Community (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 1 - Repilot - full transcript

Having failed in his second go-round as a lawyer, and unable to gather evidence for a potential lawsuit against Greendale, Jeff tries to convince the other former members of the Study Group to sue the school.

I am the system. I
consume humanity.

There is no escape.


♪ Jeff Winger, hero at law ♪

♪ Best lawyer you ever saw ♪

♪ Hero to freedom,
defender of liberty ♪

♪ South of the forty
on Lincoln ♪

♪ You park for free!
Jeff ♪

Are you a good person being
sued, oppressed, or beaten?

I can help,

and that's the Winger guarantee.

Call 555-her...

Maybe you should've spent
less money on special effect.

Huh, thanks a lot,
Francis Ford repo man.

Ohh, Jeff Winger!

♪ Loser at law ♪

♪ Rented office in a mini mall ♪

Relax, Tango.
I come in peace.

Way I see it, I screwed you.
I got screwed back.

Now we can bygone the bygones,

because I got a juicy new
client and a bone to throw you.

You hear about that bridge
that collapsed upstate?

A human could've said that
without salivating.

I represent Marvin Humphries,
the engineer who designed it.

- He wants to seek damages.
- From what? His own pencil?

From the only school reckless enough
to give him a degree in engineering.

City-funded school, deep
government pockets.

Maybe you've heard of it.

Greendale Community College.

Weird choice, by the way, the
bachelor's degree on the wall.

So you're gonna sue my old school
and you're bothering to tell me?

You have access there.

I need Marvin's records to prove
that he was irresponsibly educated.

Well, why don't you
just subpoena?

Right, so they can have
a shredding party.

See, that's the difference
between you and Greendale, Alan.

They wouldn't shred evidence.

- It's a good place for good people.
- It's a diploma mill.

It turns idiots into

and Jeff Winger into an attorney
that thought he could...

help people?

Jeff, I once saw you
convince an arson victim

that he liked
his house better burned.

God, look what that
school did to you.

It took all your money. It
took four years of your life.

And worst of all, it
took your Winger moves.

I still got my Winger moves.

Prove it.
Get me Humphries' records.

Because the next bone
you get thrown

might be through a dude's zipper
in the warehouse district,

and I can't guarantee you
it'll be from me.

Look, I might be broke,
desperate, and nearly homeless,

but I still got one thing deep
down inside that gives me power...

That was it. That was all I had.

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope ♪

♪ To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the
reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one, they
all just fade away ♪

Welcome back, human beings.

Dean Pelton here, wishing you
another magic year at Greendale,

ranked America's number
two community college

Regarding the recent tragedy
surrounding a certain collapsed bridge,

we will be observing a moment
of silence on the quad

followed by four years
of silence to the press.

I told you you'd be back.

Shut up, Leonard. I'm not here. I'm just
a figment of your creeping dementia.


How would I go about getting
records for certain alumni?

Why would you think a stranger could
just walk in here and do that?

- You're, uh, Rita.
- Rhonda.

I've always regretted not telling you
how much you remind me of my aunt.

It's more disarming
than it sounds.

I have a very attractive aunt.

Rhonda, why are you
wearing Jeff Winger's...


Are you, uh, looking for your friends?
They don't go here anymore.

Maybe you're looking
for somebody

that was in front of you the
whole time, just a pitch.

He's asking for records

for a certain alumni.

In the midst of all this
Marvin Humphries business,

I doubt this is a coincidence.

You're here to save me,
aren't you?

- Yes.
- Oh.

I thought I might contact
alumni to form a committee...

The Save Greendale Committee.

- Working title.
- Jeffrey, I'm gonna cry.

- Please don't.
- Request denied.


Rhonda will let you
in the records room.

It's actually your old study room.

After you and your friends left, it
was closed for sentimental reasons.

And asbestos reasons, but
it's clean as a whistle now.

"Harassment Reports,"
"Hazardous Waste Citations,"

"Herpes Comma Water Fountains."

Come on. Where's Humphries?

I see your value now.

- Abed, why?
- "I see your value now."

It's a callback
to when we met first season.

And me calling years
"seasons" is a callback

to my first season dialogue,
and me calling...

Abed, I know what makes you
off-putting, but why are you here?

The Dean called me about
the Save Greendale Committee.

- Can I join?
- Well, I...

- Oh, no. Who else did he call?
- Just me. I called everyone else.



- Is that cool?
- It's the coolest.

Jeff, if you wanted to save Greendale,
why didn't you call us first?

Well, you guys just got
sprung from this joint,

and I figured you had
careers to get started.

- Yeah, working hard.
- Ah, yes.

What have they done to our home?

The table's buried.

- I got it. - This is where
we became a family.

Where Jeff made us a family.


We could repilot it.

This could be like Scrubs season
nine, a revamp, a do-over.

Jeff could come back
to Greendale as a teacher.

I'm not gonna be a teacher, Abed.
That's lame.

Come on.

Sit in your chair.
Complete the table.

- We want to help you save Greendale.
- Yeah!

Greendale! Greendale!

I got to go to the bathroom.

Mm, give him space.
Repiloting can be intense.

New people show up. Regulars
shift roles or even fall away.

Season nine of Scrubs, Zach Braff
was only in the first six episodes.

That son of a bitch.

After everything scrubs did for him?

I'm sorry.

Vision boarding.

Okay, vision boarding!
Oh, hi, Jeffrey.

Dean, I have to warn you about something,
because it's the right thing to do.

But first, why is there a
big empty box on your desk

that says "Humphries" on it?

Okay, the press has been
calling about Humphries,

and I didn't want any details about his
enrollment here to be spun against us,

so now there are no details.

Oh, ooh.
That was his thesis.

Okay! So sue me!

This ain't Harvard, Jeffrey.

Okay, my job is to give a certain
number of degrees per year,

or we could get shut down.

And that would be bad because...

Ah, because then I
wouldn't have a job.

And, you know, Greendale is a
good place for good people.

That whole spiel, huh?


That whole spiel.

Shock me by impressing me.

- He shredded Humphries.
- What?

I told you! How could
you let this happen?

Sir, I have to ask you to
leave the concierge desk.

Jeff, this case was all I had.
I am screwed!

My wife left.
My girlfriend dumped me.

And they're sisters, so now
the whole family's pissed.

Shut up. Bring me all the paperwork
for filing a class action.

Letters of intent, engagement,
everything. Multiple copies.

Winger, you just lost our client!

But I can create five new ones.

It's so dusty. Let's get
this off the table.

And that's the Winger guarantee.

Okay, maybe we should bring
strong fundraising ideas...

- That aren't bake sales...
- Hey.

Or opening a zoo where the humans are
in cages and the animals come to visit.


Are you okay, Jeff? You
left kind of freaked out.


I can't stop thinking
this school might be in trouble

because of this
bridge-collapsing guy.

He's the one making bad bridges.

That's like me blaming owls for
how much I suck at analogies.

Sometimes a student
will claim, in court,

that their school ruined their life,

and they'll win.

You want to save Greendale?

- Make it litigation-proof.
- How?

Think like the enemy.

How did Greendale
damage you, Annie?

It didn't. I love
hospital administration.

- Is that your job?
- Well...

not yet.

But I administer
things to hospitals,

like these.


- "Futurza"? - They're a rising
star in pharmaceuticals.

They invented fibromyalgia and
the cure for fibromyalgia.

You push drugs now?
That's ironic.

I push pens, Britta.

Speaking of irony, how's
the therapy market?

- Depressed?
- I'm on sabbatical.

You're jewish?

I'm doing hands-on research about
the psychology of alcoholism.

You're a bartender, aren't you?

Which is basically like
a modern-day therapist.

If somebody tells me about a
murder, I can't tell anyone.

Wow, you're even
bad at bartending.

What about you?

Abed's working on the next
billion-dollar social media app.

And when it takes off,
all I got to do is sue him.

It's fool-proof.

You're programming now, Abed?

Didn't get any work with
your four-year film degree?

One job, directing a commercial.

- Still haven't been paid.
- I'll cut you a check tomorrow,

but just so we're clear, you quit.

Creative differences.

I asked you to put the phone
number on the screen.

I didn't like the number.
555? It's derivative.

It's the number of my business.

It sounds fake. How can every
number start with 555?

- Are there only 10,000 numbers?
- Abed, you quit?

You said you got fired. You haven't paid
the rent of our apartment in two months.

Well, why don't you sell him a pill that
will help him give up on his dreams?

Relaxabrex doesn't make you
give up on your dreams.

That's a side effect.

At least the drugs I sell don't get
slurped out of my belly button.

That's only on Tummy Tuesdays!

- Oh, it's okay...
- Oh, I'm sorry...

Andre left again.

It's... It's not like last time.

Um, he's staying with family.

He took the boys. He took the dog.
He took the D.V.R.

166 episodes of Bones just gone.

It was my fault this time.

I cheated on him

with Shirley's Sandwiches.

I threw the money into expanding.
I just didn't think I could fail.


Well, just so you know,

this is the sort of stuff
that someone could use

to make a claim
against a school.

I have to go to the
bathroom again.

While I'm gone,

I want you to think about
what I said

as an exercise.

Do you guys feel weird
about doing this without...


That's everything you asked for.

Who are you flipping?

My friends,

who are now the Save
Greendale Committee,

- which I created.
- Ohh.

Classic Winger.

I forgot what it was like
to be good at being bad.

So just close the deal and
bring it home to daddy, eh?

Oh, sorry, Alan.
Change of daddies.

- I'll take it from here.
- No, no, but it's my case.

Humphries was your case.


- You're scaring me.
- Good.

Guys like you should be more scared.

You trust-funded, body-sprayed,
Eli-Roth-DVD owner...

You're an amateur monster, Alan,

and you stomp in the
grave of a real monster

who was willing to stay buried

because real monsters have shame,

because they wish that...

You're not worth the monologue.

- Give me your tie.
- What?

No monologue for you.
Give me your tie.

That's for making me
go to this school.

That's for making the
last four years happen.

And now I get to make them un-happen for
me and the only people I care about.

I failed my husband.
I failed my kids.

I've failed Bones.

I'm helping to hook a whole new
batch of little Annies on Adderall.

I've been spending so
much time with computers,

your tears are just ones
and zeroes to me.

Yeah, you were a real
Hallmark card before.

I'm much sadder
than the rest of you.

I will figure out why later.

Jeff, full disclosure...

Our lives are worse than
the day we got here.

Well, that is a serious allegation
to arrive at all by yourselves.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

And we've come to a
decision as a group,

and please don't judge
us for suggesting it.

Hey, I'll back you up
no matter what.

We decided to re-enroll
at Greendale.

What? Are you nuts?

Greendale! Greendale!

Greendale! Greendale!

You guys want to keep it down?

- Chang?
- Kevin?

Chang. I've dropped the amnesia thing,
copped to my crimes, and went to jail.

Now I'm on work release.

- Working as what?
- Math teacher.

Next, explain the pajamas.

Well, I'm on work release from house
arrest, but I don't have a home.

See this? This won't let me
travel 100 yards from this,

and this only has
a 30-yard cord,

so I can only travel...

Whatever. You do the math.

- You said you teach math.
- Exactly. I teach it. You do it.

Chang was faking his Changnesia?

They seriously rehired a teacher they
fired for trying to burn down the school?

After being rehired as a security guard

after being fired
for impersonating a teacher.

That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Worse than insane.

- Evil.
- I don't believe in evil.

But this school clearly got
a finger up its butt as a child.

This place ruins lives.

If that were true,

then what could we
possibly do about it?

Make 'em dance, Winger.

Ew, Jeff, what's your evil
old legal Nemesis doing here?


No, we were partners again

until I lost my usefulness.

I may be evil,

but your friend here is
so much more dangerous.

Tell 'em how it
took you 30 minutes

to make them think they wanted
to sue their own school.

I did it.


Anyway, I'll leave you
to pick up these pieces.

I'm gonna go score some blow.

My dealer's a gym teacher here.

You were lying to us?

I never lied to you.

I showed you the right truth.

Britta, when we met, you
were an eclectic anarchist.

How did you become
the group's airhead?

Thank you?

And, Shirley, you've gone
from an independent divorcee

striking out on her own to a bankrupt fry
cook hoping for a call from her husband.

Troy, your entire identity
has been consumed

by your relationship
with another man.

You found my Clive Owen Tumblr.

And what happened to Annie
the Unstoppable Go-getter?

Well, there was that
gas leak last year.

Oh, don't blame it all
on the gas leak year.

This was a four-year process.

We went in one end
as real people

and out the other end
as mixed-up cartoons.

- Cool.
- Sure.

This coming from the guy who's had
how many psychotic breaks on campus?

Are we including the gas leak year?

You all came here
with a chance to be something,

and you all had that
taken away from you.

Get something back.

Seek damages.

Sign here.

But you're our hero.

- I mean, in the commercial...
- The commercial was a lie.

You staged a robot fight?


In real life, the robot wins.


If Jeff didn't change,

then Jeff is right.

Case closed. Let's
make some money.

Okay, Jeff, if this is what
you really want to do.

I'll sign.

The choice to make is yours.

No, it's yours.

We're putting Greendale
in your hands.

Do we all have to say something?

- No, you can just sign it.
- Okay.

- You brought us together.
- With lies.

But what you do is
above lying, remember?

You show us the right truth.

You won't regret this.

I'd like to take the study room
table in back and burn it.

Burn it? Why?

The same reason I never returned
Time Bandits to Blockbuster.

Nobody else deserves it.


Looks as if you've lost your way.


Continue on this path, and you
might miss your last chance

to see the Pierce Hawthorne
Museum of Gender Sensitivity

and Sexual Potency
on the central quad.

The museum and this hologram
were donated in compliance

with a court order I'm
not allowed to discuss.

Let's just say some women
can't take a compliment.


What I am allowed
to discuss is Greendale,

and I'll say this...

Don't turn your back on it.

Take it from a man with
no legal right to be there.

You're in a special place.

A crappy place, sure,

but only because it gives crappy people
a chance to sort themselves out.

Did I sound gay at the end?
Do you want to do another take?

- Ahh! Jeffrey, I'm not decent.
- I know.

These are the signatures of the
five people that are crazy enough

to care about this toilet.

And tonight, I almost
got them to sue it.

- Heed the warning!
- It's not easy being Dean, Jeffrey!

- Then stop being the Dean!
- It's my whole ideantity!

I mean, wah, see what I did there?
That's proof!

Get your crap together.

Your job is not to
hand out degrees.

Your job is to make this
a toilet

that people don't have
to be crazy to care about.

But you could stay here
and help me save the school.

For how much money?

I-I can't offer you any money.
I could offer you a job.

You just described slavery.

I mean, there's nothing in
the budget for school saver,

but I could hire you as...

Screw you, Abed.

I'd be depressed right now
if these samples from work

weren't giving me
a new outlook on life.

If you're interested
in learning more,

ask your doctor if Joyvatrex
is right for you.

Oh, honey.

If we sue Greendale, can
I be a surprise witness?

Wait. Don't tell me.


We shouldn't sue the school.

- Ohh.
- Come on!

Are you trying to give us
emotional whiplash?

Look, if you feel there's more
work to be done on yourselves,

then as crappy as this place is,

it's a place that you can do it.

- You got a job teaching here, didn't you?
- I don't want to talk about it.

Well, then, I'm getting back
into forensic science.

That was my actual dream.
It's my fault I bailed on it.

A film degree doesn't
make me a filmmaker.

I need to learn how to work
with other people.

- I need to figure out who I am.
- I'll help you.

Get out of my brain.

I need to learn how
to really run a business

by my own standards,
not Greendale's.

I'm gonna get a four-year psych
degree, then a master's,

and become a real psychologist.

Or you could find another major.

A real psychologist.

- How about English?
- Psychology.

All right, what's important
is, no matter what,

we'll be trying to talk Britta
into doing something different


Burn, hopelessness.

- We got this.
- Oh, my God, be careful!

Little victories count
for a lot around here...

Wow, this is good.

Even if you never asked
to win in the first place.

And you have to enjoy those
nice moments while you can.

See, he does a voice-over wrap-up
at the end of every episode.

- Wow.
- Cool.

Because around here,
they never last very long.


Once more. More teachery.

I want to kill myself.

Use that.

- Are you a good person?
- Yes, unlike you.

I can... guarantee. The Winger...
beaten... you.

Not anymore.