Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 7 - Economics of Marine Biology - full transcript

Dean Pelton and Annie try to land a "whale" student while Jeff is assigned to keep Pierce occupied. Meanwhile, Troy and Shirley take a physical education education course, and Abed creates a fraternity to annoy the dean.

His name is Archie Decoste.

Age, 22, total years spent
in high school, seven.

Sat score zero.

And he was recently arrested
for selling marijuana

to a police officer
at a police station.

So, you want us to help
you recruit this idiot

instead of an honors student
or a science genius?

Do we go to the same Greendale?

Ah, but let me reveal the
fortune inside this cookie.

Family net worth, $8 million.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is what we

in the community college
recruiting game call a "whale."

The perfect mix
of low intellect,

high lack of ambition,
and limitless parental support.

So, a rich dumb-dumb
who will never graduate

and keep dropping money into the
school indefinitely. Got it.

Is there really that much
money in this, Dean,

or is it like that endorsement deal
you made with let's potato chips?

If you don't like the
crispy-licious taste of Let's,

feel free to eat
that other greasy brand.

Not this guy.

Thank you, Troy,

and, I will explain the value
of this whale by describing one

who's been swimming
right under your nose.

Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80%

of Greendale's classes
more than twice.

He is the only Greendale student
who has ever paid for a premium locker

or the extended
pencil warranty.

Pierce cannot know about this.

He's a big baby who throws tantrums
when anyone else gets attention.

Remember when Kerri Strug
visited our campus?

- That was horrible.
- That was awful.

I have scheduled
Archie's visit for tomorrow

when Pierce has no classes.

Guys, I'm asking,

as treasurer
of the forensics club.

The Dean said we could use some of
the whale money for a new body farm.

- Mmm.
- Who wants to help?

I'm in.
Sounds like a romper.

We do need money.

The biology department's been dissecting
the same dead pig for 10 years.

If we land this kid,
we can buy 100 dead pigs

and make everybody happy.

I'll help where I can, but
I started a new PE class.

I've been avoiding it for three years,
but you can't run from running forever.

I'm in PE too.

I made room in my trophy case.

Then, I remembered classes
don't give out trophies,

so I put a fishbowl
there instead.

It's been quite the week.

So, the rest of us will
have to pick up the slack,

and, yes, Jeffrey,
I assume you're out,

because of your track record of
literally being too cool for school.

Actually, you can
count me in on this one.

(All react)

You had me at
"no Pierce."

He's been all over me lately to hang out.
It's weird.

You just want to be
a part of something.

Admit it, Thanksgiving softened
that Winger underbelly.

Ugh, Britta.

Now, let's set sail
and hunt that whale!

- Yeah.
- Hey, let's do that.


You know
what the commercial says.

"Keep your damn hands
off my Let's."

♪ Give me some rope
tie me to dream

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam

♪ somebody said it can be here

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

Hey, Jeff, there you are.

I was thinking we could swing by
this great barbershop I know.

You're looking
a little stubbly,

and nobody handles a razor
like an Italian.

They develop nimble fingers
from pleasing their mistresses.

Thank you for opening my
eyes to two new stereotypes.

Now, how can I put this?

I don't want to go.

Not now, not ever.

No prob.

We'll work around your skedge.


- It's okay. Pierce is gone.
All:- Yes.

Walking Dead has left the building.
Resume operation, Deadliest Catch.

Archie is gonna love
this banner.

The name, brand
glitter really shows.

Yo, yo, yo.

School board guys
in the hizzie!

Richie, Richie, pace yourself.

Hey, there, Dean.

Just thought we'd pop in
and check on the big whale hunt.

Ah, what a day we have
planned for young Archie.

Library tour, calculator
lab demonstration...

And, it all culminates

in the "spirit of
Greendale" reception.

Magnitude is a soft yes.

Oh, wow, that's a get.

As much as we love
that magnitude,

your tour may be
lacking a little...

Tour sucks, bro.

- What?
- You gotta think big.

Hookers, blow, hookers.

He's been mixing,

but there is some wisdom there.

We need this whale money.

The kid likes snowboarding.

Maybe Shaun White finds his
way on the faculty roster.

He likes to party.

Maybe Greendale
suddenly has a frat.

The Delta Cubes, or whatever.

Dean, you're not
considering this, are you?

No, no. Greendale
stands on its own.

No hookers, no blow,

no Shaun White frat.

College dean
threatening a fraternity.

You'll never shut down
the Delta Cubes.

- What?
- Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes...

Look, it's your call, Craig.

Don't let this whale swim away.

Cruise by Skeeper's
Express for a refill?

I'll second that motion.


I've been working
on my victory dances.

Basketball, football,

and crab soccer.

That one's the hard one.

Well, that's nice.

Hey, when I was
in grade school,

PE was about being picked
on and picked last,

but, you'll put me
on your team, right?

- Right, but also, wrong.
- Ah.

PE's about
survival of the fittest.

(Blows whistle)

Line up, class.

Welcome to PEE
I'm coach Jason Chapman.

Physical education education?

I thought that was a typo
in the course cartalogue.

It started as a typo,

but it's grown
into one of Greendale's

most successful programs.

Anyone can take PE.

I teach my student coaches
to teach PE.


- Something funny, coach Barnes?
- No, it's just...

You're teaching us
how to be gym teachers.

Gym teachers?

A gym is a building,

a man-made structure
inside which

physical education teachers

teach physical education to
physical education students.

Pop quiz, coach Barnes,

a student is choking
on a plastic golf ball.

- What do you do?
- I...

How many orange cones does it take
to line a regulation soccer field?

What if students are
talking during stretches?

When my kids talk past bedtime,

I use my angry voice,
and I say,

"the next peep I hear will be the last."
And I give 'em one of these.

Not bad, coach Bennett.


- Look at me!
- I see you.

(Indistinct chatter)

Two hours late?

This is exactly the lack of follow-through
that makes Archie so appealing,

but still, send a text, right?

Okay, Abed, I told you we're
not doing the fraternity idea.

The Delta Cubes will never die.

We've only just begun to fight.

You only began yesterday.

Whale, ho!
Look alive, everyone.

Hey, what are you guys
all doing out here?

Oh, no! Pierce will
ruin everything!

What's an Archie?
Why does he get a banner?

Do something.




There you are, Pierce.

Thought you were
gonna cancel our plans.

- Plans?
- To spend the entire day

together away
from everyone else.

Oh, yeah!
Those plans.


Suck it, bozos.

You're getting ditched
by the cool kids.

Oh, what a day
we're gonna have.

Text me the instant
I can ditch him.

- Oh!
- Hey, guys.

Sweet campus.

Welcome to Greendale.
I'm bean Pelton.

"Bean Pelton?"
Dean Pelton.

Gosh, I'm nervous.

Please enroll in our school.
Please, please.

Nice scooter, Archie.

Yeah, city college gave
it to me as a present.

- City college?
- Mmm-hmm.

City college
bought you a vespa?


So, Archie,
have you heard about

our half-pipes and hash pipes class,
taught by professor Shaun White?

- What?
- Yeah, let me tell you about it

in our Mountain Dew
cool zone tent.

Put up a tent, write "Mountain
Dew" on it, make it cool.

Ah, here we go. Let's keep going.
This is our library.


Archie, why don't you
"hang ten" on the web

while I talk business,
and you know what?

You can take that computer.

Archie: Wah!

My friends and I can
drop it off an overpass.

Ah, I shouldn't
have heard that.

Dean, you're giving him
our computers?

He is a 22-year-old stoner-head
whose parents bought him a GED.

Which college is he
going to choose?

Vespa state, or "ooh, look
at our library" university?

Those school board guys
were right.

- Britta, where do we get drugs?
- Really?

Look who stumbled
onto the high road.

This is a slippery slope.

Well, city college slipped that slope
when they slipped him that scooter,

but they sure slipped up when they
let him set foot on our soil.

Three, two, one!

(Whistle blows)


Coach Barnes, it seems
dodge ball storage

isn't quite in your skill set,

much like table tennis prep.


Excellent job, coach Bennett.

You have the spatial reasoning
skills of a young Kevin Miller,

a really good PE teacher
I know.

The skill of ranking others in
order of ability is crucial.

In this next drill, our
two best student coaches

will split the rest
of the class,

coach Bennett, coach Neil.

- Yeah!
- Pick your teams.

- Coach Donovan.
- Coach Goldman.

- Coach McKenna.
- Coach Cutler.

- Coach Winston.
- Ooh, coach Dornetto.

- Coach Guest.
- Coach Panos!


Choose wisely.

You're one decision away
from victory or defeat.




Oh, yay!
(Chapman groans)

Chapman: Well picked,
coach Bennett.

Your team wins!
(Cheers and applause)

Shirley: Oh, we won!

Pierce: Ah,
the barbershop.

A reminder of a bygone era
when men were men,

and women were sex
cooks who did laundry.

I've been getting a daily
shave here for decades.

And apparently, reading the same
eight magazines the entire time.

Yeah, National Geographic's
got some

tribal boob shots
that are exquisite.

There's something
about a breast

that's never been touched
by white hands.

You are a complicated man.

Pierce: Silvio, spin up
lucky number seven.

('50s crooner music playing)

You know what?
That feels good,

I'll give you that.

Now, that soda goblet

gets you free refills
in the cafeteria,

and it was painted
by our professor Ed Hardy...

- Whoa!
Pelton:- Who teaches bikini class.

Oh, yeah!


Whoa, check out that bling!

I want that.

You heard him, Annie!
Bling the king!

Yeah, just take it off of him.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Delta Cubes!

Prepare to bond
through embarrassment.

Pacifiers in!


Code Dean!
Code Dean!

Gosh dean it, Abed!
I told you, no fraternities!


There's soda all over my kicks!

Britta, give Archie your scarf
so he can dry his kicks.

Dry his kicks, Britta.
Put your back into it!

Line drawn!

If I wanted to wait
on a rich man hand and foot,

I would've gone to Dubai what
that sheik I met at trader Joe's.


Don't worry about her, Archie.

Onward to
the Microbrew Pizzatorium!

I think all a man needs in life
is a close shave, a cold beer,

and you know,
maybe a faithful dog.

Hmm, I had a chocolate lab
growing up, Rosie.


She used to wake me up every
morning by licking my feet.

Mine was Walter,
a German Shepherd.

Followed me to school
every day.

I'd look out the window,
and there he was,

dropping a steaming
fat one on the lawn.

Would someone please tell me
why I've been shaving my own face

all these years like a sucker?


(Blows whistle)

This state-of-the-art
mock locker room,

or "mocker room,"
simulates the conditions

of an actual locker room.

Don't we have
an actual locker room?

You think you're ready
for that, coach Barnes?


For our next drill,
drama students

will play the role
of PE students,

and each of you will oversee them
in a "mocker room" setting.

My character just had
her first period.

Mine has eczema!

Coach Bennett,
care to go first?


(Whistle blows)

(Indistinct shouting)

Keep yo hands to yourself!

Running will get you
five laps, mister!

- Ow!
- Joey!

I will come in that shower
and kick yo bare ass!

Joey: Sorry,
coach Bennett.

I have never seen such
natural disciplinary skills.

You're up next, coach Barnes.

Entertain us
with your ineptitude.


How's the foam machine
coming, Leonard?

Memories will be made tonight.
(Cell phone rings)

Pelton: Destiny!

Oh, thank you for coming
on such short notice.

Well, I did get
your Christmas card.

Look... no, so... no, no,
no time to pre-party.

You and the girls get in
position and wait for my signal.

- Strippers?
- (Gasps)

Oh, tons.

- It's good for the school.
- Mmm-hmm.

The whale is here.
Balloon drop, go!

(Thumping techno music)

There you go.

Release the whores.

Pelton:- Oh, yeah.
Archie:- No way!

(Both chuckling)


I was wrong about this shop.

It really is special.

Well, if you like the place so
much, why don't you gay marry it?



You probably
didn't notice it, Jeff,

but I've been subtly trying
to get us some alone time.

I might've picked up on that.

I'm no stranger
to father issues,

so I know confronting your
dad couldn't have been easy,

and I just want to say
I'm proud of you.


If you're so proud...

Why don't you gay marry me?


You guys, behave!

Hit the showers!
Everybody in the showers!

Please stop hitting each other!

Hit the showers!
Cut! Scene!

Shirley, help.

I can't control these drama
students or their characters.

No! No!

PE is survival
of the fittest, Troy.



(Cell phone rings)
Hey, your phone's buzzing.

Ooh, it's from Annie.
You sly dog.

"Need more time.
Keep Pierce busy."

Keep me busy?

Look, the group is giving
some big shot a tour,

so it's my job
to keep you busy.

You know how you get jealous.

So, that's why you
spent the day with me?

You drew the short straw.

Well, that's how it started,

but I really did end up
having a good time.

Yeah, I used to regret not
having a son to bring here.

I'm glad I didn't have kids.

They just end up
disappointing you.

(Bell on door chimes)

(Thumping techno music)

So Archie, having a good time?

Gettin' crazy up in this club?

Sicker than ever, bro!

I've made my decision, Dean.

I'm about to get all up
in this Greendale.



Human beings, it's official!

Say hello
to our newest Greendalian,

Archie Decoste!

(Cheers and applause)

Pop pop!

All: Pop pop!

I want that to be my thing now.

I don't think you can do that.

Magnitude, you're not to
say "pop pop" ever again.

Not pop?

That's right.
Find a new thing.

Get him out of here.

Ah! Here we go!
We're back!


♪ Get dirty

♪ Get dirty

♪ Get dirty

♪ Get dirty

(in slow motion)
Pop pop!

♪ She's a dirty girl

Well, we did it.
We did what we had to do,

and I feel great about it.

- It's all for Greendale.
- All for Greendale.

Oh, you look pretty sad for someone
whose forensics club can now afford

that state-of-the-art
body farm.


I can smell the corpses now.

None of this
is weighing on you?



The only thing weighing on me is
tons and tons of whale money.

- Ah, Jeffrey.
- Hey. Landed a whale, huh?

Yeah, but I'm starting
to feel like maybe we...

Okay, Archie
goes to Greendale now.

We're moving forward, Annie!

Okay, we all paid a price.

You don't hear
Jeffrey grumbling,

and, he had to spend a whole
day with walking dead.

Well, that's true.
You know what?

I can't believe
I'm gonna say this.

Don't talk about Pierce
like that.

Look, maybe the only reason
he can be so unpleasant

is because we expect him to be.

If we don't treat him
like such a dick...

Well, he'll probably still
be one 98% of the time,

but the 2% he's tolerable,

it might be worth it.


Well, who put the salt
in his cereal, huh?

Look, I, for one, am still proud
of what we did for Greendale.

(Ominous scraping)

I've been up all night
trying out new catchphrases.

Diggity doo?

My God, what have we done?

I thought you dropped pee.

I did, but I lost my
keys in the mocker.

I had to hitchhike home last
night in a burrito truck.

It's not as fun as it sounds.

I'm sorry for how
I acted in class.

Don't apologize. You were the
fittest, and you survived.

Still, no one deserves
to be mocked

for being mock-locked
in a mock locker.

Friends should help
friends survive.

Ah! Oh, geez!

Ah, ah, ah!

So, I'm going to help you learn

to teach the most unteachable
student there is.


♪ Teachers teaching to teach

♪ Coaches coaching to coach

♪ You've gotta dig down deep

♪ To prove you want it the most

♪ Get your physical education

♪ Education

♪ There's no room in
the gym for hesitation

♪ PEE is not PE

♪ It's a totally
different philosophy

♪ It's physical education

♪ Education

- Well done, coach Barnes.
- I can't breathe.

You as well, coach Bennett.

You know, I was supposed
to teach you two

to teach other people,

but instead,

you ended up teaching me.


I did it!

I used the water fountain.

Archie, wake up!

Chillax, bro.
It's not even noon.

I will neither chill nor relax.

All this hoopla is not
what Greendale really is.

Greendale is
a nice welcome banner.

Greendale is
a foamless cafeteria.

And Greendale is Magnitude
saying "pop pop."

Now, I am a man
of very little integrity,

and I let students get away with
practically anything on this campus,

but I will not allow Greendale

to lose the things
that make it Greendale.

Now, Archie, I would love for
you to enroll in my school,

but I will not
change it for you.

Greendale will stay Greendale,

no matter what.

You know what?

Everybody kisses my ass
because my dad is loaded,

and they always give me
free stuff,

like that jet ski I sunk,

but it would be pretty sweet

to be treated
like a normal dude...


So I'm in.



You usually
have the perfect blend

of brevity and wit that sums
up situations like this.

Pop pop!


Oh, that's so good!

So good!

I think we all learned today that
all human beings deserve dignity.

(Whistle blows)

All: Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes!

Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes!

Delta Cubes,
operation, slack attack!

Slack attack?


All: Delta Cubes!
Delta Cubes!

Mark my words, Delta Cubes,

you'll pay for this!


♪ I've even been to paradise

is this seat taken?

Free country.

♪ Christopher Columbus
may have reached... ♪

You know, I was thinking

I might start coming here
more often.

I like the vibe.

You know what sport
I never got?


No argument here.

They lost me immediately
with the clown clothes.

You know, I belong to a
dozen country clubs.

Never played.

I just spend my time
hitting on the waitresses.

There's something about
a country club waitress

that just makes you wanna
pay your dues every year.

♪ Let's snack it up

♪ Let's do it right

♪ Let's taste the crisp
with the flavor and crunch

♪ with all our might

♪ Let's grab a bag

♪ Let's take a bite

♪ Let's grab potato chips,
Let's do it right... ♪

Get your damn hand
off of my Let's!

(Both chuckling)

Honestly, after all that,
you still eat splingles?

Uh, yeah, Troy.

Splingles have 30% less fat.

They're the fit chip.

You know, I kinda have a headache.
Maybe you should go home.