Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 4 - Alternative History of the German Invasion - full transcript

The Study Group loses access to the study room to the German foosballers, and Chang returns to campus, claiming to be suffering from "Changnesia."

Look, 12 o'clock.

The "History of Ice Cream" class
is letting out.

It's as informative
as it is delicious!

That class should've been ours.

I hear the final
is a sundae bar.

- Mm.
- I don't get history.

If I wanted to know what happened
in Europe a long time ago,

I'd watch Game of Thrones.

Troy, that show takes place
in a fantasy realm.

This class is
about the real world.


Not the show.

You need to think
before you speak.

I heard this teacher's
a real hard-ass.

- He's British, and he has a degree.
- I can't have a hard-buns teacher.

I'm already starting
a new business.

When am I supposed to see
my family?

And last week, Ben took his
first steps without me.

Quick impression.

Who am I?
You guys.

Ha! Dead on.

I know
"The History of Ice Cream"

would have been fun,

but not only will this class
be much less likely

to give us type 2 diabetes.

We might actually learn
so... n of a bitch!

[imitating techno tune]

Those annoying Germans
are back?

I thought they transferred
after they lost

their foosball scholarship.

I heard they were juicing.

No, them leaving would mean
Greendale got slightly better,

which, as we know,
does not happen.

Lukas, Karl, I see you've grown
a new douche bag.

My name is Reinhold.

I believe you know
my brother Juergen.

There vas some bad blood
between you two, ja?


Don't worry.

If there is one thing
Germans don't do,

it's hold a grudge.

Unless we're talking
about Die Hard 3.

Or the 20th century.

Morning, everyone.


I am Professor Cornwallis.

I know what
you're all thinking,

and the answer is...

Yes. I am a direct descendant

of general
Sir Charles Cornwallis,

who surrendered
the British forces at Yorktown.

Was anyone thinking that?

Students: No.

History is written...

By the victors.

Well, of course,
we all know the quote.

What does it mean?

According to Oxford University,

it means that my 20 years'
loyal service there

means nothing
next to a little slipup

with a co-ed.

But what it really means

is that history can be seen

from multitude
of vantage points.

So, for your first test
on Monday...

All: [Groaning]

I'm confused.
When do we get our ice cream?

I want to challenge you
to look at history

from all perspectives.

How would the story read
if it was written

not by the victors,

but by the vanquished?


How indeed?

[Chuckles wickedly]

[Ominous music]

[Laughing evilly]

I was recalling
a very funny episode

of the German version
of The Nanny.

"Franlein" gets a...

It wouldn't translate.

[Upbeat music]
♪ Give me some rope

♪ tie me to dream

♪ give me the hope

♪ to run out of steam

♪ somebody said
it can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up

♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ One by one,
they all just fade away ♪

And I still have those pants.
True story.


Oh, we have fun.

[High-pitched scream]


I should've realized
that might be startling.

Dr. Ken Kedan, greater Greendale
mental health services.

Kevin, does this gentleman
look familiar to you?

I'm sorry.
He doesn't.

Kevin? Uh-uh.
His name is Chang.

Oh, of course.

That explains the note.

"Hello, my name is Kevin.
I have Changnesia"?

- What is that?
- It's not uncommon

for victims of memory loss
to experience

some syntactical confusion.

Thus the inappropriate
insertion of his name

into an unrelated phrase.

No, he's always Dean that.

Once we learned
of the connection to Greendale,

we realized it would be
the perfect environment

for some immersive therapy.

No, absolutely not.

I can't have
an unbalanced nut job

traipsing around on my campus!

Put that on the rack.
Put that in the fridge.

Get him out of here!

Sorry. Your school board
already signed off on it.

Kevin is now
your responsibility.

[High-pitched wail]

I just felt
a strange disturbance.

- Did you have dairy this morning?
- Could be that.

Or it could be
that great evil is nearby.

I'll take
a provisional lactaid.

Won't be needing the lactaid.

Uh, guys?
This is our study room.

Please leave, and take that mushroom
cloud of drakkar with you.

Why must he hurt so
with his vords?

He's like a less funny
Hans Rickles.

I'm not here to argue,
Angela Jerk-els.

- Beat it!
- Ohhh!

Someone must have changed
the channel to USA,

'cause I just watched
a burn notice.


Who's Angela Jerk-els?

I can assure you,
ve are here for no reason

other than to study.

Our usual off-campus haunt,

der kaffee hausen,
is closed for the shooting

of an esoteric art film.

Tomorrow it shall re-open,
unt we shall be

out of your heavily
product-laden hair.


Jeff, it's just a little table
in the corner of the room.

Why don't we just let
them have it?

Because that's called

And everyone knows if you give
the Germans something small,

like the study room or Austria,

they end up
wanting something big,

like Earth.

- Oh.
- Jeff's right.

If there were more people
in the world like Annie,

we'd all be speaking
Vietnamese right now.

[Gasps in shock]

That was my war.

I had flashbacks for years.

Pierce, you moved to Canada.

And it was hell.

Those people call ham "bacon".

This is silly.
I'm just gonna walk over there

and tell them they are welcome
to share our room.


So today, ve study in here.

Unt tonight, we dine in hell.

[Imitating techno beat]

[imitating techno tune]

Doktor Blitz,
knight of the Atlantis Guild,

wielder of the four-pronged
trident on SpawnCraft?

How did you know?

I recognized your catchphrase,
"Tonight we dine in hell!"

I'm SpaceTimer8032.

You are SpaceTimer8032?

- The one and only.
- It's wonderful to meet you...


What was that all about?

You two seemed pretty chummy.

That man saved my life.

In a video game.

Let me get this as straight
as I can get things.

You authorized this?

After everything
that happened last year?

Hear us out.

They offered money.

Did it ever occur to you that
this man is a psychopath

who may be faking
his own Changnesia?

Oh, now he has me saying it.


I'm all turned around.

If he is faking,
you're welcome to prove it.

We get the money either way.


Oh, I will prove it.

And I'll have fun doing it.

Now, what to wear?


I know those guys
were annoying yesterday,

but aren't you glad
we didn't turn it

into a whole big macho
war thing?

Gosh, Annie, you're right.
I can't believe I doubted you.

Hey, apropos of nothing,

what's that sound you make
when you see something shocking?

- [Gasps in shock]
- Oh, yeah, that's it.

What are you guys doing
at our table?

What happened
to der kaffee hausen?

Our time in this room yesterday

proved more pleasant
than expected.

It's got a good energy.

That table is ours.

This room is ours!

You guys need to leave.

- Hey, Karl.
- Hi, Abed.

I am afraid
it is you who must do

the making like a tree,
which is to say, leaving.

Uh, security!

You want us to leave?

There a problem here?

Yeah, there's a problem.

These dussle-dorks
won't leave our study room.


I don't understand
any of these puns.

I think I need
to learn history.

Do you have
a sign-in sheet?

You're asking for our papers?

I thought this was America,
not Arizona.

We have a sign-in sheet.

Perhaps we should all
just go home

and see our families
and think things through, huh?

- Looks like the room is theirs.
- [Chuckles]

Shirley, call your babysitter,

because this... means...

Let me guess.


Let the lady finish
her sentence.

Thank you, Jeff!

War. Yeah.

We'd like to sign out
study room "F".

It would appear that in this battle,
our bulge was a little bit bigger.

Guten bye-bye.

Excuse me. Don't touch.

Damn them and their
perfectly crafted timepieces.

What else do you have


[Light buzzing]

It's like
a Darren Aronofsky film.

I'll get this.

My fifth father-in-law
was an electrician.

You pick up a thing or two.

All: [Screaming]

Agh! Everybody grab me,
please! Ugh!

- Nobody grab him.
- [Screaming]

Pierce, just let go.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Of the thing, Pierce.

Oh, it smells like barbecue.

We're getting up
earlier tomorrow.

[Dramatic music]

[Evil laughter]

[Air hissing]

Oh, no.

- Oh!
- Ugh!

[Somber music]

[Maniacal laughter]

Oh, look at them!


[Sad music]



Thanks again for taking me in.

We must have been great pals
before my Changnesia, huh?

Oh, my...
That's it.

You may have fooled
that handsome doctor,

but you can't fool me.

Oh, how convenient.

Showing up here with Changnesia

after you staged a coup,
almost blew up the school,

and locked me in a basement
for months!

Without so much as a drop
of moisturizer!

I did all that?

I mean, Chang did all that?

If that's true,

then Chang, who is me,

deserves to go to jail.

Well, he did.

And you do.

This is the worst thing
that's happened to me

in my 96 hours of memory.

[Door opens]

And that failed
ventriloquist's name was...

Slobodan Milosevic.

All: Ohh.

For the essay portion
of your test on Monday,

you will be asked to describe
a historical battle

from the perspectives of both
the winners and the losers.

No dioramas.

All: [Groan]

Guten luck on the examination.

Ve vill be preparing for it
in study room "F",

as in "Fictory".

I like the way your old chair
cradles mein knaidels.


I just made that up.

You know, English
is my second language.

Jeff, stop.

- It's over.
- No.

These guys are horrible.

Totally. Except Karl.

- Really, Abed?
- Mm-hmm.

Karl's not horrible?

Even though he took your home?

All right.

When I was growing up,
it was just me and my mom.

I didn't have much of a family.

That is, until I met you guys.

So excuse me
if I'm not willing to give up

the place where we became
a family.

So what are we gonna do?

We literally can't get up
any earlier.

Many years ago,

before the concept
of "too soon" existed,

there was a show
about a bunch of goofy Nazis

running a prison camp,

- and that show was called...
- Hogan's Heroes?

- Hogan's Heroes.
- Yes.

And while, for a latchkey kid
with no jewish friends,

it was a bit desensitizing,

it still taught me

that the lovable misfits
always win.

And the bumbling Germans
always lose.

All we need is a clever ruse.

Strike that.
All we need is a ruse.

You had me at "ruse."

- That was the last thing I said.
- Good thing you said it.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Lively German music]


Welcome to Oktoberfest.

- Vat is this?
- Call it a peace offering.

You won.
We lost.

Let's end this dumb war
and move on.

Care for some
authentic blutwurst?

This stuff's the real deal.

We got it
down in little Munich.

It's been banned by the FDA.

- Ooh!
- No, Karl!

That blutwurst was
probably injected

with a laxative to make us pull
a grete waitz in our trousers.

I promise you,

there's nothing gross
in this sausage.

It's just pig's blood stuffed
into a cow's intestine.

Gott, that must be
nearly 100 luftballons!


Idiot! Do not accept
their gifts.

Something is clearly up.

Please, these are just
small tokens of our friendship.

Oh, come on.

Dirndls, blutwurst,

A cartoonishly large cake.

This is a ruse.

It is exactly like an episode
of Hogan's Villains.

This is no ruse.

Just take that large cake
back to the study room

and enjoy it there.

So there's nothing hiding

inside this giant
German chocolate cake?

Ask Abed.

You can trust him.
He's a friend.

Nope. Just solid cake.


Then you wouldn't mind if I...

Cut the cake?

Or you could save it for later.

You don't have to share it.

Shirley stayed up all night
baking that for you.

No problem. I just used the eggs
I would've used for my son's breakfast.

But it would be so easy for me

to carve into this cake...

And serve us all!


Damn it. Sorry.

We thought you were
stupider than this.


Should I release the tear gas,
or has that ship sank?


An excellent attempt, Vinger,

but we are smarter than you,
and once again,

it shall be us who are savoring

the smooth and somewhat
ha-ha-hoppy taste of victory.

Beer me, bitte.

Here you go.

As they say in Ferris Bueller,

danke schoen.

And as they say in the movie,


- Busted.
- Busted?

For what?

But there were dozens of students
at that Oktoberfest.

But you were the only
German students

celebrating German culture,

and here at Greendale,
that is a big, fat no-no.

We frown on anyone celebrating
their own cultural heritage.

I mean, if the hasidic
student union wants

to host a Kwanzaa celebration,
you go, Jews!

Hanukkah? No, sir.

It's why I keep a detailed list

of every student's race
and nationality...

to prevent racism
and nationalism.

- This is an outrage!
- Relax.

It's not like you're expelled.

You're just banned from certain
campus amenities,

uh, water fountains,
swimming pools... huh.

Most of these
are water-based.

Oh, and the study rooms.

- Oh!
- Uh!

[Phone rings]

Oh, I gotta take this.

Dean Pelton...
if I don't offer you a receipt,

your education is free.

Chang did what?

[Triumphant music playing]

[Indistinct shouting]

Oh, cool.

- What are we protesting?
- You guys.

You've been hogging that
study room for three years.

Somebody finally stood up
to you,

and you had them banned.

Why must our people
always be the victims?

- What do we want?
- Justice!

- When do we want it?
- Now!

- What do we want?
- Justice!

- Oh, my God.
- When do we want it?

- Now!
- This whole time,

we thought the Germans
were the Germans.

But it turns out,
we're the Germans.

Hang on. You guys are all siding
with the Germans?

You realize these guys
are, like,

contractor-grade tools.

They signed out that room
fair and square,

and then you had to take it
too far,

like you always do
with that room.


[Suspenseful music]


Damn it!

I signed this room out!

And I have a final tomorrow!

They lost a pen.

Can you come back
in a few hours?

We're playing
Dungeons & Dragons.

- Yes?
- I left my notebook in there.

Well, you're going to have
to come back later.

I'm trying to prove a point.

You're like those guys
on Hogan's Heroes.

The Nazis.


You take that back!

I'm jewish.

Yeah, Leonard.
Don't call me a Nazi.

You are wearing
an S.S. t-shirt.

- Oh.
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh.

[Keys jingle]

Open two.

[Door lock buzzes]

What are you doing here?

You, sir, have been bailed out.

We are going to nurse you
back to health.

But why?

Why take me back in
after everything I did to you?

When I heard that you
had checked yourself into jail,

I realized
you couldn't be faking.

The real Chang
would never have remorse

for what he did.

I believe you...


Plus, curing Changnesia,
that's a human interest story.

That puts Greendale on the map.

But your health comes second,
whoop, first, to the school.

Oh, let's not hug.
Do you mind getting my...


Probably shouldn't step on it.

I feel guilty eating this cake.

And not for the usual reasons.

Hate to say it,
but this is what happens

when a group of people
blindly follows

a charismatic,
golden-throated leader.

Are you actually comparing me
to Hitler?

[Overlapping agreements]
There are similarities.

Hang on.
Nobody's even willing

to consider that I might be
the Hitler of this group?

We were the good guys.

How could everybody think
we're the bad guys?

We are.

When Karl and I were raiding
the Diamond North Caves,

I was facing 50 Death Beatles.

I would've perished for sure,
but he saved me.

Then when I had a chance
to return the favor,

I looked him in the eye, and I
told him it was solid cake.

You were just following orders.

There's probably a way I can
make it up to him.


Maybe I'll give him
my four-pronged trident.

Why don't you call it
a "quadrident"?

- Shh.
- Ah!

There you people are.

I believe we have something
to discuss.

Oh, my God.

You clever British bastard.

You set this whole thing up
to teach us a lesson.

- What?
- Making the school pretend

to hate us,
to show us that one man's hero

is another man's villain.

Of course!
We aren't Nazis.


I tip my cap to you, sir.

Lesson learned.

Are you actually suggesting
that a Professor at Greendale

would set up an elaborate ruse

just to teach
seven students a lesson?

- Uh, yes.
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- That's a Wednesday.

Oh, my God.

I've made a terrible mistake
coming here.

So this wasn't part
of the class?

Then why are you here?

Because you had a test today,
and you all missed it!

"F" s for everyone.


Maybe it's not too late
to get out of my contract.

- I really am Hitler.
- Yeah.

So it's just decided.

No vote or anything.

I hate this.

I wish there was a way
that we could

make it up to people.

That's it.

We need to make reparations.

We have to start giving back

because Greendale
has given us so much.

It gave us the study room.

And that study room
is our home.

But our home is more
than those four walls.

And our family is more
than the seven of us.

It's all of Greendale.

And everyone deserves to have
what we have.

[Peaceful music]

What do you know?

Greendale just got
slightly better.

It's good to be back.

Should we go celebrate
at Skeeper's?

Oh, come on, Shirley.
We all have lives.

There you are!

I am so proud how you
stepped up and made amends.

And everyone forgave you.

Because when it comes
right down to it,

Greendale's a forgiving place.

It really is.

Please keep that in mind
the next 20 seconds.

Remember that people
can "Chang".

People can what?


Hi, I'm Kevin.

All: [Screaming]

He has Changnesia.

And you know what
that sound is.

It's the Troy and Abed Podcast.

Sponsored by Shirley's Sandwiches,
home of the fried chicken skin wrap.

Is it inside? Is it outside?
You find out.

Okay, our guest today
is from Germany, Europe.

Karl, guten tag.
How are you doing?

- Sehr gut.
- Great.

Now's the part of the show
where we get real.

Friendship, loyalty,
betrayal, redemption.

- Is this an apology?
- Yes.

And for being a guest on the show today,
we want you to have this.

It's a gift certificate
to Shirley's Sandwiches,

home of the triple-fried
monte cristo.

We challenge you
to taste the bread.

This coupon is a $5 bill.

Well, that's all the time
we have today.

For Troy Barnes,
I'm Abed Nadir.

And for Abed Nadir,
I'm Troy Barnes.

Both: And we're out.

Thanks so much for doing this.

So will you be
on my podcast tomorrow?

We've got a thing.

Beep, boop, bow!
[Smooth jazz playing]