Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 2 - Introduction to Teaching - full transcript

Jeff blows off his new teaching job at Greendale until Annie signs up for his class and forces him to teach, and Abed loses his religion when he takes a course about whether Nicolas Cage is good or bad.

Hi, everybody. I'm Jeff...

Mr. Winger,
and this is Fundamentals of Law.

Any questions? You, Red Hair.

- Not gonna learn names.
- Will there be a syllabus?

"Will there be a syllabus?"
Good example of a question. Moving on.

- Ski Cap.
- How are we gonna be graded?

Oh, no spoilers, Ski Cap.

We better do names.

Dave. What percent of our grade
will the final be?

Come on, guys, percentages, grades,
that syllabus thing...

Are we human beings
or just question-and-answer machines?

We're students...

...and you're a teacher.


I'm a teacher.

Did you see that?

That teacher just leered at me.

Hey, look,
it's the star of Head of the Ass.

Shut up, Leonard. Nice earring. Like the
road manager for the California Raisins.

What kind of teacher
talks to a student like that?

- Right?
- Yeah.

Fresh meat, huh?

Yeah, Jeff Winger, Law.

Buzz Hickey, Criminology.
You can have that half of the office...

...but come spring, that corner
is stacked to the rafters with fetal pigs.

I won't be here that long.
This is sort of a temporary gig for me.

I get it. Teaching to make ends meet until
a real job comes along, yeah, me too.

- Oh, cool. How long have you been...?
- Fifteen years.

Fifteen years and counting.

"Temporary gig."

Oh, I like you.

The new table turned out great, Abed.

Splendid varnishing.

"Table Mark II"?

I added that,
and a few custom upgrades.

It's voice-activated.
Table, resume table mode.

- Table, power down.
- Wait. I got a cup on there.

Oh, teacher man.

- Mr. Winger.
- Professor Winger.

Please don't razz me
about being a teacher.

Teaching's the most
noble profession in the world.

Tell that to the guy that shares
my office. Fixes cuckoo clocks for fun.

Sounds like Mr. Hickey,
my criminology professor.

I hope you'll be a better teacher
than him.

Annie, I don't know law.

I wasn't a real lawyer, remember?

I can't just pretend I'm teaching.

I'm not MythBusters.

There's a two-day course called Nicolas
Cage: Good or Bad? I'm signing up.

Always wanted to know. Nicolas
is one of pop culture's great mysteries.

Course on Nicolas. Mention Jesus...

- your teacher, you get a warning.
- Jesus wasn't in 70 movies.

I'm in. Cage class, fun.

You don't have time
to take a blow-off class.

Figure out what you're gonna teach
your students.

Thanks, Annie, for one glorious second,
I forgot I was a teacher.

Look at Mr. Smarty-Pants.

I am so excited.
Jeff is gonna help me save the school.

Not all by himself. I am learning Excel.

- Jeff, do you know Excel?
- No.

Well, it looks like you do.


I, as you know,
am Dramatic Professor Sean Garrity...

...and you are now embarking
on an odyssey of discussion...

...about an actor
who keeps the world asking:

"Nicolas Cage, good or bad?"

- Yes, young man?
- So you don't know?

Mr. Nadir.

Mr. Nadir drove our TV studies
professor out of his mind... proving that there was an answer
to "Who's the boss?"

- Angela.
- I admire your brain, Mr. Nadir.

I did not admire Professor Sheffield...

...but I promise you...

...this question has no answer.

Your homework is to watch
five Nicolas Cage films by Wednesday... marathons.

Space out your viewings.

Five, that's it?

Be careful, Abed Nadir.

Promise me you will be careful.

I have no idea
how to make a curriculum.

Becoming a teacher
was a huge mistake.

Without a doubt.

Now, that said, there are certain perks.

- Excuse me.
- I didn't know teachers could cut in line.

I can experience this food
warm and disgusting.

Winger, what are you doing?

This line is for food,
not for Lionel Richie tickets.

This is my house.

Come here.

This man's name is Mr. Winger...

...and Mr. Winger is a teacher.

You know what that means?

It means he gets your meatballs.


That's all I have.

Get out of here.

Place is a zoo.

The trick is you gotta show
the other baboons... got a bigger, redder ass.
Let's hit the lounge.

Everybody, this is the new guy,

He's having trouble
planning his curriculum.


Here's all you need to know:

Break into groups,
grade each other's papers...

...and please enjoy the seven-disc
edition of Planet Earth.

Is there a Mr. Winger in here?

Jeffrey, we need to carve out
some time to learn Excel.

Do you guys know Excel? I'm learning.

You know the rules, Pelton.
Drop the cheques and move on.

Jeffrey, I'm gonna boot up
my computer and download the tutor...

- What was that about?
- Union rules.

Management's not allowed
in the faculty lounge.

I could get used to this.

Nicolas Cage is so weird.

I mean, he seemed scared to smell
that flower but happy to get shot.

Complex performer. The Rock, Con Air,
then Face/Off. You think you understand.

Then Windtalkers, Guarding Tess,
The Wicker Man.

He begs you to stop watching,
but you can't.

That was an odd choice.

- Odd good or odd bad?
- Maybe he's just good in good movies...

...then acts crazy in crap
to make drug money.

But is he good or bad?
Every actor is something.

Robert Downey Jr., good.
Jim Belushi, bad.

Van Damme, good kind of bad.
Johnny Depp, bad kind of good.

There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it.

I just have to find him.

I'm gonna go check on Jeff.

- Hello.
- Hey, Jeff.

- How's the old curriculum going?
- Great.

Consider our nation's youth

Want a refill, Winger?

- Is that Hickey?
- Yeah. Working on syllabuses.

Hey, let's turd some lockers!

Gotta go. Teacher thing.

It's syllabi.

Guterman. Dropping mad science?

Elaine, take it easy
on the Oxford commas.

Hey, walk, don't run, mister.
This isn't a racetrack.

Okay, dangerous minds, let's break
into groups, discuss chapter one.

And if you are lucky,
we might sneak in a little Planet Earth.

Any questions?

Just a few.

She in your class, yo.

So I guess...

...just read chapter one.

Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

Class dismissed.

Not so fast, Jeff.

I assume you know
why I'm keeping you after class.

Not really. Ski Cap and White Dave...

- stuff wrong too.
- You're the teacher.

- You don't have to rub it in.
- What I saw today was embarrassing.

You were late, you clearly had no idea...

You had no idea
what tort reform meant.

I asked you to explain the Sixth,
you pled the Fifth.

- I know my rights.
- No, you don't.

That's the problem.

Here. I gathered some materials.

Tomorrow morning, before class...

...I need to verify
you know enough to teach.

You're gonna quiz me?

I wish Troy was in my class
instead of you.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

Hey, wait.
I warned you to separate these worlds.

She's lead, we're chalk.

She needs to be taken out.

Of your class.

I say minus her.

- Minus her?
- Give her A-minuses.

- Drive her nuts, she'll drop.
- She'll call me on it, report me.

Teachers don't have to explain minuses.
Why do you think we invented them?

She's my friend.

You like the Leonard meatballs?
They added something special.

It's Leonard.

Come on, I'm just messing with you.

You done with your bit?
I'd like my earring back.


Go get your earring,
you piece of human garbage.

I know. I could just...

Oh, my God.

Have a working theory. Don't react
until you've heard the whole thing.

If you watch closely, in Snake Eyes,
you'll notice the moment...

- ...where an alien arm could've come...
- Abed, this isn't worth it.

Maybe Nicolas Cage is just crazy.

All actors are crazy, Annie.

Some crazy actors are good,
some bad. None are neither.

There's no such thing as both,
so which one is Nicolas Cage?

Okay, so break into groups,
and then you guys quiz each other.

Mr. Winger, sir,
is that really the best use of our time?

Seems like the value
of having you here...

I think my value as a teacher
is to teach you how to learn.

- Teach ourselves?
- Won't learn if I tell you how to think.

- Tell us what you think, we'll learn.
- I thought break into groups.

But you failed to learn that,
so your theory's invalid.

Oh, snap.

Break into groups.

Mr. Winger, how did you do that?

- Do what?
- You won an argument against Annie.

You don't argue with Annie, Garrett.

You let her argue with herself
until she loses.

You can win by not arguing?

Yeah. Anyone that tries to argue
has already lost...

...because they pick
an argument to lose.

I mean, that's why I never lost a case.

Prosecutors beat themselves
because they... Here.

Because they draw a circle...

...around something called the truth.

And they say that
everything outside it is a lie.


Don't cry. You were right.

I actually might enjoy teaching.

I'm not crying because of you.

I got this from Professor Hickey.

What the hell?
He gave you a dead rat?

No, this is my
witness intimidation project.

- He gave me this.
- "A-minus."

I guess I overextended my schedule.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to drop your class.

Okay, thoughts on Nicolas Cage.

A genius.
He keeps getting hired for some reason.

It's not because of his hair.

I don't know.
If I was in 70 films over 30 years...

...spent each one
talking at random volumes...

...I might accidentally win an Oscar.

I think our opinions about pop culture
are fed to us by machines...

- ...designed to criminalize autonomy.
- Good one.

- Dear God.
- Abed.

No, stand back. Give him space.

Nicolas Cage, good or bad?

A challenge, certainly,
but not unsolvable...

...because all actors have distinct
values, which I use to find answers.

how much Nicolas Cage did you...?


I watched enough to find the answers.

Because this... This is my reality,
this is how I learned to be...

...and my being doesn't allow
for Nicolas freaking Cage, okay?

Oh, yeah.


Oh, I'm a cat.

I'm a sexy cat.


Think of something safe
like Holly Hunter or Don Cheadle.

Abed? Abed.

That was brilliant.

You gave Annie an A-minus?
How could you?

What were you thinking?

- Are you drawing a peanut?
- It's a duck. It's none of your concern.

Are you trying to cartoon?

Trying and succeeding.
State your business.

I wanna know what kind of monster
minuses the best student in his class.

I'm a monster?

I was in the storm drain lair
of the Black River Ripper.

I have seen human heads
used for things other than heads.

So you best not be calling me
a monster.

Okay, you're a bad teacher.

I got her off your back.

I was handling it.
I know how to engage my students.

I may not love teaching,
but I did fool around with it today.

I may hook up with it again
a few more times...

- ...even if I do dump it before Christmas.
- We do not work for them.

Maybe we do.

That doesn't count as an argument.

Well, drawing ducks doesn't count
as cartooning.

It's one duck, his name is Jim,
and publishers are interested.

Ms. Edison, good news.

I talked to Professor Hickey
and it turns out your project was an A.

Used your connections
to change my grade?

No, an A-minus means
you actually earned an A...

...but the teacher doesn't like you.
It's a secret faculty thing.

- What?
- Are you kidding?

Am I using that right?

I've been busting my butt
for five years...

...and the whole thing comes down
to a few old losers' petty insecurities?


We've gotta tell people.

Minuses are made-up!

It's riot time!


Bring me their heads!

Pop, pop!

Abed? I couldn't find you at school,
so I got worried.

You're throwing away
all your little movies, why?

They have no value anymore.

Well, if you're looking
for something to believe in...

...I know a skinny, little
Hebrew handyman you could meet.

I'm not gonna become Christian,
Shirley, or a better Muslim.

This was my religion.

I thought
the meaning of people was in here.

I looked inside Nicolas Cage
and I found a secret:

People are random and pointless.

Well, in my religion, the whole point is
you can't understand every little thing...

...and there's a word for people
who remind you...'re not God
and invite you to try harder.

Prophets, messiahs, kung fu pandas.

- So Nicolas Cage is Jesus?
- No.

But he clearly works in mysterious
ways, and maybe that's just his job.

That's why critics can call him
a genius or an idiot...

- right no matter what.
- Demon to some, angel to others.

- Like a cenobite.
- Did you say cenobite?

Yeah, cenobite, like from Hellraiser.

You like Hellraiser?
You know the word?

I thought Pinhead in space was a bit
of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride.

Rise up, Greendale!

Your teachers have been lying to you!

You deserve slightly higher grades!

Slightly higher grades!
Slightly higher grades!

- The whole world is watching this!
- Yeah!

Oh, wait. I'm out of data minutes.

The whole world will be watching this
on the first of next month!

Slightly higher grades!
Slightly higher grades!

Jeffrey, do something.

Distract them.
Take your shirt off. Here.

Slightly higher grades!
Slightly higher grades!

Everybody, calm down.

Just listen.

Do you think the students and teachers
at Harvard are at each other's throats?

No. Because they're all rich.

We all have something in common too.

We all suck.

We're all broke.

We just went through
an entire week of meatball lunches...

...without even blinking.

Oh, that's on me. I converted
the lunch menu to a spreadsheet.

The teachers here are teachers here...

...because they did something wrong,
same as the students.

So get on the same team...

...because, take it from me...

...those of us that get to leave
aren't going anywhere.

No, you suck!

go with my "take off your shirt" plan.

May I point out
that you're doing this together?

It's all based on rows and columns
of cells.

I think that's why they call it Excel.

- I don't care.
- Okay, now, I know it's unrealistic... think
we can eliminate riots completely.

But I've been crunching the numbers.

- We can reduce them by 40 percent.
- Let's hope the man doesn't target you...

- ...for dreaming this big.
- Here's my plan.

You know that Save Greendale
Committee you pretended to form?

We need one of those for real.

I want a student-teacher alliance,
with you in charge.

- I vote myself out.
- You don't have a quorum.

And don't forget, if I fire you, you're
likely to starve and die, so, you know.

Do you want me to cut your meatball?

All right, look...

...there are two things I don't do well:

Apologies and drawing duck bills.

I lost perspective.

Students aren't the enemy...

...and, I don't know,
maybe my bills are a little pointy...

...maybe I'm basing them on beaks.

Apologise to Annie.

I did, I gave her an A.

I don't know how else to make it right.

I guess, I don't know, I quit.

I got a better idea.

As our first order of business
for the Student/Teacher...

...Save Greendale Committee,
we hereby ban the dean...

...from attending future meetings.

- Yeah.
- Our second order of business: Lunch.


I'm taste-testing rations
for the shelter I'm digging.

Are you the coolest person
in the world?

- I doubt it.
- I'd like to address the fact...

...that there are no
Asian-Americans represented.

We can get Chang.

No need to rush into anything,
I just wanted to address it.

Anybody want some nuts?

I'm lonely because he's not
Learning Excel

I'm dying because he's not
Learning Excel

Like the sailors, who smoke
Cigarettes on the canal

But Excel won't be learned today

My thoughts are French

- Quiet, I think Jeff's coming.
- This is gonna be hilarious.

Yeah, pharmacy please.

Yeah, this is Buzz Hickey.

I think you gave me
the wrong medication.

I usually get Lipitor.

What do you mean my insurance
won't cover it anymore?

My body does not respond well
to the generic stuff.

Let me ask you a question, lady,
can you pay out-of-pocket?

I am an educator, ma'am,
living on a teacher's salary.

No, I'm sorry.

What's your name?

Leia. Well, let me tell you something,

I wake up every night screaming.

Life is unfair,
but it's the only thing we g...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll call back later.

Ma, it's Buzz.
I'm gonna say this as fast as I can.

We can't afford to bury dad
with the rest of the family.