry, Carlo, Crazy Schmidt. I'm Annie.

- You learned our names.
- I did.

Crazy Schmidt,
how are C.J.'s clarinet lessons going?

Well, she's having a little trouble...

...with her left finger lifts,
but she's getting there.

Annie, do you want
that bulletin board hung up?

Let me put in a work order for you.

There you go. That should happen
in three to six business months.

Any way we could
bump that up a little...

...so it's somewhere above
"Lower flag for Reagan's death"?

- Talk to a custodian. We're janitors.
- There's a difference?

We were just starting to like you.

- Had enough?
- I'm just getting started.

What was your stumbling block,
being nice?

Look, I admire your idealism,
but my guess is...

...that you will be crying uncle
before that board ever goes up.

Game on, baby.

Come on. Come on.

What? God.

Nice try.

This isn't over.

Sandals! Sandals!

Here we go. You wanted to get dirty.
This is where it starts.

Deputy Custodian Lapari...

...Annie Edison from Save Greendale
Committee. How's your daughter's...?

Sorry, this is a closed function.
We don't discuss business at mixers.

- But your daughter, soccer...
- Soccer. Yes. Thanks for coming.

Get a load of that wood burnt sign.

Did Mr. Whitney in Woodshop
make that for you guys?

Yes, that is a Whitney original.

You know, I noticed that Whitney's
bathroom has this amazing toilet.

Flushes like a DC-10 turbine.

Probably exceeds code.

But what's wrong with a little
friendship between departments?

Now, how can our committee
be your friend?

- Bob?
- Excuse me.

Chief Custodian Bob Waite,
Buzz Hickey, Annie Edison.

Hickey and Edison,
something in the job queue.

- Bulletin board.
- Yeah. We were hoping to get that up...

- Let's take a walk.
- Quite a spread.

- I'm impressed.
- It's election time.

If I don't break out sausages, my ass
goes in the grinder next January.

Keeping my people happy.
It's an uphill battle.

For example, look at this.

A lot of the websites we try and visit...

...get blocked by this weird filter thing.
Say I wanted to move a work order...

...for a bulletin board from
the bottom of the queue to the top.

Now, how can I do that...

...when I'm dealing with this?

They want their porn unblocked.

- Then they'll give you your board.
- That's what that was?

How did you know? Did you investigate
pornography when you were a cop?

Something like that.

- He wants a bribe.
- Welcome to the labyrinth.

Only there ain't no puppets
or bisexual rock stars down here.

So at the centre of it all,
if you're lucky...

...a piece of cork and a few pins.
So, what, is it worth it?

Is that all a bulletin board is?
A piece of cork? That's not what it is...

...to people that lose their pets,
people that need rides...

...people whose bad bands
need bad bass players.

To them, every pushpin
has the power to change the future.

So, yes, professor, it's worth it.

I know a lady in the IT Department.

I learned how to say this
in sign language.

You're a fast learner.

I learned how to say this
in sign language.

Don't forget I can read lips.

I learned how to say this
in sign language.

Okay, I'll put some food on the tables,
dim the lights, that's a midterm dance.

I guess it could use
a little something theme-wise.

I have an idea.

"Bear Down For Midterms."

- What?
- "Bear Down For Midterms."

You can't just repeat it.
You need to explain yourself.

It's midterm time.
People have to "bear down"...

...study hard, get to work.

It's "Bear Down For Midterms."

Is there a dot I'm not connecting?

It's a play on words.
"Bear down" is an expression.

I know the expression, Chang.

"Fly on the wall" is an expression,
but if I were to pitch:

"Fly On The Wall For Midterms,"
you might ask, "What do you mean?"

Chang?

Are you crying?

I understand I've been crazy
in the past...

...but it doesn't make it less frustrating
to be dismissed like this.

I don't know if you guys
see me as human anymore.

I don't know if it's like a joke to you.
Are all Asian men like a joke?

- A racial thing?
- No.

- No. No.
- I paid for my crimes.

Underneath all the craziness,
I am still a human, and I...

I do wanna make a difference.

And can you respect that? Please?

Chang, what can we do here?

"Bear Down For Midterms."

- Okay.
- Okay, well...

We'll put up some bear things?

We'll bear down. For midterms.

Okay.

You want me to lift web restrictions
solely for Custodial?

They need to have full access
so they can research custodian stuff.

If the filter is mistakenly
blocking a site...

...they just need to submit the URL
and I can...

- Okay. What do you want?
- Excuse me?

Tell us what we can do,
so that you can do this for us.

Oh, cool.
I didn't know it could work that way.

I guess I could use decent parking.

Right now they make me park
in Annex B like a lunch lady.

Our committee can talk to Parking.

Let's be clear. I want everything
to get through that blocker.

- What do you mean everything?
- Everything!

Understood.

I'm very happy right now.

- So just, bears everywhere?
- Yep.

And then we'll have some cakes,
party hats.

Birthday stuff. This is coming together
better than I thought.

I'm sorry, birthday stuff?

- Yes, Duncan.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Birthday stuff.

Well, I've been sad to see that bulletin
board down in the cafeteria for so long.

Always had a passion for bulletins.

If parking for the IT guy puts
that board back where it belongs...

...I won't stand in the way.

You need,
speaking as a fan of bulletins...

...to have the dean appoint
someone to oversee them...

...to make sure they
stay organised and protected. I'll do it.

- We could look into that.
- Well, not to be that guy...

...but could you look into that
before I do this?

You wanna control all bulletin boards
in the school. Why?

You might wanna start talking turkey,
Waldron...

...the Macy's Parade is almost over
and Grandma's getting drunk.

Know where my department's power
comes from?

- Parking spaces.
- Wrong.

There was plenty of space to park
in dinosaur times...

...but not one single
Parking Department.

My power comes
from a scarcity of parking...

...just like your dad's comes
from a lack of hugs.

And you know what takes
my power away? Carpools.

Carpools organised
through rideshares.

Rideshares posted on bulletin boards,
you son of...

Take the books off your head,
we're done posturing.

You want me to talk turkey,
well, gobble, gobble...

...I want rideshares gone.

- Let's get out of here.
- All right.

- What?
- I'll talk to the dean.

So you don't even know
what Ewoks sound like?

The subtitles describe it as
"yip-chaa."

That's actually pretty close.

I must say, I don't know what we did,
but we sure did it.

I guess the key to dance decoration
is just pick an idea.

And bear down. Right, buddy?

Here are your sodas. Oh, my God.

- Yeah. Pretty great.
- Yeah. Bear down, baby.

Too soon, you guys.

This is way too soon.

- Too soon for what?
- Too soon for this.

After this morning in Wisconsin?

Bear breaks loose at kid's party,
mauls a bunch of people.

Why am I explaining this when this
is obviously a ghoulish reference to it?

The news has been
covering it all morning!

That's where I got the idea.

Sometimes you hear something,
forget you heard it...

...but you think you came up with...
Oh, man, this is bad.

We're in crisis mode now.

We really messed up, you guys.

"An Office of Bulletin Board
Oversight."

What a novel idea.
I'm gonna fill out this form right away.

But first, a toast...

...to hanging a bulletin board.

Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.

First time toasting? Get in here, buddy.
Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.

I'm not saying that.

Oh, well, I hate to be that guy...

...but I'm not signing this form
until Professor Hickey says:

"Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy."

Damn it, Annie. Don't do this.

Whatever you've got in your butt...

...can we get it out later?

When, after he signs it?
After it's too late?

- Annie?
- You petty old man.

When we started, I thought
you'd get a taste of the system...

...and spit it out,
not open a bottling plant.

- You're just like all the people that...
- What? The people that put you here?

The people in the big machine
that made you fail?

You went from being a cop
to teaching criminology...

...because of the system, right?

Unfortunately for Greendale, you have
to prove it by getting nothing done.

Here's a bulletin for you:

Annie Edison
doesn't get nothing done.

Where should I put that bulletin?

On a sham piece of cork
controlled by a Parking guy...

...that lights his cigars
on student rideshares?

My God, Annie.

What kind of labyrinth
have you created?

Certainly not the magic kind
with puppets and macho rock stars.

You whored yourself out, kid.
You wanted that board so bad...

...you made every board
on campus worthless.

And in doing so,
made the school just a shade dirtier.

I thought better of you, young lady.

Oh, man, this got Sorkin-y.

Yeah, well, I didn't think anything
in particular of you...

...and now I see why!

Okay, I didn't follow most of that,
but it feels like I ought to do this:

Oh, hey, Annie.

What do you think?

"Fat Dog For Midterms"?

- Yeah.
- Pretty cool.

- I don't understand.
- That's an expression.

"Fat Dog For Midterms."
Like, "Don't sweat it. Fat dog it.

- Hang out, relax, like a fat dog."
- Look it up on Wikipedia.

- There's an entry in there.
- Yep.

I never... Okay, I just...

- I feel like I'm missing...
- You know, Annie...

...sometimes it feels like
you don't take us seriously.

We bring it on ourselves,
but it's still pretty frustrating.

- Annie, is this a race thing?
- Race.

No! God, no.

You guys.
I accept that it's an expression.

But I don't see the connection...

You're over-thinking, Annie.
It's decorating.

Just pick an idea and bear down on it.

Really poor choice of words, Ben.
Too soon.

You guys are right. I'm sorry.

I've had a really hard day.
I need to just fat dog this concept.

- Fat dog.
- Fat dog it, baby.

- Right.
- This will be perfect.

This has been a great day.

Yes.

But sometimes,
great days can turn ugly.

Like when Queen Stevarios massacres
the entire Vogadash family...

...at Lord Brince's funeral...

...in Bloodlines of Conquest.

That's how the last book ends.

Sugar.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Abed,
but to the spoiler goes the victory.

But I really liked her.

She likes you too,
but she also likes cash.

I'm devastated.

Now I feel bad.

But you learned a lesson...

...and I gave
a differently-abled person a job.

Oh, no. Now I really feel bad.
Wait, no. Come back.

Let's be fat dogs about this.

Hello. What happened to you?

- Nothing. You never called.
- I'm sorry.

The year of the gas leak,
but I won't use that as an excuse.

I can be inconsiderate
and a lot of other things.

Me too.
I guess I could've put in some effort.

- Do you want to go to lunch sometime?
- No. I'd like to go to dinner. Now.

I can do that.

I started this coat check
without permission anyway.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

No!

- No!
- All right, all right, enough!

Let's go.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

Let's do it again.

There's a brand-new dance
Based on an old phrase

It's called The Fat Dog
And it will amaze

You've heard this expression
Your entire life

It's not made up
It's not made up

There's a brand-new dance
Based on an old phrase

It's called The Fat Dog
And it will amaze

You've heard this expression...

It's a bear dance!

Damn it.

You've reached
Greendale Faculty Office Supply.

For pencils, pens,
and markers, press one.

For tape, glue, and adhesives,
press two.

For staples, paper clips,
and fasteners, press three.

For marigold, press four.

Marigold. For obsidian, press one.

For aqua cerulean, press two.

For arcadia, press three.

Enter activation code.

Confirmed. Arcadia initiated.

What's your clearance level?

Top.

- You really wanna activate this, sir?
- Yeah.

Oh, no, no. Cancel it.

Wait. Who are you? Who is this?

It's not... I'm...

Right in front of you, stupid.