Community (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 13 - Advanced Introduction to Finality - full transcript

Hey. Get out of my chair,
or I'll have you disbarred.

Oh, wait.
That already happened.

- Cash.
- Tango.

My old partner in my new firm.

Does it get any better?

- Not unless you leave.
- Still got it.

So a little birdie told me you're
graduating kiddie college.

You must be excited
to get that lollipop.

Hey.

- It's a sticker.
- Ha.

I know you're busy, not,
so allow me to whip it out.



Come work with me.

You'll be a full partner, six figures,
corner office, three secretaries.

What's that? Not enough money?
I'll double it. Bam, done.

That's how we negotiate.
Lunch?

Wow.
I drive a hard bargain.

But, Mark, aren't you worried
I'm a little out of practice?

The only cases I've tried lately
are about sandwiches and yams.

Please, you were
a better lawyer

when you weren't a lawyer
than most lawyers I know.

It's still in you.

I'll give it some thought.

Just shake my hand, idiot.
It's simple.

I like simple.

Take a look around, Winger.



This is your new old life.

I don't get it. We just had
Christmas, and now it's warm outside.

Of course it is, dummy. We just
finished fall-spring semester.

- Bring on summer-winter.
- I can't wait.

My final film school class
is just called opinions.

Professor Taylor is scheduled to
teach, but I have a rebuttal.

Lucky. I transferred to forensics
late and got the worst classes.

Skull fragment collection,
advanced advanced decomp,

and intro to senselessness
were all full.

I still have a year
of A/C repair left.

I passed all my classes,
so now I just do yoga

while the teachers
write down my wisdoms.

Wait a minute.
Jeff passed history.

He's graduating early.

I'm totally unprepared
to deal with this.

No, Annie,
please, don't--

Well, it's official.
It's on a banner.

Congratulations, Jeffrey.

You worked hard not to work
hard to earn that degree.

Yeah, you took so many blow-off
classes and pointless electives.

- What did you end up majoring in?
- Education.

You had to win, didn't you?

When I was inches
from the finish line.

Pierce, you have so many credits,
they have grand-credits.

Just graduate already.

- When's the graduation ceremony?
- Never. It's community college.

You just send in some papers
and they stop charging you.

It's moving, in its own way.

So this is it? A banner and
some soda Troy forgot to bring?

- No. - As far as graduations go,
it's boring but grounded.

I was hoping for more.

Can we at least walk with you
to the Dean's office?

What, now?
No.

I was just--I was going to mail it in
next week, or, you know, whenever.

Don't be silly.

We started as a study group,
we'll finish as a study group.

All for one, and one dude
we can all leave behind.

Everybody, go quickly.

Go.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Hey.

♪ Give me some rope

♪ tie me to dream

♪ give me the hope

♪ to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up

♪ tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

4x13
Advanced Introduction to Finality

All right, Mr. Winger.
Et al. Britta.

Emotions are running high,
so I will keep this

tight and short.

- You always do. - I see you have
all the necessary paperwork.

Necessary?
You asked for proof of inseam.

Ah, Jeffrey.

I'm going to miss our playful,
"Get a room already" banter.

- Oh, Dean.
- I can come back.

No, I can do this.

Just need to sign
the old John Dean-cock

and you will be graduated.

So this is it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Huh.

I, uh--

I expected
a little more pageantry.

- I'm listening.
- Annie's right.

We should throw a party
to mark the occasion.

- A small one.
- The teensiest.

Just close friends,
a small cake--

- Maybe some flowers, an archway--
- A string quartet.

Ooh, he could wear a suit.

- Starting to sound like a wedding.
- Not a wedding.

Just your average,
low-key diploma signing,

to which you're all cordially
invited, tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow?

Is that enough time
to plan a whole wedding?

- Absolutely.
- I'll get my book.

Listen, I can't do a big party.

It's too much.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

This is about you getting
cold feet about graduating.

Pshaw.

I've been looking forward to graduation
since freshman registration.

I already got a job lined up
at my old partner's firm.

Well, then, let them eat cake.

It's just,

I'm worried that the
group might not be able

to handle it,
you know, emotionally.

Everyone wants you
to graduate, Jeff.

Well, what about Abed?

I mean, the stress of me leaving
might send him spiraling.

Come on,
give him some more credit.

He's really progressed since
he opened up to my therapizing.

Do you remember last year,
when he wouldn't stop

talking about that
"darkest timeline" thing?

- The one where I lost my arm?
- And Pierce died, and Annie went insane,

and he blamed it all
on you throwing some dice.

He has not brought that up
in months.

You're right, Britta.

I just need
to give Abed a chance.

Then it's settled.

The six of us will
take astronomy next semester.

- So now you're leaving me out.
- No, we're leaving Jeff out.

So I'm not even the one
who gets left out anymore.

- Everything's Jeff, Jeff--
- Jeff.

This seat taken?

So everyone still excited
about the big shindig?

Totally. I was worried about the
wedding-graduation mash up,

but it's testing really well with women.

Oh, well, that's a load off.

Hey, we should probably figure out
who's bringing the soda now, right?

- Just so there's not another hang up.
- I brought it.

I-I just drank it all.

It's okay.
I've got it covered.

No, no, no.
You've already done so much.

Besides, I think I have
a fun and fair way

to decide which of the six of us
will bring the soda.

We'll roll for it.

It didn't land on a number.

That probably means nothing.

- Or it means everything.
- Let's hope not.

You know what,
I'll bring the soda.

Don't worry, I'll make sure
there aren't any more hang-ups.

Must I bear this cross forever?

I was hoping for more.

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean,
Dean, Dean ♪

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean,
Dean, Dean ♪

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean,
Dean, Dean, Dean ♪

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean,
Dean, Dean ♪

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean

♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean,
Dean, Dean, Dean-- ♪

Catherine?

Do not even tell me
you dropped that cake.

Parasites.

Hey.
What's going on?

Why are you trying
to avoid graduating?

I wish I knew.

I think it's because
you're scared

to take this law job
with your old partner.

But don't let that stop you
from graduating.

Take the job,
don't take the job.

Either way, your friends are always
going to be here to support you.

Good to know.

See you at graduation.

- And they call us the worst.
- Took you long enough.

Hey, nobody said you had
to travel naked.

Oh.
You brought the good one.

You hold that,
I'll do the sleeve.

Wait for the click.
There--

Ah.
Good.

Middle finger works great now.

It's worse than I thought.

They made lame Jeff
too lame to leave Greendale.

He's got to take that job.

But how do we make him do that?

By turning the study group
against him

so he'll run screaming
from this rancid cocoon

into the welcoming arms
of darkness.

- How hard is that to understand?
- It's not.

I just like when you
talk down to me like a child.

Oh!
Jeff.

It's bad luck to see the
graduation before the graduation.

I had to talk to you.

Today is bringing up
so many emotions.

It's a lot to take in.

I'm not making you feel nervous
about graduating, am I?

Well,

you are making me
feel something.

And it's not about graduating.

I'm saying I'm hot for you.

Me?

Is this for real?

Is my beating heart for real?

Oh, Annie.

I don't know if it's
the beautiful decorations,

or the impending
floral archway,

but there's something about this
that feels so right.

It's the perfect moment
to remember you by.

Remember me by?

- I'm not going anywhere.
- Exactly.

You're going nowhere.

I'm about to return
to my cool, adult, lawyer life,

and you're going to be
stuck here, playing high school.

- Why are you saying this?
- So you face the facts.

Once I graduate,

I'm gone.

Winger, streaking
on your last day of school?

Respect.

Oh, so I got the save the date
for your graduation.

Should I bring a date,
or try to hook up there?

I'm not going to your
stupid graduation, jerk.

I can't believe you said
those things to me.

- What things?
- Don't play dumb.

You want to leave? Leave.
See if I care.

- What did you do?
- I have no earthly idea.

Look up there.

- Hello, Abed.
- Hello, Evil Jeff.

What?
How did you--

I may not be good
with facial expressions,

but I know an evil doppelganger
when I see one.

Plus your arm makes a noise
every time you move it.

Silence.

- Are you here to kill Jeff?
- Oh, you non-evils are so naive.

I'm here to save Jeff from the
smothering teat of his study group.

- Is that a paintball gun?
- You wish.

Cool.

Wait.
Cold.

How did I get
to the Dean's office?

Hi.

Out of my chair, monkey.

The darkest timeline.

Annie.

Um, okay,
let's start with "Huh?"

Jeff, I'm sorry.
I made it all up.

I've been so upset
about you graduating

that I've gone
a little crazy, emotionally.

Oh, good.
I thought I was losing my mind.

Make it up to you with a hug?

This breakfast sandwich cart
is such a great idea.

It's never too early
for Shirley--

to make a boatload off
of hung over college kids.

Speaking of great idea
having, hear me out.

It's called
"The Troy-jan Horse."

It goes bread, lettuce, ham,
ham, bacon, chocolate--

Oh, how you doing,
the graduate?

Just stopping by to hand out
some un-vites to my graduation.

Here's one
for the desperate housewife

who spends more time with her pathetic
business than with her family.

And you.

If you call a sandwich
a "Troy-jan Horse,"

people are going
to think there's horse in it.

Oh, my dreams.

Whatever, losers.

See you never.

Where's Abed?

Is anyone here?

Hello, Abed.
Welcome to our home.

- Hello, Evil Abed.
- It's just Abed now.

After we met,
I abandoned my evil goal

to focus on brightening
my own timeline instead.

- Do you live here alone?
- Yes.

Evil Troy moved out
when I gave up the cause.

Now he only listens to Evil Jeff, who sort
of took over this year, villain-wise.

Jeff left Greendale and became a scummy
lawyer again, but the more evil he got,

the more he became tortured by the idea
that there's still a good Jeff out there,

being good somewhere.

That's why he forced me to show him
how to travel between timelines.

My God.

- This is so cool.
- I know.

You have no idea how long I've been
waiting to talk to you about it.

Kind of a Superman III meets that Star Trek
episode meets season three of The Cape.

- The Cape was cancelled.
- Not here.

They retooled it for cable,
and it's awesome.

Want to see it?

Desperately. But I need to
get back to my timeline

and stop Evil Jeff.

So I came to the only person
who could help me--me.

I'll get you home, Abed.

But first,

you'll need some supplies.

Everyone must be running late.

Here, Jeffrey.
You're graduated.

Take your precious diploma
and just go.

I cannot believe

the hurtful things you
said to me in my office.

I'll have you know that wanting
a little pageantry in your life

isn't a crime
or a lifestyle choice.

Okay, Annie, something
definitely weird is happening.

No one's here,
the Dean is mad at me,

and he is never
mad at me, and--

a third reason.

Congratulations, Jeff.

Don't worry about the study group.
You can talk to them later.

Why don't you and I go celebrate
someplace private and boozy?

Annie, why are you acting like a
mistress in a lifetime movie?

You're funny.

Oh, sweetheart,
you dropped your phone earlier.

You've got a voicemail
from a guy named Mark?

- You should call him.
- Not now.

I have to find the others
and figure this out.

Crap.
We're losing him.

- What?
- What?

Who are you?

You're me?

- But how?
- But how?

Enough of the pleasantries

I've come from the darkest timeline
to make sure you take that job.

It's essential to our future.

- You want it, idiot, so take it.
- I can't.

I've spent almost four years here, growing
and changing and making dioramas.

- I'm not that guy anymore.
- You're wrong.

Greendale may have dulled
your killer instinct,

but trust me,
it's still in you.

It's time to leave this place
and reclaim your proper life.

No.

Not without my study group.

Ugh.
Now who's in a lifetime movie?

Then I'll be rid of you
another way.

Friendship!

Mm.
Cold.

Well, the subtle approach
failed.

What's next?

Explain it slowly.

Need some help?

Let's burn this mother down.

Jeff must be graduating about now.
I wonder if anyone's there.

Doubt he cares.

Pierce won't even
respond to my texts.

I wonder what terrible things
Jeff said about him.

I've got some guesses.

Let me finish.

Look, I know this may sound crazy,
and more than a little convenient,

but whatever I said to you,
it wasn't me.

It was Evil Jeff.

Come on.

Something happened when I rolled that die.
Something terrible.

Something only nerds
can understand.

Mm-hmm.

You have to believe me.

They're coming for us.

No.

- We're coming for them.
- Abed, where have you been?

The darkest timeline.

You guys never believe me, so this time,
I brought proof, the doppeldeaner.

Abed brought me here
to prove to all of you--

Whoa.

Actually, I figured that these paintball
warping guns would convince you.

Listen up, people. We've got an
inter-dimensional battle on our hands.

Our evil counterparts are waging
a war, and it's either us or us.

All right.

Let's light up
these dark suckers.

Okay, everyone.
Stay sharp.

If you see yourself,
warp on sight.

I'd like to warp myself
to a dairy-free mudslide.

That's just vodka, Shirley.

- I know what it is.
- Ah-ha.

Pierce?

- We thought you were dead.
- Hell, no.

After I got shot,
I faked my death

- to teach you all a lesson.
- Lesson about what?

Who can remember?
It was more than a year ago.

And yet,

here you all are, planning
an invasion without me.

Again,
we thought you were dead.

Listen, I-I can help you guys
beat the lame study group.

Just tell me how this works.

Fine.

It's complicated,
but basically,

the first person
to shoot themselves wins.

Winner.

Well, that bow tied itself.

Dang, I got hair dye
on my coat.

Dang, it's spreading.

Damn it, Britta. Did you
shoot yourself too?

- Every time.
- Hey.

Don't talk to her like that.

- Every time.
- We're here. Scatter.

Get help.

Can't hide forever, lame Annie.

Just let me shoot you.

You'll love
the darkest timeline.

We're sleeping with Jeff there.

What?
We are?

All the time.

And he loves it.

Nobody sleeps with Jeff.

Not even me.

I've been counting bullets.

One of us is out.

- Is it you?
- Yes.

Why would you tell me that?

To sound intimidating.

Oh.

Almost

worked.

Ballin'.

Okay.
Only Evil Jeff is left.

- You've got to take him out. What?
- Why don't I just give him what he wants?

- You can't give up now.
- Why not?

Because it's not real.

Look around, Jeff.

Haven't you noticed the vending machines
are full of meats and hard-boiled eggs?

Or that all the background
students are attractive women?

Hi.

Yeah.

This is a world you've created
in your own mind.

The real battle is within.

You're afraid to graduate
because you think

Greendale has
changed you too much.

So part of you wants Evil Jeff to win,
because then you could go backwards

and pretend you're the same guy
you were four years ago.

But you're not. You're stronger.
You're better.

You have friends. No, screw that.
You have a family.

Wait.

If this is all in my mind, then I
don't really need to fight him.

Don't logic this one
away from me.

We finally figured out a way
to make paintball cool again.

Hey, handsome.

On second thought,

who needs to roll a die?

And who cares if we have soda?

As long as you guys
are with me,

I have everything I need
to graduate.

Yeah.

Forget soda.

Friends, Greendalians,
human beings,

we are gathered here today
to honor

that sacred and eternal bond
between a student and his Dean.

Neither time nor distance
nor screening one's calls

could ever sever what
nature herself has ordained.

- When two men are drawn--
- I'll take it from here, Craig.

Fair enough.
I was reaching.

Three and a half years ago,
when I came to Greendale,

- I met six very important people.
- Ooh.

Burn on Britta. Sorry, seven.

And meeting these people
changed my life.

Yep.

I'm sorry.
I-I don't know what to say.

- Yeah, okay.
- Whatever.

I'm so used to being the guy

who can talk his way
out of anything,

but what do you say
when you don't want a way out?

What you all have done for me is

indescribable.

It's unbelievable.

And my love for you is

immeasurable,

even when you split it
seven ways.

Well said, Jeffrey.

If anyone here
should have just cause

why Jeffrey Tobias Winger
should not be graduated,

speak now
or forever--

Pierce.

You don't have to do this.
I'm ready to graduate.

Yeah?

Well, I'm ready
to graduate first.

Seems oddly appropriate.

Congratulations, Pierce.

Perfect.

So what's next
for Jeffrey Winger?

I'm thinking I might look
into some small local firms.

I'm going to use my big mouth
to help the little guy.

Aww.

Plus, if I stay in town, I
can pop by any time I want.

You know, just to settle
any group arguments

about who misses me the most.

Oh--

What do you think?

- To Jeff.
- To Jeffrey.

♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪

Welcome back. We've got a jam-packed
show, so let's get started.

Today, as always, we'll
be visited once again

by Greendale's king and supreme
lord master, Dean Chang.

Looks like he'll be
talking about squash this time.

Oh, I'm super excited for that.

And not only
because it's mandatory.

But first, we'll take a spin
around the timeline map

and find out what's happening in
the universes that parallel ours.

Thanks, us. I'm standing
here in timeline five,

where things
are pretty much normal.

Normal?

Troy, people are on fire
in Nairobi.

You call that normal?

I've become much more
conscious of world issues

since Troy and I decided to give
our baby an African name.

Isn't that right, Chewbacca?

It means,
"He who hunts bounties."

Back to you.

Wow, it sounds like things are
really heating up in Nairobi.

That's nothing compared to the
fire in our studio audience.

Hey, idiots.

How many times have I told you,
the show doesn't really exist.

No one's watching.

Duh-doy.
We know.

Yeah, we're just
messing around.

- See you at lunch, Evil Jeff.
- See you at lunch.

♪ Troy and Abed
in the morning ♪

Resync for WEB-DL by Norther